Please give a hearty Polite Company Magazine welcome to the cartoon team of Forrest Sullivan. Enjoy their hilarious cartoons and we are pleased to have them as part of our contributor family.

Bill “Tex” Forrest is a design professional and multimedia artist from Woodbridge, VA.

Francis Sullivan is an advertising creative director and sporadic songwriter from Bethesda, MD.

Bill and Francis worked together at ad agencies over the years and recently started melding their minds to create cartoons.

Welcome to the daily headlines, brought to you by the staff of Polite Company Magazine. Every day we bring you a collection of the day’s most important, weird, or just plain fascinating news from around the world. Check back every day for a daily dose of our deliciously bizarre world.

WELCOME TO THE PARTY!

The San Antonio Prison in Venezuela is more of a nightclub than a correctional facility, where prisoners engage in parties, bet on cock-fights, and use drugs. Civil rights activists are concerned the prison is not doing it’s job of rehabilitating dangerous criminals, but admit it might be an effective means of getting at large felons to turn themselves in.

Read the rest here.

VOTE EARLY, VOTE OFTEN

Carson Daily addressed irregularities in the voting system on the television talent show, “The Voice” yesterday. The irregularities did not affect the outcome of the winners, crushing again the hopes and dreams of Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan.

Read the rest here.

ONCE TACO SUPREME PLEASE, WITH EXTRA LION

A Tampa restaurant called Taco Fusion has some unusual fillings for its offerings. One just happens to be lion meat. The restaurant offers Lion tacos at a price of $35 for patrons with unusual tastes. We here at Polite Company Magazine feel karma should get involved in this as soon as possible and hopefully televise the event.

Read the rest here.

HONOR AMONG THIEVES
Eight people were charged with stealing over $42 million in a cyber-crime spree targeting global banks. Bank officials were thrilled the operation was shut down and issued a statement, “we are thankful to government authorities for prosecuting this kind of shameless stealing. Hopefully the criminals will come to understand that crime does not pay, and the best way to earn money is the old fashioned way, getting Congress to bail you out when you threaten to destroy the economy.”

Read the rest here.

EVEN A CAVEMAN COULD DO IT

Seventeen nuclear launch officers had their authorization to initiate nuclear strikes revoked after an audit showed neglectful and careless conduct concerning the nuclear arsenal. In an effort to simplify procedures, the Air Force contracted with office supply superstore Staples to install “Easy Buttons” at all launch locations and hiring local high school students to conduct the operations.

Read the rest here.

JOBS ARE THE NUMBER ONE PRIORITY

John Boehner asked for copies of administration e-mails concerning the Benghazi attack of last year claiming, “access to these e-mails will allow us to remain laser focused on creating jobs and the economy, just like we promised.”

Read the rest here.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME FRIES WITH THAT SOUVLAKI?

A whopping 60 percent of the youth of Greece is currently unemployed a recent report indicated after years of tax hikes and spending cuts imposed on the troubled country’s government in exchange for a debt bailout. “We’d be doing better if we weren’t shut out of the Greek Yogurt market,” a chief Greek economist bemoaned.

Read the rest here.

YOU WERE ELECTED TO LEAD, OR AT THE VERY LEAST SHOW UP

Republican Senators boycotted a meeting to advance the nomination of Gina McCarthy for leadership of the Environmental Protection Agency. Republicans used the obstruction tactic to protest a range of “transparency” issues at the EPA, but most observers on Capital Hill saw right throught their petty excuses.

Read the rest here.

SETTING THE RIGHT EXAMPLE

A Georgia high school student was suspended after he posted an Instagram picture of the mug shot of his Principal. “We just cannot tolerate this kind of irresponsible behavior from our students,” the Principal said. The Principal in question was arrested in the highly responsible act of missing a court date for a highly responsible speeding violation.

Read the rest here.

GOD? ARE YOU THERE?

A judge in Texas ruled in favor of the Kountze High School cheerleading team and their use of Biblical messages on banners during football games. The banners sported such messages as “If God is for us, who could be against us?” Last year, the team finished the season with a 5-6 record, indicating God was with them less than half the time. The Lord could not be reached for comment.

Read the rest here.

Welcome to the daily headlines, brought to you by the staff of Polite Company Magazine. Every day we bring you a collection of the day’s most important, weird, or just plain fascinating news from around the world. Check back every day for a daily dose of our deliciously bizarre world.

CRUSH THE SPIDER, MAN!

The office of the Governor of New Jersey posted a video of Chris Christie killing a spider on his desk in front of a group of fourth grade children. The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals released a statement criticizing the Governor for murdering a potentially radioactive spider and robbing the world of a superhero. There is a silver lining on the tragedy however, as Uncle Ben Parker is reportedly still alive.

Read the rest here.

“QUIT BUGGING ME”

A brood of ciccadas is emerging after 17 years in the ground this May to mate and lay eggs in the soil. One of the recently hatched insects said, “Another Star Trek movie? Really?”

Read the rest here.

LICK IT UP

Researchers have determined that using saliva to clean a baby’s pacifier is not only safe, but also effective in strengthening the child’s immune system. One of the scientists involved in the study said, “I incurred $250,000 in student loans for this. Shoot me.”

Read the rest here.

LOOK MA! I’M IN 3D!

A 3D printer can now be used to manufacture a working firearm. And to think, the best use I could come up with for the printer was custom Dungeons and Dragons figurines.

Read the rest here.

YOU CAN’T SHUT HIM UP

Despite the claim in a new book, Fox News did not shut off Geraldo Rivera’s microphone for defending President Obama on the network’s program Fox and Friends. Fox News reports it did not receive any complaints when Rivera went silent.

Read the rest here.

COME TO FLORIDA!

Shortly after the state of Maryland repealed its death penalty, lawmakers in Florida sought ways to speed up the process of its executions. Though in all fairness, many people flock to Florida every year to die.

Read the rest here.

OH, THE PRICE WE’LL PAY!

A new study by the Heritage foundation claims that mass legalization of immigrants would cost the country $6.3 trillion due to an increase in social costs. Immigration supporters responded to the report with the question, “how much is that in pesos?”

DID THEY FIND JIMMY HOFFA?

Archaeologists discovered artifacts from Ancient Rome underneath a parking lot in Leicester, England proving once again that all parking lots lead to Rome.

Read the rest here.

GET UP FOR THE NEWS

The Chinese equivalent of Twitter was abuzz with jokes about the new construction of a building for the People’s Daily Newspaper of the Communist Party in China because of it’s suggestive shape. Communist Party officials angrily rebutted the childish posts with this statement, “reporting of the news is a man’s job, and it is hard. Grow up.”

Read the rest here.

HEY, NICE ORBS

Archaeoligists report that “orbs” were discovered beneath the “Temple of the Feathered Serpent.” The Chinese People’s Daily News broke the story first.

Read the rest here.

Welcome to the daily headlines, brought to you by the staff of Polite Company Magazine. Every day we bring you a collection of the day’s most important, weird, or just plain fascinating news from around the world. Check back every day for a daily dose of our deliciously bizarre world.

Due to federal spending cuts mandated by the sequester, airports reported delays throughout the country as many air traffic controllers took unpaid furlough days. A long-time employee was quoted, “at least with Ronald Reagan, the planes ran on time.”

Read the rest here.

Florida is seeking to pass legislation to reform the alimony system. Currently, many alimony payments last until the death of the spouse. The new system seeks to end the “til death do us part” provision of divorce.

Read the rest here.

A West Virginia middle school student, suspended last week for wearing an NRA “Protect Your Rights” t-shirt with a hunting rifle printed on it is back in school. His father says he will fight the punishment his son received for wearing the shirt, “I will go to the ends of the earth, I will call people, I will write letters, I will do everything in the legal realm to make sure this does not happen again,” the father said. He received a reply from the other ends of the Earth saying, “What?”

Read the rest here.

A man in California, survived in the wilderness for 8 days after crashing his Zipcar. He survived by eating pine nuts and was finally found wandering near Clear Lake in Lake county. “If not for the basil I had been carrying in the trunk, this might have been a little rough. Pesto got me through the entire ordeal.”

Read the rest here.

An audit of Las Vegas cab drivers found that tourists were overcharged some $15 million in cab fares in 2012 alone. Overall, victims of being overcharged were not entirely upset over the fleecing. “Hey, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, and these cab drivers are great for keeping their mouths shut about the adultery. Small price to pay.”

Read the rest here.

Paul Kevin Curtis, the Elvis impersonator, suspected of sending letters to political leaders laced with Ricin was released today on a lack of evidence. Prosecutors have yet to make a final decision, but Curtis may find himself in custody again for impersonating a terror suspect.

Read the rest here.

Anthony Weiner has started a new Twitter account, some two years after resigning from Congress in disgrace after a suggestive tweet was mistakenly made public. In the minutes after starting the new account, Weiner quickly gained over 2000 followers, first among which was reported to be former Green Bay Packer Quarterback and Weiner Tweeter, Brett Favre.

Read the rest here.

A wave of optimism is hitting the Japanese economy after over a decade of slumping activity. In celebration, many in Japan are opting for a shorter hemline on skirts, saying that a good economy calls for shorter skirts. It makes us all here at Polite Company Magazine nostalgic for the Clinton years.

Read the rest here.

A hacked Twitter account from the Associated Press posted a tweet suggesting a bomb at the White House had injured President Obama sent stocks into a momentary tailspin until the false tweet was retracted. The event proved once again that stock prices rise and fall on the fundamentals of the public companies on the exchange.

Read the rest here.

The latest cartoons by Robert W. Brunelle, Jr.!! This week, Brunelle examines the Boston Marathon

bombings.

Welcome to the daily headlines, brought to you by the staff of Polite Company Magazine. Every day we bring you a collection of the day’s most important, weird, or just plain fascinating news from around the world. Check back every day for a daily dose of our deliciously bizarre world.

The state of Florida is facing an epidemic of giant slugs the size of rats with shells so tough they can pop car tires. State officials have rounded up 117,000 of the creatures and are seeking donations of garlic and oil for disposal of the carcasses.

Read the rest here.

In recent years, Japanese students have been hesitant to enroll in US universities due at least in part to fears about the prevalence of guns and gun violence. American students in turn, have avoided Japanese universities because, as one college student said, “we can’t see them, but we know the ninjas are there.”

Read the rest here.

Google CEO Eric Schmidt made a bold prediction that everyone in the world will have access to the Internet by the year 2020. Currently, only 38% of the world’s population has reliable online access. Undeterred by the challenge, Schmidt said, “our advertising revenue projections indicate all 33 billion people on earth will see your banner ad by 2020 if you sign up for Google Ads today.”

Read the rest here.

A group of scientists is meeting in Flagstaff, AZ to discuss strategies needed to protect the earth from rogue asteroids. Events at the conference are set to include skeet shooting, a Star Trek Cosplay Ball, and a giant screen viewing of the movie Armageddon followed by the panel discussion, “What the heck happened to Liv Tyler’s acting career?”

Read the rest here.

The Supreme Court is hearing arguments related to patents on genes developed in the lab. The case has massive implications for the future of bio-technology. In anticipation of a possible ruling, Polite Company Magazine scientists have filed patents on Jessica Alba’s breasts and George Clooney’s “cool factor.” Just in case.

Read the rest here.

One of only 11 copies of a Puritan Psalm book produced in the early American settlements is going up for auction in November. Speculation is that the exceedingly rare copy could fetch as much as $30 million. The last copy sold in 1947, though there is a copy for sale on eBay with a minimum bid price of $199.00 or buy it now price of $249.00 and signed by the Psalmist King David.

Read the rest here.

Michigan Judge Raymond Voet fined himself $25 for violating a policy he himself implemented concerning cell phone disruptions in his court room. The judge ruled himself in contempt of court and proved himself unworthy of serving in Congress in one simple action.

Read the rest here.

Republican Congressman Rob Woodall of Georgia told the audience in attendance at a Town Hall meeting that former Presidential candidate Mitt Romney was right when he said 47% of Americans paid no income tax and were dependent on the government. Woodall’s comments were part of the new GOP strategy to lose every election from now until they big tent folds up like a 19th century Whig.

Read the rest here.

“I performed with Kanye West, I know Kanye West, Kanye West is a friend of mine. Aubrey Plaza, you are no Kanye West,” Will Ferrell.

Read the rest here.

“So, apparently, if you’re able to keep your eyes open during a sneeze, your eyeballs would not pop out of your head. Yet another of the enjoyable myths of childhood debunked. Sometimes I really hate myth-busters,” Santa Claus.

Read the rest here.

Welcome to the daily headlines, brought to you by the staff of Polite Company Magazine. Every day we bring you a collection of the day’s most important, weird, or just plain fascinating news from around the world. Check back every day for a daily dose of our deliciously bizarre world.

Senator Chris Murphy requested that Rupert Murdoch not air the Nascar Race this weekend because the race is being sponsored by the NRA. Surprisingly, Murdoch agreed to Murphy’s request and instead will air a new reality show called, “So You Wanna Be an Attention Whore?: US Seneate Edition.”

Read the rest here.

Optimism about the direction of the country reached a six year high in the latest poll conducted by CNN. An AMC official, the network behind the dystopian program, The Walking Dead was overheard saying, “shit.”

Read the rest here.

PETA is exploring the possibility of using drone aircraft to monitor the activities of bear hunters and other sportsmen. Rand Paul is looking for a way to filibuster the animal rights group in another effort to raise his national profile for a possible run at the Presidency.

Read the rest here.

South Carolina beauty pageant contestant Analouisa Valencia is breaking new ground in her home state as being not only bi-racial but also a lesbian. This is a remarkable achievement in the highly conservative Palmetto State, and many are pleased with the cultural progress her success represents. The rest of the country it seems, has little interest in the antiquated idea of beauty pageants.

Read the rest here.

Former candidate for Vice President Paul Ryan said in a speech, “We don’t want a country where abortion is simply outlawed. We want a country where it isn’t even considered.” The electorate of United States preferred a country where the opinions of Ryan were not outlawed, but not really considered.

Read the rest here.

Ann Coulter defended herself from the rebuke of Meghan McCain after making a joke about the daughter of Senator John McCain being murdered. McCain called the joke “disgusting regardless,” though she expected such things from Coulter with whom she has feuded in the past. It was not clear whether the exchange was part of Reince Priebus’ plan to expand the tent of GOP by focusing on strong Republican women and minorities.

Read the rest here.

The latest episode of Glee caused significant controversy because of its use of a school shooting theme, so close after the tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut. While it is still unclear what protests or boycotts may be planned for the television show, some on Twitter were especially outraged, “Glee is still on the air, who knew?” tweeted @HIPSTERME1985.

Read the rest here.

Store owners in Oklahoma have begun sleeping in their business locations and ready to shoot any burglars breaking in. Churches in Oklahoma decided to omit the phrase “forgive those who trespass against us” until further notice.

Read the rest here.

A group of volunteers called Secure Border Intelligence has tasked themselves with keeping track of possible illegal immigrant activity. Since the organization began operations several years ago, the local Gamestop reported an eighty percent drop in Call of Duty video game sales.

Read the rest here.

Authorities intercepted a package addressed to famous Sheriff Joe Arpaio contained explosive materials. Officials were silent when asked if the package also contained pink panties and handcuffs. “No comment,” an anonymous investigator said.

Read the rest here.

Welcome to the daily headlines, brought to you by the staff of Polite Company Magazine. Every day we bring you a collection of the day’s most important, weird, or just plain fascinating news from around the world. Check back every day for a daily dose of our deliciously bizarre world.

HOKUM! HOKUM, I TELL YOU

Responding to the overwhelming majority of Americans (86%) who believe in background checks for purchasing firearms, Larry Pratt, Executive Director of Gun Owners of America said, “Your polls are hokum.” 92% of those polled said they haven’t heard anyone use the term “hokum” since the Great War and 87% felt they would feel safer if the person still using it did not own any guns.

Read the rest here.

DO YOU HAVE A PERMIT FOR THOSE ZOMBIES?

19 year old Jeremiah Hartline stole an 18-wheeler loaded with strawberries and collided with several vehicles on the California freeway. He claimed he was trying to shake the zombies that were chasing him off the truck. Authorities believe he was under the influence of eating too many strawberries, but can’t rule out that other narcotics may have been involved. A Facebook friend defended Hartline as a fierce warrior, but regretted that he had to boot Hartline from his Zombie Survival Team until legal proceedings are complete.

Read the rest here.

MUST HAVE BEEN A LONELY LIFE

A local legend has been captured in central Maine. For 27 years, the North Pond Hermit burglarized camps for food and books, but never money and never causing any damage. In all 27 years, Christopher Knight communicated only once with another human being. He was captured by authorities when he went into town seeking to open a bank account with which to claim the inheritance of the Nigerian Prince with whom he had traded e-mails.

Read the rest here.

DOES THIS COME WITH A HOME WARRANTY?

An anonymous Russian billionaire purchased the island of Skorpios for $153 million, the private land mass in Greece that was once the site of the wedding of Jackie Kennedy and Aristotle Onassis. A reas estate agent involved with the sale said the owner was offered the remainder of the country as a package deal for no additional cost, but the buyer refused to take on the additional headache.

Read the rest here.

HAVE YOU GIRLS BEEN WORKING OUT?

Oregon man, Jeff Smith, was pinned underneath his tractor after an accident in his yard. His two teenage daughters lifted the 3000 lb vehicle just enough to free their father from the crushing weight. The girls heard their father screaming in the yard while they were enjoying their usual afterschool snack of a can of spinach.

Read the rest here.

CLICK “LIKE” IF YOU WANT A BETTER WORLD

Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced a new political group called Fwd.us. The group seeks to shape public policy around the issues of immigration, education, and increased focus on science and mathematics in an attempt to keep America at the forefront of the global economy. “In order to remain competitive,” he said, “Americans need to really focus on enrichment and avoid the lazy distractions of modern life and spend more time on the important things, like Facebook and social media.” Many on Twitter were outraged.

Read the rest here.

MAY I HELP YOU WITH THAT, SIR?

A grisly spectacle took place at a Home Depot in suburban Los Angeles as a man, described as being in his forties, began to use saws designed to cut sheet rock to cut into his own arms. His wounds were tended to by a Home Depot employee who used rags and ropes from the store to apply tourniquets and bind his bloody wounds. A store manager said, “we are deeply saddened by the events here today, and want to clarify that goods at the Home Depot do not cost an arm and a leg.”

Read the rest here.

DON’T DO IT! WE MEAN IT!

Leading social conservatives began applying pressure to the Republican National Committee, urging them to hold fast to their opposition to gay marriage. The leaders threatened to leave the GOP and withdraw constituent support to the Party should they cave in on the issue. Republican officials could be seen shaking in their boots from fear that the social conservatives would bolt to one of the several viable third party options available in America.

Read the rest here.

TALK TO ME, BABY!

A man in the UK, lonely after a bad breakup with his girlfriend, racked up a $140,000 phone bill for excessively using a phone sex line. Details of the breakup were not disclosed, but we’re willing to be he was a good listener.

Read the rest here.

EXPELIARMUS!

Saturday, April 13, 2013 marks the date for the Sixth Annual Quidditch World Cup…that’s all I got…sigh…sigh…

Read the rest here.

A new feature here at Polite Company Magazine, we bring you the highlights from today’s headlines with our own quirky take on the news! Enjoy.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

DICK CHENEY SPEAKS!

Former Vice President Dick Cheney spoke with Republican leaders about the dire gravity of the North Korean situation. Cheney said, “we are in deep doo-doo.” (We apologize for the strong language, but did not want to blunt the force of Vice President’s warning)

“We’re in deep doo-doo.”

Read the rest of the story here.

UNIVERSAL BACKGROUND CHECKS

The Senate announced a bi-partisan deal on background checks. No one will be allowed to be elected to the Senate without a criminal background check. Lawmakers could not agree to add language to the legislation requiring a mental health screening.

The legislation includes a grandfather provision for those already in the Senate, to avert the chaos that might erupt from so many resignations.

Read the rest of the story here.

MAYOR McWEINER

News surfaced today that disgraced Congressman Anthony Weiner is considering a run for Mayor of New York City. Though there was no formal announcement, several college co-eds received photo tweets from Weiner with the caption, “So you think I’ve got the total package to run for Mayor?”

Read the rest of the story here.

The Atlantic Wire reported that the Barack Obama Twitter account did not represent tweets generated personally by the President, but rather by a political action group authorized to tweet to the President’s 29 million followers. Despite the reveleation that Obama did not write his own tweets, the Wire assured the Twittersphere that the DrunkHulk twitter feed was indeed generated by Drunk Hulk himself and not a representative.

Read the rest of the story here.

YOU CAN’T SEE ME!

The Government and Accountability Office suggested the US military could save $82 million if the military branches could agree on two types of camouflage instead of the seven patterns currently in use. The Pentagon issued a press release in response to the recommendation which read, “we just don’t see it.”

Read the rest of the story here.

LET MY UNICORNS GO!

North Korea threatened to launch a test missile unless official in South Korea turn over the seventeen captive unicorns they have been holding since 1953.

Read the rest of the story here.

TAKE A RIDE IN MY BEAUTIFUL BALLOON

Ford Motor Company applied for trademarks for an Inflatable Light Urban Vehicle, or iLuv only to find the trademark for “iLuv” already taken by another company that manufactures inflateables for entirely different uses.

Read the rest of the story here.

I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A BANKER

A government watchdog report claims that banks given bailout funds in the financial crisis used funds designated for small business loans to repay the bailout loans instead of lending to businesses to help grow the economy. Treasury officials were baffled by the news claiming, “we are floored by the news, money-changers have a flawless record of integrity, dating back to Biblical times.”

Read the rest of the story here.

DON’T MAKE ME POP A CAP IN YOUR TRUNK

An elephant with the Ringling Brothers Circus was the victim of a drive-by shooting in Tupelo, MS. Authorities have no leads on a suspect or possible motives. A Mississippi law enforcement official said, “it doesn’t take much these days. You can get shot for peanuts.”

Read the rest of the story here.

Weighing in with a different perspective on the debate on gay marriage, please enjoy the latest cartoon by master toonist Robert W.

Brunelle, Jr.