The Retired Porn Producer's Guide to...

Over 60 and need a Fuck?

admin — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 21:05:16 PST

Me to… now if you don’t think you can keep up with your average 23 year old gold digger, you might want to try something more your speed. My research team came across this Seniors Dating site. I hooked up with a couple of birds on there and they were all freaky in the sack. It was free to try, and that saturday night was worth the effort of making that profile…ok ok…I had the intern do it. He talked me up nice. So go there now and sign up.

Best $25 you’ll Spend as a Porn Producer

ChristopherGuest — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 21:52:39 PDT

Contracts for the Film & Television Industry

So the Retired Porn Producer gets a lot of mail asking for legal advice for the porn industry. Everyone wants to shag, no one wants to do the paper work. But if you don’t take care of this shit then you’ll end up like Joe Francis. So you’re going to need a lawyer for sure, but how do you know if the lawyer is really doing the jobs that need to be done? How do you know what questions to ask.

This book, Contracts for the Film & Television Industry has all the basic film industry contracts. Its just a start, but also gives you a run down of what will be needed and example contracts that you can have your “intern” type out, or you could buy the disk. It will be the best $25 bucks you’ll spend as a Porn Producer.

Site Redesign

admin — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 12:50:30 PDT

For all of those who have been enjoying the Retired Porn Producer for years, you’ll know that the site need a complete redesign. Well here it is. The new site is built on wordpress, features comment and talkback forms, better quality video and added sharing and syndication tools. The site also incorporates a number of previously independent Retired Porn Producer themed content for your enjoyment.

Wet and Wild on Wet Pussy Games

admin — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 21:20:54 PDT

Wet Pussy Games

You gotta love these webmasters who have style…and content. Here’s one got it all games, videos, porn of every kind. But the first game I played was a little on the difficult side….didn’t get my load going.

Over all though, 4 Dick Throbs.

Simply Sexy Fun on MySexGames

admin — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 21:19:03 PDT

MySexGames

This is the real king pin of adulr game sites. Clean layout and piles of content. The games are a mix of flash and 3d. Lots of bondage. The first game I played was a dark tale of lesbian bondage in which a feminist secretary refused the advances of her secretly dominatrix boss. You click out the lights, and guide the action.

5 Dick Throbs

Introduction to Sex and Funny Flash Games

admin — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 21:12:34 PDT

So you’re looking for some fucked up fun on the internet. Well I got a collage intern to search the net and suggest the very best in Adult Flash Games sites. He lost his girlfriend and the respect of his parents but he came up with one hell of a list. Then I carefully reviewed each and every one, grading it by Style, Selection, Variety, and how hard the first game I tried made my dick. The Cock Throb scale of 5!!

How to be a Porn Producer

admin — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 18:51:06 PDT

As you can see, there is no actual porn on this site. That’s because I’m retired. But young guys always come up to me asking how they can get into the belly-bouncing biz. Well fellas your in for a real cornholing because it’s a tough way to make living. You see its not like in my day, when broads weren’t allowed in the union, and every corner had a blue theatre. Today its all about the internet. So how can you become a porn producer, well I’ll take a crack at getting you started.

1. Become a Ladies Man

Don’t knock it! If you can’t get them to sleep with you, you’ll never get them in front of the camera. Take out women for all walks of life, and try out all the moves yourself. Use the online dating sites with the wilder side, and really find your niche.

And remember, when in the field cover up. Protect yourself when doing your research.

2. Get Kinky! Get a Camera

Try to make a few videos with your lady friends…dam the things are only like 100 bucks these days…

3. Get a Lawyer!

Oh shit, should I have put this one before the get camera one??? Well its game over for all you losers who didn’t finish the list before posting some one night stand online. You’re probably in jail or worse by now…it happened to a guy I know, when he gets out of the slammer he’s going to need every last dime some buy his DVDs:

4. Make a Website

You gotta make a name for yourself. And today that means having a website, here are some cheap services to get you started. You’re gonna need unlimited band-thingy, so pony up.

5. Face Reality and Make Some Money

Your videos aren’t going to make you any money, advertising other peoples big budget skin flicks is going to make the money. Use established porn affiliate programs like:

Ron, my bestboy, he likes Pussy Cash for his videos.

6. That’s Right No One Wants Your Stinking Videos

There are thousands of guys like you out there…you think you’re the only one who wants the glammer??? The ejaculation!! That is being a porn producer…I mean the thrill of seeing your work, your best babe’s booty on the screen… Well, I won’t spoil it for you.

But what I’m told you gotta do these days is give it way, so now here’s the smart part…you contact all those sites where people get to see shitty short clips…and tell them that you have a site that has shitty medium length clips, to which they’ll very likely ask, “Are you Cornholing me?” And you’re not, so it will be ok…here is one to get you started.

JuicyClips

That’s it…you are now a modern day porn producer. If you read this but want to be talent in the porn industry, I’ve got some reading for you to brush up on your skills.

But can you really handle it? Find out, take my quiz.

Get Better At SEX! Tips for Men

admin — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 18:42:29 PDT

So you want to able to do it like the stars. Well there are some basics that you need to know first. This page is really more for those wanting to take it to the next level and Fuck like a Porn Star.

Dear Playboy Advisor:

Questions from Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine

How to Make Love Like a Porn Star:

A Cautionary Tale

1-2-3 Be a Porn Star!

A Step-By-Step Guide to the Adult Sex Industry

Secrets of Better Sex:

A Noted Sex Therapist Reveals His Secrets to Passionate Sexual Fulfillment

Learn How to Rule the Bedroom

admin — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 18:38:10 PDT

So you want to get good at the old slap and tickle. Well good for you. A women who controls in her man’s pants, will have her way in the world. Good luck!

The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio:

How to Go Down on a Man and Give Him Mind-Blowing Pleasure (Ultimate Guides Series)

The Multi-Orgasmic Woman:

Discover Your Full Desire, Pleasure, and Vitality

How to Tell a Naked Man What to Do:

Sex Advice from a Woman Who Knows

Secrets of Better Sex:

A Noted Sex Therapist Reveals His Secrets to Passionate Sexual Fulfillment

Male Sexual Problems? The Retired Porn Produce Can Help

admin — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 17:50:11 PDT

Here are some books you can buy on Amazon.com that might help make you a man with the skill of a porn star. Get these book and start practicing, a whole new world awaits.

Scientifically Guaranteed Male Multiple Orgasms and Ultimate Sex:

Restart natural penis enlargement, Eliminate forever premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, impotence and Enjoy daily orgasms

The Advanced Man:

Finally Revealed, Secrets to Safely Achieving Natural Penis Enlargement, Having Multiple Male Orgasms and Guaranteed Ways to Make Any … Her Crazy Right in Your Arms, Every Time! II

An Everlasting Lover:

How One Couple Learns the Secret of A Multi-Orgasmic Man

The American Males Guide on How to Get More Pussy

Erectile Dysfunction:

Integrating Couple Therapy, Sex Therapy, and Medical Treatment

Female Sexual Problems? The Retired Porn Producer Can Help

admin — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 17:38:28 PDT

Ok ladies! So you need some help getting to the top of the mountain. Well its all about you. No man can make it happen if you can’t make it happen yourself. But if the problem is he just can’t stay in there long enough, he might need to learn sexual kung-fu!

Here are some books I’m told are great for all those other little issues that can get in the way of your shake and shiver.

The Lazy Girl’s Guide to Good Sex

The Lazy Girl’s Guide to Men

Five Minutes to Orgasm Every Time You Make Love:

Female Orgasm Made Simple

Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot:

Not Your Mother’s Orgasm Book! (Positively Sexual)

B is for: Bang the banjo

admin — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 19:32:00 PDT

Of a male, to masturbate . See masturbation-male for synonyms.

“So the other day this guy says to me, ‘I can play the banjo, give me a job.’ So I said, ‘I’m not going to pay you to bang the banjo, there’s no money in wanking willy flicks.”

The Retired Porn Producer

A is for: Aardvark

admin — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 13:26:00 PDT

College slang meaning to engage in sex .

“On the way in this morning, I had a great idea for a new flick. This taxidermist is working in his show, with all those chemicals and starts to hallucinate. She kneels down at the alter, we film the doodle, the drill, and the drive…then he wakes up to find that he’s ‘doing the Aardvard’ literally!”

The Retired Porn Producer

# is for : 5-digit disco

admin — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 07:26:00 PDT

A jocular reference to male masturbation . See masturbation-male for synonyms.

“Now here’s one that really brings me back. You know I did a flick called, ‘Fist Full of Dollars on a 5-digit Disco’ back in 72. It was 90 minutes of a guy filling a jug with the good stuff to save his band. We used a lot of lube that day…ah ah ah.”

The Retired Porn Producer, 2007

Z is for: Zazzle

admin — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 20:04:00 PDT

Slang term for lust , horniness , sexual arousal.

SYNONYMS, QUASI-SYNONYMS AND RELATED TERMS: aphrodisia ; appetence ; appetite ; appetition ; ardor-veneris ; carnal-desire ; carnality; coitolimia ; concupiscence ; craving; eroticism; estrus ; heat ; horniness ; hunger ; lechery ; lewdness; libidinal craving; libido ; licentiousness ; lickerishness; longing; lust ; lustfulness; passion ; prurience ; pruriency ; restlessness; rut; salaciousness; salacity ; sensualism; sensuality; sensuous desire ; wantonness. Antonyms: anaphrodisia (anaphrodesia); sexual-anesthesia ; sexual-defluvium ; sexual-inappetence .

“A what? Zazzle? Sounds like an African porn star.”

The Retired Porn Producer, 2007

Y is for: Yellow

admin — Fri, 17 Aug 2007 11:34:00 PDT

In power eroticism, a safeword commonly used by submissives to end the scenario.

Quotes Containing yellow:
Greg Brady (C. D . Barnes) and Donna (Megan Ward) in The Brady Bunch Movie (1994): – Greg Brady: ”Hey there, groovy chic .” – Donna: ”Oh, great! Do I look like a yellow fuzzy baby bird to you?”
Vivian Ward (Julia Roberts) and Edward Lewis (Richard Gere) in Pretty Woman (1990): – Vivian: ”Pick one! I”ve got red, I”ve got green, I”ve got yellow , I”m out of purple but I do have one Gold Circle Coin left, the condom of champions, the one-and-only , nothing is getting through this sucker . What do you say?” – Edward: ”A buffet of safety.”
Kate (Meg Ryan), whose bags were stolen by a conman at the George V hotel, and Frenchman Luc Teyssier (Kevin Kline) in French Kiss (1995): – Kate: ”All men are bastards!” – Luc: ”Not all. I mean, some are just trying to help.” – Kate: ”You know , I never thought I”d be the kind of woman to say this, but all men are bastards. ” – Luc: ”The guy who was talking to you, he was….” – Kate: ”A bastard . A Euro-trash in Armani-kind of bastard .” – Luc: ”He was wearing a black suit with a yellow shirt?” – Kate: ”Yeah. You know him? Of course you know him. All you bastards know each other. Bastards!”
Kate (Meg Ryan), whose bags were stolen by a conman at the George V hotel, and Frenchman Luc Teyssier (Kevin Kline) in French Kiss (1995): – Kate: ”All men are bastards!” – Luc: ”Not all. I mean, some are just trying to help.” – Kate: ”You know , I never thought I”d be the kind of woman to say this, but all men are bastards. ” – Luc: ”The guy who was talking to you, he was….” – Kate: ”A bastard . A Euro-trash in Armani-kind of bastard .” – Luc: ”He was wearing a black suit with a yellow shirt?” – Kate: ”Yeah. You know him? Of course you know him. All you bastards know each other. Bastards!”