A Librarian's Guide to Etiquette

Earth, Saving the

2013-04-22T10:57:00.000-05:00

Librarians should celebrate Earth Day by unplugging their libraries' electric staplers.

Bookmobiles, Celebrating

2013-04-17T10:10:00.000-05:00

Librarians should celebrate National Bookmobile Day by going for a joyride in the library's bookmobile. If your library doesn't own a bookmobile, go for a joyride through the reference room on a fully loaded book cart.

Work, Celebrating library

2013-04-16T10:04:00.000-05:00

Library workers should celebrate National Library Workers Day by taking the day off and watching all three The Librarian movies in one sitting. Ask the Readers: Which of The Librarian movies most represents your experience working in a library: The Quest for the Spear, Return to King Solomon's Mines, or Curse of the Judas Chalice?

Viral, Going

2013-02-21T11:43:00.000-06:00

If your library has not produced a [insert meme] video/photo within three days of its inception, you are doing the the profession and the Internet-at-large a disservice.

Readers' advisory, True crime

2013-02-12T11:26:00.000-06:00

Always assume that reference desk patrons who inquire about books on serial killers are themselves potential serial killers; spray them in the eyes with mace or pepper spray.

Ignorance, Feigning

2013-02-04T11:24:00.001-06:00

Librarians should never admit to liking sports, commercial television, or Oreo cookies. If anyone asks you for your opinion about Oreo’s library-themed Super Bowl commercial, feign ignorance and indignantly claim to have been watching Masterpiece Classic's "Downton Abbey" with a cup of decaf herbal tea.

Internet, Mastering the

2013-01-31T10:07:00.000-06:00

Librarians should use their mastery of search algorithms, indexing, and keywords to constantly scour the Internet in search of places to share cat pictures.

Staplers, Honoring fallen

2013-01-29T10:32:00.004-06:00

Librarians should observe a moment of silent reflection every time a stapler is broken at the reference desk.

Conferences, Virtually attending

2013-01-25T09:48:00.005-06:00

If you are unable to attend the ALA Midwinter Meeting, but still want to experience it virtually, just dim the lights in your office, crank down the temperature to 55 F, and spend the day Tweeting non sequitur notes to yourself (e.g., "Lack of consistency in ebook lending policies," or "I wish they would do something about the temperature in these conference rooms.")

Name-Calling, Stopping

2013-01-23T12:04:00.001-06:00

In honor of No Name-Calling Week, librarians should refrain from calling their coworkers names. This positive action will help reduce the negative atmosphere perpetuated by all of the bullies, liars, jerks, perverts, weirdos, geeks, and name-callers who work at your library. Ask the readers: What names will you stop calling your library coworkers for No Name-Calling Week?

Sweater vests, Politicizing

2013-01-17T12:44:00.000-06:00

The American Library Association's Office for Intellectual Freedom is organizing Sweater Vest Sunday at the Midwinter meeting to raise awareness about challenges to intellectual freedom. Conference attendees are encouraged to wear sweater vests to champion citizens' freedom to read. If you do not have a sweater vest, it is perfectly acceptable to fashion one by ripping neck and arm holes into a

Sex, Encouraging library-

2012-12-17T10:34:00.002-06:00

Librarians should encourage their patrons to have sex in the library. Any additional housekeeping costs can be paid for with the advertising revenues you get from the live stream to your library’s security cameras.

Bite, Letting the bedbugs

2012-12-06T14:03:00.001-06:00

The best way to keep your library from becoming infested with bedbugs is to burn the building to the ground and invest all the insurance money into your e-book collection.

Pics, LibGuides Profile

2012-11-30T09:46:00.001-06:00

When constructing a LibGuides profile page, librarians should budget at least one hour for snapping an adequately flattering arm’s-length self-portrait profile picture with a mobile phone camera. If this hour proves fruitless, just use a picture of your cat. Ask the Readers: Do you like your LibGuides profile pic? If so, share a link in the comments below.

Unpopular policies, Introducing

2012-11-08T09:42:00.001-06:00

When introducing unpopular changes in library services, do so with intentionally bad grammar and spelling. Your library’s patrons will be so infuriated and distracted by the mistakes in the sign reading, “Their will now be a $5 fee for you’re use of the libraries staplers,” they won’t protest the policy itself.

Costumes, Library-friendly Halloween

2012-10-30T10:25:00.001-05:00

A cheap Halloween costume idea for librarians is to come to work wearing the uniform from your second job at Starbucks, McDonalds, or Lady Foot Locker.

Teens, Books and

2012-10-25T09:12:00.001-05:00

Librarians can play a pivotal role in getting more teens to like books by redefining video games as "books."

Instruction, Singing

2012-10-19T11:53:00.000-05:00

Library instruction for first-year college students should be participatory and engaging. If you worry that students won't understand your technical terms and language, make your lesson more palatable by setting it to music.

2012-10-18T11:04:00.000-05:00

Librarians should should celebrate Teen Read Week by clearing out all of the books from the library's teen section and using the space to host a real fight-to-the-death Hunger Games. Ask the readers: What would be the grand prize for the teen winner of your library's Hunger Games?

Videos, Teaching with

2012-10-09T10:49:00.003-05:00

Librarians should leave it to professionals to produce their library instructional videos. No one wants to watch your homemade, narrated web casts of EBSCO's Academic Search Complete when better quality productions are available online.

Banned Books Week, Promoting

2012-10-04T09:27:00.001-05:00

Librarians should be wary of abbreviating Banned Books Week as "BBW" in their promotional advertisements, flyers, and signs. (Google it.)

Aww, Things that make you say

2012-10-03T09:31:00.001-05:00

A new Japanese study suggests that viewing photos of cute animals at work may boost productivity. In light of this information, librarians should begin every library committee meeting, instruction class, and reference interview with a ten-minute slideshow of your favorite kitten pics.

Awards, Being nominated for

2012-08-09T09:42:00.000-05:00

It is time once again to post the annual “I Love My Librarian Award” call for nominations at your library. Then, just sit back and wait for the hunky UPS delivery man to nominate you. His nomination will be really tender, and he’ll describe how you inspired him to volunteer at the local adult literacy center. After you win, he’ll be the one to deliver your $5,000 cash award. You’ll treat him to a

Resume, Building your

2012-08-08T09:28:00.000-05:00

If you graduate with your Master’s degree in library science but can’t find work as a professional librarian (due to lack of experience), build yourself a miniature library, fill it with your unsold library school textbooks, and appoint yourself “director.”

Library lingo, Celebrating

2012-07-13T10:42:00.000-05:00

Librarians should speak to their colleagues using highly specialized, technical language. Your masterful use of the library lexicon, using terms like, “EBSCO discovery service,” “MFHD,” and “the 856 field,” should send perplexed patrons and lay listeners rushing in search of a library and information science glossary in the 020s (DDC) or Z1006s (LCHS) of your reference monograph collection. Ask