A Librarian's Guide to Etiquette

Theft, Preventing

2012-01-10T09:42:00.000-06:00

Librarians will occasionally find themselves needing to stop a patron who attempts to leave the library with an uncharged book. If the security gate chime sounds and your first attempt to get the patron’s attention fails (“Excuse me, sir? Sir?”), you may then resort to the use of lassos, TASERS, and/or throwing stars. Ask the readers: How does your library stop patrons who set off the security

E-books, Reading

2012-01-09T15:41:00.000-06:00

Librarians can avoid having their e-book reading experiences interrupted by curious passersby by disguising a Kindle to look like a folded newspaper. Alternately, you may print your Kindle books onto paper, sew them together, and hide them between two pieces of leather- or cloth-covered board.

Skills, Refreshing your

2012-01-05T09:45:00.000-06:00

All librarians should take advantage of Photoshop training sessions provided by their employers. Nothing looks better on a librarian’s resume than being able to create original LOLcats, fake Ryan Gosling quotes, and glamorously blurred LibGuides profile pictures.

Stereotypes, Perpetuating

2011-10-18T11:24:00.000-05:00

Librarians should not perpetuate the “sexy librarian” stereotype... unless they are really, really hot.

Plank, Walking the

2011-09-19T11:28:00.000-05:00

If your library coworkers insist on celebrating Talk Like a Pirate Day, it is perfectly acceptable to keelhaul them under the library’s bookmobile.

Rules, Enforcing the

2011-08-25T14:13:00.002-05:00

All back-to-school library orientation sessions should include video footage of librarians murdering patrons who don’t follow the rules.

Appreciated, Being

2011-08-23T10:43:00.000-05:00

A polite librarian should never encourage patrons who are prone to stalking the library’s public service staff. Instead, have those creepy patrons channel their obsessions into nominations for the I Love My Librarian Award. If you win, you can spend the $5,000 cash award to hire a personal body guard to protect you from your nominator.

Zombified, Being

2011-07-29T08:38:00.002-05:00

Librarians should allow themselves to be infected by the recent zombie fad in libraries. This can be done on the cheap by having your librarians sit at the reference desk, stare vacantly, and moan for brains. Ask the readers: How do you infuse zombie culture into your library?

Potluck meals, Contributing to

2011-07-20T14:36:00.000-05:00

Librarians should not offer crunched up Snickers bars from the staff vending machine as their contributions to the library staff potluck. If you forget to bring a dish, select the Kit-Kat bars instead.

Eco-friendly, Being

2011-07-18T11:50:00.000-05:00

An eco-friendly librarian should use his or her personal work space to collect coworkers' recyclable trash that falls outside the library's limited recycling options. By allowing this garbage to accumulate in your office, you are simultaneously saving the planet and providing an ecosystem for the library's roaches and mice.

Workday, Scheduling your

2011-07-14T10:01:00.002-05:00

Librarians should limit noteworthy workplace activities to 30 minutes per day. The rest of the workday should be spent reporting this activity on various online social networks. [Editor's note: You can now "circle" A Librarian's Guide to Etiquette on Google+. See: http://gplus.to/politelibrarian]

Diva, Being a Pencil

2011-06-30T11:16:00.000-05:00

Librarians should be fanatical about their choice of pencils. Whether you prefer the classic feel of a wooden #2 pencil, the silent lead advancement of a .7mm Paper Mate Sharpwriter, or the clicking comfort of Bic’s Bicmatic Grip, insist that your library director cater to your personal writing preferences regardless of the cost. [Editor’s note: This blog post was first drafted using a gold

Conferences, Ducking out of

2011-06-28T14:40:00.001-05:00

If you are going to skip out on library conference sessions or avoid the event completely, be sure to periodically post generic fake tweets (“Geeze, this conference room is sooo cold!” “Long line at the restroom!” “This session is so interesting!”) from the beach, mall, or bar where you are spending your day.

Leaders, Thought

2011-06-27T10:04:00.000-05:00

Some librarians earn the informal distinction as the library world’s “thought leaders” because of their grand ideas and bold visions for the future. Always ask your friends and colleagues to weigh in with their thoughts and opinions about your status as a thought leader before making any such declarations about yourself.

Connections, Making

2011-06-22T16:21:00.000-05:00

As you are flying to New Orleans for ALA, be sure to acknowledge your library-brethren/sistren -- the flight attendants. Like you, these kindred spirits teach in small, confined spaces; they express an obvious boredom with teaching the same lesson over and over again; and their lessons are directed to patrons who blatantly ignore them. For those of you who are not flying to New Orleans, express

Interns, Working with

2011-06-21T08:50:00.001-05:00

Librarians should always do their best to teach summer interns important transferable life skills while working in the library... like shelf reading, putting newspapers on sticks, and scrubbing the urine from the inside of the after-hours book drop. Ask the readers: Which jobs do you save for your interns?

Chairs, Pushing in

2011-06-20T10:46:00.000-05:00

Librarians should militantly enforce the “pushing in” of recently vacated public chairs in their libraries. As you make your rounds through the library, forcefully bump the chairs against the tables as a passive aggressive warning of your quiet rage for any future potential violators.

Admiration, Secret

2011-06-16T15:31:00.000-05:00

A librarian should never order flowers and have them delivered to him-/herself at the reference desk (unless you want to make your coworkers think that someone actually loves you).

Code, Speaking in

2011-06-15T11:56:00.000-05:00

Librarians should remove all printed library signs from their buildings and replace them with QR codes. This will finally get your patrons to notice your library's “No Cell Phones” policy.

Fines, Charging

2011-06-14T13:49:00.001-05:00

Librarians should charge overdue fines for readers who don’t return their books on time. This is done not so much to penalize delinquent borrowers, but to raise funds for the library staff’s monthly drunken pizza party. Ask the readers: What decadent things does your library do with overdue fine revenues?

Snacks, Sharing

2011-06-10T08:25:00.000-05:00

A librarian should never bring donuts or pastries to share with the office unless s/he is prepared to listen to library coworkers talk about their weight problems while eating said donuts or pastries. Also, a librarian should not bring carrots to share with the office unless s/he is prepared to listen to library coworkers talk about how they’d rather be eating donuts or pastries.

Code, Breaking the

2011-06-09T13:02:00.000-05:00

A librarian who wishes to show his/her rebellious side may choose to do so by subverting the library’s employee dress code. Go crazy and wear your garden Crocs at the reference desk instead of your dress Crocs. Ask the readers: How do you push the limits of your library's dress code?

Up, Cleaning

2011-06-08T10:32:00.000-05:00

If someone vomits in a public area of your library, don’t trouble your janitorial staff to clean it up. Simply burn down the building and start from scratch with a new library.

Loyalty, Database

2011-06-06T14:12:00.001-05:00

A librarian should never commit to one library database vendor/interface. Eventually that vendor will merge with someone else, leaving you with an outdated Wilson Web logo tattooed on your midriff.

Reference desk, Reinventing the

2011-06-03T10:17:00.001-05:00

Libraries should abandon their stuffy old reference desks and seek more creative ways to reach their patrons. Who needs a reference desk when you can have roving librarians wearing “info vests,” riding a “biblio buggy,” or working from a “rolling reference ‘un-desk’”? (Can’t afford a biblio buggy, try the “biblio buggy lite.”) Ask the readers: How would you reinvent the reference desk at your