I have recently (5 minutes ago) been made aware of something called “SOPA” which is meant to stop piracy. What a very silly thing. How would giving us pirates a bath stop us? Look man, we LIVE on the wet, wet ocean* so what good would that do? Would a clean pirate be any less drunk on rum? Would a drunk pirate be any less fascinated with breastie dumplings? What be up with all this pirate hate anyhow, Representative Lamar Smith? I am beginning to suspect that the United States is run by a flock of fat old ninjers who be jealous of me, Captain Drew, inventor of the rPlank and the book, the Official Survival Guide to the rPlank (available on Amazon.com, in color and black & white). Listen, Congress: leave us be. Quit trying to give us a bath or we’ll let our dirty pirate hookers go to the press!!!**

Help Congress to fashion sensible laws that don’t attack your rights, learn more about SOPA and PIPA today. Follow this link and make your voice heard! You can even make it a funny voice if you like. Just do it. Hurry, because they’re scheduled to vote on January 24th.

* all them other pirates, anyhow. I be a space pirate, remember?
** an entirely idle threat

Raise the blag flag! ‘Tis time to see your scurvy hide in Decatarrrr…. what be you on the Internet for anyhow??? Go!!! Look lively! All the information you need is on the Pubcrawl Page!!!

PiratePalooza.com is pleased to announce that Captain Drew has awarded the exclusive worldwide service rights for the rPlank™ to Onyx Consulting of Atlanta. In an entirely unrelated matter, Onyx Consulting has returned as a premiere sponsor of Captain Drew’s Official 7th Annual PiratePalooza PubCrawl & PubSing!! Not only is Onyx Consulting the only authorized service provider for the rPlank™ on your planet, they also be an Apple Authorized Service center and a generally clever group of boffins who quietly solve IT problems and avoid pompous self-promotion (unlike Captain Drew). This fall Onyx will be opening their 3rd location, near Georgia Tech, at 1634 Northside Drive between Holmes and Belmeade. What was formerly a pet hospital will now be a computer hospital, so don’t be afraid to take your beloved family computer in for a heartworm check or a nice shampoo. Best of all, for those without a lot of money to spend, Onyx has established the Onyx Consulting Foundation (“The OCF”); a non-profit which sells affordably priced refurbished computer equipment, with all proceeds going toward the Dekalb Rape Crisis Center & The YMCA Partner With Youth Program, two very worthwhile causes! (note: Onyx requires all pirates wishing to have their rPlank™ repaired to pay in advance)

We like to think that the Official PiratePalooza PubCrawl & PubSing experience is incomplete without the purchase of one of our commemorative T-shirts, and that’s not just because we hate stumbling over piles of those cursed unsold shirts for the 364 days leading up to the next Palooza. This year it should come as no surprise that the artwork on the reverse side of the shirts features Captain Drew’s newest invention, the rPlank™. Best of all (for you scurvy dogs) we’ve held the price of the T-shirts down to $15 (even though they have a crazy lot of ink on them) and for the first time in the 7 years of PiratePalooza history, Captain Drew is dropping the cost of shirts from previous Paloozas down to $10 – get them while they last. See you on Saturday?!!

The schedule for the Official 2011 PiratePalooza PubCrawl & PubSing has been updated on the Pubcrawl page of the website [follow this link!] – take a look, write it down!! Seriously. Last year Captain Drew had to have this schedule waved under his nose before he would agree to move to the next venue so it’s INCREDIBLY important that you lot have a copy of it and bring it along with you!!

In case you hadn’t seen it yet, we’re very proud of the rPlank™!!

rPlank™ : The Official Guide by Captain Drew is now available in full cover softcover (Lulu.com) and eBook format from the Apple iBookstore (Apple iTunes). We’re not kidding here matey, this be an actual book what you may buy for your favorite pirate, just in time for Talk Like a Pirate Day!! The print edition is currently available as a full-color softcover from Lulu.com and will be available later from popular, well-known online retailers. A black & white edition will be released soon for those of you saving your doubloons.

Learn more now, visit the rPlank™ mini-site.

It’s dangerous, and it smells funny. Introducing the rPlank™ – the best invention since the rPhone™. Learn more now, visit the rPlank™ mini-site.

Reports are coming in that Captain Drew, founder of PiratePalooza.com and beloved space pirate, has spent most of the day attempting to persuade a well known kilt-wearing celebrity/photographer to return an “invaluable” first generation prototype of a brand new device, after it was left in a bar (by Captain Drew.)

Lawyers acting on behalf of the 465 year old time-traveling space pirate claimed publicly posted photographs of the secret new device would be “staggeringly deleterious” to the launch of the new product. According to newly released screenshots, Captain Drew (also the leader of the annual PiratePalooza Pubcrawl and Pubsing), personally contacted a Mister “Photognome”, the star of thousands of photographs featuring scantily clad, (potentially) biologically accommodating wenches. Details of the discussion are not publicly posted, but it is reported that Mr. Gnome has demanded some sort of recompense for the surrender of the device.

Our efforts to contact Mr. Gnome for a personal interview were answered by accusations that we are actually Captain Drew, pretending to be a disinterested reporter. I resent this implication.

Mister Gnome has claimed that he discovered the device in a bar and that he did not steal it from Captain Drew.

Highly placed sources say that talks are underway to return the device to Captain Drew and to remove all accusations of wrongdoing from Mister Gnome.

Stay tuned.

Last night, while celebrating an imminent announcement regarding this year’s Official PiratePalooza™ Pubcrawl and Pubsing, Captain Drew lost a very important piece of space pirate technology. The device was most likely lost at Trader Vic’s or one of 12 other bars that the Captain visited during that evening’s fete. The Captain wishes to keep this alien technology out of his competitors’ hands and is asking you, his fans, to keep an eye out for anything that might look space piratey. As an incentive, the Captain is offering an “as yet to be specified” reward for the return of this technology. He would prefer that “space strippers find it because that would be cool!!! Wouldn’t that be cool???” Thank you for your assistance, pirates of Earth.

As Captain Drew so nobly declared last Septembarrrr: “Marrga farza frappa ragga rumma blaarrgh blaarrgh blaarrgh” which roughly translates to “I call upon the pirate captains of the world to assemble your crews and gather 1 year from now in the City of Decatarrrr to celebrate with us there the running of the 7th Annual Official PiratePalooza™ Pubcrawl & Pubsing!!!”

And so we be pleased to officially announce that the date for this year’s PiratePalooza™ Pubcrawl & Pubsing will be Saturday, Septembarrrr the 17th!

That be only 1 month and 26 days away, poppet, so spread the word to all the ruffians and bandits you run into out there in those hives of scum and villainy you so often frequent. Yes, Kal-El, we be talking about your favorite comic book store. ::headdeck::

We’ll post more information as the date nears, for now please SHARE this as best you see fit (wenches only, mind you).

Oh for the love of ten thousand blinding suns, Queen Anne has taken up with wonton kissing wenches and traveling minstrels… surely this cannot end well for Her Majesty…

In celebration of this weekend’s AnachroCon 2011 “Southern Steampunk Symposium” we’ve decided to run a story that was recently submitted by Captain Drew, inventor of the rPhone. We ordinarily edit most the Captain’s story for brevity and reading comprehension, but it was his special request that this story be allowed to run in its unedited state “for the sake of all of them steamboat people”. (Our apologies go out to all of you Steampunk faithful, and to our friends over at AnachroCon (Feb 25-27), you know how impossible the Captain can be)

This be the story of how I first met William Thorson MacLeod, Chairman of AnachroCon.

One Sunday evening last summer I found myself at a nerd convention what be called “Dragon*Con”. I’d heard that a bunch of steamboat people were gatherin’ with some pirate mates of mine up at a place what be called the “Peach Tree Plaza”. As it turns out, it weren’t no plaza at all, it were a giant tower made of glass and cement. Mostly cement on the inside, which is just lovely, if you be a man what sells cement. To me, it were an eyesore. Still, being the space pirate you all know and love, I proceeded inward to seek out the shindig.

If you’ve ever had the pleasure of visiting a fully operational Death Star (Mk2) you’ll be familiar with the exotic range of centralized elevator shafts, black-on-black decor, fly-over bridges, gantries and other unnecessarily dangerous modes of moving from Point “A” to Point “B” ranged throughout this Atlanta landmark.

From my observations, I surmise that the designers of the Peachtree Tower Plaza Tower Thing (plaza) Hotel are obviously fans of Grand Moff Tarkin’s brother Lou (reknowned throughout the galaxy for his non-union cement factories and penchant for strolling through plazas at dusk), as the interior of that damned tower were slathered in cement! It was like a million historic preservationists crying out in unison, then suddenly silenced by a sharp crack upside the head by a Neo-Brutalist.

So it was that I arrived at the appointed floor of this big time-traveling steamboat pirate fete, roughly 30 minutes after I supposed the event were supposed to kick off.

A fashionably late arrival beed* my plan.

As the doors of the lift opened upon Detention Block AA 23 I followed a gaggle of goggled goomers in fancy hats and mutton chops, figuring they knew where the party might be located. Sure enough, ahead of us were an array of doors leading into what must surely be a rather large ballroom. To my surprise, the party had not yet started and a rather large line had formed outside the doors.

Being a rather infamous space pirate, the inventor of the rPhone and fairly uppity, I supposed that I might call upon my celebrity to slip inside ahead of the growing line of scurvy sea dogs and be-goggled Victorians…. so I sauntered casually up toward the entrance, to where the door keepers were standing guard. I must confess that I did not recognize a single one of them and did not wish to pull the “Do You Know Who I Am??” speech on them, mostly because it never works.

So I slipped back off to the side of one of those flying platforms and attempted to contact my mates on the inside via telephone and textual message, but even the legendary transmission power of the rPhone could not escape the cement tomb in which we stood. This was going to be embarrassing… ME!! Captain Drew!!! Standing in line with women named Hogarth and Hetta? Men with goggles and steam-powered undergarments? I’m a bloody space pirate!!! I had to do something nefarious to invade the party early, when the drink stations were at their most vulnerable.

That’s when I spotted the other doors.

You know, the doors on the next fly-over platform above the one I were presently standing upon… the doors what opened onto the balcony of the enormous ballroom. This was how a real pirate would insert himself into the party ahead of all those other patient, good-natured, civic-minded Victorians who honor standing in line and paying taxes and not looking up the ruffles of a steamboat lady what has stooped to pick up her fallen goggles.

All I had to do was to get to the next level up, select a door (any door, there were at least a hundred by my count) and stick my head inside to shout “Halloo! It be Captain Drew! Let me downstairs, okay? Hooty Hoo??”

To do make that last bit happen I had to be on the same floor as those hundred doors. I could take the elevator, but that was a risk, seeing as how all those black-on-black buttons had confused me quite a bit on the ride up. I was beginning to seriously panic when I spotted the spiral staircase.

It was like something from Earth’s 1960s!! A zany bit of vertical commotion that only humans could imagine, and there it was… like a crazy winding stair to the heavens!!

I sprang into action and sauntered up as if to say hello to a few of my pirate mates what were patiently waiting in line (you know who you are and should be embarrassed). Then, when everyone was lulled into a sense of false joviality I politely shoved my way past them and began trotting up the spiral staircase to the fly-over gantry one level up. The thing that I did not consider when I began chugging up the stairs was that the rails of that spiral staircase were crafted of transparent aluminum and that anybody and his sister might see me making my break.

And they did. Rather, SHE did.

I was halfway up the stair, with my back to the ballroom, when a jovial British woman’s voice rang out in the air behind me: “Captain Drew!!!!”

I froze in place halfway up the staircase, my hands making claws in the air in front of me, in absolute and utter shock. This was something that I had never considered. Slowly, I turned to face my accuser, who sang out again in yet a LOUDER and CHEERIER voice: “Captain Drew!!!!!!”

Oh dear.

It were my friend Maria.

I gamely waggled one of my claw-shaped hands in greeting to Maria as I noticed the people with Maria who were watching me with idle curiosity. A few of them knew me and yelled out their own greetings. The people standing around those people didn’t know me from Adam’s house cat and were regarding me with an appropriate level of disapproval. A space pirate on a spiral staircase is apparently considered bad luck for steamboat people!

To defer all suspicion I reached into one of my pouches and produced a mouth harmonium, which I began to play in earnest (note: I have no training on the mouth harmonium). After 10 seconds of screechy wheezing I stopped, embarrassed and ready to come back down the stair to be hung, or whatever it is that steamboat people does to pirates.

But that’s when some wag yelled “Needs more cowbell!!!”

I don’t exactly know what he meant by that remark, and I do not know what possessed me in that moment, but I pulled out my quantum flintlock and began hammering away at my mouth harmonium as if it were a cowbell… and even though the only sound it produced was the sound of a mouth harmonium being smashed and dented by the butt of a flintlock, the people clapped along.

And by “people” I mean a great number of the people who were standing in line, bored and looking for a distraction.

And by “clapping along” I mean, furiously slamming their hands together to produce a sharp percussive sound, magnified by the number of participants (potentially over 200) and Grand Moff Lou’s cement lining. If I tell you that the sound inside the Peach Tree Hotel Plaza Tower Hotel Thing was loud, it would likely be an understatement.

The sound of clapping rolled back and forth, up and down the interior of that mausoleum, getting louder and louder. I was initially afraid that the organizers of the steamboat/pirate function would be annoyed with the riot that I had accidentally incited, then I began to worry about a repeat of the Tacoma Narrows incident in which our fly-over platform would be torn to pieces by modulated sound waves.

Since I had no other choice I did the only thing a smart space pirate would do: I turned and ran the rest of the way up the spiral staircase and out of sight of the mob below until the clapping stopped.

The doors to the balcony? All locked.

Five minutes later I slinked back down the spiral staircase, ready to retreat back outside for awhile… but as soon as I stepped foot back down on the main floor of the ballroom one of the gate keepers stepped over and took me firmly by the elbow to guide me inside.

I had (apparently) been able to get their attention inside, after all.

—
The rest of the story is uneventful. I had rum, drank beer, patted ladies bottoms, annoyed people with my remarks upon the wisdom of a band opening a social event with a deafening drum solo followed by a second even-more-deafening drum solo. But the highlight of the evening was making the acquaintance of the main steamboat feller himself, Mister William Thorson MacLeod, who graciously allowed me to make an announcement about PiratePalooza upon his stage, for which I shall ever be grateful.

Sirrah, I do hope that your spider** convention be a massive success, filled with rum and much clapping!!

This story was delayed by sloth, but I do hope you found it to your liking.

Your pal,
Captain Drew
…

* no note on the word “beed”, actually, this were just to satisfy them English teachers amongst you.

** the Captain doesn’t apparently know the proper definition of the prefix “Anachro”

Now be the time for all you scurvy seadogs to rise to action and pay me heed! You see, my dear scoundrels, those minstrels what tend by the appellation “Three Quarter Ale” be in deadly, earnest combat against overwhelming odds against an army of land lubbers and they need YOUR HELP in winning the Georgia Lottery’s All Access Music Search tomorrow! So what do you need to do? Keep reading!!!

Who Are These “Three Quarter Ale” People & Why Should I Care?
Three Quarter Ale (visit their official website) be a Ren-rock band based out of Atlantarrrr and one of Captain Drew’s all-time favorite bands, appearing as frequent guests at his annual Official PiratePalooza Pubcrawl & Pubsing.

But, even if you hate Renaissance Festivals, party city pirates, and any song with “Hey Nonny Nonny” in it, you need to know that these 3 singers also be Great Big Nerds. They’ve been frequent guests at all sorts of nerd-flavored events (like Dragon*Con) and they absolutely love all things Geek because they ARE Geeks. If you’re tired of the same old recycled rock genres you should help rally all your comicbook reading, Josh Whedon worshipping, World of Warcraft playing, Han Shot First protesting nerd friends to pass this note along so that we can loft TQA into the national spotlight!

So How Do We Vote?
Voting begins tomorrow at Noon, Eastern Standard Time, at the official Georgia Lottery All Access Music Search website [link to official voting site]. If every one of you geeks reading this will vote and pass it along we can help them win!! Share this link on your Facebook, on your LiveJournal, on your Twitter, on your arsecheeks… whatever works in your end of the seven seas. Just do it, nerd, and tell your nerd friends. Check back with them later to make sure they voted!

Here be video of Three Quarter Ale on the Georgia Lottery stage…

Here be video of yours truly, Captain Drew, locked in mortal combat with Wicked Pete Speakeasy….

Tis sunup on the morning of our invasion of the unsuspecting port of Decatarrrr and to make sure that you don’t go invading the wrong town we’ve gathered together all the links and last minute information you’ll need to make this year’s Official PiratePalooza™ Pubcrawl & Pubsing (as reported by Ann Hoevel of CNN) the best you’ve evarrr seen (with your good eye that is).

The 5 W’s

Everything you need to know about today’s events can be found under the “Pubcrawl” button in the main navigation window (click here to go there now). This information includes the timetable of our route with the full addresses and links to all the pubs on that route for those of you sad plonkers what must navigate with them little GPS boxes. Also available is an interactive Google Map of PiratePalooza 2010. Please tip your servers!

Social Media

Feel free to check in at all our locations and follow @PiratePalooza on Twitter! Use the hashtag #piratepalooza when you tweet!

Arm Yourself!!

We’re pleased to confirm that Captain Matt and his sexy crew from The Pirate Ship at the Georgia Renaissance Festival will be joining us once again this year with a table full of pirate goodies and as it’s so near the end of the year Captain Matt has announced (most unexpectedly) that he’s having a BLOW OUT SALE with up to 40% off of his “booty”!! We encourage you to trade up from that plastic sword to something a bit sexier! (please respect our rule of no naked steel, all weapons at PiratePalooza must be peace-tied)

Special Deal on AnachroCon Pre-Registration!

We’re very pleased to announce that AnachroCon, Atlanta’s best (and only) convention dedicated to alternative history and the Steampunk Movement, will be conducting pre-registration for their 2011 convention at this year’s PiratePalooza and they honor us by offering one third off the normal registration fee! Stop by the AnachroCon table during the Pubsing at the James Joyce from 7pm to 10pm to take advantage of this special offer! Tell ‘em Captain Drew sent you for a special poke in the eye!

Don’t Drive Drunk

Did you know that the amount of alcohol in your bloodstream reaches its peak 30 to 45 minutes after consuming a drink? As great as you may be at packing away the rum and scurrying up the rigging, pirates have no business behind the wheel of a horseless carriage after they’ve been drinking. Please, please, please read our thoughts on drinking and driving. Police your group, take away keys if your friends are drunk, talk to the bar – they’ll arrange a ride for you. Take a nap in your car (but do not put the keys in the ignition). But do not drive home drunk! We want to see you next year!

Seven years ago PiratePalooza was first conceived as an end of summer concert for mariners of the borrowing sort and that founding idea remains as dear to our thieving hearts as it ever was! This year we be proud to announce four fantastic bands of minstrels what have agreed to bring their songs to you scurvy lot at the Official PiratePalooza™ Pubsing at the James Joyce Tavern in Avondale Estates!

The Men of Melody

The Men of Melody (or “MoM” as some say) were quite well received at the 2010 Georgia Renaissance Festival and we be right happy to bring them to you festering dogs for PiratePalooza! This kilted duo features Michael “Easy Eyes” on the guitar and Edward the Redbeard on the Bodhran and whistles. Find out more about “MoM” on their Facebook page!

The Tenpenny Travelers

The Tenpenny Travelers have become popular regulars with the Palooza fans and we all look forward to their sprightly harmonies and songs of the sea! During last year’s 5th Anniversary PiratePalooza Pubcrawl the minstrels from Tenpenny surprised our pirate hordes by providing live music for our dance off with the ghost of The Commodore despite the blustery gale that dogged our journey. We’re happy to announce that the Travelers (Mike Quigley, Ariel Stewart, Tara Maurer and Meredith “Merry” Peterson) are planning to join us for the dance again this year! For more information visit the Tenpenny Travelers website!

The Lost Boys

The Lost Boys are a legend in these parts, surrounded by teal wherever they travel… their fans will make sure of that! The Lost Boys have been with PiratePalooza since the early days and we’re always excited to hear them take the stage with their high energy songs and fan-friendly sound! Be prepared to leave the Palooza as a member of Teal Nation and be sure to visit the Lost Boys’ website for more!

Wine Woman & Song

Led by Naughty Nellie Peachbottom, the group Wine Woman & Song is famous for its large library of music and for its long run of appearances at the Georgia Renaissance Festival in the 1990s. Comprised of Wine (Concord Grapellwyn) Woman (Naughty Nellie) and Song (Renwick Sangster), you’ll have a rollicking bloody fantastic time listening to these classic musicians!

We hope to have a few surprise appearances by fan favorites, but more we cannot say (nor promise) at this time!

One of the most time-honored traditions of the one and only Official PiratePalooza™ Pubcrawl is when our band of pirates gather upon the cobbles of the MARTA plaza in order to taunt the ghost of The Commodore (better known to lubbers as Commodore Stephen Decatur) with a special pirate version of the Virginia Reel. We will be led once again by that besotted master of dance, Israel Hand – who in “real life” has worked as a choreographer to actors on the popular television “The Vampire Diaries”, starred in last year’s internet hit “The Beach Police”, and has performed at Stately Oaks and The Georgia Independence Day Festicle!

Mister Hand will be available for autographs following the dance and states that he will “provides lap dances to them lassies what cross me palm with silver”. Please note that city regulations discourage the consumption of raw meat and lap dances from fetid pirates. Proceed at your own risk, poppet.

The limited edition 2010 “MMX Skull” PiratePalooza shirts are on their way here in chestnut and pretty pink and once they’re gone they are GONE matey, so be sure to buy yours this coming Saturday night at the Official PiratePalooza 6 Pubsing at the scurvylicious James Joyce Pub in Avondale Estates!!! For those who have been asking, last year’s Fifth Anniversary adult-style T-shirt was a total sell-out the night of PiratePalooza though we do have limited supplies of the ladies style “Talk to the Hand” shirt remaining. We also have limited supplies of shirts from the last two Paloozas available, all shirts (new and old) priced at $15. Be seeing you! (with our good eye)

In 6 days the streets of Decatarrrr, Georgia, will run red with rum and beer (and maybe a little sweet tea) as the Sixth Annual Official PiratePalooza Pubcrawl & Pubsing pulls into harbor! Come and join Captain Drew and his motley band of pirate pals on Saturday, Septembarrrr the 18th as they bear down upon the unsuspecting pubs of Decatarrr and face down the ghost of the town’s namesake : Commodore Stephen Decatarrrr. Keep a weather eye turned to our pubcrawl tab and follow Captain Drew on Twitarrrr for more information! {our apologies about this update, our computarrrr’s rrrrrrrrr key is a litle sticky. With BLOOD!!! (kool-aid, actually)}

Whilst on vacation in the glades of Florida our pal Jack “Jumpstreet” Sparrow took the time to record a very nice travelogue about his itinerary. So. Do you think he’s looking a little paunchy? Yeah? Yeah. Us too, but we didn’t say anything about it at the time. You know. Umm…. yeah… video after the cut!

Pirates of the Caribbean 4 Trailer
Uploaded by teasertrailer. – Watch feature films and entire TV shows.

Captain Drew, on his eternal quest for revenge against the Beach Boys, recently signed up for a Memorial Day weekend cruise to Aruba, Jamaica, Bermuda and Bahama, with a stopover in 16th century England where he happened to catch a most unlikely encounter between King Henry VIII and Le Roi, the time-traveling Sun King, better known as Louis XIV of France. What a load of commas.

After a hard night of buccaneering around Tybee Island, our old mate Tommy likes to turn up the Victrola and entertain his shipmates and ship’s wenches with a bit of burlesque. You may know Tommy from such reels as the Virginia and the Corner. His favorite color is rum and his favorite film is “Get Out of My Bloody Way, I Need to Have a Slash”. Filmed in glorious PiratePaloozavision.

When you’re a busy space pirate you always run the risk of being disenfranchised from local politics due to your frequent absences from the planet, which is why it’s so vitally important to mail in your census information to the Kingdom (so that you may be better taxed). Fortunately, the King has been thoughtful enough to send ’round his own Tax Collector to gather census information from those too busy (or illiterate) to fill out the proper paperwork. Here you’ll see him interviewing Captain Drew for the 1534 census!

Is Captain Drew working on bringing the Android operating system to the next version of his fabled rPhone? Tipsters have pointed us to this intriguing video of a video game featuring Captain Drew battling his arch enemies, the Cardboard Troopers. Let us know if you hear of anything else!

Last weekend Captain Drew traveled down to Tybee Island, Georgia, to observe the League of the Black Flag in action at the 5th Annual Tybee Island Pirate Fest… not to brag but PiratePalooza enjoyed its 5th Annual festival well before those silly beach folk! ;P

Black Flagger Israel Hand discovered that the Tybee Beach Police do not allow sleeping in the sand…. why not learn along with him?