There’s not much in the way of movies out at the moment. A famine. A dearth. A sparsity. The ebb and flow of the film industry is in full ebb. It came down to a choice between Sausage Party (absolutely no) and Don’t Breathe. I’d heard Don’t Breathe was good; the internet doesn’t lie.

The preamble was very pleasant. We’d enjoyed a nice dinner with some really good friends, lots of laughs, threw some insults around at each other. The usual. After, we headed up towards screen 15 in Cineworld, one of the smaller screens that none of us had been in before. On the way we passed the concession stand, where a small group of loud lads were gathered, buying their Pick ‘n’ Mix. “I hope they’re not in our screen,” I lamented, fully expecting that they would be. Especially since I’d just hoped for that, and the world loves to fuck me. We’d all had a hard week, we were tired and just looking to enjoy a Friday evening out. We hadn’t seen each other in too long.

Sitting down in the screen, it wasn’t too long before I was wishing to replace the entire audience with the rowdy lads.

We sat in our assigned seats, one with an aisle seat as always. Behind us sat a young couple, either newly in love or just on the young side considering the level of touching that was involved. He sat with his arm around her, his grey jersey shorts revealing bare legs on a night that didn’t have the weather for it. He had his feet on the chair in front of him, one of ours. He removed them as we sat down but it wasn’t too long before Simon was having the full 4d experience between the constant chair-kicking jump-scares and the constant running commentary. Strike one.

Next came their neighbours, two seats down. In arrived security – there’s a first for everything, as they say. We’re regular cinema-goers, each with our own Cineworld ‘black’ cards. This wasn’t our first rodeo, but it was the first that involved security and a belligerent couple bent on keeping their Heineken and pint of Blue WKD, despite cinema policy and the fact that they were in glasses. After a verbal disagreement, he downed his pint (he’d fucking paid for it, you know) and security fetched a plastic cup for the WKD.

The trailers are just starting. Not long now, we consoled ourselves. It’s only 88 minutes long. It’ll be over soon and we can go home.

Two guys sat down in front of me, after a fight over who’s sitting where conducted entirely under their breath. Next thing we’re being olfactorily assaulted by the packet of cheese and onion crisps he’s snuck in. Appalled, I did what any sane person does and I took to Twitter to Tweet my indignation. He’s going to hell, I exclaimed. Surely. Shortly after, his boyfriend joined him on his trip to hell after he removed his shoes and placed his besocked feet on the chair in front of him. Who does that?

Bear in mind: the trailers have barely started at this point. The lights haven’t even dimmed. All four of us agree this was a bad idea. Let’s never come to the cinema this late or on a Friday again, we agree. We’re more used to a 7pm Tuesday evening crowd.

Shh, the film’s starting. It’s all uphill from now. No really, shhh. Why aren’t you shushing? Why are you getting louder? The cinema is no place to chat. What is happening?

The film rolls. the setting. The character development. The backstory. We’re introduced to three characters. A girl, her douche boyfriend, and the guy who’s secretly in love with her but she’ll never see him like that because he’s, like, totally stuck in the Friend Zone. They’re small-time thieves. Modern-day Robin Hoodies, stealing from the rich to give to themselves: the poor. If only they could steal money and head to California, away from this place forever. All three of them. It’ll be great. The girl will even bring her sister/daughter, it’s never really established which. They’ll just do one last job. They’ll hit this house in an abandoned neighbourhood. The home of an Iraq veteran, blinded in action, sitting on a 6-figure settlement from the vehicular manslaughter of his daughter. They’ll break in, steal his money and get out. Anything over 10,000 is grand larceny you guys, exclaims Friend Zone. shut up Friend Zone you’re going to ruin the movie with your frankly sensible attitude.

Heineken gets up for the first time. “I’m sorry, sorry, sorry,” he says in that whisper that’s not actually any quieter than normal volume. I mean I’m not surprised he needs to pee. He’s just downed a whole pint.

In swans another couple. The guy’s got his phone on, pointed towards the crowd, directed straight in our faces. Honestly, people who do this are the worst. Just don’t; don’t do it. If you’re going to arrive 20 minutes late to a movie, be fucking considerate. Don’t try find your seat. Find ANY seat. Any seat that is the closest to where you come in so you don’t disturb anyone. Don’t come in the front, shine your phone screen directly at everyone in the theatre and proceed to sit mid-row at the very back.

So far it’s all very bland, run of the mill modern home invasion movie. They drug the guard dog, break in, take off their shoes – gotta stay quiet, yo -,  gas the blind guy so he stays asleep, and proceed to break into the basement, which lies behind a heavily bolted door so that must be where he keeps his money. Who doesn’t keep their money in the basement? Oh no, they can’t break the lock. Oh great Douchebag brought a gun. Oh no. No no, wait, douchebag brought a gun! That means he just gave Blind Guy the right to shoot them dead, Friend Zone helpfully tells us. There’s nothing I love more than characters who helpfully explain plot points to the audience. He’s out, he’s done. He doesn’t want part of this.

“Who’s there?”

Oh no! The gas didn’t knock him out! Shocking!

“Oh! Jesus! Oh! Jesus!”, exclaims Cheese and Onion, obviously having never seen a film before.

Douche Bag is caught. It’s over for Douche Bag. “How many of you are there?” “Just me, just me. I know what you’ve got in that basement!” After a tussle Douche Bag is shot. Shot dead. he bleeds out while The Girl hides in the closet, covering her mouth (it’s called Don’t Breathe, remember, it’s important to hammer that home). Blind Guy heads towards the closet, removes a fake bit of wall, keys in a passcode to a safe (which helpfully flashes on the keypad after he enters it) and checks that his money is safe. Still there. You mean the money wasn’t in the heavily-locked basement? What else could be down there?

Blind Guy proceeds to lock the house up, and board up the broken window, sealing them inside and preventing Friend Zone from making his escape. He’s surprisingly handy at DIY considering his reduced capacity for sight. Douche bBag is dead, it’s just The Girl and Friend Zone now. He makes his way back to her, she grabs the money from the safe – so great that the number flashed on the keypad, right?

Blind Guy finds the shoes – remember that important plot point? Oh no, there’s more than one pair. Douche Bag was lying! The little scamp.

What proceeds for the next 40 minutes is a boring, formulaic home invasion movie, devoid of any real scares, shoehorned plot points that don’t feel at all organic. But it’s fine, it’s grand. The company sucks, the movie is dumb. But at least it’s just dumb.

Until.

Until it happens, and of course it happens. Of course the young girl who killed his daughter is tied up in the basement, Fritzl-style. I mean, of course. It wouldn’t make sense at all for that to not be the case. What would be his motivation otherwise? The Girl and Friend Zone try to rescue Manslaughter and are just about escaped and BANG – “Oh! Jesus! Oh! Jesus!”, continues Cheese and Onion’s commentary – Manslaughter is dead.”Oh no,” Blind Guy weeps, “no no my baby no no.” The lights are off. It’s fully dark now. The Girl and Friend Zone are on the run in the pitch-dark basement with Blind Guy after them. He, of course, knows his way around. They’re split up, scared – although comparatively not as scared as Cheese and Onion – and they can’t see. They escape the basement but the dog there waiting. Shit. The drugs wore off. He’s after The Girl, who is now escaping through AC ducts while Friend Zone is flung through a window and left for dead. Next thing you know, the girl wakes up, tied up where Manslaughter was before, Blind Guy Fritzl approaching her with a turkey baster filled with semen, as he explains he’s not a molester and will let her go after a mere 9 months. I wish I was joking. Honestly, I do. People are laughing at this point. We’re not laughing. We’re horrified. It’s gone beyond torture porn at this point. It’s not what we signed up for. There’s no need for this plot. It adds absolutely nothing to the film. It was dumb before, it’s disgusting now. I’m out. We’re all out. We’re just praying for it to end. Nobody in the cinema is particularly enjoying it now. The laughs are more frequent. They’re unintentional. Some people are loudly guessing the rest of the plot – The dog! The Girl escapes! Friend Zonedies! Blind Guy is dead, a hammer to the head is his demise (or is it? Hello, sequel!). The Girl heads to California with her sister-daughter, and it ends. Ends finally. We all make a run for the door, out into the night. At least that’s behind us.

I apologise to the rest of my party. The movie was my fault. I was lead by the internet. It said it was good. It doesn’t lie.

Except it does. It lies, a lot. The film sits at 78% on Rotten Tomatoes, a very respectable score. 78% for what ended up as one of the worst experiences of my life. It should have 0%. It’s a horrendous movie. It should never have been made. The torture porn genre was supposed to have died with the Human Centipede 2. I’m hoping this isn’t its comeback.

Don’t Breathe: Don’t see.

It started with a Tweet that made me channel my inner Carrie Bradshaw and get to thinking. Get to thinking about life, lovers, and most importantly: the fact that TV hasn’t been this consistently good in (my) living memory. If workplace water-coolers could talk, they’d tell you to greater appreciate their life-giving contents but also that there’s more and more must-see TV every day. They’d tell you that the next Sopranos or The West Wing is lurking just around the corner to suck 42 minutes out of your life weekly.

I’m increasingly excited about TV every year as I see storytelling and delivery boundaries being pushed further than before, and TV becoming increasingly representative and diverse. Shows like Jane the Virgin, Scandal, Fresh off the Boat, Orange is the New Black, and Transparent are game-changers for the LGBT community, women, and people of colour. They’re also all excellent and deserving of your viewing. 10 years ago, these shows would either not have been made or at the very least wouldn’t have made it past pilot season. TV has changed, changed utterly. And I’m delighted.

I could debate TV for hours. Give me a cup of tea and sit me in front of TV fan, and we’ll be best friends in 5 minutes. Provided they think Buffy the Vampire Slayer is the greatest TV show of all time bar none. Otherwise, we might be mortal enemies and I will have to physically fight them. And to be honest, I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life right now thank you very much.

What gets me reeling about TV is the intricacies of storytelling, the complexities of character, the artfulness of direction and acting. I love it all and I’m very passionate about what I like and what I don’t like, and I don’t hold back on either count. I’m willing to watch almost anything, but I have a very strict 3-strike policy. 3 bad episodes in a row, and I’m gone. I’m out. You’ve lost me.

It may seem harsh but when you watch as many TV shows as I do, sticking with a bad TV just in case there’s a good episode every now and then feels like a colossal waste of time that could be better spent on a decent show. I’ve lost several once-favourites through this policy. The policy was enacted after the Modern Family debacle of 2014. Modern Family was arguably the funniest comedy on TV for quite a while. The show and its stars were (and bizarrely still are?) awards-show darlings. But if we’re really going to talk about Modern Family, we should address the fact that it hasn’t been good since season 2. And I only stopped watching after Season 5. I wasted a good 24+ hours of my life watching mediocre TV. A whole day, just gone. On my deathbed, I will have to live with that fact, but you shouldn’t. So, I’m going to talk you through some great and some good TV from the past few years. Stuff you should definitely be watching right now, and stuff you may have missed along the way.

Let’s get something straight, right off the bat: I’m not going to be recommending things like The Wire and Breaking Bad to you. Simply because I’m bored with them. People love them, I get it. They’re the Greatest TV Shows of All Time, I get it. I get it, but I’m bored. I’m after something more. You’re after something more, I know you are. Something more substantial. Something less Greatest TV Show of All Time, and something more challenging. And this is about stuff that’s currently airing, so shut up.

The likes of Netflix and Amazon are producing some of the most challenging television shows. Where the networks, particularly the cables, were excelling before, these new upstarts are producing increasingly brilliant programming and leaving networks gasping for breath. So where better to start that with the big, new media runaway-hit of the last year, Transparent? It has already become one of the most acclaimed TV shows of all time, mostly for its tender portrayal and sophisticated exploration of the albeit difficult issue of gender identity. What’s brilliant about Transparent is how real it is. You may not be able to actually identify with any of the characters, but the writers, directors, and actors do such an immense job at making you feel everything. Gird your emotions, you will cry. But you’ll also laugh, because that’s the magical spark here. It has lots of charm and fun, despite the heavy subject matter. It’s real. These are real people, living real lives. And we’re privileged to be able to watch.

Netflix’s success can be attributed mostly to its money, but the quality and diversity of the shows they’re willing to make plays no small part. Few of its shows are as diverse and excellent as its flagship effort, Orange is the New Black. Set inside a women’s minimum-security prison, it deals brilliantly with privilege, mental health, feminism, LGBT issues – particularly arresting is its handling of trans issues – and racism. It’s pretty much got it all. It’s got it all, and I’m actually kind of annoyed you haven’t started watching it yet. So, just go do that. I’ll be here when you get back.

If you’re looking for straight-up comedy, you’re looking for Veep, 2015’s Emmy winner. Now in its fourth season, the show is helmed by the unequalled Julia Louis-Dreyfus in her best role since Elaine. Julia has won 4 Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series Emmy awards on the trot. If that’s not the biggest endorsement I can give it I don’t know what is. It’s political satire made by political satire’s finest: Armando Iannucci. So, really, you can’t go very wrong. It also features excellent support from Tony Hale and Anna Chlumsky (My Girl from My Girl). If strong, female-led, swear-ridden comedy is your jam, then bop away to Veep’s sick beats.

So terrible people doing terrible things to other terrible people is your thing? You can find that in the It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia section. I’ve harped on about this show before. It’s the most underrated comedy on TV, probably ever. And Kaitlin Olson is the most underrated comedy actress of all time. The series follows 4, um, friends and Frank (Danny DeVito) as they are generally horrible, horrible people to each other and everyone around them. Just watch it, dickbags.

Sorry about the dickbags thing. Sue me. But know that if you do sue me, I’m going to get Alicia Florrick to represent me and she’ll kick your ass. Yeah, suck it loser. Suck it, and watch The Good Wife. Watch as she navigates the legal world after a period of absence, having found out she has a VERY bad husband and two, if we’re honest, shitty kids. It’s awesome. For the first few seasons anyway, it kind of gets a bit slow here and there around season 5 or 6. But there’s a solid 4 seasons of pure, totally unadulterated, mostly adult D R A M A to get through before you hit that rough patch. See you on the other side. Objection! Calls for speculation!

Look, we have to talk about some great animated stuff that’s going on right now. Two in particular. The first is best described as the queer space opera of your dreams. If that doesn’t make you want to shout “PLEASE TELL ME MORE, CIARÁN” then we can consider this friendship officially terminated. I’m talking about Steven Universe. It’s got magic and adventure and songs and wonderful characters. It’s everything you could need and more. Plus the episodes run at only 11 minutes long.

The second is Bob’s Burgers. I have to admit, I watched the first episode of Bob’s when it aired first and I didn’t enjoy it. It was okay, but I just thought it wasn’t for me. Then the whole Tina Belcher thing happened on the internet and I decided that she spoke both to and for me and I’d have to give it another shot. 93 episodes later, here we are. I’m not joking when I say that Bob’s features the most realistic portrayal of a family I’ve ever seen. What’s lovely to see is how much the parents support each other. Bob and Linda (holla!) are madly in love. And they each love their kids differently but totally equally. It’s sweet, it’s hilarious, and Linda if you’re listening can you be my mom please?

If I had a memoir, it’d probably be called Broad City is Bae: The Collected Works of Ciarán Reinhardt. If you prefer your TV served with a hearty slab of feminism and a side a YAAAAS QUEEEEEN, this one’s for you. Think about to your 20s. You were/are an absolute weirdo, right? You made/make terrible decisions and had/have the most insatiable optimism. Broad City captures that in 22 minutes every week. It’s what you’d expect and want Girls to be. Its weirdness runs deep. Real deep. Almost as deep as its humour. Put it to you this way, you’ll spend ½ of your time laughing and the other ½ saying things like “what does that mean? What did she say? Oh my god, she can’t be… oh she’s doing it. It’s really happening.”

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a TV show in possession of an actor as excellent as Tatiana Maslany must be in want of good awards-show fortune. Alas, that is not the case with Orphan Black, a show that has managed to capture an audience so immensely yet evade the deserved glory of top-tier awards. It is a powerful shame that Tatiana Maslany’s shelves aren’t collapsing under the weight of all the Golden Globes and Emmys. Her portrayal of several characters is one of the most accomplished feats of acting I’ve ever seen. Each character is so individual, you forget that it is the same actor. And that, coupled with some brilliant sci-fi drama, will have us glued to our TV sets for (hopefully) years to come.

If it’s a bit of turn-your-brain-off kind of fun you’re after, look no further than newly-premiered Quantico. Is it great? Absolutely not. It’s basically trash. But it’s good. Okay, it’s good enough. Okay, it’s exciting and it’s full of very beautiful people and lots of sexual tension and sexy intrigue. What’s not to like?

If you thought that Ryan Murphy was just being greedy by having so many TV shows on at once, you’d be correct. But he gets it right some of the time, so we’ll forgive him for his misdeeds (we will never forgive him). American Horror Story has been weak since its second season. No other season has reached the heights of season one. And this season is its most objectionable season yet. I turned off after two episodes. I was very close to not watching past the first episode of his new show, Scream Queens, but I decided to give it another shot. The pilot is absolutely awful. I’d almost consider telling you to skip it, but it’s important exposition. If you can get past that, you’re on to a very funny, twist-and-turn comedy-horror that’s very worthy of your time.

There you have it. This is just the tip of my TV-watching iceberg, though. Again, I will honestly give anything a go. Come at me with your favourites. I’ve had to print out a schedule so that I can fit my life around what shows are airing and when. I wish that was a joke. But it’s not. And I’ll just have to live with that sad fact.

They’re actually just rude, really, if you think about it.

I’m not completely adverse to liking surprises, don’t get me wrong. I don’t go out of my way to not like them. In fact, I’ve enjoyed several gifts throughout my life that were complete surprises. I remember getting Mouse Trap when I was 7 years old as a surprise and it’s still one of the best gifts I’ve ever gotten. I’d seen the ads for it, longing after the satisfaction of setting up the simple Rube Goldberg machine and watching it unfold. I didn’t even ask for it, even though I desperately wanted it. It was awesome. I like Kinder Surprise, too. I even sometimes enjoy running into an old friend I haven’t seen in an age randomly on the streets of Dublin and deciding to go for a quick coffee or a pint to catch up. What I don’t enjoy are the ones that put me on the back foot, scrambling to react the way that’s expected of me. That’s where me and surprises start to fall out.

No.

Look, I’m a very organised person, okay? I make lists. I clean methodically. I put washing onto the clothes horse in a regimented way. I have a system. I make plans. And I’d much rather everything stay as I planned, thanks.

I don’t like things to change. It makes me anxious and I panic, and then I don’t want to do it at all. I’d rather everything go as was originally planned, or just cancel it altogether. Not doing something is the easier option for me. Not doing something means I’m in my normal routine. Not doing something means there’s no surprises. It’s the safe option.

A lot of people see this as me throwing my toys out of the pram like a bold child because I’m not getting my own way, but really it’s nothing to do with that. I can follow other people’s plans with no issue at all. The problems start when the plan changes suddenly, even a small bit. Then we’re just hurtling into the unknown. The whole thing is pregnant with surprise and I don’t know what to expect, so I can’t be prepared and I panic.

I panic and then I cancel everything, like a spoiled child. Wait, what was I saying about not being a child again?

Children are supposed to love surprises because children are emotional messes. They’re pretty much always a hair’s breadth away from either hysterical laughing or crying. They’re unstable. I was not one of those types of children, however. I didn’t wear my emotions on my sleeve. No, I bottled them up inside and crushed them smaller and smaller until they were practically non-existent like a goddamn normal person. I still do this. I mean, I get it, I’m stunted or whatever, but it’s just how I cope. I’ve gotten better, but even now I barely talk about things that upset or annoy me. Emotions have no place in my plans, because emotions are basically an open window for surprises to blow through.

This is what actual hell looks like. Why is he smiling?

Surprise gifts. Now they’re a whole other ballgame altogether. Apart from the obvious, another big problem I have with surprise gifts is that I don’t really like stuff. I don’t collect anything, I don’t really have any hobbies that need things, and anything I do need I buy myself. I just don’t want things. I’ve no room for them and I hate clutter. So surprise gifts generally end up being stuff I don’t actually want, and I find it hard to hide that.

I was the child who, on Christmas morning, woke earlier than anyone else in order to sneak downstairs to see what Santa had left. I mean I made Christmas lists like everyone else, I ballpark knew what to expect. But because I didn’t buy them myself or see them being wrapped, I didn’t know exactly what was coming. Anything could be down there. Santa’s judgemental as fuck and he’s always watching. Was I good enough for the bike? Did he see me that time I stuck my middle finger up at my mam behind her back? Did he know I didn’t do my homework? Could it be coal? I hear he gives coal to crappy  kids like me. Sneaking downstairs wasn’t because I was so excited to see what I got from my list, it wasn’t that I couldn’t wait for everyone else to wake. No, it was to prepare myself. Prepare myself to be really excited no matter the outcome. If I knew what to expect, I could be prepared. Even if I didn’t get what I wanted and the bastard really had left me coal, I could at least pretend to make a happy reaction in front of my family.

Maybe I hate joy. Maybe I’m too controlling. Maybe I’m too organised and that’s really why I hate it when plans change too much. But maybe also shut up and leave me alone in my surpriseless misery. Look, let’s be honest I’m a serial flake and I probably wasn’t really planning on doing that thing in the first place and I just said I would do it to make you happy. So, I’m basically the worst.

We’ll go for that coffee sometime, yeah?

Socks and underwear on the bottom, followed by t-shirts, then jumpers, spaced out depending on thickness of fabric. In case you were wondering.

While technically not part of the Dark Souls series (Dark Souls 3 is coming next year), Bloodborne is undoubtedly a part of the collection of games that started with Demon’s Souls on the Playstation 3, which Hidetaka Miyazaki introduced when he took the reins for Demon’s Souls.

Demon’s Souls was lagging behind in development and needed something to energise it. Miyazaki used the opportunity to grasp a major theme in the Souls series and revitalise the project: success born from failure. In a study reviewing innovation in several fields and corporations, Professor Frederick Crane from the Northeastern University School of Business warns, “…successful innovation requires that fear be removed from the corporation… Moreover, it must be communicated that failure is not a negative construct but, in fact, simply part of innovation.”

Dark Souls 1 and Dark Souls II followed shortly after, with Miyazaki taking directorial duties for Dark Souls and allowing another developer head the work for Dark Souls 2. Miyazaki had other plans… an exclusive Sony platform game codenamed “Project Beast.”

Bloodborne took the precision and punishment that made the combat in –Souls games so popular, and threw away the shield. The only shield in the game, a Wooden Shield, has this condescending text attached to it: “Shields are nice, but not if they engender passivity.”

The Old Hunters seeks to bring more of the same, encouraging players to be aggressive and seek out challenges, instead of hunkering down in safety. A new covenant is being released for public use, even if you don’t buy the expansion, you’ll get access to the new feature. It supposedly allows for more cooperative play, connecting players who need help beating a boss or area with more experienced players willing to offer their help.

Previous –Souls games had a similar kind of covenant. Often, the player would be rewarded for helping other players beat bosses, unlocking spells that only highly ranked players in that covenant could wield. Other perks included your phantom, the avatar that is summoned to other player’s games, to be colored with a golden hue rather than a plain white one—to show that you’re in it to win it.

The downloadable content for –Souls series games is often considered the highlight. Mike Rougeau writes on Kotaku, “Dark Souls II‘s three expansions are a wonderful culmination of everything From Software has learned about making Souls games.” It often bridges the gaps that players find or FromSoftware discovers after the release, not replacing bug-fixing patches or updates, but filling in the slots.

Dark Souls II made an even bigger difference. Its DLC changed enemy placement in the normal game worlds, while adding in variable ways to approach the game so even veteran players had a fresher experience. The –Souls games feature new game+, a way of playing through the game for a second (or third, or fourth) time while retaining your final state’s stats and armory. The difficulty is usually increased to maintain a challenge, and in Dark Souls II, the over world changed with new game+, which was a departure from Dark Souls 1. FromSoftware knows how to keep the player guessing.

And hopefully, with Miyazaki running the place now, they’ll keep everyone poised for something new.

She rose from her bed and moved to the window, the bedclothes trailing behind her across the bare wooden boards. The window looked out onto the dark laneway below, a darkness so thick it seemed to breathe; expanding and contracting up and down the walls of the alley. Lucy peered out into the black. The black peered back into Lucy. She drew back from the window uneasily. She decided she would never be able to sleep in this room.

She opened her bedroom door and stepped out into the unfamiliar hallway. There must be a more suitable room around here. She moved along the hall trying the doors as she went. Of the few that weren’t locked, most had been cleared of their furniture. Others hid their contents under huge dust sheets and she did not dare try to remove them at this late hour. As she approached the end of corridor she began to resolve herself to a night of sleeplessness in her draughty room. She came to the last door in the hall. Presuming it to be locked, she was surprised when the door yielded as she turned the handle.

She was immediately struck by how warm the room was as she entered. Against one wall stood an ornate four-poster bed faced by a beautifully-carved dressing table. This was very much cosier than her original room. She would have to have words with her host the following morning as to why she wasn’t appointed this room on her arrival. She took a moment to admire how exquisitely decorated the room was before climbing up onto the bed. It was only a matter of minutes before the warmth of the room and the softness of the bed pulled her down into a deep sleep.

Through the window he marked how otherworldly she was. How her pearlescent skin shone in the moonlight. The way her auburn hair fell on the pillow around her head. Her nightclothes had shifted in her sleep to expose one pale breast. He pressed gently against the glass and stepped noiselessly into the room. Gliding across the floor he was at her side in a moment. He leaned in close and inhaled her scent. She was intoxicating. Despite his many centuries, he remembered the aspect, the smell, the taste of every last one of them, yet he struggled to remember one as beautiful or as delicate as she was.

He ran his finger along her cheek, feeling the warmth of her skin. She murmured as her eyes slowly opened. As she came around to consciousness, he swept her up into his arms. His grip was tender, but inescapable. She took in every detail of his face as he held her firm. His strong square jaw, cropped jet black hair, his steely grey eyes. She knew that she should be afraid, but her mind and her heart were at odds and she felt strangely serene in his arms. He leaned close to her face and she savoured the anticipation. He hovered for what seemed like an eternity. She yearned for him. She needed every bit of him. When he finally kissed her, her whole body shuddered with the release of her yearning.

He pulled away from the kiss and cradled her head. He slid his tongue the length of her neck and she tensed beneath him. He could wait no longer. He craved her. His vision blurred as it he allowed it to wash over him. His teeth sharpened. He whipped his head back, hissing. His grip tightened and he plunged his fangs into the soft white flesh of her throat.

The seduction over, she was suddenly afraid. She thrashed against him. She groped around the bed. Where was it? Where did she leave it? Her panic abated slightly as her hand closed around it. She didn’t have long. Seconds at most. Her vision began to grow dim. The feeling of ice in her veins crept up from her toes. She gasped. With the last bit of life in her body, the last ounce of her strength, she pressed send on an extremely damning AirBnB review. One star. “Would not stay again”.

Ariel

Aurora

Belle

Cinderella

Jasmine

Merida

Mulan

Pocahontas

Rapunzel

Snow White

Tiana

Ahh… classic.

It rarely makes any sense; it’s laughable, even. There’s at least two films in there. I mean, I can see where Trank was coming from with his (now deleted) Tweet. He probably did have a somewhat better film a year ago. But realistically it’s his own fault for what it is now. If the studio wouldn’t let him make the movie he wanted, he should have left the project. He should have been more outspoken about it at the time. His integrity should have been worth more than a pay cheque. He shouldn’t have waited for the bad reviews to come in only to then throw his toys out of his pram. He just looks like a big cry-baby now, and nobody feels sorry for him. And he’s ruined any chance he had of working with those people again. Or maybe at all. He’s probably blacklisted by now. Does Hollywood forget?

Honestly, there’s literally nothing redeeming here. Really.

The story is a hot mess and the dialogue is clunky. “He’s stronger than any of us, but he’s not stronger than all of us.” At no point was that line cut from the script or the film and christ knows why. I had to stop myself screaming “WHAT?” at so many points, I lost count.

The cast is useless. Some critics have praised them, but they’re all honestly 100% forgettable. They have absolutely no chemistry. I don’t believe that Sue and Johnny are siblings whatsoever, they couldn’t be any frostier. They don’t even dislike each other in the way that siblings would. They don’t care at all. I don’t believe Ben and Reed’s friendship. And I certainly don’t believe Sue and Reed are anything but work friends – you know the ones that you get on well with but would definitely cross the street to avoid if you saw them at the weekend. They’re work-fun, not IRL-fun.

Trank’s direction is bland. The ending should have been a spectacle, as is normally the case in superhero movies. I mean, realistically the rest of the film is building up to our heroes triumphing over the Big Bad and we’ll all say “Yay!” and leave satisfied that they, once again, save the day. Go, heroes!

However, at this point in the film, I honestly couldn’t care less whether the heroes or the villain wins, I just want it to be over. At this point you’ve probably guessed that the ending is anything but a spectacle, and you’d be right. It’s tedious and mundane. There’s nothing satisfying about the climatic fight scene. It’s repetitive and lifeless.

Afterwards, we’re treated to a post-fight wrap-up whereby the government gives them a fully-staffed facility in which to make science happen with absolutely no oversight. Okay they saved the world, but it was their fault the world needed saving in the first place. “It was your bad, drunken choices that got us into this mess in the first place, but sure, have your very own science facility, we good we good.” COME ON!

It’s then suggested the four of them should have a name now. “It’s fantastic”, Ben says near the end.

Thank god it ends.

Ultimately ruled as accidental, the circumstances surrounding her untimely death are mysterious. Elisa was found drowned in a water tank on the roof of the Hotel Cecil in California, however, a disturbing elevator surveillance video of her allegedly taken right before her death shows bizarre behaviour that still remains unexplained. Some have said it was due to the girl’s bipolar disorder, others allege that it was drug use, and some even cite paranormal involvement. The latter theory, we’ll assume, is where Murphy will be taking his inspiration.

Perhaps most interesting, and pertinent to the show, is the Hotel Cecil’s shady past. The hotel, since rebranded as Stay on Main, has reportedly housed several serial killers throughout its history including Richard Ramirez in 1985 and Jack Unterweger in 1991. Perhaps most interestingly, Elizabeth Short, a.k.a. The Black Dahlia, was last seen at the hotel before her murder in 1947. Murphy revealed recently that all seasons of American Horror Story are set in the same universe, so this would give Hotel a pretty cool connection to Season 1’s Haunted House – where, if you remember, Mena Suvari played her.

At the press conference, several of the characters from the upcoming season were also teased. Lady Gaga’s character was revealed as Elizabeth, the hotel’s owner and a “very wealthy social doyenne who is consumed with art and fashion and people and she has a nefarious plan that is revealed in the first episode and plays out over the course of the season.” Sarah Paulson is back to play Sally, a drug addict who lives at the hotel. Angela Bassett is playing an actress (I’m guessing Bassett’s terrible/hammy acting abilities will come in handy for this character) who doesn’t live at the hotel, but frequents it a lot and has a relationship with Elizabeth. Kathy Bates plays Iris, who runs the hotel. Other returning actors include Chloë Sevigny, Matt Bomer, and Finn Wittrock (yay!). However, Murphy also revealed that mid-way through the season will see the return of some familiar faces from previous seasons so I’m sure we’ll probably see the likes of Taissa Farmiga, Jamie Brewer, and yes Jessica Lange.

All in all, I’m pretty excited to see how this season pans out. What’s been severely lacking overall since Season 1 is the horror, the scares, the creepiness. This season’s setting gives way for all that to come back. Stuck in a haunted hotel? That’s the stuff of nightmares. Let’s be having you!

American Horror Story: Hotel starts on October 7th on FX.

It all begins with our protagonist’s, Riley, birth, and the beginning of her five core emotions: Joy (Amy Poehler), Sadness (Phyllis Smith), Disgust (Mindy Kaling), Fear (Bill Hader), and Anger (Lewis Black). Riley’s dominant emotion is Joy. Joy is running the show from the command centre of Riley’s brain. There’s no fancy frills here. No talking cars. Nothing. It’s pure emotions. Pure, anthropomorphised emotions.

The movie tackles a very difficult subject matter, that being the complexity of human emotions, with aplomb. What makes this movie successful above all else is how clever it is. Riley’s consciousness is a wonder, a magical place filled with complex and interesting things and places. From the core memory “islands” that are defining features of her personality, hockey, goofiness, family, friends, and honesty, through the psychology references and dream centre, all the way to the literal Train of Thought.

The movie establishes itself with breakneck speed. It doesn’t really hang around explaining things to you. The story is simple and cute but it’s not the most interesting part of this film. As with all great Pixar movies, it is the characters that are the driving force behind its success. The emotions are universal to everyone but seem unique to Riley throughout. Riley has a personality that is distinct from the other humans in the film, yet her experiences and how she handles them are so relatable to everyone.

The sharp wit and contrasting heart-wrenching moments (it’s Pixar, of course they’re going to make you cry) are masterfully handled. The film is much better balanced in its happy/sad factor than many other Pixar movies have been lately (here’s looking at you Toy Story 3 and Up).

Much of the film is set outside of the command centre of Riley’s mind with Joy and Sadness (and an imaginary friend called Bing Bong) as they traverse the wild of her conscious and subconscious. Both Amy Poehler and Phyllis Smith give so much to these characters. It feels like their voices were made to play them. The interplay between all the emotions is wonderful and we get real insight into the inner workings of a person’s mind.

Inside Out feels so honest because it feels so much. It carries a very big message about the human emotional experience, that we need all our emotions to be whole. And sometimes it’s okay to feel sad, you know?

For anyone who has played any MGS games before, they’ll know that microtransations are a new addition to the gaming franchise. On almost every level, we disagree with microtransactions. But we are especially against games which rely on microtransations for progression. That is beyond unfair and dishonest, given that the player has probably already paid retail price for the game. We can almost – almost – live with games in which microtransations do not play a vital role; those games where things you can buy are also available (without restrictions) to players who do not buy them. The developers of MGS have steadfastly assured us that their microtransation policy in-game will be balanced and fair with or without them. So we’ll take them at their word… for now.

“While it is true that a few microtransactions option due exists, the entire game has been carefully balanced to be fair and enjoyable with or without using these options. There’s no pay to win option. Rest assured that every single item, weapon, and mission in the game is available to all players without paying a single cent.”

“However, due to the sheer scale of the game and the time required to explore it all, microtransactions were added as a completely optional feature for players who might not be able to spend as much time with the game, nothing more, nothing less.”

The video also gives us a comprehensive look at the buddy system, some side missions, its dynamic weather feature, and many other new additions. Konami added that there would be more information about this in the future. So I guess it’s a case of “watch this space”.

Metal Gear Solid: The Phantom Pain launches worldwide on September 1 for Xbox One, PlayStation 4, and PC.

I’m calling it and he’s only just dropped his first single. I’m calling it and he’s only just played his first headline gig at The Garage, Islington. But with a voice that makes you sit up and really listen laid over pop bangers like this, it’d be stupid not to.

Jack Morgan is a 20 year old singer-songwriter from East London, one if my favourite places in the world. A part of the world with a rich artistic and musical tapestry. A place I’ve been watching for years, because anyone who’s anyone is coming from there.

Jack started writing songs at 15 and spent the past 5 years honing his craft and perfecting his work. His influences range from Prince to Justin Timberlake. You could definitely draw comparisons to both, but it’d be unfair to Jack to box him off like that. Jack was most affected by Prince’s Musicology and Justin’s Justified and he knew he had his work cut out if he planned on entering an industry with such standards.

“When I was writing my first song Not The Same, I was about 15. I was sat there trying out all these ideas and then I just thought ‘What would Prince do?’ And then it just flowed.”

And flow it did. Jack’s new single ‘All I Do‘ is an absolute banger.  It strides confidently and powerfully into the realms of infectious indie-pop. Richly layered vocals over a disgracefully brilliant hook makes for a tune that he could go all the way with. It’s been sitting on repeat for weeks, and it’s not going away any time soon.

If you haven’t heard of him yet, don’t worry, you will. I’m calling it: Jack Morgan is on the verge of superstardom.

Artist Ryan May has re-imagined several characters from Adventure Time as the Mad Max: Fury Road cast. Finn is Max, Princess Bubblegum is Furiosa, and the Ice King Immortan Joe.

You can buy prints of May’s mashups on his store or through Etsy.

Via io9