everything is all right

hold on to whatever will get you through

noreply@blogger.com (undercrisis) — Sat, 22 Jan 2011 17:48:00 +0000

little gems of wisdom from a dinner date and a fruitful conversation, take one.

sometimes we're selling ourselves too short.

there's a saying that goes something like: "you can't expect people to love you if you don't love yourself first." the idea that we don't love our own self seems ludicrous, but deep in our hearts we know it's true.
i don't really love myself, not as i should. i constantly swing between expecting too much that i get disappointed, and going too easy as an extreme reaction to my disappointment. i'm too fat, too lazy, too slow a learner, too uninteresting. too fanatical, too uncaring, too dumb, too ugly. i have lost belief that i can love, and be loved for myself. i would rather remain ignorant and regretful, than be caught staring and seize a moment. i have so much fear in my heart that it has taken over my life.
sometimes knowing is half the battle. but the other half that lies ahead will prove to be much more difficult than the half i've lived through.

-- john mayer, i can't trust myself with loving you

clarity

noreply@blogger.com (undercrisis) — Sun, 10 Oct 2010 16:46:00 +0000

i can't be sure that this state of mind is not of my own design
- john mayer, something's missing

if i had my way, i would spend my life:

waking up at 8. or 10. or 5, then going out for a run, and back to sleep and waking up again at 10.
having leisurely breakfasts.
reading or people watching at a coffee shop.
surf the internet all day.
browse the romance section in bookstores. and after that, maaaayyyyyybe the fiction section.
catch gigs all over. could be big name artists foreign artists, popular local bands, open mic nights that friends recommend, or my own friends.
set up coffee dates with my friends just to catch up.

however, i wasn't born with a bigass trust fund and this means i needed to earn my way through life. and life isn't easy at all; some things we'd rather not deal with are the exact things we have to do. like work. or show up at work. or go for training or skills upgrade. but we have to evolve because we can't always be what we are right now. we always have to get better.

it just occurred to me that a mere three weeks until my exam, i have very little knowledge in my arsenal. and i have to make the exam a priority - along with doing research for a project at work, and training for adidas king of the road, and losing more weight. so this means, letting go of the other things that matter to me but are not as important. if only i could.

when fandoms collide

noreply@blogger.com (undercrisis) — Sun, 19 Sep 2010 15:38:00 +0000

being an only child, i am too used to park myself in front of the computer and spend hours upon hours on the internet without feeling the need for face to face interaction. which is why i think it's easy for me to be interested in things that my family and friends are normally not interested in. or obsess on them too much on my own.

tv's fall season in the us is commencing this week, with most of the shows holding their season premieres over the next five days. how i met your mother is starting off season 6 tomorrow night, and glee (with charice) will be premiering on tuesday (with an early telecast on local cable on wednesday afternoon). but the most anticipated show for me this week is the season two premiere of my current biggest obsession, the 30-minute pop culture-laden college sitcom called community.

i've been a fan of the show ever since i started ~~downloading~~watching the episodes a few weeks into the season. an online friend kept plurking about jeff this and annie that and i was so intrigued that i asked him about it, and he encouraged me to watch. the pilot wasn't my cup of tea for about half the time, but when i got to the last scene and to the john hughes dedication i figured it was worth my time seeing more of it. the next episode sealed the deal. and the show got better and bigger.

over the summer i finally stumbled on a livejournal community for fans like me, and it was the most amazing summer hiatus ever. the fans are a great bunch, and most of the time in good humor, even after the almost polarizing season finale. the best part is that the cast and writers are so approachable on social media that us fans have a feeling of ownership with the show that might not be found in other shows. now that season 2 is a few days away, i just hope that this is the year that my own friends realize how much they're missing from not sharing my obsession this time. but i'm willing to wait them out, because i know they're going to come around when they realize just how brilliant my choice is this time.

drinking is just the way we keep away the cold

noreply@blogger.com (undercrisis) — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 18:53:00 +0000

mum was always telling me that i had super sensitive instincts. i'm not sure if i really believed in that kind of thing or not, but today proved how right mum was to think it.

i had a dinner date with a friend this evening, and obviously that was uppermost in my mind today. and all the while i was also thinking of someone else whom i hadn't seen in a long time, and couldn't help wishing that i would. tonight. the thought that i knew just how likely it would happen (which was not at all) was the one thing that kept me from actually doing anything short of actually begging.

out of the blue, i got a message. from that someone else. and the news that followed that first message had me silently freaking out and i still don't know if it's the good or bad kind. if i believed in signs, i'd have thought that the universe was telling me something in a massive billboard along the highway. but what this was a sign for is anyone's guess because i don't remember asking the universe for signs at all.

you're the only one i want, the only one i need, the only one on my mind all the time.

- ben lee, birthday song

something always brings me back to you

noreply@blogger.com (undercrisis) — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 15:51:00 +0000

Sara Bareilles - Gravity - Live from Abbey Road

this is my new favorite song. because of this i got to see a heart-rending dance from so you think you can dance season 5 (which i totally missed because i didn't even watch the show). more importantly, i discovered this song from a fan video, of all things.

surprisingly, it turned out to be another song with lyrics that pandered to that insanity i just can't let go of. just like hundreds of other mushy, sentimental, angsty, sad songs before it.

you're neither friend or foe though i can't seem to let you go
one thing that i still know is that you're keeping me down

-- sara bareilles, gravity

missing

noreply@blogger.com (undercrisis) — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 17:02:00 +0000

i miss my best friends, the ones whom i can speak freely with and get annoyed with and be afraid of. i guess these friends are one-in-a-million, and i shouldn't really try to find substitutes in other people who i want to get close to. but they're not here anymore, and they're dealing with things that i'm not a part of any longer.

i hate that people don't seem to like me. it's like i'm in this frame of mind that even if i reach out to other people, they don't seem to care about the things i care about. some would say that i'd be better off without them, but these naysayers, have they ever felt rejected?

i've always dreaded the day that i'd be left behind. i don't know what i did wrong, or even if i did do anything wrong. i'm not even sure that what i felt was real, or if i was just grasping at straws. but it still hurts. it still hurts that i still feel so unlovable, and there you go finding someone. it really really sucks. even if we really were not meant to be anything at all. not even friends, it seems.

am i being too demanding? to expect people to come rescue me from my loneliness without me asking for it? maybe i am. but then, who really wants to listen to me anyway? sometimes i just want to give up social networking because it's just driving home the fact that i'm not really connecting with anyone. but i'm just too stubborn. and in a way, i still can't give up hoping. how pathetic.

out of the loop

noreply@blogger.com (undercrisis) — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 16:42:00 +0000

tonight i happened on the blog of an online friend, and she had written about feeling so alone. what surprised me though was how all five comments from five different people described how they more or less had the same feeling themselves.

it's queer how lots of people, despite being surrounded by numerous friends, coworkers, family, or acquaintances, feel so detached from everyone. i guess it isn't enough that we waste our breath chatting about inane subjects, we have to be connected on a much deeper level. and most of the time, the single-and-looking are the ones who sense the loss.

yes, i am somewhat happy that i go my own way (in a manner of speaking), but i can't help but ask why i'm not good enough for someone to want to be with me...

my life is going nowhere, and i don't like it.

i still do not have the guts to take the leap outside my comfort zone, and try to make it without the assurance of a definite career path. instead, i am trying to get back in the swing of things and resuming my exam track. i don't know if i'm just fooling myself, because i'm a little afraid that i've left it too late to start again.

right now i'm looking at possibilities of resuming studies. i mean, what the heck? more studying? haven't i had enough of this? am i just taking the coward's way out? or is this a risk that i don't even believe i can pull off?

ok, when did i start having so little faith in myself?

or is this just laziness?

formspring.me

noreply@blogger.com (undercrisis) — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 08:30:00 +0000

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/undercrisis

diy: reorganizing

noreply@blogger.com (undercrisis) — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 18:42:00 +0000

if there was one thing that ondoy taught me on a more personal level, it's the importance of organization. specifically, it's the need to place everything where they will avoid being flooded. during ondoy, and santi last weekend, i've had to scamper to take files and boxes to higher ground because water was seeping in through the cracks at the floor. i remember thinking i really need to move stuff to new places.

like most family homes, my house is a hodgepodge of old and new, function and sentiment, clutter and more clutter. we also have a peculiar situation where three of us almost literally live in one big family room, and only go out of it to get dressed, go to work, and eat (and most of the time we snack in anyway). so we have to share not only sleeping space but also dresser space and office space. and i, for one, have been having difficulty tearing myself away from that room to study or do anything else but surf on the net. and this is why i'm undertaking the home office project.

i have an actual deadline for this project. my uncles, who come home from abroad every christmastime, are additional users of the bedroom and consequentially, the dresser and "office". i really want to be able to compartmentalize this bedroom in time for their arrival, since obviously they bring in more clutter with them (men are slobs most of the time). but i'm also currently studying for an exam that i'll be taking the week they were due to arrive, and i feel that i need to be able to finish long before that. so i'm giving myself two weeks from today to migrate the office from the dresser to the desk.

the desktop is easier: get the stereo out to get more space, put office supplies in small trays and boxes to keep them together, set up a filing tray. but the more difficult thing is organizing the supplies and file storage, and i have to take into account that my whole family, save for my youngest uncle and me, are all over 50. bending under tables to retrieve something should be minimized. right now i'm looking at some home office websites to help me get started (i just googled "office organizer" and hit on the first 3 blogs i encountered). i've also repurposed this year's starbucks organizer to keep a list of stuff that i'll be moving, stuff that should go together, etc. and i'm hitting the mall tomorrow to look at desk and office organizers, and hoping that i'll be inspired to discover a similar item at home that i could use so i don't have to buy too much.

it's a confusing job, and dealing with chaos is not one of my strong points, but i'm excited. here's hoping i'll be successful.

All The Small Things

noreply@blogger.com (undercrisis) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 05:44:00 +0000

Change, like death and taxes, is inevitable. Millions of years in the future, the earth will die either from the sun's scorching heat as it grows old, or from the freeze when it burns out. But the current rate of climate change is alarming. For years, scientists all over the world have been warning us that the world as we know it is rapidly going down the drain, well ahead of its time. And several events of the recent past have supported that premise, but it's as if it still hasn't sunk fully into our consciousness.

If anything, Typhoon Ondoy (International name: Ketsana) lends us a more tangible and proximate wake-up call. Add to that the devastation of Northern Luzon from the fickle-minded Pepeng (Parma) and we are given front-row seats to what possibly is in our immediate future.

Climate change is a sum of effects. And while some countries certainly have greater contributions, we as individuals are not blameless. What seem like little things we do individually, like throwing out an almost-unused sheet of paper, grows exponentially when more people who have the same mentality do them as well, and do them repeatedly. Let me repeat that: little things add up to big things. That sheet of paper could add up to a whole tree wasted, and that tree would eventually become a whole forest denuded.

On the flipside, we don't have to make a big-ass gesture to save Mother Earth. The little things we do, while not much, becomes significant when we do them repeatedly and consistently and in large numbers. I'm putting here a list of what little things we can do to start off:

1. Cutting corners. Starting with my first sample, I have now been reusing scratch paper for doing my sums. Yes, even scratch paper that has print on both sides. I pick out the ones with good white spaces so I won't be distracted. The rejects, we use in the office as placemats.

2. Brown bagger. Our town of Los Baños has already eschewed the use of plastic bags and is using paper bags even in supermarkets. Boxes are also being used for bigger and bulkier purchases. Some merchants, like our local Panaderia Pantoja, even gives back 1 Peso if you don't use a paper bag for your purchase (and stow your bread in another bag). The good thing about this is that people bring the good habits developed in LB to other places, and the impact gets bigger and bigger. So whenever I can, I refuse plastic bags. I just stow my purchases in my handbag or a reuseable shopping bag if I brought one.

3. Turn it off. Not only are we wasting precious electricity when we leave appliances on, we are also increasing our carbon footprint. Yes, I am guilty of this especially when I'm waiting for Glee to finish downloading. For starters, choosing lights that expend less energy helps. And at least switch on Sleep when watching tv in the middle of the night.

4. Tumbling down. I love going to Starbucks because I save 5 Pesos when I use my tumbler for my drinks. I didn't start out bringing a tumbler everyday, and I still prefer bottled C2 over water, but as I write this I am making a mental promise to put in water in my tumbler instead so that I'll save a lot more money that I'll otherwise spend on softdrink that come in PET bottles or worse, plastic cups.

This list is not nearly enough. In fact, I found another good list here: http://edugreen.teri.res.in/explore/climate/causes.htm and I'm sure others have posted their own lists as well. I wonder, what would you put in your list?

----

This is the first time I've participated in Blog Action Day. I know, I'm late. But it's still October 15th somewhere in the world, isn't it?

realities

noreply@blogger.com (undercrisis) — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 17:53:00 +0000

it's been a week. seven days of being glued to the computer, tv and phone, shocked and sad and thankful all at the same time. of alternating between needing validation and assuaging guilt. of trying. of making excuses. of trying to find the right words, and keeping silent when there are none. of being angry, and realizing the futility. of looking for something more. of making promises. of waiting for the right time.

my personal morality yardstick is caring. and this week, we saw what happens when we don't care enough, but on the other hand we also witnessed what miracles we achieve when we care a lot.

this isn't over. though it will fade as we move on, it will never be over.

eyes wide shut

noreply@blogger.com (undercrisis) — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 16:36:00 +0000

maybe i really have massive blinkers on.

when we (meaning my mum, aunt, two uncles and myself) drove down for a long weekend at nyc, i was not prepared. i didn't have an agenda, except to make sure we not get lost and manage the meet-up with my cousin. i had vague ideas about striking out to get the nyc experience, but i guess i'm too chicken. so when my uncles decided to go out and watch larry carlton perform a set at the famed blue note, i had to go with them if i would ever have something unique to remember of that weekend.

which was not to say i enjoyed every minute of it. i realized i'm not really into instrumentalists, though i appreciate how good they are. i guess music without words don't quite strike that chord within. and to think the only part i really, really enjoyed was when i realized he was playing the lord's prayer and i was the first to recognize it. after that, i had already drunk half a bottle of corona so i was a bit fuzzy.

maybe it was that corona that did it. because after the set, when the lights went on, we discovered we were sharing a table with this spanish guy who was nursing a bottle of red by himself. being the talkaative guy he is, my older uncle chatted up the guy (his name was jorge) and discovered he was a promoter. etc, etc. and i was like, bleh. because i really didn't know how to chat up someone i didn't know, much less a guy, i instead gave off the vibe that i couldn't care one way or the other. when in fact i really, really cared.

i don't remember whether he was hot, or even cute. i don't think i even bothered to look too closely. which now, i realized, is the whole problem. i know i have a defeatist attitude. i've heard that line about people loving people who love themselves. but i honestly don't know how to go past that. because i'm too chicken.

first day high

noreply@blogger.com (undercrisis) — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 13:37:00 +0000

so. in another attempt to pursue unfinished business after, well, finishing graduate school, i am embarking on a four-month journey to a healthier body.

the four months (hopefully a realistic target, since i am much aware of my inability to stick to my gameplan) was not an arbitrary number, although it seems to make a lot of sense since it lasts until the end of the year. my pesky best bud is getting married on the first saturday of january. and not only has he asked me to come together with a bunch of common friends and perform some songs, i was also a lucky secondary sponsor. and i am not going to show up looking like a whale, thank you. which, trust me, is really close to what i look like right now.

i have been thinking about this at length, and this weekend i finally did it. i enrolled in a gym. again. and i had my first session today.

i was enrolled with a gym a long time ago, back when i had my weekly classes at grad school and was ignoring my budget issues. i've always wanted to go back, because i knew badminton alone isn't much help. thankfully, i've found a gym that looks pretty good, closes late on weekdays, is relatively close to home, and much more affordable than my old one. hopefully this time, i can skirt the "too long commute" issue and not make it an excuse.

but losing weight isn't just about stepping up on physical activities, it's also about eating smart. and i think that with some health issues making themselves known, it's time for a lifestyle change. that's something that's a little harder to accomplish, because i hate most vegetables. and i love to eat, full stop. we'll see what will transpire when i go to the doctors.

so here i am, at the beginning of a very interesting four-month journey. i'm sure i'll have many ups and downs, and maybe tons of coffee and pork fat. but here's hoping that i can stick to a challenge of my own making for once in my life.

oh geez.

noreply@blogger.com (undercrisis) — Tue, 19 May 2009 16:09:00 +0000

saw the davids concert last saturday. i was planning on going, a long time ago when david cook has just won ai, but when it was finally happening i lost interest. then i ran across an officemate who was watching, and so i went. ended up staying up until dawn keeping busy because i had to stay out until i could go on the first bus home.

david archuleta is a sweet kid. i still wish he'd grow into his own person really soon, but i have to give the kid some slack since he is just a kid. and i can't fault his singing. it's the stage awkwardness that needs some more work.

on the other hand, david cook is obviously very comfortable performing in front of people. and plus points for performing a fleetwood mac song. klashfopihqkwnfkjhqshjf i love his taste in music.

and little bits of that night led me back to love of fleetwood mac's the dance special.

three, two... one

noreply@blogger.com (undercrisis) — Thu, 07 May 2009 04:48:00 +0000

three people i know showed up in my dream last night.

two of them knew each other.

one of them i thought i'd forgotten, but whom, it seems, i can't get over.

drunk blogging

noreply@blogger.com (undercrisis) — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 15:11:00 +0000

yes, i know i've never done this before because i've never had dsl on my fingertips at times like these. actually, i've never been this drunk and gone home like thisin a long, long time. so this really is a first time for many things.

i went out today to meet a few high school friends, two of whom are twins and whom i've not seen in a long while. it ended up that there were only four of us, and so since we decided to get drunk we did get drunk easily. besides, there weren't many other people in the place we hung out until right before we left. aaaaand, we didn't see any other people we knew until right before we left. so there.

so why am i writing? 1) to prove that i am still coherent after five bottles of red horse. even if i know that i am really drunk.

2) to record that promise i made to both teks and eloisa that we will hold a reunion gig for i.b.ANA (our all-girl band from high school) because our high school's 80th anniversary is coming up. and i know, in my druken state, that everyone involved in that band will want to play. we'll see in the clear light of day whether i'll believe we'll get our 15 minutes.

3) to record the promise i made to eloisa. she told me that if i'm not satisfied with myself, then i should change for myself. we all know that inner pain and wishes rear their heads when tongues are loosened by alcohol. well, my own insecurities made themselves known to all and sundry (or at least, the people within hearing range of my rants.) anyone who's known me personally could probably guess what my primary undesirable trait is. and the problem is, i'm so stuck on that undesirable trait that i'm really not happy, not satisfied with who i am, and i feel unlikeable and hence unable to mature. so eloisa made me promise that i will do something about it, because unless i acted on it i will forever be unsatisfied. actually, some of the credit actually goes to linlin and teks, because they also fleshed out my insecurities. it's just that eloisa was the closer, so there.

4) to prove that i can write legibly and with almost perfect diction and spelling even if i'm drunk.

so who says drunk people only drunk text? we also drunk blog.

i think i'm starting to have a headache.

i'll come driving as fast as wheels can turn

noreply@blogger.com (undercrisis) — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 14:03:00 +0000

in my post-strama to-do list i toyed with the idea of resuming the actuarial track, and i finally took the first step. in another incarnation of the list, i noted another item that needed immediate attention: driving lessons.

after 15 years, i'm finally doing it.

i've finished 6 of the contracted 10 hours of lessons. and i'm proud to have survived slex exit traffic last saturday, and going 60 kph on the national highway yesterday, with no liabilities. all that's left is practice, practice, and more practice. cross-fingers.

this doesn't mean that i'm no longer scared of getting involved in a traffic skirmish, especially if traffic police is involved. *shudder*

theme song: eraserheads, overdrive. linlin and i couldn't help but look at each other when ely sang that very appropriate line during 030709:

plis, plis lang turuan nyo akong mag-drive
gusto kong matutong mag-drive (kahit na wala akong kotse)
gusto kong matutong mag-drive (kahit na walang lisensya)

the mind never rests

noreply@blogger.com (undercrisis) — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 13:58:00 +0000

life is just one long lesson plan.

after the frying pan that was my stint at agsb, today i've jumped into the fire.

actuarial exams are never easy. not when i was still working in a life insurance company. especially not now that i'm working for a non-life company and out of the actuarial circle. but i've been thinking about giving it another shot before giving it up altogether. the exam i'm taking is a much easier topic to wrap the head around than the first exam; besides, my cousin, who's 7 years younger, is taking the same exam and i'm presented with a ready-made study partner.

so here it is. less than 6 weeks till exam day, and loads of topics to study. some i'm more than familiar with, and some i know i really have to put some effort into. but i always was a crammer; and though i hated being one, it seemed the only way i can get anything done.

this is me finally taking charge of my future.

forever would be fine

noreply@blogger.com (undercrisis) — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 07:48:00 +0000

not all was lost.

from the first chord of magasin, to the last stray note of toyang, the eraserheads (plus jazz) gave us the show we've waited 6 months (and 6 years) for. made especially poignant by the passing of a friend and collaborator, the final set (or to be accurate, four final sets) was all us fans could hope for and more.

the energy. the crowd. the shared knowledge, and the new tricks. the hard banging and the smooth sailing. the effort to make this not just a sequel but also an experience in its own right seemed to have paid off.

tease me. buddy, why did you have to run the bassline for the fabulous baker boy (and not sing)? same goes for marcus and combo on the run. hmpf.

versions. huwag mo nang itanong, di ko sasabihin sa 'yo (eh di 'wag.); kailan lounge ( so pretteeeeeeee); and alapaap lite. headspin.

name that tune. i admit that i'm not the biggest eraserheads fan. but my friend lin, who i don't think is as rabid a fan as i am, stumped me by beating me to the title of spoliarium. though i managed to beat her the other five times.

what genius. as the show went on, lin realized just how many eraserheads songs were actually really good. as in non-alienating, radio-friendly good. and because my head was muddled by alternative poser shit, i also just realized, they were good.

it was not a perfect night; for me, it was perilously close to being ruined. but you know what? i don't care anymore. because when ely called out for marcus for the impromptu set, i heard the proverbial click. history was made, and they made it good.

why i wasn't happy at the eraserheads concert

noreply@blogger.com (undercrisis) — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 05:51:00 +0000

make no mistake. i enjoyed the concert last night. really. the music was great, no question about it. and the effort to make this a different show from the last time really paid off.

i just feel shortchanged.

in fact, a lot of us were feeling shortchanged. i was in the silver a area, and when we got to the venue, the people were like sardines. i wouldn't have cared about that too much, because generally the people were pretty decent. but when you can't see shit you have to take issue.

the main culprit is the smart tent (or tents, i might as well include the one further front) put up in the gold area that was right in front of the railings. given that it was close to the exits, so the people in the middle of the field have an unobstructed view. but those close to the edge 1) couldn't see the stage (unless they played hide and seek); 2) could barely see the 4 video walls on top of the stage; and 3) couldn't even view the videowall in the middle which was where we would've watched the concert anyway.

the secondary culprit is the layout of the videowalls. sure, it's inevitable that some people would have a better view in some areas, but surely not to take away from others who paid the same tickets to see only people's heads. and the silver a area where i got to was so narrow that people didn't have much room to move about and see beyond people's heads. i couldn't help comparing it to the rihanna concert with videowalls everywhere. and even if there were a lot of people in our area, we had a lot of room to move around especially in the middle so we wouldn't be stuck at the side and behind a frigging tent. behind the frigging tent would have been fine because we had a good view of a videowall which was mounted at the side. but noooooo.

the clincher? i had friends who were in the bronze section. and they had a better view of a videowall than i did. now tell me, producers, why my ticket was worth one thousand pesos more. i certainly didn't feel the difference got me anything better.

noreply@blogger.com (undercrisis) — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 06:49:00 +0000

i'm trying to curb my spendthrift ways. so when the haagen dazs attendant asked if i'd get the belgian cone, i opted for the regular cone instead.

new year, new life?

noreply@blogger.com (undercrisis) — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 14:30:00 +0000

happy new year!

i have this vague idea that i do not blog about christmases. probably because i'm too busy at that time of the year, and blogging about it in retrospect loses appeal with every day that passes in the new year. i'm not going to mess with that tradition now.

instead, i'll just blog about new years' resolutions. or not. or maybe my aching tummy (crab never agrees with me)... or maybe not that one, either.

oh what the heck. i'm in no mood to be all philosophical and-slash-or witty when i have less than six hours of sleep ahead of me.

besides, we now have dsl at home. i can now blog any-fricking-time i wanted to.

ps. oh, about that new life? horoscope's being very positive about this year's prospects. here's hoping it'll come true, especially since FRICKING BIOLOGICAL CLOCK HAS BEEN MAKING ITS PRESENCE KNOWN. [/rant]

nice dream

noreply@blogger.com (undercrisis) — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 15:36:00 +0000

i've just finished season 3 of how i met your mother. the season ender, miracles, is notable for the mushy stuff: lily, marshall, robin and barney all running to the hospital; ted getting engaged; barney's loves flashing in front of his eyes.

however, there's also the little matter of the soundtrack to ted's accident.

nice dream. by radiohead. from my favouritest album ever.

incidentally, i'm on the bends lss mode. particularly, sulk.

life in mono

noreply@blogger.com (undercrisis) — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 13:13:00 +0000

everything is not all right.

i feel rotten. i ate a piece of cake for merienda but was not satisfied. i want to go out tonight but i feel guilty leaving my aunt and dad to care for my mum. my feelings of being ignored by some people are getting more magnified by the day. i'm trying to write a post for another website but can't seem to get it together. not to mention i've been trying to write this post since forever but couldn't hit on the right note to go on with it.

thing is, my mum is suffering from depression and whenever it happens (it's been off and on for the last 20 years) we're put in a rather delicate situation. now that i'm older, and supposedly more mature, i no longer have an excuse to leave it to the adults - not just the finances, but the daily management of the house and, more importantly, my mum's mental (and emotional) well-being. but all i want to do is hide in my bedroom with my gazillion romance paperbacks and come out when it's all over.

today we had to take her to a dermatologist to have her skin problems checked, and it was somewhat a production. considering that this episode of depression came about from her increasing number of health problems, she was worried that going to another doctor meant another treatment and another type of medicine to remember (which is usually the case). i can't help but get frustrated along with her trying to wrap her head around what needed to be done, when there's so much that needed to be dealt with at the same time.

(and here i stopped being emo and just forced myself to watch some tv. it distracted me a bit, but not much from my food cravings...)

so, anyway, life is rather different for now. other times i might shake my head a little whenever my mum is in hyper mode, but times like these i kinda miss it. almost. and to be quite honest, some of the depression spills over to me. it's pretty hard not to be depressed when you're living with someone who is.

world turning 'round

noreply@blogger.com (undercrisis) — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 16:20:00 +0000

shocking news greeted me the other day as i got on the elevator with several officemates. one of our colleagues passed away the night before due to a heart attack. the guy was just a few years older than me.

it was a sad day for all of us.

i didn't know my officemate that well, but with our office the way it is (geographically speaking), people we know however slightly become fixtures that decorate our lives. i had one game against his team in our bowling tournament last year, yet every time we bump into each other at the pantry, we kept ribbing each other about our game. our ties might not have been as strong as chains, but they're like wisps of cotton that comforts because they're there. and now they're not.

that even mere acquaintances are feeling a keen sense of loss is somewhat a testament to the way he has lived among us. and maybe it is through this loss that god is teaching us what may be lacking in our own personalities. but mostly, i think god is teaching us how to be basically human - reaching out to other people not for any reason other than that they are also people.

god bless you lee van.