It’s either flying saucers, swamp gas, or God’s playing dots all by his lonesome. Sidenote: Kind of poetic that the CCTV camera on the right isn’t looking upwards, no?

SciFi Channel’s new corporate identity, SyFy.

Maybe it’s just me, but it reminds me of a certain sexually transmitted disease. I recognize the slap-in-the-face attitude SciFi Cha*Ahem* SyFy is taking here; Nerds don’t have sex, and by labelling their entire corporation after an STD, they’re effectively giving a giant FUCK YOU to the few who stood by the network through the awful (not in the good way) miniseries/TV movies.

The new brand is being universally panned as the worst idea since Basilisk: The Serpent King, by the way.

“Imagine Greater”? How about “Imagine Better Content without the Identity Crisis”?

The Woz is so awesome that when he does the Cha-Cha, sparks fly out from his feet

The really sad thing is, upon seeing this image most nerds will only notice Woz (and those sharp black slacks with pink French Cuff), paying no attention to the half naked Russian Ballerina next to him. Oh, her name? Karina Smirnoff.

I am admittedly a newcomer to Bear Grylls’ deceptively simply named show Man vs. Wild, but I’ve been addicted ever since I first saw the crazy Brit jump out of a plane a few weeks ago into some random jungle. I’ve watched 5 episodes of his international shenans and have found myself constantly questioning: how awesome is Bear Grylls, really? I think I finally found my answer after a mini-marathon last night.

Bear Grylls is nowhere near as awesome as his cameraman.

The cameraman (I know he has a name… but how cool is it to just refer to him as “The Cameraman”) somehow manages to always get the perfect angle, effortlessly putting himself in imminent danger to show just how deadly  Bear’s situation is. Sometimes I swear the man is floating alongside Bear, as he rapels down the face of some unnamed cliff.

Bear almost seems to recognize The Cameraman’s awesomeness, as evident in this CollegeHumor interview (Really? CollegeHumor?):

That’s pretty close. What’s harder? To be Bear Grylls or to be his Cameraman? Probably the cameraman. He is amazing. Simon (Reay) is doing about 90% of everything I do, while carrying my equipment. In my eyes he’s very much the unsung hero in all of this.

Now, I know The Cameraman isn’t always with Bear — sometimes Bear needs to go into a glacier through a small opening or something, and The Cameraman has to hang back — but The Cameraman does MORE than 90% than Bear because he’s lugging around some equipment, and keeping the camera aimed at Bear at all times, no matter where they are.

Point is: The Cameraman is just as awesome, if not awesomer, than Bear Grylls. He should have his own Cameraman to document just how incredible he is.

BONUS: Bear Grylls dispatches a lizard in the manliest way possible.

My admittedly unscientific research has found the following games to be on most of these GOTY lists:

1. Fallout 3
2. Grand Theft Auto IV
3. Metal Gear Solid 4
4. Left 4 Dead
5. Gears of War 2
6. Little Big Planet
7. Rock Band 2
8. Professor Layton and the Curious Village
9. Super Smash Bros. Brawl
10. World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King

Sure there are a few others: Resistance 2, No More Heroes, and some other very odd picks (I’m looking at you Gamespot), but my list is a pretty good summation of the  gaming website community. So what’s wrong with these games? Most of them are crap, or don’t deserve to be listed at all.

To maintain journalistic integrity (whatever that means for this site), I’m going to be completely honest and tell you that I haven’t played most of these games. Is my opinion moot because of this? Nah. I’ll acknowledge when I have or haven’t played one of these games, and still provide some insightful insight (yeah, I said it). So which naughty games made it onto the nice list?

• Super Smash Bros. Brawl. I bought this and played it for a good chunk of time before I realized this game is just the Gamecube version, with online play. There’s absolutely nothing to warrant any hype here. The controls are terrible, the game is boring, and the fighting is just dreadfully monotonous. While the concept behind the game (taking awesome characters from awesome games and making them fight each other) is solid, and the unlockables are plentiful and somewhat difficult to attain, the game itself just isn’t that good. Not even in the good “it’s not that good” way.
• World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King. I just have a problem with an expansion pack on a GOTY list. It doesn’t sound legal.
• Professor Layton and the Curious Village. I haven’t played this one. I understand that this game was put on many lists just because they needed to represent the portable systems, but really? This game? It looks like a neat little puzzle adventure murder mystery, but I wonder if this isn’t GOTY-material, and just a really good portable game.
• Rock Band 2. What the hell is this game doing here? Minus a few improvements, this is identical to the first game. What’s new? What exactly warrants it being on any GOTY list? Answer: nothing.
• Metal Gear Solid 4. I haven’t played this one, but I’ve watched the majority of it online. While it has some really incredible moments (the Metal Gear Rex battle, the microwave hallway, the visit to Shadow Moses Island), the plot is still too complicated for it’s own good, and filled with strange tics often found in Japanese games. Example: the excessive use of grunts. Also, MGS4 has cut-scenes. Lots of them. Some are up to 90 minutes long… overkill for the videogame medium, in my opinion. The game should probably be found on many GOTY lists just based on it’s epic nature, but nowhere near the top.
• Grand Theft Auto IV. Rest assured, I have played this game, and know I am in the minority of people who think it is complete crap. The game was a lot of fun for a good 3 days or so – and then I realized I haven’t really done anything. The missions are identical, the driving physics are garbage, the police are stupid now and won’t give much of a chase, the military and tanks are gone, flying in a plane is gone, and the story is still unremarkable. There are a few spots where the game is actually kind of good though: Nico is the best protagonist in the game’s history, and the graphics are pretty. Where did all of the fun go? My guess: run over by the hatchback that handles like a school bus.

What do you guys think? Any other games I’ve missed? Which GOTY games really stand out to you as unfulfilled experiences?

I Get Your Fail via Kotaku

Or it could be neither, and end up being some rant on underwater harpoon battles. We’ll see!

00:00:27 – Pretty cool opening shot, with the gun barrel pointing at JB. Not sure who it is, but they must’ve been ki… yes, they were killed. Kind of — JB is obviously James Bond, and he’s watching over it all from the balcony.

00:01:23 – Ah, the first sexual innuendo. Zing point for Bond.

00:03:00 – Who is this Colonel Bouvar and why is he cross-dressing?

00: 03:50 – Annnnnd the ol’ jetpack escape. Makes sense to keep a jetpack on the roof, just in case you need to make that 60 yard trip to the car.

00:05:00 – Cue the Tom Jones theme song. This has to be the definition of “swanky.” I’m also getting a touch of “burlesque” as well. Tom Jones is the man.

00:08:25 – Any guy who wears an eye patch is evil. This is a standard villain rule.

00:10:00 – Villain meeting. Hello, Austin Powers inspiration – complete with Blofeld stroking his cat, the numbered “underbosses,” yadda yadda. Trying to keep my brain focused on the time period; the Cold War, crime empires, etc. Largo (eye patch guy) is apparently #2 in SPECTRE, under Blofeld.

00:16:00 – Bond is being tortured on a spine correction device, aka The Rack; it’s movement simulates humping. Ironic, for James Bond?

00:24:20 – A harpsichord in the James Bond “looking-for-clues” theme? Well, it definitely makes me feel a little more intrigued – I like it. I wonder if there’s been any harpsichord in the newer Bonds? I can’t remember any.

00:26:30 – I’m approaching the 30 minute point, and I don’t think there’s been any acknowledgment of Bond’s role in the overall plot. He’s just getting massages, sexed, and tortured. Sure, he killed one of the SPECTRE members in the beginning, but no one seems to be doing anything about it yet.

00:31:00 – I’m not sure how feasible this jet fighter landing on water really is… but it is damn awesome. The underwater shots of the jet floating on the surface, and then sinking, are especially nice. Maybe they’re using miniatures. I can’t tell.

00:33:30 – Just noticed on the side of the nuclear bomb, “HANDLE LIKE EGGS.” Nice.

00:37:15 – When asked what kind of job Bond has, he replies “Licensed Troubleshooter”. Again, nice.

00:41:34 – FINALLY, James Bond is really brought into the main plot. Also, the massive wall map seems like a huge waste of money. Just sayin’.

00:45:00 – First impressions of Domino, the primary Thunderball Bond Girl: Meh. Kind of lacking in personality.

00:55:00 – The harpsichord returns. Maybe I just didn’t realize that it’s always been there.

00:58:37 – Hell yes! Shark attack on a Largo cronie! Where are the lasers on their heads? (Kidding)

00:59:36 – Q! Wearing a silly pineapple shirt! Equipping Bond in the field with… a Geiger counter watch, an infrared underwater camera, a flare pistol, an pocket-size underwater breathing device, and a homing signal in a pill. I think this is the biggest Q inventory yet.

01:09:30 – Felix Leiter looks particularly “Tourist Dad”-ish

01:13:25 – Classic James Bond hardass moment: Tells Largo to call for a skeet to be launched, half-looks with the rifle at his side, shoots the skeet. “Seems terribly difficult. *shoots skeet* No it isn’t, is it?”

01:25:00 – I definitely did not remember that Bond gets shot. Hmph. And I’ve seen this parade for the last 15 minutes it seems… WTF is this parade even for? Did I miss the parade explanation earlier, or do people who live on tropical islands just have parades to celebrate themselves?

01:27:15 – RANDOM DOG PEEING ON THE STREET! It’s even better because it’s during a high-tension chase scene. It’s so real.

01:33:00 – The stingray that Bond observes from the helicopter has an obnoxiously awesome tail. He’s swinging and whipping it all around above the water. I want to meet this stingray. He probably has an awesome name like Kisses, or Butterball, or something. Also, Tourist Dad Leiter returns… in the exact same outfit he was wearing earlier.

01:36:00 – The corpses in the drowned plane look surprisingly healthy and composed, for being underwater for days. Am I surprised by this oversight? Not really.

01:37:45 – Did… Did James Bond and Domino just do the deed while scuba diving? Is that was that giant burst of bubbles symbolized? (15-second later update: YES.)

01:38:20 – Easily the quote of the movie: “That’s the first time I’ve tasted women; they’re rather good.” Domino’s reply quote: “You’re the only man to ever make me cry.” AWOOOOOOGA!

01:47:30 – All of this underwater fight choreography is pretty impressive.

01:54:10 – All of these Marines (I’m assuming they’re Marines?) parachuting in reminds me of the helicopter village raid scene in Apocalype Now. And so begins the giant harpoon battle. Can’t say I’ve seen too many of these.

02:00:00 – I can’t really remember ever seeing this much blood in a Bond movie.

02:07:30 – Domino kills Largo with a harpoon. Boat blows up. Yay.

02:09:23 – Awesome escape via seaplane balloon catcher!

So liveblogging, eh? I kind of dug it. Probably not an “every-Bond-movie” thing to do, but a nice diversion. Keeps things on their toes. Thing toes.

• House of the Dead (budget: $12 million) made $5.73 million
• Alone in the Dark (budget: $20 million) made over $5.1 million
• BloodRayne (budget: $25 million) made $2.42 million
• In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (budget: $60 million) made about $10 million
• Rotten Tomato Tomatometer ranking of 0%
• His best movie ranking on Rotten Tomatoes is 11% (a movie called Blackwoods)

I could go on, but this post isn’t an Uwe Boll history (although that might be fun to do). No, this post is recognizing the sheer brilliance of the Uwe Boll parody – an art in itself – in the form of a fictional Contra movie:

Uwe Boll isn’t a stupid guy. Heck, he’s got a doctorate in literature from some prestigious sounding European schools. So why isn’t he doing this?! Sure, he might be “destroying the franchise,” but it wouldn’t be any worse than Contra: Legacy of War.

No, I speak of trees. Trees are many things, most of which I won’t bother to list here in this introduction, but one thing they aren’t usually associated with anymore is technology. Sure, trees had their technological heyday – pretty much any period of time before 1900 – but they’re more associated with that Nature thing now.

However, some smart folks are coming up with new product concepts that bring the distinctive wood grain flesh back into the fold.

Listed below, in no particular order, are some of these product concepts that incorporate the old-timey charm and characteristic wit of wood grain. A note before the list: similar to my Dancing Robots post, this list is not comprehensive, and most of this stuff is standard DIY material anyway. There are probably some variations of these products out on the market, somewhere (Read: JAPAN), but as far as I can tell these products are still concepts and never made it to the mass manufacturing development stage.

The Maple Phone: A True Wooden Cellphone

The Maple Phone, or “Mapes” as I call it, was engineered by two Japanese dudes who are probably good at what they do. I’m not sure how the logistics of this phone pan out; do you slide it open to hit the keys? Can you type through the translucent wood? Whatever. The point is, this phone is aesthetically awesome, but will probably incur the ol’ achy-thigh if it’s carried around in a pocket. Also, the red text and weak font look lost in the wood-grain-shuffle. A bolder blue might help a bit. And make the “SEND” Button a Chainsaw icon. Thanks.

Fujitsu’s “Indiana Jones has sex with lumberjack in Colombian jungle” Laptop

This laptop looks slapped together with reckless abandon. The handles have a Gamecube-ridicule quality about them. It folds up into a shell that reminds me of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles live action movies. And what the heck is up with those no-peeking flaps? They remind me of the desk forts I would build out of folders in first grade when I was about to take a test. Fern Gully creatures don’t have to worry about being caught watching porn, I guess.

The Woodii – Wooden Wii – Wii Wood (Take your pick)

Some guy named Joe has dreams of modding his Wiimote, and bringing it up to par with the wood grain elite. I know what you’re thinking, and I’m skeptical too – these concept shots look like he’s just going to be putting wood grain decals all over his Wiimote. Benefit of the doubt though, these are just concepts. Even if it was a half-breed (half plastic, half wood), I’d accept it. As it is, I shrug my shoulders and move on.

Wood.e: What furniture would look like if Europeans ruled the world

At first glance, this is your standard Euro-trash, bendy furniture. Now disregard the image and think of this: no more wires. The wood in this furniture sandwiches two layers of conductive metal, effectively electrifying the wood (which, I think it can be safely assumed, is shielded).  The current is then delivered to “plug-and-play” type devices that can be put anywhere on the furniture. I’m not sure how many lamps I actually need, but damn, this is kind of awesome. Trans|alpin, the team behind this monstrosity, is also responsible for another bizarre concept: vending machine furniture. Read all about both future-furniture ideas on their site.

The Rolling Bench: A Breakthrough in Sitting!

Leave it to the Koreans and their park-sitting tomfoolery to conceptualize something that is so weirdly brilliant in that “I-really-don’t-want-to-actually-use-this” way. The basic idea is that after it rains, or the bench-sitter soils themselves, a quick turn of the crank on the side of the bench will rotate the dry underbelly to the top. This product seems ripe for some type of sitcom vandalism: get your friend to sit on the bench, hook the crank up to some hidden hydraulic system, press a button and watch some serious, life-threatening injury occur. Speaking of life-threatening injuries…

The Spinning Disc: Saw Your Hand Off While Jamming to Britney!

Possibly the most loyal homage to the wood tradition is this number: A buzzsaw CD player carved from a block of wood. This seems appropriately treacherous, yet keeps the “old stereo equipment” aesthetic nicely. Final Destination-ish visions of CD shards whizzing through the air, lodging themselves in a throat or two, are jumping about in my head already. A small description of the concept from idealist:

This CD player elevates the spinning motion of the disc and its linear potential for movement to an iconic and understandable form. The player embodies something we know but rarely notice, and something we understand but cannot define. The spinning CD, displayed as a table saw blade slicing through a rich piece of walnut, draws our attention to an element of elegant activity within a simple, tranquil object. Appropriately, the perforated walnut speakers are equal to the size of planks that might be cut by the spinning blade. As in a lumberyard, they find their resting place, leaning motionless against a vertical surface. Battery powered and wireless, the system is clean, unencumbered and unfettered. To further emphasize simplicity and integrity, the player’s controls have been reduced to three white buttons. Intuitively aligned with the CD itself, the center button acts to play and pause, the left button tracks backward and the right tracks forward.

The white buttons have to be one of the worst parts of this concept. What about, say, incorporating the translucent-wood controls from Mapes? And a retro “on-off” switch (of this variety) made from a nail? Yeah… that’ll do just fine.

What other wooden concepts are out there? Put your thoughts/ideas in the comments!

Anyhow, FunnyOrDie just put the first episode of Season 2 on the webs, and it’s a slightly askew return to form. There are plenty of genuinely funny moments, but the songs seemed kind of lax and reliant on visual gags more than usual. Murray’s character redeems any shortcomings with this episode however, as he continues to be the lovable and flawed Kiwi.

Here’s the entire second season premiere episode (unavailable in Kraplakistan):

Maybe the songs are just a touch on the soft-side too; like they didn’t experiment enough. Who am I to tell them what’s what though? They’re making lotso-money. I just hope there’s a return to experimental rap, with Hiphopapotamous and the Rhymenocerous:

Anyone else watch this show? Do you even remember it (the last episode aired September 2007!)? Favorite songs? Thoughts on that other HBO comedy they advertised at the end (looks kinda good actually). Do tell.