Pintester

Sponge-Stamped Onesies

2013-06-17T13:39:02Z

My sister is expecting baby #2 pretty much any day now. Remember I said how I’m jealous that she’s thinner than me and pregnant? I may have neglected to mention that she’s in month 9 of her pregnancy. Still thin. Still beautiful.

Joanna on the left, me on the right

I bought her some real presents for the Dragon Baby (so dubbed by big sister Neve of cloth diapering fame), but I decided to make the baby something, too. Yeah, perhaps not the best decision given my track record. I really wanted to do something like this…

Image from glutenfreeconfessions.com

But my sewing skills are so completely abysmal that I decided not to even try it. Instead, I took the onesie idea and modified it to be a sponge-stamped onesie, inspired by these kitchen towels:

Image from valley & co. lifestyle

To be honest, I was really hoping mine would turn out better than the tea towels… They sort of look like… well, they actually look a little like I made them. But you know, tie a ribbon around that shit and call it handmade and you’re golden, right?

So I gathered my supplies, including real honest-to-God fabric paint. Nothing is too good for you, Dragon Baby.

Then I had to cut my sponge in a shape. Originally, I was going to try to do something all cool and creative, like a dragon, but I thought I’d at least start with something easy, and I had a heart cookie cutter I could use as an outline.

I traced the heart onto the sponge.

It is deceptively more difficult than you would think to cut a sponge, and thus my heart ended up like this:

I then decided that a heart was quite ambitious enough.

I don’t know how long it’s been since you’ve been around a baby, but for me it’s been two and a half years (since big sister Neve was born), and I forgot how tiny they are when they get here.

I don’t know how anything that tiny can survive outside the womb. Human babies, you are cray.

Anyway, I dipped my newly created heart sponge in some paint.

And applied to onesie, saying a little please-don’t-embarrass-Auntie incantation as I went.

And, you know, it didn’t turn out too bad! Nicely done, Auntie.

(Next I need to learn how to hold a baby properly when her neck is still all floppy, and not freak the fuck out that I’m not going to support her little baby noggin right, and it’s going to pop off like a Barbie head. Baby steps.)

I made a set of three, and they’re not perfect, but I think they’re cute. Hopefully Dragon Baby’s mommy will tell her someday that, like the handmade sponge-stamped onesies, Auntie Sonja is a little weird, and certainly not perfect, but she’s full of love at least.

Welcome to the world, Dragon Baby.

Love,

Weird Auntie Sonja

Crazy Cake

2013-06-14T13:43:42Z

There are many crazy things about this cake, not the least of which is that it does not call for eggs. Hence the name, I suppose… (It’s called crazy cake.)

Image from VeryBestBaking.com

You guys all made fun of me last time I substituted baking soda and vinegar for eggs in a recipe, but HA. This recipe is doing it on purpose. I feel smart now.

Another thing that makes a crazy cake crazy is that you mix it all in the pan you’re going to bake it in. I feel like a rebel doing shit like this, y’all.

The instructions for this recipe said to poke three holes in the dry ingredients to pour the wet ingredients into. I did it with my finger, of course.

Here’s a tip, though, free from me to you: Once you have used your finger to make a hole in your dry ingredients, do not lick it to clean it off. I am assuming you have seen the cinnamon challenge? If not, here:

It was kinda like that except with cocoa powder.

Also, the hole was too small. TWSS.

And, defying all logic, you then pour cold water over the whole thing and mix it up. I am not sure, in that case, what the point of the holes was, but whatever. Crazy cake lives up to its name yet again.

Mixing cake in a pan is more difficult than you might imagine, and one tends to give up even though there are still lumps of white flour. (And by “one tends to give up,” I mean that I gave up, yo.)

I baked it for 34 minutes. Then I let it cool.

When I went to cut myself a corner piece, most of it stuck to the pan, but I swear to you the directions clearly said “ungreased.” Next time I’m just going to spray everything with Baker’s Joy no matter what the directions say because I will never again believe anything that says a pan should be ungreased. Fuck that shit. Liars.

It tasted ok I guess. The outside was a little burned and chewy, but the inside part wasn’t bad. And, if you think about it, “crazy” is still a good name for the cake in this case, because it’s a little weird on the outside, but it’s good at its center. (Right? Right? I win the metaphor medal. Thanks.)

OUT-TAKES: DIY Gel Nails

2013-06-12T19:28:53Z

My boot camp workout class thingie actually made me cry literal tears this morning, and I am a wreck and did not feel at all inclined to tape any new video today, so you get some out-takes that didn’t make it into last week’s DIY Gel Nails video. I’m sorry I’m so lame. But I need to go cry some more now. (I totally played it off. I was like, “Oh, no, dude, that’s just my eyeball sweating. It does that… you know… sometimes.”) (If you can’t see the video, click here!)

The book I mentioned in the video is available here!

Don’t forget to subscribe to my YouTube channel to be the first to get the videos every week.

Secret Fruit Salad

2013-06-11T18:15:53Z

Sorry, guys, but the blog is going to be a little food-heavy this month. I was starving when I wrote up my schedule so all the food looked really appealing. Husband and I are doing our darnedest to stick to a Paleo-ish diet. Some days we do better than others. (“Cavemen ate cookies, didn’t they, honey?”)

This one actually sort of qualifies even for a diet, since it’s fruit salad. Cavemen totally had fruit.

Image from Rachel Schultz

The “secret” ingredient is vanilla Jell-o instant pudding, though, and I’m pretty sure the cavemen didn’t have that… But it’s a secret ingredient, so maybe we can just pretend it’s not in there and eat it anyways.

In college, whenever someone decided we were having a potluck, I always made fruit salad. I lived in a dorm with only a microwave and tiny refrigerator, so cooking anything super ambitious was out of the question. I would get a big take-out box of fruit from the cafeteria (totally not stealing– it was a buffet and they gave you take-out boxes), chop it up, mix it together, and throw a yogurt in there. I’ve never heard of using Jell-o pudding powder instead of yogurt, but I’m game for anything, guys.

At our house, fruit salad is made with whatever the fuck we can find that is not moldy. Today I managed to gather a pretty decent collection.

You’ll note my leftover strawberries from the fruit roll-up experiment. I thought about saving them to make more fruit roll-ups, but no.

This does not even resemble what the recipe calls for, but hey, it’s fruit, so it totally counts.

Next the instructions said to use two tablespoons of the Jell-o pudding powder.

Fuck that noise, yo. What am I going to do with the remaining Jell-o pudding powder then, huh? Chocolate chips leftover are fine, but not powdered Jell-o pudding. So I dumped the whole thing in there.

Now, you will notice, perhaps, that my recipe didn’t use as many of the “juicy” fruits as the other recipe did. This did not bother me. I like granny smith apples, and I don’t care what you say. But it turns out that in this case, the juice actually serves a fairly important purpose, and that is to dissolve the Jell-o pudding powder. Oops.

So, er, yeah, mine is not the most beautiful fruit salad ever created.

Still, it tastes pretty good, I guess. Nothing special, and I’d pit it against not-stolen cafeteria fruit and yogurt any day, but still, not bad. Even if mine is way uglier.

Gel Nails Chip Update

2013-06-10T13:56:49Z

Last week I did a video tutorial on how to do your own version of shellack nail polish at home. (If you missed it, check it out. I also drank TWO Long Island iced teas.)

That was Wednesday last week, and the first tiny chip in the nail polish showed up on Friday:

I’m pleased to say, though, that the manicure still looks pretty darn great. Today is Monday and between Wednesday and now I’ve done lots of chip-causing activities, including making 150 name badges, washing my hair, putting sheets on the bed, and doing a fucking terrible medicine ball workout.

But, here, you be the judge. Here’s my manicure on Day 6 (Monday) (I’m counting Wednesday as Day 1.):

And that’s my right (dominant) hand, so I’d say that’s pretty darn impressive. I’m going to leave it on for another week, I think, and see how it does. If I can make it two weeks with it relatively intact, I will be uber impressed. Usually my manicures last a week before they look terrible and I have no doubt that this one will still be lookin’ pretty sweet tomorrow at the 1-week mark.

I did crack the actual nail of the index finger on my left hand. (God knows how– I just noticed it one day, kind of like the phantom bruises I get everywhere. Maybe I sleepwalk.) So I’ll probably repair that so it doesn’t crack all the way across and make me cut my nail short. That’s not cheating, right?

Anyway, A+++++ so far on this shit. I love it. (Nobody paid me to say that, but I would accept money if you’re listening, Gelous people… Heh.)

Apple Cinnamon Slow Cooker Pork Loin

2013-06-07T19:25:46Z

You all know of my love affair with my slow cooker. If I can slow-cook it, I totally do, so I was on board immediately when I saw this pin for apple cinnamon slow cooker pork loin. Mmmmrmrmrmrm.

Image from Rachel Schultz

I joined a “boot camp” at one of my local gyms, and I made this after my very first session, so my arms were like jelly and I was sort of stumbling around all exercise-drunk. (Is that just me?) I was not reading or following directions very carefully, but hey, when you just throw everything in the crockpot, directions don’t matter too much anyways, right?

So I threw the whole pork loin on top of some apples in the crockpot.

And THEN I realized I should have cut it up to put the apples in it first, but who the hell needs a cutting board anyway? And why dirty up another thing? So I cut that bitch in my crockpot. That’s how we do.

Fine, not as pretty as the pin, but hey, it’s me.

Then I threw all the other shit in.

And then I turned on the crockpot and let it go for 7 hours.

I actually thought I was catching a cold because my nose ran all day, but I think it was maybe just the cinnamon smell cooking into the air. It was pretty strong. (Bad thing about working from home and also making slow-cooker meals is that you have to smell them all day and be tempted to eat it all before dinner.)

So, imagine my surprise when the final product was… bland. It wasn’t bad, exactly, it just wasn’t really sweet or tangy or spicy or anything that would make it that interesting.

A resounding “meh” for me on this one, but I might try it again sometime with a cinnamon rub on the pork loin or maybe just adding the cinnamon in halfway through cooking it or something. I dunno. Crockpots sometimes tend to sap all the flavor out of things… But you know me. I probably actually won’t try it again because I am lazy and I move on from failures quickly (she says, as she wallows in every mistake she ever made in her youth…).

Slim-Fast Sweepstakes and the REAL Reasons I Want to Lose a Few Pounds

2013-06-06T14:57:15Z

It’s no secret that I want to lose a few pounds. After all, I did try the 3-day military diet. Blech. Check out the video below to see why I’m giving Slim-Fast a go and why I really want to lose the weight (and not just the fake reasons I usually tell everyone). (If you can’t see the video, click here!)

(Here’s that bourbon chocolate milkshake I mentioned in the video.)

As I explained in the video, to enter the sweepstakes, answer my question in the comments below: What’s the wackiest reason you’ve ever had for wanting to lose weight? Don’t be shy. I wanna know! Two lucky entries from participating blogs will be selected at random to win a $1,000 SpaFinder gift card!

Rules:

No duplicate comments.

You may receive (2) total entries by selecting from the following entry methods:

a) Leave a comment in response to the sweepstakes prompt on this post

b) Tweet (public message) about this promotion; including exactly the following unique term in your tweet message: “#SweepstakesEntry”; and leave the URL to that tweet in a comment on this post

c) Blog about this promotion, including a disclosure that you are receiving a sweepstakes entry in exchange for writing the blog post, and leave the URL to that post in a comment on this post

d) For those with no Twitter or blog, read the official rules to learn about an alternate form of entry.

This giveaway is open to US Residents age 18 or older.

Winners will be selected via random draw, and will be notified by e-mail. You have 72 hours to get back to me, otherwise a new winner will be selected.

The Official Rules are available here.

This sweepstakes runs from 6/6/13 – 6/30/13.

Be sure to visit the Slim-Fast brand page on BlogHer.com where you can read other bloggers’ reviews and find more chances to win!

Check out Slim-Fast on Facebook by clicking here!

DIY Gel Nails

2013-06-10T13:49:42Z

Time for a brand new cocknails! I’m trying out a DIY gel manicure today. Enjoy! (If you can’t see the video, click here!)

The real tutorial on DIY gel nails is at ramblingsfromyourstruly.blogspot.com.

Long island ice tea recipe came from about.com.

Here’s an update on how they look after 6 days!

Homemade Fruit Roll-ups

2013-06-12T20:22:24Z

Fruit Roll-Ups are one of my fondest memories of childhood. Ok, well, that right there is hyperbole. My fond memories do revolve around more significant things than Fruit Roll-Ups. But we did have fun with them. In elementary school, all the kids who got Fruit Roll-Ups were the coolest because (get this) we’d take them and squish them to the roofs of our mouths and say, “Look! I have a retainer!” Yes, children without retainers were pretending to have them. Coolness is relative in elementary school, guys.

Anyway, when I saw this pin for how to make your own Fruit Roll-Ups, I knew I had to try it.

Image from The DIY Mommy

The first problem I came across was the problem of fruit. I had exactly… grapes, and nothing else. But then I remembered my frozen strawberries, purchased aspirationally when I bought my tiny blender thinking I’d drink a smoothie for breakfast every day like Jenna Marbles. Perfect. I didn’t want those fucking smoothies anyway.

The second problem is that my cute little individual blender, while adorable, is not big enough for two cups of strawberries.

No problem. I can make it in batches, I thought. And sure, they’re frozen, but I’m adding honey as liquid so it’ll all be fine.

And the answer to that thought process is a resounding NO. No, it will not blend. So I dumped everything out into a bowl, microwaved it for 30 seconds, added a little water, and blended it in even smaller batches.

It only took 3 or 4 (or 5 or 6) batches to get it all done and poured out onto the cookie sheet.

Not the most appetizing thing in the world, but hell, I’ve eaten worse. How bad could it be when the only two ingredients I used were strawberries and honey?

My oven’s lowest setting is 200 degrees, so I turned it on and stuck this in the oven. I thought it might be done in about 3 hours. It took 4 and a half. At one point, though, I thought it was done and took it out and even ate some, only to find that the center of the pan was still liquid.

Oops. When it was actually done, I took it out and peeled it off the paper. It was pretty nasty, guys. Not to be gross (ok, I’m lying about that– this is solely to be gross), but it looked sort of like a used, dried up maxi pad. Om nom.

Actually, though, it tasted pretty damn delicious and I think wouldn’t even need the honey were I to make it again. But let’s be honest: I’m not going to blend 5 batches of strawberries and bake something for four hours just for a piece of Fruit Roll-Up that I ended up eating in two sittings, no matter how damn delicious it is.

Ways to Tie a Scarf

2013-06-02T03:33:38Z

My lovely assistant and I are going to show you different ways to tie a scarf today. (If you can’t see the video, click here!)

Don’t forget to check out The Pintester Movement from yesterday! It was a smashing success, even if some of the tests were fails. There are so many fantastic blog posts to pick from. This will keep you busy for a while, guys.

Also, shameless plug moment: My writing partner and I just finished a brand new book all about how to get your book published! It’s called Vampires and Tantric Sex: How to Publish Your Book Like a Bona Fide Badass. We have it on good authority that it’s our best book yet. Well, fine, Lisa’s husband said that, and she’s sleeping with him, so, you know, he sort of has to be nice to her, but still. It’s good. You guys will like it. OH! OH! And it’s FREE, at least until June 3, so get yer hands on it quick!