We’re off with a samba, danced by Witney & Chehon.- Mary puts Witney on the Hot Tamale Train, Kenny compares her to “Marilyn Monroe in Some Like It Hot, only hotter,” and Chehon is responsible for the first nip slip of the season.

Tiffany & George are next with a sensual, romantic dance by Sonya Tayeh. Sonya wanted them to melt like butter, and they certainly did. Things get awkward when Kenny tells us the piece brought him “back to his youth”, and praised the pair by telling them “they spilled it.” We can only assume he’s reminded of his own sexual encounters with… tapioca pudding?

Janaya & Brandon get Nappy Tabs, who by the looks of it, are going to be welcoming a new little Napster or Tablet into the world very soon. This dance will be remembered as “the alcoholic dance.” Am I the only jerk who was waiting for Janaya to smash the bottle like they showed in the rehearsal clip, only to be disappointed when they didn’t dance on glass shards? Kenny noted that he was glad to see hip hop being used to tell a story- hasn’t he ever heard of the infamously Oscar-snubbed Step Up 3D? Some people have no culture. In reference to Brandon’s choice of the girl over the booze at the end of the dance, Nigel tells us he’d pick Mary Murphy over a bottle of vodka “every time.” This is less believable than the entirely of the now-defunct TomKat marriage.

Alexa & Daniel are introduced with a jazz number. She likes red lipstick, folks! She also appears to suffer brain damage in rehearsal. Both are dressed in solid red with bleached blonde hair, looking like stunt doubles from Britney’s Oops I Did It Again video. This is when I realize I must be watching too much Dance Moms, because I expect every dance to end with the dancers on the ground caressing their faces. Their performances are good but not spectacular.

Amber & Nick chose the Lunesta of dance styles, the Viennese Waltz. Amber “hates sausage” while Nick’s dad works at the Playboy mansion. Sounds these two may be planning an off-campus excursion in the near future! Their choreographer, Jason Gilkison, really cuts into Nick during rehearsal, prompting Nigel to compare him to Abby Lee MilOHMYGOD!

She’s in the audience!!

I can’t believe they let us get halfway through the show without saying anything!

As the shock of the celebrity cameo wears off, Amelia, Will, and Amelia’s butt do the second Nappy Tabs piece that begins and ends in… a dumpster? The story isn’t a commentary on the pro-choice movement, however. It’s more “Lady and the Tramp” meets “Cats” with a dash of Fosse, and the dance heavily features some booty action. The judges predictably make several feline-based puns and predictably make us feel more skeeved out than a young Asian girl stuck in an elevator with Woody Allen.

Janelle & Dareian do an interesting and visceral African Jazz dance that looks like a rave in the jungle. Kenny starts to look dreamy and says the dance took him all over the world from Cuba to Paris to Brazil. Has he been drinking out of Mary’s cup?

Cyrus & Eliana draw a Broadway dance, “Run and Tell That” from Hairspray. One of the lyrics is “the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice”, and Cyrus confirms the metaphor. He’s the robot-y “animator” who has never done choreography before the show, but his giant smile (and equally giant earlobe gauges) sell us on the performance. Eliana ditches the pointe shoes for sneakers and pulls off some impressive acrobatics. Nigel calls her the benchmark for the other girls to try and aspire to.

Audrey & Ryan Gosling Matthew are given a gift better than the shit those dudes gave baby Jesus: Travis Wall. As a dancer, he melted our hearts & saturated our panties. As a choreographer, he can do no wrong. This week’s Titanic-inspired contemporary dance is no expectation. Expect to see it come back in the season finale and on tour, because unlike Steven Segal’s music career (a real thing that actually happened), this one is unforgettable.

Exhibit A- chaise lounge leap of death:

I rest my case. The judges agree- best dance of the night.

Finally, Lindsay (who appears to have been born without an upper lip) and Cole (the ninja, not the Pop My Culture podcast host, although it’s an easy mistake to make) tackle the Paso Doble. The judges lose their shit once again, calling it the best Paso the show has ever seen. Personally, I think it looks more like a battle between Xena: Warrior Princess and Jackie Chan, but I know less about ballroom than I know about ball room. In my pants. Because I’m a girl.

In the comments, tell us which four dancers you think are going home, and let’s also hear who you think will go all the way to the title of America’s Favorite Girl/Guy Dancer! Remember, your guesses can earn you points towards the So You Think You Can Predict victory! It’s like an NCAA bracket, only better since you don’t have to deal with Nancy from HR’s bullshit theories on why God has chosen Gonzaga to be blessed with a trophy. Or whatever.

See you next week!

Full recap of this week’s episode of SYTYCD to come tomorrow, but first, an announcement!

Studies* have shown that 42.6% of the fun in watching reality competition shows is trying to pick the eventual winner. This year, Pop My Culture is proud to further reward your brain’s pleasure centers with So You Think You Can Predict!

There are two ways to claw and scratch your way to the top of the Pop My Culture heap. The show will eliminate one guy and one girl from each week of competition. Then, for the first time in the show’s history, it will bestow the honor of America’s Favorite Dancer to the top male AND female performer. You, dear reader/listener/person who got lost looking for cat videos on the internet, get points from correctly predicting each week’s bottom two, with bonus points awarded for picking the season winners. Admit it: you’re doing it anyway, so you might as well earn something for it! Protip- this philosophy also applies to supermarket reward cards and making sex tapes.  After the season finale, the So You Think You Can Predict Prize of the Century** will be presented to the victor/victoria.

Entering the dance battledome couldn’t be easier! (Actually, it could, but then we would be overrun with rapid chimpanzees and faceless corpses and our insurance company frowns up that.) Post your predictions in the comments section of each week’s SYTYCD recap on popmyculturepodcast.com. Points will be given for correctly naming the dancers who are eliminated on the following show (with partial credit for picking someone who is in the bottom three but is not sent home). You can earn bonus points for correctly predicting the overall season’s winners. Change your answer as often as you want, but only the most recent guesses count, and the earlier you choose your favorites, the bigger the bonus point jackpot.

Are you ready to piqué a winner?

Onward, to the hot tamale train!

-Heather

(*my arbitrary estimations)

(** pending, but will be more awesome than a gaggle of Gryffindors)

Kathleen Rose Perkins (“Episodes”) joins Cole and Vanessa to talk about Adele’s pregnancy, Katie Holmes’ Scientology stalkers, Game of Thrones, John Pankow, musicals, Bristol Palin’s Life is a Tripp, Matt LeBlanc, Alf, 33, dirty It’s A Wonderful Life, One Man Two Guvnors, Diablo Cody’s new movie, Ted Danson, and the longest conversation ever about The Secret of My Success.

Leave your answer to the firsts question (What was the first time you got in trouble and were sent to the Principal’s Office, and what did you do?) on our website for a chance to win a snuggly Pop My Culture T-Shirt!

You know our producer/sound guy who we never let talk and sometimes we’re mean to on the air? Two things- one, Vanessa married him. 2. A short film called “Sold” he wrote and directed was chosen out of over 15,000 to be top 50 in a competition run by Ridley Scott! If he gets voted in the top 10, he goes to Venice to open the Venice Film Festival with his short. If he wins, he gets a 500k grant for a feature. UPDATE: Voting has closed but you can check out the film HERE

Hello PMC fans- this is Heather AKA @HeatherRecently on Twitter (remember me?) welcoming you all back to the recap marathon that is SYTYCD! Can you believe it’s been a year since our TVs have bestowed upon us the joy of Lady Gaga’s flying footwear, Lil C’s lexicon, and Cat Deeley’s cavalcade of costumes? With the auditions and Vegas’ hell week behind us (so long, exorcist man; thanks for coming, alien spaceship girl; back to the studio, dancers whose 15 minutes of fame were reduced to a half-second clip in a brief montage), it’s time to meet this season’s competitors.

Cat, who is herself stunning, struts out in a dress that appears to be inspired by the vomit & glitter-covered floor of a gay bar. Resident judges Mary “I Hope The Hot Tamale Train Is Hauling A Shipment Of Vicodin” Murphy and Nigel “Britain’s Age Of Consent is 16” Lythgoe are joined by actress Zooey Deschanel, but only barely. Zooey is disappointingly bland throughout the show and brings none of the quirk and adorkability she is known for.

We are introduced to the first 4 contemporary dancers via Tyce’s lovely but forgettable choreography. The judges decide not to choose between their two standout female ballroom dancers, so a flirty fun salsa three-way comes out next. Similarly, all three ballet dancers (including a pointe dancer, something we rarely see on the show) were put through to the top 20 and showcased in a powerful piece. Resident twisted bizartist (a word I just made up) Sonya Tayeh is the perfect choreographer for the pair of jazz girls, minus a temporarily ill belly dancer/bacon aficionado who also made the cut. A contemporary hodgepodge of four (including “silent movie” girl and the Ryan Gosling lookalike) perform, and the variety pack of a kung fu artist, a stepper, & a hip hopper/”animator” round out the top 20 in a brilliantly creative baseball themed dance by Christopher Scott.

The show isn’t over yet. The top 10 (well, 9) girls are breathlessly stunning in a Travis Wall dance that will easily join his already impressive list of career highlights. It’s as if Degas, Lars von Trier, and Maya Angelou combined forces, à la the Care Bear Stare, and birthed a pulsating mass of kinetic beauty. Cat summed it up perfectly: ethereal. The boys respond wearing… oversized maternity pants? in a “fierce” performance choreographed by Sonya. She compares the dancers to wolves, but the whole thing has more bark than bite. Then everyone takes the stage for a Mia Michaels routine that is evocative of both Michael Jackson and Men In Black III- in theaters now! There are some interesting moments, but it isn’t her greatest work. The camera cuts to a shot of Mia in the audience where she is almost unrecognizable, looking more like a Diane Keaton stand-in than her usual effervescent and slightly androgynous self. What’s going on with you, girl?

That wraps up this season’s first live show! Who do you think will go all the way, and who will get steamrolled by the Viennese Waltz or dropped like it’s hot in a hip hop routine? Share your thoughts in the comments below, and stay tuned for the announcement of an exciting SYTYCD contest from Pop My Culture!

Jake Fogelnest (MTV’s Squirt TV, VH1′s I Love the 80s) chats will Cole and Vanessa about The Newsroom, Nora Ephron, The Choice, Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, Ann Curry’s firing, the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes split, fictitious bands, Wilford Brimley, fake Studio 60 Twitter accounts, haunting Ryan Seacrest, alien encounters, True Blood and Jake’s fantasy role on Breaking Bad.

Leave your answers to the firsts question (the first Broadway show you ever saw, and what you thought about it) on our website for a chance to win an official super-soft Pop My Culture T-Shirt!

Elizabeth Laime (host of the Totally Laime Podcast) joins Cole and Vanessa to chat about Oprah, Prometheus, 200-lb. tumors, The Guinness Books of World Records, Lindsay Lohan’s fender bender, the Golden Girls, My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, TLC, the Earwolf podcasting competition, the man with the longest nails, “what really frosts my cookie,” Moonrise Kingdom, and inappropriate lady part nicknames.

Leave your answer to the firsts question (the first documentary you can remember being really into or effected by) on our website for a chance to win an official, super soft Pop My Culture T-Shirt!

Joe Dante (director of “Gremlins,” “Innerspace,” “The Burbs” and many more beloved films of the 80s and 90s) chats with Cole and Vanessa about Snow White and the Huntsman, Chuck Jones, editing trailers for Roger Corman, Mogwai merchandising, Piranha, Dick Miller, the movie-going experience, Trailers From Hell, Matinee, practical effects vs. CGI, monsters, Widescreen, and the thrill of seeing “ghosts of Hollywood” in places around town.

Leave your answer to the firsts question (the first 3D movie you ever saw and what you thought about it) on our website for a chance to win a Gremlins DVD signed by Joe!

Leave your answer to the firsts question (the first painting or art project you can remember receiving some sort of accommodation for) on our website for a chance to win a Mr. Show Seasons 1 and 2 DVD signed by Mary Lynn!

Ken Marino (“The State,” “Childrens Hospital”) chats with Cole and Vanessa about his upcoming web series Burning Love, The Adventurers 2, demon makeup, Party Down, working with David Caruso, Sweet Genius, Wet Hot American Summer, frankenladies, Veronica Mars, music licensing issues, LARPing, R2D2 Operation, The Rememberer, and Ken’s magnificent time at the Renaissance Faire.

Leave your answers to the firsts question (the first board game you can remember really being into) on our website for a chance to win a Childrens Hospital Seasons 1 & 2 DVD box set signed by Ken and cast members & guest stars Rob Corddry, Erinn Hayes, Lake Bell, Rob Huebel, Paul Scheer, June Diane Raphael and executive producer Jonathan Stern! (Holy crap! Nice prize!)

Jenny Mollen (“Angel,” “Crazy, Stupid Love”), beloved twitterer as @jennyandteets, joins Cole and Vanessa to goof off about The Avengers, The Playboy Mansion, poodles, sex shop exploits, Viva Laughlin, The Smoking Jacket, her husband Jason Biggs, “boatox,” movie tag lines, losing MCA, the Huffington Post, Fifty Shades of Grey, Girls, Game of Thrones, slutty Annie Hall and Jenny’s Halloween experience at Shane Black’s house.

Leave your answer to the firsts question (the first reality show you can remember being obsessed with) on our website for a chance to win a Pop My Culture T-Shirt! (They are nice! And snuggly!)

Damien Fahey (MTV VJ & host of “Total Request Live”) chats with Cole and Vanessa about the Octomom’s upcoming porn, hero Patrick Dempsey, I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, the Dr. Seuss ban, John Salley’s feng-shui, drinking champagne with Madonna, crazy Heidi & Spencer, building a home radio station, some ecards, the Grind, Regis and Kelly, and Vanessa’s battle with Nyquil.

Leave your answer to the firsts question (the first song you can remember calling a radio station and requesting) for a chance to win a MTV Party To Go CD signed by Damien! (You want this, people–it’s chock will of 90s dance club madness!)

Daniel O’Brien and Soren Bowie (stars of Cracked.com’s “After Hours“) join Cole and Vanessa to chat about Paisley the Prosti-Tot, six degrees of Kevin Bacon, Battleship and board game movies, the proper pronunciation of “Mario,” Teddy Ruxpin, breast milk, the Mayan Calendar, Yo Momma, family lineage, hip-hoperas, Pop Culture Battle Royales, and Cole’s dead-on impression of Jodie Foster.

Leave your answer to the firsts question (the first breakfast cereal you can remember calling your favorite) on our website for a chance to win a Pop My Culture T-Shirt!

Jane Espenson (writer/producer from “Buffy The Vampire Slayer,” “Battlestar Galactica” and “Torchwood”) chats with Cole and Vanessa about her web series Husbands, Jerry Lee Lewis, the return of Game of Thrones, in-home dance clubs, Star Trek:TNG, Dinosaurs, dangerous Hugo Awards, Gilmore Girls fan fic, Twitter writing sprints, Very Mary Kate, Firefly, Captain Jack Harkness, Once Upon a Time, and Jane’s involvement in the origins of Zima.

Leave your answer to the firsts question (the first stuffed toy you had an attachment to) on our website for a chance to win a Battlestar Galactica: The Plan Blu-Ray signed by Jane!

Leave your answer to the firsts question (the first video game you can remember passing) on our website for a chance to win a Dr. Horrible DVD signed by Felicia!

Amber Tamblyn (“Joan of Arcadia,” “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants”) joins Cole and Vanessa to chat about Project X gone awry, Michael Bay vs. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Marilyn Manson, poetry, her pop Russ Tamblyn, scary movies, Twin Peaks, found-footage films, Pippi Longstocking, “Paranormal Activia,” soap operas, Knot’s Berry Farm, lower-back breast implants, Human Centipede, dreamy Hugh Laurie, and Amber’s sudden rap battle with Tyrese!

Leave your answer to the Firsts question (the first soap opera or daytime-specific program you were really into) on our website for a chance to win The Ring Blu-Ray signed by Amber!

Thank you Mashable!

Today Mashable.com posted a story picking ten podcasts that are sure to make you laugh–and Pop My Culture was number nine! We’re in GREAT company, sharing the list with such amazing shows as Nerdist, WTF with Marc Maron, The Pod F. Tompkast, Never Not Funny, You Look Nice Today, Comedy Bang Bang, You Made it Weird, and our good friend Janet Varney’s new show The JV Club! Big thanks to Mashable’s Christine Erickson for including us! Check out the complete story here:

http://mashable.com/2012/03/29/comedy-podcasts/

John Hodgman (author of “That is All” and the resident expert on “The Daily Show”) and surprise drop-in guests Aimee Mann (Oscar-nominated singer/songwriter and front woman of ‘Til Tuesday) and John Roderick (singer/songwriter of Seattle indie rock outfit The Long Winters) join Cole and Vanessa at the Chateau Marmont to discuss The Hunger Games, young adult fiction, Zork, Justin Long, Battle Royale, Dick Gregory, early computers, the Tripod Trilogy, stickball fights, hobo bindles, and the anniversary of John Belushi’s death in the very hotel they are recording in.

Leave your answer to the firsts question (the first computer you ever had, and what you primarily used it for) on our website for a chance to win a copy of “That is All” or “More Knowledge Than You Require” signed by our favorite deranged millionaire John Hodgman!

Judy Greer (“Arrested Development,” “13 Going on 30″) charms Cole and Vanessa and chats about Jeff Who Lives At Home, The Descendants, the extended Taco Bell menu, Bayou Billionaire, American Judy, New Orleans vs. Hawaii, the Duplass Brothers, pickled bologna, Madonna parties, re-enacting, Alexander Payne, double dutch, and the incredibly insane zombie Whitney Houston video.

Leave your answer to the firsts question (the first 80s-era band or singer you really got into) on our website for a chance to win an Arrested Development Season 1 DVD signed by Judy!

Fred Stoller (“Everybody Loves Raymond,” “Seinfeld”) goofs around with Cole and Vanessa and chats about The Oscar telecast, thrill seekers, Cirque du Soleil, Billy Crystal, Dog Day Afternoon, Dr. Demento, arm belly buttons, Hunchbacks going to college, Murphy Brown, pitching to Larry David, The Shawshank Redemption, Norm McDonald, The Wizards of Waverly Place, desert-island comics, and a bloody-finger-texting Selena Gomez.

Leave your answer to the firsts question (the first comedy or novelty song you were really into) on our website for a chance to win a pic of Fred in Dumb and Dumber and a notepad from the writer’s room of Seinfeld signed by Fred!

Cole’s Indie Music Corner: Fanfarlo

London’s Fanfarlo avoid the sophomore slump with a super strong showing with their second album, “Rooms Filled With Light.” Parts Arcade Fire, Talking Heads and The Decemberists, they craft catchy, rhythmic songs that put their multi-instrumentalists on full display. There’s some throwback 80s guitar flourishes a la Echo and the Bunnymen or, say, New Order, as well as strings, horns, keys and unusual percussion. The second track on the record, “Deconstruction,” is a high-energy driving toe-tapper, with a warbling whistle of a melody that grows on you every time you listen to it. The entire album, indeed, is one that reaps rewards upon repeat soakings. Get it.

Deconstruction/Fanfarlo

ENDING MARCH 16th! if you donate $50.00 or more to the Leukemia Lymphoma Society ROB PAULSEN ( Or Yakko! Or Pinky! Or Raphael!) will record a personalized outgoing message for your phone!

Just donate here- then email Vanessa (vanessahoperagland@gmail.com) your name and character preference! Let’s fight cancer with character(s)!

Timothy Omundson (“Psych,” “Judging Amy”) hangs with Cole and Vanessa to talk about Zac Efron’s condom drop, swingin’ Stephen Hawking, Xena: Warrior Princess, iPhone thief Chris Brown, JK Rowling, the beautiful expletives of Deadwood, Psychos, Kenny Powers vs. Lucy Lawless, dramatic overbites, The Luck of the Irish, three-hole punches and pineapples, the Berenstain Bears, clown college, and Tim and Vanessa’s epic Alan Rickman-off.

Leave your answer to the firsts question (the first big lie you can remember telling) on our website for a chance to win a Psych Season 4 DVD signed by Timothy!

Hey guys! I’ts me. Vanessa- unfortunately this post is NOT announcing my engagement to Z. Efron, it’s announcing my candidacy for Leukemia and Lymphoma Society’s Woman of the Year!

Four years ago, my writing partner Katie Hooten got the news that both her husband Tim and her then-four-year-old daughter Eva had leukemia, albeit in different forms. Anyone who has had cancer affect his or her family knows how hard it hits you; Katie got it doubled. But there’s good news to report: Eva’s now cancer-free and Tim’s living with the disease thanks to a second-generation drug that was made possible by donations by people like you to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.

Every four minutes, someone gets the news that he or she has a blood cancer, and every ten minutes, someone dies of a blood cancer. The LLS — we can abbreviate it from here on out — is behind a lot of the research that has developed medication and treatment that can save, and is saving, lives.

I am supported by my family and friends on what we are calling “Team Big Accomplishment Squad!” And hopefully, I’m also supported by YOU! I really want to make Woman of the Year, which goes to the nominee who can raise the most cash for LLC in a ten-week period. My goal is $60,000, but every dollar will help fight blood cancer. Every dollar donated is a “vote” for me, too.

So, you wanna help!? YAY! Click here to donate. There’s also information there if you’d prefer to send a paper check. And if you want to throw a few bucks toward my dad’s ponytail shearing, you can click here to help reach that $5,000 goal and “Let Larry Shear!”

If you’re like me, you need something to fill the void of the now-defunct Beta Band. Thankfully, the UK’s Django Django are here–this quartet met at art school in Edinburgh and have a sound that takes that aforementioned band and weirds it out, with elements of psych and post-rock, experimental rhythms and a playful sense of humor. At first listening, it’s challenging, but always interesting, and the song “Default” is epic, bombastic and catchy as all get out. Crank it up and blast it with the windows down while driving your vehicle of choice.

Default / Django Django

Myq Kaplan (“Last Comic Standing”) and Samm Levine (“Freaks & Geeks”) join Cole and Vanessa for an hour of straight-up Academy Awards talk! The four get Extremely Loud & Incredibly close as they make their predictions of who will and should win those gold statuettes, try to make sense of Tree of Life, argue about Hugo, mention Drive a lot, giggle at Albert Nobbs, break the silence of The Artist, and “Descendants” into madness as they give out some special awards of their own.

Let us know your special Oscar award (any sort of recognition you’d like to give to something from film this year that wasn’t nominated) on our website for a chance to win the Entertainment Weekly Oscar issue signed by Myq, Samm, Cole and Vanessa!

Dave Holmes (MTV VJ, host of “Say What? Karaoke” and “A Drink With Dave” Video Podcast) joins Cole and Vanessa to talk The Super Bowl, Clint Eastwood, Madonna’s half-time spectacular, the guy from Lone Star, David Lee Roth, MTV Survivor, cell phones with pens, Go Daddy, Rachel Crow, world peace, Downton Abbey, being LMFAO’d out, Karen Duffy, TRL and the spectacular crazy shitstorm that is Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark.

Leave your answers to the firsts question (the first music video you can remember being in love with) on our website for a chance to win a Pop My Culture T-Shirt!

Drew Carey (“The Price Is Right” and “The Drew Carey Show”) joins Cole and Vanessa for this special live episode at SF Sketchfest, the San Francisco Comedy Festival. They chat about Blue Ivy’s godmother, crappy showcase prizes, funny contestants, turkey trots, Presidential Fitness competitions, getting booed by WWE fans, bringing in a ringer, Regis vs. Carson, Whose Line is It Anyway?, skintags, teeth-pulling, Brian Wilson, and Drew’s low, low opinion of the Oscars.

Leave the answer to the Firsts question (The first race or athletic competition you can remember doing) on our website for a chance to win a copy of Sam Shepherd’s Buried Child (used during the podcast, listen to see how), signed by Drew!

John Lehr (“10 Items or Less” and an original Geico Caveman) chats with Cole and Vanessa about Blue Ivy Carter, Evel Knievel, fake choking, Beezow Doo-Doo Zoppitybop-Bop-Bop, baseball vs. football films, Heidi Klum, kid wars, bloody noses, falling in grocery stores viral videos, Noah Baumbach, Angelina Jolie’s wondrous lips, The Andy Griffith Show, junkyard dramas, uncomfortable makeup applications, Portland’s beards, and hanging with the guys from Friends at a secret Bevery Hills club.

Leave your answer to the firsts question (the first truly dangerous or ill-advised stunt or thing you tried to do as a kid) on our website for a chance to win a super comfy Pop My Culture T-Shirt!

Pop My Culture hits the road! Join Cole and Vanessa LIVE at SF Sketchfest, the San Francisco Comedy Festival, for a super fun LIVE recording with an amazing guest–stand-up legend and host of the Price is Right DREW CAREY!

The show is at 1pm at the Eureka Theater on Saturday Jan. 28th. We’d love to see you there!

Tickets are available HERE

Part two finds returning guests Tony Hale (“Arrested Development”), Rob Paulsen (“Animaniacs”), Meredith Salenger (“The Journey of Natty Gann”), Paul F. Tompkins (The Pod F. Tompkast) and James Urbaniak (“The Venture Brothers”) locked with Cole and Vanessa in conversation about all the horrible things 2011 threw at us–with each of them sharing their personal Worst 5 lists, as well as offering up a New Year’s Resolution and their “theme song” for 2011.

Leave your personal Worst 5 of 2011 for a chance to win an official Pop My Culture T-Shirt!

Returning guests Tony Hale (“Arrested Development”), Rob Paulsen (“Animaniacs”), Meredith Salenger (“The Journey of Natty Gann”), Paul F. Tompkins (The Pod F. Tompkast) and James Urbaniak (“The Venture Brothers”) join Cole and Vanessa for part one of this special look back at the year that was 2011. Wine and conversation flow freely as each guest and the hosts navigate through personal Top 5 lists and argue the merits of their selections.

Leave your personal Top 5 of 2011 on our website for a chance to win a copy of Entertainment Weekly’s Entertainers of the Year issue, signed by all of our guests!

Help PMC be better! Because just like you, it has a New Years resolution which it may or may not stick to. If you would be kind enough to fill out this VERY QUICK survey about our podcast we promise to keep cranking out free entertainment (or ‘noise’ or whatever you want to call it.)

Thank you for listening and please help us improve! Plus, this is an easy test to take. No scantrons! Just a few clicks and every filled survey will help us tremendously.

Jim Rash (Dean Pelton from “Community” and co-writer of “The Descendants”) joins Cole and Vanessa for their first podcast of 2012! They chat about The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, shortstop playing chimpanzees, controlling the world’s bees, Sky High, The Golden Globes, Nicholas Sparks flicks, The Enabler, practical jokester George Clooney, Cybill, terrible auditions, saving Community, Fincher family members, twisted Barbers Shop Quartets, Guess Who?, and Jim’s hilariously stressful day on Spielberg’s Minority Report.

Leave your answer to the Firsts question (The first TV show you can remember being upset that it went off the air) on our website for a chance to win a Community Season 2 DVD signed by Jim!

Phil LaMarr (“Pulp Fiction,” “Madtv”) goofs off with Cole and Vanessa and chats about working with Tarantino, People’s Sexiest Man Alive, The Descendants, the sorting hat, going to Broadway, The Groundlings, the Mr. T. cartoon, the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, Morgan Freeman, Detective Comics, a steady stream of turkey, the lost Matrix scenes, Marvin’s head explosion, Star Wars vs. Physicists, Sea Monkeys, seeing Helen Mirren, the Lego movie, and the absolutely ridiculous people backstage at the Pee Wee Herman Show.

Leave your answer to the firsts question (the first comic book or comic book series you were into as a kid) on our website for a chance to win a Pulp Fiction Blu-Ray signed by Phil!

Yep, it’s official–our lil’ show has joined The Nerdist network! We’re one of 12 amazing shows on Chris Hardwick’s acclaimed arsenal of Nerdist Industry programs. Don’t worry–we’ll still be right here on our website and on iTunes, and your RSS feed will stay the same, but we’ll also have our own spot on nerdist.com. So there’s another way to find us! We’re very excited to be part of such an amazing group of people. Thanks much to Chris and co. for having us!

Check us out on the Nerdist site HERE!

Ethan Suplee (“My Name is Earl,” “Mallrats”) chats with Cole and Vanessa on their first podcast with the Nerdist network about Boy Meets World, neverending Risk games, Settlers of Catan, D&D, sad Bowie stories, Greg Garcia, looking for aliens, Remember the Titans, playing a skinhead, Without a Paddle fights, making videos with Jack White, the alternative Jason Mewes, nose dirt, Kevin Smith, and Ethan’s experience at a Don Phillips Pizza Party.

Leave your answer to the firsts question (the first candy or sweet you were into as a kid) on our website for a chance to win a My Name is Earl Season 1 DVD signed by Ethan!

Dave Anthony and Greg Behrendt from the Walking The Room Podcast stop by to chat with Cole and Vanessa about the art of retweeting, Jack and Jill, The Hunger Games, ranking overrated bands, the Duggars, the coining of the term Zombie, celebrity peeing, snot skin, Cameron Diaz, Mr. Catpoop, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, the Sex and the City ladies, Kardashians, Insomnia, body hopping, books vs. movies, and Greg’s awkward plane trip with Miley Cyrus.

Leave your answer to the firsts question (The first complaint letter you ever wrote, and if you got a response) on our website for a chance to win a brand spankin’ new Pop My Culture T-Shirt!

Meredith Salenger (“The Journey of Natty Gann,” “Dream a Little Dream”) joins Cole and Vanessa to talk about twitter stalking, Brett Ratner, suing Kim Kardashian, The Muppets, kissing John Cusack, hanging with Harry Dean Stanton, virgin daiquiris, fan sites, Melancholia, Corey Feldman’s MJ moves, working with a wolf, Seth Myers’ unheralded extra work, River Phoenix, hoarding cats, body-swapping movies, Harvard, Sally Field, and a trio of Bjork impressions.

Leave your answer to the Firsts question (the first family vacation you can remember, and what stood out about it) on our website for a chance to win a Natty Gann DVD signed by Meredith!

Fred Dekker (writer/director of “The Monster Squad” and “Night of the Creeps”) stops by for this Halloween episode with Cole and Vanessa to chat about Lindsay Lohan, Estate of Panic, the true nature of game shows, Shane Black, the “Pad o’ Guys,” George A. Romero, UFO spottin’ Billy Ray Cyrus, James Bond, Monty Python, scary staircases, the life of spoiler alerts, Anthony Michael Hall, Taileypo, wizard films, Hitchcock, Stan Winston, Liam Neeson, the Wolfman’s infamous nards, and Vanessa’s serious Victor Borge/Ernest Borgnine confusion.

Leave your answer to the Firsts questions (the first thing that really scared you, and if you ever got over that fear) on our website for a chance to win a Monster Squad Blu-Ray autographed by Fred!

Get ‘em while they’re HOT!
CLICK HERE

Tom Lenk and Adam Busch (Andrew and Warren from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”) stop by to chat with Cole and Vanessa about Project Runway, Paula Deen’s butter-flavored lip balm, the Sonic Youth split, sleeping Belafonte, Frydaddies, Drones, Milli Vanilli, cassingles, Tim Gunn’s new catchphrases, faked radio kidnappings, The Dali Lama vs. Steven Seagal, Common Rotation, troll dolls, Mad Magazine, and Adam’s awkward double date with the Olsen Twins!

Leave your answer to the firsts question (the first thing you ever collected, and if you still have them to this day) on our website for a chance to win the new Common Rotation album, Keep an Open Gallery, signed by both Adam and Tom!

Jonathan Silverman (“Weekend at Bernie’s,” “Brighton Beach Memoirs”) joins Cole and Vanessa to talk Steve Jobs, Neil Simon, The Addams Family Musical, Mark Rylance, The X Factor, The Playboy Club, Long Island Medium, Top Shot, working with Jack Lemmon, Gene Saks, Beverly Hills High, favorite film nametags, Little Big League, NBC cross-over night, spooky Halloween month, the lovely Jennifer Finnigan, Girls Just Want To Have Fun, and the greatest all-time Olsen Twins story EVER.

Leave your answer to the firsts question (the first club or organization you belonged to, and how you felt about it) on our website for a chance to win a Weekend at Bernie’s DVD signed by Jonathan!

We’ve paired up with ChinaShopMagazine again! We hope you enjoy our video as much as we enjoyed our drinks… but that’s not likely.

Just click to enjoy!

Matt Berry and Rich Fulcher (“The Mighty Boosh,” “Snuff Box”) join Cole and Vanessa to talk sketch shows, Drive, sex vs. violence, Garth Marenghi’s Dark Place, Snow White & The Huntsman, the end of All My Children, unusual racehorses, skin suits, hard-to-obtain DVDs, cash-filled briefcases, booger collections, an unusual new Bill Cosby show, David Bowie, silent sound engineers who happened to be married to Vanessa, L.A. area codes, hoarders, Black Oman, and Cole’s serenading of Chuck Yeager.

Leave your answer to the Firsts question (the first thing you ever stole and how you felt about it) on our website for a chance to win a “Snuff Box” Complete Series DVD signed by Matt and Rich!

Cole, Vanessa and comedic actress extraordinaire Julia Duffy (“Newhart,” “Designing Women”) talk Toddlers and Tiaras, comedy phone calls, the Mohos, working with George Clooney, Baby Talk, Wizards and Warriors, the final Entourage, Local Hero, The Love Boat, the Coen Brothers, movies vs. theater, applesauce, Love of Life, technology, embarrassing commercials, and where the Newhart gang might all be today.

Leave your answer to the firsts question (the first movie that you loved so much that you saw it three or more times in the theater, or your first multi-view movie) for a chance to win a Pop My Culture T-Shirt! (Coming soon, we promise!)

Cole and Vanessa are joined by iconic music video auteur Nigel Dick (director of over 300 music videos–by Britney Spears, Oasis, Guns N’ Roses, Paul McCartney, Backstreet Boys, Celine Dion, Cher, Cheap Trick, Def Leppard, The Pussycat Dolls, Nickelback, R.E.M., Leann Rimes, Barry Manilow, Jessica Simpson, Elton John, Sheryl Crow, Mandy Moore, Kenny Loggins, David Cook, Black Sabbath, The Offspring, Travis, Rod Stewart, Meat Loaf and many more!). They talk Blu-Ray Darth Vader’s “Nooooo!,” Britney Spears’ school girl outfit, making Band Aid’s “Do They Know It’s Christmas?,” Vanessa’s “impression” of Alan Rickman, cycling, 2Gether, lyrics, Whoopi Goldberg, and Nigel’s film “Callback,” which stars Kevin Farley and…Cole!

Leave your answer to the firsts question (the first paycheck you ever got, and what it was for) on our website for a chance to win the soundtrack CD for Callback!

Cole, Vanessa and the fellas from the hit comedy podcast Superego (Matt Gourley, Jeremy Carter and Mark McConville) talk the VMAs, Dancing With the Stars, Dance Moms, Beyonce’s crazy pregnancy reveal, the future, Channel 101, Chazz Bono, Nancy Grace, Bond Girls, Megaforce, single dads, GaGa’s stupid new character, dog lovers, skin goatees, skinny Jonah Hill, and a visit from call-in guest Nancy and Redd Foxx.

Leave your answer to the firsts question (the first pet that you called your own) on our website for a chance to win a Pop My Culture T-Shirt, which are coming soon!

Cole’s Indie Music Corner: Active Child

The first full-length record by Pat Grossi, aka Active Child, is a gorgeous collection of dreamy melodies and spacey production, melding his fragile voice, harp, beats and electronic soundscapes– think Owen Pallet meets The Divine Comedy meets Depeche Mode. It’s a marriage of sound that works brilliantly–the title track, You Are All I See, is a seductive earworm that will have you humming for days. High on atmosphere, the album delivers on the potential of his Curtis Lane EP from last year. Visit his site at www.activechildmusic.com.

 YOU ARE ALL I SEE / ACTIVE CHILD

Hooray! We’ve been nominated for BEST PODCAST by SF WEEKLY!

But we need your votes! The top 3 in each category, based on YOUR VOTES, will be in contention to grab the honor. So please go to the SF Weekly’s Web Awards website HERE and vote for us as often as you can before the end of the day on August 30th! We’d appreciate it!

Cole, Vanessa and the charming Rider Strong (“Boy Meets World,” “Cabin Fever”) talk Disneyland secrets, Breaking Bad, the Glee 3D fiasco, the late Kate Plus 8, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Les Miserables, role-playing, Pepper Dennis, Attack the Block, There Will Be Blood Reboots, Fraggle Bits, Steven Segal, The Dungeon Master, gore vs. atmosphere, and the iconic Cabin Fever “Pancakes” scene.

Leave your answer to the Firsts question (The first time a movie scared you so much you had to turn it off or leave) on our website for a chance to win a Pop My Culture T-Shirt, which are coming soon! (And they’ll look like the pic below!)

drums rolling….
LEN PERALTA!!

Len gave us an AMAZING design that encapsulates our show and three of our favorite things. Vanessa, Cole, and pop art.

Congrats, and thank you Len. You’re an amazing artist and we are in love with what you made! Everyone on the ol’ tweet box should follow him to see more of his work: @jawboneradio.

A special shout-out to our runner up (it was close) the insanely talented Andy Finkle. It was a tough draw! All of the submissions will be posted in a gallery soon- we can’t thank you guys enough for your time and creativity!

See it HERE

Cole, Vanessa and the stunning Emma Caulfield (“Buffy The Vampire Slayer,” “Bandwagon”) talk bunnies, the Teen Choice Awards, TiMER,  a new Lifetime Movie, comic books, Sci-Fi, the JLo/Marc Anthony split, Cash Cab, True Blood, Ripped, The Land of the Lost, Truckbeef, mysterious lotteries, Tubie, hubs and clouds, and Emma’s crazy cool Kickstarter reward.

Leave your answer to the Firsts question (The first nickname you had and how you felt about it) on our website for a chance to win–yep, a BUNNY–signed by our guest!

Cole here! We’re getting down to the wire! It’s the Top 6, pairing up with the all-stars and each other (with solos to boot!), with the top 4 making the finale next week. Cat Deeley, wearing half dress/half pearled fisherman’s net, introduces each of the dancers and then turns to our judges (for those of you playing the will-she-or-won’t-she-say-it drinking game, this time the word came out of her mouth!). Nigel is dapper in a suit and purple tie and hanky; Mary Murphy is sporting a sparkly-shoulder-padded dress with her—TITS AHOY!—um, ballroom boobs on display; guest judge Christina “Kelly Bundy” Applegate looks darn pretty; and the self-proclaimed king of krunk, Lil C, is there to provide us with several high-scoring plays for Words With Friends. We see video of some Dance Day submissions from Sweden and Egypt, where people all over the world shake their groove thing and tolerate that crappy LMFAO song about party starting and having a good time.

First up is complete and total frontrunner Melanie! She’s paired with season 4’s Twitch. They’re doing a Nappy Tabbs hip hop routine about Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf, only Red gets “buck!” Yes, it’s Little Red Swagging Hood, and they take the stage between several prop trees to pop and lock to Nicki Minaj’s “Roman’s Revenge.” It’s pretty awesome, and Melanie destroys it, all the more impressive since she is far out of her comfort zone. Lil C is the first to weigh in. He thinks the routine is fast moving and difficult, and despite some shakiness at the top, it soon gains super buckness (I can’t believe I just typed that). Christina is blown away by Melanie, and says that she gives her hope for dance (was dance dying? What did it have? Did we use some super new experimental drug on it? If so, we better be careful, or dance will rise up and take over the planet). Mary says in all eight seasons of the show, her brother has never called her to praise a contestant, but that he thinks Melanie is truly special. They compare her to Shirley Temple, and love her commitment and versatility. Nigel agrees, says she is phenomenal and that we’ll see her in the finale. I’ll be shocked if we don’t.

Sasha teams up with Kent, that little energy ball from Wapakoneta, for a Tyce Diorio routine that’s the furthest thing from Broadway he’s ever done (Jazz hands need not apply). It’s about a couple that has hit a (literal) wall in their relationship—wait, I’ve got a bone to pick here. Why are 80% of the routines this season about a troubled relationship? Everything is like “It’s about a couple at a crossroads who are trying to rekindle what they had but he/she is weak and he/she is abusive but they aren’t sure who they are anymore and there’s pain and hardship and longing and they have to dance to save their relationship but end up going the other way and a 5-6-7-8!” There’s a lot of raw emotion in the routine (and a lot of Spiderman-esque wall climbing) in the piece, and everyone gets caught up in it, to a point of it getting kind of annoying. Christina comments that although there have been better technicians on the show, she doesn’t care, it’s Sasha’s sheer emotion that makes her stand out. Mary thinks it was intoxicating from the start, and that it was dynamic and artistic. Nigel thinks Sasha is brilliant when she dances, really letting us into the routines, and—surprise—she’s back to his favorite dancer again! Lil C chokes back tears and comments on the unfairness of life, and wishes he had had the chance to work with Sasha since he admires her so much. It looks like a two-lady race to win this whole thing.

Marko, who picks up choreography like bullets take to his shoulder, is next with all-star Janette for a Dmitry Chaplin Paso Doble! It’s about a toreador and…an animal rights activist (I admit, dancing is more effective than signing petitions) who tries to save the bull from him (sadly, no prop bull or dancers in a cow outfit). It’s set to “Zorongo (Traditional)” by Antonia Gomez, with Marko wearing a golden matador outfit (or Freddie Mercury Sunday casual). There’s one great lift where he literally swings Janette around his shoulders like a cape. Mary makes a joke about them wearing similar outfits, and loves the style of the piece, even though he lost his footing from time to time. Nigel wanted a little more passion out of it, but thinks Marko will be fine come voting time. Lil C thought it was a pleasure to watch him and loved the dominance he had, particularly in his…crotch area. Christina admits she knows nothing about this genre, but thought he was great, but that he could have been even deeper with his…crotch area. We leave crotch chat and transition to…

A clip package of Ricky’s mom! Cat informs us that we’ll be checking in with the parental units of the contestants before each of their solos. After some motivational words by his mother, Ricky dances a leggy solo to “After Tonight” by Justin Nozuka. There’s no judge feedback on these, so we kick to commercial and come back to our next pairing.

Tadd teams up with Elenore for a Sonya Tayeh period piece about a couple who’ve never touched before—and then go all horndog all over the stage! There’s lots of lip locking, but even more twirling and dangling from a prop chandelier. Set to Beirut’s “The Gulag Orkestra,” its more Cirque du Soleil than dance piece, and although it’s super interesting, the panel is pretty split on it. Nigel thinks that it was…well, just it was. He wishes there was more actual dancing involved, and struggles to find the words to describe it. He’s clearly embarrassed by it. Lil C gives big ups to Sonya, and loves of she utilizes each dancer’s strengths no matter what the genre. He does wish that they had lingered in the moments longer. Christina tells them to get a room and marvels at Tadd’s Bboy versatility. Mary praises his ability and the fact that they utilized a dangerous prop so well.

Caitlynn’s mom weighs in from the states and her pops via internet from an oil rig. They love her, they are proud, blah blah blah (they are all like this really. So why do these packages? I don’t think it’s news that their folks would be proud of a kid who is realizing their dream on national television). She does her solo to Katie Thompson’s cover of “What’s Love Got to Do With It?” Its good, but really short, so not a lot happens.

Ricky and Jaimie get a Dee Caspary contemporary routine about *sigh* a couple who’s relationship is fading so he tries to stop her from leaving by…conducting her with two sticks. Now we’re talking! It’s to “Inside These Lines” by Trent Dabbs, and it’s a lot of Ricky pushing Jaimie around the stage with his two tiny batons. One wishes there was some renegade yarn or uppity chow main noodles on the stage for him to wrangle as well. Despite the odd concept, it’s danced well and the panel generally likes it. Lil C congratulates him on using a prop well, and then throws out this tongue twister: “What a magically magnificent puppeteer of physically rhythmic artistry you are.” Theater companies take note: You have a new vocal warm up! Christina thinks he is a beautiful dancer, but doesn’t dance with the clearest of intentions sometimes. Mary thinks it was some great free-flowing movement, with Ricky bouncing off the piano keys of the song. Nigel thinks it was a lovely routine and digs the concept, and thinks Ricky has great lines but could use a more grounded base.

We check in with Tadd’s Dad, who thinks he’s Rad, and doesn’t want him to do Bad, and that hypercolor shirts were a Fad, but won’t wear plaid. Tadd’s solo is to “We Speak No Americano” by Yolanda B. Cool & Dcup, and has lots of his signature Bboy floorwork in it. On the heels of that is another solo, this time from Sasha (oh, and her parents think she is like Peter Pan), who fills the show’s “must use a Lady GaGa song” contractual obligation and dances to “Teeth.”

It’s the last of the all-star pairings, with Caitlynn burning the floor with Pasha on a Dmitry Chaplin Samba! They challenge her to be sexy, and she is in her tattered Flamingo outfit, but mugs too much. Pasha’s shirt is open which I’m sure distracts the female (and many male) viewers. Oh, and it’s to “Drop it Low” by Kat DeLuna. Christina thinks she did really well, and is in awe of her body. Mary thinks she did great, and that their bodies were locked together brilliantly. Nigel agrees, praising the samba roles, but comments that she doesn’t have to pull so many sexy faces. Lil C agrees with everyone, and makes a swimming pool anology (swan dive, don’t cannonball!). Cat jumps on board and makes a belly flop joke. Sadly, no one tries to cap it with a Triple Lindy reference.

We see Marko’s Mom in Guam, who comments with aplomb! He’s the bomb! Marko’s solo is to “Wonderful World” by James Morrison, and he dives onto the stage and really attacks it. Melanie is the last to do a solo, and HOLE. E. SHIT. It’s PHENOMENAL. It’s to “Cracks” by Freestylers, and it gets an extended (and standing) ovation from the crowd and judges.

Time for the first of the contestant pair-ups! Ricky and Sasha take to the studio to learn a Kummari Suraj WHACKING routine. Yes. Whacking. It’s a lot of quick arm movements and looks like half-completed cheer moves. They dance to “Schoolin’ Life” by Beyonce, and it’s ok, but nothing fantastic. The judges are kind, probably to support their new choreographer (who is dressed as Miss Daisy, by the by),  though they talk about Princess Lockaroo and how superior she is at it (she was a contestant earlier in the season who got to Vegas by whacking, and then was whacked from the competition). There’s lots of wordplay about the whacking lacking or slacking, and it reaches a boiling point when Christina admits that they could have “whacked it harder.” Suddenly, a TV-MA appears on the screen…in my mind.

Melanie and Tadd get a Spencer Liff Broadway routine with quite a story—Tadd is an acclaimed choreographer and Melanie is his star! She’s fallen for him, and he realizes it, so he plays on her emotions to get a good performance out of her but doesn’t actually reciprocate the feelings. Quite a lot is packed into the routine, which includes a mirror and a chair, and the two pull it off very well. Nigel starts by praising Melanie’s solo, saying it was one of the best the show has ever seen before (find it on YouTube, people. It’s so worth it!). Not only is Melanie a beast, she’s an incredible actress, and he’s once again Nigel’s favorite dancer! Tadd “didn’t suck,” and he means that as high praise. Lil C loves the routine and its buckness (lots of male deer in these pieces!) and also calls Melanie’s solo “Beefy,” and compliments Tadd on his growth. Christina compares Melanie to Donna McKechnie in A Chorus Line (only better!), and still can’t believe Tadd’s versatility. Mary agrees with her colleagues, and says that America has fallen for both of them.

One routine to go! It’s Caitlynn and Marko and a Sonya Tayeh jazz routine set to “Heavy in Your Arms” by Florence and the Machine. It’s another abusive couple thing, but they amp up the intensity and excel. “Whatever happened to Disco?” wonders Cat, commenting on all of the heavy pieces in the show. Lil C pimps out his twitter feed (@kingofkrunk, if you’re wondering), explains hashtags to all of us and proclaims it to be ##buck (that’s a DOUBLE hashtag! Which would do NOTHING on Twitter and get buried! So yay, you!) Christina says that Marko is a beast, with powerful aggression, and that this is Caitlynn’s breakout moment, which everyone agrees with! Mary also comments that Marko is her favorite dancer!

We get the numbers and head into the final voting period before the last show! So get dialing, people!

Cole here! It’s the Top 8! It’s new(ish) All-Stars! It’s a recap! Here we go…

After the usual quick dancer intros, Cat Deely appears in a tight fitting white placemat dress and quickly introduces our JUHs (this time she took on the first syllable and let the audience fill in the rest, like that thing on Sesame Street or Electric Company or whatever it was—“Juh” “Jez”…”Juh”…”Jez”…”Juhjez!”). And my, what a colorful panel it ‘twas! Rob Marshall, director of Chicago and the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean flick, is so brightly orange he makes Mary Murphy look like Edward Cullen. Lady GaGa is here! She’s dressed like a Sgt. Pepper carnival nightmare, with giant red stilty shoes, round sunglasses, minty green hair and a red leather Captain’s cap. Mary and Nigel are there per usual as well. We learn that there are going to be twelve routines (oh lordy), each dancer with an All-Star and then paired together.

Sasha and Pasha are up first, doing a Jonathan Roberts quickstep. The choreographer preps it as a bizarre, alternate reality routine, set to “Puttin’ on the Ritz” by Terry Snyder. Sasha is wearing a headband made out of Father Christmas, and Pasha a suit with a bedazzled tie. THIS is supposed to be bizarre? It makes Must Love Dogs look like Mulholland Drive. It’s your typical well-danced but not terribly exciting quickstep, which should do Sasha no favors come elimination time. The judges are impressed, however; Rob thinks Sasha is astonishing and classy, and dances with meaning. Mary thinks she pulled it off, with an amazing upper body but that she needs to get her knees softer. Nigel admits that Sasha is his favorite dancer in the competition, but thought she was a bit too stiff. GaGa disagrees! She thinks Sasha nailed it, and is shiny in and out, which I guess makes her this program’s pyrite.

Next up is a Marty Kudelka hip hop routine for Caitlynn and Ivan. She’s fed up with her man, and Ivan shows up and wins her over, with the assistance of “Let Me Love You” by Mario. It starts with that favorite of dance props, a park bench, but quickly abandons it for a lyrical routine that’s danced fairly well. Bonus points to Ivan, who wears a fedora that makes him look like Hat Damon from The Adjustment Bureau. Mary thinks it was good, but wasn’t brilliant, though she can’t get enough of Ivan, and starts aggressively ovulating. Nigel thinks Caitlynn needs to get a firmer base and get down into it a little more, prompting GaGa to crack that of course he wants her to open her legs a little bit more. Cat then says a sentence that she probably never thought she’d get to utter: “What do YOU think, Lady GaGa?” GaGa is GoGo for CayCay! She thinks she is extremely sexy and starts aggressively ovulating. Rob thinks it was great, but that Caitlynn needs to lose herself a bit more in the dance.

Jordan and good ol’ Ade take the stage for a jazz routine from Tyce “Why does Cole hate me so much and always write crappy things about me?” Diorio! They’re supposed to be bad asses at a secret rendezvous, dancing to that traditional spy anthemn, “Nutbush City Limits” by Tina Turner. It’s mostly Ade throwing Jordan around the stage a lot, which reminds me of that scene in Daredevil where Michael Clarke “Kingpin” Duncan hucks Ben Affleck around his office. Anyhoo, they do nail it, and it’s not bad for a Tyce routine, so take that as you will, Diorio. Nigel remarks, “Is there anything that little body can’t do?” and starts aggressively ovulating (British men can do that, btw). GaGa can’t stop staring at Jordan’s legs, and loved when she looked right into camera to show her star power. Rob compliments Tyce (see, he used to dance for him) and loves how Jordan dances with abandon. Mary can’t believe Jordan’s amazing extensions, and is super impressed.

Melanie, who is going to win this whole thing, is up next with all-star Neil, doing a Mandy Moore contemporary routine. It’s an extremely athletic piece about a relationship at a crossroads, working things out to Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” Melanie sports a white nightgown and Neil white PJ pants sans shirt (there must be a lot of cotton allergies in the dance world), and they absolutely slaughter a routine full of crazy lifts, dramatic elegant movement, and the most impressive trust dive ever seen on this show! They get a much-deserved standing ovation from the judges, and with GaGa in her ridiculous lifts, she looks like Peter Mayhew* towering over everyone else. Melanie is GaGa’s favorite dance and would hire her tomorrow, which sends Melanie into a giggling spiral. Rob thinks she is so poetic and has flawless technique, and loved that she let go of the dance in the final moments of the routine and became an actress. Mary can’t believe how brave Melanie was to do that ridiculous leap into Neil’s arms, and will be surprised if this routine isn’t up for an Emmy. Nigel changes his mind—Melanie is NOW his favorite dancer too! He name checks Ellen DeGeneres, who is in the crowd, wearing lumberjack casual. Cat gives the number information, and Melanie leaps into Neil’s arms again, and we all start dialing frantically.

Ricky is paired with ballroom queen Anya, which should bode well for a jive routine from Jason Gilkerson. There’s no story—it’s just two people having a giant celebration of dance. We all, however, have to attend a funeral of music as our ears must tolerate Celine Dion’s cover of “River Deep, Mountain High.” Ricky is dressed as a server from The Olive Garden and Anya as gold car wash curtains. They begin to dance, and then pull off the greatest statue impression I’ve ever seen! It lasts twenty minutes! THANKS SO MUCH DIRECTV! Evidently, my DVR wasn’t the only one to go on the fritz, and when the show picks back up, Jess is getting his feedback for his routine. So I venture online to try to find the missing pieces much like Guy Pierce in Memento (in retrospect, I shouldn’t have tattooed a bunch of SYTYCD facts all over my body)…and don’t find much! The Ricky and Anya routine is ok, with some nice lifts and some really awkward ones. I can’t find the judges responses, so I’m just going to make them up: GaGa is crazy about Anya and says she’d like to bronze her and put her on her mantle as a human trophy! Nigel pants hard and says something pervy! Mary screams and then critizes Ricky’s carriage. Rob is drinking a slurpee and says something about shiny stars.

So we move on to Jess and Lauren G., doing a Nappy Tabs hip hop routine to Rhianna’s “Take A Bow.” There’s a prop flower involved! It’s a nice, lyrical smooth routine, and Jess dances it surprisingly well (could it be the sweet sneakers he’s wearing? I say yes!). Again, I can’t find the judging online, so I’ve just decided that they all sort of liked it and do a lot of high-fiving. Moving on

The last standing B Boy, Tadd, partners with Lauren for a Mandy Moore piece set to Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust.” Tadd is channeling Moonwalker-era M.J., but doesn’t use his hat at all to defeat bad guys. In fact, he loses it halfway through the routine but carries on anyway, pantomiming his hat work. Nigel thinks the style suits Tadd great, and won’t be “biting the dust at all this week!” (Wocka wocka wocka!) GaGa loves the styling and is amazing that Tadd can change styles so well, and Rob thinks it’s the mark of a real pro that Tadd went on despite losing his chapeau and getting smacked in the face by Lauren (hey, she won last year, so she’s earned some pain-distribution!). Mary thinks he put the C in Cool tonight, and that when he swags, it’s not like anyone else on show. She predicts finale for him!

It’s the last of the all-star pairings, with Allison joining Marko for a Sonya Tayeh piece to “I Know It’s Over” by Jeff Buckley (who left us far too young. Man, that guy was amazing). Marko and Allison attack the strong movement that’s Sonya’s calling card, and the judges are swept away with it, giving the second standing ovation of the night! GaGa is sobbing uncontrollably (I guess she was just born that way), and she is so proud of Marko. His mom is in the audience, and Marko apologizes for being a punk kid and professes his love for her, adding fuel to the panel and audience-wide waterworks. Rob thinks Allison is amazing, and that the two have an incredible partnership. Mary is amazed by the routine, loving its honesty, and calls out Marko as her favorite dancer! Despite running low on time, Nigel can’t be quick with the comments, savoring this ratings-getting moment, tell us all to tell our mothers we love them. Mine just happens to be sitting next to me, visiting from Northern California, creating a truly surreal moment for me personally.

We transition to the contestant on contestant dance numbers, starting with Caitlynn and Tadd, and their Jonathan Roberts foxtrot. Oh, the foxtrot, also usually known as the bathroom break routine. It’s classic Fred & Ginger, set to “Top Hat, White Tie and Tails” by Ella Fitzgerald. Caitlynn looks exquisite in a flowing white ballroom gown, and Tadd classy in a tux with tails. Rob thinks it sparkled from beginning to end, with the style suiting Caitlynn and Tadd being surprisingly good at it. Mary thinks they did well, but that the routine wasn’t very memorable. Nigel was in heaven watching the two of them. GaGa loves it, and then makes some weird comment about Caitlynn seeming like she’s won a bunch of competitions and that GaGa takes her platinum records off the wall to inspire herself to do it all again.

Marko and Ricky team up for a Nappy Tabs hip hop routine where they play waste management engineers, er, garbagemen in a piece obviously inspired by the Emilio Estevez/Charlie Sheen reggae-tinged movie Men At Work. There’s a lot of broom work (and some dance air guitar!) and they attack it. Ricky, being so tall and skinny, isn’t as comfortable as Marko out there but still holds his own. Oh, and it’s set to P Diddy’s “Bad Boy For Life.” Mary loves it and shows her approval by sheirking and piercing our collective ear drums. They “had the vibe and kept it right and tight,” said Mary, doing her best Don King impression. She also says they really “cleaned up!” The sanitation puns come fast and furious, with Nigel unable to avoid the temptation as well. He does predict that Ricky might be in the bottom. GaGa liked them, but didn’t love the routine, mentioned her childhood love of Stomp and her disapproval of the props in the piece. Rob is astonished by their range, and continues to change hue like a musical chameleon.

Two to go! Jordan and Jess bring their J’s together for Jason Gilkerson rumba. It’s about a woman who is stuck in a controlling relationship (why are almost all these routines about dysfunctional couples?) and it’s to the great Adele track “Set Fire to the Rain.” Jess continues his run of shoes wearing, and Jordan looks like Spiderman went through an office shredder. Nigel is impressed with the lifts, but doesn’t feel they had chemistry. GaGa thought there was nothing wrong with it and that it had moments, but wasn’t great, and didn’t like Gilkerson’s interpretation of the song. Rob thinks they brought the best out in each other! Mary also thinks their chemistry was lacking, but thought one back lift was the best lift of the season.

Finally, Sasha and Melanie team up for a Sonya Tayeh futuristic robot warrior faux hawk dansterpiece, to “Game On” by District 78. Bathed in green light, they do a lot of precise weird movement (and an extended crab walk sequence) and bring the house down. The ovation goes on an on, and the judges flip out! (Honestly, I love them both, but I thought the routine was good, but not quite up to the accolades bestowed on them). Rob thinks its unbelievable and talks about the Emmys won on the show. Mary thinks its the best piece of the night and the best piece Sonya has ever choreographed! Nigel thinks its fantastic and thinks Beyonce must have modeled her Sasha Fierce character after her. He starts to make a reference to the Bond flick Diamonds are Forever, but is upstaged by GaGa throwing her platform shoe to them. He predicts that one of them could win it all! (Ya think?)

Cat gives out the numbers, and we’re done! Hooray!

*He was Chewbacca. So, you know, you get the reference.

Cole, Vanessa and our favorite wise-cracking uncle Dave Coulier (“Full House,” “America’s Funniest People”) talk the origin of Cut It Out, Skating with Celebrities and Nancy Kerrigan, The Olsen Twins, rooming with Bob Saget, Jim Henson, a new booger sitcom, Brecht, Out of Control, Bernie Brillstein, the Bure Brothers, clean stand-up, The Jackalope, Santana Claus, nostrils, Detroit, unintentionally farting Muppet Babies, and where the characters from Full House (probably) are today!

Leave your answer to the firsts question (the car you first owned or considered yours) on our website for a chance to win a Full House Season 1 DVD set signed by Dave!

Vanessa here! Well, I haven’t watched the show since the last time I recapped, which feels like ages ago.  And from the look on Cat Deeley’s face, it was ages ago.  We are all ready for this to be over. Cole seems to be “unavailable” to do these recaps more and more frequently, and quite frankly, I am suspicious.

That “results night” even exists is very frustrating.  This whole show could be handled in two minutes or a quick list online.  But they know it’s cheap to make and they know we will watch it.  AND WE DO.

We start the night with a group number in BROADWAY STYLE; mind-blowingly to the song “On Broadway.”  From what I can gather, “Broadway Style” dance entails sparkly bowler hats– or if you think outside of the box, a sparkly top hat.  This whole opening number is very show-choir-meets-Burlesque and judging from the glitter-explosion at the end, Ke$ha had some h@nd in this fuckery.

That’s over!  Now Cat introduces our “jid-gez!”  Cat’s exhaustion manifests in her voice— her poshness sloppily dipping into pre-‘Enry ‘Iggans territory.   Joining the classy Nigel and the Insufferable Mary Murphy (a distant relative of the Unsinkable Molly Brown) is the darling and dashing Neil Patrick Harris.  A man so loveable not even the approaching stink of “The Smurfs” can stain him.   Cat calls him Doogie in a moment that is, I think, weird for all of us.  Cat, he’s so sick of being called Doogie.  It’s like only ever calling Ron Howard Opie.  We must move forward.

Then we go through the uncomfortable motions of bringing out the contestants three at a time and toying with their emotions in front of a live studio audience.

First trio up: Melanie, Tad and Marko.

We watch clips of what they did last night and the judges’ reactions.  The judges rave about Melanie, it looks like she did well.  Oh, now they are talking about Tad!  Tad is still on!!  Shit.  Boyfriend is so hot. I want to make a dance movie with him.

I play an upper-middle class girl from the suburbs forced by an unfortunate situation (Mom dies in a car wreck?  Stock market crash leaves my family broke? Re-zoning issue?) to transfer to a rough and terrifyingly hip-hop infested inner-city school. I listen to classical music on my discman, as I walk through the scary halls.  Everyone makes fun of me and calls me Whitebread.  Everyone except Tad.  From our first meeting, Tad loves the smell of me and wants to grind on me like a maniac.  It’s Twilight meets Save The Last Dance meets Splash. (Note: I am a mermaid.)

PLEASE DON’T STEAL THIS IDEA OR SHOW IT TO A PRODUCER YET—IT IS STILL IN THE VERY EARLY DEVELOPMENT STAGES.

Then we move to the considerably less delicious (in my eyes) Marko.  Marko did the samba last week, and he did a great job- such a great job, that in the judge’s footage I’m pretty sure Mary Murphy required a commercial break panty-change.

They are ALL safe! Then Cat makes fun of Marko for “literally looking so worried.” He doesn’t figuratively look worried like all these other saps.  MARKO IS FOR REAL!

Second Trio! Sasha, Clarice, and Jess.

In the clip footage Sasha looked freaking hot bumpin’ it with Twitch.  I want to dance with Twitch!  I HAVE ANOTHER MOVIE IDEA. But it’s not ready for the blog yet  I think Beyonce got the whole Sasha Fierce idea from this Sasha.  Girl is FIERCE.  She rocks her mohawk harder than most women could rock Barbarella hair. Clarice did Bollywood style, and she looks like she owned the actual dancing, but in the brief clip they show she was kissed by her partner twice and she looked game for it zero times.  That ain’t good kissin’ math, ya’ll! It doesn’t look to me like Jess did a super good job last night, but the judges sure act like he did.

RESULTS:  Clarice: NOT SAFE!!! Hugs! Shock! (But not really.)

We take a brief look at the all-stars that will be dancing with the contestants next week.  And by brief I mean, superfreakingfast.  Like 10 seconds.  Then Cat announces that coming soon is a performance by Blush featuring Snoop Dogg! When Cat says “Snoop Dog” I can just tell she is saying it with one “g” and thinking no one will notice.  Girl, I noticed.  You so white.  She moves on by announcing a guest judge that will be coming soon – LADY GAGA!  That’s right, The Lady Gaga.  In the eloquent words of Ms. Deeley,  “Lady Gager is gowen to be sat ovah thay.”

Third Trio, Ricky, Caitlynn and Jordan:

Ricky’s footage looks good, though a bit domestic-violencey.  Aw, sweet Rikki!  He reminds me of My So Called Life’s ‘Rickie’ and not just or the obvious reasons (matching name/brown/gay/enthusiastic.)  OK, maybe for the obvious reasons.  But seriously, do you guys remember how great that show was?  I do.  I IMDB’d Rickie, and I am sad to report he has not had the success of Claire Danes.  No Temple Grandin glory for him!  YET.  Never give up, Rickie! Caitlynn did a tango last night.  Damn, she is physically delicious, not unlike every other person on this show.  Jordan did a contemporary (and very crotchy) dance. The judges sang her praises, BUT Jordan is not safe!  Cat towers above her, offering a bony hug.  She will be Jordan’s escort through the river Styx.

Then, all hell breaks loose.  I run to get a refill (2 parts non-alcohol) because it seemed like it was a commercial break.  BUT IT WASN’T.  I come back– less than a minute later—to see a blond Harry Potter dancing like just found he got into Gryffindor.  What is happening?  Is this one of the dancers in an elaborate costume? There is some very strange mime work going on… transitioning into body popping to a French monologue. Then, it’s over. The stranger is quickly thanked, and he disappears.  I suppose I will never know the truth about what I just saw.

I spend the commercial break processing the whole ordeal, and am actually happy when the show comes back on.  At last, I can forget my troubles and lose myself in the DANCE.  But no!

A special segment about the dancers being…tested?  At the Gatorade Science Institute?  Cat looks as confused disturbed as I feel. We then cut to footage of Dwight Howard in an egg. Then quick shots of random other athletes in weird positions with tubes protruding… as if their experiences legitimize the sinister G.S.I.  The contestants are then tested on “state of the art” ikea furniture equipment. First, the Bod Pod: an airtight egg that measures your body fat. A great gift idea for the special lady in your life!  Then, the rigorous “D2” machine. The name says it all.  Just kidding, I have no idea what D2 stands for. Apparently it measures hand-eye coordination.  The D2 has nothing to do with the Mighty Ducks franchise, and is basically a glorified “Whack-A-Mole” without the thrill of whacking moles.  Lastly, they are tested on the i-Span.  Which is “even more intense than the D2.”  The G.S.I spokesperson, despite her labcoat, seems more like a Redbull girl than a scientist, and is very vague in her descriptions and assessments.  “They’re really fit very lean.”  Melanie is delighted, this PROVES that dancers are athletes! Because we all thought these gorgeous humans writhing and jumping as if they are possessed by otherworldly beings come to earth to destroy gravity were big fat sloppy couch potatoes.  THANKS FOR CLEARING THAT UP GATORADE.  Stick to AYSO soccer games and get off my TV.

Finally, we watch the solo performances that Cat has been pimping the whole time.  Clarice is up first!  It’s so pretty- and, it’s over.  These are 30 seconds?  What the freak? These solos are too fast. Well, good job Clarice, considering.  Have Cole or Heather been making Silence of the Lambs jokes?   Because I am tempted to say something about fava beans here, or mention her good bag and cheap shoes.

Apparently, Mitchell didn’t have time to put his costume on, so he was forced to dance in his undies, waving a towel. That towel better have a pay off!  And, it didn’t.  Your time is up, and your towel has sorely disappointed me. If you put a gun on a stage someone needs to get shot, and if you wave a towel around and somebody better get un-wet.

Jordan’s routine is a little snoozy.  Come on!  You have 30 seconds!  Do all the tricks your trainers have taught you!  Spin! Kick! Do the Pamchenko! **Gasp** THE PAMCHENKO!?

It’s Ricky’s turn, and he gets it. Fast music, showy moves!  You have my vote, Ricky.

Then we have a “special performance” by Blush featuring Snoop Dogg.  I have no previous knowledge of Blush- but she seems to make standard-issue pop music.  She’s off key, I think.  I mean, either she is or her music is.   Wait, is SHE Blush, or are they all Blush? If they’re all Blush, then that one girl is really trying to upstage them.

Snoop Dogg (who has been lurking in the background, pervily watching the young girls dance) lumbers downstage and lazily raps.  I love me some Snoop, but seriously, sometimes he just phones it in on cameos and lets his braided ponytails do all the work.  As soon as he finishes he clumsily exits with no fanfare and a ‘Hell, it’s a paycheck,” swagger.

I’m just going to say it- whoever or whatever Blush is- she/they don’t have star power.   BOLD STATEMENT, RAGLAND!

Blush is giving away 15,000 free downloads of the crap we just listened to!  And I am giving away 15,000 free craps I made myself.  WHO WILL SELL OUT FIRST?

Time to get down to business.  Who do we send home tonight, America! ?

Nigel takes a moment to remind us that this isn’t the end for whoever is voted off, and to let the dancers know they are all truly talented.   His speech is earnest and lovely, and reminds me why this show is good.  It’s not cynical; it’s a celebration of ability.  With no drum roll, Nigel swiftly announces that Mitchell and Clarice are going home.  This show doesn’t mess with us, and I appreciate that.  We have seen enough tonight, please give us what we came for.

There is a brief montage of Clarice’s best moments- she is so pretty.  It is buttoned by her quote, “I would just like to be remembered for really capturing the audience,” (so far, so good; but then she tacks on) “around the world.” As if it’s an understood afterthought.  Oh is that all? JUST for capturing the world?  Mission not accomplished. Ragland Business Tip: If you set your bar lower you will achieve more goals!   We see Mitchell’s montage, and it is clear, this boy was born to dance in his underpants.  His farewell speech is wonderfully humble and sweet and I love Mitchell! But now, it is time to go.

And it is also time for a refill.

Cole here! On my command—release the All-Stars! It’s time for the top ten dancers to be matched up with some of the best and most dynamic dancers the show ever saw! After their brief individual dance intros, Cat Deely appears in a tight shiny black dress with gold details (with echoes of those Egyptian dancers from that Michael Jackson “Black or White” video) and sets the stage—in addition to their routines, each dancer will be doing a solo. It’s time to meet our—JUDGES! (Audience 1, Cat 0) and, lo and behold, it’s Neil Patrick Harris, looking dapper in a striped suit! It’s Mary Murphy, looking more and more like Chester Cheetah every time we see her. It’s executive producer Nigel Lythgoe, who evidently put on his yuk-yuk cummerbund tonight as he attempted to plant zingers throughout the show. Nigel announces the on sale date for the summer tour (July 29th, for those of you interested in trying to land some sweet seats), and Neil congratulates Nigel on the success of the show and its impact on dance. To the routines!

First up is our favorite bullet-ridden boy Marko! He’s paired with Season 4’s Chelsea Hightower (no relation to the character from the  Police Academy series) and they’re doing a Jason Gilkerson samba. It’s about a photographer and his muse, and features a strategically placed chez lounge and loud camera shutter sound effects, set to a Kate Hudson (yes, THAT Kate Hudson) song from what I am assuming is the musical movie Nine (I didn’t see it, did anyone?). Marko looks sharp in a suit and pairs well with Chelsea, and the judges are impressed! Neil is the first to comment, and thinks it’s an amazing way to start the show and that Marko is the guy to beat in the competition. Mary says she’s going to get a little crazy and starts flinging jewelry off of her Cheeto skin. She thinks Marko is the real deal, and looking at the white tan-line goggles around her eyes I believe her. Nigel applauds him for pulling off the routine seamlessly, especially after seeing how many times Chelsea accidently kicked him in the face in rehearsal. It’s a strong opening for one of the frontrunners.

The first solo routine of the evening belongs to Sasha, who tumbles to Duffy’s “Syrup and Honey.” No feedback from the judges on the solos tonight, but the camera catches Nigel giving her an enthusiastic thumbs up!

The next pairing is our resident tiny sex kitten Jordan, who is paired with Season 6’s Brandon, who is still allergic to shirts but not muscle definition. It’s a contemporary routine from Desmond Richardson and Dwight Rhoden about love, to a live acoustic version of Jessie J’s “Who You Are.” It’s a pretty dynamic piece, and Jordan holds her own despite sharing the stage with one of the strongest dancers to ever come on the show. Mary praises Brandon and the choreographers, and thinks Jordan was fierce tonight. Nigel remarks that they are two of the best contemporary choreographers in the world, and that Jordan is more than able to do everything that was asked from her in a difficult routine. NPH thinks it’s breathtaking, and even though Brandon is magnificent, his eyes kept returning to Jordan. Jess is next up for a solo routine, to Harry Connick Jr.’s “Come By Me.” He’s wearing an argyle sweater and jazz shoes, and it’s a fairly casual piece, memorable only to me because of his choice of actual footwear.

It’s time for a Chuck Maldonado hip hop routine for the show’s only remaining B Boy, Tadd, and All-Star Comfort. It’s some combination of Gutter Sexy/Ghetto Fabulous, but Comfort doesn’t believe Tadd has much swag, until the camera dotes on his abs and commits to a comedic Cujo dog camera effect. The show does dancing great. Comedy, not so much. It’s set to Chris Brown’s “Look At Me Now,” heavily featuring the bits Busta Rhymes guests on, which makes sense as the routine is fast and furious. Nigel thinks is very very very very very very very fast, like listening to Mary Murphy talking! (Touche, you British Bulldog, you!) He thinks it was great fun, and that Tadd outdanced Comfort on it! Neil thinks it is amazing, and comments on an upcoming Spencer Liff hip hop routine on an episode of How I Met Your Mother. Nigel asks if Neil dances in the Smurfs movie, and Neil is quick to change the subject (for the record, he does some air guitar). Mary can’t believe Nigel is on her case tonight! She thinks Tadd knocked it out of the park, fired it out of a canon, and other mixed metaphors. Melanie’s solo is next, danced to a fun slow cover of Grease’s “You’re The One That I Want” by Angus & Julia Stone. It’s strong, as usual.

Mitchell and Season 1’s Melody (who? There was a show back then?) are paired for a Tyce Diorio Broadway routine! Remember how all the numbers up to this point were good? Well, get ready for that buttered popcorn Jelly Belly you weren’t ready for, ‘cuz this one is just terrible! It’s about FLYING! You know, the idea of flight, the mechanics, the take off, the landing, the tiny bathroom with blue water, the cashless cabin, the crying babies, the seats as floatation devices, the tiny bags of peanuts and pretzels, the in-flight presentation of Daredevil or something with Gerard Butler and/or Katherine Heigl…FLYING! It’s set to “Take Off With Us” from All That Jazz, and has Mitchell in a Captain’s shirt and tie, and Melody in…just a dance outfit. The routine is half-assed, danced well-enough, but really lackluster and unmemorable. Neil is first to comment, and tears Tyce a new one, much to my delight. He didn’t get the routine at all, and thinks it was disjointed and not well thought out. Mary thinks the number was fun, but overbaked, with too much mugging. Nigel agrees, thinking that Mitchell “over egged the pudding.” Here’s hoping there’s more quintessential English sayings upcoming from Mr. Lythgoe! “That was a bit of bangers and mash, pip pip, like a bird in a lorry on her way to University, Mitchell!,” or something. Solo time for Ricky, who showcases his leg extension to “Daylight Breaks” by Cassidy Haley. He scurries off the stage, and Cat has to plead for him to return so she can read off his call-in numbers.

That brings us to another solo, this time by Clarice, to “Royal T” by Crookers featuring Roisin Murphy. There’s lots of leg lifts, and an odd red sash thingy on her right hip. Sometimes I think these dancers either lost a bet or are being dressed by vindictive pre-schoolers. The next couple to dance are Caitlynn and Season 3 hunk Pasha, who get to do a stylish tango from choreographers Miriam Larici and Leonardo Barrionuevo. They are a disconnected couple who are brought back together by the dance, and it starts with Pasha playing a phonograph. It’s an elegant routine of a by-gone era, and Clarice excels and partners great with him. Mary gives it a standing ovation! It’s the first Argentine Tango of the season, and she thinks it was well worth the wait. Both Mary and Nigel are impressed at Clarice’s maturity in the piece, thinking she’s turned a corner with that routine. Neil thinks it started a bit slow, but was then mesmerized by it, and now would like to learn the Argentine Tango! Mitchell’s solo is next, to John Legend’s “This Time.” He’s only wearing white shorts, which bunch a bit and make it look like he’s dancing in a giant diaper. Still, he’s got some serious skills, if not unpredictable bowel behavior.

Sasha and Twitch, the uber-popular Season 4 contestant who also appeared in the flick Step Up 3D (which is actually quite a lot of fun), get together for a Christopher Scott hip hop routine about a relationship regaining its spark over the breakfast table. It’s got a serious 70s soul vibe (and is set to a great song—“Misty Blue” by Dorothy Moore) and these two SLAY it. It’s one of the best routines of the season and the best of the night by far. The audience goes nuts for it, and Nigel jokes that all he got for breakfast was Corn Flakes. Nigel thinks it was a super memorable routine, and that this is the first time Sasha has had real chemistry with her partner. Neil thinks it’s the best routine of the night and hopes they do it on the tour and the finale, and Mary thinks they need to call in the Sheriff, Fire Department and Paramedics, mostly because she likes to waste our tax dollars. Jordan’s solo is to Lykke Li’s “Tonight,” (great choice), and she tumbles a bunch in a black dance negligee.

Jess and Season 6’s Kathryn draw a Stacey Tookey contemporary routine chock full of lifts, Jess’ personal Professor Moriarty. Although the piece itself doesn’t have a lot going on, story-wise, it’s full of some powerful movements that match the emotion of the song (“The Lonely” by Christina Perri), and Jess performs the lifts admirably, despite returning to his barefeet and his Shoeless Jess Jackson nickname I just coined for him. Neil thinks he can be too muggy, but that he toned that down and danced this routine well. It’s also Mary’s favorite Jess routine to date. Nigel thinks the piece has more lifts than Joan Rivers face (ZING! SQUIRTING FLOWER! HAND BUZZER! WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA) and admires Jess in the piece. Next up, Tadd dances a solo littered with floor work and a stage hang set to Robin Thicke’s “Everything I Can’t Have.” It is refreshing to still have a dancer in the competition who can do some tricks.

Overall favorite Melanie pairs with Pasha for a Viennese Waltz, and I cross my fingers hoping it’s an interesting piece, as these can be the kiss of death of many competitors. Thankfully, Jason Gilkerson put together a lovely routine, and Melanie looks jaw-droppingly beautiful in a flowing white gown, gliding to a cover of R.E.M.’s “Everybody Hurts” by Tina Arena. Mary thinks the transitions were perfect, and is in awe of Melanie’s ability to move in and out of lifts without looking like she ever touches the floor. Nigel thinks it is a masterclass in lift technique, and Neil says that she is easily his favorite dancer on the show. Another strong outing for Melanie, who looks to walk away with this competition if she keeps it up! Caitlynn’s solo is to “Cosmic Love” by Florence and the Machine, and she’s got another strange apparition around her waist, making me wonder if there is a side program being filmed called So You Think You Can Sash.

Ricky and the lovely Allison from Season 2 (one of my all-time faves on the show) get paired with Tyce Diorio, who looks to redeem himself with a jazz routine to “Precious Things” by Tori Amos. It’s a dark piece that’s supposed to be like a bad dream, and thankfully it’s well thought out and danced by the pair of them. Nigel congratulates Tyce on the routine, and says Ricky held his own with the tremendous Allison. Neil is impressed, too, and thinks it was a bold choice of Tyce to give this piece to Ricky, who usually dances pretty young. It’s apparent from the look on Tyce’s face that he’s still stewing over Neil’s early comments on his abominable Broadway flying routine. Mary normally calls Tyce Dr. Feelgood (…cuz, um, he’s the one that makes you feel all right?) and admires the twistedness of the routine, and singles out Ricky’s powerful single arm lift.

Two routines to go, one solo and one paired! The last solo belongs to Marko, who takes the stage to Gavin DeGraw’s “More Than Anyone.” It’s pretty strong. The last couple is Clarice and Season 7’s Robert, who close the show with a Bollywood routine from Nakul Dev Mahajan, set to “Aila Re Aila” from the Khatta Meetha soundtrack (which I’m assuming is a movie that will soon be remade in America with Jaden Smith or something). It’s super fast and precise like all of his previous Bollywood numbers, and the two of them put their all into it, wearing glittery sequined outfits that would make Liberace blush. Neil loved it, and is happy that he finally connected with Clarice (I guess you just need to be there sitting across from her!). Mary starts her review with “From Bollywood to Hollywood…” doing her best Gene Shalit impression. She found it to be exhilarating and a lot of fun. Nigel thinks it’s a great way to close the show and loves the style of it.

Cat rattles off the numbers and turns it over to you, America! So vote now and vote often!*

*voting is probably closed by the time I post this. Why? It takes a long time to write these and I’m a little hungover. Leave me alone!

Cole, Vanessa and quintessential ’80s teen bully William Zabka (“The Karate Kid,” “Back to School”) talk the Roast of Charlie Sheen, the Academy Award nominated short Most, Rodney Dangerfield’s diving double, tongue razorblades, No More Kings’ Sweep The Leg video, HFF (Hold For Francis), high school drama teachers, European Vacation, reading for Johnny, Tank Girl, caves full of candy, turning down Better Off Dead, Karate tournaments, and Vanessa’s awful jogging wounds.

Leave your answer to the Firsts question (the first embarrassing outfit your parents dressed you in) on our website for a chance to win a Karate Kid DVD signed by our guest!

Cole has a doctor’s note excusing him from this week’s Results Show recap (something about extreme sexual exhaustion), so this is Heather checking in and hitting the barre in his absence.

A freshly Emmy nominated Cat opens the show in a reincarnated toga. She’s gorgeous, even though she looks like a stunt double from Troy. Tonight’s group dance begins with Sexy Jordan doing a solo in an enormous cape/skirt thing. The way the guys spread open the parachute of a dress and billow its edges is a dead giveaway: choreographer Kelly Abbey has been stealing ideas from her local Gymboree.  The music is called “Fuego,” which combined with the imagery of giant red labia (no? is it just me?) is a clear acknowledgement to the plight of those battling venereal disease.

We see tonight’s… (cue audience) JUDGES! and the atmosphere is electric with all the Emmy news. Guest judge Jesse Tyler Perry Como Estas Ferguson gets a nod for his Modern Family role, and SYTYCD takes 5 of the 6 nominations for Outstanding Choreography. Nigel shows us his “small package”… of choreography highlights from the season. The 6th nomination, although it’s not mentioned, went to Mhickynnleigh’s moving “ah want mah sequined ah-lashes!” temper tantrum from Toddlers & Tiaras.

The first couples on stage are Clarice & No-Longer-Shoeless Jess, and Caitlynn & Mitchell. While they are playing clips from last night, it suddenly occurs to me: the juxtaposition of Caitlynn & Mitchell’s Invisible Children of Uganda dance with their domestic violence-friendly jazz piece is hilarious. Anyway, Nigel had his fingers and bicuspids crossed for Clarice and Baby Joey Tribbiani, and sure enough they are safe, sending the other battle-worn duo off to warm up.

Next week’s format change means the dancers will be paired with both fellow contestants and with the All Stars. In a truly upsetting announcement, Nigel breaks some news about Dancing Asian Extraordinaire Alex Wong. He was scheduled to perform, but in a horrific twist of fate and tendons, he was injured over the weekend. Alex, my darling leaping lord: no more anatomy-defying jetés! The rest of the selected cast members showcase a great variety of styles and represent each of the previous 7 seasons.

As for the current dancers, the next couples are a straight-haired Ryan & Ricky and America’s Smooching Sweethearts Melanie & Marko. In a reveal that’s more predictable than Jamie Lee Curtis’ bowel movements, Ryan & Ricky are the pair that end up in the toilet. Lastly, it’s down to Jordan & Tadd, who had one wild and one mild routine, and the ferocious Sasha & Alexander. Between their gender bending Paso Doble and prop-tastic Tyce DiOrio jazz, they were owning and killing and breaking shit left and right. Hang on to your top hats, though, because they are in the bottom 3! They are the only ones who don’t seem surprised, and Sasha even admits to being excited about doing her solo. Meanwhile, Tadd is hanging off Jordan’s shoulders as she walks off stage when he suddenly comes down with Alex Wong Syndrome; both legs magically give out and Jordan is left to drag him away. Sheesh! Men! Always making us cook and clean and haul their limp bodies around; am I right ladies? (I’d like to give a shout out to Roy Handler and thank him for letting me borrow his catchphrase).

The next performance is by Jason Samuels Smith and his asking-to-be-proven-wrong “Anyone Can Get It” dance company. Despite the name, they deliver an extremely complex and entertaining show. If Sammy Davis Jr, the cast of Stomp, and Jay Z got together and had a baby, that baby would want to grow up and see these dancers perform. The rhythmic and crisp beats on the raised wooden platform outshine their admittedly generic rap, but their creativity is refreshing. The whole thing is done without music, which is even more impressive. They constantly look like they’re about to lose their footing altogether, but **spoiler alert!!** nobody dies. One of the dancers is last year’s tap prodigy Melinda Sullivan, who looks great.

After the break, Nigel is seen wearing an… artistic? t-shirt with a “dance 4 your life” graphic. He explains how it’s part of National Dance Day (July 30th, boys and girls!) which is being sponsored by the Dizzy Feet Foundation and, I swear I’m not making this up, the Larry King Cardiac Foundation. Apparently, the Giorgio Armani Melanoma Alliance and the Keith Richards Hepatic Coalition were unavailable.

The night’s first solo goes to Caitlynn, who spends 27 of her 30 seconds with her legs in some sort of aerial split. Mitchell comes out (onto the stage…) in a blue lycra bodysuit and powers through a warrior-type display of leaps and turns. Ryan gives us a unique 80’s style dance with modern hip hop isolations, but it’s noticeably lacking in the big tricks everyone else seems to rely on. Ricky’s solo (set to a Queen song… is there something he’s trying to say?) has his usual ballet/martial arts/contemporary style, and he throws in a cool one-handed back walkover. Something about his open shirt and skinny jeans emphasizes his surprisingly delicate build; has anyone ever seen him and Kate Moss in the same room together? Sasha’s first time as a soloist isn’t nearly as strong as we’ve seen from her before, but her funky, syncopated wiggling to Bobby McFerrin gets the job done. Finally, Alex does a “matador fighting a giant DeBeers diamond” routine. He really amps up the difficulty level, but it doesn’t end up being a smart move when he fumbles and falls out of several moves. Ryan and Sasha are actually the only dancers who don’t pirouette and /or fuettée in place for 20 minutes, which I hope the judges will appreciate. This isn’t So You Think You Can Spin a Hole into the Stage.

As Cat sends the judges off to deliberate, Jesse James Tyler Durden feigns an escape attempt. Cat reminds him that we’ve “shut the door, shut the garage door…” and he immediately calls her Kristin Chenoweth. This brings me great joy for some deep-rooted, unexplained reason. Speaking of unexplained (you can call me Woz ‘cause I’m a master of the segue), a ridiculously complicated system of risers, stairs, lights, fog machines, and the entrance to Mordor appears for “musical” “guest” Nicole Schrodinger of the Paradox Cat Dolls. I could only handle being told to “dance with your body” for so long (what the fuck else am I supposed to dance with? the deer carcass that’s been rotting on the side of the road for 3 days?) before I had to mute J Lo Lite.

As soon as Nicole Schlitterbahn’s time is up and the judges are back in their seats, it’s time for results.  With the girls, they are unanimous. Caitlynn’s solo was good but her “body of work” needs improvement. Ryan is lackluster and appears depressed, to which she quickly responds by breaking into a big smile and mouthing “I’m not!” in spite of her accumulating tears. Sasha is a fabulous dancer even though she didn’t “knock out” the judges with her solo. No surprises here, but Ryan is chosen to go home. She accepts the decision gracefully and wants to be remembered for her heart and soul, which is weird because she never even sat down at a piano. For the boys, we’re told it’s a 3 to 1 vote. Mitchell tends to “peak and trough” but had a good solo. Ricky’s dance for his life was one of Nigel’s all time favorites, and he doesn’t get a word of criticism. Alexander “found himself” last night, but had a technically poor solo, and he’s going home. It’s the first splitting of a couple this season, but it won’t really matter since everyone will be getting new partners weekly from here on out. It’ll be just like that other show about swapping couples… what’s it called? Oh yeah. Sister Wives.

Next week promises to bring thrills, spills, and hoards of screaming girls when Pasha and Robert appear on stage. It will be interesting to see how our dancers do with new partners. Will Melanie & Marko’s magical magnetism melt? Will Caitlynn be on the giving or receiving end of a fist? Will Tadd leave his shirt off for the love of humanity? It’s anybody’s guess! We’ll just have to stay tuned.

–Follow Heather on Twitter! @heatherrecently

Ok, ok, Cole here. I know I missed the results show recap last week, and I’ll endeavor to do it tonight, but for the business at hand—it’s the last performance show for the top six couples! After this week, they’ll be split up and paired with SYTYCD All-Stars. Cat Deely, in a silvery dress with what appears to be ostrich feathers looks lovely as always (I exclaimed, out loud, to no one, “Oooh! A sparkly!” a la Jeremy the crow in Secret of Nimh when she appeared) intros all of the dancers, and then it’s time to meet our judges (Cat goes back to letting the audience fill in her catch phrase again, thus officially starting the “Will she say or won’t she say it?” Cat Deely drinking game). It’s special guest Jesse Tyler Ferguson from one of the best comedies on television Modern Family! He’s a big fan of the show and seems super tickled to be there. Next is intense choreographer Sonya Tayeh, wearing her usual Mad Max casual. Mary Murphy and Nigel Lythgoe are there as always, and are about to lock lips when Cat stops them. I only wish Cat had stopped several of the contestants and choreographers, who once again are obsessed with osculation!

We’re told that there will be * gulp * TWELVE routines this week, a delightful surprise for viewers and a nightmarish scenario for a recapper. First up are Sasha and Alexander, who get a Tony Meredith and Melanie Lapatin Paso Doble routine. It’s not your everyday Paso Doble, says Melanie, but more of a battle dance (kinda like in the movie Strictly Ballroom, am I right?), set to that classic tune, “Alley Dash/March of the Trolls.” Which version? The Taylor Long/Rick Powell original, of course! They’re both wearing silver-bedazzled black outfits, and dance it pretty well, ending with an aggressive, perhaps impromptu, kiss from Sasha. Nigel thinks some of it was a little sloppy but otherwise thinks it is great. Mary asks the audience for an OLE ‘cuz they’ve earned it (maybe if there’s a Latin routine in a library next week, she can elicit a BIBLIOTECA from the crowd) and rattles off a list of words that sounds like she’s describing Pace Picante sauce instead of choreography. She says Sasha could be a bull, a matador, a Spanish dancer, or a cape, but leaves off other questionable career choices like paint, a jockey, or a fire hydrant. Jesse thinks it was highly dramatical and loved it, and Sonya thinks it was amazing, and admires Sasha’s strength, but doesn’t always trust Alexander’s partnering. Alexander is quick to point out that the routine is dedicated to Tony and Melanie’s friend who is battling cancer.

Jordan and Tadd get to work with Travis Wall, which is always a sign that you’ll do well. It’s a contemporary routine that’s a metaphor for women who take advantage of weak men, with Tadd as a lost traveler and Jordan as a sexy vulture, set to “Brotsjor” by Olafur Arnalds (say that five times fast). As usual, it’s an extraordinary piece of choreography and they nail it, ending with that ol’ dance favorite, simulated neck breaking! White Swan, Tadd and Black Swan face the judges and its high marks all around! Mary thinks it was beautiful and dark, Jesse pokes fun at Randy Jackson (the guys are in it to win it!), Sonya loves the true artistry and wishes she could swear, and Nigel thinks it was remarkable, particularly Tadd’s flip jump. Seems that Jordan and Tadd are a lock for the top ten…until later…

Ryan and Ricky get to get their jazz hands on with a Spencer Liff Broadway routine! Ricky is a dude waiting outside a movie theater and the movie poster comes to life! No,  it’s not a Transformer or the Zookeeper he gets to cut a rug with, but Ryan in her best Audrey Hepburn garb. Set to Frank Sinatra’s “All I Need Is the Girl”, it starts promisingly enough, but there just isn’t much to it, and the judges jump all over it. Jesse is a big fan, but thinks the routine had a glass ceiling on it and didn’t allow them to reach their true potential. Sonya feels they were questioning it and just let it simmer, and they two of them receive their first boos of the season, and hate it. Nigel and Mary agree, remarking that it’s all about the style and that they didn’t quite capture it.

Caitlynn and Mitchell are up next for the most muddled and misguided routine of the night, a Christopher Scott hip-hop routine that is suppose to shed a light on the children in Uganda and Congo being used to fight wars. How better to bring attention to this serious plight than sloppy execution and blunt tanktops with “Invisible Children” scrawled across them! It’s disaster from the get go, even with a strong Lupe Fiasco tune to dance to. The audience gives a sluggish standing ovation, because they feel like they are supposed to given the subject matter. Sonya loves Chris Scott, but didn’t feel the kinetic energy the piece was supposed to have. Nigel thinks the piece needed harder work, and didn’t understand what it had to do with abductees in the Congo. Mary thinks it was still pretty strong and demanded attention, and Jesse agree with all but thinks they both have a mack truck-load of intensity.

Melanie and Marko are up next, and promise to cleanse our soured palates with a tango from Louie Van Amstel Light (seriously, that’s a promotional angle you need to take advantage of, Louie!) He says there is no storyline, but given that last “important” dance, I feel like I need to give it and all the routines that follow one, so let’s say it’s about the injustice of Terriers not being renewed for a second season. It’s a sexy lil’ number set to “Triptico” by Gotan Project, and Melanie is breathtaking in a backless red doily dress. It ends with a killer lift, which the judges are in awe of. Nigel remarks that they haven’t really been challenged until now, but thought they took some Limitless pills and crushed it! List-making Mary tells us about all the different kinds of tangos, then says that they pulled it off despite a few awkward shapes. Jesse is a gigantic fan and thinks they have a great spark—he also makes a joke about Mary being a lost Osmond, which is pretty dead on. Sonya pays a high compliment by saying she loses her breath every time she sees them dance.

Jess and Clarice are the last of the top six couples to take the stage, and they get a lyrical hip hop routine from Chris Scott, about women’s insecurities, and not the Triangle Factory Fire of 1911. It’s got a lot of precise and fast tutting, which has Jess worried. It’s that famous Bruno Mars track “Just the Way You Are,” but covered by a band called “Boyce Avenue,”  and starts with a prop dressing table. WHAT’S THIS? JESS IS WEARING SHOES! QUICK! EVERYONE MAKE SURE THE TIME SPACE CONTINUM IS UNCHANGED! DO YOU ALL STILL HAVE YOUR LIMBS? WHO IS PRESIDENT? Ok, I think nothing was affected, and the routine is sweet and fun, despite the creepy dripping portrait revealed at the end. Jess soaks up the applause and makes some Broadway gang signs. Mary thinks it was cute and amazing, and drops the term “swag,” which people need to stop throwing around like Rip Taylor confetti. Jesse didn’t care for it—HAPPY OPPOSITE DAY—and loves it! He asks if Clarice has a boyfriend (she does, he does too) but suggests they get married ‘cuz she makes him so happy. Sonya thinks they slayed it, and Nigel loves the simple story and bounce on the choruses.

Round two! Fight!

Sasha and Alexander return for a—oh f&%# me—Tyce DiOrio routine. Tyce and his “facial hair” inform us that it’s a dance ABOUT LIFE, you guys! And about, um, err, the discontinuation of New Coke in 1986. “That’s Life”, Aretha Franklin version, starts, and despite a good amount of prop lamppost humping, it’s actually well choreographed and danced, and Tyce receives a pass from me for the rest of the night (you’ve won this round, DiOrio!) There’s some sort of weird screw up at the end and Sasha just remarks “That’s life!” and all is forgiven. It’s Jesse’s favorite number of the night! Sonya wants to swear again, and then sort of cusses by saying that Tyce is a diverse choreographer. I mean, he does Broadway, and jazz, and jazz-Broadway, and Jazzway, and Brazz! Nigel decides to keep it real, and points out that Sasha has been carrying Alexander all season, but that tonight is his breakthrough, which everyone agrees with. Mary loves the freedom he danced with, and is thrilled.

It’s time for another Broadway routine from Spencer Liff, with Jordan and Tadd—it’s a story about a princess who has been sleeping for a century, awaiting a Prince to wake her up with a…well, you know the drill. It’s also about The Air Up There not being available on DVD.  “Out Tonight” from the Rent Broadway Cast plays while Tadd, wearing a steampunk meets West Hollywood Prince outfit, and Jordan, in multi-colored tutu, do their best to get through this hodge-podge, unmemorable routine. The judges ain’t havin’ it! Sonya is underwhelmed, Nigel thinks it could have been quirkier, Mary thinks it was like cotton candy, and Jesse thinks they’ll be ok since their first number was so strong.

Ryan and Ricky return for Louie Von Amstel’s Cha Cha. It’s a dance of fire, and Louie promises they won’t be in the bottom three again (they will). It’s also a dance of earth, water, and wind, and is sponsored by M. Night Symalan’s Avatar II: Attack of Little Baldy (not true). Ricky hints that it will be Hot Tamale Train-able, and he’s sort of right. Sort of it. It’s to Enrique Inglesias’ “Tonight (I’m Lovin’ You)” and the whole thing comes off a bit frazzled, but good in spots. High marks for Ricky from everyone, but they all agree that Ryan was a bit sloppy. Mary puts Ricky on the Hot Tamale Train, but leaves Ryan off, so she’ll have to travel much more sensibly on Amtrak. They are in trouble going into the results show tonight.

Take two from Travis Wall, a contemporary piece with Caitlynn and Mitchell, about a rock star who finds out her lover is married (and the rising prices of bacon this summer). That. Will. Not. Stand! So she gets back at him by dancin’ in lingerie to Janis Joplin’s “Piece of My Heart.”  They nail it, and Mary loves the intensity and naughtiness of it. Jesse makes a Smokey the Bear joke which falls flat, but I liked it, and he likes the routine. Sonya thinks it was really, really hot, and thinks its disturbing how smokin’ Caitlynn is, especially considering her age. Nigel agrees, and doesn’t want to say anything else for fear of incriminating himself as a dirty old man (which is has already done time and time again, with a pervosity needle at 11).

Melanie and Marko are back, this time with a contemporary routine from Dee Caspary about a couple slipping in and out of the light. See, he’s in a dark place, and he isn’t sure he should go towards the light, and Melanie is trying to make him, and poor little Carol Ann is still stuck in the television set unsure of where to run. The song is “Skin &Bones” by David J. Roch, and it starts what is now to be known as “The Moth Routine.” There’s a single hanging lightbulb onstage and two bright follow spots, and although the piece is well danced and well choreographed, I couldn’t help but wonder how much cooler it could have been if that lightbulb was the only illumination. Jesse’s mind has been blown! Sonya is grateful that this is the future of dance and thanks them. Nigel is excited about breaking up the couples on next week’s show, but sad that their partnership has to come to an end, as they are magic dancing together. Mary thinks it is flawless!

One to go! It’s Jess and Clarice, doing a jive from Tony and Melanie, about the healing powers of cilantro, er, Rock n’ Roll! It promises to be fast, fast, fast, and sort of is, is, is. Robert Randolph’s “Ain’t Nothing Wrong With That” scores the routine, with Jess wearing shoes yet again! Is this the start of the Jess footwear revolution? The dancers lose steam a bit towards the end but pull it off, and the judges are losing steam as well (not to mention time), so Sonya rattles off “Adorable perfect amazing!” Nigel thinks it was very good, with great kicks, but thinks the lifts looked a little uncomfortable. Mary thought the spirit of the jive was lacking a bit, as was the animation on Jess’ face. Jesse doesn’t own the keys to broadway, Neil Patrick Harris does, but wishes he could give them to Jess. Jesse also points out that Emmy nominations are coming tomorrow and singles out Cat Deely as deserving (and, as it turns out, she scored her first nomination this morning!)

Cat is a bit choked up by the sentiment, and throws to the numbers and routine recaps for the night. With a few moments left, Nigel urges everyone to vote, and reminds us that the couples will be no more and that the So You Think You Can Dance All-Stars will be announced soon. Somehow, I think it will end up being a bunch of New York Yankees.

Cole, Vanessa and voice-acting king Rob Paulsen (“Animaniacs,” “Pinky and the Brain”) talk the Efron/Tisdale kiss, Transformers 3, Shy Beef, Joey Chestnut and competitive eaters, Parisian things, playing at Joe Louis with Mr. Hockey, the Chuck Norris Trophy, Frank Welker, Man vs. Food, Dick Beals’ book upsell, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, voicing Carl Wheezer, Michael Bay’s Got Milk spot, alternative pipes for Biden and Obama, and Rob’s amazing Yakko’s World performance!

Leave a comment with your answer to the Firsts question (the first sports team you played on as a kid, and what position you played) for a chance to win a Pinky and the Brain DVD set signed by our guest!

Be sure to visit Rob on his cool website, www.robpaulsenlive.com!

Ok! Cole’s back in dance recap action—I apologize for my absence the last couple weeks (I was traveling for business, seriously!) Many thanks to Vanessa and Heather for filling in and I’m sure we’ll be seeing more from them as I flake out in the future.

It’s time for our Top 14 couples to take the stage for their intro mini-dances—it’s apparent just from the audience response Melanie and Marko get that they are clearly the front runners. Cat appears in an absolutely fetching light blue kimono-like mini dress and I make audible ga-ga noises. She introduces our judges (and now she says it all the time—this is CLEARLY my influence) and it’s fun to see former-contestant-turned-choreographer-turned-velvet-painting Travis Wall on the panel! He’s joined by Carmen Electra, who is wearing some sort of sheer Kiss of the Spider Woman VHS cover top. Apparently, she started dancing when she was five, and did ballet and modern dance at a performing arts school in Cincinnati, which would explain how she was able to nail all of that “running on the beach” choreography she did on television. Also on the panel are Mary Murphy, who looks more and more like a third place medal every show, and Executive Producer Nigel Lythgoe, dapper and pervy as always.

After the break, all seven of the guys take the stage for a Justin Giles routine detailing the seven stages of grief—the choreographer informs us that the stages they’ll be dancing are shock, anger, denial, depression, guilt, bargaining and acceptance. Bummed we didn’t get to see sleepy, dopey, sneezy or Doc. The piece is set to Damien Rice’s “Prague,” with each of the dancers in individual spotlights. Jess continues his tradition of no-shoes dancing (he would NEVER get service in a fast-food joint), Marko looks like he’s ready to compete against Van Damme in Bloodsport, Chris appears to be hopelessly lost inside the recesses of his hoodie (I guess that was…bargaining?). It’s sort of interesting, and has a kind of cool Matrix bullet-time effect towards the end. It’s a decent way to start the show, but nothing too exceptional.

Cat is surrounded by a sea of shitty producer-generated audience signs (Crazy 4 Clarice! Go Alexander!). She introduces the first couple of the night, golden children Melanie and Marko. We learn that Marko is originally from Guam, and worked on a cruise ship in a Drag Queen show! He stresses (repeatedly) that he WASN’T the drag queen, but had to dress as a girl (which makes him a drag, um, duchess or something?). Melanie, who impressed Lil C so much he commented that “Zeus himself would let you dance at Olympus” (and then probably bandied about words like “phantasmagorical,” “malevolent,” and “forsooth”), is from Atlanta, but went to Fordham University for Art. She talks about her boyfriend Mitchell, who has to deal with all her Marko-smooching (much, much, much is made of this and kissing in general throughout the show. Get a room, program!). They’re doing a jazz routine by Ray Leeper, which follows a latino couple who fall in love despite being from feuding families, set to “Americano” by Lady Gaga. Can we please go ONE SHOW without a routine set to the Gahgs? Marko is wearing red pants, no shirt and black straps, resembling some sort of S&M Pinocchio, while Melanie looks sort of like Raggedy Ann gone Saloon Girl. Not surprisingly, they kill the routine! Travis thinks it’s a great way to start the show, and admits that Melanie is his favorite dancer this season. Carmen thinks it’s so, so strong, and is enamored with Melanie’s legs (aren’t we all?). Mary says WOW and proclaims that Marko is The Domination Man! Cat is quick to clarify that she didn’t mean The Demolition Man, since for a moment there we confused Marko with a highlighted-hair Wesley Snipes or maybe Sandra “Lenina Huxley” Bullock. Nigel thinks they have great chemistry as a couple, and calls out Marko for his drag show days. Cat counters with a “didn’t inhale” joke, which is actually quite clever in the moment.

Next up are Sasha and Alexander! Sasha is from Bakersfield and a large Trinidadian family, where they’re always partyin’! Oh, and they sing everyone’s favorite Alan Arkin penned tropical diddy, “The Banana Boat Song!” Alexander is from Alhambra, and started dancing late. His dad was an actor in the 70s and appeared on shows like Barney Miller, TJ Hooker and Hill Street Blues, making him the coolest dad on the show, period. They’re charged with a Shaun Evaristo hip-hop routine. It’s about a first date. See, Alexander wants a…wait for it…KISS at the end of the night, and Sasha just ain’t havin’ it! Also, Alexander just doesn’t have swag, so Shaun explains the rules of Swag Camp (sadly, not talking about Swag Camp isn’t one of them). It’s done to a light R&B tune called “To the Moon” by Miguel, and features a static, lonely tree in the middle of the stage, which they kinda use for a beat or two during the lackluster routine. It ends with a super-fake kiss at the end, which makes Melanie & Marko’s lip-locking seems like hardcore pornography. Carmen thinks “DANG GIRL! You were poppin’ so hard!” (Not pills, like me, trying to make it through the rest of the show) She doesn’t see much chemistry between them, though, which is echoed by the rest of the judges. Mary thinks it was lacking, Nigel thinks it felt like Hip Hop 101, and Travis thought it was ok, but think they need to work on their musicality and shading.

Jordan and Tadd. Jordan is from Chino Hills, CA (wait, isn’t that where that no-good-kid from the show The O.C. was from? Or was that just Chino? Is anybody listening?) Jordan was a normal kid who played every sport imaginable and never dreamed of being the resident sexy dancer on a FOX reality competition. Tadd is from Salt Lake City, but spent some time in San Francisco, and is proud to represent Filipino’s on the show. They’ve drawn a smooth waltz from Toni Redpath, who’s not on the warpath for once and seems relatively calm. Jordan is a siren (“oh, like a Mermaid!” she remarks, furthering her Rhodes Scholar status) and Tadd is trying to resist her song and her deadly…yep…KISS. (Does this show come with Chapstick?) It’s to “Nocturn” by Secret Garden (or is it from the musical Secret Garden? My notes fail me) and the stage is absolutely engulfed by fog, like I’m at a Def Leppard Hysteria concert. Instead of pouring some sugar on me, they lightly drizzy a boring waltz for a few minutes near me, despite a few nice lifts. Mary proceeds to give us a history lesson on waltzes (they were quite scandalous in the 1800s, and people made sarcastic remarks about th—ZZZZZZZ) She thinks it was dreamy and romantic and likes it. Nigel is impressed by both of them, especially Tadd who is outside his comfort zone. He then talks about fish lifts and progressive twinkles, and the proceedings take on a distinct Narnian flair for a moment or two. Carmen enjoyed it, but admits that she doesn’t know much about waltz, but DOES know how she feels, proving that not all Hollywood starlets are dead inside.

Clarice and Razz-ma-Jess and his perpetual jazz hands are next up. Clarice hails from Whittier, California and goes to Cal State Long Beach. Her folks sacrified a lot for her dance and blah blah blah support blah blah love blah blah feelings. Jess is from Little Falls, New Jersey, and –SHOCKER—he’s been a performer all his life! They show some B-Roll of Jess as a five year old sequined guido, and he raves about all four years of his high school experience. It’s time for a Justin Giles contemporary routine, about a couple who have gone through a super intense love that is coming to an end. I hope there’s a kiss involved someplace! Nope, just a bunch of precise, hard-hitting movements to “Light Through the Branches” by Celeste Lear. Jess again repels all footwear. The couple dances it very well, and the judges are happy. Travis was, like, you guys just came alive! Nigel loved it, and believes their chemistry. Carmen believed in their story, and felt their anger and passion, Mary thinks they are improving every week as a couple and has high hopes for them.

Only a few more to go! Ashley and Chris are on deck. Ashley is from Antioch and is a Deacon’s daughter. She also loves to cook and treats us to a moment of her would-be charisma-less food show (mmmm! Blandtastic!) Dallas-bred Chris is from a gigantic seven kid family, and had a hard time getting through school due to dyslexia, a word I always reverse the y and the s in. It’s a Liz Lira Salsa routine, and although the lifts are spicy, her on-cameraness is not. “Mambo Beat” by Tito Puente begins, and the dancers do their best to get through it, to sadly bad reviews from the judges. There’s even a moment in there where I thought I saw a glimpse of an arm movement from the African Anteater Dance from Can’t Buy Me Love. Travis loves them, but thought there was a bit of a disconnect and not enough Latin flavor. Carmen thinks (and this is a direct quote) “Ya know, Salsa is, it’s hot, it’s on fire, it’s passionate, it’s sharp, it has so much.” (Lil C she is not). Mary thinks it had moments of heat, but wasn’t nearly as hot as their week two routine that put them on her Hot Tamale Train (has that thing derailed yet? I’d rather deal with the Polar Express and it’s creepy motion-capture animation than her shrieking spice locomotive). Nigel was impressed but some of the lifts, but didn’t think they got into the Salsa freedom (one of Elton John’s lesser songs). Nigel is also uncomfortable talking about Chris’ hips, but as we learned from Shakira, they don’t lie.

Two more(ish)! Ryan is from Morgan Hill, CA, and spent some time in Sacramento (K-Street mall, represent!) with Mia Michaels. They also shot an episode of House together, playing creepy nurses. Rickey was born in Miami, but moved to Tampa and then OF COURSE got into cheerleading (made ultra-dramatic by an irritating nonsensical echo during his voice over) becoming co-captain shortly after joining the squad. They get to work with the choreographer with the best onomatopoeic name, Chucky KLAPOW! It’s a jazz routine about the cult of fashion and—CHUCKY KLAPOW! – set to David Bowie’s “Fashion.” Rickey looks like he’s on his way to a Rocky Horror screening and Ryan is a dead-ringer for 1985 Dee Snyder. It’s a fun, quirky routine, that the judges are thoroughly impressed with. Carmen thinks they rocked and loves the music choice, Mary thinks it was a hot experiment of movement, Nigel makes an obvious joke about Chucky the Killer Doll and loves the quirk of it, reminding him of the Ramalama routine from a previous season, and Travis thinks they’ll move past the top ten for sure!

The final couple of the evening are Caitlynn and Mitchell. Caitlynn is from Moses Lake, Washington and does all things outdoors and sporty. Mitchell grew up in Atlanta, and lost his dad when he was two. He lived for a year with his mom in a car until she finally landed a job and then things turned around. They’re doing a Mandy Moore contemporary routine to a song by she-who-shall-not-be-named (ok…fine…it rhymes with Deline Cion) and, despite the audio torture, it’s an incredible piece with lots of emotion and crazy difficult lifts. It warrants a standing ovation from the judges! Mitchell is completely lost in emotion, holding back the tears. Mary is choked up as well, and congratulates them and tells them this is their moment. “Run like the wind! This is your time!” It’s a very Mikey-in-the-Goonies-speech moment. Travis thinks it was breathtaking, Nigel thinks it was the routine of the night, and Carmen thinks—honestly, do we really care what Carmen thinks anymore?

All that leaves is the final number of the evening, danced by all seven of the ladies. It’s by Ray Leeper, about girlfriends on a mission to rid the world of evil men. Honestly, it’s just a great excuse to see ‘em vamp it up in lacey black outfits and show off their nature-defying gams. So much so, that the panel gives ‘em another standing ovation, with Nigel literally leaping for joy (whilst trying to conceal his proper English boner).

Cat! Give us the numbers! Vote, people, vote! Oh, and congrats to Katherine McCormack, who scored a role in Step Up 4, which better have another dancing slurpee scene, damnit. That’s it for now! Thanks for reading! And let me know your thoughts in the comments! Oh…and…CHUCKY KLAPOW!

Behold! PMC’s second edition of  “Culture Pops” for ChinaShop Mag! Join Cole, Vanesa, Janet Varney, and Samm Levine as they pop the heck out of your culture at LA’s amazing rum bar La Descarga. Also featured are: alcohol (yut-yoh, Vanessa) and the bartender Arrrmannndo (double yut-yoh.)  Enjoy!  Comment! Like!  Raise our pitiful self-esteems.

If you didn’t already see it, check out Episode 1 here: http://www.chinashopmag.com/2011/06/welcome-to-the-chinashop-vanessa-and-cole/

(This week’s Results Show recap is brought to you again by Heather (@HeatherRecently) due to Cole “scheduling conflicts.” Has anyone ever seen him and Justin Timberlake in the same place at the same time? Didn’t think so.)

When it comes to televised talent shows, I like to play it fast and loose. Office pools for NCAA playoffs and Oscar Awards alike are tainted with bullshit statistics and insider opinions. That’s why I prefer to let Lady Luck have her way with me unprotected, in the raw, the way God intended. Yes, I’ll be making predictions before watching this week’s elimination show without any prior knowledge of the outcome.  This is the kind of chaos you can expect when Cole outsources his blog, so prepare yourselves, America.

Bottom 3: Clarice & Jess, Mitchell & Caitlyn, Ashley & Chris. The judges will slobber all over Jess’s growth (as a technical dancer, not his hidden questionably phallic tumor, although that would be quite the sight) and Clarice’s legs, keeping them safe. Mitchell will deliver with his solo but will get the “if you continue on this show, you’ll need to step it up” speech, sending Mini Leguizamo back to doing windmills on the street. In a battle to the death of who can flash her coslopus the most times in 30 seconds, Caitlyn will ultimately stay and Ashley will cry and lisp her way home. Number of times the judges say the choice was difficult: 2. Number of times Cat will awkwardly shoo contestants offstage: 3. Number of times someone will go in for a hug only to be ignored by their intended recipient: 1. OK, I think I’m ready. Let’s do this.

Kat looks very summery in her floral print dress and colorful necklace throat vajazzle. Here come the dancers in monochrome chasséing to… The Incredibles? That was certainly, um, a couple minutes. Dancers were out of sync, the staging didn’t really work, and it was just a tepid mess.  Who the hell is Michael Rooney? Hulk Hogan and Mr. Clean’s lovechild?

The horny judges are introduced along with Kristin “my back door is shut” Chenoweth and her lip synced music video. Note- I ADORE Kristin and would give my third nipple to meet her in person, but her video looks entirely overproduced and off kilter. She deserves better than what appears to be Rebecca Black’s B-team.

But this is about dance, right? Wrong! It’s about the spit swapping, according to Melanie & Marko’s intro. Of course, they are safe to smooch another day. Ashley & Chris are revealed to be in the bottom 3 (I’m 1 for 1!), and Ryan & Ricky (and their safe word) are staying another week.

Time for a break, and – what the CGI’d fuck?? Neil Patrick Harris, a veritable genius of TV, film, Broadway, and my heart, is in the new Smurfs movie? I am so conflicted with this turmoil of emotion and loyalties. This is what it must feel like to be a German Jew. Not cool, Sony Pictures. Not cool.

Back to the show, although I’m still in a daze over that tragic news. Next 3 are Jordan (who has to pee! This girl is SO REAL!) & Tadd, Miranda & Robert, and Sasha & Alexander. Last week, I admitted my lust for dancing Asians.  This week, Tadd’s mattress dance spun my bean into a frenzy. Those abs! That back! That duvet! Apparently I’m not the only one with yellow fever because they are safe, and… what’s that? Yes! Ryan goes in to give Tadd a hug as he comes offstage, but he completely bypasses her for Marko’s open arms! You can just call me Dancetradamus. Actually please don’t, because that’s a lot of pressure.

As we watch highlights from Sasha & Alexander’s piano dance, the definition for “mellifluous” appears during Lil C’s feedback (along with the requisite sound of a spinning record being stopped… although only the 30-and-over crowd would recognize it as such). It means “sweet,” or something. Why can’t he just say sweet? Damn you, Lil C, and your stereotype-defying intelligence! After a quick, grammatically simple recap of Miranda & Robert’s well received Broadway number, we find out that—they are in the bottom 3? Look what happens when you don’t dance with a prop! Let that be a lesson to you all. My bracket is totally thrown, but there’s still a good chance my final prediction will be right. Cat ushers them away with a gentle shove (1 out of 3) so Robert can warm up and Miranda can go get dressed, since she obviously only had enough time to put on a bra and panties before the show.

Finally, it’s down to Clarice & Jess and Caitlyn & Mitchell. The girls’ costumes appear to be cut from the same cutesy Western saloon cloth, while a dark, sleek Mitchell towers over suspender aficionado Jess. What’s with the smarmy smile? He’s a weird mix of kid brother and creepy clown, and his charm is fading quickly. Anyway, I picked them both to be in the bottom 3, but with a wave of her magic wand, Glinda Kristin’s endorsement of Clarice & Jess as her favorite dance of the night keeps them safe. Cat plays traffic cop again (2 of 3) as Axis, an “in-ova-tive” dance ensemble featuring performers with and without disabilities, takes the stage.

Since when are two people (a shaggy haired, wheelchair bound Jimmy Smits and a ginger able-bodied woman) an “ensemble”? Their pas de deux is powerful. It’s inspiring. It’s… Glee, without the singing, sex and slushees.

Time for the solos! Ashley does a sweet but low-key contemporary dance that might be the final nail in her performance coffin.  Mini Legz pulls out an impressive, passionate array of tricks including a mind boggling contortionist leg twisty thing and a pair of back handsprings into a back tuck. Then it’s Miranda in her underwear, whose solo is much better than Ashley’s as she airs out her pikachu all over the stage. She does some goofy jumping around at the very end- did she forget her choreography, or just realize that she’s clearly outdanced Ashley and therefore staying on the show? Robert hams it up with his usual assortment of MJ-esque moves, popping and locking, and a headstand. (His music is by Jamie Foxx- a little on the nose there, don’t you think, Robert?)

Another commercial break, which triggers horrific memories of the NPH incident, and then Caitlyn is up. She is clearly emotionally strained and you can feel her pleading to be kept, but she loses her center out of both sets of multiple pirouettes and the desperation translates to a lack of confidence not suffered by the other two girls. The final solo is by Mitchell, and he just kills it. Is there anything more beautiful than a tall, sinewy black man dressed in flowing white linen soaring through the air? Probably so, but until *you* are writing a guest blog, keep your comments to yourself. He has more control over himself than Carnie Wilson at the Sizzler buffet. Then, Nigel stuns us all when he says Kristin doesn’t want to send anyone home as the judges go off to deliberate.

The Best Ballroom Dancers In The Universe are introduced, and although I swear Cat said 3 names, there’s only 2 of them. They are dancing to a song from Pirates of the Caribbean: The Last of the Mohicans (shout out to Doug Benson!) in an effort to be hip and relatable to the youth of today, or something. That’s right kids! Ballroom will get you all the pussies! The choreography looks like it was taken from an ice skating routine- the lifts are stunning. At one point, the man is spinning in place with both arms outstretched as the woman balances her uterus on his head. You have to see it to believe it. He also gives her a pap smear, and I begin to suspect he’s secretly an amateur OB/GYN.  Who knew ballroom could be so educational?

The big moment is here. Which girl is going home? Nigel tells us they love all 3 girls, they are not unanimous, and the decision was very difficult (YES! 1 down, 1 to go!).  Miranda is the most improved and most changed, so tonight they are—sending her home?? What is even going on? Did you SEE Ashley dance compared to her? Everyone is audibly sharting themselves in surprise. Cat gives her a consoling hug, Miranda says some final words, and she sent away to go sit on the Stool of Failure (patent pending). Even though it wasn’t technically off the stage, I’m counting it- 3 for 3 on the awkwardness, Cat!

As for the boys, the judges are in agreement. Mitchell dances wonderfully “for his life” but isn’t connecting to the public, Mini Legz is doing a good job but needs better growth, and Robert’s great personality isn’t enough to keep him on the show… which is why he gets sent home. So much for Dancetradamus- I didn’t even predict Miranda or Robert to be in the bottom 3. As Cat tells him that his enthusiasm is “infectious,” we get a close up of some bleeding sores on his face. Did I miss something? Is it National AIDS Awareness week? The audience indulges him in a group “Woooo!” complete with vibrato, and the rest of the dancers rush the stage to hug their latest casualties.

That means I correctly guessed 2 out of the 3 bottom couples, but did not see Miranda & Robert’s departure coming at all. Mitchell *was* told to step it up, sorta, and the girls certainly gave everyone plenty of crotch. The judges once alluded to a difficult choice and again said it outright, so I’m giving myself 1.5 out of 2 on that one. Cat lived up to my 3 stage clearing moments, and Ryan got shut down from hugging Tadd. I’ll see you next week, Lady Luck, when Cole returns to fill our pop culture holes with goodness. Until then, keep spreading those legs!

First of all, let’s be clear.  Vanessa is writing this.  Cole is somewhere setting a jet or something.    Because I am a woman I will issue a DISCLAIMER: I am not a regular viewer of the program and I AM drinking.  I am also hanging out with my friend Mandy (hey girl!) and she is also drinking.   (So you can picture it- we are on the couch with one of my dogs.  Mandy is a small beautiful Australian.  I am none of these three but I am feeling rambunctious tonight.)

OVERALL NOTE: Take anything bitchy I say with a grain of salt.  Bottom line:  these are all amazing performers and I love how positive the program is.  As a whole, the show frustrates me, because I’m pretty sure my body didn’t come with some standard issue joints.  How do they DO that?

IT BEGINS: The show kicks off with what I am CERTAIN is Anne Hathaway in a Marilyn Monroe costume.  I didn’t know she was on this show!  And why can’t she afford a better wig?   Oh, it’s NOT Anne Hathaway!  It is a completely different person who can’t afford a better wig.  And her name is Cat Deely and apparently she is the Ryan Seacrest of the show.  (I tell this comparison to Mandy, and she says, “She’s not like Ryan Seacrest at all! Isn’t he wee? Isn’t she a monster?  He would be like a little parrot on her shoulder!”)

Boom! Flash! Dancers run out, do a fun Westside Story-esque strut and shimmy- then STRIKE A POSE. I love it when people strike poses!

Now, we go to the judges!:

WHO THEY ARE:

Nigel Lythgoe. He is the resident intelligent British judge and he’s also a talent-TV gazilionaire. Lil’ C— I don’t know you.  Are you a rapper?  I only ask because of the “Lil” part of your name. He is apparently a “busy buckster.” Do I need to Google this or will he clarify? Oh, He’s a dancer and is going to be a rapper soon. Some producer is going to be MAD at Cat for saying,  “Oh Lil C, ABSOLUTELY you should perform at the finale!”  There’s a lot of red tape that you wouldn’t even understand, Cat! Maybe she’ll grow on me? Mary Murphy, don’t know you either.  You look like an Osmond gone wrong, but that could be a good thing.  Ooh, guest judge Kristin Chenoweth! You have my interest piqued, ma’am.  Oh no, Cat says Kristin is making a country album?  Say it ain’t so.  Nope, it’s so. Is that necessary?

We start with 8 people doing a chair dance to “Hit the Road Jack” wearing jazz choir costumes. I am getting pop flash-backs to Britney circa “Stronger” and Backstreet Boys’ “As Long As You Love Me”

Sidenote— that came out in 1997??? I HAVE DONE NOTHING WITH MY LIFE! I snap out of my depression and the dancers, still in the prime of their youth, undulate, grab, thrust their chairs up and down filled with young blood and fueled by the promise of the future.  Me?  I am so old.  So very old.  We are made aware that before each partner-dance we are going to be seeing childhood pictures of the dancers for (ugh) “a trip down memory lane.” As a first time viewer, this is not an exciting prospect.

SASHA & ALEXANDER:

MEMORY LANE: Childhood photo SHOCKER: Sasha was a tomboy!    She is afraid of frogs, including “the name Frog.”  What kind of circles does Sasha run in that she is meeting people named Frog.  Apparently little dapper-fancy-Alexander has always been little dapper-fancy-Alexander. This is a man who is impeccably groomed, and I appreciate that.

THE CHOREOGRAPHER: Dee Caspry. He looks like a rugby player-turned choreographer which I don’t often say. They are doing some sort of piano-themed dance.  Dee says the keys represent the keys of his heart.  Shit is getting deep.

THE DANCE: Suspenders for our dapper gentleman (I approve! Suspenders and tight pants are good for pretty butts! Do you guys remember Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s butt in “Inception”?  Now THAT was a butt.  I tried to Google image it but came up dry. Further proof the Internet is made for he-pervs not she-pervs.  The injustice of it all!)  and Sasha looks ravishing in a nude sparkly thing.  Narrative wise…  I think Sasha is casting a spell on him?  He is maybe Pinocchio and she is the fairy in Pinocchio? Then, CREEPY WHAT THE HELL?! Sasha disappears as if eaten by the piano, then all of the sudden her hands jut out over the keys like dismembered ghost hands and Alexander just plays on in some sort of half-dead Lady Gaga duet.   I am going to have a nightmare.  Great.

JUDGES SAY: Nigel said something about Alexander’s “baby package” and I think we were all confused….. it certainly seemed penis-y in intention, but apparently it was a reference to the slide-show.  While the judges talk, Alexander smiles, his teeth coated with a thin pink film of blood that no one talks about.  Oh, Mary Murphy.  Who ARE you and who put your voice in a blender and then let you use it?  Kristin loved the routine and revealed she has been peed on but not in a sexy way Lil’ C,  you use Vocabulary Words and want us to make note of it.  Oh, something was “mellifluous!”  Well, Lil’ C,  if you’re so “intelligent” (smart) why don’t your “spectacles” (glasses) have “lenses” (glass) in them? Like a curling ribbon that’s been run across scissors too many times (that’s a comparison for all our dedicated crafting readers) Cat Deely’s wig is slowly losing its bounce, sloppily and sadly drooping towards her shoulders.

MITCHELL AND CAITLYNN:

MEMORY LANE: Caitlynn was a ALSO a tomboy!!! But she was never allowed to dress like one, and her kid pictures are a bit “Toddlers and Tiaras.” ( PS: T&T is on at 10 and I need to watch that.  When is this over?)  Mitchell started dancing late, but a video clip shows us he has always looooved to roll his body.

CHOREOGRAPHER: Did this guy just sell his fine-cheese boutique? I didn’t catch his name. Sorry.

THE DANCE: OK.I am not feeling the deep-v on Robert or the cruise wear on Caitlynn.  I didn’t like this dance, then they started booty popping.  Gosh, I’m an easy sell.  I am trash! I need to stop imagining these people naked but I can’t.

THE JUDGES: Cat pronounces the routine (over-pronounces) “boo-tee-licious.”  Seriously guys… is Mary Murphy ok?  Should she be doing this?  I think she just had a stroke, followed by like 5 after shocks.  Kristin says “Shut the front door!” in a way that lets us know she is definitely trying to make that her catchphrase. Lil’ C wants ventilation.  Buckus again! What is this “buckus”? Everyone loved everything.  Nigel proclaims Mitchell the “Chris Rock of SYTYCD.”  And I couldn’t agree more!  They’re both black guys! Wait, I mean, what?  What the hell does that mean Nigel? I feel like Cat has said “Oh I don’t need the flash cards I’ll just do some ad-libbing there. I looooove to ad-lib,” so many times that everyone was like, fine.  Go ahead Cat.  We have Mary to worry about.

MIRANDA AND ROBERT:

MEMORY LANE: Miranda has always looked like Miranda. Why isn’t Robert the Chris Rock of the show?  He wants to be funny at least.

CHOREOGRAPHER: Tyce sort of looks like a choreographer but more so he looks like he should be on “Million Dollar Decorator.”

THE DANCE: Miranda plays a hooker.  A lot of walking around and pushing. Robert is in love with music though, so stop trying! This dance looks easy.  Am I drunk?  I really think I can do this dance, ya’ll!  I want to try!  It seems very doable to me right now.  Miranda looks like Amy Adams playing Eleanor Roosevelt in a TV movie.

THE JUDGES: Lil’ C says Miranda is “metamorphosizing” before his eyes, and then he had the nerve to use the stale compliment that Robert “has the kind of personality that is only achieved if the planets are perfectly aligned when you are born.”  If I had a dollar for every time I heard that from a loquacious rapper!  Shit. 6 more routines!?

MELANIE AND MARKO: Melanie is a crazy Carrie Mulligan who pulled a Felicity on what seems like it was long beautiful curly hair.  Marko insinuates dance was a cure for his ADHD.

CHOREOGRAPHERS: The Dumo’s are a choreographing team who look like they’d rather be at an Ed Hardy sample sale.

THE DANCE: The idea seems to be Avril Lavigne has seduced a waiter at a Bucco de Beppo. I love this dance.  I want to do lyrical hip hop!  Mandy does too!  Can you imagine just popping and  ****REAL KISS!! REAL KISS!  REAL KISS!  **** It wasn’t even awkward- it seemed super real…. Audience shot: The Dumos kissed each other too!  I can almost hear him mutter in her ear, “Baby, that was us dancing up there, that was us.”

THE JUDGES: Lil C thinks it was buck.  So “buck” IS a thing. Buck means good. C gives a shout out to “Nappy Taps.”  Or is he “Nappy Taps?? Oh noooo… Mary Murphy just had her world rocked.  Nigel just KISSED HER and she is freaking out!  Why would anyone do that?  Is this bullying?  She lets out a screech that the Owls of Ga’hoole would be envious of. Kristin makes it real deep with her comments.   Then she kisses Lil C’, her tongue jutting right through his faux glasses.

Shit. this goes to 9.30?!  I CANNOT MISS TODDLERS AND TIARAS AND THAT COMES ON AT 10. Mandy just admitted to me she has a crush on Daniel Radcliffe.  I think things have changed between us forever.  After a particularly rude glance from me, she tries, meekly, “He’s rich as well!”  Still, no thanks, Mandy.  No thanks.

ASHLEY AND CHRIS:

MEMORY LANE: The good news is that Ashley grew into her mouth. Chris is one of 6 kids!  Somewhere an executive at TLC just woke up with a wonderful, awful idea. 6 Kids and Dancing!

CHOREOGRAPHER: Sonya! Now HERE is a choreographer.  As Chris recoils when she enters the room she asks, “Why is everyone scared of me?”  Because you look like a sorceress in Southwestern jam-pants, Sonya.

THE DANCE: Scary. Thriller meets Adam and Eve. They move well, but baby, mamma needs more big fat bass. (Long ‘a’, not like Big Mouth Billy Bass)  It is nice to watch but also, not.  And the song is boring.

JUDGES SAY: Nigel no like.  Mary (please don’t scream please don’t scream please don’t scream) is ok with it… another meh.  Kristin, compares herself to Paula Abdul because she is so positive, but you are way too coherent for me to entertain that comparison.  Lil’ C is a fan of the sorceress’s work.  She has cast her spell well.

CLARICE AND JESS:

MEMORY LANE:  Clarice was a cute very normal kid with a video of her at three saying: “howwa boud my dassing?” Aw, Jess loved his dad.  I am over these flashbacks.

THE DANCE:   Sorry this is not impressing me.  (how jaded I’ve become after an hour and twenty minutes of this show. ) But compared to the other routines SNOOZE FEST.

THE JUDGES: Mary Murphy loves it.  (Mandy wants to know what sort of dancer Mary Murphy is.  I don’t know.  We decide we don’t want to Wikipedia this.)  Kristin says it was her favorite performance of the night.  It’s becoming abundantly clear I don’t know what dance is.  Lil C?   Please be on my side?   Nope.  Lil’ C says  they  “put a face on the smile of Jean Marc’s heart.”  Think about that for a second and realize it means nothing.  Nigel loved it too.  It’s a jizz fest up in here. I feel very, very alone right now.  Thank god Mandy is here, who knows what I’d do?   Mandy thinks that Lil C and Kanye would be friends and tweet back and forth in all caps.  FINALLY I agree with someone.  Mandy and I make a strange pact to always beckon to each other with the words, “Come on, soldier.”  It has something to do with ice cream?  Things are getting stranger.

RICKY AND RYAN:

MEMORY LANE: Ricky was BORN TO MOVE.  I can tell this guy is good and I’m already steeling myself for Mary’s screams.  Ryan, blah blah blah.

CHOREOGRAPHER: The sorceress, Sonya, has returned and spews her dark magic onto these nubile creatures.  General show note: These girl-dancers are DETERMINED to show us their bras.  Very well then.

THE DANCE: This is an emotional piece and very pretty.  There is a long black scarf attached to Ryan and Ricky is tugging it and I just KNOW it means something (because I am very artistic and very in-tune with Art and deep meanings.)

JUDGES SAY: Kristin loves it.  Lil’ C just said something Very Important and then pronounced the whole ordeal BUCKNESS.   In the audience, Sonya gets very emotional… The sorceress sheds a tear and somewhere a baby horse bursts into flame. Nigel loves it.  Mary loves it and also controls her voice the whole time.  I am so relieved.  This show is 2 hours?  Shit.

JORDAN AND TADD:

MEMORY LANE: Jordan did a “piece” to “Spice Up your Life” in first grade.  I love that she calls it a piece. That’s like me calling what I did to a piano at that age a movement. Tadd was nerdy  but he’s gorgeous now so who cares.  They are going to be doing a bed dance. And Jordan is not used to doing bed dances, so this is SERIOUS. 

THE DANCE: It’s like a hip-hop morning after pill commercial?  Tadd should probably never wear a shirt. Shit, he put his shirt on. Oh good he took it off!  I like this dance. Mandy’s note: “That must be a really bouncy bed.”

THE JUDGES: Lil C gives another shout out to Nappy Taps.  Is he saying “Nappy Taps”?  Because that’s what I’m hearing.  He likes it, but I don’t think it’s his favorite because he doesn’t throw out a verbose and made-up platitude. Nigel loves it.  Kristin wants people to join her in saying “Shut the front door.”  But no one really caught on to that catchphrase so it doesn’t go over well.  A good rule of thumb is that you need to say something 3 or more times before it is a catchphrase. Jordan and Tadd  throw up their voting number (8) like a gang sign (perhaps a cool new gang called the Crazy 8s) and it’s disturbing.

WOO! FINAL ROUTINE!  Mandy and I erupt in applause.  Can two people erupt?  Because we did.  This is a very long show and it’s t-7 minutes till T & T.

GROUP ROUTINE: The idea is that the women are killing the men.  I think this choreographer (rugby dude) has some REAL lady issues.  It’s like Renfair Porn.  I want a crowd shot of the Sorceress.  Methinks the good lady would be pleased. It’s a very pretty dance, and I am strangely emotional during it.  Poisoning a loved one is so sexy that I just might consider it.

THE EFFING END. I NEED SPRAY TANS, FLIPPERS AND TARLYNN!

Since Cole is too busy being chauffeured around Vegas in a gold limousine to trouble himself with watching this week’s results show, this recap is being guest written by TV/pop culture/dancing Asians fan Heather (@HeatherRecently on Twitter). Cole will be back next week, assuming he didn’t lose a tooth (or find a baby) during his absence.

Cat introduces the show looking gorgeous in one-shoulder red dress and cherry red lipstick. She uses a cocktail analogy that somehow implies a hangover. I can only assume this is directed at Debbie Reynolds, who took Wadi with her to the assisted living community last night and played strip bingo into the wee hours of the morning (citation needed).

The opening number is a Dave Scott piece featuring the top 20 dancers as androgynous businessmen dancing to that one song, you know, the one with the piano riff from all the commercials (Sinnerman by Nina Simone). It’s very Matrix meets Minority Report meets Beach Party, given the interesting decision to put the dancers in matching Bermuda shorts. Cat comes out and introduces your… JUDGES, actually delivering her catchphrase for the second time in a row. Debbie, whose cream and gold patterned outfit was provided by Grandmas-R-Us, says that she enjoyed the “new experience of being off the stage.” Clearly, this is further proof of her late night rendezvous with Wadi. The filler performances special guests will be Rage Crew and LMFAO singing with Quest Crew. This announcement puts my ovaries in an uproar since Hok (of Season 1-3 and ABDC champion fame) and Ryan (Season 1 finalist and co-ABDC winner) are the greatest thing to happen to the b-boy world since the beanie. Who can forget Ryan’s signature back flip into a headstand, or Hok’s stunning Season 3 Wade Robison hummingbird performance with Jaimie Goodwin? Mary Murphy without her meds, that’s who.

Back to the show. The first 3 couples are Sasha & Alexander (Team Sweaty Narcissism!), Caitlin & Mitchell (Team Blue Zebra!), and Missy & Wadi (Team Chuckle Nair!). Caitlin still sports a cut on her face from when Mitchell “accidentally” punched her during their routine. I think everyone knows what really happened there. It’s called love, people. We pretty much knew Missy & Wadi were in trouble with their so-so cha-cha, and sure enough, they are in the bottom 3. Cat reveals the other 2 couples to be safe, and hugs, tears, and screams are had by all.
The next segment is a big fat commercial for Gatorade and their sponsorship of the show. We get to see the dancers sit through a live infomercial for a line of nutritional products and throw away their contraband Pringles. Next up, it’s Miranda & Robert (Team – oh forget it) whose Nappy Tabs performance to Break Yo Neck was one of my favorites this season so far. Take two insanely gifted choreographers, two very capable dancers, toss in some Busta Rhymes and some feathers and you’ve got a routine more explosive than the asshole of a newborn with diarrhea. Has a Nappy Tabs or Travis Wall performance ever landed its dancers in the bottom 3? According to my memory and trusty confirmation bias: nope. Crowd favorites and early standouts Melanie and Marko, who aren’t rolled in flour for yet enough week, did the well received Sing Sing Sing routine. To no one’s surprise, both couples are safe.

Then it’s between Jordan & Tadd’s impressive Viennese Waltz and Ivetta & Nick’s “well, they tried hard!” Bollywood number. Luckily, Jordan & Tadd are revealed to be safe. If she had danced her solo, she would’ve given herself two big black eyes, and the audience 200 big black boners. Cat unceremoniously tells “Ivetter” & Nick that they are in the bottom 3. They nod along with a sense of defeat and walk the green mile across the stage.

Finally, it’s between Ashley & Chris, Clarice & Jess, and Ryan & Ricky for the last spot in the bottom 3. After a review of Athley (is her lisp cute? sexy? distracting?) and Chris’s sexy jailhouse performance, they are told they are safe. It was a solid routine, but there is something very offputting about seeing a young, innocent girl lust after a pockmarked, incarcerated John Lequizamo lookalike. Anyway, that means one of the final couples is safe and the other will be forced to dance for their lives (but not really of course, even though this is a FOX show).

Ryan & Ricky had the crotch-revealing Addicted to Love dance with costumes that suggested more of an addiction to meth, while Clarice & Jess did the awkward Stacey Tookey number. The judges worked themselves into a lather over the “raunchy” jazz piece and only gave subdued commentary to the lackluster contemporary. Naturally, Ryan & Ricky are— in the bottom 3? What? Jess’s Groucho Marx eyebrows spoke for us all when they jumped 3 feet into the air.

Moments later, the stage is taken over by a swarm of inappropriately dressed children known as Rage Crew. Clad in leather pants, halter tops, and wallet chains, they do what can only be called a combination of cheer, hip hop, and Toddlers & Tiaras pageantry. The kids are very talented and do the high energy choreography with attitude, but the showcasing of Mini Scary Spice as she shakes her allowance-maker was enough to make anyone feel more than a little pervy.

Wadi does a fun but not fantastic solo, although seeing him defy physics by rolling up from the ground onto his toes is a treat. Missy reminds us where her hot pocket is throughout her stage time, and Nick, well, taps. Cat compares him to “JT” but without specifying which one- John Travolta or James Taylor. Both analogies have merit, since he certainly doesn’t dance like someone that’s banged Brit-Brit. Ivetta stomps and wiggles around the stage covered in disco ball pubes. She has the most impressive of the solos so far.

After the break, Ricky delivers a powerful performance full of leaps, extensions, pirouettes, and even some incredible body rolls. He looks like a dancing piece of licorice. In a good way. For the final solo, Ryan whips her trademark blonde curls back and forth in a passionate dance, but one that doesn’t quite hit the mark. The judges go off to deliberate (although Debbie was probably wandering around backstage looking for the shirtless Wadi)… and we finally get to see Quest Crew!! Oh, and LMFAO, which is exactly what I did when I first heard their lyrics. The Quest boys look like they were dressed by Will Smith, circa 1990. Hok may have even stolen Mitchell’s zebra snuggie. Even though they look like time traveling asylum escapees, Tim Gunn would be proud of the way they “make it work.” Personally, I can’t help but to grin like a Cheshire cougar every second they are on stage. They are absolutely phenomenal in their choreography, skill, tricks, and presence. Boys, if any of you are reading this and need help getting a green card, I’ve got a marriage certificate with your Japanese name on it. The camera constantly snaps to close ups of the “singers” and misses huge portions of their dance, though, which is borderline criminal. The band tries to dance along with Quest, which is as embarrassing as when Oprah would lip sync along with superstar musicians. Exactly the opposite of schadenfreude. Google it.

Now there’s nothing left but to make the 4 cuts. Nigel tells Missy she’s a faultless dancer, and that Ivetta’s Paso Doble with Pasha was unforgettable. A teary-eyed Ryan is told her routine didn’t show her full potential, but she is the one that gets to stay. Cat asks Missy “best bit for you?” which comes out sounding more like “besbit feryu?” After asking to have the question repeated (there is a language barrier here, folks!), Missy’s answer is a simple “you guys,” pointing to the other contestants. In her confusion, she then gives an Oscar acceptance speech. After the girls clear the stage, Mohel Nigel prepares to cut the boys. Wadi didn’t do enough in his solo, Nick is charismatic with a twinkle in his eye, and Ricky has never danced better. Needless to say, he is the one that is kept (which Ryan is relieved to hear) and after the requisite crying and hugs, Cat tells him to “get off.” Oh, those sassy Brits! Nick gets choked up telling everyone that he loves them like family, and the credits roll.

By my math, that leaves 8 couples to perform next week. The group doesn’t have any real stellar dancers (with the arguable exception of Melanie and Marko), but they are all very competent and strong. Depending on the way the styles are chosen, I’m going to predict Clarice and Chris are going home. Anyone care to make it interesting? (you know, with an animated chart or something, because I’m a Jew and Jews don’t gamble).

That wraps it up! Thanks to Cole and Vanessa for letting me do this week’s results show recap. And by that, I mean thanks for going to Vegas and thanks for having better shit to do this weekend, respectively. We all look forward to the return of Cole’s insight next week… on SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE!

The Top 20 took the stage for the first time since…last week…and we’re quickly reminded via fuzzy flashback (though it’s nice to see Nigel lit like Norma Desmond) that two couples will be going home on tomorrow night’s results show. After the opening credits, Cat Deeley appears, wearing a doily-covered bright yellow dress—with her height, it reads very Big Bird-ish, and I don’t mean that as an insult. The couples come out for their introductory five second dance flashes, and then it’s time to meet your—JUDGES! Wait—she said it! CAT SAID JUDGES! Did she read my recap last week? I feel somehow responsible. You’re welcome, America. There’s Nigel! And…orange you glad Mary Murphy is here? Then comes the first genuine surprise of the night—joining the panel is film and dance legend Debbie Reynolds! They show a quick clip from Singin’ In The Rain, and Debbie says “It’s fantastic to be alive!”  She really is a treasure, and her sound bites only got better as the night went on.

Let the dancing begin! Cat informs us that the couples will be dishing embarrassing dirt on each other in order to help fill the two hour run time. First up is Ricky and Ryan. Ryan’s leg hairs grow really fast, so I guess that makes her dancing’s Robin Williams. Ricky’s real name is Roderick! What an asshole! Not really. They’re given a Mandy Moore jazz routine, described by the choreographer as “sexy, powerful and tension filled.” I wish it was “crazy, sexy, cool” and set to a TLC song. Instead it’s danced to “Addicted to Love” by Robert Palmer, and there’s no models in tight black dresses anywhere! Ryan is dressed like a wild west saloon girl, and Ricky appears to be an extra in a Mad Max film. They dance it extremely well, and the judges gush about it. Nigel thinks it’s sensational, and says he can feel the sexual tension between them, much like himself and Mary Murphy, causing this recap and millions of viewers at home to audible shudder. Mary, master of wordplay, says she’s addicted to the two of them! Debbie says she’s never seen anyone dance sexier! Which means she hasn’t seen Selma Hayek in From Dusk Til Dawn.

Caitlynn has nasty, blue-toned feet. Thanks for that, High Definition Television! Mitchell wears a zebra print snuggie often, or as I like to call it, a backwards bathrobe. It’s a Stacey Tookey contemporary routine about a relationship gone wrong, set to Adele’s “Turning Tables.” There’s two leather easy chairs onstage, and because of their placement, it heavily features Caitlynn in the foreground for a lot of the piece. It’s pretty powerful, though, and the show is shaping up to be fantastic. Caitlynn is in tears, not because of the emotions, but because Mitchell accidentally punched her, making this the most violent dance show since the Solid Gold Massacre of ’81. Mary thinks it’s amazing! Flawless! Gravity-defying! Debbie thinks it was beautiful and dramatic (“You bled for us!”) and Nigel thought it was remarkable, considering it was the first time they’ve actually danced together after his injury last week.

Wadi uses ladies hair removal cream on his chest hairs (I think we’ve all been there, right fellas?) and Missy has a staccato laugh (Can you imagine? How does she live with herself?!) They’ve snagged a cha-cha routine from the French Bruno Kirby, Jean Marc Genereux, which he claims is the most difficult routine he’s ever choreographed for the show. Making it more difficult? Having to listen to Ke$ha’s “Cannibal.” I’m $orry, I ju$t don’t like her $hitty mu$ic. There’s a lot of energy to the routine, but it’s clear that Wadi is a bit out of his element here. Debbie thinks it’s muy bueno, and offers to take Wadi home with her. Nigel thinks Wadi’s technique was lacking but that his partnering skills were great, and Missy was spicy and hot. More rave reviews for Missy from Mary, but she compares it to television rival Dancing With the Stars, with Wadi as the student. These two could be in trouble come results time tomorrow.

Ivetta talks to herself in the mirror, but thankfully never says Candyman three times. Nick—ALWAYS WEARS SHORTS! It’s this kind of revealing expose that they usually save for sweeps! It’s the return of Bollywood with Nakul Dev Mahajan, with a lightning fast routine to “Baawre” from the Luck By Chance soundtrack. They dance it super well, even though Nick looks like Aladdin and Ivetta resembles a maypole thanks to their outfits. Nigel thinks its entertaining, Mary loves their chemisty, and Debbie’s just excited to be here!

Robert, aka “The Wooooo Man,” aka “Obnoxious City,” thinks he’s a pro-wrestler. Miranda has a crush on Tadd! And our first budding romance is in the works! Look! It’s Nappy Tabs! Always a treat to see Napoleon and Tabitha, who’ve whipped up a hip hop routine about…woodpeckers. It’s to “Break Ya Neck” by Busta Rhymes, and the two perform with a lot of energy and precision. Mary loves it, Nigel remarks that Miranda is the best contemporary dancer he’s seen do hip hop, and Debbie does a spot-on Woody Woodpecker impression, and gives me my first “Wait…I didn’t smoke peyote before watching this tonight, did I?” moment of the night. Oh, and Robert does not “Woooo” this time, and Nigel comments on his restraint.

Clarice sleeps with her eyes open, which is super creepy, but maybe not as odd as Jess’ passion for drawing stick figure orchestras. It’s another Stacey Tookey contemporary routine, this time set to “Cathedrals” by Jump Little Children. It’s a love story between a prince and a princess, and has a lot of hard lifts in it. It’s kinda off-putting that Jess isn’t wearing any shoes in his uniform—it’s sort of Prince William meets Jack Johnson. The piece touches Debbie’s heart, and again offers to take them home with her, to add to her little dancer glass menagerie. Nigel enjoyed parts of it, but thought the promenades were a bit uncomfortable and is worried they’ll be in the bottom three. Mary thinks Jess portrayed the emotions of the routine well, and calls Clarice “Ms. Legs,” ‘cuz they go on for days and days!

In addition to being the “sexy” one on the show, Jordan may also not be the brightest bulb, as she confesses that she thought the show had it’s own airline and flew everyone on one big plane to Vegas. She also wonders if she can tend to them rabbits, George. Tadd is super OCD—he color-coordinates his clothes when he packs them, in Ziploc baggies! Oh no, it’s the dredded Viennese Waltz from Jean Marc Genereux, set to “Fade Into Me” by American Idol winner David Cook. It’s all about the spacing, and they do surprisingly well with it. Oh, and there’s a stray bench onstage. Nigel is super impressed! He thinks the piece flows amazingly well, and is particularly thrilled with Bboy Tadd’s performance. Mary agrees, noting that Tadd is the biggest surprise for her this season. They both think Jordan is incredibly strong as well. Debbie pays her biggest compliment of the night, asking if they’ve heard of Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire and Cid Charisse, and saying they are just as beautiful as them!

You better not touch Melanie’s ears, CUZ SHE HATES THAT. Marko is super into romance novels, ‘cuz he’s a big softie. It’s a Mandy Moore jazz routine to “Sing With a Swing” by DKS. It features a lot of bowler hat play, and gives me the opportunity to type the phrase “bowler hat play.” As expected, these frontrunners nail it, save for one dropped hat moment by Marko, who fixes it just in time to catch Melanie and avoid our first So You Think You Can Cheat Death fatality. All three judges gush and gush.

Sasha sweats like a dude, and according to her partner, “the girl is a waterslide.” Alexander loves to look at himself in the mirror. Maybe Ivetta and he would have been perfect partners. It’s the second Nappy Tabs routine of the night, a super-emotional hip hop piece about a soldier returning from Afghanistan and seeing his wife for the first time, set to Diddy-Dirty Money P.Diddy Puff Daddy Sean Combs the Artist Formerly Known as Puffy Blah Blah etcetera’s “Coming Home.” The two tap into it brilliantly, bringing tears from the panel. Mary’s spray tan looks all the more obnoxious when wet. The piece is one of the highlights of the night.

Chris has a creepy smile when he’s nervous. Ashley thinks she has swag, but she doesn’t! Or does she? EYE OF THE BEHOLDER! For the final routine of the night, it’s a Broadway routine from Spencer Liff, set to “Please, Mr. Jailer” by Rachel Sweet. It’s unique in that it’s danced with the two of them on opposite sides of a set of bars. Lots of leg lifts, kicks and pole dancing. I’m sure there’s a stripper analogy here, but I’m too lazy to find it. Nigel congratulates Spencer, and is impressed with Chris and Ashley’s ability to step outside their usual genres. Debbie thinks it’s just wonderful! And Mary talks about 211 degrees, then 212 degrees, then steam shoots out of her ears and she puts them on the HOT TAMALE TRAIN, which, at this point, is the Austin Powers impression of this show. Or Borat. You choose.

We’re done! A quick recap and the numbers to call, and a reminder that tomorrow THERE. WILL. BE. BLOOD!

–Cole

*Note: I’m in Vegas for the night and won’t be able to recap the results show. Attempting to coerce Vanessa into picking up my slack!

Cole, Vanessa, and our favorite Usual Suspect Kevin Pollak (“Casino,” “A Few Good Men,” and “Kevin Pollak’s Chat Show”) talk Game of Thrones, Ryan Dunn vs. Roger Ebert, Doug Hutchison’s craddle robbing, poker, meeting William Shatner, an Oscar party with Lemmon & Matthau, Hugh Hefner, keys to doing impressions, chunky Prefontaine, the Million Dollar Mystery debacle, summer camp, Vincent Gallo, wearing squibs, the Kevin blender, celebrity tweets, Martin Scorsese, and Kevin’s unusual gig hanging out with Ice-T and Coco on Richard Branson’s private island.

Leave your answer to the firsts question (the first impression you ever did) for a chance to win a Usual Suspects DVD signed by Kevin!

We’re very excited to announce the premiere of Culture Pops, a brand-new video series for ChinaShopMag starring Vanessa and Cole! It’s a fun, goofy look into–what else–pop culture with your two hosts as they show you cool L.A. venues and interview folks from entertainment and people on the street. There’s even appearances by Pop My Culture friends!

Episode one features the historic Roxy on the Sunset Strip and it’s owner, Nick Adler, as well as a visit to Montreal with Knight Rider‘s Deanna Russo, and other surprises. Please take a look…and rate it high, would ya? We’ll love you unconditionally for it.

Check out the premiere episode HERE

–Cole and Vanessa!

Before I launch into the results show, let me just say this:

This episode has an M. Night Shymalanian twist that YOU WON’T SEE COMING.

Except that I just warned you about it.

It’s Thursday, so it’s time to trim the dance fat, so to speak. Cat appears in a cute pink number and kicks off the opening titles. Then it’s time for a full-cast opening number, set to M.I.A.’s “Xr2,” a thumping electronic dancehall number that quickens the pulse a bit. The dancers wardrobe is very gothic-slutty-Clockwork Orange, complete with Droog canes. The movement is very fierce, strong, precise and a little weird, which means this has to been a Sonya Tayeh routine. Which it is. It’s a fairly strong opener, but it feels like another attempt to capture the magic of that Wade Robson/Roisin Murphy “Ramalama (Bang Bang)” routine from seasons past. Did I just out myself as a hardcore regular watcher? I believe I did.

It’s time for business, and Cat lays out that the bottom three couples will be dancing for their lives, doing individual short routines in their own styles. Mitchell, who couldn’t dance last night do to injury, will be joining them as well and hoping that his stuff is more Black Swan than White Swan to secure a spot going forward. Cat also hints that there’s some exciting (IT ISN’T!) Lady GaGa news coming up and as well as the premiere of her fantastic (IT’S NOT!) new music video. She also informs us that pop sensation Keri Hilson will be performing later (though my DVR says it’s supposed to be Jessie J., but maybe her Price Tag was too high or something). Cat intros your…everybody…judges and the same trio joins us again—executive producer and dance fuddy duddy Nigel Lythgoe, land banshee Mary Murphy, and Will & Grace and Childrens Hospital star Megan Mullally. Nigel tells us all about National Dance Day (it’s July 30th, people, mark your dance cards accordingly) which has become an annual event. They’ll place three routines of differing difficulty online, urging dance flash mobs for charity, or whatever. For those who want to join me, I’ll be tackling the intermediate routine at the Bubba Gumps on the Santa Monica Promenade at high noon. Wear regatta attire.

Dim the lights, here we go, it’s results time! The first three couples take the stage to dramatic music that makes me antsy to lock in my final answer or phone a friend or something. It’s Melanie and Marko up first. After a quick review of their outstanding Travis Wall statues contemporary routine, they are quickly put into safety, and we move on to the other two couples: Missy and Wadi (sexy demons!)  and Iveta and Nick (quality quicksteppers!) Both of their routines are scrutinized, and Cat’s Velcro-sealed envelope reveals that Missy and Wadi are safe…and…wait for it…so are Iveta and Nick! So all three return to home base to dance another day.

We take a quick commercial break and I enjoy a lovely piece of string cheese. I mean, that’s just a great compact snack. Back to the results…three more couples and a half-couple take the stage. It’s Ashley and Chris, who danced a Chris Scott letterman jacket hip hop routine, vs. Clarice and Jess, who Broadway’d it up with a sub-par Tyce DeSNOREio routine (I will not pull my punches with that guy, I’m sorry!). The Hip Hoppers slide in safe, and Clarice and Jess have to take their chances in the dance off. We’re informed that one of the other two pairings are in the bottom three. Will it be Jordan and Tadd (afrojazz warriors. I mean, sexy afrojazz warriors!) or Caitlynn and…Caitlynn (who danced Sonya’s jazz piece to La Roux with season seven’s Robert)? Oh no! It’s Jordan and Tadd! Which means there’s some smoldering solo action comin’ up!

It’s special guest time! This marks the first (and probably last time) I’ve seen a Keri Hilson “performance.” It starts with so much dry ice it looks like she’s lip syncing in a loch. She’s wearing a silver breastplate top and chainmail skirt that makes me wonder if she should be back with the remaining Starks at Winterfell. And boy, that’s some terrible melodic mouthing she’s doing—at one point her feathery shoulder piece (or is it her hair?) lands in her mouth and dispels any sort of illusion that she was actually singing. The song itself, “Lose Control (Let Me Down)” I guess it aptly titled, ‘cuz she clearly lost control of vocals and I am, indeed, let down.

Three more couples, one more slot in the bottom. Ryan and Ricky, who did a lyrical hip hop routine, are safe, and that leaves Miranda and Robert (A gilkerson jive!) and Sasha and Alexander (A tattered Travis Wall contemporary number) to duke it out. I’m afraid the jive didn’t…jive and Miranda and Robert are left to do solos. As the dancers go backstage to prepare, it’s time for another special guest. Cat shows some footage of the series’ all-time low point: the Gopak routine that Philip and Janine danced a few seasons back. To try to make up for it, they bring out a Bolshoi Ballet dancer with some serious leaping skills. Dude can jump, straight up. He’s doing kicks that Chung-Li would be jealous of. It’s a fun, quick diversion before another commercial break and another string cheese.

It’s time for the solos! First up is Mitchell, who shows no sign of injury and he starts with a long slow leg extension and then touches his nose as if he’s demonstrating sobriety at a police checkpoint. This is all done to John Mayer’s tune “Say.” He’s got some skills. Next is Jordan, who takes a gamble and tries a routine that is sexy. It’s to a subtle song called “Hot Like Wow” by Nadia O. She tumbles and does a lot of floor work, and at one point does a tata shake, in case we hadn’t noticed. Bboy Tadd uses that breakdancing anthem, Brian Setzer’s “Jump, Jive n’ Wail,” and does a fun, goofy routine full of windmills and attitude. Clarice tackles Christina Aguilera’s “Glam.” She dances it well, but I’m super distracted by what appears to be a giant wad of toilet paper stuck to her right hip. E-M-B-A-R-R-A-S-S-I-N-G! Broadway Jess dances to Robbie Williams’ version of “Mr. Bojangles,” and again demonstrates that he kills that style. That one, very particular style. Miranda (or, as Cat says in her darling English accent, “Mirander”) dramatically dances to Leonna Lewis’ “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face,” and it’s a pretty passionate solo. One solo to go, and the crowd WOOOOOOOOOOs (and I BAAAAAARF) before Robert is announced, and he pops and locks and does a lot of dice rolling to Omarion’s “Electric.” He has a lot of personality for sure, but this solo doesn’t quite resonate. The judges have a lot to consider, so I guess it’s time for some GaGa!

Cat shows a clip of Lady GaGa making her national television debut on season four, and the video is really weird ‘cuz she’s, like, wearing normal clothing and not a meat suit. She also announces that she’s agreed to be a guest judge on an upcoming episode! It’s time for the debut of her newest music video for the track “The Edge of Glory.” It takes place in a brick apartment building which apparently is being fumigated judging from all the billowing smoke pouring from the windows. What follows is basically just a handful of shots of GaGa looking like a Cruella DeVille call girl, walking down the sidewalk and sorta dancing on the fire escape. E Street Band saxophonist Clarence Clemens appears on the entry way steps. Wisely, they bump to commercial and allow me to collect my third string cheese of the night.

Ok, it’s decision time! The guys are up first and they nervously take the stage. Nigel wishes Clemens a speedy recovery (he recently had a stroke), and then it’s down to business…sort of. In an unprecedented move, he asks two of the fellas to dance again—Mitchell and Robert. It’s disorganized and both dancers seems really surprised, especially Robert who dances again to Omarion and tries to vary his routine with little success. Mitchell twirls to John Mayer again, and then Cat asks Nigel what they want to do. Hemming and hawing, hemming and hawing, they decide to give the girls their news first and send Mitchell and Robert back to the dancer holding tank. The gals get some feedback from Nigel: Jordan is superb, strong, controlled, amazing. Clarice has a smile that can melt and ice cube. Miranda’s elevation is remarkable. So who is going home? Nigel then asks the guys to return to the stage and the dance fire drill continues. Jess is told he is magnificent in his style and it’s puzzling that he’s in the bottom. Tadd is really creative and wonderful at Bboying, which is now a verb. Robert has that big personality and should be on the show a long time (sigh). Nothing is said specifically about Mitchell, which means that he’s going home and—wait—WHAT’S THIS?! NO ONE IS GOING HOME THIS WEEK! AT ALL! SO WHY DID I WATCH THIS? The dancers pile onto one another like they’ve just won the Stanley Cup or didn’t and start rioting Vancouver-style. Nigel is quick to announce that next week, two couples will be going home and to not get too excited, but it’s too late as they high-five and hug-brigade continues into the closing credits. And thus ends the first week of the live shows, where our top twenty dancers were carefully widdled down to…twenty.

Hello! It’s Cole! This is the first of my weekly, hopefully humorous, recaps of the fantastic FOX reality competition, So You Think You Can Dance. It begins….now…

Ah, yes, it must be summer, ‘cuz So You Think You Can Dance is back, and in a big way! We quickly breezed through the audition rounds (Lots of memorable routines! Lots of memorable crazies! Like the “real” Ringo Starr!), had fun in Vegas, and last week met our top 20. Tonight the season really got going as they took the stage for ten great distinct pieces. But I get ahead of myself…

Cat Deeley is a welcome sight (always) in a small black sparkly dress, and she gets the show off to a quick start as she introduces the dancers. Lithuanian ballroom champ Iveta is wearing a weird gold spandexy thing. Robert, the Wooooo man, looks like he burst out of the San Diego Chicken in a tattered yellow shirt and cap. Everyone does a quick move or two in their signature style, and then it’s up to Cat to utter her catch phrase, which she never actually utters anymore, making it possibly the world’s only non-phrased catch-phrase. “Ladies and gentlemen, here are your…“ The crowd finishes her sentence with a hearty “Judges!” and we meet executive producer Nigel Lythgoe, ballroom expert and resident car alarm Mary Murphy, and guest judge Megan Mullally. Megan Mullally? But isn’t she…a comedian? Turns out she’s done several Broadway shows and trained in ballet. So hush up, skeptic recap writer.

We’re informed that Mitchell, a dancer that quite frankly we barely saw in the Vegas and audition rounds and know little about and aren’t yet invested in, injured his elbow and won’t be dancing this evening on doctors orders. He is allowed to shed a single tear and watch from the audience, and doesn’t have to be home getting plenty of rest and drinking fluids or anything. It’s time for our first couple of the night, and before Cat kicks to the pre-taped package she tells us that each of the dancers will have 8 seconds (not a tie in for the 1994 Luke Perry rodeo movie, sadly) to tell us everything we need to know about them, setting them up for HILARIOUS beat-the-clock moments! Shoot. Forgot to put quotes around HILARIOUS. “HILARIOUS.” There. Better.

Time to learn about Jordan and Tadd! Jordan is 19 (it’s her birthday!), she really wants to be a Pussycat Doll (who doesn’t!?), she’s a foodie, and her favorite color is blue. She also dances really sexy, which they made sure we learned in the early rounds. Her partner, Tadd, is a 25-year-old Bboy, he once played a dancing taco, almost got killed by Bollywood, has identity issues, and wants world peace. Fine, but what’s your favorite color, Tadd? They draw “Jazz” and are given an African Jazz routine by buff choreographer Sean Cheesman (The Cheeseman, as he shall now be called, ‘cuz how cool of a nickname is that?!). Jordan is surprised to discover that African Jazz isn’t just African People in African Outfits. She AfriCAN do the choreography, as can Tadd, and the routine, set to Afro Celt System’s “Riding the Waves” is solid, if not a bit forgettable. Unforgettable? Tadd’s Rufio meets Rockadoodle look. It really works for him. Nigel thought they exploded on stage, in a good way. Mary, kooky ol’ Mary, thought the whole studio was shaking (“Did you feel the floor?”). Megan, oddly, is the first to offer any real technique critique, noting Tadd’s great strength and Jordan’s beautiful extensions.

Next up, it’s Sasha and Alexander! Sasha is 23, but often forgets her age (this piece took 58 takes!), and her favorite color is purple. We already know quite a bit about her, as she was a standout (along with her sister) in Vegas. Alexander, 20, is from Alhambra, California and sort of speaks Spanish. They draw “Contemporary” and get to try on a Travis Wall routine, which means you are set up to do well, as he’s the show’s golden child choreographer and consistently does great work. Travis explains that it’s about Alexander’s conscious coming back, or something. No matter, ‘cuz we’re treated to a montage of Sasha beating the crap out of Alexander. Yay Pain! The routine is set to a remixed Sarah McLachlan track, and I must say it’s refreshing to hear her music set to something other than a manipulative animal shelter commercial (Which. Gets. Me. Every. Time.) The piece is full of strong precise movement, and they dance it well. Cat remarks that Alexander looks like Rambo, although he’s wearing grey tattered clothing and doesn’t blow anything up. Mary thinks it was a SLAM DUNK BAM. She uses other Batmanesque onomatopoeia to describe it. She also compliments Sasha, saying she’s strong and dynamic with great stage presence and technique. Alexander was strong, but she thought the two were disconnected. This was echoed by both Nigel and Megan. Nigel also likens Sasha’s right hand to that of Mike Tyson. Here’s hoping she doesn’t bite poor Alexander’s ear off next week.

Let’s meet Clarice and Jess. Clarice is 19, her eyes change color, she’s shy, but then she’s fun! Jess (male), is the broadway wunderkid from Vegas who’s like Evan from the previous seasons, except incredibly socially awkward. He’s 18, loves to sing and dance and make noises like “Poopie!” He’s also incredible at what he does, and low and behold, they draw “Broadway,” and its time for—shit, Tyce Diorio. I’ll be upfront and say that I don’t care for him. If I had a walnut allergy, he’d be my Waldorf salad. Anyhoo, he promises a celebration of dance, character and style. The piece is set to Liza Minelli’s “Me and My Baby,” and while Clarice holds her own, Jess destroys it. But how do Cat’s favorite “pocket-sized couple” fare with the judges? Megan loves it! It’s pure joy on a platter! Nigel enjoyed it, but thinks Clarice will have to do a lot of work to keep up with others in the competition. Mary thinks Clarice isn’t in any danger, but that Jess was perfection.

On to Ryan and Ricky! Ryan nearly made the show last season but was told no, albeit eloquently, by Lil C in front of her family and friends! What a night! She’s here now, she’s a 19 year old Sagittarius who loves Mexican food and Law and Order SVU SO MUCH! Also 19, Ricky…loves cheer music. They draw “Lyrical Hip Hop” and choreographer Chris Scott, who did some memorable mash-up routines in last week’s intro episode. This time, it’s a concept piece where they are in love, but Ryan is gone, see, and so Ricky is dancing with her, but not with her, so she isn’t actually there, but she is, and she’s smiling, but should she be, and, wait, what? Set to a cover of “Ain’t No Sunshine” by Lighthouse Family, it’s fluid and interesting and very well danced. Nigel loved the rhythmic feel of the piece, but was confused by the emotions, as were Mary and Megan. Ryan is quick to defend her grinning choice, saying it’s a happy memory, and then an affair between Cat and Ricky is awkwardly alluded to, and we all have a good laugh, I suppose.

Next up—Caitlynn and Mitchell. Caitlynn is 18, a small-town high school Senior who loves Disney movies and the color green and seems as young as she sounds. Mitchell, 20, is allergic to onions, loves chocolate, childhood movies and the color orange and is, oh yes, injured as we learned at the start of the show, so let’s just skip ahead to where Caitlynn does the routine with season seven’s Robert to La Roux’s “In For the Kill.”  It’s full of all sorts of strong, defiant, powerful poses, because it’s a jazz piece choreographed by Sonya Tayeh, about “what we can accomplish without fear.”  Mary thinks Caitlynn suuuuuure was in it for the kill and that they were lucky to have Sonya. Everyone was impressed by Caitlynn strength and movement, and Nigel gives it tens across the board!

Oh boy. Miranda and Robert. Miranda is 19, from Pittsburgh, loves her family and spicy food and still sleeps with a nightlight. Robert, known as the woooo man, is from Brooklyn, loves to cook fried chicken, plays video games, is super into professional wrestling, and loves dogs and cats. Their card says “Latin,” and that somehow means a jive routine by Jason Gilkerson. Miranda is an unapproachable girl and Robert is a nerd who is gonna go after her anyway. Robert uses a funny character voice and makes a bunch of “wooooooos” and cat and dog noises in his confessional cam, cementing him as this generations Michael Winslow and reminding me that I have a lot of Police Academy fan fiction still to write. The piece itself, set to “Runaway Baby” by Bruno Mars, is energetic, with Miranda dressed like a sexy ‘60s go-go dancer, and Robert wearing sparkly Urkel glasses. The judges eat it up, saying Robert has the most personality on the show, though Nigel thinks he needs to work on his technique and that Miranda needs to be more confident. Robert woooooooos at Mary, Mary screams back at him, and I claw my face off.

Four to go! It’s Missy and Wadi! Missy we only met briefly in Vegas, she was concerned her sexy dancing would make it hard for her to make the show since Jordan also specializes in sexy dancing, but do not fret, sexy ones! There’s plenty of room! Missy likes yoga, lipstick, the fridge, talking in a Jamaican accent, wants to marry an Australian and loves her family. Breaker Wadi got a ton of camera time in the audition rounds and has to be considered an early favorite. He’s 24, born in Jamaica but raised in the U.S., and loves Japanese culture. It’s time for Jazz again, and The Cheeseman returns! The concept is a doozy—see, they’ve opened Pandora’s Box, and unleased demons. But don’t worry, Missy. He wants them to be SEXY demons! So you’re all set! As “Judas” by Lady GaGa starts, the two dancers emerge out of a giant cube and red smoke. The piece itself didn’t do much for me, save for a strobe-lighted section towards the end, but the dancers nailed their choreography. Nigel thinks it’s one of The Cheeseman’s best pieces, and calls Missy one of the beasts of the girls. Girls just LOVE being called beasts, Nigel! He does think she’s the complete package and tells her so. All are impressed with Wadi’s partnering skills, as it’s completely new to him.

And on to the routine of the night! It’s Melanie and Marko! Melanie, the adorable pixie who lost her father a few years back and charmed her way through Vegas with her stunning movement, is a 19-year-old southern belle who used to wear a helmet because she was narcoleptic. Marko, 22, is that guy who still has a bullet lodged in his shoulder from a botched robbery attempt. He’s 22, and doesn’t have a sore throat, it’s just how he always sounds. They get “Contemporary” and we’re treated to another Travis Wall routine, about statues who come to life at night. Part of me was kind of hoping it would be a nod to Mannequin and we’d hear “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now” by Starship, but instead it was to Ingrid Michaelson’s “Turn to Stone.” Painted white to look like marble, the two partner brilliantly, and dance it to perfection. The judges give their first standing ovation of the night, and Nigel comments that it could be the first Emmy-nominated routine of the season. Mary is completed choked up and points out how magical the piece was. Megan agrees.

Ashley is 22 and likes waffles, peanut butter toast with BBQ chips and orange soda, and probably indigestion. Her fave color is magenta, she loves Ugg boots, and has swag, evidently. Chris, 21, is from Dallas and is part of a big family. He’s the last of the Bboys. They get “Hip Hop” and Chris Scott, and the routine is about cheating—they are both cheating on each other and find out at the same time! Chris has a hard time with it as it hits a bit too close to home, but he works it out. It’s set to Cee Lo Green’s “Forget You,” a once-great song that that movie The Dilemma ruined for me by associating it with its preview. A pet peeve here—in order to establish their young high school ages in the piece, Chris is wearing—get this—a letter jacket! This happens more often than I would like on this show. It’s a fun, but light, routine, and the judges wonder if people are going to vote for the emotionally charged pieces or the goofy ones this season. These two could be in trouble going into the results show.

One more! It’s Iveta, the 30 year old quickstep champion from NYC via Lithuania, who’d love to have a monkey but the big apple won’t allow it. She’s paired with Nick, the tapper who has a really fun personality! (or so he says, in what I think was kind of an inspired bit to fill up his eight seconds). They draw the dreaded quickstep, which is usually the kiss of death on the show. It’s choreographed by Jason Gilkerson, and set to Sweet’s “Ballroom Bliss.” And, surprisingly, it WORKS. It’s energetic and hypnotic, and the two of them partner very well. Another standing-O from the judges, who of course praise Iveta (who is the best in, um, THE WORLD at this genre) but also have incredible things to say about Nick, who has a terrific carriage and holds his own with the best, prompting Nigel to shout, “TAPDANCERS RULE!”

Cat recaps the numbers to call, and sends us to the phones. Two hours down, and another fantastic season of television’s greatest reality show is truly on!

Cole, Vanessa and our favorite film frau Mindy Sterling (“Austin Powers,” “Drop Dead Gorgeous”) talk Toddlers and Tiaras, Super 8, Weinergate, The Groundlings, So You Think You Can Dance, iCarly, DeNiro vs. Streep, improv films, jungle cartoons, America’s Next Top Model, our celebrity doppelgangers, Midnight in Paris, Tracy Morgan’s rant, the real Ringo Starr, butchering the National Anthem, and Cole’s dashed dancing career.

Leave your answer to the Firsts question (the first rude or bad comparison to a celebrity you got) for a chance to win an Austin Powers trilogy DVD set (with Spies Like Us thrown in for no particular reason) signed by Mindy!

Cole, Vanessa and original Satellite of Love-er J. Elvis Weinstein (“Mystery Science Theater 3000,” “Freaks and Geeks”) talk summer movies, Thor, the Hangover II letdown, Home Ec., the final Oprah show, SNL vs. SCTV, a new Lifetime show, America’s Funniest Home Videos, Cowboys and Aliens, Prince, the riffing writing process, horrendous shop class accidents, Beers and Weirs, and Cole and Josh’s epic Elvis Costello-off.

Leave your answer to the firsts question (The first meal you ever remember cooking) for a chance to win a Pop My Culture T-Shirt!

Sleeping At Last is built around Wheaton, Illionois’ Ryan O’Neal (vocals, guitar and piano) who has a knack for gorgeous, fragile melodies and quiet, hypnotic instrumention. Along with bassist and keyboardist Dan Perdue (who, it was just announced, is leaving the band), he’s in the middle of releasing an ambitious and charming project known as Yearbook, where each month they release three new songs for an entire year, each EP named after the corresponding month (with different eye-catching, whismsical nature paintings as covers). Having been featured on TV dramas like Grey’s Anatomy and Private Practice, the songs wear their hearts on their sleeves, with O’Neal’s emotive and vulnerable vocals anchoring them firmly. “Tethered,” the first track on the April EP, is a sweet, lush ballad and a good representation of the band’s soothing sound.

Visit them on the web and check out the cool Yearbook series, HERE

SLEEPING AT LAST / TETHERED

Cole, Vanessa and our favorite returning gentleman humorist Paul F. Tompkins (“The Paul F. Tompkast,” “Best Week Ever”) talk lots of American Idol, some college, Lars Von Trier, the Arnold Schwarzenegger fiasco, The Rapture, Scotty’s weird mic holding technique, The Brothers Grimm, Bridesmaids, So You Think You Can Dance, participation trophies, Fargo vs. The Big Lebowski, Beyonce, William Castle, and Cole nearly putting Vanessa on podcast time-out.

Leave the answer to the firsts question (the first award, trophy, prize or medal you won and how you got it) on our website for a chance to win a Freak Wharf CD signed by Paul!

Smother, the third full-length album from Kendal, England’s Wild Beasts is their strongest to date and one of the best records of the year thus far. Super dramatic and lushly melodic, it’s an addictive journey that grows more and more interesting with repeat listens. Singer Hayden Thorpe has a unique (some may say affected), light, lilty tenor voice–more restrained here than on previous releases–and it soars along with the music. If you find it to your liking, than Wild Beasts will soon become one of your favorite bands. “Lion’s Share” sets the tone nicely, indicative of an album full of beautiful silences and thundering crescendos. Other stand-out tracks include “Loop the Loop” and “Plaything,” but I’ve decided to highlight the gorgeous mid-tempo burner “Albatross,” coincidently the first single released from the record. There’s a touch of Martin Gore-penned Depeche Mode in it, and it really stuck with me when I first heard it.

WILD BEASTS/ALBATROSS

Cole, Vanessa and the dynamic musical comedy duo Garfunkel & Oates (Riki Lindhome & Kate Micucci) talk vanity plates, Odyssey of the Mind, blue snowsuits, the White House Correspondents Dinner, Famous Food, Bristol Palin’s face work, The Olive Garden, the premiere of PMC Thunderdome, Glee duets, ABC’s old school TGIF, the Just the Ten of Us Theme Song, haunted iPhones, school lunches, their new HBO pilot, and the debut of Vanessa’s soon to be classic pee-pee song.

Tell us your answer to the firsts question (the first song you ever wrote, as a child or later) for a chance to win a Pop My Culture T-Shirt (as soon as we get ‘em printed!)

The beautiful and talented Mindy Sterling (a future PMC guest!) is up for the Lymphoma Leukemia Society Woman of the Year! Help her meet her funding goal she’s an amazing woman and pushing for an amazing cause. She also wants to prove her son wrong, and who can’t get behind that? Read her story and give!

She only has a few days left to fundraise, let’s help her kick cancer in the patootie!*

*butt

Hailing from Stockton, California, and recording under the name Craft Spells, Justin Vallesteros has crafted an album reminiscent of 80s synth-pop bands like Joy Division. Both dreamy and occasionally dancey, it finds a great groove and sticks with it, mining the territory that current bands like Wild Nothing and The Radio Dept. adeptly explore. There’s hints at the afro-beat rhythms and guitar work Vampire Weekend made their mark with, such as on this track “Party Talk.” As a whole, Idle Labor flows quite nicely, with a great flushed out sound rarely heard on solo projects like this. It’s lo-fi bedroom recording taken took the next level, and Vallesteros shows a ton of promise.

CRAFT SPELLS/PARTY TALK

So there’s this guy… he’s sort up-and-coming on the underground hip-hop scene… goes by the handle “Ludacris.” Heard of him?

Ok. I realize it’s ridiculous but I LOVE THIS TRACK. (I even talk about it on our year in review episode.)

Why do I like Ludacris? He’s funny. He’s in on the joke. Even when he’s saying heinous things, you can hear the smirk in his voice and sense the twinkle in his eye. He reminds me of a (hypothetical) adorable bad boy in the back of class who I might pretend to be disgusted by, but I would definitely make out with him up against a locker after school.

Sure, we’re from different walks of life- I’m too whitebread for him, and he’s from the other side of the tracks- but there’s an undeniable chemistry- a spark that will last at least for a few weeks (until he is disgusted by my fear of authority and I am repelled by his penchant for shoplifting CDs by people he doesn’t even LIKE. Sade? Really? Tyrone, I just don’t GET you! Oh, you don’t get *me*? No, I’m NOT going to quit playing the flute. I don’t care if it doesn’t have street cred- I love the sound of woodwinds. This is never going to work, is it? We’re over. OVER. Don’t look at me like that! Come here, you…)

Anyway. Ludacris is hilarious. And whenever I cough or clear my throat, I find myself uncontrollably blurting “LUDA!”

The beats are hot, the key-tone melody is delightful, and it’s total a ear-crush, every time.

LUDACRIS / SEXTING

Anyone who has listened to more than, say, 20 minutes of one of our podcasts will know that I am a huge nerd for 80s flicks–as a child of HBO, there’s buckets of movies that I watched over and over again, memorizing the dialogue and, often, the songs.

I had no knowledge of Gilbert and Sullivan at that age–but I suuuuuure knew 1982′s  The Pirate Movie, a “modern” “rock retelling” of their classic opera, Pirates of Penzance. While Kevin Kline brought the true pirates to the screen, I gravitated towards Christopher Atkins and Kristy McNichol’s “chemistry” as they fall in love, sing cheesy ballads (I’m a sucker for both “Hold On” and “How Can I Live Without Her?”), and frolic with animated fish, as seen below in the show-stopping number “Pumpin’ And Blowin.’” Directed by Ken Annakin, the same guy, YES THE SAME GUY, that directed the Disney classic Swiss Family Robinson and the war actioner The Battle of the Bulge, it’s a truly horrendous yet absolutely mesmerizing product of it’s time. There’s nods to the Star Wars films and a good ol’ fashioned “the whole thing is imagined due to falling overboard” plot. Long out of print and rare on VHS, the good folks at Anchor Bay released it on DVD and I’ve been enjoying it ever since. And yes, I managed to find the soundtrack online, and have a lot of explaining to do when “We Are The Pirates!” pops up on my iPod at random at a party.

Anyone else have mad love for this movie? Let me know in the comments!

–Cole

p.s. Found this online, and I’m sure one Vanessa Ragland would approve…

Cole, Vanessa and the hilarious Thomas Lennon (“The State,” “Reno 911!”) talk The Royal Wedding, Beefaroni, The X-Files, the firefly from The Princess and the Frog, texts from Zac Efron, the Black Eyed Peas, Morrissey vs. Kerouac, Medium Head Group, Ren Faire, Rollerhounds, call-in guests, accidental fingerings, Prince Charles’ infamous quote, Franzia, and memories of a stripper who dressed like Agent Scully.

Leave your answer to the firsts question (the first person you can remember being jealous of, famous or not) for a chance to win a 17 Again DVD signed by Thomas Lennon!

Gotta love him.

Does anyone else see this? Because I REALLY do– to the point of distraction. Especially when he’s perched on that huge chair on The Voice; tiny legs dangling, arms gleefully clapping or making the international symbol for “drats!” when someone gets his pick. I’m just about ready for him to bonk Xtina with a frying pan.

xo,
v

I’ve been gushing over the UK’s Cherry Ghost for a couple of years now–I discovered Simon Aldred and co. whilst on my honeymoon in London, picking up their debut record Thirst For Romance on a whim with a pile of King Creosote (a Scottish artist hard to fine stateside) and the first Reverend and the Makers album at Rough Trade near Notting Hill. The band’s combination of poetic lyricism, alt-country folk rock instrumentation and some of the best melodies I’d ever placed my ears on made me an instant fan. Late last fall, they released their sophomore album, Beneath This Burning Shoreline. My expectations were unusually high–I was anxious yet scared to spin it, as I had such a love affair with Romance and didn’t want to be disappointed. But unlike Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull and the later Matrix movies, I was thrilled with what I was experiencing. Somehow, Aldred had delivered a record that expanded on their sound, quickly jumping to the top of my best-of list for the year (rivaled only by The National’s High Violet). I was initially drawn to the lovely single “Kissing Strangers,” which is not to be missed, but I thought I would stream the slow-burner that has ingrained itself into my head as of late—”Luddite” is a gorgeous, ambitious six minute journey that sounds just marvelous coming through my headphones. You may have to search a bit to locate the album (it’s not yet available on iTunes in the states, and may not be for a while), but trust me, you will not be disappointed. If you want to get a feel for the band, check out “People Help the People,” “Dead Man’s Suit,” and “False Alarm” on the first record, which is easier to track down. Oh, and Simon, if you’re somehow reading this–PLEASE COME PLAY LIVE STATESIDE!

CHERRY GHOST / LUDDITE

Oh boy, oh boy. This is the BEST trouble you’ll get into all day. “Around the World” is the first release by new artist Sonny Trouble. Sonny Trouble’s sound is a delicious mix of funky pop and soul with just enough electroliciousness to shake every kind of butt. (I’m beginning to think I’m REALLY good at writing about music.)

Sonny’s going to be releasing more tracks soon- but I wanted you in on the ground floor with me so we can get excited together and then we don’t have to get on the elevator alone. We will arrive at the top at the same time and it won’t be all awkward because we’ll be arm in arm; laughing and grooving. WE WILL BE THE PARTY.

Give “Around the World” a listen below, you can get this track as a free download on his site. Oh, and PS- he’s super cute. Damn boy!

Cole, Vanessa and the wryly funny Brice Beckham (Wesley from “Mr. Belvedere”) talk the San Diego Chicken, Lady GaGa vs. Weird Al, Game of Thrones, Robert Goulet, debunking Belvedere myths, Brocktune, Drama 3/4 Productions, Dune characters, humorless Prince, being too dark for Spike & Mike, unusual musicals, pranking the Pres, Leon Redbone, molestisodes, and the teenage quest for boobs on Cable TV.

7 cities. (OC, NY, ATL, NJ, DC, Bev Hills, Miami)
40 women. (I’m not going to write down all their names.)
Countless hours of my life spent watching their (mostly) vapid lives and delighting in their antics. “Antics” is really a far too Lucy & Ethel word for the RHW universe,  but “escapades” is too Janet and “drama” is too 2000.

From weave pulling to table flipping, turtle-timing to arriving late to events, I am utterly captivated.

And I hate myself for it.

But what’s worse than all the time I spend WATCHING these train wrecks (and enduring the network’s chronically-excited nasally voiceover guy sneering “Only on Brah-vo!”)? All the time I spend THINKING about them. About the franchise. About their lives, their hairlines (I’m lookin’ at you, Teresa), their businesses (makeup! wigs! cookbooks! jewelry!  pinot grigio! fancy fat-smushing suits!), their dogs-  my fixation is really quite time consuming.  It hasn’t been this bad since I was obsessed with imagining Beyonce’s conversations with her parents in 2002-2004 (example of a daydream:   Beyonce sits at the kitchen table eating a modest breakfast of hard boiled eggs, as her father paces the room and lectures “You’re out growing Destiny’s Child… I can feel it. Take no prisoners, Beyonce.”  “But dad!  They’re my frie-”  [Mr. Knowles slams his fist on the table, rattling the salt & pepper shakers]“Take no prisoners.”  Tina rushes in from the other room, with a threaded needle in her mouth, holding a half-stitched leather corset for her daughter, “What’s the meaning of this, Matthew?!”)

While I don’t expect or want them to be “real” in any way…. I’ve always felt rather frustrated that so few of them are married.  Housewives- huh!

So, I took hours from my busy schedule (eating cereal from the box takes a LOT of time) and figured out everyone’s marital status. Then I made a chart. View the SHOCKING RESULTS! Ok, the results aren’t shocking at all.  But at least everything is all charted up in one place.  What a scientist-y thing to say.  I really am getting older and wiser.

FOUND / Factorycraft

FOUND is an comprised of three art college buddies from Scotland (lead vocalist and guitarist Ziggy Campbell, synth and bassist Tommy Perman and electronics and drummer Kev Sim) with a really cool, unique hybrid sound—there’s some garage band rawk, some raw emotive vocals (love that Scottish brogue, reminiscent of Frightened Rabbit, The Twilight Sad and Arab Strap), multi-synth layering and an experimental songwriting approach. Their latest record, Factorycraft, shifts tone and technique from track to track, creating a really interesting and rewarding listening experience. They’ve recently signed with Domino, but have also released work on Fence records, helmed by one of my favorite artists, King Creosote. “Anti Climb Paint” is the album opener, and a good example of the energy running rampant on the album.

FOUND / Anti Climb Paint

Sidney Lumet is one of the greatest filmmakers who ever lived. Period.

I was seriously bummed to hear of his passing a couple of days ago–when I was in film school at San Francisco State University, his book Making Movies was like The Bible to me. His insights into the creative and collaborative filmmaking process were absolutely fascinating. He was a true actors’ director, which is evident by the stellar work from the casts of his films. New York was also a character in almost everything he did. I hungrily ate up his body of work, curating a nearly complete section of his films for the indie video store I was an assistant manager at. He cut his teeth directing live TV dramas alongside directors like John Frankenheimer, and made his leap to the big screen with the Henry Fonda classic 12 Angry Men. In that spirit, here are twelve of my favorite films that he made.

12 Angry Men (1957)

Lumet’s debut also earned him an Academy Award nomination, a rare feat for a first time director. It’s well-earned, though. His deft hand guides this Henry Fonda chamber piece, a fascinating look inside the jury room where one man has just enough of a doubt to open up discussion on a murder trial on a sizzling New York summer day. The cast is uniformly superb–including Lee J. Cobb, Martin Balsam, Ed Begley, Jack Warden, Jack Klugman, John Fiedler and E.G. Marshall. There’s tension throughout, and the film just flies by.

The Pawnbroker (1964)

Rod Steiger is tremendous as Sol Nozerman, a Jewish pawnbroker in a poor New York neighborhood, haunted by memories of Nazi concentration camps. Lumet transitions brilliantly between his flashbacks and his present day situation, bringing out Sol’s internal struggle in a fantastic way. It’s powerful, no-holds-barred filmmaking.

The Hill (1965)

Lumet and Sean Connery did a series of amazing movies together, this being their first collaboration, and it’s a doozy. Connery plays Roberts, sentenced to a North African military prison during the second world war for disobeying an officer. He’s up against sadistic guards, especially Staff Sergeant Williams (Ian Hendry), who marches the prisoners up and down a prison-yard hill in the scorching heat. Connery is restrained and marvelous, and Ossie Davis gives one of his best performances here. The cinematography by Oswald Morris is supreme.

The Anderson Tapes (1971)

The second teaming of Lumet and Connery, this is a cool caper flick with Connery playing a recently-paroled thief who can’t resist getting up to his old ways, robbing an apartment building with the help of a young psychotic Christopher Walken. Of course it goes bad, as these things often do. It features an experimental soundtrack by Quincy Jones, and was a pre-cursor to genre flicks like The Hot Rock.

The Offence (1972)

A year after The Anderson Tapes, Connery and Lumet made this creepy psychological cop thriller, with Connery hot on the heels of a child molester who may or may not be Ian Bannen. The opening sequence sets the stage; slow-mo mood, going in and out of focus while an interrogation goes wrong in a police station. A little slow in spots, but really trippy and well-acted.

Dog Day Afternoon (1975)

In my opinion, this is Lumet’s masterpiece–a bank heist actioner that’s also an incredible character study. Al Pacino and John Cazale give career performances (and that says a lot, considering The Godfather), as does Chris Sarandon as Pacino’s lover. The scene where Pacino talks to Sarandon on the phone was done in one long take, and the first take is the one they used. Tragic and endlessly entertaining.

Network (1976)

The much-acclaimed multi-Oscar winner penned by Paddy Cheyefsky, it’s a seering take on broadcasting and the news and is one of the best examples of what Hollywood can produce when all things truly come together. The cast is aces–Peter Finch, Robert Duvall, Faye Dunaway, Ned Beatty, Beatrice Straight and William Holden all excell here. It’s required viewing in film school, and rightly so.

Prince of the City (1981)

A brilliant, epic character study of a cop stuck between internal affairs and his shifty department–Treat Williams headlines the picture, which also features Jerry Orbach, Lindsay Crouse, Bob Balaban and James Tolkan. You can feel how this influenced things to come, like HBO’s The Wire.

The Verdict (1982)

Paul Newman got an Oscar nomination for his performance as boozy ambulance-chasing lawyer Frank Galvin, who, through one case, finds redemption as a lawyer and a man. James Mason also was nominated, as was Lumet, and the crackling dialogue is thanks to playwright David Mamet.

Running on Empty (1988)

Every time I see this, I am saddened that we lost River Phoenix so early–a tremendous talent, this is truly his picture. The son of a family constantly on the move due to their actions protesting the Vietnam War, Phoenix finds himself at a crossroads–to continue running, or start a life of his own and never see his parents (Christine Lahti and Judd Hirsch) again. Best use of James Taylor music ever.

Night Falls on Manhattan (1996)

Lumet continued his exploration of police corruption with this criminally underrated drama, featuring one of his best casts (Andy Garcia, James Gandolfini, Richard Dreyfuss, Ian Holm, Lena Olin, Colm Feore, Ron Liebman, Dominic Chianese, Paul Guilfoyle, Vincent Pastore and Jude Ciccolella).

Before The Devil Knows You’re Dead (2007)

Lumet’s last picture, it showed how he was still at the top of his game well into his eighties. Opening with a shocking sex scene, the film constantly keeps you off balance, as Philip Seymour Hoffman and Ethan Hawke play brothers who botch a jewelry store robbery. Albert Finney, Marisa Tomei, Amy Ryan, Michael Shannon, Bryan F. O’Byrne, and Rosemary Harris round out the excellent cast. A strong final film from a true master.

What are some of your favorite Sidney Lumet movies? Let me know in the comments!

–Cole

Watch out, Pacific Northwest!

Cole will be performing two improv shows with Theme Park Improv at the Bridgetown Comedy Festival next weekend in Portland, Oregon. The groups consists of past PMC podcast guests Simon Helberg, Michael Hitchcock, Oscar Nunez, Janet Varney and Cole Stratton himself. So if you’re able, join them for an hour of fun long-form improvisation based on an audience suggestion! Here’s the details:

Friday, April 22nd, 7:30pm and Saturday, April 23rd, 10pm

@ The Hawthorne Theatre Main Stage, 1507 SE 39th Ave., Portland, OR

Tickets and info HERE

The outcome: Thousands of children were exposed to this lost treasure, and then went on to live their lives. Lives haunted by flashes of images, fear of alopecia, and a feeling that maybe their art teachers were great, great, great, great grandsons of Renoir.

The Peanut Butter Solution is a cinematic gem that is weirder than The Pirate Movie, The Electric Grandmother, and Tip Toes combined.

In four separate instances I have mentioned this movie and watched as friends’ eyes go wide; then they mutter, “I thought I dreamed that….” Slowly, more memories resurface. “And there was a pervy little Asian boy, right?” “Were there dogs chasing him down the street, nipping at his hair? Because I remember dogs.” Oh yes my friends, there were dogs. And pink karate uniforms. And so much more.

BONUS: The theme song, “Listen to the Magic Man,” is sung by a young and impassioned Celine Dion. Lyric Excerpt: “Listen to the mah-gic man, and bing BANG and ding DANG and oops! Your mind goes CLANG!”

Love, Vanessa

PS: What are the weirdest/fondest/most disturbing movies from YOUR past?

Cole, Vanessa and the lovely and hilarious Casey Wilson (“Saturday Night Live,” “Happy Endings”) talk Real Housewives, Stella Adler, Jacob Lusk’s man-in-the-mirror statement, karaoke, meeting Lorne Michaels, The Governator cartoon, baby filmmakers, cowboys vs. ballplayers, the musical Cats, accents, stage moms, extreme Idol contestants, Russell Brand overload, and Vanessa and Casey’s bonding moment over one Mr. Zac Efron.

Cole and I get along like gangbusters (or gang-bangers that are really good friends and deciding to beat the odds and get out of the gang-banging lifestyle) but I’ll tell you something…. SPOILER*… we are not the same person.  While Cole is off somewhere wearing an ironic t-shirt, listening to something artsy and vaguely European as he plays trivia with himself, you will probably find me covered in dog hair, daydreaming and shaking my ka-tush to some big fat bass. Really though, my music tastes are pretty extreme; I’m either listening to something acoustic and raw that makes me want to cry, or drowning out the pain of my inner torment with RAPS. I loooooves me some raps. So, this little section will be for JAMZ that are currently fueling my inner swagger.

First up: Kid Sister. Kid Sister (normal name: Melissa Young) is a Chicago rap artist who makes me happy from my toeses to my hurrdo (read: all over) because she’s one of the best females on the scene. I fell in love with her after hearing “Damn Girl” two years ago, and she hasn’t let me down since. You might have heard her track with Kanye West, Pro-Nails, but in my opinion that’s hardly her best work.
I was so happy when she (via Fool’s Gold Records) released her free mixtape this year!
KISSKISSKISS is a delight- pure electro-pop/hip-hop fun. Kid Sister is full of joy and has a smooth control in her delivery that somehow manages to be full of hip-hop confidence while still being in on the joke. (The joke being that NO one is that confident. I’m sure even rappers have bad hair days and sometimes their big cars are not the BIGGEST car. )

Download it! Shake your shakey-parts.

In the mean time enjoy “click, clack”!

*“SPOILER!” is so 2008, but I’m so 2000 & irrelevant. And I’m fine with that.

YUCK (Self-Titled)

Yuck is the worst way to describe a band this tasty–think 90s guitar outfits like Dinosaur Jr. and Built to Spill, with a little Buffalo Tom thrown in as well. Hailing from New York, Hiroshima and London (rehearsals must be a bitch), the bands’ self-titled debut is an immersive treat. Daniel Blumberg and Max Bloom, both previously of the band Cajun Dance Party, both contribute stellar vocals and guitar work; Mariko Doi keeps channels the Pumpkins’ D’arcy on bass and Jonny Rogoff anchors the drums. “Get Away” kicks the record off with a nice bass groove and a wall of sweet sonic guitars.

Yuck / Get Away

In the words of my mother, “Wowwee-oh-boy.” Cole  and I were surprised and amazed to find ourselves on the Rolling Stone’s list of the top 10 comedy podcasts!

It’s Rolling Stone!  And we’re in it!  And we’re number 2!  And we’re up there with some of our favorite people and podcasters, including two past guests, Paul F. Tompkins (Pod F Tompkast) and Chris Hardwick (Nerdist).

For people as obsessed with pop culture as Cole and I are, this feels first-kiss tingly and warm-towel good.

(And who cares if they put Snookie on the cover that one time?  I say, ride that rocket to stars, lil’ pickle.  Ride it to the stars.)

xox
V

PS: I picked that Britney cover BEFORE I saw Norm’s name in the lower left.  Fate!

Cole, Vanessa and four terrific cast members from the beloved series “Freaks & Geeks”—Samm Levine (Neil Schweiber), Sarah Hagan (Millie Kentner), Natasha Melnick (Cindy Sanders), and Steve Bannos (Mr. Kowchevski) talk American Idol, fireplace wasps, tailoring emergencies, Jennifer Hudson’s Oscar, the Black Swanstroversy, The Missing Bus episode, James Franco’s insane behavior, sideshow freaks vs. math geeks, Icebreakers Sours, the Fifth Element and Naima, inter-show softball, Dirk Nowitzki’s similarity to the Norseman’s Head, and Vanessa’s attraction to Perry Mason and Norm MacDonald.

Leave your answer to the firsts question (your first celebrity crush) on the comments section of the episode for a chance to win a Freaks and Geeks Scripts Book Vol. 1 signed by all of our guests!

Cole’s Indie Music Corner: Young Galaxy

Vanessa and I have pretty different music tastes, as do our podcast guests, so we don’t usually get to talk music as much as I’d like to. I worked as a manager at Second Spin for several years (until it got bought by a giant “music” conglomerate who is more interested in selling Twilight lip gloss than turning people onto great records), so it’s always been close to my heart. So I bring you “Cole’s Indie Music Corner,” where each week I’ll write up what I’m currently listening to and post a streamable track. We start with a band from Vancouver, B.C….

Young Galaxy just released their third LP, entitled “Shapeshifting.” It’s a marked departure for the band, turning in their guitars for a more electronic feel. Originally just a duo, the band has filled out to six members and created a hypnotic, layered sound. Melding their pop sensibilities with some seductive minor chords, they’ve created an album that’s both catchy and loungy (but not in the Vegas kind of way–the kind of music you can listen to late at night, with a glass of wine, or whatever your poison is). The vocals are split between co-founders Stephen Ramsay and Catherine McCandless, the latter’s soothing pipes particularly suited for the new direction the band has gone in. There’s a distinct Euro feel to the proceedings, recalling bands like The Knife, Bang Gang and Alpha. “We Have Everything” is a stand-out track, a mid-tempo burner that is indicative of the leisurely pace of the album—the opening lyrics some it up: Oh spare me today / I’ve had enough of the hurry hurry / Just let the day rise easy / And take over.

YOUNG GALAXY / “WE HAVE EVERYTHING”

Check out their website HERE

Cole, Vanessa and some of the outstanding cast of The Thrilling Adventure Hour–writers Ben Acker and Ben Blacker, and actors Marc Evan Jackson (“Funny or Die Presents…”), Colin Hanks (“The Good Guys”) and James Urbaniak (“The Venture Bros.”)–talk insensitive Twittering, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, The Real Housewives, Drones, KWOD 106.5, The Bachelor, Racehorses vs Indie Bands, Tom Leykis, getting a case of the “Shreves,” outer space Rom-Coms, Sparks Nevada: Marshal on Mars, a dramatic reading from the book of Rebecca Black, and Urbaniak’s decade-old Aflac audition.

Tell us your answer to the “Firsts” question (the first radio program or show you were really into) in the comments section for a chance to win:

THIS Thrilling Adventure Hour poster signed by all five of our guests plus the rest of the cast from the April 2nd, 2011 show–that’s right, you get John Hancocks from:

Ben Acker / Ben Blacker / Colin Hanks / Marc Evan Jackson / James Urbaniak / Ed Helms / Joshua Malina / Linda Cardellini / Dana Gould / Andrew Daly / John DiMaggio / Busy Phillips / John Ennis / Mark Gagliardi / Hal Lublin / Aaron Ginsburg / Sara Watkins / Sean Watkins / Craig Cackowski / Annie Savage / Andy Paley!

Cole and Vanessa guest on episode #307 of the Long Shot Podcast

The second piece of the great podcast-crossover: Cole and Vanessa on The Long Shot Podcast!

In Episode #307 of The Long Shot Podcast we discuss 1988 BMW’s, flat tires, dressers in triplicate, and Phil Hartman’s final days. Check it out!

Cole, Vanessa and the hosts of The Longshot Podcast (Sean Conroy, Eddie Pepitone, Jamie Flam and Amber Kenny) talk the Robocop statue, Rebecca Gayheart “trivia,” Celebrity Apprentice, Death Metal, LA moments, Jon Cryer, Jose Canseco impressions, monkey sex, Celine Dion, putting Gary Busey in charge of anything, personal-space-invading Leonardo DiCaprio, new Broadway musicals and Eddie’s extreme disdain for Donald Trump.

Coming soon–Cole and Vanessa cross-over and are the guests in an upcoming Longshot Podcast!

Cole, Vanessa and cinema’s quintessential nerd Eddie Deezen (“Grease,” “Midnight Madness”) talk Robert Zemeckis, motion-capture technology, I Wanna Hold Your Hand, Diablo Cody, Spielberg’s 1941, Wendy Jo Sperber, Critters 2, playing a bully in Laserblast, the Marx Brothers, Star Trek or cuisine, time-traveling with The Beatles, Warner Brothers vs. Disney cartoons, Stephen Furst, Cameron Diaz in The Mask, and Eddie’s ill-fated audition for Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

Leave your answer to the firsts question (The first Beatles song or album you were obsessed with) on our website for a chance to win a Grease DVD signed by Eddie!

Pop My Culture Podcast LIVE – with Freaks and Geeks!

Cole and Vanessa are proud to make their live Los Angeles PMC debut with special guests from the much-loved “Freaks and Geeks!”  Please come out and join us for this fun, live recording  with Samm Levine (Neil Schweiber), John Francis Daley (Sam Weir), Sarah Hagan (Millie Kentner), Steve Bannos (Mr. Kowchevski), Natasha Melnick (Cindy Sanders) and more TBA!! Be sure to buy tickets in advance as this show will most likely sell out! Exclamation point!

Wednesday, March 30th, 8:30pm $5
at The Improv Comedy Lab
8162 Melrose Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90046

BUY TICKETS HERE.

As we settle into our second year of the Pop My Culture Podcast, we’d like to join the world of merch and make some sweet PMC T-shirts! We’re not the most artistically-inclined, but we’re sure some of you are. So we introduce the first ever Pop My Culture T-Shirt Contest! Let your imaginations run wild! You can email the artwork to:

info [at] popmyculturepodcast.com

The winning artist will receive $100 and a fun Pop My Culture gift bag chock full of cool stuff! Sound good? We’ll also post everyone’s artwork (with your permission) in our gallery so everyone can see the coolness we had to choose from. Thanks in advance and we look forward to seeing your ideas!

What are we looking for? Good Question! The ideal design could have something to do with pop culture, our guests, our questions/games, wizards, ogres, whatever! Just create an image you think encapsulates our podcast, and make a design that will look cool/pop on a shirt. Would you want to wear it?

What’s in it for me? Well, aside from a cash prize ($100), a cool gift basket loaded with pop-culture goodness, a rap AND thanku- your design AND you will be plugged on the show, on our site, and get lots of exposure. And acclaim. FOREVER.

Nuts N’ Bolts: The artwork only needs to be web-quality for now, but we’ll need it high-res/print-quality should we choose your design.

Deadline?: EXTENDED! MAY 1, 2011.

Cole, Vanessa and funny, friendly giant Steve Agee (“The Sarah Silverman Program”) talk the Oscars, Justin Beiber in 3D, retro iPhone apps, Manpile vs. Goober, progressive rock and fantasy novels, Lindsay Lohan’s impending jail sentence, Degrassi, bubble skin, a fantasy new Tony Danza sitcom, Rascal Flatts, Banksy’s takeover of Los Angeles, Arcade Fire, Lady GaGa’s three days in an egg, off-putting Colin Firth, undeletable Myspace, The Osmonds, and Vanessa’s self-imposed bleeping.

Cole, Vanessa and writer/director/stand-up extraordinaire Bobcat Goldthwait (“World’s Greatest Dad,” “Police Academy 2-4″) talk Snapped, phoning it in, Tarzan vs. Cheetah, Black Eyed Peas, The Kinks, montages, Bozo the clown, the difference between hobos and bums, Perez Hilton, Grover and Elmo, Clooney for a day, re-enacting, being tongue-tied around Elvis Costello, peaceful gun ranges, and Bobcat’s amazing group of rescued felines.

Leave a comment on our website with the first joke you remember telling as a kid for a chance to win a Police Academy 2 & 3 DVD signed by Bobcat!

Cole, Vanessa and the incredible Bob Odenkirk (“Mr. Show,” “Breaking Bad”) take the stage live at SF Sketchfest, the San Francisco Comedy Festival and talk TLC shows, Middle Earth, mudmen, the writing process, Judy Tenuta, Spider Man: Turn Off the Dark, Ashton Kutcher movies, hockey players, Bryan Cranston, The Critic’s Choice Awards, Cupcake Wars, the Chuck E. Cheese band, radio lies, Gentlemen’s Club, and Vanessa creeps a little bit closer to Zac Efron.

Pop My Culture Podcast Live at SF Sketchfest
Sunday, January 16th, 1pm @ The Eureka Theater
Tickets: $15
BUY TICKETS HERE

We’re excited to be taking the podcast on the road and doing a LIVE recording in front of a LIVE audience at SF Sketchfest, the San Francisco Comedy Festival. They’ll be laughing, applauding, or at least breathing, as we are joined by our very special guest: sketch comedy master Bob Odenkirk (Mr. Show with Bob and David, Breaking Bad). Tickets are a reasonable $15 and it would mean the world to us if you’d come out and support us! Buy tickets from the link above, and check out the full festival lineup at www.sfsketchfest.com.

Simon Helberg, Samm Levine, Danny Pudi, Deanna Russo and Janet Varney
Cole, Vanessa, and five fantastic returning guests–Simon Helberg (The Big Bang Theory), Samm Levine (Freaks and Geeks), Danny Pudi (Community), Deanna Russo (Knight Rider), and Janet Varney (Dinner and a Movie)–talk about their favorite and least-favorite things of 2010 in this high-spirited and, uh, MUCH-spirited special episode, presented in two parts!

Part 2:

Simon Helberg, Samm Levine, Danny Pudi, Deanna Russo and Janet Varney
Cole, Vanessa, and five fantastic returning guests–Simon Helberg (The Big Bang Theory), Samm Levine (Freaks and Geeks), Danny Pudi (Community), Deanna Russo (Knight Rider), and Janet Varney (Dinner and a Movie)–talk about their favorite and least-favorite things of 2010 in this high-spirited and, uh, MUCH-spirited special episode, presented in two parts!

Part 1:

Cole, Vanessa and quick-witted podcasting king Jimmy Pardo (“Never Not Funny”) talk the Game Show Congress, the Golden Globe nominations, Zac Effron’s split, a passionate defense for Billy Ray Cyrus, the love of Campbell Scott, the latest Fockers installment, elevator movie reviews, early drafts of speeches, the Shakespearian Brad Pitt, the Pardcastathon, Helen Mirren’s bod, holiday specials, 80′s rock band discography, and a Pardo-generated new nickname for Vanessa.

Leave a comment about the episode as well as your answer to the “firsts” question (the holiday special or movie you first remember you or your family being obsessed with) for a chance to win a Pardcastathon T-Shirt signed by Jimmy Pardo!

Cole, Vanessa and sublime sketcheteer Paul Scheer (“Human Giant,” “The League”) talk Conan’s return, Yo Gabba Gabba, Sexy Beast scenery-chewing, working with Jack McBrayer, getting fired from Meet Dave, Hot Air Balloon Cops, Cameron Diaz spoiling The Box at Comic-Con, catch phrases, Children’s Hospital, the new Tron, Respecto Montalbon, Weird Al’s In 3D, Titus Welliver’s arsenal of impressions, and a surprising question milestone for Vanessa.

Leave a comment about the episode as well as a few thoughts about the first record you ever bought with your own allowance for a chance to win a Human Giant Season 1 DVD signed by Paul!

Cole, Vanessa and amazing actor and Aaron Sorkin-regular Joshua Malina (“Sports Night,” “The West Wing”) talk the new Crackle series Backwash, Bulworth, Sorkin walk n’ talks, pranking Bradley Whitford, Knights of Badassdom, poker, Sarah Silverman, the Broadway Bowling League, Modern Family, Mondogate, remaking Three Amigos, pebble skin, “going a different way with it,” Jon Hamm, and Cole’s pointless Edward Furlong grift.

Leave a comment with your thoughts about the episode and tell us about the first prank you ever pulled for a chance to win an “A Few Good Men” DVD signed by Joshua!

Cole, Vanessa, and charming character actor Alan Ruck (“Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” “Spin City”) talk Twister, Trekkers, learning to ride a horse, Gene Saks, My Favorite Year, Willow Smith, Jan De Bont, Barry Bostwick’s sandwich, tiny Katharine Hepburn, Alan’s iconic Red Wings jersey, The Grey Fox, Justified, The Expendables vs. Sex and the City, and Sandra Bullock’s love of the on-set prank.

Leave a comment with your thoughts about the episode and the first play you were ever in (at school, etc) for a chance to win a Ferris Bueller DVD signed by Alan!

Cole, Vanessa and the comic’s comic Andy Kindler (“Last Comic Standing,” “Everybody Loves Raymond”) talk Modern Family, Top Hat Cleaners, Johnny Carson, drunken Charlie Sheen, Bob’s Burgers, reinventing Last Comic Standing, chubby things, funny words, bedazzled sunglasses, radio DJs, Back to the Future, wise 32-year-olds, Doug Benson fan voices, vowels done the Entourage way, and Cole’s sad “Bandits” story.

Cole, Vanessa and writer/director/animator Savage Steve Holland and brilliant actor Curtis Armstrong (“Better Off Dead,” “One Crazy Summer”) talk cult movies, Clan of the Cave Bear, Banksy, Bobcat Goldthwait, the brilliance of Joe Flaherty, improvisation, EEK! The Cat, Bruce and Demi’s wedding, Revenge of the Nerds, the Porky’s remake, Whammys, the Flintstones, the importance of casting, and Vanessa’s dream of being a puppy for an afternoon.

Tell us about the first cartoon you loved as a kid on the comment page on our website for a chance to win a “Better Off Dead” DVD autographed by Savage and Curtis!

Cole, Vanessa and super-funny siblings Randy and Jason Sklar, aka The Sklar Brothers (“Cheap Seats Without Ron Parker,” and The Sklarbro Country Podcast) talk the Crackle web series Held Up, schmancy milk cud, Tony! Toni! Toné, Halloween costumes, Running Wilde, Jon Dore, the other Mark Wahlberg, the British Office, busy Tivos, Bowling Camp, Stevie Ray Vaughan vs. Huey Lewis and the News, Bo Diaz, Lobster Grams, Words With Friends, and Vanessa’s weirdest question ever.

Cole, Vanessa and stand-up comedian extraordinaire Graham Elwood (“The High Road with Doug Benson,” “The Comedian’s Got a Boo Boo”) talk Cram, The Town, making Podcasts, Justin Bieber’s drum solo, Whammy, dumb executives, wearing four watches, comedyfilmnerds.com, game shows after dark, Frogguy36, landmarks in movies, Devil, seeing Star Wars twenty times in the theater, puppet comics, and Vanessa’s odd obsession with wrists.

Cole, Vanessa, and the masterful, oft-masked actor Doug Jones (“Pan’s Labyrinth,” “Hellboy”) talk the Webbernet, working with Guillermo del Toro, Lady GaGa, fan art, the longevity of Hocus Pocus, Buffy’s “Hush” episode, learning Spanish, Gay Robot, getting drunk as Abe Sapien, passing the time during prosthetics, Hoarders, wearing meat dresses, eating fairies, Boris Karloff, Silver Surfer, Southwest Airlines mummies, and the launching of McDonald’s Mac Tonight campaign.

Cole, Vanessa and lovable comedic actor Tony Hale (“Arrested Development,” “Chuck”) talk The Situation, Tim Conway, awkward scientist conversations, the Arrested Development movie, ranking the Real Housewives, the Lost finale, working with Mitchell Hurwitz, salmon allergies, Just Desserts, Andy Barker P.I., angering sorceresses, puppy-producing lawns, The Walking Dead, the new Dancing With the Stars cast, monster roommates, and the great Gail Simmons vs. Padma Lakshmi debate.

Cole, Vanessa, and hilarious scene-stealer Joe Lo Truglio (“The State,” “Role Models”) talk the upcoming Simon Pegg/Nick Frost flick Paul, landlord Tim Gunn, the new Piranha movie, My Dinner With Andre 3D, Spaghetti with Fried Bumblebees, Lifetime Television, Marley and Me, Queens of Country, Hankiefest, interest alleys, The State sketch CD, Sssssss, the 3-cent coin, Wet Hot American Summer, super-clean Toronto, Len Cariou, and getting booed with Paul Rudd at the L.A. Galaxy game.

Cole, Vanessa and our favorite mad scientist Frank Conniff (TV’s Frank from “Mystery Science Theater 3000″) talk Glamour’s 50 Sexiest Men, cat people, The Expendables, the Minneapolis stand-up scene, Albert Brooks, The Rockford Files reboot, the early days of MST3K, Sabrina The Teenage Witch, Kim Cattrall, spaceship rides, the writing process, Robert Pattinson’s hairy wrists, the ever-popular Torgo, and the many benefits of having beagle ears.

Cole, Vanessa and original “Not Ready For Primetime Player” Laraine Newman (“Saturday Night Live,” “Metalocalypse”) talk Lilo’s jail sentence, the real Bob Vila, the world of voiceover, Katherine Hepburn impressions, french horn-playing handymen, rebellious teenagers, the early days of SNL, Fozzie Bear, sexual attraction to juniper trees, The Groundlings, eternal coolots, and Vanessa’s perceived poor directorial choices regarding a shirtless Zac Effron.

Cole, Vanessa and stand-up comedian and Twitter king Rob Delaney talk Graham Linehan, alopecia, Elton John, Boston accents, Twitter mood maps, Favstar, Inception, singing the National Anthem, Rock Band, Katy Perry, the infamous Comic Con stabbing, Witstream, Devil in the White City, white guys with dreadlocks, remote-controlled Voltron, Joan Rivers, and Rob’s obsession with Slayer.

Cole, Vanessa and master improviser Michael Hitchcock (“Waiting for Guffman,” “Best in Show”) talk Celebrity Rehab, working with Christopher Guest, having a “jacuzze,” The Room, McRibs, Troll 2, The Groundlings, watching extras, Glee, sailor uniforms, Party of Five, the Turtle Man, Judge Judy, childhood marionettes, Flash Mountain, House Arrest, and Michael’s startling discovery on Google.

Cole, Vanessa and movie riffing royalty Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett (“Mystery Science Theater 3000,” RiffTrax.com) talk The Dark Knight, slave Leias, casting The Hulk, helicopter flicks, Tom Waits and Shania Twain mashups, the demise of Blockbuster, favorite Road House lines, unusual Halloween costumes, Fat Mama, spirit gum, Tron guy, sad vuvuzelas, Mannequin II: On the Move, baby legs, Dr. Parnassus, Adam West’s goon, and what—WHAT—Mel Gibson.

Cole, Vanessa and their favorite television physics nerd Simon Helberg (“The Big Bang Theory,” “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog”) talk Emmy snubs, a 3D Captain Ron remake, Tony Shalhoub, the Dr. Horrible sequel, wet underwear, Comic-Con, the Real Housewives, weird heart attack commercials, Hong Kong Phooey, owning physical CDs, the end of the internet, The TV Set, dainty Hobbit-like Prince, James Earl Jones’ REAL voice, LA Theatreworks, and Cole’s unwavering admiration for Alex Wong.

Cole, Vanessa and the incredibly tall and equally hilarious Matthew Lillard (“Scream,” “Scooby-Doo”) talk the state of the film industry, merkins, Joan Rivers, Phantom vs. Les Mis, Hackers, Kenny Rogers, writing soup letters, Joan Embry internships, the upcoming Scream sequel, scary movies, the Human Centipede, Madisonsfoundation.org, writing a surf musical, and Cole and Matthew’s Shaggy-off.

Cole, Vanessa and television staple Cristine Rose (“Heroes,” “How I Met Your Mother”) talk sweaty glows, Angela Petrelli, So You Think You Can Dance, the writers strike, Pushing Daisies, Maggie Smith, playing Jackie Kennedy, Picket Fences, Toy Story 3, the Ferris Bueller TV show, ghost cops, disco, Ishtar, Todd Oldham, The Biggest Loser, Hoot hooting, Klingon makeup, and the loss of Mary Murphy’s hot tomale train.

Cole, Vanessa and TWO amazing guests–Oscar Nunez (“The Office”) and Danny Pudi (“Community”) chat in front of a live audience in Aspen, Colorado about Stephen Seagal, Willow, paintball specialists, groping, Galarraga’s perfect game, Donald Glover for Spiderman, velvet improvisers, Jaden Smith, proud prominent noses, missing q-tips, gypsy Burt Reynolds, and things that are shit hot.

Cole, Vanessa and sketch pro Mo Collins (“MadTv,” “Arrested Development”) talk podcasting crickets, Sandy Bullock, skit vs. sketch, Parenthood, unusual awards, Carol Burnett, the Strawberry Shortcake doll smell, teenage bands, sparkly vampires and zombies, odd fetishes, Lorrainisms, Betty White, popsicle stick jokes, Bazooka Joe comics, and boxes full of poop.

Cole and Vanessa bring their pop culture goodness to the rocky mountains for this live recording, featuring not one, but TWO great guests–Oscar Nunez (“The Office”) and Danny Pudi (“Community”). Tickets are free, so grab a glass of wine or a beer and enjoy the lively conversation–or catch it here on the website as a future episode. For more information on the show and the festival, go to http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/events/aspen/

Cole, Vanessa and adorable Linda Cardellini (“Freaks and Geeks,” “E.R.”) talk jeggings, Bieber Fever, Ewe Tube, sex tapes, the American Idol finale, Nancy Grace, Brett Michaels, Top Chef Masters, satellite radio, Snapitude, unicorns, Precious, Scooby Doo, the Burger King from Back to the Future, and the importance of Dead Man On Campus’ Guy #2.

Cole, Vanessa and hilarious gentleman comic Paul F. Tompkins (“Best Week Ever,” “Mr. Show with Bob and David”) talk tattoos, twitter wars, Kid Nation, Law & Order, riverboat gamblers, Lindsay Lohan, There Will Be Blood, flippers, The Pacific, invisible sound guys, Morgan Spurlock Food Detective, Treme, The Philly Fanatic, broadcasting in a leafblower, and what the Shrek just happened.

Cole, Vanessa and 80s/90s teen flick icon Keith Coogan (“Adventures in Babysitting,” “Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead”) talk weepy Disney films, Iron Man 2, meta filmmaking, Hiding Out’s pedophilia, Canadian child doubles, The Waltons, Just the Ten of Us, the Monologue a Day Project, John Cusack’s fascination with Cassiopeia, stripping babysitters, 6th grade rock bands and brownie thieves.

Cole, Vanessa and the handsome, hilarious Mather Zickel (“Rachel Getting Married,” “Reno 911!”) talk Dungeons & Dragons, Bubo, the Smurfs Movie, anal media, heavenly bunk-beds, Critters 2, 3D, Joe Estevez, Roger Corman, the Janekasaurus, and Mather’s set-lifted wardrobe.

Cole, Vanessa and our favorite Nerdist Chris Hardwick (“Web Soup,” “Singled Out”) talk Tron, the iPad, remaking Fletch, the Disney Vault, getting naked for Steven Seagal, Lode Runner, Hufflepuff, foul-mouthed kids, Dave Coulier, the Hollywood Squares, demeaning commercial auditions and a super-extreme version of Apple Care.

Cole, Vanessa, and the dream captain of Vanessa’s heart Bobby Campo (“Final Destination,” “Legally Blondes,” Vanessa’s Fantasies…) talk comics, horror movies, Teen Witch, more Teen Witch, Sookie’s Sexuality, Snow Caps, cougars, Lollapalooza, humiliating blue cat mascot outfits, Risk, and much more…and they did it all while trying to talk through the incredibly thick sexual tension that filled the room.

Cole, Vanessa and lovely, lovely, lovely guest Deanna Russo (“Knight Rider,” “Gossip Girl”) talk terrariums, Jesse James, Brotherhoodies, Cloris Leachman, fan K.I.T.T. creations, Carlton Cuse, the night of 140 Tweets, Breaking Bad, @ signs, making eye contact with Richard Simmons, horse appendages, verbal nodding, sounding smart, and Cole’s ridiculously literal t-shirt.

Cole, Vanessa and special guest Janet Varney (“Dinner and a Movie,” “Entourage”) talk Corey Haim, celebrity crushes, the biosphere, shirtless saxophone solos, Dan Fielding’s wardrobe, Little Man Tate, and Andie MacDowell’s “acting.”

Cole, Vanessa and special guest Samm Levine (“Freaks and Geeks,” “Inglourious Basterds”) talk Oscars, unobtainium, dancing Buzz Aldrin, measurement beans, Paris rooftops and Vanessa’s unhealthy obsession with Zac Efron.

Let us know what you think in the comments (that’s like a modern day “suggestion box” for you old timers. But hey, listening to a “podcast” is pretty modern. Way to go! You can DO THIS!)