Positive Parents

I'll Give You an Example

2012-05-16T11:35:00.000-04:00

"Setting an example is not the main means of influencing another, it is the only means.” - Albert Einstein

“A good example has twice the value of good advice." - Anonymous

"He that gives good advice, builds with one hand; he that gives good counsel and example, builds with both; but he that gives good admonition and bad example, builds with one hand and pulls down with the other.” - Francis Bacon

“Every father should remember that one day his son will follow his example instead of his advice.” - Anonymous

“Juvenile delinquency would disappear if kids followed their parent's advice instead of their example.” - Anonymous

“Nothing is so contagious as example; and we never do any great good or evil which does not produce its like.” - Francois de la Rochefoucauld

“Example is the school of mankind, and they will learn at no other.” - Edmund Burke

"Your children will become what you are; so be what you want them to be." - David Bly

"Your children will see what you're all about by what you live rather than what you say." - Wayne Dyer

"Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners." - Anonymous

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An obvious truth: Children follow our example.

The reason so many parents struggle with "problem behaviors" has little to do with "discipline" and a whole lot to do with their example.

We say to them, "Talk respectfully to me!" but then we yell at them. We say, "Hitting is not nice!" but then we spank them. We say, "Clean up your room!" but our garage is a wreck. We say, "Don't snatch!" but we take away their toys when they do something we don't like. We say, "Watch your temper!" but we slam doors.

We teach them the unwanted behavior through our example, and then we have to try and clean it up with our "discipline."

Here's the thing. The reason so many wonderful positive parenting sites focus on teaching parents how to manage their own behavior, how to calm down in a storm, how to show compassion rather than anger, how to respond rather than react, is because they know that the example WE set is going to go farther in teaching our children proper behavior than any discipline technique, tool, or program we will ever learn.

But here's the other thing. It's HARD. Simple, but HARD. Because most of us weren't taught good emotional intelligence when we were kids. Our brains are wired to react, to yell, to lash out, and to turn this around so that we can truly BE who we want our kids to BE, that means we have rewire our own brains. How? By consistently taking those deep breaths to calm yourself before you speak, consistently walking away when you're too angry, consistently responding with sensitivity and compassion. Consistently. Time after time after time until the new pathway is made and it becomes our automatic response.

If we can consistently set the example of regulating our emotions, of calming before we speak, of speaking with kindness and consideration, of responding with compassion, we can bypass that whole "correcting in them our bad example" mess.

But wait. Am I saying we have to be perfect? Surely we are allowed to get upset from time to time. It's human, right? Right. I'm not saying we have to perfect at all. To err is human. We don't have to be perfect, but neither do they. Let's not hold them up to a higher standard than we can attain ourselves. Let's not be so quick to reprimand them when they yell or stomp away. Let's allow them to be human, too.

Let's focus more on our connection and on the example we're setting, and the need for correction will lessen. I wish you all a connected, playful day. <3

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Positive Parenting in Action is a 69 page PDF eBook which covers 15 behavior areas and walks you through 42 different scenarios! This book covers ages 0-6. If you're struggling with how to deal positively with certain behaviors, this eBook will guide you. Click here to purchase Positive Parenting in Action.

The Newbie's Guide to Positive Parenting is a 30-page PDF eBook that will give you clarity and offer you tools and skills that will strengthen your relationship with your child while teaching values and instilling the self-discipline that will benefit your child for a lifetime. Click here to purchase The Newbie's Guide to Positive Parenting.

To learn more about both eBooks, click here.

Mother's Day eBook Giveaway and Discount

2012-05-13T14:53:00.001-04:00

I'm giving away 2 copies each of The Newbie's Guide to Positive Parenting and Positive Parenting in Action today.

To enter, simply leave a comment on this blog post.

As a special bonus today, email me at admin@positive-parents.org for a $2.00 OFF link on either eBook of your choose. Put "MOM" in the subject line, and then tell me which eBook you would like.

Here is the information about our eBooks.

Are you tired of books that tell you want you should or shouldn't do but don't give you any alternatives?

We were, too! So we've written an eBook specifically to show you what positive parenting looks like in action! In this 69 page PDF eBook, we cover 15 behavior areas and walk you through 42 different scenarios! This book covers ages 0-6.

CONTENTS:
PART ONE – POSITIVE PARENTING IN THEORY
INTRODUCTION
NON-PUNITIVE PARENTING PARADIGM SHIFT
POSITIVE PARENTING PRINCIPLES
THE DEVELOPING SELF-CONCEPT
BUILDING ATTACHMENT IN INFANCY
PART TWO – POSITIVE PARENTING IN ACTION
EXPLORATION/DANGER
HITTING/AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR
TANTRUMS
NOT LISTENTING/COOPERATING
WHINING
INTERRUPTING
BACK TALK
LYING
CHORES/RESPONSIBILITIES
SIBLING RIVALRY
PEER INFLUENCE
MEALTIMES
POTTY LEARNING
NIGHT TIMES
OUT AND ABOUT
CONCLUSION

Here is what Dr. Laura Markham of Ahaparenting.com has to say about this ebook:

"This new ebook educates parents with real life scenarios, showing simply and accessibly how to put positive parenting into action in daily life. The user-friendly format takes daily scenarios that stump even seasoned parents, tells us what's going on in the child to cause the behavior, and recommen...ds specific parenting interventions to get the child back on track. Divided into sections like Nighttime, Potty Learning, Hitting and Whining, it addresses all the usual challenges of life with young children. Parents learn how to handle those supermarket meltdowns, the restaurant trip that makes you cringe, and even the inevitable sibling squabbles."

Read this review by Dulce de Leche

Review by Hybrid Rasta Mama

Review by The Path Less Taken

NOTE: There is a 24-hour download window. If, for some reason, you cannot download it within these 24 hours, email me at admin@positive-parents.org.

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I am so pleased to finally offer The Newbie's Guide to Positive Parenting! This 30-page PDF eBook will give you clarity and offer you tools and skills that will strengthen your relationship with your child while teaching values and instilling the self-discipline that will benefit your child for a lifetime.

The Newbie's Guide to Positive Parenting provides several scenarios so you can see positive parenting in action! This eBook includes:

ONE: What is Positive Parenting?

TWO: How Positive Parenting is Different from Permissive Parenting

THREE: Changing Your Mindset

FOUR: Teaching Tools

FIVE: Consequences, Punishments, and Problem-Solving

SIX: Limit Enforcement versus Punishment

SEVEN: 10 Alternatives to Punishment

EIGHT: 10 Things That Are More Important Than Discipline

What people are saying:

*I purchased your ebook and I'm really impressed. It's a great introduction to the concepts behind positive parenting, telling what it is and what it is not. I like the examples behind what is permissive versus what is positive parenting. -Allison F.

*I can't wait to share your new e-book with all my mom friends. I think it is very informative and has great scientific information as well as examples. It will be a great easy reference manual for parents! - Julie Y.

*I'm reading your E-book this morning and it is WONDERFUL! I'm excited to put all the tools to use with my children and spread the word about this great resource! - Ronelle

*I’ve finished reading the ‘Newbie Guide’. Excellent!

Informative: Laying down a base for why we want to be positive parents (or grandparents) appeals to our logic and enables us to let go of preconceived ideas of reward and punishment.

Tells what, how, and why: Books in the ‘70s told us ‘what’ but left us to our own instincts of just ‘how’ to be positive. Although our intentions were good, following through was difficult without really understanding how and why. The ‘why’ reinforces the importance of the ‘what’ and the ‘how’.

Gives examples: The examples re-enforce the ‘how and all parents can relate to the simple examples provided: hitting, throwing toys...

Easy language appealing to broad range of people: The language is simple and easy to understand. It’s obvious it’s been written by a loving, nurturing parent doing their best to raise their own children, and not from a doctor or psychologist trying to improve our behaviour as parents.

Leaves one feeling positive and good about themselves: The positive, loving, caring tone of the book leaves me as a grandparent feeling inspired to do my best to be positive and gentle with my grandchildren, even when they are having a bad day.

Thanks so much for making this book available in ebook form and for such a minimal price! - R.

*I think this book is wonderful! It is a great blend of philosophy, with practical tips for how to apply the principles. I love some of the cute ideas you have in there! LIke the mind jar, and I love your photo of the responsibility poster also. You phrased it so beautifully...that children are often punished for being human and are held to an ideal that we ourselves cannot attain. You have packed a lot of great info into this book. Highly recommend! - ConsciousParents.org

As a psychologist parents often come to me for assistance with their parenting challenges and with issues they consider behavior problems in their children. I have recently begun recommending this resource as an easy "how to get started" guide when they are new to the concept of positive parenting. I think it's a great resource. - Samantha M.

Self-Compassion Through the Rough Patches

2012-05-10T10:32:00.001-04:00

Positive Parenting isn't about perfection. Thank goodness for that! I, for one, have been far from perfect lately. I've yelled. I've slammed doors. I've had tantrums. There have been times when my child has needed my compassion and my empathy, and I didn't have it to give. Not to him. Not to myself. I wallowed around in my guilt for a while. Berating myself for failing. Shaming myself for not being able to self-regulate. "I'm the author of a positive parenting website! I should be better than this!" "I know better!" "I suck." "My kids deserve better." Blah blah blah.

Enough already.

I'm human. I mess up sometimes. Just like my children, I'm still learning how to be in this world.

I found this post from Hippie Housewife so inspirational. So real. She says:

I'm so tired and everyone needs me and I just want to be taken care of instead. Meals cooked, house cleaned, someone tucking me into bed and sitting beside me until I've drifted off to much-needed sleep. And most days I get by. I nap when I can and I gratefully eat food cooked by a kind husband. I try to keep a quiet schedule. I let some things go. Even so, some days get the better of me and I bumble my way through them, so very human in my weakness.
But those days don't define me. They don't define my children's childhood, either.

Then I read this post, and it slapped me upside my head. In a good way. I'm pretty terrible at self-regulating. One of the gifts I didn't receive in childhood, apparently. I'm more determined than ever to teach my kids how to do this so they don't have these same struggles when they're 30-something.

I've attacked the problem in my typical fashion. Research. Jot down ideas. Form a plan. Make a schedule. I'm nothing if not meticulous. Pardon me while I rewire my brain. I should have that put on a T-shirt.

There is a lesson to be learned in the rough patches, and if we learn it, internalize it, and put it to use, then we didn't really fail. We grew. And growth is good. Dr. Laura Markham says, "You can't simultaneously feel bad about what you've done and feel good enough to do better." My first step was to stop feeling bad about what I've done, to wrap my arms around myself and whisper, "It's okay. You're a good mama. You're good enough."

"Understanding alone cannot prevent disrupted connections from occurring. Some will inevitably happen. The challenge we all share is to embrace our humanity with humor and patience so that we can in turn relate to our children with openness and kindness. To continually chastise ourselves for our "errors" with our children keeps us involved in our own emotional issues and out of relationship with our children.." --Daniel J. Siegel

Once I stopped chastising myself, I sat in meditation for a while, letting the compassion flow in like it was coming from a fountain. I apologized to my children, who said "That's okay, Mom." Children are golden. Bless them.

If you find yourself off path, struggling, and in the midst of a rough patch, know that you are not alone. You are not a failure. You just need a little self-love. As important as it is to be loving and empathetic with our children, we owe as much to ourselves. We're all learning as we grow.

Try these techniques and meditations to bring yourself back to peace.

The 4-7-8 Breath

Guided Self-Compassion Meditations

Light Up Pinterest with SpankOut Day Pins!

2012-04-30T09:18:00.001-04:00

For more information on alternative methods of discipline, visit www.stophitting.org and www.nospank.net.

366 Days of Play: May

2012-04-28T11:36:00.002-04:00

Happy May! Pick one of the activities below to do each day for some awesome quality time spent with your child.

1. Get creative with bubble blowing....and popping!

2. Play in a sprinkler or pool.

3. Have a sack race, indoors or outdoors.

4. Family game night! Kids pick the game!

5. Make a Mother's Day craft. Click here for ideas.

6. Bake something together.

7. Put "I love you" notes in all the places you know your child will be. Bathroom mirror, pillow, refrigerator, toy bin...

8. Fill some balloons with water and food coloring and let them pop them in the bath. See this post.

9. Start the bedtime routine 15 minutes earlier and read a couple extra books.

10. Play a pretend game, such as doctor. See this post.

11. Make a bird feeder. Take an empty toilet paper tube and spread peanut butter all round the outside edge of the tube. Roll the peanut butter tube in bird seed. Cut a piece of yarn that is about 12 inches long. Attach it to each end of the tube to make a way to hang the tube onto a tree. Watch for the birds to come!

12. Go on a picnic at the park.

13. Have a backyard toy car wash!

14. Stay in your pajamas all day, watch movies, pop some popcorn, and cuddle.

15. Fill some balloons with helium and put them in your child's room while he's sleeping. He'll wake to a nice surprise!

16. Turn up the music and dance!

17. Have an ice cream taste test. Yum!

18. Make mudpies.

19. Camp out in the back yard, under the stars, at least for a little while.

20. Play traditional birthday party games...without the birthday party, like pin the tail on the donkey.

21. Play dress up. Take pictures!

22. Work on a scrapbook together.

23. Check out this awesome slip -n- slide! Make this, or your own version, and have some slippery fun!

24. Too rainy out? Here are tons of rainy day activities for toddlers. Pick one!

25. Want to paint without the mess? Check out this no-mess marble painting!

26. Build a fort and have lunch in it.

27. Visit a pond or lake. Catch frogs. Go fishing. Ride the paddle boats. Have fun!

28. Go on a nature hike or walk.

29. Don't step on the lava! Make a path of pillows and cushions and have the kids jump from one to the other, being careful not to step on the floor (lava).

30. Make big cars out of a cardboard boxes. Have the kids sit inside the boxes, cut holes for their legs and let them use their feet as wheels to move around.

31. Play red-light, green-light. Play this with #30. It is so fun!

The "Positive" in Positive Parenting

2012-04-23T18:44:00.001-04:00

"Give me other mothers and I will give you another world." - St. Augustine

Each baby is afforded one childhood. One. That's it. There is tremendous pressure on parents to get it right. We don't get do-overs. As Jackie Kennedy said, "If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do matters very much."

I know that if you are reading this right now, you understand the value of childhood. You understand the impact of your words on little hearts. You know that every interaction is shaping your child's brain, quite literally.

The responsibility of this can feel so huge as to weigh us down and make us feel as though we can never measure up, as though we are doomed to screw them up despite our best efforts.

Or, it can set us free.

Free to love them. Free to enjoy them. Free to fully cherish this fleeting time.

Positive parenting, on the surface, looks to be about gentle discipline, finding alternatives to spanking or punishment, and learning a more positive way to interact with our kids. In fact, I'd bet that more than 90% of those who Google "positive parenting" have discipline in mind, probably searching, just as I was, for a kinder way to control their kids. Their intentions are good, hearts are in the right place, but still, their minds are muddled with the current trends on "how to properly raise a child." It takes work and time to clear away the muddle, and many don't attempt to. They comfortably stay in that "first phase" of positive parenting. They've traded spanking for the time out chair, yelling for consistency and firmness, and they begin to notice and praise their kids for doing good, getting in that all-important "positive reinforcement" that so many positive parenting sites talk about. I'm not complaining about them. In fact, I salute them. That's a big step in the right direction, and it's not always easy to make.

But when they stop there, they're missing out on the freedom. They're still bound by the notion that they have to train them, control them, correct their every misbehavior, and on the flip side of the coin, bound by the notion that they must be perfect, never yell, never falter.

How can one feel positive and peaceful when there's so much pressure?

When you dig deeper down into positive parenting, you get to the "positive" part of the equation. This is the place where you can exhale and know that:

I don't have to perfect.
My child doesn't have to be perfect.
When we falter, we forgive.
We are free to love without conditions.
My child's behavior today doesn't define who he will be tomorrow. Neither does mine define who I will be tomorrow.

The coolest thing about giving up conventional parenting and just resting in the relationship you cultivate with your child is that, through this relationship comes real influence, through your example comes discipline, and suddenly you find that parenting is joyful again, without all the hard work. We've been conditioned to believe that parenting is so hard and that we are so self-sacrificing, but when we learn to put connection above all else, our hearts find peace.

Am I painting a flawless picture of forever harmony here? Not at all. There will be conflict, raised voices, bad days or maybe even weeks. There will be disconnects and high emotions and low emotions. There will be struggles and misbehaviors and loss of direction at times.

But that's okay. It's okay. Because we're human, and those things happen in the context of human relationships. Yes, our interactions are shaping their little brains, but this doesn't mean that every negative interaction will damage them for life. In fact, when we come back and reconnect, when we forgive and hug and say, "Do you know how much I love you?" we are creating pathways for healthy relationships, for learning how to come back to peace after a rift, and that's valuable real-world stuff they're learning.

Have faith in yourself. Know that you are good enough. Believe in your ability to raise your child right. He or she was given to YOU for a reason. Set a positive example. Yes, guide them and teach them, and above all, know that your relationship is what will make it all stick, not your "discipline." Not the time out chair. Not the taking away of privileges. Your relationship.

Have faith in your child. Know that he is good enough. Believe in his desire and his ability to do right. Know that a single misbehavior, or even a string of them, does not define him. Know that unconditional love has the power to pull any child (and parent) back into the light.

"If you want your children to follow along a certain path, you must lead the way as the ocean leads a river home by remaining below it. If you manipulate, coerce and bully your children, you will have no power at all. If you lead with humility, gentleness, and by example, you will need no power at all." - William Martin

SpankOut Day (April 30) Pins

2012-04-21T11:07:00.000-04:00

Alternatives to Spanking

2012-04-17T12:17:00.000-04:00

In light of all the latest research which has proven over and over and over again that spanking is ineffective at long-term discipline at best and harmful enough to cause brain damage and lower IQs at worst, it is time we move forward socially, adjusting our attitudes and behaviors surrounding corporal punishment.

I am not going to take lots of time citing all the studies and listing reasons why you shouldn't spank. The purpose of this post is to give you alternatives, but here is a concisely written article by Dr. Laura Markham titled Should You Spank Your Child?

So, if you don't spank, what can you do? Here are some disciplining tools that will teach your child while maintaining your relationship.

1. A calm down area. Some key information that you must understand is that, neurobiologically speaking, children are much better able to internalize what you are teaching when their brains are calm and regulated than when they are in a state of stress, which kicks the alarm in their brain and sends them into lower brain functions of flight or fight. It is for this reason that we want our children to calm down before we teach them the lesson we want them to learn. I have created a space in my home which includes a calm down box filled with several tools for my child to assist him in getting out of fight or flight mode and back into reason and understanding.

Inside the calm down box is our calm down jar made with water, glitter glue, food coloring, and glitter. The idea is to shake the jar, and as you watch the glitter twirl around, it brings your attention onto the motion in the jar and instantly the brain begins to calm.

Also inside the calm down box are a few books, a drawing pad and markers/pencils, and a container of rice.

The final result is a soothing place to go, engage the mind, and get regulated.

This is not a punishment. You may go with your child to the calm down area or your child may go alone, whichever she prefers. The point is to get her calm. The lesson comes afterwards.

I know this may seem like a very soft or possibly even almost permissive way to deal with misbehavior when you are used to spanking, but the goal of discipline is to teach our child to do better, and there are many routes to that end. Just because this is a kinder and gentler route doesn't mean it is permissive. Permissive parents fail to set and enforce limits and don't discipline (teach) their children at all.

Here, we are allowing our child the space to calm the mind, and once he is calm, he will better internalize the lesson that is to follow, whereby you teach your child what is acceptable and appropriate and give him alternatives to his behavior. For example, if he hit his sister, then once he is calm, you will restate your limit that hitting is not acceptable and you will give him alternatives to hitting. He has anger and frustration, normal human emotions, he just needs to know what to do with them. Allow him to squeeze a stress ball. Let him rip up paper, clap his hands, or pop a balloon. These sensory activities are often a release for kids.

You haven't let him by with his misbehavior. Rather, you've waited until he can comprehend your lesson, then instead of punishing him for doing wrong, which doesn't show him how to do right, you've stuck to your limit and given him tools he can use so he can avoid hitting the next time, and his dignity is intact, as is yours. Win-win.

“Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse? Think of the last time you felt humiliated or treated unfairly. Did you feel like cooperating or doing better?” ― Jane Nelson

2. Problem-solving. It is tempting to hit kids with arbitrary consequences. "You've just lost your Xbox for 3 days!" "You're grounded!" "Go to your room!" Herein again lies the problem that these methods do not teach your child any how to's for better behavior. Do you know that irritated, empty feeling you get when you've read an article or book that tells you everything you're doing wrong but doesn't leave you with any alternatives? That's exactly how your child feels when you spank him, send him to time out, or give an arbitrary consequence. He now knows what he shouldn't do, but he doesn't know what he can do instead. And if he doesn't know what he can do instead, he is likely, just like you are, to fall back to doing just what it is that got him in trouble in the first place because it's the only thing he knows to do.

Having your child involved in the problem-solving process will not only teach him valuable lessons and instill self-discipline, but it will leave his dignity intact, and he'll feel good about himself and his relationship with you.

Let me give you an example of problem-solving instead of imposing consequences.

Note: Because problem-solving is a cortex (pre-frontal) function, the child probably won't be ready to be involved in the problem-solving process until at least age 4. However, you can certainly let your younger-than-4 children hear you problem-solve. Talk it through with them. "You wanted Emma's doll, so you took it from her, but now Emma is crying. You both want the doll. Hmm. How can we solve this problem? How about you and Emma take turns with the doll?"

Scenario
Your 5 year old son gets upset at Grandma's house and yells "I don't like you!" to her. Grandma tells you about when you pick him up. Instead of telling him he was rude and taking away his TV for 2 days, involve him in making it better.

Ask him what happened at Grandma's. Hear him out. You might say "I understand you got upset. Everyone gets upset sometimes, but we have to be careful with words because they can hurt. Do you think those words hurt Grandma's feelings?" Ask him "How can we make Grandma feel better? Can you think of something?" He may decide to pick her some flowers or make her a card or write her an apology note. If he doesn't come up with anything on his own, offer him a few suggestions like I just listed and let him choose. When he chooses, help him carry out his solution by taking him outside to pick the flowers or giving him supplies to make a card and tell him how much better he will make Grandma feel. Let him surprise her with it! He'll probably be smiling ear-to-ear.

In the above scenario, you have still taught your son the lesson that it isn't acceptable to say rude things to people when you're upset, but rather than him feeling like a loser and leaving it at that, you've empowered him to regain his positive self-concept that he is good and capable, taught him an excellent life lesson in righting wrongs and the value of relationships, and, again, you've not compromised your relationship, which you will come to learn, if you don't already know, is where your influence on your child truly lies.

Obviously every scenario can go a hundred different ways, but the idea is to involve your child in the process. Let your child come up with as much of the solution with as little prompting from you as possible, but do offer coaching if he's young or having a difficult time problem-solving himself. There should be no shaming, blaming, or anger in the problem-solving process. If you're child is upset, or if you are upset, wait until everyone is calm to begin the process.

3. Time-in. For toddlers and preschoolers, time-in is an excellent alternative to time-out. To understand why we don't recommend time outs, read this. A time-in is much the same as the calm down area, just without the sensory tools. During a time-in, you remove your child from the situation, sit her on your lap or in a chair beside you, and stay with her. Empathize with her upset and help her to know she is safe. Wait with her until she is calm and regulated, and then move forward with your teaching.

Dr. Gordon Neufeld says this: "All growth emanates from a place of rest. Children must never work for our love, they must rest in it. We have gone to a practice of parenting that makes them work for the contact and closeness. 'Off to your room! I withdraw the invitation to exist in my presence until you come into line' and we make them work at keeping us close. We might get more compliance, but we get a deeply restless child."

Gordon Neufeld on why kids need rest and how to provide it.

4. Natural and occasionally logical consequences. Life itself is a pretty good teacher. It is fine to allow your child to experience the natural consequences of his actions, but take care here not to "cause" the natural consequence to occur. If your child refuses to do his homework, facing his teacher without it or getting a lower grade is a natural consequence. If your child breaks his toy by being too rough with it, he has a broken toy that gets thrown away. That is the natural consequence. If you child gets home from a friend's house past the time you set and doesn't get any dinner, that is not a natural consequence, that is a punishment. Having to warm up his dinner or make himself a sandwich is the natural consequence. You should also exercise discretion, obviously, in which natural consequences you allow to occur. If your child refuses a coat in the winter, let him go without it, but bring it along for when he realizes that wasn't such a good idea. Making him suffer through the cold might teach him not to leave his coat again, but it isn't very compassionate.

Sometimes, for children who are too young to problem-solve, a logical consequence can be a good teacher. The key to effective consequences to deliver them with empathy and come from a place of teaching, not from making the child pay. For example, if your 2 year old throws a toy at your head, it is perfectly reasonable to take that toy and put it away. However, this isn't done by shaming the child and saying "That's it! I said no throwing toys! I'm taking that away!!" but rather with an "Uh-oh. Throwing is dangerous. That almost hit me. Let's put the toy away until you're ready to play with it without throwing. Would you like to color?" Your tone and body language is not threatening. You want to convey to your child that you are on her side and that you will do what is necessary to keep everyone safe, not that she is naughty for throwing the toy. She's 2, throwing is fun. She can't control her impulses quite yet. That doesn't mean we allow it though. For children over the age of 5 or 6, problem-solving will take the place of any logical consequence you impose.

Alfie Kohn on punishment.

The argument is often made that parents need to spank or smack hands in order to deter their child from a more painful outcome, such as getting hit by a car or getting burned on the stove. But after spanking them for going near the road or smacking his hand so he doesn't touch the stove, would you then leave them alone near the road or the stove, having complete confidence that the swat or slap taught the lesson? Of course you wouldn't. So what is the value in the smack? Believe me, if I thought that smacking my kid was the ONLY way to keep him safe, I'd be doing it. But I've found that a serious tone and repetitive teaching (which you have to do whether you smack or not) is effective.

How tempting it is to slap those daring little hands! Many parents do it without thinking, but consider the consequences. Maria Montessori, one of the earliest opponents of slapping children's hands, believed that children's hands are tools for exploring, an extension of the child's natural curiosity. Slapping them sends a powerful negative message. Sensitive parents we have interviewed all agree that the hands should be off-limits for physical punishment. Research supports this idea. Psychologists studied a group of sixteen fourteen-month-olds playing with their mothers. When one group of toddlers tried to grab a forbidden object, they received a slap on the hand; the other group of toddlers did not receive physical punishment. In follow-up studies of these children seven months later, the punished babies were found to be less skilled at exploring their environment. Better to separate the child from the object or supervise his exploration and leave little hands unhurt. - Dr. William Sears (source)

More reading:
10 Reasons Not to Hit Your Child
The Debate on Spanking is Dead
I Was Spanked and I'm Fine
Plain Talk About Spanking

Some videos to watch:

The false distinction between spanking and hitting.

Long-Term Harmful Effects of Spanking Part 1

Long-Term Harmful Effects of Spanking Part 2

"I was spanked, and I'm okay."

The Great Parenting Show Continues!

2012-04-15T14:13:00.000-04:00

Have you ever wondered how to:
raise kids who listen and are respectful, without ruining their
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5 Ways to Build a Happier Family

2012-04-10T10:24:00.000-04:00

1. Abandon comparisons. Comparing people is never helpful, whether it is comparing your child to her sibling or one child to another child or your spouse to your friend's spouse or yourself to the PTO leader. Even favored comparisons (you're a much better singer than your sister!) are harmful. Each person in your family should know that (s)he is adored for being just who (s)he is. Be mindful of your language and thought patterns throughout the day and take a mental note if you find yourself making comparisons, then try to eliminate it altogether. When everyone knows they are loved wholly for who they are at this moment, they will flourish!

Read:
Enjoying Each Child as an Individual
Valuing Your Spouse: 3 Tremendous Ways to Do So

"See the light in others, and treat them as if that is all you see." - Dr. Wayne Dyer

2. Unplug and tune in. We love our smartphones, iPads, and social networking sites, but it can be easy to tune out your family when you're plugged in all the time. If you want a happier, closer family, commit to some "unplugged time" daily. Put away all the gadgets, shut down the computer, and connect with your spouse and your kids for some time each day with no distractions.

Sherry Turkle, director of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology Initiative on Technology and Self, has been studying how parental use of technology affects children and young adults. After five years and 300 interviews, she has found that feelings of hurt, jealousy and competition are widespread. Her findings will be published in “Alone Together” early next year by Basic Books.

In her studies, Dr. Turkle said, “Over and over, kids raised the same three examples of feeling hurt and not wanting to show it when their mom or dad would be on their devices instead of paying attention to them: at meals, during pickup after either school or an extracurricular activity, and during sports events.”

Read:
The Long-Term Effects of Technology on Family Time
The Risks of Parenting While Plugged In

'Your children are the greatest gift God will give to you, and their souls the heaviest responsibility He will place in your hands. Take time with them, love them close up and teach them to have faith in God. Be a person in whom they can have faith. When you are old, nothing else you've accomplished, invented, authored or inspired will have mattered as much'. ~ Wingate

3. Create family traditions/rituals. Traditions and rituals unique to your family gives everyone the feeling of being part of something special and create a wonderful sense of belonging. Many treasured memories lie in family rituals. Rituals help us identify who we are both as an individual and as a family; they provide something constant, stable, and secure in a confusing world. These traditions and rituals don't have to be complex or expensive, just a little something that says "home."

Read:
The Importance of Family Traditions and How to Create Them
The Importance of Family Rituals

Family traditions counter alienation and confusion. They help us define who we are; they provide something steady, reliable and safe in a confusing world. - Susan Lieberman

4. Home is a safe haven. Home should be a place of comfort and joy for all family members. Naturally the occasional conflict will arise, but if there is constant bickering in your home between children, parents, or parent and child, it's time to put a stop to it. No one can find rest in a place with such negative energy, and it is stressful to be in constant conflict. If the battles are between your children, set clear limits on what is acceptable and what is not. Do not allow bullying, taunting, or name-calling. Each child has a right to feel safe in his/her own home. See the article below, Solutions for Siblings, for more on this.

Your relationship with your spouse is a model for your children. The way you two interact sets the stage for your child's future relationships. Model respectful communication even through disagreements, and your children are more likely to do the same. If you and your spouse are in constant conflict, seek help.

Chronic parental conflict creates a climate of tension, chaos, disruption and unpredictability in the family environment that is meant to be safe and secure and comfortable to grow up in. Children feel anxious, frightened, and helpless. They may worry about their own safety and their parents’ safety even if there has been no actual or threatened violence.

If you are in constant conflict with your child, there are several steps you can take. The first is to reconnect with your child and re-establish the bond that has been lost. Second, clean the lens through which you see your child. What does your child look like? Third, reset the overall tone by remaining respectful when conflicts arise and avoid yelling. If you need to take a time out to manage yourself, there's nothing wrong with doing so. In fact, this teaches your child the valuable skill of learning to handle his own emotions. Work toward problem-solving instead of doling out punishments or consequences.

Read:
Solutions for Siblings
Chronic Parental Conflict: How It Can Be Harmful for Children
Connecting With Your Child
Negotiating Parent-Child Conflicts
It Only Takes 3 Minutes to Stop Yelling at Your Child

My home is the home of peace.My home is the home of joy and delight.My home is the home of laughter and exultation.Whosoever enters through the portalsof this home, must go out witha gladsome heart. This is the home of light; whosoever enters here must become illumined. ~Abdu'l Baha~

5. Family Meetings. It may sound like a corny idea at first, but family meetings are a great way to show appreciation, plan things, and tackle problems. During a family meeting, children know that their opinions matter, and family meetings further solidify their place in the family unit.

Read:
How to Use Family Meetings to Build a Closer Family
Family Meetings

Listen:
Importance of Family Meetings Podcast

"The family meeting is a place where all of our families are defined. It's a place for us to practice being our best as parents and allowing our children to become their best. It's a place for children to practice using their voice in a productive, positive, and respectful way. It's a place to show appreciation for each other on a regular basis." - Vicki Hoefle

The Age of Entitlement: Fact or Fiction?

2012-03-31T21:01:00.000-04:00

Entitlement. One quick Google search on that term will produce a plethora of rants and gripes about "these kids today," claiming they are selfish, self-centered brats who, as one article claims, "say, 'I deserve what I want, when I want it, without earning it, and I’m bitter if I don’t get it'. They believe the world is theirs to manipulate for their own pleasurable purposes." Some sociologists are apparently deeming this the Age of Entitlement.

What a novel idea - that kids today are so much worse than the generations before them. An excerpt from the above link:

When students walk into Greer's classroom wearing T-shirts that say things such as "Here comes trouble," that's exactly what she thinks.She's been teaching for 20 years — from preschool to high school — but every year, the attitudes she encounters just keep getting worse. "Ten years ago, the children were more respectful; more prone to say 'please' and 'thank you,' " Greer says. "It's no longer an expectation that children say these things coming from home — the social development is going backward."

But as Alfie Kohn states here, "spoiled rotten is a timeless complaint."

"...That’s why no generation of teens and young adults has ever been as self-centered as this one. Take it from journalist Peter Wyden, the cover of whose book on the subject depicts a child lounging on a divan eating grapes while Mom fans him and Dad holds an umbrella to protect him from the sun: It’s become “tougher and tougher to say ‘no’ [to children] and make it stick,” he insists.

Or listen to the lament of a parent who blames progressive child development experts for the fact that her kids now seem to believe “they have priority over everything and everybody.”

Or consider a pointed polemic published in The Atlantic. Sure, the author concedes, kids have always been pleasure seekers, but longtime teachers report that what we’re currently witnessing “is different from anything we have ever seen in the young before.” Parents teach “nothing wholeheartedly” and things come so easily to children nowadays that they fail to develop any self-discipline. Forget about traditional values: Today, it’s just a “culte du moi.”

Powerful stuff. Except now that I think about it, those three indictments may not offer the best argument against today’s parents and their offspring. That’s because they were published in 1962, 1944, and 1911, respectively.

The revelation that people were saying almost exactly the same things a century ago ought to make us stop talking in mid-sentence and sit down – hard."

Watch this short YouTube clip of Alfie speaking on this subject, where he proposes:

"The idea that the #1 problem in our society with parenting is that we are too permissive and spoiled brats are running wild is essentially a fiction, a huge exaggeration of reality, in order to rationalize still more of the controlling methods already in abundance. Yes, there are some kids, in some places more than others, who do run wild and make noise in public places, and that's annoying, but for every child like that, there are hundreds of children who are restricted unnecessarily, yelled at, threatened by their parents, essentially bullied... That is the overwhelming reality of American parenting."

I know that was a long introduction, but let me get to my point. This post is directed toward all the adults who complain about the entitlement of children today.

Let's just say for a moment, for the sake of argument, that "all kids today" really are entitled, spoiled, selfish brats. Who is raising them? Permissive parents seem to be to "blame" for this "epidemic." We all remember LZ Granderson's rant on Curbing Spoiled Brats. I don't know about you, but everywhere I look, like Alfie says, I see children being bullied, yelled at, smacked, and overly controlled. I'm sure there are some permissive parents out there, but certainly not enough to cause such an "epidemic of entitlement." So what else could it be? We all know for a fact that parents set the example for their children. Perhaps the reason "that entitled brat" wants the new iPad and the most expensive shoes is just, well, because they're nice, and because their friends have them. By the way, that is the same reason their parents wanted that big new SUV and Coach purse. And, just a random thought here, perhaps if the parents would put down their gadgets and actually play with their children, the children wouldn't have the need for so many toys to occupy them. But the problem, they say, is that these brats want all these things without having to "work for it."

Have you taken any time at all to really think about what it is like to be a kid in today's society? Often raised in daycare (I'm not knocking any parents here, I realize it's necessary for many families just so they can stay afloat in this economy), put into the assembly line that has become public education where they do enormous amounts of work at a much earlier age than we used to do, then bring more work home to do "in their free time" which rarely exists for today's over-scheduled and stressed children. Then, of course, they have to deal with the well-publicized bullying epidemic and the typical societal pressures of adolescence. Believe me, kids are working. Perhaps these adults have forgotten what it is like to be a child, but it isn't all kittens and rainbows. And if they're not "pulling their share in the family" whose fault is that? Theirs? Or the parents? Again, we can't blame the kids here. If you don't teach your child responsibility, you hardly have the right to gripe that he is irresponsible.

To lump ALL kids into this entitled category is more than unfair; it's prejudice. Not surprising considering the fact that children are the only class of people we can still openly ridicule and dislike, so of course all the bitterness gets dumped on the children. And before you go hating on these few entitled children, consider their world for a moment. The Secret Pain of the Entitled Child pretty much nails it in this excerpt:

"...Kids who are entitled almost invariably lack an engaged relationship with their parents...Entitled children, and grown-ups, always suffer from alienation, lack of trust and restless unhappiness. They are forever striving for the next free thing, but never feeling satisfied; it’s like expensive charity events where wealthy celebrities relish the gift bag, as if they actually need more swag. Doesn’t this suggest a poverty of spirit that is forever hungry for more free stuff, but cannot be filled because the vessel of the self is a colander as opposed to a bowl?

In the interest of compassion, I invite us to re-think entitled people, particularly children, as the true emotional “homeless”—as those without a psychological pot to piss in, which may be why they so readily piss others off—they don’t see themselves as fortunate, they see themselves as hurt urchins in Les Misérables. The anger the entitled evoke in us is the anger they feel at being secretly inadequate; if we confront them on their entitlement they get angry because they feel that they really are inadequate, unlovable and unable to do better. This is the great distortion that they carry, and which must heal, before the surly mask can be safely dropped.

While each of us who encounters an entitled child (and sometimes we encounter them in our own homes, in our own kids) may feel like we are putting but a drop in the ocean, much less the bucket, if we work to soften our gaze and see to the vulnerable core of the snarky misanthrope, like water on rock, our love just might wear down their self-hate."

Here's an epidemic that isn't talked about nearly enough, and what I consider the real entitlement epidemic. Self-centered, narcissistic, entitled adults. You know the ones; they're the same ones who rant about today's self-centered, entitled children. I'm talking to you now, entitled adults. Let me get one thing straight. I am NOT a permissive parent. I will absolutely teach my child what manners are and how to use them. I will teach my children what is socially appropriate and why they need to respect others. I will not allow my child to kick the back of your seat on the plane or run around your table at the restaurant, BUT I will also not force my child to robotically "sit down and shut up" just so YOU don't have to be inconvenienced, because let's get real; that's what you really want, isn't it? To not have to be inconvenienced in any way? Because you're an adult, you think you are entitled to not see a woman breastfeeding her child if you don't want to. Because you're an adult, you are entitled to a plane ride or a movie where you don't have to hear a child cry. Because you're an adult, you are entitled to a nice, quiet dinner out where you shouldn't have to put up with the laughter or loudness of someone else's kids. Here's some news for you. My child has just as much right to enjoy his plane ride/movie/meal/shopping trip as you do. Let me say that again loud and clear.

My child has just as much right to enjoy his plane ride/movie/meal/shopping trip as you do.

Do you know why? Because my child is a human being, too.

366 Days of Play: April

2012-03-27T14:34:00.001-04:00

Ready for 30 more days of fun?

1. Spring is here! Do a craft today! Here are lots of spring craft ideas.

2. Fill up water balloons and head outside!

3. Gather some buckets and shovels and head to the sandbox. Don't have one? Just fill a large container with sand and make your own. See this one.

4. Grab the sidewalk chalk and head outdoors for some hopscotch or driveway art!

5. Pack a picnic and enjoy some time at the park.

6. Go fishing!

7. If there are April showers, here are 30 indoor activities!

8. Make a sensory tub for your kid today. Here are tub ideas.

9. Visit a museum or zoo, somewhere you don't ordinarily go.

10. If you celebrate Easter, here are some cute printables.

11. Plant a flower for each child and let them water it and watch it grow.

12. Gather some rocks and paint them. Use them to decorate your garden.

13. Make this cute thumbprint bug craft. Construction paper, paint,
markers, and cotton balls.

14. Go on a bug hunt.

15. Play Angry Birds with water balloons and sidewalk chalk.

16. Get some bathtub paint or make your own with shaving cream and food coloring and let them paint at bath time.

17. Make superhero masks!

18. Rent a DVD and make popcorn. Movie night!!

19. Bake cookies and make bunny faces on them!

20. Play an outdoor game today, like freeze tag or dodge ball.

21. Make oobleck (1-1/2 cups corn starch, 1 cup water, food coloring).

22. Build a fort outside or pitch a tent. Pretend to be camping. Or really go camping!

23. Fly a kite!

24. Cuddle up together and read some books.

25. Draw a picture for your child showing how much you love him/her! Tape it to the bedroom door.

26. Dye Easter eggs. Here are some natural dyes.

27. Make sock puppets and put on a play.

28. Make this cute and easy bunny craft with a paper plate, glue, cotton balls, googly eyes, pipe cleaners, and construction paper.

29. Walk barefoot in the grass and pick flowers to fill a vase.

30. Dress up and take a family photo!

Visit the Center for Effective Discipline to learn more.

Forcing Your Child Onto a Stranger's Lap

2012-03-23T21:50:00.001-04:00

See that sweet and obviously nervous little boy sitting on that big rabbit's lap? That's my son when he was 7 months old.

As I've said before, my views on things have changed quite a bit over the last few years. Looking at this photo today makes me cringe, and I'd never do it now...force my little one to sit on the lap of a stranger just so I could get a "cute" picture.

I wasn't a bad parent. I loved that little boy then with my whole heart, just as I do now. It didn't even cross my mind that I was disrespecting him at the time. I never considered his point of view. To me, and to many other parents, it was just a harmless tradition.

But this paradigm shift to positive parenting goes way beyond discipline. At the heart of this philosophy is the way we view children and their emotions. I look at this picture now through the eyes of empathy, and my heart is saddened. No, he wasn't screaming, but he was very clearly anxious, and I wonder now what was going through his mind. I imagine that bunny looked much more frightening to him than it did to me. He'd never seen a giant furry rabbit before this day. I imagine he was scared as I sat him on this giant rabbit's knee and walked away. I imagine behind those scared eyes, he's thinking "Get me, mama. Please, get me."

Are these pictures with Santa and the Easter Bunny really harmless traditions, or is it just another oversight of the feelings and emotions of children in our culture? We are so accustomed to forcing our will upon them that we don't even stop to consider the fear and anxiety they feel when we place them on a stranger's lap and ask them to smile. And what kind of message does this send about strangers? How confusing it must be to small children when we say "Don't talk to strangers" one day and then plop them on one's lap the next.

My son is 5-1/2 now, and I just asked him what is his initial feeling when he sees the Easter Bunny at the mall. He said, "At first I'm nervous, but then I think he's cute." No wonder nervousness is still his first reaction. I'm no neuroscientist, but I'd say his brain was wired at that moment to associate giant rabbits with anxiety.

Not to be overly dramatic here, I'm not suggesting my son was scarred for life by this incident, but simply that I should have been more in tune with his feelings. I should have respected him and took him away when I saw the fear in his eyes.

I don't have any more photos of him sitting on the Easter Bunny's lap. He screamed at the sight of Santa that year, and I didn't force it. I've learned to afford him the same respect I'd want given to me. Will I look back through albums when he's grown and wish I'd gotten these traditional pictures taken every year? Absolutely not. I'll look at this one picture and remember how far I've come.

What do you think? Do you make your children sit on Santa's lap or the Easter Bunny's?

Six Positive Strategies To Reduce and Avoid Whining. - Guest post by Ariadne, a.k.a. mudpiemama

2012-03-20T10:40:00.000-04:00

Does hearing your child whine annoy you or stress you out? Is it the pitch or the intensity or the timing of the whine that just makes you want to have a magic switch to turn it off? Rest assured, you are not alone in these feelings. With a two year old, a four year old and soon to be six year old in the house, the potential for whining around here is pretty high. Working with positive alternatives to punishment and time-outs, we have found six gentle and positive strategies to help reduce and even avoid whining.

1. Understanding: We watched a movie as a family over the weekend and my four year old kept whining and asking us to turn the movie off. Realizing he was probably scared because some very cute animals were in distress, I offered to move seats so he could be closer to me. The whining ceased and we finished the movie with no more interruptions. If a child is whining when trying something new, it could mean he is feeling scared or anxious. If the whine is coming close to nap or bed time, it’s likely just tiredness. If a child is routinely whining over the same tasks, she could be feeling powerless or overwhelmed. Children also whine as a means to get their needs met, in other words, when they need help or attention and are having a hard time expressing themselves. Knowing the reason a child is whining can help choose the best strategy to deal and move forward.

2. Focus beyond the whine: Instead of focusing on the feeling I get when I hear the whining, for example getting annoyed or angry, I try to focus on my child and the task at hand. I often find myself taking a few deep breaths and then imagine the whining disappearing so I can just tune in only what needs to get done. It can be really difficult at first and might not always work, but being conscious of how I feel when the whining is going on also helps me better curb my reactions and makes me less likely to over-react.

3. Be firm and kind: Recently my five year old wanted a magazine from the newsstand because it had a cool toy attached to it. “Can I have that magazine?” he asked. “Do you remember what we decided about those?” I asked back. “They are bad quality, break and then I get mad.” He replied. “But pleeeeeease, mom, please, really, I want that one.” He continued. “C’mom, mom, you are being stupid, please just let me have it, c’mon, pleease.” I was determined to stick to our agreement so I asked “What was our deal again? “Crap quality, I know, I know, nevermind.” He replied. Looking my son in the eye and with a gentle voice I added “I know that toy looks really cool. Maybe we can find a better quality one and you can add it to your wish list for your birthday.” My son wasn’t thrilled but the whining was over and we went on to finish our shopping trip. The more I stick to the limits we have previously set, the easier it is for both of us to have these conversations and get over the whining. Bonus: On the drive back home from the back seat of the car came a very sweet and unprompted “sorry I said you were being stupid mom, the toy looked cool.” To which I answered “I appreciate the apology, and I know you really wanted it. Let’s investigate at the toy store sometime about a better quality one, ok?”

4. Find a solution: When whining is happening at the same time every day or over the same issue, examining the situation and finding a solution can be very helpful. My daughter used to drop the soap in the sink when washing her hands. Sometimes, unable to get the soap back out of the sink, she would start a high pitch non-verbal whine. After noticing that this problem was not going to get any easier because it was just too frustrating for a 20 month old to understand the soap was very slippery, we got her a child friendly soap pump that she can operate on her own now and the whining is gone.

5. Adjust expectations: Tommy at age 4 was dawdling around in the morning, taking a long time to get dressed. There was always an issue, said his mother, the shirt was wrinkly, the pants were too hard to button, the socks were not fitting over his feet. The morning whine went on and on and spilled over to the breakfast table where the milk was too heavy to pour out alone, the toast too hot and so on… Tommy had a new sibling and mom, who was very busy with a newborn, forgot that Tommy at age 4 still might need help and encouragement with certain tasks. Tommy’s mother and I brainstormed possibilities and agreed that maybe expectations needed to be adjusted. Tommy’s mother started helping Tommy pick out an outfit the evening before and place it in the baby’s room so Tommy could dress close to mom and baby and get help right away with those tricky buttons or socks, eliminating the need to sit and whine while hoping for some attention from mom. The family also made sure to go back to having special time every day with Tommy when baby was napping. The extra time and closeness to mom in the morning routine helped Tommy feel more connected and less likely to whine when he needed help or was feeling pushed aside.

6. Laugh a little: Using humor with preschoolers can be a very effective way to reconnect. When my middle child was 3 years old, at the end of the day, getting into pajamas seemed like the most difficult task in the universe. Sitting on the floor he would hold his jammie pants, pout and start a quiet whine “this is too complitated for me” that would grow louder and louder. One evening I made a puppet using his pajamas and said with a silly voice “c’mon, c’mon, Nicolas, you know you want to get these jammies on!” The giant smile at this silly puppet and voice was priceless. Next he asked “Can you say that about my jammie shirt?” So I did, and for a few days, he would ask for a quick jammie puppet, which he then started doing all by himself and the whining stopped.

What are some positive ways you have found to help your child move beyond whining?

****************************************************************************

Bio: Ariadne, a.k.a mudpiemama, lives with her three children, husband and two boxers in Switzerland. She is a Certified Positive Discipline Parenting Educator and writer at Authentic Parenting and Positive Parenting Connection. Ariadne is passionate about all things parenting and chocolate. Like what you are reading? Find more on Facebook www.facebook.com/positiveparentingconnection and on the web: www.positiveparentingconnection.net

Building a Positive Self-Concept

2012-03-19T10:15:00.001-04:00

Self-concept can be defined as the view one has of herself and her abilities. A child’s self-concept begins to develop at birth. It begins with how adults respond to her. Parents and caregivers create a positive emotional bond with an infant through warm and caring interactions with a lot of eye contact
and touch. This positive emotional bond with parents and caregivers promotes a child’s healthy self-concept. It is the basis of a relationship in which the child feels the parents’ and caregivers’ love, acceptance, and respect.

As the child grows, her ability to interact successfully with her environment promotes a healthy self-concept. This is critically important in early childhood. The development of a positive self-concept at an early age empowers the child to feel competent, try new things, and strive for success. As parents, we have the opportunity (and responsibility) to help build a positive self-concept in our children.

So, how can you tell if your child has a positive or negative self-concept? Children with a positive self-concept have a "can do" attitude. They believe in their ability to complete tasks without help, or with minimal help. They do not exhibit problematic behaviors as doing so would be against their positive self-concept.

Children with a negative self-concept have a "can't do" attitude. They become frustrated easily and give up on difficult tasks. These children may exhibit behavior problems if "naughty" or "bad" is a part of their self concept.

What can parents do to help their children develop a positive self-concept?

1. Be mindful of the language you use to describe your children. Do not label them with words such as 'lazy', 'naughty', 'aggressive', or 'stupid.' Instead, look for and point out your child's strengths.

2. Provide them with opportunities for success. Give your child age-appropriate tasks she can complete on her own. Having done so will give her a sense of pride and help build a "can do" mentality and positive self-concept.

3. Show your children that you have faith in their goodness and in their abilities. This is a matter of language choice. For example, if your toddler, out of frustration, hits another child, you might say, "You naughty girl! How can you be so mean! I can't believe you hit him! You're in big trouble!" Or, you could say, "You got frustrated and hit him. It's not ok to hit. I know you didn't mean to hurt him. How can you express your frustration in different ways? Would you like a stress ball to squeeze?" Which do you think leads to a positive self-concept?

Alternatively,let's use the example that your child is working on a puzzle and is having trouble getting it to fit together properly. If you see frustration building, you might say, "Looks like you can't do that puzzle. Why don't you forget about that one and try something easier?" Or you can offer encouragement and help. "You've gotten several pieces in the right place. If you keep working on it, I'm sure you'll get it. Would you like me to help you with a couple pieces?" The second leads to success while the first leads to failure.

4. Give her the opportunity to explore her environment, ask questions without feeling like a nuisance, and engage in make-believe play activities.

Failure is also a learning tool for children, and we don't want to shield them from all failures. In fact, children with positive self-concepts who experience failure can accept mistakes or weaknesses because they know they are overall competent.

COMPETENCE = CONFIDENCE
Parents sometimes think they must point out mistakes and often correct the child in order to make her competent. This is dangerously false. Constant criticism erodes self-confidence as you're always pointing out their failures and weaknesses. When you emphasize what your children do right, however, children will feel good about themselves and continue to strive to meet that positive self-concept.

Giving your child opportunities to do things for himself will help him to develop that 'can-do' attitude. Allowing him to dress himself (no matter how mismatched or odd his choices are), putting things within his reach, such as his plates and utensils in a low drawer, handy snack packs on a low shelf in the refrigerator, clothes hanging on a low rack so that he may choose for himself, and step stools so he may reach the sink himself, will all help aid in making him fee competent, and therefore, confident.

Allowing him the freedom to try and climb the tree or ride the bike without training wheels will also help him discover his abilities. Hovering parents inhibit competence in young children. Have faith in their abilities while remaining close by to offer assistance if they ask.

THE EFFECTS OF BEHAVIOR:
Misbehavior is the usual outcome of discouragement and a poor self-concept.

It is so much more satisfying to behave properly that most children would if they had confidence in their ability to succeed.

Encouragement is not the same as praise. Encouragement recognizes his capabilities and expresses faith in your child as he is. Use words that encourage, not discourage your children.

Words that Encourage:
You can do it!
I have faith in you.
You're doing well.
I see you put a lot of effort into that.

Words that Discourage:
Be careful. You usually color outside the lines.
That's probably too hard for you.
You can do better that that!
Most of the room is clean, but you left your socks out.

Be careful with your parental power. While it is important to establish and enforce limits, when parents try to dominate their children, it strips them of self-respect and erodes their self-esteem. When self-respect is lost (or not developed), the potential for violence and deviant behavior is fostered. Children who
feel powerless often behave destructively towards themselves and/or others. This acting out is an undesirable attempt at gaining some control over their environment. As a parent, use your power wisely while demonstrating respect and appreciation for your child's growing need for self-determination and a strong self-concept.

A healthy self-concept is the foundation for the positive development and over-all well-being of a child. When a child has a healthy self-concept, he sees himself as being loved, loving, and valuable. A child with a healthy self-concept is also better able to reach his full potential. He does better in school. He is better able to set goals for himself and make decisions. He is more willing to learn new things and try new activities. With a healthy self-concept, a child has better relationships with family members and friends. He can control his behavior and get along with others.

REFERENCES:
http://dentoncounty.com/dept/famconsciences/pdffiles/promote.pdf
http://www.highreach.com/highreach_cms/LinkClick.aspx?fileticket=eEoXBIdCNXk%3D&tabid=106
http://leon.ifas.ufl.edu/FYCS/Families%20and%20Children/self%20concept.pdf

Positive Parenting in Action eBook Preview

2012-03-18T13:12:00.000-04:00

Here is a sneak peek at our new eBook, Positive Parenting in Action: The how-to guide for putting positive parenting principles into practice in early childhood. There are 42 scenarios in this book; here are 2 samples.

The following an excerpt from the section "Sibling Rivalry."

Scenario #2:
Michael (6) and Nelly (5) are picking on each other. From the kitchen, you hear Katie call
Michael a “stupid face” and Michael retaliates with a “smelly Nelly.”

Behind the behavior: Jealousy? Aggravation? It just depends on what incited the
argument, and you’ll have to do some investigating to find out what it was.

ACTION: “I hear name-calling. That is against our family rules. What is going on?” You’ve
restated your limit of no name-calling. Now to find out what is happening. Katie:
“Michael knocked over my block tower! He’s so stupid!” You: “You’re angry that he
knocked over your blocks, but name calling isn’t allowed.” Michael: "I didn’t mean to
knock it over! It was an accident!” You: “Okay, so you accidentally knocked over your
sister’s block tower. She got upset and called you a name. That hurt your feelings, so you
called her a name. What could have been done differently?” If they don’t come up with
ideas, offer that Michael could have made it clear that it was an accident and offered to
help build it back and that Nelly could have stated she was disappointed about her tower
without the name-calling. Reiterate to both them that name-calling is disrespectful and
against family rules. If they do not come to peace, you may need to tell them to separate
for the time being and follow through with making sure they are separated or, if the
name-calling continues, a time-in (staying with your child and helping him to calm down
rather than forcing isolation) in the calm down corner may be appropriate to enforce your
limit.

Each child should feel safe and comfortable in his or her own home. Allowing one child to be
constantly bullied or taunted by the other one isn't fair to that child. Set appropriate
boundaries that respect each individual in the home and that create an atmosphere of
acceptance and love, not rivalry and conflict. When conflicts arise, be the empathetic
mediator and help them to learn to problem-solve on their own. This may take some
time, but it is a worthwhile investment for your sanity and peace.

Even if you have very young children, such as a 2 year old and a 10 month old,
and verbal skills are very limited, you can still talk through this process while you mediate the
dispute.

*********************************************************************
GET IT NOW!
*********************************************************************
Here is an excerpt from the section "Mealtimes."

Scenario #4:
Your 6 year old son almost always protests whatever you have made for dinner and asks
for something else.

Behind the behavior: Autonomy. Even at 6, your son’s world is pretty small. Meals can be
a big part of it to him and if he has no say, it may leave him feeling a little out of control.

ACTION: I have heard many parents state they aren’t short order cooks (and this is
certainly true) and some experts advise to make them eat what you have fixed or go
hungry. It is my opinion that, while we aren’t short order cooks, it is our job to meet the
needs of our children, and allowing them to go hungry is not meeting their need for
nutritious meals. There are a couple of options. The first option is to let your child help
you plan the menu. This way, you know there is something on there that he will enjoy.
The second option is to teach young children how to make themselves basic small meals,
such as a sandwich. Tell him he is free to make himself a sandwich if he doesn’t like what
is on the table. A third option which is good for young children is to have an accessible
snack bin in your refrigerator or a bowl on the counter filled with pre-bagged items, such
as apples, yogurt, graham crackers, bananas, cheese and crackers, etc. This way, you
don’t have to fix a separate meal, but they have nutritious options at their fingertips.

SUMMARY:
Forcing children to eat when they’re not hungry or eat foods they hate may predispose
them to eating disorders later. Allowing young children to go hungry is ignoring their
need for food. However, that doesn’t mean we have to give into their demand for pizza
every night. In fact, giving in to constant demands for unhealthy foods also puts them at
risk for obesity and health issues. It is our responsibility to offer a variety of nutritious
foods and to ensure that they eat enough food for health and growth. Stocking your
refrigerator with nutritious options and having courtesy to put at least one thing on your
menu you know your child likes will cut down on most food power struggles.
*******************************************************************
BUY IT HERE!

NOTE: There is a 24-hour download window. If, for some reason, you cannot download it within these 24 hours, email me at admin@positive-parents.org.

Positive Guidance eCourse!

2012-03-16T19:44:00.002-04:00

One of my favorite bloggers, Amanda Morgan at Not Just Cute, is going to be hosting an eCourse, Parenting with Positive Guidance: Tools for Building Discipline from the Inside Out.

Click here to view more details

Positive Parenting in Action eBook NOW AVAILABLE!

2012-03-15T06:00:00.000-04:00

Are you tired of books that tell you what you should or shouldn't do but don't give you any alternatives?

We were, too! So we've written an eBook specifically to show you what positive parenting looks like in action! In this 69 page PDF eBook, we cover 15 behavior areas and walk you through 42 different scenarios! This book covers ages 0-6.

BUY IT NOW!

CONTENTS:
PART ONE – POSITIVE PARENTING IN THEORY
INTRODUCTION
NON-PUNITIVE PARENTING PARADIGM SHIFT
POSITIVE PARENTING PRINCIPLES
THE DEVELOPING SELF-CONCEPT
BUILDING ATTACHMENT IN INFANCY
PART TWO – POSITIVE PARENTING IN ACTION
EXPLORATION/DANGER
HITTING/AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR
TANTRUMS
NOT LISTENTING/COOPERATING
WHINING
INTERRUPTING
BACK TALK
LYING
CHORES/RESPONSIBILITIES
SIBLING RIVALRY
PEER INFLUENCE
MEALTIMES
POTTY LEARNING
NIGHT TIMES
OUT AND ABOUT
CONCLUSION

Get your copy here!

Here is what Dr. Laura Markham of Ahaparenting.com has to say about this ebook:

"This new ebook educates parents with real life scenarios, showing simply and accessibly how to put positive parenting into action in daily life. The user-friendly format takes daily scenarios that stump even seasoned parents, tells us what's going on in the child to cause the behavior, and recommen...ds specific parenting interventions to get the child back on track. Divided into sections like Nighttime, Potty Learning, Hitting and Whining, it addresses all the usual challenges of life with young children. Parents learn how to handle those supermarket meltdowns, the restaurant trip that makes you cringe, and even the inevitable sibling squabbles."

Read this review by Dulce de Leche

Also available in the Amazon Kindle Store! Click here to get the Kindle version!

NOTE: There is a 24-hour download window. If, for some reason, you cannot download it within these 24 hours, email me at admin@positive-parents.org.

Don't Miss the Great Parenting Show!

2012-03-11T10:32:00.000-04:00

Click here!

Have you ever wondered:

How to discipline your children without ruining their
self-esteem?
How to deal with your picky eaters?
How to protect your child from being bullied at school or online?
How to overcome your own parenting issues so as not to raise
children with hang-ups?
How to raise your children financially aware?

Get your questions answered about these and so much more
on the Great Parenting Show starting this Tuesday,
March 13th.

There will be 24+ experts sharing their best strategies,
tactics and process and best of all the information is
FREE.

Sign up here to register!

Included in the series, you will hear from
experts and authors like:

Shelly Lefkoe
Shelly is the founder and Vice President of the Lefkoe Institute, and the founder and President of the Possibilities of Parenting Center.

Dr. Jane Nelsen

Dr. Jane Nelsen is a licensed Marriage, Family and Child Counselor in South Jordan, UT and San Clemente, CA and is the prolific author of Positive Discipline and many other popular parenting books. She has co-developed Positive Discipline workshops that focus on the needs of pre-schoolers, teenagers, single parents, parenting in recovery and criminal justice.

Sigrid Kjeldsen

Sigrid Kjeldsen is a Stress Coach for the modern mom. She owns and operates the site “The Joyful Mother” which offers inspiration, one-on-one coaching and online courses. Sigrid teaches women the fundamentals of how to have real power over their lives and cultivate a happy outer world that reflects a happy and balanced inner world! By taking responsibility of their own happiness, Sigrid believes moms can make this their most important parenting tool.

Amy McCready

Parenting expert Amy McCready has been creating and delivering training programs for over 20 years in Fortune 500 companies and community organizations. Amy founded Positive Parenting Solutions, Inc. in 2004 and developed the popular and successful Breakthrough Course that has changed the lives of thousands of parents through in-person seminars, speeches and online parenting training webinars.

and over a dozen others - over 24 leading international
authors, teachers, educators and leaders in
the parenting world.

Sign up here to register

You can even get YOUR questions answered on the call!

P. S. By the way, if you can't make the LIVE CALLS Every
Tuesday & Thursday, don’t worry ... they've got you covered!
The interviews will be recorded and will be available after
each show for a limited time so you won't miss a thing.

Make sure you sign up now to get these replay recordings.

Advertising Special Through 04/01/2012

2012-03-08T08:50:00.001-05:00

Would you like to reach thousands of positive parents?

Positive-parents.org is now offering graphic advertising on our main page.

~~The price is $10 monthly for a 125 x 125 ad.~~

Through 04/01/2012, get a 125 x 125 ad space on our main page for ONE YEAR for $60! That's a savings of 50%! Limited spaces available!

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Teaching Your Child To Be Tolerant - Guest Post by Brenda Lyttle

2012-03-07T06:00:00.000-05:00

This is a guest post by Brenda Lyttle.

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Don’t you want your child to be successful and be able to work successfully with others? If yes then it is important that you teach them American values that involve respecting other religions, beliefs and culture. In short, teach them tolerance.

Being Tolerant of Different Cultures

With an increasing number of people from all over the world migrating to America, American children are much more exposed to different ethnicities and cultures. They have friends from all over the world but are they tolerant of others? Teach your child to value the American belief of freedom. It was the basis on which foundations of American society was laid. Teaching them tolerance is not only to keep up the American traditions but to also help prepare them live in a multi-cultural world tomorrow.

What Is Tolerance?

If you ask your child to be tolerant, the first question that he will ask is what it is! It is the positive attitude that makes you respect other cultures and religions. In fact, tolerance is more than culture and religion. It is also about respecting people of the opposite gender, with physical disabilities and those with lower mental capabilities. It is understanding that the other person is an individual in his own right and you must respect him. However, it does not mean that you must tolerate wrong behaviour. Fight for what is right.

Teaching Tolerance

Tolerance is not taught in classes or by opening textbooks. You have to be a role model for the child so that he learns it. Your child’s attitudes will mirror yours. Therefore, if you are unable to respect other cultures or people, your child will be intolerant too. It has been seen that the children of people with friends from other communities are much more tolerant than others. Change your attitude and be tolerant before you expect your child to be. Be careful of the way you speak. Your child may want to know about differences in religions and cultures. Try to answer them honestly. Celebrate different holidays and festivals together even if they do not belong to your tradition.

Talking about values will help children be tolerant. They will learn to appreciate other cultures and will treat other people well. Remember, tolerance begins at home.

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Brenda Lyttle is a parenting expert and a freelance writer. She is fond of finding out fun ways for her kids to get along. Recently, she bought fun theater wigs for her kids and they loved it. Next, she’s planning to order Ninja Turtle Party Supplies soon.

Rethinking the Sticker Chart - Guest Post by Kelly Bartlett

2012-03-02T06:00:00.000-05:00

Many parents use sticker charts in the name of positive discipline. Sticker charts are a popular form of non-punitive discipline, and they do work…to a point. They do allow parents to teach children behaviors like doing chores or exemplifying kindness to others without yelling, spanking, or threatening punishments. But using sticker charts as a way to encourage children to achieve behavioral goals sends a surprising hidden message to kids about behavior.

The appeal of sticker charts is understandable; they provide a quick way to give kids an incentive to work and are seemingly “positive”. It’s easy to say, “When you do [certain tasks] you’ll get a sticker. Remember you’re working towards [a bigger prize], so get those stickers on there.”

While rewards are appealing to children, and they do motivate kids to behave in certain ways, that motivation is not actually aimed at the behavioral goal. External rewards like stickers take away from a child’s internal sense of what’s right. Children aren’t behaving in certain ways because it’s the right thing to do, but instead because they want to earn more stickers. Alfie Kohn, author of Punished by Rewards states, “The more we want our children to want to do something, the more counterproductive it will be to reward them for doing it.”

The intent parents have in using sticker charts is for children to learn challenging behaviors (for example, learning to use the potty or being responsible for household chores). It’s common to think, “We’re teaching our kids to work towards these goals,” when using a sticker chart really says, “We’re teaching our kids to work towards these rewards.” There is a difference between helping kids work toward overcoming challenges and teaching them to work towards a reward for overcoming those challenges. A sticker chart, despite its positive intentions, actually functions against what parents are aiming for.

It’s true that children will grow up to be adults working in a world in which they’ll be rewarded for their work in the form of a paycheck. But isn’t it nice when people know how—and want to—work hard whether or not they get (or despite the size of) a paycheck? This is what parents can teach kids at a young age; to develop their sense of internal motivation to do what’s right simply because it’s right.

Sticker charts also make it easy for kids to opt out of their challenges; to say, “Nah. That’s OK if I don’t get a sticker today.” When, really, appropriate behavior is not an option. It’s an expectation.

What happens when kids don’t care about the stickers anymore? What happens if the reward becomes meaningless? Well, parents could adjust the system so it’s more enticing; require fewer stickers, or make the reward bigger and better. But then they’re exerting their energy into the sticker chart system, not on actually teaching their kids about how to be successful. In teaching children, parents should be aiming for a deeper sense of self than earning stickers. Helping kids face challenging moments are opportunities for parents and children to connect, communicate, and to relate to each other on an emotional level; with a sticker chart, those are missed opportunities.

It’s the relationship and interactions between parents and children that are the real key to guiding kids to achieve their goals. Using a chart takes away from a child’s sense of pride in their accomplishments. Instead of saying, “I did it, I am capable,” kids are saying, “I did it, I got a sticker,” and they are focused on the sticker, the next sticker, and the reward. In other words, not their personal accomplishment.

So, what does replace a sticker chart for teaching kids behavior? It depends on the goals that are on the chart. Some parents use them for chores, and they include things like “make your bed,” “clean your room,” “feed the dog,” “put your clothes away,” etc. For those types of tasks, Jane Nelsen, author of Positive Discipline, offers a few parenting tools that work more effectively than stickers for teaching long-term habits:

• Make the task fun; turn it into a game.

• Teamwork; do it together to model cooperation and keep each other company.

• Limited choices; break the task down and offer limited choices so kids are not overwhelmed.

• Offer empathy; let kids know their feelings are valid and important.

• Show faith; remind children of their capabilities, “I know you can do this.”

• Get input; ask child what would help to get the job done.

• Take enough time to properly teach; model, demonstrate, teach, re-teach, and check for understanding.

Not all of those tools are applicable to every task, and some tasks go more smoothly with a combination of a few of the tools at once. But all of them help kids work towards a bigger goal than working for a reward. They invite positive interaction between parent & child, and they celebrate a child’s effort and sense of confidence. That is the motivation for continuing to do their chores; children feel capable, respected, and valued.

Other types of goals parents may include with the use of stickers charts are behavioral ones such as “demonstrate confidence,” “show selflessness,” “try new foods,” or “play by yourself.” They are challenging behaviors with which parents may see their children struggle and want to encourage kids to overcome. Instead of offering stickers, parents can notice when the behaviors do happen and encourage them to happen again with these kinds of Positive Discipline tools:

• Acknowledge without evaluating; search out those moments when a child accomplished something challenging and recognize that achievement by acknowledging the effort. Instead of saying, “Good job,” it’s more like celebrating: “Wow, you did it!”

• Communicate; ask curiosity questions to draw out their experience. “I noticed you asked that boy who was alone if he wanted to play…How was that?” “How did you feel?” “What was hard about it?” “What did you like?” “How do you feel now?” In other words, help kids process their experience by asking them about it rather than telling them, “Good job for doing that and here’s your sticker.”

• Offer encouragement versus praise; help kids internalize the value of their accomplishment by saying encouraging things like: You worked hard! You must be proud of yourself. I trust your judgment. You figured it out for yourself! You can decide what is best for you. I have faith in you to learn from mistakes. I love you no matter what.

What about kids who really like stickers and just think they’re a lot of fun? Certified Positive Discipline Trainer Glenda Montgomery says that for these children, parents may want to, indeed, use a sticker chart but implement it differently. “Instead of a parent presenting a child with a sticker after a task is accomplished, the chart can be totally child-led.” That is, leave it completely up to the child to decide if and when a sticker should be added, and let the child just enjoy the chart for the fun of the stickers. This way, and especially in the absence of any larger prizes, children are internally processing the value of their actions and developing their own sense of pride.

Many parents use sticker charts because they don’t know what else to do. For those who don’t want to use punitive discipline like yelling, threatening or using time-outs, stickers seem like a straightforward, effective, “positive” discipline tool. But they undermine a parent’s intention to teach children authentic motivation, and they take away from a child’s ability to develop a sense of self-efficacy. While the positive discipline tools are definitely more time-consuming to implement, they’re infinitely more valuable. They work to teach kids the life-long skills that parents value and help families develop connected relationships in the process. They convey the message that parents originally intend; that we work to overcome challenges not to get stickers and a reward, but because doing so helps us grow, strengthen, and become highly self-confident.

Kelly Bartlett is the author of Parenting From Scratch. She is a Certified Positive Discipline Educator, an API leader, and an associate editor of The Attached Family magazine. Her freelance articles have appeared in parenting publications nationwide. She lives in Portland, Oregon with her husband, children, and way too many pets.

Recipes for Homemade Fun

2012-02-28T09:05:00.003-05:00

Click the button to get the download for the printable PDF file.

Recipes

Salt Dough Ornaments: ½ cup salt, 1 cup flour, ½ cup water. Bake at 250 degrees for 2 hours or until thoroughly dried. Decorate with acrylic paints.

Cinnamon Dough Ornaments: 2 cups cinnamon, 1-1/2 cups applesauce. Mix cinnamon with 1 cup applesauce. Continue adding applesauce a little at a time until the dough reaches a firm consistency. Place dough on wax paper. Place a wood strip on each side far enough apart so the ends of your rolling pin can rest on them. Cover the dough with another piece of wax paper and roll to 1/4 “ thick. Remove the top wax paper. Cut out shapes with cookie cutters. For hangers, use a straw to make a small hole at the top of each ornament. Transfer to a flat area where they can dry away from direct heat. Turn them often; it will take about 5 days for them to dry completely. After drying, use emery board to smooth the outer edges.

Cloud Dough: 8 cups of flour, 1 cup of baby oil or canola oil.

Homemade Play Dough: ½ cup salt, ½ cup water, 1 cup flour, food dye.

Homemade Bubbles: 3 cups of water, ½ cup light corn syrup, 1 cup dish soap (transparent/clear soap works best). Mix water and corn syrup until blended. Slowly stir in soap. This will last several weeks in an air-tight container.

Homemade Moon Sand: 6 cups play sand, 3 cups corn starch, 1-1/2 cups water, food coloring if desired.

Flour Paint: Flour, liquid paint, water. Combine equal parts of flour and paint. Add drops of water until it achieves desired consistency.

Sculpting Foam: 1 cup shaving cream (non-menthol), ½ cup of white glue, paint, glitter.

Oobleck: 1-1/2 cup cornstarch, 1 cup water, food coloring.

Sparkle Paint: 3 cups flour, 3 cups salt, 3 cups water, food coloring.

Flubber: 5 tbs of liquid starch, 2 cups of glue, 1-1/2 cups of water to mix with the glue, additional 1 cup of hot water to mix with the liquid starch, food coloring. Mix 2 cups of glue and 1-1/2 cups of water in a big bowl. Add color if desired and stir. In the extra cup of hot water, dissolve 5 tbs of liquid starch. Stir well. After it is dissolved, pour the liquid starch mixture slowly into the glue and warm mixture. Mix with your hands or sturdy wooden spoon.

Papier-Mache: 2 cups cold water, 1-1/2 to 1-3/4 cups of flour, newspaper cut or torn into strips. Mix water and flour in a large bowl with a wire whisk until smooth. Mixture should be the consistency of heavy cream. Coat your mold (such as an inflated balloon) with one layer of the newspaper strips that have been dipped in water. Then dip strips into flour mixture and lay over the first layer until the mold is well coated. Allow to dry completely until your mold is hard. If desired, add another layer of newspaper strips that have been dipped in the flour mixture and allow to dry. Paint over the strips in any design or color of your choice.

Scratch and Sniff Watercolors: 1 tbs unsweetened powdered drink mix, 1 tbs warm water.

Crafty Clay (good for beads and small figurines): 1 cup cornstarch and baking soda in a small sauce pan. Add water and stir until mixture is smooth. Heat mixture for 5 minutes over medium heat. Stir until it begins to thicken and turn to dough. Remove from saucepan and allow it to cool. Knead dough 2-3 minutes. Let finished creation air-dry until hard.

Clay Dough: 1 cup of cornstarch, 2 cups of baking soda, 1-1/2 cups of water, food coloring of choice. Mix cornstarch, baking soda, water, and food coloring in a saucepan over the medium heat. Knead until it has a dough-like consistency

Child-proofing the Bedroom - Guest Post by Robert Lobitz

2012-02-27T23:28:00.000-05:00

Our homes can be filled with dangers and dangerous items that we need to protect our children from. Many of them are not even obvious to us, as parents, but they are definitely there. Here are some of the most overlooked dangers that can be found in a child’s room. In no way do I want to say that kids bunk beds are unsafe, but there are special considerations that must be made. The first consideration is the age of the child. You would not put your baby in a car seat that is designed for a toddler, so why would you let your child sleep in a bed that they are not ready for? You have probably noticed the removable fences that most sets of kids bunk beds come with. These are there for that transitional period or for kids that are particularly active while they sleep. I’ve fallen off the top bunk before and come out fairly unscathed. It may still be a good idea to arrange padded mats below the bed so that any unintended tumbles are without consequence. If I could, I would pad everything from the kids bunk beds to the floors and walls. I’m not paranoid. I just know that my kids are going to be the same kind of energetic kids that I was. Mostly, I want to protect my drywall.

Light bulbs are a surprising danger for curious children and those kids that have a tendency to break things. I know that I was both and I have burned myself on incandescent bulbs more times than I would like to admit. If you can, switch normal bulbs out for CFL bulbs because they don’t get as hot. If you want to be really safe then remove the glass all together and use LED lights as they use no glass or mercury gas that is found in CFL bulbs. Never use halogen bulbs. They get horribly hot.

Outlets and power cords are the last consideration. Power cords are easy to trip over and then the light comes down with a lot of force. Try to hide cords behind pieces of large furniture or under carpets, if possible. You should get outlet covers for unused outlets as well. You may want to consider childproof covers if your child is young enough.