5 Tools for Transforming Stressed out Parents Webinar

How are you? I am checking in to tell you about a great webinar just for us parents. Next Wednesday April 24 at 10am you can join Marcy Axness. You will feel heard, uplifted, supported and understood. Please click on the link below to register right now!

5 Tools for Transforming Stressed-Out into Sane & Centered: A FREE Parenting for Peace webinar with Dr. Marcy Axness

Don’t be left out.

Talk soon!

Mama Juju

About the author: By Julie Hellstrom

Julie is an awesome parent (along with her husband Matt) to five adopted kiddos and the owner of the Positive Parenting Skills website.

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In a parenting class years ago, I was taught to make my praise specific. Do not say – “you are beautiful” for example. Proof is now starting to surface supporting my hunch. If the praise is general or innate, they feel powerless. It is a weird cycle, but I get it. I just never applied it to their smarts.

Seems I am not alone in this either, 85% of parents practice the art of letting their kiddos know they are smart. Repeatedly!!

Read this article and see what you think – as for us here, new verbiage is being added to our parenting hopper!

About the author: By Julie Hellstrom

Julie is an awesome parent (along with her husband Matt) to five adopted kiddos and the owner of the Positive Parenting Skills website.

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Sadly, we are on 24-7 with these kiddos and our effectiveness loses its steam after a while. It is vital to not let our parenting deteriorate to the point of no return. Knowing when to ask for help, whether in our house or theirs, actually can improve our ability to help these lovely ones heal.

There are 2 kinds of respite care – short term and long term. Here is a great article describing just what respite care means.

Respite care is the short-term care of a very dependent or difficult child which enables the parents - birth, foster or adoptive – to take a break. Some children’s needs require round-the-clock intensive care and parents can soon become burned out. Respite fostering is often very rewarding, and a close relationship can grow up between families over the years.

It has been known for respite carers to eventually be asked by afamily to adopt their child. Some respite carers will have had special training to care for the needs of very handicapped or challenging children. This kind of foster care can be very suitable for people who need to know that aplacement will be very short (but repeated at more or less regular intervals), because respite care will almost never be longer than a couple of weeks, and is very often measured in hours or days. Respite care is often a critical component of family preservation efforts. Read the rest of the story – click here.

About the author: By Julie Hellstrom

Julie is an awesome parent (along with her husband Matt) to five adopted kiddos and the owner of the Positive Parenting Skills website.

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It is 2013! And a Happy New Year to you, amazing parents! Wow – I remember as a teenie bopper never thinking we would see 2000, let alone 2013! Now here it is and off we go full steam ahead -

We had a mostly sweet holiday season. Some transition time for the big ones who are able to leave the nest and go where they want to go more – which this year entailed a 6 hour road trip from home. Some transition for Mama Juju too as I watched them drive away. I wanted run after them screaming “didn’t you just start walking yesterday?”! Alas, with much warning, their trips were good and thankfully uneventful.

We also have had some school transitions for our youngest. He is hell bent on not moving ahead academically. We have found a school who will take him (and deals with his Reactive Attachment Disorder appropriately) when he blows out of school during the day. Contemplating making the switch full time. Like the idea of 1 adult for every 2 kiddos.

But he got a new para ed after Christmas break at his other school and the para ed has the same disability as him. And I remembered someone told me that if kids with disabilities don’t see adults with the same disabilities, they sometimes think they die when they become an adult. Right now, I think he is embarrassed by the para ed. Work to do in this area obviously. All that to say, I really would like him to make it at the school where my taxes have already funded his education! This is an on-going process. Prayers abounding!

My out of the home girlie got a job and is flourishing as an adult. Oh she is still only 18 and sometimes I forgets that! But every knock down, she picks herself up, dusts off and learns from it. These words would have never come out of my mouth 1 year ago.

So as you can see, the calendar year may have changed but life does not slow down as we turn the page. Looking forward to walking this amazing journey called life and parenting with you all in 2013!

Chat soon ~

About the author: By Julie Hellstrom

Julie is an awesome parent (along with her husband Matt) to five adopted kiddos and the owner of the Positive Parenting Skills website.

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When my man and I were first discussing adopting, we had one huge decision to make. Drumroll please…do we have an open adoption or closed adoption? In our series Adoption: Let’s Be Honest, this is one topic that cannot go unnoticed. Because it involves interacting with birth families. And this is messy business!

Since our kiddos came out of the foster system, there was no real pretty “college couple slipped up one night” kind a story. No sir! It is more like “high most of pregnancy and snuck out of the hospital to avoid CPS” kinds of stories. And the characters of those stories are just as “colorful”. So deciding to further expose these kids to the families that couldn’t (or wouldn’t) care for them well, seemed ludicrous!

Sounds hard-hearted you say? Try holding a raging child whose brain cannot connect two dots because it was never given a chance to develop normally in utero! Or a 6-month old who had to be trained to let us hold him when giving his bottle because no one had and he had become so self sufficient! Or to quote my 12-year old this year “I want to meet my birth parents. I have a few questions for them!” I bet you do buddy! Questions that have haunted him since he could start processing that we were not his “real” parents. This is quite common for any adopted kids. And the other thing is if we have them that means no family member was legal acceptable to take them or didn’t want to take them. Not something you write in their baby book, huh?!

We ruled out a full open adoption. The state we are in does strongly suggest allowing letters/pictures and uses this as incentive to have the parent relinquish versus having rights terminated (where that option is off the table). This is okay until the presents started to arrive. Smoke-drenched dirty stuffed animals and blankets. Baby toys for a 5 year old. Pictures of family partying around the Christmas tree! We decided no presents!

This story has a second part to it. This part only covers the young and vulnerable stage and needed to know someone could and WOULD take care of them. But what happens when they reach the oh so golden teenage years?  Stay tuned to hear…the rest of the story (thanks Paul Harvey)!

Chat soon ~

About the author: By Julie Hellstrom

Julie is an awesome parent (along with her husband Matt) to five adopted kiddos and the owner of the Positive Parenting Skills website.

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As we started getting counseling, I realized that I was going to have to learn new parenting techniques and not just any techniques, therapeutic parenting techniques. Let’s start with the definition for this phrase. When children are traumatized at an early age, their hearts are wounded. Trust in others and in themselves takes the hardest hit. So parenting these kiddos must be focused on healing their wounded heart. Now you know I have said that “if I love them enough they will heal”. If this were true, I would not be writing this article. I cry in the night, ache until I am sure my heart will crumble into a million pieces love them. It isn’t the beginning answer. It is however, the basis from which to start. Don’t forget that.

I thought I would share of few of these techniques to give you an idea just what this looks like. Information that you need to know to make the best decision for your family as you look into adoption.

First, you must at all times (as much as humanly possible) be a calm parent. Your voice, your face, your body relaxed and engaged. Christine Moers (a wonderful therapeutic parent) explains this beautifully in this video.

Next, you CANNOT do rewards system. They will absolutely, positively blow out of them. No choices at first and they cannot change your choice. They need strong structure and you are building their trust for you. They need to know you are a smart parent who knows what is best to take care of them! Therapeutic parenting of teens is exceptionally hard as you are also dealing with hormones!

In this article in Adoption today, they lay out these therapeutic parenting techniques quite well.

Limits, choices and consequences. Children with compromised attachment need considerable structure. The rules, limits and consequences you furnish must be clear, consistent and realistic. Let your child know exactly what your expectations are and hold him or her accountable.

How to deliver a consequence. The way you deliver the consequence — your style of communication — can determine how constructive you are.

Tips for giving a consequence:

• Connect with eye contact.

• Be aware of nonverbal messages.

• Set the stage.

• Focus on the behavior, not the child.

• Work as a team.

• Be consistent.

• Don’t lecture.

• Control your anger.

• Don’t threaten or give warnings.

• Give positives.

• Make it relevant.

• It doesn’t have to be immediate.

• Don’t overdo it.

• Don’t give up.

The full article is a must read.

Does this sound hard? To stay on the honest track, it is at first. Some days I felt as if I was swimming in a pool of confusion. I found that I had to start with a few new skills and then add to them as I became proficient. I also set up a mentor/support person to bounce off situations. That was extremely helpful because I also had to change my way of seeing their behavior. But sooner than I anticipated, I started hearing phrases from the new therapeutic parenting techniques come out of my mouth automatically. And I saw small changes in my kiddos as they started to heal.

About the author: By Julie Hellstrom

Julie is an awesome parent (along with her husband Matt) to five adopted kiddos and the owner of the Positive Parenting Skills website.

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For me, the most intimidating part of therapy was knowing how to get started. This would cause me to not move forward at all because I didn’t know what to do first. Not real helpful or wise when your child needs intervention and needs it like NOW! So you don’t get stuck in this sea of helplessness, here is my suggestion on getting going.

Therapy for Adopted Children

Ask your child’s doctor for names. They are probably the best qualified to know your child and know colleagues who have expertise in the areas specific to your child’s needs.

Ask parents of adopted children you know. Most of these families are currently using or know of therapy providers. These parents are are a great resource.

Look for adoption websites and facebook groups. This is an excellent source for therapy interventions for children. It will take a bit of work to find therapy for adopted children in your area. Here is a directory of counselors on this website.  And a few website and facebook pages too!

www.drselz.com

Foster Parent Rescue : fosterparentrescue.blogspot.com

http://www.facebook.com/parentingallis

http://www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/adopt_parenting/services/therapy.cfm

Make a list of a few of these suggestions. Figure out (if you can!) what areas you are in need of services.  For example, does your child have Oppositional Defiant Disorder? Then be sure to find therapists who specialize in ODD.  Write down phone numbers and addresses. If you are like me, the closer to me the better as sometimes we can go up to 3 times a week to therapy sessions and car time is not always fun time!

Do your homework and research your suggestions. Google them, check Better Business Bureau. Find anything you can in the way of reviews to be as sure as possible before you call that they may be a good fit.

Call. Pick up the phone when you have a few quiet moments and make the call. Let the person answering know you are looking for therapy for adopted children services and would like to schedule an intake. Give them all the pertinent information they need so they can be sure they are a right fit for you and your adopted kiddo. Here I also trust my gut. If something doesn’t feel right in the phone call, appointment times are months out, or anything that just doesn’t sit right, don’t make an appointment. Remember you and your child are going to be interacting with this person and office, hopefully soon and on a regular basis for a while.

Make an Appointment. Be sure to ask what you need to bring. Medical insurance information, referral from doctor, adoption records, the child! Also ask how long the initial appointment will be.

Go to the Appointment. This may sound crazy to say, but I have talked myself out of going a few times. “Oh he is better” or “it was just a phase” or “things aren’t so bad that we need therapy intervention”.  When I do that, I almost always regret missing the appointment. Just go. Once the appointment is over, you have more information to make an informed decision, not an emotional one.

There are certain cases where therapy for adopted children services are just not available in your area. Then you could find online services or programs like Total Transformation (which I use also) to work through.

The experience of adopting a child is emotional. And sometimes these emotions get in the way. Here is an article that discusses the experience of adopting a child and the reality of needs for therapy for adopted children.

Children can still experience a number of emotional problems stemming from their adoption, even when adopted at an early age.

The number one emotional issue for children who have not attached appropriately with a caregiver at an early age is reactive attachment disorder, Cecil-Van Den Heuvel says . Read this informative article.

It is important for me to say that I am talking about therapy for adopted children as a whole here. In future blogs, I will discuss specific areas of therapy that may arise in your adopted children. Also, I am not saying every adopted child will need some kind of therapy. There are many who don’t. But for those who do, knowing where to start can be extremely helpful.

About the author: By Julie Hellstrom

Julie is an awesome parent (along with her husband Matt) to five adopted kiddos and the owner of the Positive Parenting Skills website.

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Today I was musing over this upcoming holiday (and wondering how I am going to get everything cooked in my one oven!). It seems to be an interesting holiday. You see, are we really thankful for what we have or only the good things we have?

Let me tell you where I am going here…I have recently, and mighty slowly, learned that I am over’the’rainbow grateful for all the good things in my life. Not even close on those that are okay and forget about those that are bad/hard/horrible/confusing/problematic, well you get the idea!! How hard is it really to be grateful for the good?! Really?? There is the musing.

A very few times I have told God thank you for a bad situation. And when I did a jaw-dropping thing happened – the situation did not go away! But what did was my lousy attitude. I started watching for what might be happening, or for me – what God was using for good!

I saw a sign the other day - “The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem.”  I know, right?! What if not only was I thankful for when problems arose, but actually was not shocked when they did? Just a part of life attitude! Now I am not saying be all hypervigilant or what not. I am suggesting approach each day with an anticipation of how am I going to grow, be part of someone else’s journey, or be okay with just not knowing why.

I am NOT advocating to approach life as ‘matter of factly’. PUHLEASE!! I am made in the image of my Savior, who wept, laughed, and pleaded for the cup to be removed. I am merely wondering what life would be like for me, you, the world if we were truly thankful for all that was given to us.

So Happy Thanksgiving, burnt turkey and all!

Chat soon ~

P.S. One final thought, a good friend of ours son was killed last week in Afghanistan, serving for the United States. I wouldn’t be so thoughtless or callous to recommend being thankful for his death. That is “not knowing why” thing that I must be okay with.  Mama J.

About the author: By Julie Hellstrom

Julie is an awesome parent (along with her husband Matt) to five adopted kiddos and the owner of the Positive Parenting Skills website.

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My 5 kids each feel differently about their birth and adopted parents. My oldest does not want to know why or how he came to be in our home, just glad to be here. Nor will he discuss any emotions surrounding his birth parents. We are enough for him!  #2 has always had a birth mom hole this size of Texas and once even accused me of stealing her (if so, can I return her? . #3 is a man of few words, just the facts. But his tender heart aches at times when he ponders his value since being abused as an infant. #4 longs to return to his roots and is sure his mother is waiting at the door for his imminent return. He is the first to hug me and the love and fear in his eyes are palatable. #5, he is an enigma. Hates me, adopted mom, and longs for a relationship with his maternal grandma who rocked him the 3 months that his prematurity caused him to be in NICU. It can and is a rollercoaster ride of emotion that most times these kids can’t even explain what they are feeling in any way other than withdrawal or anger. The fact is they DO have emotional issues after adoption.

I am part of several adoption support groups, some that help this mama understand and cope with the reactive attachment disorder issues that are part of all our lives. One brave girl blogs. Her emotional issues run deep and have manifested themselves in schizophrenia which she is amazingly honest about. Below is part of one of her recent blogs that explains the inner workings of an adopted child. Please be warned that this information may be hard to read. Please do not judge her. These are her feelings and they are valid.

 Though, for months, Becca and Bailey told me over and over that I needed to face the reality that my mom was wretched and didn’t want me it took a stranger to make me see the truth, to face the cold hard facts, and accept that she is not and never will be ready to be a  mom. I wrote a post a few months ago about love and how my mom loved me, through men, the only way she knew how. Like many adopted/foster kids I struggle with the idea that my mom was messed up, couldn’t love, and didn’t want me. I conjured up a cover for her lack of love and motherly nature and excused her behavior as her way of displaying affection. It was too upsetting, and still is, to think that someone is so incapable of giving something that is of our nature, making me feel invaluable and unwanted. That is what was holding me back: holding on to the idea that maybe one day she will come around and be that mother I never had. Dr Martin was quick to put any and all “pity” toward my mom to a halt and encourage, or rather force, me to admit that my mom didn’t love me, she didn’t want me, she hated me {and she did, she isn’t afraid to admit it}, that I was living in a cloud of hope that would only be crushed over and over causing me more anger and heartache. Facing these realities became more comforting than unsettling, more satisfying than disabling, and more encouraging than spiteful. Facing these realities made the girls, and the voices, realize that my mom isn’t in control and that just because she didn’t want me doesn’t mean that I’m invaluable, but working together I could be more valuable. Even so, it’s a hard reality to face knowing that I will never have that motherly bond, the mommy to lift me up when I fall, to braid my hair when I’m sleepy, to snuggle me when I’m down, but it’s so worth it knowing this because that false hope no longer exists and the chaos is now a mere concert crowd. Read total blog here.

The energy the emotion takes to understand something that happened to them when they were unable to fully process it is staggering.

The other side of the coin is what emotional issues after adoption do these young lovelies have for their adopted family. A healing RAD adult has given us a glimpse into this in the following eye opening video.

His insight on “just didn’t care” about his adopted mom, was freeing for me. It wasn’t anything she did, didn’t do or said. It just was from the adoption hole in his heart. That little bit of information stopped me from continually beating myself up over not doing it just right! Plus it enlightened me on why my kids are closer to my husband. I am glad they let him in. It makes me feel that they are not so lonely.

On the heels of dealing with birth/adopted family emotions, comes the ever nagging and sometimes dreaded question of can I meet my birth parents. We told our kiddos, like the mom below, that when they were 18 and emotionally mature enough, we would help them search. #1 – no thanks! #2 – sign me up now. And blew out of our home at 16 and into her birth mom’s home for a year. It was a hard year on both of them. Reality never matches those Disney movie dreams. #3 – if he ran into them, he’d say hi! #4 – has an ongoing relationship with paternal grandmother (our choice at adoption) and has met maternal grandparents and sibling. Still longs to meet birth mom, but was warned by grandparents against it. #5 well he doesn’t really care about the parents, just grandma. Good thing, because I last heard parents were residents compliments of the state prison system.  This is another great adopted mom’s story.

Our oldest son rarely asked any questions compared to our youngest son who always wanted answers and promises to find his birth mom when he came of the legal age of 18. When “A” turned 18, he was still in high school. I got a phone call one day from a mediator who was representing A’s bio-mom. She asked to speak to my son who was still in school and asked when she could return the call to talk with him. When she called back, she ask “A” if he was willing to accept a letter from his biological mother. He answered “yes”. A week later, a letter came in the mail and he read it then handed it to me. In the letter, his mother addressed him by the name she had given to him at birth. (let me note that “A” chose on his own to chnage his first name when he was adopted. We did not change it.) His birth-mom expressed her love for him and explained to him how she never wanted to lose him and how the DCS tricked her into giving up her parental rights and she didn’t do anything wrong. She wanted to meet him.

Knowing that part of this letter was a lie, I asked my son if he planned to write her back and he said yes. I told him that if he did, I wanted him to read his adoption papers first and understand why he was placed in foster care before writing her back. I placed a copy of the paperwork in his room and it was there for 2 weeks before he decided he didn’t want to read them or write his bio-mother back. I asked him why? And he said he was afraid she’d find out where he lived. Even after I assured him she would not find out, he said no, he changed his mind.

Our youngest son, S, on the other hand, was a totally different story and one that I wish I could go back and re-play a different way knowing what I know now. He turned 18 in January and he was a senior in high school. A few weeks after that he asked me if I would find his bio-mother. I replied that I would as I had always promised him growing up and it was then that I began my search. Little did I now that within a couple weeks, I would find her and she was only 35 miles away. I called a number and left a message with the wrong person but that person knew her and relayed the message and she called me one afternoon. Yes, I was excited. I found her. We made plans to meet that very afternoon in a neighboring city at a local restaurant. S was in school and I was about to pick him up in a couple hours. I called my husband at work and told him of the plans. He got off work early to go along.

As he got into my van at school, he knew by the look on my face that “something” was up. I told him of the news and he was ecstatic! What took place the next few weeks, I would have never imagined. We met his birth-mom, “C”, and my son’s 2 younger half-sisters that afternoon. She told my son the same lies as my oldest son’s mom told him. She was tricked and she “knew” who his birth-father was. In the DCS notes, she was only 15 at the time and had no idea who out of 5 men that it was. This proved to be true later in the next couple years.

He went home with them to meet his birth-mom’s boyfriend and see where they lived then they brought him home that evening. What took place within minutes of walking in the house stuck me like a knife in the back. I felt betrayed. He asked me if he could show his “mom” his bedroom. I said “you mean “C”? I thought that was my worse nightmare but no! He couldn’t get enough of the new family. I can understand it to a point but I figured visiting every weekend would be enough. Well, this proved not to be true. This new family was totally opposite of ours. (Of course!) Believe it or not, in less than 2 weeks after meeting his birth-mom, he quit school and moved out of our house and in with her!!! Quitting school meant he would not be going into the Navy that he had enlisted in as he would no longer be getting a diploma. I think this was the worst time of my life. I felt so rejected and hurt. I know my son still loved me but he had this need to fill a place inside himself that only this woman could fill, whether I believed she was appropriate or not. I cried all the time and became depressed.

Well, that was 6 years ago and a lot has gone on since. He still has a relationship with his birth-mom but he now knows her true colors. She lied to him so many times, his head was spinning. And I always wondered why he had a problem with lying. Do you suppose it’s hereditary? Please read full story.

I once had a fellow adoptive mother tell me that they all return to their roots. She was having a bad day! But the emotional issues after adoption are real. We can’t look the other way, oh please don’t because you will get hit in the back. We can’t wish or mostly we can’t love them away. You have to teach them to express themselves in a healthy way, be honest about their history as they can handle it maturely, and not take their feelings personally. If all that fails (and some days it will) go have a big chocolate bar behind closed doors with a box of tissues. Tomorrow is always a new day!

About the author: By Julie Hellstrom

Julie is an awesome parent (along with her husband Matt) to five adopted kiddos and the owner of the Positive Parenting Skills website.

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As you know I have been writing a series called Adoption: Let’s Be Honest. In this series, I want to basically “out” all the things that we adoptive parents have not been saying. And now we are saying loudly and collectively because we know that silence has not worked to this point. And ultimately, sharing from the inside out can not only help our kiddos but help those who are part of our lives. Plus those who are looking to adopt, can have all the facts and make an informed, PREPARED decision.

One of the things that I longed for, as a mama who couldn’t bear her own babies, was the sweetness of my own family holidays. The fun birthday parties, the Fourth of July fireworks and picnics, the Thanksgiving table, and Christmas morning. As we started to adopt, and while they were small, there was wonder around these events and it was fantabulous! Then things started to change. We noticed that there was bickering, desires not to participate, disruption and my stress level started to rise. At first, it was only on the holiday, but then in anticipation of the holiday, I noticed dread instead of excitement in the anticipation. One common phrase heard in our house on these days (especially birthdays) was “who is this for”, meaning quit trying to grab the attention away from the celebrated person. Even when opening Christmas gifts, which we do one at a time so we can supposedly enjoy watching their joy at our thought over gift.

Of course, I continued to lay out things that would inspire our children to not spiral out of control. Starting with continuity in the celebration. Order of how we did cake and presents never changed. Christmas involved a sleigh ride downtown and $ given to gift shop for your Special Santa sibling. While this helped, it did not diminish the chaos at the actual event. The last straw came when we had out of town family here for Christmas. 3 of my sweet ones ramped this up to new heights. The day was a bust and I spent it in tears. My family was polite, but left immediately and I have since heard some unkind remarks. (Oh yes, those come too but that sharing is for another time.)

Since that fateful day, daddy and I have added a few tricks to our show. We started it out with no other outside participants until we let them know that jumping jacks and room time were not out of the realm of possibility in the middle of the event. Then I adjusted my expectations! Norman Rockwell and I were no longer one. This was holidays celebrated Hellstrom style. I even believe that the kiddos honed in on these unrealistic expectations and made it their job to be sure that wasn’t going to happen!

The reasons for their holiday blues are interesting. For a few of them, too much family time strummed the hurt in their ‘missing my birth family’  heart.  To enjoy and be part of it spelled betrayal. Also, the lack of value they sometimes experience in thinking they were thrown away, took over and they made sure we knew they were undeserving of such attention. These are ongoing heart issues that we are working on and are slowly healing.

It has been an eye opening journey, for sure! And sometimes the sadness for their broken hearts and honestly, my broken dreams causes me to have my own holiday blues. Just keepin’ it real.

Chat soon ~

About the author: By Julie Hellstrom

Julie is an awesome parent (along with her husband Matt) to five adopted kiddos and the owner of the Positive Parenting Skills website.

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