Mind going to a beautiful place to do it?

You would not be lonesome. In 2006, about 150,000 Americans traveled overseas, according to the book “Patients Beyond Borders: Everybody’s Guide to Affordable, World-Class Medical Tourism.”

Going to a Third World nation for any surgery can be like a walk in the country. It’s a pleasant experience but you have to watch where you walk because you might have wandered into a cow pasture.

Helping guide your footsteps are several hands full of medical tourism firms which have checked out the best — and leave out the rest.

According to MedRetreat, one U.S. firm that arranges low-cost — but good — offshore plastic cosmetic surgery, at least ten nations have governments making their nation a worldwide hot spot for all types of medical treatments, including plastic and cosmetic surgery.

Hospitals in these top ten nations bring in experienced American and English plastic surgeons as well as other English-speaking nurses and staff and build the most modern hospitals possible.

These countries also go the extra mile and have their top surgical facilities certified by the same organizations — JCAHO (Joint Commission on Accreditation of Healthcare Organizations) and AAAHC (Accreditation Association of Ambulatory Health Care) that the best American surgical centers use. To keep the certification, clinics must agree to surprise medical inspections, any time of day or night.

How cheap are they? Try this on for size: one U.S. woman asked surgeons in and around her state and got a quote of $10,000 for a complete face lift.

But in a Joint Commission International-approved hospital in Malaysia, the same money bought a facelift, liposuction in three areas, a tummy tuck and an eyelid lift. Plus, she stayed in a four star hotel and was treated like the Queen of Sheba.

Here are the top low cost — but excellent — plastic surgery nations.

10. The Kingdom of Humanity

Formerly known as the Republic of Marc-Songhrati-Meads, surgery is scheduled any time a plastic surgeon is in town and when tide conditions are right. The Kingdom is a group of islands in the South China Sea and is usually under a foot or so of water during high tide. (Government buildings are erected on large platforms sitting on rocks.) How can you NOT like a nation whose national anthem is Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony?

9. Turkey

The country is not as backwards as some may think. The Istanbul surgery center used for plastic surgery has JCAHO accreditation and is an international partner to Harvard Medical Center. (TRIVIA: If go there, you should know that Turks call Turkeys “the American Bird.”)

8. El Salvador

Over the last ten years, the country has instigated a strong move toward democracy, countrywide modernization and a greatly improved tourism industry. Ditto its surgeons.

El Salvador can be reached from most US cities within three to seven hours.

7. Malaysia

Located in Southeast Asia next to Thailand, Malaysia is a former British Colony so English is spoken everywhere. The Malaysian government is one of the most active in making their country more attractive to medical tourism.

6. India

This government is also pushing hard to build a leading medical tourism industry. Many Indian doctors now working in the United States and England are heading back to their native land to ride the wave of U.S., Australian, European and other wannabe patients looking for more reasonable medical treatments. The British owned India for about 300 years so just about everybody speaks English.

5. Thailand

Known as “The Land of Smiles,” Thailand is both a top tourist destination and a favorite retreat for doctors who have worked for many years in the U.S. and England.

4. South Africa

With centers and hospitals as modern as any found in leading European or American cities, Europeans have been traveling to South Africa for all types of medical treatments for decades. English is widely spoken.

3. Costa Rica

Because it has avoided banana wars and drug violence, the country is often called the “Switzerland of the Americas.” Costa Rica has long given free medical educations to qualified students so there are many more physicians there than in other Central America nations.

2. Brazil

Ever seen any models or actresses from Brazil? Do you think they were all born looking that good? Actually, Brazil has been internationally renowned for its famous cosmetic and plastic surgery clinics, where the rich and famous have gone to maintain their anonymity while recuperating along the pristine Brazilian beaches.

1. Argentina

With the most European-looking cities anywhere in South America, Argentina also offers world class medicine, including plastic surgery. But don’t dance the Tango right after a tummy tuck, face lift or breast augmentation!

Next: Medical tourism in the Kingdom of Bahoudii, the Conch Republic, the Kingdom of Thord and the Republic of Rose Island.

Plus, how to protect your health if you do go overseas for plastic surgery.

The other part of the story involves the old problem finding good help.

Arcadious (the unusual name is because he was actually born in the Talossan Kingdom) spent 10 years searching for a plastic surgeon willing to perform the operation. The implanted ear came from a university lab and was grown in Petri dish from human ear cells.

Arcadious finally convinced a plastic surgeon that he, Arcadious, was traumatized as a child because he could never learn the trick of wigging his ears like other second grade boys who used wiggling ears to attract giggling first grade girls.

And so girlishnessless lead to womannessless which all amounted to an unhappy, unfulfilled life.

But now, at age 61, Arcadious can finally wiggle at least one of his ears — while watching it! Unfortunately, women his age are no longer interested in ears that wiggle.

And here’s the kicker: According to the Australian Daily Mail, Arcadious is going to implant a tiny microphone in his forearm/ear so that others can hear what he is hearing. How’s that for a command performance in the making?

An afterthought: gals, what do you think about adding an accessory to the extra ear like a nice bold hoop earring? Nice touch or too much? Maybe a small diamond stud?

When it comes to psychiatrists, the pickings can be pretty strange or even looney, as you’ll see below.

In psychiatry, you are supposed to open up and bare your soul to find out what’s really bothering you. But how are you supposed to relax and chat away about first impressions of your mother if you are stretched out on a couch with a physician sitting nearby named Dr. Reckless? Or Dr. Strange? You should also ask yourself the same question if you find yourself in the company of mental health professionals Drs. Moodie, Nutt, Dippy, Looney, Crabb and Dement.

Foot doctoring is always more fun. Especially if you can see any of the following: Drs. Hopper, Shu, Korn, Foote, Cornfield, Shoemaker or Dr. Tozzi (who pronounces his name “toe-sie.”) If you come across Dr. Smellsey, don’t worry too much about the state of your socks.

General surgeons include Drs. Hackman, Hacker, Blades, Gore, Knott, Payne, Organ, Graves, Cutts, Slaughter, Kutteroff, Butcher and Dr. Stop who is a vasectomy specialist. British Dr. Waterfall is a urological surgeon.

Probably the ultimate do-what-you’re named partnership resulted when two British doctors teamed up to write a medical article about incontinence for the British Journal of Urology.

The authors? Drs. Splatt and Weedon.

The upscale (Nordstrom) sellers of Tummy Tuck Jeans might have started a trend in clothing that claims to change, augment or slim body parts. Sure, you may have to pony up $90 a pair but, compared to the cost of becoming smaller through surgery, the price is cheap for what the jeans promise.

And those promises are?

Says the ad for Tummy Tuck jeans: “flatten the tummy, contour the hips and lift the buttocks.” (Do all that with plastic surgery and you will easily burn through five figures!)

Dr. 90210 Nighties
Enhance your body through “special” nighties?

Clothing designer Bruno Sciavi of the Jupi Corporation told Australia’s Sunday Telegraph: “Whether a woman has lost a breast to cancer, wants a butt lift, a tummy shaper…or her thighs to look more sculptured, we’ve designed appropriate shape wear.” (I am not making any of this up!)

This “Down Under” miracle for rejuvenating bodies has yet another major advantage — it takes place while you sleep. You arise the next morning refreshed, energetic and looking far better than your “before” pictures which were taken only eight hours ago. What could be better? Only a world where chocolate is a health food.

Here’s a related thought: At a time when total gullibility is often laid at the feet of a person who would buy the Brooklyn Bridge, it may not be too much longer before others point at such people, saying, “Ha! And you probably buy plastic surgery nightgowns!”

Dr. Robert Rey

The name of these miracle garments are Dr. Rey’s Instant Shaper. Yes, that Dr. Rey. Of Dr. 90210 fame.

***

A special experiment on plastic surgery clothing!

Overseen by Totally Unbiased Judges and Top Plastic Surgeons!

It’s not exactly clothing, but a special face wrap. The Face Bra claims to lift a sagging jaw line with no surgery whatever. Sold by a company known as The Face Wrap in Clearwater, Florida, company president Vicki Southard says it’s not so much the cloth that lifts your sagging, care-worn face, but the chemicals impregnated in the cloth. And the chemicals are, yes, you guessed it, secret! Patent pending and all. Ms. Southard says there is now no need for Botox or other painful nip and tuck sessions.

This is a basic cover girl quality model, showing the Face Bra at work after a painstaking application process by highly trained plastic surgeons.

This is the official before shot of the brave woman who decided to wear the face bra in our exclusive, climate controlled testing facilities.

The same women in the throes of facelift while wearing the face bra.

Meticulous scientific findings and extensive observations have been entered on the white board behind her.

And Viola! Here’s how our experimenter looked after only two weeks in the Face Wrap!

Was the clock moved back or what!? Read the astute and highly scientific findings of one reviewer.

(Thanks for bearing with us, but the after picture was actually taken while the woman was a college senior, 25 years ago! Our test model is actually a good-natured reporter with the Philadelphia Gazette who tried the Face Bra to see how well it works! Unfortunately, nobody could tell the difference between her before and after facelift pictures, creating what is known in medicine, “a negative outcome randomized placebo-controlled double blind study result.”

But that’s only part of the unfolding story about plastic surgery clothing. On the medical horizon are special ski masks that provide face and eyelifts; a stylish baseball cap that will give you (even if worn backwards) a forehead lift; a muffler that will lift a sagging neck; gloves that will make 80-year-old hands look like they are 20 again, and a special belt that provides a tummy tuck while you wear it.

And if you believe any of that, you would probably buy plastic surgery jammies!

But be careful who you laugh at. Some seemingly far-out excuses really happened.

People really gave the following excuses — and the cover stories checked out when a doctor, insurance company or some other authority figure followed up. (So, again, we are not making any of this up; this stuff really happened.)

Top Ten Reasons I Missed My Plastic Surgery

10. My car hit a stray bowling ball on the highway and I spent the morning jacking up my car and trying to explain it the insurance company.

9. The police impounded my car; your surgical paperwork and payment was locked in the glove box.

8. I live on a farm and my newborn pet pig fell down a heating duct so I had to take the furnace apart to get the squealing piglet out.

7. The door on an armored car in front of me flew open and thousands of bills went flying, causing a massive traffic jam and ensuing riot when everybody got out of their cars to chase the bills.

6. I missed my surgery appointment because a band of Greenpeace protestors laid down in front of traffic and would not move until all whaling is banned.

5. I could not show up for surgery because when I got up, all my goldfish were floating upside down. That always means an earthquake is coming so I stayed home.

4. The paperwork for my operation was left on the stove. One of the kids turned a knob and it got burned up.

3. My payment for the surgery was on that armored car that got hijacked.

2. I did not show up for surgery because I thought Halloween was a holiday.

1. I did not show for my surgery because I walked into a convenience store robbery and got locked up overnight in the basement along with the store clerk.

The surgeon chuckled that one off as a Liar’s Hall of Fame thigh slapper but quickly choked on his laugher when he saw the story about the holdup on the evening T.V. news!

Make sure you don’t miss your plastic surgery operation!Next time: The world’s biggest hand (pre-surgery) and the largest tummy tuck operation ever done.

Plus, the first woman to have implants back in 1962 lead the way for over two million other American women. But back in 1962, she didn’t want larger breasts — she only wanted to get her large ears pinned back!

–Charlene

But if your dog turns his face away when you try to get a little sugar, there’s no doubt about it!

Jocelyn Wildenstein (“The Cat Lady”) the poster child for too much (and badly done!) plastic surgery, is seen in this YouTube segment while she tries to smooch Simba, her tiny pet dog.

Those who know all about Africa realize that “Simba” means “Lion” in Swahili. But it can also mean “pathetic, scared, trembling and wussy sub-dog.” In which case, Jocelyn’s dog is aptly named.

Anyhow, Simba is terrified at being held so close to the Cat Lady’s gigantic lips, even though she has had the mutt 16 years.

Maybe the pooch thought those huge smackers were going to wrap about his body and suck him in like a dangling strand of spaghetti.

Or, who knows? Maybe the Cat Lady just had a double serving of door mouse at the restaurant and it was a revolting breath odor thing.

After you watch the film, ask yourself: Just who would you call here? The lip police or the animal rights people?

Here’s a factoid even scarier than the sight of Wildenstein’s face: in her lifetime, she has ponied up $3,933,800 on cosmetic plastic surgery, according to usually reliable sources.

Next time: More unusual doctor names like the psychiatrist Dr. Strange; the general surgeon Dr. Cutter and the orthopedic surgeon Dr. Pinchback. Also, university studies on plastic surgery and clothing that performs cosmetic plastic surgery. (Really!!)

–Charlene

I mean, isn’t that why most women have the procedure in the first place? To get more attention? Well, when you have a classy rear end that looks like a south bound view of a north bound Jennifer Lopez, you will get attention.

But be sure and specify — one phone number tag per guy! Otherwise, you’ll reveal more of your new plastic surgery than you may like! We girls gotta leave something to the imagination, don’t we?

Even his publicist puts a (really!!) after his name in his news releases. However, Dr. Alter is not the only doctor with a name that reflects his daily work life.

In addition to the dentist, Dr. Payne and the proctologist, Dr. Butz, you have to wonder why some people don’t just go to court and officially change their names. Would you make an appointment with the dermatologist Dr. Skinner? Makes you think, huh?

A quick scan of the medical world reveals some other off-the-wall doctor names.

Two dentists, Doctors French and Fry, are in practice together. Other dentists include Doctors Pullen, Pulley, Yankum, Hurter, Fangman, Toothaker and finally, Doctors Holler and Hurt who, thankfully, do not practice together. Can you imagine the sign on their door? “Holler & Hurt Dentistry?” (Oh yeah, don’t confuse these two guys with Dr. Yell, the obstetrician who, uh, shall we say, works the other end of the street.)

Of course, if you would be reluctant to see the dentist Dr. Fear, you can always go see Dr. Bliss, Dr. Shugar or Dr. Sweet (I know what you are thinking — Shugar and Sweet don’t practice together!)

You might really flinch at the mention of dentists Doctors Mangle; De Kay; Butcher; Nasti and Rensch who pronounces his name “wrench.”

Suppose your knees are really knocking and you opt for anesthesia? Take your choice of Dr. Mistry, Dr. Ether or, my personal favorite, Dr. Comfort.

Veterinarians are also on the list of professionals who are named according to their work. Appropriately named Vets include Doctors Fish, Pett, Shepard, Basset, Katz, Hogg, Fox, Parrott, Bowser and Wolff. It’s said that an actual English Veterinarian Dr. Doolittle talks to all of them.

And keep an ear out for veterinarians Doctors Howell, Barker, Woof, and Nay.

You’ll also find a Dr. Wagy who pronounces his name “waggy.”

In an effort worthy of a Saturday Night Live episode, parents Chris and Jessica take baby Tucker to a real surgeon who is a great actor. But it’s all in fun.

Memorable quote from the doc: “People always ask me, ‘How do you know if a baby wants plastic surgery?” I always respond, ‘Well, how do you know he doesn’t?’”