Pinky Penmark Blogs

Why I No Longer Believe this Organization & Company to be LGBTQ+ Allies

noreply@blogger.com (C Robert Shaffer) — Sun, 21 Jun 2020 20:18:00 +0000

OPINION

#OrangeistheNewPink

Why I no longer believe this organization & company to be LGBTQ+ allies.

Excerpt from a document I was presented with for my signature. (Warning: Homophobia lives in this document)

“Staff noted in the message that even though staff’s religious beliefs are against resident’s sexual orientation that has never led to staff treating or saying anything to purposefully make resident feel that their lifestyle was wrong and staff advocates for what is right not what their religious orientation subscribes to. Again resident took staff’s words to mean that staff was discriminating against him on moral grounds and that staff felt morally superior to him.”

The Facts & Analysis Behind Pinky Penmark’s withdrawal of Support for FirmlyEstablished, Inc. & Holistic Coaching

"I am confident that if local leaders and business are made aware of my experience that they will reconsider partnering with FirmlyEstablished, Inc. or Holistic Coaching if presented the opportunity to partner with them in the future."

The Timeline

On May 28, 2019, I moved into a property managed by HolisticCoaching and under its corresponding program and handbook rules as I began rebuilding my life after a long illness. I shared the house with two other men and at times three other men.

Three months later I transitioned into more independent living when I moved by myself into the converted garage apartment behind the main house on the same property.

In the beginning the leadership of Holistic Coaching, a for-profit company in St. Pete, seemed personable, and I felt like these properties and its program were going to be a good fit for me.

Soon after I began living there, I learned that the same leadership also ran a nonprofit organization named Firmly Established, Inc, and its mission was to serve at-risk children and families in Pinellas County. I was quickly interested in seeing if I could find a way to help this organization fulfill its mission.

Those of you that are familiar with me know for the past decade I have volunteered extensively for local non-profits including ASAP, now Empath Partners in Care (EPIC) and Tampa Bay AIDS Walk in addition to serving as Operations Manager for St Pete Pride for a couple years.

In a wild twist of events after I created the Pinky Penmarkcharacter, a character intended to be a one-night appearance at the MetroInclusive Health Gala, I was asked to bring Pinky back as the Host of Bingo4Charity at Punky’s Bar and Grill. The idea scared the hell out of me before I embraced it as an opportunity to continue my work raising funds and awareness for local non-profits.

Thus, the Pinky Penmark character returned, and I continued to host Bingo4Charity at Punky’s for approximately a year and a half until my illness rendered me unable to continue. During that time Pinky had organically evolved into a pinkypenmark.com, this blog , and many social media followers.

When I had learned that the leadership of Holistic Coachingalso ran the non-profit Firmly Established, Inc. I immediately told them about my Bingo4Charity days and suggested that I schedule a Bingo Event at Punky’s to benefit the organization. I decided I would make a return appearance of Pinky along with its current host in order to raise funds for the organization.

Everyone at Firmly Established seemed on board and excited for the event which was held in August of 2019. The event was successful, and we scheduled another bingo at Punky’s at which Pinky made another return appearance in December of 2019.

During the months in between, I also began volunteering a couple days a week at the Firmly Established, Inc. offices and even went out on a limb to set up events for them in partnership with a local HIV/AIDS Service Organization. I suggested the organization reserve a booth at Come Out St Pete at which I would also work in October 2019.

I eventually stopped my volunteer work with them because I felt their volunteer expectations were no longer comfortable to me which inspired a previous blogpost “Re-affirming My Boundaries & Reclaiming Myself”. The parting was amicable enough, and we even scheduled another bingo event at Punky’sin April 2020 in which Pinky would again make a special appearance. The COVID-19 crisis forced the cancellation of that event.

The Document

Even before COVID-19 intervened, I had made the decision to cancel Pinky’s appearance at the April event based on the feeling I was forced to sign the document referenced above in order to keep a roof over my head. Below is an actual image of the text of that portion of the document I felt coerced into signing. The full document including signatures is available by request.

Actual image of the document presented to me by Firmly Establisded, Inc. staff for my signature

Pinky Penmark Withdraws Support of Two Local Organizations

noreply@blogger.com (Pinky Penmark) — Mon, 15 Jun 2020 22:55:00 +0000

Writer's Note: June 15, 2020.

Please note Pinky Penmark no longer endorses Firmly Established, Inc. or Holistic Coaching as an LGBTQ allied organization or company. I have left the events and works I did for both these entities on my websites and Facebook accounts, however, because I want to be transparent about my misguided affiliations with them in the past. Feel free to email me if you would like to inquire about strong reservations about continuing to endorse, recommend or support Firmly Established, Inc. and/or Holistic Coaching.

Former Host Plans Cameo Appearance at Punky's Bar and Grill

Bingo4Charity benefiting Firmly Established, Inc. hosted by Victoria Michaels is Tuesday, August 6 at 7 PM

Victoria Michaels

Yes, it's me, Pinky Penmark, talking about my planned cameo in the 3rd person.....

because the event, hosted by Victoria Michaels, is all about a local non-profit, Firmly Established, Inc., that has grown very important to me.

As always, Bingo4Charity will be held at the local restaurant and pub, Punky's Bar and Grill, that has become a local favorite and hero for leading the way in its continued support of numerous local non-profits, events, causes and the LGBTQ+ community at large.

I urge you all to clear your calendars on Tuesday, August 6 from 7 PM to 9PM and plan to attend this event along with me that will support a much deserving non-profit while having some good clean (and sometimes dirty) fun playing Bingo! alongside the fabulous Victoria Michaels who does Central like no other gal we know.

I (Pinky) will be donning a dress (and maybe a nightgown too) for the first time in 18 months to celebrate this event, this cause and your years of support. Blink and you could miss this event and your chance to see this old, bald man in a dress for another 18 months.

Firmly Established, Inc and Holistic Coaching, from which Firmly Established was born, share a mission and a vision that benefits the entire Tampabay LGBTQ+ community, our allies, our friends and our businesses.

Holistic Coaching is bravely attempting to help the chronically homeless and/or addicted regain their dignity and their lives before helping them return to independent living.

And, Firmly Established, Inc, a 501(c)(3) organization, is helping local at-risk youth realize their potential through leadership, guidance, referrals, workshops, and seminars.

Working hand in hand, Firmly Established, Inc. and Holistic Coaching are improving the lives of many of our local citizens.

Your attendance and support at this event are crucial to the success and mission of Firmly Established, I would very much appreciate your attendance at this event when Pinky comes out of the closet (again).

And, don't forget to call 727.201.4712 to reserve your table ASAP or you might be playing Bingo4Charity while standing (and that wouldn't be cute).

Pinky hopes to see you there!

Thank you for your continued support of Pinky, myself and our ever-evolving adventures.

Please RSVP to the event here: Bingo4Charity benefiting Firmly Established, Inc.

For more information on Firmly Established and Holistic Coaching visit https://holisticlifecoach2.wixsite.com/firmlyestinc/about-us and https://www.holisticcoaching.info/.

XOXO,
Pinky Penmark

Re-affirming My Boundaries & Re-claiming Myself

noreply@blogger.com (C Robert Shaffer) — Sat, 26 Oct 2019 00:13:00 +0000

Writer’s Note:

The contract with myself below is not a result of any specific occurrence or situation in my life. For two years my health and my mental health have chipped away at my ability to be an effective advocate for myself and others. I enter this contract with myself without holding any resentments. My life is a journey and adventure not without purpose that ebbs and flows. My adventures would be wasted if I didn’t allow myself moments of reflection that remind me who I am, why I am here, how I can become the best version of myself, and how I can best help others.

My life as of late has been filled with the tension of a chess game, and it’s my fault. To paraphrase Eleanor Roosevelt, no one can make me feel inferior without me first giving them permission to do so.

No one can make me feel like they have too much control of my time, of my opinions and of my options without me first giving them too much access to my life. When the chaotic world of the "me revolution" reveals its need for dominance, I must occasionally slap myself in the face, look in the mirror and reclaim the person I want to be.

How the Tragedies of September 11, 2001, Ironically Saved My Life

noreply@blogger.com (C Robert Shaffer) — Sun, 06 Oct 2019 14:47:00 +0000

The New Season of
Pinky Penmark Blogs
is Here.

Overcoming fear, tragedy, and depression and getting your life back.

Other than being in Tallahassee Regional Medical Center for the 27th time suffering from pancreatitis with a Demerol PCA pump allowing me to stay in a pain-free haze while coming in and out of consciousness, September 11, 2001, began as a typical day.

What of which I had no idea was that this day would forever change my country, the world, and my life.

noreply@blogger.com (C Robert Shaffer) — Fri, 11 Jan 2019 15:53:00 +0000

Pinky Penmark Recommends

Happy Holidays from Pinky Pennmark Speaks & Blogs!

noreply@blogger.com (C Robert Shaffer) — Mon, 24 Dec 2018 01:46:00 +0000

However you may choose to celebrate, we wish you the Happiest of Holiday Seasons!

Cheers!

Pinky (& Robert)

Fully Grateful

noreply@blogger.com (C Robert Shaffer) — Sat, 24 Nov 2018 15:45:00 +0000

"This Thanksgiving, from this day forward, my goal is to remain

'Fully Grateful'."

The American spiritual teacher, former academic and clinical psychologist, Ram Dass, once wrote, "Our journey is about being more deeply involved in life, and yet, less attached to it." I have been thinking about this simple sentence for the past few weeks in connection with my belief that being present is the only moment that matters, so this Thanksgiving while my stomach was telling me that I was way too full, I decided to make a Thanksgiving resolution to remain fully grateful every day going forward.

Remaining Rational Amid Irrational Occurences Became Impossible...And, then I Discovered I had a Stalker

noreply@blogger.com (C Robert Shaffer) — Sat, 17 Nov 2018 14:53:00 +0000

It was late August 2018 in the middle of the night when I heard the first voice speak to me from behind the privacy fence on my back patio. It was the time of year in St Pete when all of its residents are collectively asking if the long, sweltering summer will ever end.

It’s also about this time every year that I slip into a minor depression when I ask myself the same question and realize the answer is that the blistering heat will not subside in the least until the first cool front arrives about the third week in October as my childhood friends up north are gathering for the “Greatest Free Show on Earth”. I’m referring, of course, to the Circleville Pumpkin Show held annually the third week of October in my hometown of Circleville, Ohio. Early each autumn while I am desperately bargaining for relief from the Florida heat, and this autumn in particular, while I was bargaining for the return of my sanity, my Ohio friends are wishing for warm weather, but instead usually settle for bundling up to attend the Pumpkin Show revelry.

Although I know the trade-off for a sweltering summer over a snowy winter was the right decision for me when I moved to Florida 22 years ago, this homosexual man sure does miss the change of seasons and the opportunity to layer a smart looking fall outfit with vibrant oranges, browns, and deep purples. Reminiscing about my yearning for a change of seasons and architecture, however, will have to wait for a future post unable to successfully jump off the crazy train upon which I currently find myself trapped.

The voice I heard that night was so real that my brain didn’t immediately recognize the oddity of a voice seemingly coming at me from between a large, beautiful bougainvillea that my mother had given me a few years ago and the privacy fence upon which it was growing.

I automatically responded to the voice before it dawned on me that it may not be normal that a bougainvillea climbing a privacy fence was speaking to me at 4 o’clock in the morning.

The voice said to me, “You are going down, Robert.” My immediate and out loud response to the voice was "yeah, right”.

The voice, however, turned out to be right for this night was the beginning of my slide into irrationality as a result of the things that were beginning to happen around me.

All of us regularly experience moments when we misplace an item in our homes only to later find it in a place we are quite sure we never left it. Or, shadows dance around us as we linger in the twilight we encounter just before sleep. We normally shake these instances off as moments of forgetfulness or our semi-conscious imaginations gone wild but imagine that these instances rapidly increased in their frequency until they were happening daily and then continued to multiply until they were routine. Would you also begin to question your own sanity as I have recently?

A few days went by and I had nearly forgotten about the voice when one morning I twisted open the blinds in my Florida room and written in the condensation forming on the sliding doors were two messages. One door displayed the message “you won’t last long” and through the dripping condensation on the other door I could easily read the phrase “rest in peace”. What made this so scary was the messages were written from the inside, not the outside. I looked down immediately and saw that the wood board I use to fortify the lock on the sliding door was still properly in place.

From this point on morning words of wisdom written in the condensation on the windows throughout my house became commonplace. On only the first three occcurences, however, had the words been written from the inside of the windows as if the author had suddenly escaped and was now on the outside looking in at me.

By the middle of September, the words, phrases, and numbers that regularly danced across my windows migrated to my bedroom walls. In the twilight, we encounter just before sleep as I mentioned before I watched as the words “Go Fucking Figure” appeared on my bedroom wall to the left of my bed. Even more startling than the words appearing on my walls was the phrase “Go Fucking Figure” itself.

This particular phrase is known well by me because I have a bad habit of using it too often. This is the first time I seriously began to question my mental health. It seemed clear to me with the appearance of this phrase on my bedroom wall that I must have indeed been the one who wrote it due to my familiarity with the phrase. My consciousness has zero recollection, however, of making this inscription.

The next four weeks were filled with new inscriptions on my walls every night. Always at night, always in my bedroom, and always just as I would settle into bed for sleep. The safe haven of my bed and the prospect of a rejuvenating night of sleep had been completely taken from me. Fear and an unhealthy dose of paranoia were beginning to take over.

My days began being occupied entirely by the energy it takes to hide from the world the fact that you think you have gone crazy.

Next week on “Pinky Penmark Blogs “ as more odd occurrences add themselves to my crazy train, I discovered I had a real-life stalker. Could my crazy train be explained by the actions of another human, and even if they could, would that make my recovery or my leap off of the crazy train any easier?

Coming Tomorrow on Pinky Penmark Blogs is the 2nd installment in the New Blog Series "Welcome to My Fear."

noreply@blogger.com (C Robert Shaffer) — Tue, 13 Nov 2018 20:34:00 +0000

Paralyzed By Fear for Months, I Begin to Claw My Way Back to a Rational Life

noreply@blogger.com (C Robert Shaffer) — Sun, 11 Nov 2018 07:05:00 +0000

-A Limited Series with New Entries Published Each Sunday and Wednesday until No Longer Necessary

Prepare for my most personal and vulnerable entries to date.

Stepping away from the embarrassment and humiliation of recent events, I will attempt to step out of the shadows that have been engulfing me in fear and identify a path back into my life in this new series on Pinky Penmark Blogs.

Welcome to My Fear

Until today when this entry is published, no one knows the full extent of what has been happening to me in recent months. I've kept the secrets in order to avoid confirmation of what I had already convinced myself--that I have experienced some kind of mental lapse, a nervous breakdown, or late-stage schizophrenia.

Whatever a doctor might call it, I have been convinced that a padded room was in my near future. I am entirely convinced that some period and type of institutionalization may still be looming on my horizon.

I hear voices at times, see shadows and/or spirits spiraling around me when I lay my head down to sleep at night, words and phrases and series' of numbers regularly appear on my walls when the lights are turned out. Pictures on the walls have rearranged themselves and even ended up hanging in different rooms on their own. And this was just the beginning.

This is not a Halloween story. It is merely a coincidence that on October 31, 2018, I packed everything I owned, placed it into a storage unit and fled my home of 11 years in fear.

What was happening to me was real. Yes, I have been operating for two years at a very high level of stress due to cancer and chemotherapy and everything that entails. My family doctor advised me recently that high-stress levels can cause the mind to "fill in the blanks in an attempt to make sense of traumatic events and even induce paranoia at times."

"I have no doubt that my state of high alert has given more weight to some simple coincidences, but the vast majority of the happenings I will detail were as real as the ground beneath my trembling feet."

Making end of life choices is no joy and neither is being offered sudden life when you feel like you have nothing for which to live. All I had been planning for was a death with dignity after cancer finally left me feeling lifeless. No one had thought to remind me to plan for what I might do should I outlive cancer. My Google calendar was blank.

Then there's also been an onslaught of paperwork and court filings and appearances due to a lawsuit by a supposed friend who regularly claims "we are family." She, although clearly capable of causing me a great deal of stress, is sadly, probably crazier and more afflicted than I, in fact.

No amount of stressors that I have been navigating for the past few years, however, could justify to me my mind's manifestation of the seemingly unrelated and "unreal" events that have been occurring around me.

My mantra until today has been:

"You have gone crazy, Robert, but it's okay as long as you don't tell anyone about it. If you talk about it, that's when it will become real."

I first acknowledged that something wasn't right in my world in August when the occurrences around me became too numerous to ignore. In this series, I risk breathing life into what's been happening to me, but my hope is to take its power over me away as I write about it.

With your help, I hope this series of blog entries will be a useful tool for me in the process of reclaiming my life, my physical health, and my sanity.

I know that the circumstances that brought me here today do not define me, but I am convinced that the process by which I recover and identify a path out of the darkness is going to define the rest of my life. I hope you will join me in this process, share any similar experiences with me or advice you may have for me and help me illuminate my way out of the darkness and back into my life.

So, please, comment with your advice, encouragement, disbelief, or what have you. I believe that writing this series in real time as I recover, along with your feedback, will end up being my saving grace.

Coming Wednesday, November 14 on Pinky Penmark Blogs

Remaining Rational Amid Irrational Occurrences Became Impossible,...

and then I Discovered I had a Stalker.

noreply@blogger.com (C Robert Shaffer) — Sat, 10 Nov 2018 16:51:00 +0000

Follow my journey to reclaim my life in a special series beginning tomorrow on Pinky Penmark Blogs. Comment, offer advice and keep me honest by adding your input at the end of each of my blog entries as I try to make sense of the recent events in my life and get back to living. The special series begins tomorrow, Sunday, November 11, 2018. #orangeisthenewpink

My Personal American Horror Story

noreply@blogger.com (C Robert Shaffer) — Thu, 11 Oct 2018 23:50:00 +0000

This is the photo taken right before my family's interview with the #AmericanHorrorStory producers. What's yours?

Pictured below is me, Monte E Shaffer, Harriett A. Shaffer, and David Edward Shaffer.

Read the full story coming this Sunday, October 14th.

The Secret Allure of Selfishness is Becoming Intoxicating

noreply@blogger.com (C Robert Shaffer) — Mon, 17 Sep 2018 00:41:00 +0000

Calling on the World:

Please Help Me Stop My Downward Spiral Into Selfishness

For the past two decades of my life, I have tried my best to operate under the premise that I greatly benefit myself, my community, my country and the world at large when I help others, when I contribute to the greater good, when I recognize the needs of others first, and when I remain open-minded.

The costs and risks associated ***with* simply being kind, *after all, are minimal***.

A few weeks ago while browsing at Big Lots I fell in love with an $8 sign that reads “Kind is Cool”, and I brought it home to hang on the wall in my kitchen because I believe that being kind should be considered cool by everyone, and I want guests in my home to see the sign and ponder all the meaning that these three little words strung together pack in.

Recently, however, I have experienced a rapid onslaught of happenstances in my life, some of which on a normal day might seemingly be trivial and some much more complicated but none insurmountable, but all of which have left me with a hankering for becoming selfish. Strung together over a more than two week period these happenstances have left me on this Sunday afternoon feeling exhausted and nearly overwhelmed as I blog from my bed.

This period of onslaught you might recall began after a very short lull of peacefulness in my life that followed two years of ducking and dodging and fighting for my life during colon cancer treatment, chemotherapy, shingles, unending invasive medical tests and now the auto-immune disorder ulcerative colitis. Ironically, the doctors tell me that the UC was brought on by the chemotherapy that arguably saved my life.

Folks that know me well know that I don’t often complain about personal ailments or my stress level as a result of them. They also know that I am not very good at asking for help from friends when I may need it and that I am even worse at accepting help from others when they offer it. It can be blatantly clear that I am struggling physically due to my health or my emotions as a result, and I will hold my head up and declare “Please stop mothering me. I am fine. Now go on with yourself and leave me alone”. The best option for the people in my life when wanting to help is simply to go ahead and do what they think might be helpful for me because they learn quickly that if they ask me if they can help my response will be “No. I’ve got this.” Right or wrong, that’s just my effed up nature I guess.

Sunday Afternoon Blogging from Bed

Stick with me please, I promise all of this is going to come full circle and be relevant to the headline of this post teasing my unwanted spiral into selfishness. The headline was not a bait and switch.

I am not going to describe the details of the onslaught of happenstances I reference in order to protect the innocent, as they say. What I mean by that is to say that the details of each event I was maneuvering around happened in full view of people who were also asking something of me simultaneously, and by describing the events I would, in essence, be finger pointing at individuals who, in my opinion, should have recognized that I needed to handle my own personal business before I could be of any assistance to them. Had the roles been reversed and I was one of the sidelining observers, it would have been crystal clear to me that if Robert isn’t ok, then he can certainly not be of any assistance to me. Offering too many details could make these sideliners feel bad and firstly, that is not the point of this posting, but more importantly, to refer back to my first paragraph, ....

it would not be kind, right?

Let me just say that in many of these moments, I wanted nothing more than to scream as loudly as possible, “Are you fucking kidding me? Are you blind? You can see what I am in the middle of dealing with so until I resolve this, how the hell can I be of any help to you? Now, back the fuck up!”. But, if you already know me or have gotten to know me somewhat through this blog, then you already know that that is the opposite of what I said and did. I simply took a deep breath, forced a smile, interrupted my life and said, “Sure, how can I help you?”

It is the increasingly often times in my life as of late that I have to “suck it up” that have me laying here today pondering a new life of selfishness. It’s a struggle for me to imagine going full steam ahead with a life of being selfish, but the allure of it is becoming intoxicating,

like the secret allure
a fix for a recovering addict is intoxicating.

My downward spiral into selfishness could be easily avoided I feel if people would merely make a conscious effort to survey what is happening around them, take inventory of other people’s needs and proceed carefully before asking things of others. Timing is everything, after all, don’t they say? However, in my life lately, it seems as if tRump’s mantra “America First” for many people has morphed into “Me First”, and if it is happening to me, I would place a good bet that it is more often happening in your lives as well.

So, I will leave you with the following to ponder.

Do your best to take inventory of your surroundings and survey the needs of others before you take the risk of sending someone over the edge into a life of selfishness because they have grown tired of being too kind to say no. If we all practiced this the best we are able in our daily lives, I venture to say that a world of kindness and opportunity would become the norm at a very little cost to the “Me First” generations.

Please, please feel free to comment and add your thoughts to today's blog post.

Today is My New Year's Day & I Have a Resolution

noreply@blogger.com (Pinky Penmark) — Thu, 19 Jul 2018 13:50:00 +0000

Today is my New Year's Day as I turn 53. The past two years have been full of so many challenges, mostly centered around my health, and at times it has become all-consuming. I've remarked recently how I feel sometimes like my Grandmother who's conversations often centered around her most recent ailment or perceived ailment. As we age I know this can become the trend and although I loved you, Grandma, this is not a part of you that I wish to emulate.

My New Year's resolution is to remember that the last two years and every day have more importantly been filled with great friends and a tremendous amount of support. Therefore, as of today, I choose to cast aside the chains of my health issues that hold me down and celebrate my good fortune that is filled with good friends because Pinky Penmark, Pinky Penmark Speaks, Pinky Penmark Blogs and myself have a lot left to do and big plans coming for this next year.

Coming Next Week on Pinky Penmark Blogs: The Death of Covert Racism

noreply@blogger.com (C Robert Shaffer) — Thu, 12 Jul 2018 08:02:00 +0000

Racism is Now Overt, in Your Face and Permissible Thanks to Trump and His Base.

Politics and policy aside, there can be no arguing against the shameful fact that extremism has become our country's new normal.

Hate speech, homophobia, racism and most any other fear mongering word that you can tack ~i s m on to the end of is now commonplace in our daily lives. I hear examples of it every day and I don't mean from the television news, the fake news, the faux news or the Trump-loving news channel. I am talking about overhearing it or experiencing it during my daily life right here in St. Petersburg Florida.

To Be Continued.

Life, Interrupted: Another Medical Curveball Teeters Me Over the Batshit Crazy Cliff

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 10 Jul 2018 05:02:00 +0000

Last I posted my phone was ringing with my doctor on the other end presumably waiting to tell me that my cancer had returned followed by how long I may have to live because she knows that I made the decision some time ago that another round of chemotherapy was not an option with which I was willing to live.

Much to my surprise, those were not the words she delivered to me, and today's post, which I had promised to post a week ago, was going to focus on the short-lived excitement and relief I experienced followed by dismay, confusion and near depression I found myself immersed in after her phone call. But once again, nothing in my life can go as planned these days as one crisis merely wraps up just in time for the next one to reveal itself.

Briefly, here is the good news my doctor delivered that oddly enough left me feeling lost and nearly depressed about my future. I have explained previously that my doctors and myself had feared the worst: that my cancer had returned.
To the thrill of my doctors and myself, the round of tests they subjected me to revealed the opposite was true. My doctor, the radiologist and my oncologist after reviewing my test results were unable to find any sign of cancer in my entire abdomen. Miraculously, the chemotherapy had done its job and, for now, I was awarded my temporary cancer free card. I would not be eligible for a permanent cancer free card until several years of clear scans could be accumulated. But what about the return of my symptoms you are probably wondering? That is going to have to wait for another trip to the gastroenterologist and a different round of tests to determine the cause of the "extreme swelling of the colon, unrelated to cancer" as mentioned in my CT Scan synopsis.

This is exciting as hell, no? You bet your ass it was. I was thrilled and excited, not to mention surprised, beyond belief until I wasn't. You see I had only really planned my life up until that day, June 13th, that I was to receive my test results. My Google calendar from June 14th forward was a blank slate; a barren vast expanse of nothingness. Never before had my future been so empty. My calendar was typically full of upcoming events, celebrations, commitments and obligations, but I had purposefully made no entry beyond June 13th because I didn't think that I needed to litter my calendar with tasks associated with end of life planning. That's when my excitement turned to what was anticipated to be the title of this post, "WTF? What Do I Do Now?"

I had halfway analyzed and halfway processed the feelings associated with that spiralling down into the unknown and was prepared to write about it, but I am going to have to return to that analysis and that halfway written post because just when I should be accustomed to this onslaught of curveballs that are my life recently, I have been thrown a slider that I never saw coming.

Tonight, I'm laying in bed with a pick line in my arm that's attached to a portable pump supported by a lovely 1980s style fanny pack that every four hours delivers me an intravenous dose of antivirals to combat my latest interruption. That interruption being that I have shingles.

Note those corduroy OP Shorts. They're coming back!

Yes, God, Mother Nature or Satan, depending on when you ask me has decided that I am strong enough to overcome at least one more medical hurdle before I just say fuck it and go batshit crazy in some sort of scorched earth scenario. Please, please join me in hoping I that am indeed strong enough to overcome this latest obstacle because I have gone batshit crazy a few times in my life and none of us want to witness that hot mess again if it can be avoided.

You would think that this latest downtime would afford me plenty of opportunities to solve the problem of my barren Google calendar, but instead the pain and burning of these shingles has me considering ordering a BB gun from Amazon Prime so the next time I hear children laughing and playing outside my bedroom window I can pick them off one by one with BBs as we did those little ducklings moving from left to right across a fake river in the carnival games of our youth. Oops, pull the brakes, Robert. See what I mean? I am teetering right on the brink of batshit crazy. Had I felt like this in the late 80s I could have easily been the one framing my husband for murder by killing myself in the trunk of his car instead of that batshit crazy Jill, ("Oh, poor Jill" as Valene would say) from that delicious television show Knots Landing. Her husband, Gary, drove a Jaguar nonetheless. How delicious (and batshit crazy) is that? Seriously, catch the episode if you can from Knots Landing Season 10, Episode 16 titled "Poor Jill", of course.

This is probably the point where I should take a break in order to try yet another worthless pain relieving gel, but one more of those might just push me over that batshit crazy cliff that all of us are hoping I can avoid. So, instead, I am going to pop three 600mg Ibuprofen, a 10MG Ambien and an anti-depressant, call it a night and check back in with you tomorrow.

Coming this Week--Epiloque to a Phone Call: WTF Do I Do Now?

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 01 Jul 2018 10:12:00 +0000

In order to keep our readers up to speed, coming in short order this week will be "Epilogue to a Phone Call: WTF Do I Do Now?" Watch for it by Wednesday, July 4, 20018.

Please note going forward that if life were to take another turn as it did recently for me and you desire faster updates than this blog may be able to provide, you may subscribe to Pinky Penmark Speaks newsletter at pinkypenmark.com and facebook.com/pinkypenmarkFL. Both of these places allow for brief and more timely updates that do not require a lengthy editing process. Do keep in mind, although, that the focus of Pinky Penmark Blogs is not expected to focus on my life, yet, as it did recently, my life may present a personal topic on occasion upon which I may blog.

Tomorrow is the First Day of the Final Chapter of My Life

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 30 Jun 2018 18:58:00 +0000

(written 22 hours before a scheduled life-changing doctor appoint)

"is she really going to tell me how long I have left to live over the freaking phone?"

At least destiny has a high Scrabble score...

Tomorrow at 10am everything I have felt for the past few months will be confirmed. Tick tock, tick tock.

I should be outside enjoying nature, relaxing at the beach, doing something daredevil-ish, something, anything to soak in life, to absorb the feeling of what I anticipate to be the last day of freedom and frolicking without the weight of my mortality forcing me to acknowledge what my conscience has been whispering to me for quite some time.

Tomorrow, Wednesday, June 13, 2018, at 10am I will learn the results of a battery of tests I had last week to determine what cancer has in store for me next.

You would think I would be worried, scared, reaching out to anyone I could for comfort. But, instead, I sit here alone, and in silence contemplating what I should do with the final days and weeks of my life. Only two other people by design know about my appointment tomorrow. And only I (and my doctors) know the extent to which my symptoms have returned, the same debilitating symptoms that first lead to my cancer diagnosis 18 months ago.

I already know what I am going to be told tomorrow. It's the end of the line. Time to get my affairs in order. Update my legal documents so that it is explicitly clear to all of my doctors what life-sustaining measures I am willing, and more importantly, not willing to tolerate. Plan what I want to do for the final few months of my life.

Does it sound like I have a death wish? I honestly don't, but I have been preparing for my death for 30 years, and on some odd level it is comforting and a relief to know that the time is finally coming. Since I converted to being HIV+ in the late 80s when AIDS was a death sentence, I have been "Counting Christmases", and it's tiring. I'm exhausted, and I am at peace knowing that this cliffhanger of a life of mine will be coming to its ultimate resolution.

Fate, the God of my understanding, or my Higher Power, whichever I am comfortable with at the current moment, has intervened and revealed to me the results I will have confirmed at tomorrow morning's appointment.

First, I cannot come up with any viable reason why the symptoms of my cancer have returned other than that my cancer has returned to claim the prize it has been after all along, my life. I swear I could feel it inside of me pissed off, pacing and plotting a new course of action as I started feeling better months ago. I know that cancer wants nothing more and nothing less than to devour its host. I watched it devour my father and others. I know it doesn't play fair, and it doesn't like to lose. I don't have much if any, experience in my life with cancer losing. It would always be the little guy sitting on my shoulder whispering in my ear, and it will be a relief to finally shut him up, even if my death is the only way to do it. He has been whispering to me for far too many years.

Second, in the past ten days, I have had four nearly out of body experiences. Four random experiences that I cannot understand in any other way except to believe that my life has been sped up in order to squeeze any good remaining from it out before there is no time left. In the past ten days, I have met four absolute strangers in random places from coming out of the grocery store to pumping gas at 7-11. Somehow these four strangers end up telling me their story, their shortcomings, their troubles, their current predicament. Suddenly I wonder what time it is and I reach for my phone and discover that in each instance with each random stranger more than four hours have passed in what seemed like an instant. And in those more than four hours, I, who understands very little about life, I found myself counseling these strangers about their lives. This had to be some shit from some weird Hallie Berry and Tom Hanks movie flashback, but it was really happening to me.

Startled, I just realized my phone is ringing, and it's 9:15 am, forty-five minutes before my doctor appoint. Where the hell has the night gone? I reach for the phone, but it has already gone to voice mail. I look at the caller ID. WTF? It was my doctor calling, is she really going to tell me how long I have left to live over the freaking phone?

2018 St Pete Pride Parade Photo Gallery

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 30 Jun 2018 03:02:00 +0000

Photo Credits to TampaBay Times (various)

One Day Only! Pinky Will Service You at St Pete Pride

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 23 Jun 2018 14:48:00 +0000

Pinky Penmark Offering FREE Service for One Day Only Today At St Pete Pride.

Visit Pinky today next to the St Pete Pride Main Stage to Get Serviced!

Enough Said.....

What is Pinky anyway? Here's my brief take on it.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 17 Jun 2018 19:10:00 +0000

Where's the Wig???
No Make-up??

"Boy, she isn't very feminine is she?"

What Pinky is and isn't...

Pinky Penmark is simply put merely a character and nothing more with no intended resemblances to anyone living or dead. Nor, was the character of Pinky Penmark based on anyone living or dead.

Pinky is not a drag queen, drag persona, drag person or female illusionist. I remain adamant about this particular point not because such an association would offend me but because I do not profess to have the type of talents and artistry that those wonderful performers have.

Pinky is unique and ultimately knows no gender (though she does like men). Pinky, the character, is both equal parts real me and my imagination. She is not the type of character that reads a script, but she is a character none the less.

Pinky will work the hell out of the room from a microphone or a stage but there is little chance of seeing her "stir the pudding" or "pick the grapes".

Not Bursting with Pride this June? Maybe you should consider a move.

noreply@blogger.com (Pinky Penmark) — Sun, 03 Jun 2018 21:07:00 +0000

If you are not bursting with Pride in Tampa Bay in June, you may be living in the wrong city.

Our LGBTQ+ month of Pride is once again upon us. June is the one month each year when Rainbows and Unicorns are real. It is a fantastical display of our individualism, our community, our Pride and our unwavering quest for full equality. We seek not the rights to be unique, but we seek the simple courtesy of being able to blend into the fabric of society without being persecuted.

Yes, we are fabulous (I tend to think we are super-fabulous, in fact). And, yes, we can be colorful, and loud, and rambunctious. And, yes, we can even be flamboyant, God forbid. And who should care? Absolutely no one as long as we are not hurting anyone else. So, we like to have fun, have a few cocktails, maybe expose a little skin and have more than a little sex. Who should care? Once again, absolutely no one as long as we are not hurting anyone.

We feel unique; in fact, many of us are fabulously unique. But our uniqueness is not what we fight for, nor what we come together each June to celebrate. We fight for our right to walk down the street past people of our every other walk of life without being noticed. We do not ask anyone for anything other than to be exactly who we are and to be able to exist in society without others pointing , gawking, staring, catcalling, bullying and being able to organize legal ways to discriminate against because we live our fabulousness out loud and in ways that most wish they had the nerve to do.

This June put a little extra pep (or twerk) in your step, rejoice in our sense of community and the things that bond us together and simply laugh to yourself that the people that don’t understand are actually merely jealous of our fabulousness. They simply wish that they had the moxie to live their lives as exactly who they are also.

Also, remember that there are differences amongst everyone, but more things bind us than separate us and if you chose not to celebrate Pride this month as some sort of stance against how the bookend of this month, St Pete Pride, has been organized then you will be only one missing out. No one else will even notice you weren’t there. We will be far too busy being fabulous.

Happy Pride!

Relax, It's Still Mother's Day!

noreply@blogger.com (C Robert Shaffer) — Sun, 13 May 2018 16:40:00 +0000

Perfectly Flawed-The Mother (and Moment) that Made Me

noreply@blogger.com (Pinky Penmark) — Sun, 13 May 2018 04:01:00 +0000

Welcome to the First Post in honor of my Mother on the All-New Pinky Penmark Blogs

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

We hope you all enjoy reading "Perfectly Flawed" and that you remember every day that you are capable of making peoples' lives better with even the seemingly most innocuous choices that you make.

Excerpt from Mom's Mother's Day Gift 2018

noreply@blogger.com (C Robert Shaffer) — Sat, 12 May 2018 22:19:00 +0000

Mom's Mother's Day Gift 2018--a SmileBox excerpt from Pinky Penmark Blogs

A slideshow design by Smilebox