Whilst on vacation in the glades of Florida our pal Jack “Jumpstreet” Sparrow took the time to record a very nice travelogue about his itinerary. So. Do you think he’s looking a little paunchy? Yeah? Yeah. Us too, but we didn’t say anything about it at the time. You know. Umm…. yeah. Okay.

Captain Drew, on his eternal quest for revenge against the Beach Boys, recently signed up for a Memorial Day weekend cruise to Aruba, Jamaica, Bermuda and Bahama, with a stopover in 16th century England where he happened to catch a most unlikely encounter between King Henry VIII and Le Roi, the time-traveling Sun King, better known as Louis XIV of France. What a load of commas.

After a hard night of buccaneering around Tybee Island, our old mate Tommy likes to turn up the Victrola and entertain his shipmates and ship’s wenches with a bit of burlesque. You may know Tommy from such reels as the Virginia and the Corner. His favorite color is rum and his favorite film is “Get Out of My Bloody Way, I Need to Have a Slash”. Filmed in glorious PiratePaloozavision.

When you’re a busy space pirate you always run the risk of being disenfranchised from local politics due to your frequent absences from the planet, which is why it’s so vitally important to mail in your census information to the Kingdom (so that you may be better taxed). Fortunately, the King has been thoughtful enough to send ’round his own Tax Collector to gather census information from those too busy (or illiterate) to fill out the proper paperwork. Here you’ll see him interviewing Captain Drew for the 1534 census!

Is Captain Drew working on bringing the Android operating system to the next version of his fabled rPhone? Tipsters have pointed us to this intriguing video of a video game featuring Captain Drew battling his arch enemies, the Cardboard Troopers. Let us know if you hear of anything else!

Last weekend Captain Drew traveled down to Tybee Island, Georgia, to observe the League of the Black Flag in action at the 5th Annual Tybee Island Pirate Fest… not to brag but PiratePalooza enjoyed its 5th Annual festival well before those silly beach folk! ;P

Black Flagger Israel Hand discovered that the Tybee Beach Police do not allow sleeping in the sand…. why not learn along with him?

Our strange little collector friend Arthur has posted one of the few surviving video records of the infamous monsoon-like PiratePalooza 2009. Shot by Rusty Anchor in Yarr-a-Vision, this video captures the splendor of the pirates as they dance their pirate reel under Decatarrr’s shrine to Commodore Stephen Decatur.

In the early hours of the afternoon the first wave of invaders infiltrated Fort Twain and gave it a right good thumping before clambering up the Church Street, turning west at Ponce De Leon’s fountain of ale, and marching up toward the Belgian’s Storehouse of Bricks.

After overwhelming those besotted Belgians the pirates celebrated by drinking up all the good ale, the bad ale, and 32 plastic containers filled with a bright pink cleaning product….

…fueled by this success they roared down to the main square to attack the town’s shrine to Commodore Stephen Decatur….

…and to dance a Pirate Reel ‘pon his grave….

The Commodore’s ghost must have been filled with great fury, for the ground shook and rumbled as if Jorungard’s Worm itself had come to life in the ground ‘neath their feet….

…so the pirate horde ran straightaway to hide in Mister Eddie’s Attic (pirates don’t know about MARTA).

As pirates are long of desire and short of memory, they were soon dancing up a jig to the songs of Tenpenny Traveler and drinking all of Mr. Eddie’s good rum and ale….

When the rum was all gone they set forth once again toward their final stop: Port Joyce. The Atlanta Pirates and Wenches Guild arrived first, tying up their ship for all to see at the head of the harbor to Port Joyce…

…. certainly an invitation and a warning for the jubilee to come.

And what a jubilee!!

The 5th Annual PiratePalooza Pubsing was LEGENDARY and certainly left Port Joyce in more disarray than if it had been in the path of a hurricane. If you were there you realize how that night could never be repeated, if you weren’t there you’ll soon be lying and telling others that you were. It were that fine a time. And so now we extend our thanks to those who made The Official 5th Anniversary PiratePalooza™ Pubcrawl and Pubsing such a ringing success to the drunken pirates in attendance!!

The Pubs
Thanks to Fort Twain, The Belgian’s Brick Storehouse, Mr. Eddie (and his Attic), and to Port Joyce; you were all kind and submissive hostages and your ales and victuals were the finest we’ve poached yet! Your indentured waitstaff were energetic, well-kept, free of lice, and we hope that our hordes did tip them well enough to eventually buy their way to freedom.

The Minstrels
Thanks to you for your rousing tales of the sea, of treasure, of plunder, and of treachery, sweet, sweet treachery. You were: Joni Minstrel, The Brigadoon Bombshells, Tenpenny Traveler, The Lost Boys, Syrens of the South, Half-Pint (a subsidiary of Three Quarter Ale), and Wine, Woman & Song.

The Dancers
Thanks to Israel Hand of The League of the Black Flag for calling the Pirate’s Reel at the shrine to Commodore Stephen Decatur, to Tenpenny Traveler for providing the lively stepping beat, and the dancers themselves. It was a joy to have it succeed despite the monsoon!

The Atlanta Pirates and Wenches Guild
Thanks to you for docking Meass Bedragon at Port Joyce for all to see, she’s beauty and your fine crew have taken good care of that rickety ride ;)

The League of the Black Flag
To Foe and Bob and Tommy and all the fine folk of TLOTBF for giving PiratePalooza a grand shout at their Pirate Party at Dragon*Con!

The Pirateship(.com)
Thanks to Captain Matt and his gorgeous crew (how does he do that?) for making sure that our horde remains armed with the latest in edged weaponry and those handheld blunder-type busses what seem all the rage these days.

The Volunteers
A very special thanks to our Pub Liaison Tracy Wilson for making sure the minstrels were fed and watered, and that the Captain was square with the pub. Additional thanks to the cinematic crew what plied the crowd with PiratePalooza T-shirts; every 2009 Adult T was sold out!!! We continue to have a good supply of 2009 ladies shirts, and a limited stock of shirts from 2005, 2006, 2007, and 2008. Contact us if you’d like to check a size and order one ($15 plus shipping).

The Tent Makers
Scurvy Pete and his comely wench Curvy were an unexpected bonus, and the tent they brought with them made PiratePalooza 2009 the success it was!! Thank them whenever you see them, but careful, they’re a dangerous duo!!

The Pirates
And finally, how could it have been Captain Drew’s Official PiratePalooza™ without you lice-infested, rum-swilling seadogs? Thank you most of all for braving the heart of a monsoon for that special event what only comes once a year!! We look forward to hearing the pitter-clack, pitter-clack of you peg-legged bastards this time next year!!

The next time Captain Drew warns that a storm is coming you might well pay heed – The Legend of the Cursed Hand is something never to be ignored, never to be forgotten.

And so for now, the PiratePalooza is done…. for the voyage is done and the winds do blow, and it’s time for us to leave her… until this time next year, CAST OFF!!!

…
Photos courtesy of Anita Sims, The League of the Black Flag, and Captain Drew

Some final tips for you green lubbers before we set sail today:

Memorize the Route
Twain’s, Brick Store, Eddie’s Attic, James Joyce. Print a copy of the Google Map!

Twitter
Captain Drew will be Twittering the Pubcrawl this year, follow along at: twitter.com/piratepalooza

Hydrate!
Being a sloppy drunk makes you of little use to us when it comes to a fight, or settling our check. With water, water everywhere, make sure you take a drink. Alternate water with your rum, grog, ale, porter, whiskey and/or gin. And maybe eat a little food. You’re looking thin.

Designate Drivers
Water and oil and alcohol is a deadly mix. Never drive if you’ve been drinking, and in the midst of this gale it’s even more important that you take care.

Buy a Shirt!
You’ll want proof that you were at the Palooza, $15 is a cheap alibi! Note that we have a limited selection of PiratePalooza shirts from previous years. Once they’re gone, they’re gone!

Peace Binding Required
All blades must be secured: no naked steel allowed. Wire ties are available at the T-shirt tent, be sure to help those that don’t know this rule to get their blade peace-bound.

Special Dinner Deal
In the days when the Palooza used to roam farther to the West, we would dock at Nathalie’s Fish House to gorge ourselves on shrimp and oysters. Though our crawl won’t stray that way this year, we do want you to know that Nathalie and her crew will have specials in celebration of International Talk LIke a Pirate Day. On the table will be Conch Fritters, Buccanner Ceviche, Flaming New Orleans Barbecued Shrimp, Oyster Loaf, Seafaring Gumbo, Southseas Swordfish Steak, and some delicious desserts to boot! Try their pirate drink specials too, and tell them that Captain Drew sent you!

For the third year in a row Captain Drew has gotten the “Look at My Bouncy Corset Virus” on his personal computational device, and for the umpteenth time in the history of computers upon the face of this planet Onyx Consulting has ridded him of that pesky problem ( a problem which salves and ointments could never sooth). But that’s not the only endorsement the Captain will give for Onyx Consulting (which has two convenient locations, one off of Northcrest Road in North Atlanta, the other right off the square in Decatur, near the McDonald’s restaurant).

Onyx Consulting be just the sort of firm what merchants call in when they be tired of dealing with pimply-faced adolescents full of attitude, dude. Onyx is a low-key, boring-as-rocks type of crew that any computer-afflicted swabby wants working on their blinky box of flashing lights. Not only is Onyx filled to the brim with Microsoft-certified technicians, they’re also an “Apple Authorized Service Center Plus” as well as an “Apple Authorized Reseller” (dealer) and they’re the only place that Captain Drew buys his fruit-oriented computing mech, and they’re the only ones who (often) repair those computers after the Captain has a few particularly vicious battles with Mr. Google.

And it gets even better.

Onyx Consulting has started the Onyx Consulting Foundation, which raises money for a tremendous cause! Here be their mission statement:

So, by purchasing some of their lovingly restored computer equipment, you can help the DeKalb Rape Crisis Center, a wonderful cause indeed.

Lubbers from all over town are talking about Onyx Consulting, from data recovery to network installation to making sure that your pretty little Mac or PC is working properly, call upon Onyx Consulting today… tell them Captain Drew sent you!!

Do you see that map up there, Jim m’lad? That be a map to the Holiday Inn Conference Center in the heaaaaarrrrrrt of Decatarrrrr, and that be where YOU should be planning on spending the night if you have had more than three nipperkins of ale, rum or grog during the course of the Palooza. The last thing anyone needs is to hear that you’ve stolen a haywagon and had a romp off through the countryside, endangering man and beast, wench and baby, in the dead of night… and the last thing that you need Jim m’lad, is to have the Queen’s own Black Torrent Guard shoving a sharp-stick-alyzer up your never-you-mind.

What we’re trying to say is, designate a sailor in your group to make sure that you all get back to your home port without risking your life or the life of any of the lubbers what abide in these parts.

Solutions for Sailing Home Safely

1. Get a Room : The Holiday Inn Express is only a block away from the parade route. Watch my PiratePalooza™ movies in your room while you sober up. Maybe you’ll score with that little hottie what’s had her eye on you all night… you know, after you sober up.
2. Designated Driver : surely someone loves you enough to stay sober and get you home in one piece? Let them.
3. Take a Taxi : Checker Taxi (404) 351-1111
   Decatur’s Best (404) 289-6603
   print these numbers out and be ready to use them.
4. Be a Designated Drunk-Spotter : Be on the lookout for drunks who may be leaving alone. Stop them. Help find a safe way of getting them home and save a life tonight, Elton. Click on the badge below for a larger version that you can cut out and pin to your shirt so we’ll know to salute you at the pubsing!



5. Don’t Use Mayberry Logic : No Barney, it doesn’t matter how much coffee you drink… it’s not going to sober you up. That alcohol has to be processed by your liver and other interior organettas. If you’ve been drinking at a moderate rate simply switch to water or sodas a couple of hours before you plan to leave. Note that some of these bars and restaurants serve “high gravity” beers which are more powerful than your normal pint. One of them is enough to push you into the territory of legal intoxication, so be sure to ask your bartender the alcohol content of the ale you’re sipping.

(For those unfamiliar with our tale, the 5th Anniversary PiratePalooza™ T-shirts celebrate the Legend of PiratePalooza, a portion of which has been republished below. These shirts will come in Ocean Depth Black adult T’s and Heart of Darkness Coal for the ladies. All shirts are $15. Limited supplies. Available at the James Joyce during the Pub Sing. Cash only.)

As stormclouds drew tight their net over the port of Decatur, old folks shuttered their doors and withdrew to the relative safety of their cottages. Outside, new mothers scooped up their children and scurried them along the old Church street in anticipation of the gathering tempest. When one young lad wrestled free of his mother’s grip she shouted for her husband’s help. Wasting no time the man snatched the child up short and growled “Listen to your Ma now, get along home!”.

“But Pa,” whined the lad, “why do they all bolt their doors? Why are they a-feared of the storm?”

“It ain’t the weather they be feared of, boy. It be the Palooza. It’s coming for us now son, just as sure as the Devil does come for your soul.”

A low rumble of thunder groaned into the gusting wind as the last of the natural light fell away and of a sudden the boy felt the shuddering of a ghost walking ‘cross his grave. He didn’t question the fear he saw etched into his father’s eyes.

“Now RUN!! Run like Lucifer himself was on your heel!”

As if on cue, the rain erupted in blinding sheets and Tommy found himself running toward his home as fast as his little legs could carry him.

Meanwhile, out toward Cliff’s Edge, a pallid white limb scrabbled for purchase… something was come up from the sea… something unnatural, something surely not of this world… and then, the lightning crowned like all the electric forges of Hell and a ghostly white arm clawed toward the heavens…. and THERE!! just THERE… inscribed ‘pon its grasping claw was the double-gee’d letter P’s what marks the dreaded PiratePalooza…

Captain Drew and his accursed pirate horde had returned once more to Decatur.

Run, run, run away home.

The pirates are come to get you, boy.

…

We be swamped with emails and comments asking for information on the pubcrawl route for this year so we’re going to go ahead and publish our planned course now to give you enough time to find sitters for your knee-biters. (Please be aware that we only approached Bob and Eddie of Eddie’s Attic LAST NIGHT about adding them to our pubcrawl route, so they’re in the middle of checking to see if they can make it happen… for the time being we are showing them as a “tentative” on our map. If it turns out they’re unable to take us in that night please don’t blame Mister Eddie’s Attic, just turn back around and dance your way back to the Brick Store! )

Check out the full pubcrawl schedule after the cut!

The Gathering (1:30pm – 2:30pm)
This year we’ll slip in, by ones and by twos, to this beer-soaked din of parlour games, this gin-stained shrine to American folklore, where we’ll plot and plan our attack on the unsuspecting city of Decatarrrr.

Legge the Firste (2:30pm – 2:45pm)
We depart Mr. Twain’s riverboat and take to the streets of Decatarrrr to let the townsfolk know that we are come to drink their ale! We strike quickly, hot and fast! Streaking across the soft eastern underbelly of this parochial town we stroll down the high street and around the corner toward the legendary Belgium Bar, secreted in the attic of the Brick Store. As if we couldn’t figure out where they’d hidden it….

The Brick Store (2:45pm – 4:00pm)
Once we arrive here at the Brick Store we’ll threaten their crew with gold and paper and plastic cards full of numbers, in exchange for high gravity Belgian beers and tasty delectables from their kitchen. Tip your servers well, but make sure they know how close they came to danger this day by growling at them!! (restrooms under the stairs toward the kitchen)

Legge the Seconde (4:00pm – 4:05pm)
Once we’ve taken the Brick Store and secured all her tasty kegs of European beer we’ll shuffle over to the scenic Stephen Decatarrrr plaza.

Stephen Decatur Plaza (4:05pm – 4:30pm)
We’ll gather here at the bust of Commodore Stephen Decatur to celebrate the taking of this inland port, dedicated to this ferocious enemy of pirates everywhere. We’ll perambulate up and down like cocks of the walk, to drive home the point that Decatarrrr has fallen well and truly under our power… and to also allow the townsfolk to have their photos taken with us, if they be daring enough. To all you pirates what be from Virginia, this might be a reeely, reeely good place to be around this time, if you catch our drift…. be sure to talk to people in your pirate network for details!!

TENTATIVE!! – Legge the Thirde (4:30pm – 4:35pm)
We escape the pirate-hating ghost of Commodore Stephen Decatur and take to the streets again, this time looking for a port to take us in to let us lick our wounds… and perhaps some limes… surrounded by a copious amount of Tequila….

TENTATIVE!! – Eddie’s Attic (4:35pm – 6:00pm)
After our celebration in the square, any pirate worth his salt will be on the lookout for more rum and ale and pirate grog, so up the stairs to Mister Eddie’s Attic we’ll climb, to slake our thirst… and to listen to songs by Tenpenny Traveler as we consider the last, and longest, leg of our journey…. the route to that pirate conclave known as PiratePalooza™!!!

Legge the Fourth (6:00pm – 6:15pm)
Now, take to your longboats and row hard for Avondale Estates!! We’ll meet you at the James Joyce Irish Pub!!

5th Annual PiratePalooza™ Pub Sing (6:30pm – 10pm)
his be it… the culmination of our raid on Decatarrrr… the place where we divvy our loot and sing of our adventures along with:

The Brigadoon Bombshells
Tenpenny Traveler
Joni Minstrel
The Lost Boys
Syrens of the South
Three Quarter Ale
Wine Woman & Song

The James Joyce Irish Pub has a spectacular menu and a crew of friendly cabin boys and girls to make sure your jar is never empty, and your belly always full.

We’ve kept it secret for as long as we could, but with less than a week before the Palooza, it’s time to announce the entertainment line-up for the 5th Annual PiratePalooza Pub Sing, scheduled to begin at 6:30pm, Saturday, September 19th, at the James Joyce Pub in Avondale Estates, Georgia.

The Brigadoon Bombshells – the evening’s entertainment will begin with this harmonious group of wenches with dangerous curves and hoppin’ harmonies!

Tenpenny Traveler – a stockpot full of sea chanties and authentic sailing songs will have your toes a-tapping!

Joni Minstrel – a legendary protest singer who’s always causing problems wherever she goes. No doubt she’ll be plotting a mutiny of this year’s Palooza if we’re not careful!

Syrens of the South – a wiggly, jiggly bunch of burlesque wenches to tempt you sea dogs what have been sailing too long.

The Lost Boys – these kilted lads in teal do make the women squeal, and it’s rumored that they invented Rock music.

Three Quarter Ale – straight from the Georgia Renaissance Festival, we are likely to experience this popular trio as a duo this year, as it’s rumored that Wicked Pete Speakeasy is afraid that Captain Drew will challenge him to another game of Salt Slug Foot.

Wine, Woman & Song – this group, led by your Pub Mistress Naughty Nellie Peachbottom, performs some great traditionals and will lead you into the final Pub Sing at the end of the night. Don’t miss it!

(photo credits: Syrens of the South by Jilly McJillerson, Tenpenny Travelers by Tenpenny Travelers, Brigadoon Bombshells by Brigadoon Bombshells, all others by Michael Aident)

…

This survey shouldn’t take you longer than two minutes to fill out, and oh by golly is it ever so much FUN!!!

Okay, it might not be fun, but life’s not always about fun, you scurvy dogs. Now Click It and get to being surveyed!!!

GARRRR…..

BREAKING NEWS – Today Captain Drew announced in a press conference at PiratePalooza’s corporate headquarters that he will be teaming with the internet giant Google in a effort to increase awareness of Google’s newest service “Google Voice” and to spur adoption of Captain Drew’s steam-powered rPhone™. Visitors to PiratePalooza.com will now be able to leave messages for the Captain via a handy Google Voice widget in the site’s sidebar, directly below an advertisement for the Captain’s rPhone™ (as featured in the infamous YouTube video “Dairy Wench”).

In what has been described as “the most confrontational press conference since Steve Jobs threw a camera at an intern” Captain Drew rambled for 35 minutes before relieving himself off the front of the stage into a trendy messenger bag carried by one of the reporters. In a fleeting moment of clarity the Captain explained:

“Well I heard tell that there be this incredible [unintelligible] net thing… and that this here Gooble bunch think that they know how to make money from this net [unintelligible] so I aims to get my [expletive] hands on their Gooble booty before any other deck sprawlers lay wind of it. Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble Gooble…..”

The Captain’s speech went on for another 8 minutes before he curled up underneath the lectern and went to sleep.

A technology reporter from WIRED magazine was heard to say “Dudes… don’t expect Gooble to team with Captain Drew anytime soon on [their next product] ‘Google Wave‘… hey, did somebody spill a drink on my bag??”

…

Fresh from his capture by multi-armed robots, Captain Drew reports to us that the Lost Boys unleashed their 3rd Annual Fan Celebration Concert to a standing room only audience this past Saturday at Push Push Theater. This unwieldy concert footage provides a balcony view of their performance of Tommy Makem’s toe-tapping, fiddle-centric song “Rambles of Spring”. For more information on the Lost Boys’ schedule tune to TheLostBoysOnline.com!

This past weekend Wicked Pete Speakeasy caught Captain Drew loitering in New Castle, leading to a nasty game of Salt, Slug, Foot between the two. Fortunately for you, it was captured on magnetic media.

While interest in piracy has skyrocketed in the last five years, the traditional pirate challenge game “Salt Slug Foot” was nearly lost to history until marine archaeologists working at the Walter Elias Marine Conservatory in Beaufort, South Carolina, raised the remains of what is believed to be the dreaded pirate ship “Farquand’s Glory” and rediscovered the original rules for the game. Though the ship contained no treasure, and much of the iron hardware had rusted away, a series of carvings was found in what is believed to have been the crew quarters belowdecks.

Shown above is a marine archaeologist’s recreation of the original art, which depicted a shaker of salt, a slug, and a foot. (Note: this is an illustration of the original artwork, not a photo of the actual carving, which was deemed too photosensitive for flash photography, or detailed observation by trained professionals)

Nonetheless, coordinating with their peers at Edam’s Underwater Exploratory College of Literature, the team was able to track the carved symbols to an account buried in a private collection, outlining the rules of this game, which was transcribed as “Salte, Flugge, Foote” (a ridiculously antiquated spelling of Salt, Slug, Foot).

It has been suggested that this game might have been used as a challenge between pirates, who were largely uneducated and grew quite bored during long months spent at sea.

The rules, in their original English:

Salte
“Salte is a cawstic substance which art moste fynne for killing flugges and making foode taste goode, yet a cask of salte may best be crushed by an booted foote upon the decke”

Flugge
“An flugge is an wicked beastie of ichor which may cling undesirably to an foote, for to make a man cry aloud as if seized by demons, yet all do know that the lowly flugge may be stopped by an cask of salte which dost make it scriven into an crinkle”

Foote
“While the foote is unprotected from affault by the devious and gruesomme flugge, it is rightly shaped apurpose for sundering an cask of salte”

Key Research Scientist Gary Flobbanov asserts that “Salt, Slug, Foot” is likely to become immensely popular among modern pirates, saying “Just wait and see, Jim m’lad.”

…

Ah!! And also, whenever I’m on the seamy lefthand side of Terra I sometimes listen to a group of bipeds what calls themselves “The Regular Guys“. They talk about poop, and breasts, and other simple pleasures of the pirate life, like inbreeding and rutting. In a fit of extreme boredom last week I dashed off an electronic letter to Lawrence, Captain of the Regular Guys, and today (or a day very much like today) that letter was read aloud over the wireless, much to my delight.

Famed space pirate Captain Drew and his esteemed colleagues (giants in their own right) will share valuable tips and time-tested techniques of acquiring previously-owned ships and leveraging their former crews for financial gain. Why stay stuck in the same backwaters you’ve been plying for years when you could really step out there and make a name for yourself?

In this lecture series you will learn:

“Shopping 101 : Finding a Ship to Suit Your Hijacking Needs”
Ships are like haypenny wenches; they’re cheap, they come in different sizes, they’re in terrible disrepair, they leak more than a bit, and some smell worse than others. More to the point, not every ship you run into is going to be the right one for you to raid and mercilessly enslave the crew of…. so be picky! Ask around. Find out if they have relatives in the Navy, or clean underclothes.

“Hostage Management Techniques : Shouting”
Hostages can be pesky, annoying beasties, which is why you need some ground rules for dealing with them. Mostly, they need shouting at… good and loud. Learn the industry’s Best Practices for shouting at prisoners, both living and not living, wet and dry.. and why one of the aforementioned choices may actually be ineffective.

“Safety First!”
Recent events have shown that people claiming to be pirates may look silly and ineffective when shot through the head by trained military marksmen, which is why this mini-series has been broken into three breakout sessions will include:

• “Being Towed by the Navy: Pros and Cons”
• “Defensible Positions” (or “Why Dinghies are Dumb”)
• “Knowing When to Duck”

Remember: this is the year of pirates, ACT NOW!!!

7:25PM
They’re playing Coldplay over the loudspeaker system… large crowd of people… everyone seems to be in a good mood!!

7:26PM
Oh.
The chatty/happy people were leaving work for the day.

7:27PM
We’re the only ones here now.

7:28PM
We’ve been ushered into another room by one of the Captain’s crew.

7:29PM
We’re in a bathroom.

7:30PM
The press conference has started. The Captain is explaining his overall strategy to the large group (three) of assembled reporters (janitors) gathered around his podium (toilet stall).

7:31PM
The plan, as we understand it, is three-pronged.

7:32PM
Prong One of the plan, called “Video Prong”, involves the installation of a classic video arcade called “Captain Drew’s Poopdeck of Adventure” which will feature games which generally fit the theme of a Renaissance Faire.

7:34PM
An early list of these games has been quietly distributed to the largely spanish-speaking crowd of reporters (from underneath the wall of the Captain’s stall).

7:37PM
We’ve managed to get a copy of that handwritten list… as the guy in front of us called it “basura” and put it into a waste receptacle.

7:38PM
We have the list…

1. Joust
2. Double Dragon
3. Golden Axe
4. Gauntlet
5. Wizard of Wor
6. Anything with that Burgertime guy in it.
7. Bakuretsu Crash Race
8. Frogger
9. That game with a wizard guy drawn on the side of the box. You know the one.
10. Stargate Defender
11. Dragon’s Lair
12. Ms. Pac-Man (she’s hot!)

7:45PM
Prong Two of the plan will be called “Sneaky Time”… it’s to be a ‘whisper campaign’.

7:46PM
“Sneaky Time” will enlist the aid all of the Captain’s crew, pirates with whom he has good relations, women with “freely accessible breasts”, and anyone “generally inclined to questionable activities” to walk around the grounds of the Georgia Renaissance Festival and announce in a loud (but innocent) tone of voice: “Oh say Sally, Sally my dear, have you heard that Captain Drew now *owns* New Castle Town and has the finest toilets in all the land?”

7:48PM
The Captain is suggesting acceptable responses to this propaganda-esque set-up line….

“Oh well, YES I *have* and I think it quite marvelous indeed!”
“Forsooth, such great grand news I have not heard in a quibble’s froth!”
“Do thou sayest it verily and fo real?”
and,
“Who’s making the stever jobs NOW matey???”
“Would you please hand me some toilet paper, I seem to have ended this roll.”

7:49PM
Scratch those last two. :(

7:52PM
Prong Three of the plan is called “Bombs Away!”, and will involve the intentional and devastating sabotage of the park’s “most popular ride, namely: the toilets.”

The toilets??

7:54PM
At a predetermined time of the Captain’s choosing (4 o’clock), his crew will methodically begin blocking each and every one of the festival’s portable toilets with a largely indigestible chunk of Ye Olde Friede Cheese Logge from the food court.

7:55PM
The Captain has interrupted his own press conference to request that an assistant help him remember never to eat another chunk of an Ye Olde Friede Cheese Logge.

7:56PM
Press conference resumed. While blocking the toilets, the Captain’s men will simultaneously distribute broadsides which direct patrons to “Captain Drew’s Poopdeck of Adventure” where it will be revealed that the classic video game cabinets also contain chemical toilets, which may be used for $5 “a game”.

7:57PM
We get to ask a question: “How does this help you to take over the Georgia Renaissance Festival?”

7:58PM
Flush.

7:59PM
The press conference has just started breaking up, they’re playing Coldplay and the Captain has emerged and is refusing to answer questions from the assembled reporters, who are already spraying him with cleaning products. More on this story as is warranted (which, let’s face it, isn’t very likely).

Featuring samples of new music by Captain Dan and his Scurvy Crew (click here for more on Captain Dan’s music) and an eight minute runtime, you’re bound to see a few of your favorite pirate pals scrapin’ around the James Joyce Irish Pub. Try to name as many as you can!!

Thunder!! You could have knocked your old Captain down with a feather when a sexy, leggy lass tossed him a note tonight to let him know that Facebook.com now speaks proper English… pirate English that is. Tis sure and true enough! If you didn’t already know, clamber aboard your Facebook account, scroll all the way down to the keel (the bottom of the page, mate) and click ‘pon the pop-up box thingy what allows you to select your natural-born language from a list. Note that there now be one what be marked as “English(Pirate)”.

Just look for this bit:

G’head… give ‘er her a whirl Charlie, I’ve little doubt you’ll ever wants to go back… unless you be a filthy lubber what cries every time you watches “Sleepless in Seattle“.

Or “You’ve Got Mail” for that matter.

D’oh.