But perhaps nothing equals some of the anxiety, rage and panic a parent can have once her child reaches being a tween and then a teen. Looming in front of her are all the reports on drugs, drinking, overdoses, suicides, guns, constant social media, YIKES.

And now it is holiday time. Parties, presents, time off from school. How can we stay alert to tween and teen danger this time of year?

1. Never to late to sit down with your tween and teen and go over the rules of your home. That can include among your unique rules such as shoes off at the front door, more general rules such as curfew hours, chores, cell phone usage, keeping you up to date on where your child is, money constraints, etc.

2. Rules are great but you don’t have to stop with the formality of the do’s and don’ts. It is a perfect time to talk about values and issues. Tell your tween or teen what your values are around such things as alcohol, drugs, sex, vulgar language, etc. Don’t be afraid, they want to know what you think about serious matters. And make sure you are clear about what is legal in your state. If the drinking age is 21, or even 18, if she is 17 and invited to have a beer at someone’s home, there is only one clear answer. “No, thank you.”

3. Most important is to help your tween or teen understand that you are on their side. No matter what tight spot they may find themselves in, they can always call upon you for help and guidance. Yes, you may be angry and at times even have to ‘act like a parent’ and yell or insist on things going a certain way, but it all comes from love and having taken on the responsibility of helping your child grow up to be a wonderful adult.

Take a look at this film clip from ‘Help From Beyond, A Coming of Age, Selfie Film’. https://vimeo.com/247253509 I directed, wrote and am now creating the finished product. It spins off of my two books for girls, tweens and teens: The Truth, Diary of a Gutsy Tween and Secrets, Diary of a Gutsy Teen. In this scene the girl has gone to a party where there is drinking. Her mother is furious but also concerned. Can you relate to this scene? Feel free to share your thoughts.

The post Tween and Teen Danger Around Holiday Time appeared first on Positive Psychology for Women.

Falling in love can be sudden, as it was with the girl in my film, based on my book, The Truth, Diary of a Gutsy Tween or it can be slow and steady as many couples have reported who started their married lives with an arranged wedding.

The sudden burst of attraction and then the obsessional thinking that goes with it, is what I’m talking about in this article. Is there anyone who hasn’t been there? Certainly most of us can remember the first time we were overtaken by an uncontrollable attraction.

It may happen as young as five, at least that’s what several women have reported to me.

For me, I was thunderstruck by a boy at nine years of age. Of course I didn’t run off with him into the sunset. In fact, he probably was totally unaware of my passion. It lasted for three years, although by the third year, I had just about given up and stopped thinking about him. The fact that I had grown taller than he didn’t help either.

What advice to I have to the delicious dilemma of falling in love? Should I just say, enjoy it? That depends. If you are of age to date and the feelings are reciprocated then you can proceed. I would say, with caution.

Why with caution? Simply because our biological response that we call ‘falling in love’ comes along as a normal biological reaction to keep the race going. That said, the instruments used to arouse the feelings of being in love may not be the wisest parts of us. That aroused sensation that floats between our minds and our lower parts is lovely, but probably hasn’t much ability to do higher level cognitive thinking.

The truth is, we have to be smart about fall in love. Otherwise it can take us to all the wrong places. Here are some tips if your young daughter falls in love:

1. Don’t make fun of her. Listen, be sympathetic and share some of your own early feelings about love and even some of your early adventures. You being real will be very helpful to her.

2. Encourage her to stay involved with her school work, hobbies, sports, etc. This is the time of her life for her to develop talents and skills that lead to a successful career and the opportunity to be financially independent if she chooses.

3. If it is appropriate for her to spend time with the kid she is in love with, encourage her to invite him over to your house.

If on the other hand, it is you that suddenly finds yourself in love, here is my advice:

1. TRY to not rush into a full romance. Get to know him a bit, and his friends, his hobbies, his values, etc.

2. Do a variety of things together, some you choose, some he arranges, and see how each feels.

3. Watch for deception. You don’t have to be a detective, but just be alert. People are not always who they say they are.

4. If you keep feeling in love, move ahead, whatever that means to you. Just realize that the first waves of infatuation are biological and eventually simmer down. Then what you are left with can be a real attraction, a sharing of values, a sharing of interests, a sharing of goals and desires. If this is the case, move ahead with all the excitement, fun and planning that joining up with a partner demands.

5. If you find you are not sure and it just isn’t feeling right, then by all means get out of the relationship. Falling in love is just one stage of being with the right person.

Going back to me, I moved at age 11 and fell in love with someone else at age 13. Oh, and then I fell in love with someone else at age 14. Oh, and then…. at 23 which is when I felt all the right feelings and guess what? I got married.

Good luck. All of this biology has been with us for tons of years. It helps us meet raise children and have relationships, but it isn’t perfect. However, it is good enough!! Happy Loving!

The post Falling in Love, Do’s and Don’ts appeared first on Positive Psychology for Women.

1. Monitor your child’s involvement with social media. Bullying that happens on-line may be kept from you. Create a clear stance that allows you to know what is happening on sites your child visits.

2. Share what happened to you. Any stories out of your past where you were threatened, or on the upside, put a bully in his place are great. They make you more human as a parent. Someone your child can open up to.

3.Watch your child’s behaviors. If sudden change, for example she will no longer eat at the table with the family, or his door is closed all the time don’t wait. Take time to chat. Punishing will not be as helpful as sharing your concerns, giving a hug and letting your child know you are there.

4. If she tells you about a bully or bullying at school stay alert. Ask her if she wishes you to come to school and intercede. She may not, but make clear that you will make the final judgment on the situation.

5. The best advice is listen to your child. Put your phone down, stop texting when your child is around. Stay involved in his or her life. Do activities together, from family picnics to telling jokes. Be available and take charge as necessary.

6. If you have a hunch your child is the bully, suggestion 5. is the best place to start. Once confirmed, you will need to find a moment to confront him or her, letting your child know that you know and you are there to help. You will often find out that your child has felt bullied or put down or ignored and is retaliating in some fashion.

7. Of course professional help from a counselor, social worker, psychologist, or a psychiatrist may be in order for either the bullied or the bully. We are talking about serious behaviors and possible personality disorders with lasting effects. You are the parent, do due diligence and take your child for an evaluation of you deem it necessary, whether she is the bullied or the bully.

For a look at a bully in action, please go to: https://vimeo.com/268785181

The post A Porch Party Bully appeared first on Positive Psychology for Women.

But the inner life exists and begs to be heard. Questions about how grown-ups handle serious issues such as school shootings bother kids on a daily basis. Kids are deeply affected by how other kids are treated, even a news item like kids being separated from parents at our borders can create feelings of despair, confusion and worries about how we handle children in our country. Also, kids wonder how and why people end up seriously addicted or dead. And don’t forget faith and religion, a topic older than that Bible. Kids wonder if there is an after life, why good people get hurt or killed, etc.

Let’s not be blind sighted. We may not have all the answers to ‘deep’ questions that have plagued sleepless nights of many for thousands of years, but we can be attentive to our children psychologically, spiritually and even politically. Here are a some suggestions:

Create a time for your family to share good news, good deeds, disappointments, concerns and questions. Creating a setting where people who love each other can sincerely listen and respond to anything from trivial good news to serious concerns will help your kids, whether they are 2 or 22 feel safer to share what is really on their minds. No put downs if possible and your job is to truly listen and create this space. That means no phones on, and maybe a treat, such as a favorite dessert. It also means you being honest and sharing your memories about ‘deep’ thoughts and concerns, and taking seriously what your kids bring up. Listening is only the first step. Action, where required is the next.

For example, in this film clip: https://vimeo.com/275643285 the girl was very unsatisfied listening to her minister as he wasn’t talking about the issues on her mind. Ideally if she could have shared these feelings with her parents, they would try to come to some helpful conclusions. What they would decide is as unique as each family, but solutions could be to not force the girl to go to services right now, find a different church, discuss some of the ‘deep’ issues of life at home, take some social actions as a family in town, etc.

Beyond this film clip, if news events, from school shootings, to overdoses, to separation of kids from parents at border crossings upset or concern your kids, set a good example. Maybe call or write your senators and congress people with your kids present. Talk about the importance of voting. Show them how a democracy works by you participating in the process.

The post Kids Have Deep Thoughts and Feelings, Too! appeared first on Positive Psychology for Women.

The post Is a Positive Person Happy all the time? appeared first on Positive Psychology for Women.

The post THE ENCHANTED SELF, That’s Each of Us! appeared first on Positive Psychology for Women.

The post Barbara Becker Holstein in “Four Gateways to Happiness” from Women’s Paths to Happiness appeared first on Positive Psychology for Women.

I have been blessed to be able to join up with a group of women of similar intent. Like-minded and yet each so different, we have banded together to jointly write a great new book, Women’s Paths to Happiness. In this book each of us 12 women has been able to share the path that she inspires other women to walk along. I discuss The Enchanted Self’s Four Gateways to Happiness. I hope you will read our book. You can find it here.

The post Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, discusses her positive psychology approach, THE ENCHANTED SELF and a great new book in positive psychology, WOMEN’S PATHS TO HAPPINESS, in which she is one of the authors. appeared first on Positive Psychology for Women.

Please read the full article http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704586504574654971072980350.html

The post Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein quoted in the WSJ ON STYLE January 14, 2010 appeared first on Positive Psychology for Women.

Each was able to utilize the uniqueness of one’s personal history, and talents, serving the public in a meaningful and skilled manner. As private as the treatment room had been, most can look back on those early years as years of collegial support and understanding. Whether one became an ego-psychologist, a behaviorist, or a family therapist, etc., each of us knew the mentoring, and the success that went with each discipline. We were able to achieve some form of enchantment within the treatment room, offering our clients the best of ourselves, psychologically supported by our colleagues and society at large. We were confident to encourage our clients to stay for the appropriate length of treatment, comfortable making clinical judgments, and enthused about learning new techniques and clinical skills. We offset our sleepless nights, our anxieties around difficult clients, with elation and moments of pure joy, as we saw clients grow and heal.

Those days seem long gone. Now we are in an era of disenchantment. By that I mean, we suffer the emotional and financial devastation of Managed Care. Whether a clinician chooses to practice within Managed Care or not, he or she is not protected from disenchantment. Disenchantment is all around. The public does not respect or understand the art/science of psychotherapy as they used to. Nor are the younger clinicians trained and mentored professionally to the standards that we took for granted. Clients come into psychotherapy, often with lowered expectations as to what therapy is, motivated primarily by their pocketbook or their Managed Care’s pocketbook. They expect cures within 4, 6 or 8 sessions. After all, that is what their plan offers. They are led to believe that a few sessions are an adequate number of contact hours with a therapist. They expect miracles while no longer having a cursory understanding of what talking therapy is all about. They, like most of America, want a quick fix, and they want it now!

As we find ourselves as “mental health providers” in a state of disenchantment, how can we utilize what we know about human potential to offset our own emotional and spiritual malaise? We know from the study of human potential that optimism and hope are extremely important factors in staying well both physically and emotionally.

How can we hold on to these capacities within ourselves? How can we at the same time fight Managed Care? In my book, The Enchanted Self, A Positive Therapy, I discuss how important our own histories are. Each of us has accumulated many memories. Our memory banks are unique to ourselves and hold within them, the potential for hope and optimism. Let me explain.

Only you can review your life’s history. Rather than looking for dysfunctional aspects of your past, search out and discover moments when you displayed talents, strengths and/or wonderful coping skills. Only you can review your life, discovering and recognizing the moments when you were filled with the potential for growth and success even if you were stymied. Now is a golden opportunity to look through your past and recognize these wondrous moments. Perhaps as a child you excelled at chess or playing tennis. Perhaps you were the child that brought home and nurtured abandoned birds and animals. Perhaps you longed to study the piano but there was no money and you could not take lessons. Yet even now you may remember the longing you had to play, or, perhaps to fend off feelings of anxiety in a quarreling family, you developed marvelous organizational skills. Were you the adolescent that displayed leadership skills, becoming president of the junior high school student council? Or were you the child that loved to dance or write poetry or just sit and daydream? You, who have guided so many others in finding their paths, can take the time to review your own history to find what is most positive about yourself.

Once you have begun to review and itemize your talents, strengths, coping skills, and potential, you are well on your way to bringing enchantment back into your life. Even during these dark days of Managed Care you can utilize your own enchantment in several fashions. You may discover in reviewing your past that you have much more potential to help in the fight for Managed Care then you thought was possible. Directing yourself to be a clearer and stronger warrior in the battle will in and of itself decrease anxiety and lessen the likelihood of depression. We all know that from what we advise our clients.

If a review of your past makes clear that you are not cleared to be a warrior in this battle, you can still access long forgotten talents and pleasures which can make your life more fulfilling. Perhaps it is time to take up tennis again. After all, you may have a few more open hours. Perhaps it is time to join a writer’s group or offer volunteer services on the local first aid squad. Perhaps it is time to finally make those plans for a walking or biking tour next summer and use extra hours to strengthen those old leg muscles. In reviewing your talents you may discover new avenues to provide mental health services to your local community.

Remember, whatever way you go you will find yourself most successful if you are utilizing your own specific talents, and coping skills. You will soon find that you are able to expand your horizons and have a more positive sense of yourself. You will be back on the road to enchantment.

The post Managed Care: Path to Professional Disillusionment Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein appeared first on Positive Psychology for Women.