Postcard from Lagos

The Elephant in the Room - A Lesson in Leadership

noreply@blogger.com (Postcard from Lagos) — Sat, 17 Apr 2021 17:13:00 +0000

When two elephants fight, the grass beneath their feet is crushed. The question is 'How my friends, do you keep out from under the feet of elephants?' This however, is not a question I am about to address. My focus is on a different question entirely, and it’s this: 'What if you are the elephant?'

As we know elephants have exceptionally good memories. This means that if you are one, your nostalgia, good as it may be, could stifle, if not crush the innovative aspirations of those who are trying to build the future.

I am fond of, and I believe it is crucial for everyone to submit to the discipline of history because history gives us an idea of what is possible based on the experiences of the past. History helps us to avoid costly mistakes, and it can be a foundation for laying the future. On the other hand, history could also make us bitter, angry and full of piffle from the past. While history is often a foundation upon which new things could be laid, the future is not always predicated on the past. The future has a way of inventing itself, and we should never assume that the benefit of experience or age makes us accurate predictors of what is to come.

So, if you constantly behave, directly or inadvertently like the sage who has an opinion about everything, the wise one who hovers over everyone, correcting every mistake and proffering solutions to all ills, you run the risk of becoming the elephant in the room - an obvious, controversial problem that everyone acknowledges, yet no one has the courage to confront. This in itself is a paradox. Your opinions and corrections may be valued. They may in fact be invaluable. However, if these opinions are frequent, and not sought, good as they may be, they become unwelcome and even resented. True wisdom therefore is not to over-shepherd people. It is much better to allow people to make their own mistakes rather than guide them like an Exocet missile.

So, when next you think about correcting someone, think also about the implications of your action. Whatever, you do, don't be the elephant in, or outside the room. PostcardfromLagos

Photocredit: wdarms.co.nz

No Longer Afraid

noreply@blogger.com (Postcard from Lagos) — Wed, 21 Oct 2020 18:32:00 +0000

Buhari has murdered sleep. He’s shed the blood of innocent young protesters. We are nailing our colours to the mast of freedom. We are no longer afraid.

This is 2020. How come the Nigerian government and its handlers think they can continue to fool us. This was a premeditated massacre. CCTV cameras were first removed, before innocent young people were mowed down for protesting against extrajudicial killings and bad governance. To the government, our youths are dispensable. Big mistake! Every Nigerian is a Lekki Protester from now on.

We know the president and the political elites see peaceful protests as inconvenient. So, in the name of acting tough, and because of the fear of losing control, the man who swore to defend our constitution very swiftly engaged in killing its young. For five years, Buhari had no credible healthcare agenda for the country. For five years, he couldn’t bring up a coherent strategy to end child poverty, build new hospitals, but in two weeks he unleashed the military to kill our young who were protesting lawfully and peacefully.

No doubt, the government will argue that they acted because hoodlums had hijacked the protests. These are the same state-sponsored actors sent to create confusion a day before. For two weeks, this young people had proven their patriotism by their civility and high level of organisation. They did not loot, and no violence was recorded. If anything, they created a mostly carnival atmosphere. The questions for the president and our politicians are:

Why is it that it was only after two weeks that the hoodlums came?

Why did you not send the police to arrest the hoodlums and protect the protesters.

Why did you have to remove CCTV cameras if you wanted to stop the hoodlums.

This protest started because of extrajudicial killings by the police, it is ironic that the response is extrajudicial killings by the president. Sad indeed.

It is clear that the governor of Lagos State has taken sides with the oppressors by coming on TV today, and oozing with practiced sincerity announcing there were no fatalities. No one is fooled, the soldiers must have been real professionals trained to shoot only people’s legs in the dark. As soon as the shooting started last night, eye witnesses reported dead bodies being mopped up by the military.

It is now time for real believers in democracy to get out of this murderous government. History will not forgive you for sitting on the fence. We know history is too far off for many of you to be bothered, but we are all watching.

It is time for our legislators, governors and ministers to choose whose side they are on. Are you for the people or a government that shoots its citizens? Osinbajo, Lawal, Gbajabiamila, Amaechi, what do you say about the crimes being committed gainst humanity under your watch? We are watching.

This is the time for the army to disobey unlawful orders. There is still time to redeem yourself. The people want to know whose side you are on.

It is time for civil servants to down their tools and not go to work. It is time for market women and men all over the country to stop trading. It is time for judges and lawyers to make their voices count. Everyone must choose whether they are for the people or for the president that shoots our children. Buhari and his government will have to shoot everyone as we are no longer afraid.

Nigerians everywhere will not stop. We will petition the International Criminal Court to bring the people behind this massacre to justice.

Buhari has shed the blood of the innocent. We will never forget. Their blood cries out for justice. We cannot fail them. This day 20.10 2020 will become the dawn of a new Nigeria. The day will come when Aso Rock, from where the order came, and Lekki Toll Gate, the site of the massacre will both become monuments for the EndSARS martyrs. PostcardfromLagos

Nigeria's Long Walk to Freedom

noreply@blogger.com (Postcard from Lagos) — Tue, 20 Oct 2020 21:18:00 +0000

The #EndSars protests of the last few days in Nigeria is the start of a new nation. Successive politicians have for long taken the people for granted. Not only are they not interested in making life better for Nigerians, they also oppress the people by flaunting their wealth. The political elite kill softly with their inactions and spit on the graves of the innocent dead. For far too long, different political parties colluded to deliberately keep a social underclass that is powerless and repressed. Or so they thought.

Now the youths who were tagged lazy by the incumbent president have shown that they are resourceful and organised. Like everyone else, I have been greatly impressed by the way they have conducted themselves in this protest. They have shunned violence and looting. They have not allowed ethnic or religious divisions to rear its head. Instead they have embraced diversity, Muslims and Christians have prayed together. Men and women are labouring in the fields of protest. Young Nigerians have, in the words of Martin Luther King Jr, recognised that their freedom and destinies are tied to each other.

However, the problem we have is two pronged. Firstly, our leaders lack the capacity to grasp the logic behind the protest. They are so deluded, and out of touch to understand the reason for the people’s agitation. If they did, they would have done something about the injustices of police brutality, lack of healthcare, poverty, poor education, poor transportation and the likes. Tell me, how can this president solve the healthcare problem if he does not see the shame in going abroad for medical attention.

And if he can't see this, how would his subordinates. Even if they try, these people cannot proffer solutions to Nigeria's ills as you can't solve a problem you do not acknowledge.

Secondly, our leaders will not willingly let go of their privileged lives. So, this is going to be a long walk to freedom. Every Nigerian must be ready to get on this marathon journey. It may be arduous; it may be treacherous but we as a people will surely prevail. PostcardfromLagos

Postscript

I started to write this article earlier today. I have now heard of the shooting of protesters in Lagos by the Nigerian army. If people are protesting against extrajudicial killings by the police, how come the response is extrajudicial killings ordered by the president. The president has killed softly by his inactions, now he kills openly with guns.

As I tried to put my young children to bed this evening, the most difficult thing was how to tell them that the president of our country ordered our youths to be mowed down.

I still feel that the event of October 2020 is the dawn of a new day for Nigeria. Nelson Mandela whose words I have borrowed as the title of this piece says “no power on earth can stop an oppressed people determined to win their freedom.” I know justice will be done one day. I just hope it is sooner rather than later.

Wait! Time is a Revealer

noreply@blogger.com (Postcard from Lagos) — Fri, 25 Sep 2020 22:17:00 +0000

Loosely translated, the Yoruba saying 'eefin ni wa' means character is impossible to conceal. The inference is that just as smoke finds a way to escape, a person's true character would ‘eventually be revealed. Of course, some people are masters at trying to defy this saying. They have a ‘Dr. Jekyll’ and ‘Mr Hyde’ lifestyle of a dark private persona that is the opposite of what they portray to the public. These types of people are good at keeping up a pretence for a rather long period of time. Ironically, 'time' is also the solution to handling such people. If you give anything or anyone time, their true self, will manifest.

I wrote this essay because I have seen many people whose lives were badly disrupted because they made the mistake of marrying the wrong character, or in some cases, got involved in business with a ‘funny’ person.

In the case of marriage, I have noticed that the pressure to get married and have children often supersedes what should be a straightforward ability to apply common-sense. We all know that when a marriage breaks down, it isn't just the couple that are thrown into the mix of the acrimony. If children are involved, they may be seared for life. I know of a man who violently assaulted his wife in the presence of their three-year-old son, then drilled into the poor boy the importance of not letting a woman dominate him. Other family members too are not immune from a toxic marriage. They suddenly become the ground that bears the full weight and venom of two wrestling elephants. Their loyalties are tested, and churned in the furnace of the warring couple's bitterness. Even when it is their own kin that is careering towards a ditch, family members are often unable to voice out what they know is true, or call their intransigent son/daughter to order because they don't want to draw their ire. This situation can be rather stressful especially for the person at the receiving end and their family who would have to pick up the pieces, and also support their son/daughter.

I have had to handle many of these situations, and I can attest that it is not to be wished on anyone. Which brings me to my point. If you are a woman and you are reading this, please note that certain men should never be given any opening to your life. They may be outwardly successful, but internally, they are a damaged good trying to offload themselves to a naïve woman. Some men are petty, extremely controlling and overly suspicious. Some cannot be faithful even if they try, and some are, for lack of a better word, 'degenerates' in need of the Saviour, if only they could humble themselves. Ironically, many of these wife-abusers quote the Bible. I know of a husband, who, blinded by the log in his eyes, would send his wife the biblical attributes of a virtuous woman. These scriptural quotes are usually preceded by a stream of expletives and threats.

Of course, I have seen one or two cases of very nasty women who have preyed on very good men. However, my experience is that, in almost all the cases I have been privy to, it is women that have been at the receiving end. They married raving psychopaths who should never be allowed near any woman let alone have children with. In trying to control or 'deal' with their wife, they care less about the collateral impact on their children. They are driven by their evil desire to prove a point, or seek revenge for being belittled. Everything their wife does is below par. It is almost as if they have an incurable, rabid dislike for the woman they married.

I find it extremely disheartening that far too many women allow themselves to be used as a pawn in the self-immolation of these men. I know that women are intuitive and they can often smell a fake from a mile off. However, it appears that many ignore the warning signals and woefully fail themselves by not allowing the passage of time to reveal the true character of the person for whom they open up their lives.

So here is the deal. No matter the pretence, note that time is a revealer of things. No matter the pressure, give a relationship time. Wait! Never ever rush into a relationship especially in our neck of the wood, Nigeria, where people are not usually what they pretend to be. Don’t ever forget that some are little Hitlers looking for who to control. Some have serious low self-esteem that even wealth and position cannot cure. Some have personal issues they have refused to acknowledge. Instead, they transfer their anger unto an innocent wife. The list can go on and on.

The solution is 'time.' In due time, all would be revealed. No matter how 'fine' and outwardly nice a man appears to be now, don't be fooled, don't rush into anything. If he is the right person for you, he would wait. After all Jacob endured 14 years of servitude to marry the woman he loved.

Don't be fooled by his 'nice' family too, there may be deep-seated background issues. Often times, some families are in on the plan to offload their black sheep to an unwitting good woman who they hope will help give him stability. Stability they couldn’t give him for over 30 years. Stability that they know is elusive. So, do yourself a favour. Wait! Don't take his father's word for it. Don't take his mother's either. Do not take his friends word for it. Check the motive of your family members and friends too. Let time do the work for you, for time is a true revealer of things. You will be glad you did. PosctcardfromLagos

Photocredit - expatkings.com

WHAT FATHERHOOD MEANS TO ME

noreply@blogger.com (Postcard from Lagos) — Sun, 21 Jun 2020 14:34:00 +0000

Fatherhood was and is always a big thing to me. I love being a father, I desperately wanted to be a father. For 16 years. So, when it came, it was bigger than winning the lottery.

I have two daughters, so I am the only male in our family of four. I have tried to take this responsibility quite seriously as I realise that I am a template, not only of what a father should be, but also of half the human race.

Coming into fatherhood rather late meant that, perhaps, I have been a bit more intentional with the responsibility. I planned a lot of things before my children were born. We have family meetings so they can learn to be confident. We go for walks, the theatre and cinema so that we can have family time together. I have a reminder for family quarterly holidays. Not always possible. But I have taken them to the National Portrait Gallery, the Natural History Museum and a few other museums which I can't remember. Our holidays are strategically planned to be an educational experience. We take in lakes, waterfalls, botanical gardens etc. I even took them to the University of Cambridge, and while rolling on the grass, I informed them this is the university of choice. They were five at the time. And they have totally forgotten this experience.

Although there is no fatherhood manual to follow, a few principles have guided me. I want them to know that fathers must be present, so I have had tried to re-engineer my work as a trade-off. The simple logic for me is that once children go to university at 16-18, that is it. So, it makes sense to get optimal advantage from this period when I have them 100%. Because I know that presence is not enough, I cook, do the school run and homework, we go for picnics, I wash, dry and iron their clothes. I enjoy doing all these and I hope they do too. I do not like DIY, neither do I claim to be the archetypal physically strong dad, but I have taken to doing the odd things around the house and I oblige them by carrying them each time they request I do.

My wife and I are no tiger parents, we do however want them to have an idyllic childhood. And this for me means memories, so I try to create as much as I can. That's why we have Sunday roast every week and games night too. It's also the reason for the holidays and the hours of video and audio recordings I have made of them.

Although we freely talk about most things, we have shielded them as much as possible from the matter of race. But they are no fools. They are aware of the killing of George Floyd, and we have had to answer difficult questions as diplomatically as we could.

I was away as the coronavirus was spreading, but I got back just in time before the lockdown was announced. This meant that the last three months have been a time of being together 24/7, learning together and trusting together. I would have been devastated had I not been able to make it back before the lockdown. I recognise this period is a challenging, even tragic time for many, and I hope that they can begin to find some comfort in the days and months ahead.

I suppose my principal role as a father is to provide anchor and love, both of which I have found in my heavenly Father. I am trying to model Christ to them. I often fail. I shout "go to bed" when I see them faffing around at 9pm. They waste no time to remind me of the Biblical instruction that "fathers should not exasperate their children." This is one of the perils of making them read the Bible daily. I know how very important faith is becoming to them. I place my hands on their head in prayer every night. Even if I am busy when they go to bed, they expect and know I would come to pray for them. I also have to create new stories most nights. This is their preferred bedtime reading. If I claim a lack of inspiration, they would offer me a plotline. They pretend to love my stories even when it is evident, I have lost the plot.

I am aware other peoples' experiences are different. I am also aware of the many limitations I have and the many times I have failed. I am aware mums are indispensable. I know that whatever I bring to the table, my wife's is double. But I feel the dads who read this must know they have a role to play too. We must not miss out the rewards of being a responsible father. We must not make our children miss out on the memories a responsible father can create.

Last night, my daughters got me to do 10 press-ups . This morning, on Fathers' Day, they brought me breakfast in bed (cover picture). This afternoon, they are baking a cake for me (they will eat most of it), and they have given me a 30-minute private performance of Little Red Riding Hood with their own twist, complete with about 15 dolls. I enjoy being a father. I believe it's one of the greatest privileges of life. Certainly, the greatest of mine. PostcardfromLagos

After The 2020 Pandemic

noreply@blogger.com (Postcard from Lagos) — Mon, 30 Mar 2020 12:53:00 +0000

I don't know whether the coronavirus pandemic is from God as many commentators have suggested. I am not sure whether it's the devil that is behind it either. What I know is that what we are witnessing is unprecedented. Whilst the Spanish Flu of 1918 and the Bubonic Plague of the 14^th Century killed several million people; the whole world has never experienced this near-total shutdown.

Exactly how the coronavirus jumped from a wild animal to another animal and then to humans remains a mystery. So, although I'm not a doomsday prophet, it would not be far-fetched to suggest that perhaps, just maybe; there is an underlying trigger. Maybe, God is in the ‘shaking’ we are currently experiencing.

What is clear to me and to everyone however is that our great grandchildren will learn and talk about the pandemic of 2020 in school. Some of them may base their PhD thesis on it.

It is also clear that the world after coronavirus will be a different place. The way we work is bound to change for good. Many people will question the need to travel to work post the pandemic, particularly if they have been able to successfully execute their deliverables from home. It's not impossible that having bonded with their respective families, some will give up the rat race altogether.

As a Christian, I think the church will be profoundly affected by this pandemic. As someone who occasionally worships at home on a Sunday with my family (most recently in February), I have always found the experience very rewarding. Now that they have been forced to taste and appreciate its authenticity, many people may want to continue with this new refreshing way to worship. I also hope that people will find it easier to follow Christ rather than a pastor or denomination.

Given the enforced home-schooling, many more dads would hopefully engage the more with their children's lives and school work. Apologies, if you already do so.

In some countries, a silent revolution may start with regards to politics and political leaders. Why vote for clueless leaders who have no strategy to protect their people from a pandemic? I sincerely hope that even the poor and uneducated will see the naked emperors for whom they really are.

Sadly, democracy could yet become the next victim of the virus as dictators find it difficult to give back powers they acquired to fight the virus.

It is also likely that countries of the world will question their fanatical reliance on China for everyday necessities such as medical equipment, drugs, syringes, building materials etc.

I suppose that in nine months, there may be a baby boom in this country and around the world. PostcardfromLagos

The Visitor

noreply@blogger.com (Postcard from Lagos) — Sat, 30 Nov 2019 23:04:00 +0000

What do I know. After all, I am not a woman. What I know is that, in the past, I didn't like it whenever my wife had her monthly period. Not for the reason you thought! Just that at the time of pining for children, the appearance of the visitor was a stark reminder, a veritable proof that no baby was coming anytime soon.

Fast forward to now. Not seeing the visitor can be a cause for panic as neither of us want any more babies. How things have changed? I never knew I would be in a position where I would not desire to have children.

So, menstruation as I see it is about life, sacrifice, fertility, unfulfilled hope, despair, time is running out, fear of impending menopause, and many more. Perhaps it is known as 'PERIOD' because it's for a time and season. The time will come when the flow ceases.

I chose to write about menstruation because of its importance to life. And also because of my respect for the way women handle this 'issue' (pun intended) for 30 or more years of their lives without as much creating any scene.

It takes me all of one minute to shave my beard each day, yet, I find the process mildly stressful. So, you can understand why I doff my hat to women for the incredible dignity with which they handle this 'monthly visitor' that often stay for several days. I know this can be an extremely discomforting and discomfiting period for some women.

Talking about discomfiture; growing up, I attended this church that barred women from entering the church building during their menstrual period. Each week, a few women, from teenage to middle age had to make do with worshipping outside the church building. They could come for the service quite alright, but they get confined to the outer court like despised in-laws. Everyone walked past this line of women to get into the church building. It must have felt like running a gauntlet of men pronouncing them unclean! unclean! I wonder why none of the women defied the rule. Of course, they had been made to believe that this would be disobedience to God. But what if the cycle suddenly starts when a woman was already inside the church building? What I remember was that the women took the experience in their strides, but imagine the feeling of knowing that everyone around you is privy to what was going on in your system.

Given that I am male, I have no window into the psyche of a woman on this matter, and can only conjecture. I can never truly understand the whole gamut of emotions surrounding menstruation. My aim was to write from the perspective of an external observer awed by the very little I know of this phenomenon that has an overwhelming impact on every life, male or female.

So, for the incredible lightness with which women handle what to me is a very big deal, they have my full admiration.

The Geography Lesson Experience

noreply@blogger.com (Postcard from Lagos) — Wed, 31 Jul 2019 21:20:00 +0000

It was a Geography class in the fourth year of secondary school. Each subject ran for about 40 minutes. However this particular session was what we referred to as a 'double lesson' as it ran non-stop for 80 minutes. Our Geography teacher was Mr Ojoxxxxx who was notorious for his tendency to be tough and uncompromising.

Mr Ojoxxxxx was very good at teaching his subject and seemed to enjoy doing so. I can still hear his booming voice enthusiastically talking about 'Pampas of Argentina, Prairies of Latin America. My memory of Geography lessons was that they usually take place in the afternoons. The tropical sun would be out with fury and would easily have created a river of sweating students but for the cross ventilation in the classrooms. In the outside sweltering sun, one can make out a lone pupil digging up a large tree or using machete to tackle a sea of very tall grass in one direction. A different direction may show another pupil on their knees. Both would be under punishment for a misdemeanour which may be as mundane as being two minutes late to school that morning.

Mr Ojoxxxxx was also fond of using what we referred to as 'Black Maria' as his instrument of choice to discipline eering students. A student may err in many inumerable ways including being late to his class, not answering a question correctly, dozing while he teaches, talking in class, failing a test etc.

The 'Black Maria' is a thick round cable of about one inch in diameter with a hollow inside. I suspect they were discarded phone cables which somehow found their ways into the hands of teachers determined to prove their miserable prowess at 'teaching difficult pupils a lesson.'

It was not exactly Mr Ojoxxxxx that we feared, it was the Black Maria and the pain it inflicted when it hits your back, buttocks or hand with brutal force. It wasn't only him that was fond of this instrument of torture, some other teachers including our former principal Mr Faxxxxxxx also wielded it with glee. Those were really difficult days to be a pupil. On a bad day, you could be subjected to 'corporal punishment' from multiple teachers, many of whom picked offences easily and derived a sadistic joy from this form of abuse.

Years later when I briefly taught at a high school, I remember that a fellow teacher publicly flogged a female student widely known to be his lover after their affair had gone awry. These were the different faces of abuse prevalent in those days.

Back to the Geography class that sunny afternoon, we had only just begun the lesson when I felt a deep and pressing need to use the toilet. I approached Mr Ojoxxxxx to inform him, but he rejected my plea to leave the class. I couldn't believe my ears. The knowledge that it was a 'double lesson' compounded my dilemma. It would take almost one and half hours to the end of the lecture. There were no options. I was only 12 and did not have the mettle to walk out of the class. It was not the done thing in those days. I stayed in the class and employed every skill a 12 year old could muster to hold myself back. It must have been one of the longest 80 minutes of my life.

As soon as the class ended, I dashed out of the class towards the school toilet some 150 metres away. As I made my way through the lawns, I could not hold it any longer. I continued to run perhaps faster than Usain Bolt. Although I was not amused, I however felt free from the bondage of Mr Ojoxxxxxx. I was relieved. It was not a good experience. There was no change of clothing. It didn't matter. All I felt was relief. PostcardfromLagos

Postscript - When I wrote this essay on a Sunday afternoon in February 2015, I naturally included the name of the Geography teacher. However, when I decided to publish it recently, I took the decision to protect his name. My intention was not to blacklist him. Perhaps Mr Ojoxxxxx felt it was an attempt to play truant on my part. Or the session that day was so important that he didn't want me to miss out. I would never know but even if there was no justifiable reason for his action, I still consider him a victim of his time.

WHY DO WE MAKE LIFE DIFFICULT FOR SINGLE PEOPLE?

noreply@blogger.com (Postcard from Lagos) — Mon, 27 May 2019 16:23:00 +0000

In the opening statement of her romantic novel 'Pride and Prejudice' published in 1813, Jane Austen observed "it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife." That was in the early 19th Century. In 21st Century Nigeria, we have flipped this statement, and assume that every woman over 20 is in desperate need of a man. It's a stereotype that unleashes the 'poor Ola,' or 'poor Ngozi' look.

Undoubtedly, one of the most shameful characteristics of our society is this unspoken, but widespread grand design to make life unnecessarily difficult for people who are not married. You probably have done so recently without given a thought to it! Although this action is directed at both men and women, it is much more pronounced against young women. The approach includes the subtle, pseudo-religious 'it is well,' 'I am praying for you' phrases, or the pained 'I feel for you' look. Sometimes it is much more aggressive - "When are you getting married?" "Do you have a steady boyfriend?" "When are you settling down?" "If you don't 'package' yourself very well, you may miss the boat" etc. As we all know, the phrase 'it is well', borrowed from the Biblical Shulamite woman is a popular euphemism for desperate situations in Nigeria. It has become our own version of 'Houston, there is a problem.'

I suppose, it is understandable if this kind of pressure comes from parents. After all, it's in parents' DNA to be concerned (even unduly) about their children. However, what is loathsome is how friends, acquaintances, work colleagues, and sometimes strangers make it their responsibility to impose the marriage rule on innocent people. The fact that this may not be malicious does not absolve anyone of the damage being done to those at the receiving end. Our society makes it look as if an unmarried lady has a problem. We have honed this rule so well that we check people's ring finger to find out where they belong. To us, there are two categories of people - the 'lucky' ones (married) and the 'unlucky' (unmarried).

As stated above, our ladies fair worse in this categorisation. 'Yours will come o,' 'you will not be left behind o,' are more of the pressure phrases we routinely employ to nag unmarried ladies, some of whom are barely out of their teens. 'Naggers' who are not content with these little niceties take things a step further by asking pointed questions about a woman's competitiveness in the bridal market.

Our churches have not helped either! Not only have they not taken a stand against this unhelpful situation, they encourage it by creating the belief that being unmarried is linked to being jinxed. We treat unmarried people as if they have been hexed or are in the throes of a deadly virus. Innocent parents or family members are often accused of being the ones behind an unmarried person’s perceived 'misfortune.' This phenomenon creates fear and a path for naive singles to be controlled and exploited by dubious religious leaders. It also creates an impression of women as commodities that must be traded off before a sell by date. Sadly, this belief is so ingrained that many ladies have become complicit. They get into a panic mode if they are not married at 25. I blame them not! It is difficult to shake off a narrative that has been driven into you from birth.

The consequence of these hydra-headed pressure is that some ladies, against their better judgements, date, and in many instances, marry guys they know are clearly not right for them, just so that they could keep the pressure away. Our society thus clearly become complicit in pressuring young women into doomed marriages. That's not the end. On their wedding day, we start to put the newly married couple under a different form of pressure often using the avenue of prayer. 'In nine months’ time, we will come and rejoice with you again.' This generates a loud response of a-a-a-men from un-thinking listeners. What if the couple are not ready to start a family? What if they want to climb mountains, and explore the world first? What if their career plan is not in tandem? Why pile on them the pressure of children when they hardly know each other? What if there are unexplained fertility issues? All of these appear not to matter. To us, what we want supersedes what an individual or a couple wants. I think I might just know what I am talking about as I was married for 16 years before I had children.

I have found that many single people can handle their single status but for the unrelenting pressure of the nosey parkers who make their lives hell. Apart from choosing a wrong partner, some have lost their self-esteem, and many are being emotionally damaged by the ocean of pressure from every corner.

So, what can we do?

1. For a start, why don’t we just leave people alone. Yes! Leave people alone! However much you may be tempted, refrain from asking any intrusive questions about marital status.

2. Given that we are outwardly a deeply religious society, if indeed you are praying for somebody about marriage, keep this to yourself. There is no need to let the beneficiary know. Shouldn't prayer be between God and the supplicant? "But when you do merciful deeds, don't let your left hand know what your right hand does", says the Lord in Matthew 6:3

3. Let's stop targeting single ladies in our churches by 'blackmailing' them to come out for prayers so that they may find a husband. These exercises can be humiliating and is downright wrong.

4. While it is the desire of many people to marry, it is not impossible that some people might have chosen, for whatever reason, not to do so. Their choices should be respected and not in any way impugned.

5. The reality of life is such that some ladies that do desire to marry might not have been asked. We should never make it their fault that no one has asked for their hands in marriage.

6. We should also note that some young men are aware they are not yet mature enough to marry. It would be criminal to pressure them into doomed marriages.

7. Finally, we must become a society where people are treated with dignity whatever their marital status. Life is complicated enough. Let's not make it any harder. PostcardfromLagos

20 Children, 20 Years; 30 Adults, 30 Months - A Story of Human Dispersals & Change

noreply@blogger.com (Postcard from Lagos) — Thu, 21 Mar 2019 23:09:00 +0000

The Yorubas have many interesting concepts and sayings. As a young boy, I used to ponder on some of them, the clear majority of which were simply a conundrum to my then small mind. With many of these sayings, you would first have to understand the context and oftentimes, you also need to make sense of each word. What is not in question however, is the richness of what is being said, pun, fact or fiction. An example is this saying:

"Ogun omode o le sere f'ogun odun, ogbon agba o le sere f'ogbon osun."

In its simplest form, this proverb is about the dispersal of people, the scattering of hitherto young lives to the far-flung corners of the earth as age, desire to achieve and the quest for life forces them to move. Old relationships are shattered or abandoned as the actors seek new ones in their new schools, universities, workplace or cities. Life happens, and people are transported to new destinations in their beliefs, methods, ideas and even political leanings as they grow older. We shift and change leaving behind fractured relationships.

In its morbid form, the saying is about death. It anticipates, even predicts the death of older people. It makes no pretensions about the fact, that in the spectrum of life, octogenarians are far closer to the grave than the day they were issued from the womb. So, this saying pulls no punches about the decay of relationships and the decay of life itself.

The literal translation of the phrase is that it is impossible for 20 children to be in the same playgroup for 20 years. There is bound to be some trigger that would see to the break-up of the group. This trigger is usually not negative. As stated above, some would move because of school, university or due to family relocation. Whatever may be the cause, the effect is a dispersal. It is inconceivable that 20 children would still be closely knitted 20 years down the line.

In the same vein, it is hard for 30 older people (we are talking of octogenarians here) to be together for 30 months. Whilst senior citizens are not usually concerned with the need to move frequently, the undertone is that at least one in 30 octogenarians who meet up regularly would have moved to the great beyond within two and half years. It is not impossible that a group of death-defying 30 octogenarians may be able to pull off this feat, the overarching moral of this saying is that there is a time and place for everything. Life is seasonal, so make hay while the sun shines.

Here is a simple exercise to end this essay. Think of your classmates at your first school, how many of them have you seen in the last five years or how many are you still in constant touch with? What about friends from church or the community where you lived 20 years ago. Would you ever be able to assemble 20 of them in one place? Even if you could, you probably can't keep all of them in the same place for a week. Change happens, we follow and adapt. PostcardfromLagos

Death at Noon & Nigeria's 2019 Presidential Election

noreply@blogger.com (Postcard from Lagos) — Sat, 16 Feb 2019 22:05:00 +0000

Next Saturday, 23 February 2019, millions of Nigerians would turn out to vote in the presidential election. As always, many people are fearful about the process and the outcome. They have every reason to be. The election was postponed earlier today five hours to the opening of polling booths! Besides, in Nigeria, all the major political parties use thugs to scare, threaten and to kill, so it isn't far-fetched that people are understandably fearful. This year, there is a long list of 73 men and women jostling to become our next president. However, the real battle is between the incumbent president, Muhammadu Buhari and his main challenger Atiku Abubakar.

I should be concerned about the elections. I certainly am concerned. But my mind is pre-occupied with a different matter - the killing last Sunday of a young man in his home at Ojota, Lagos, by what appears to be a robbery gone wrong. I did not know the deceased, Adeola Okungbaiye. My link to him is through his cousin, a work colleague who on Sunday evening, sent me a distress message requesting I join her family in prayer as her cousin had been shot. He had just returned home with his young family from church where he was a youth pastor. His father and his younger brother who attend the same church were visiting. Shortly afterwards, he answered a knock on the door. When he realised the person at the door was not known to him, he tried to shut the door but, in the struggle that ensued, the assailant pulled a gun and shot him. An accomplice joined in to strip his wife, father and brother of their phones and a laptop before they both disappeared into the streets. This happened at 2pm.

Seriously wounded, Adeola was taken to a hospital in Gbagada. He was initially refused treatment - a common occurrence in Nigeria. His wife who is a medical doctor prevailed on the hospital to reconsider. They did, but precious time had been lost. By the time a decision was taken to get him to a teaching hospital, he had died.

Adeola left behind a five-month old baby and a wife of three years. He was 32!

The tragedy of this sorry event was not just that Adeola was needlessly killed, leaving behind a young wife, a baby, an inconsolable father who lost his wife (Adeola's mum) to cancer three years ago, the tragedy includes the following:

1. Three family members, his wife, his dad and his brother witnessed the shooting and the traumatic process of his life ebbing away.

2. The fact that the killers could carry out their heinous crime with impunity in broad daylight. Of course, they knew that we dont have a functioning government, and that the chances of being caught is rather slim.

3. The injustice to the family of knowing that the killers may never be caught or prosecuted for their crime. Ask any Nigerian: where do you report a crime like this? Who would investigate?

4. The reality that in an emergency, no one knows what to do or where to turn. Perhaps Adeola would not have died if an effective medical emergency service had reached him, or if the hospital did not reject him or several other 'ifs'

5. That none of our presidential candidates have been able to articulate a credible security strategy to protect our people.

6. That Adeola's death did not feature in any of our media. It was just one of those things that happen in our country. One of the many injustices. Everyone just moves on.

7. Perhaps the biggest tragedy is that although we huff and puff about Buhari and Atiku being undeserving birds of the same feather; on election day, many electorates would outsource their brains, close their eyes and vote for one of these two gladiators. They would conclude that doing otherwise means their vote may not count. Tragedy!

Unfortunately, I won’t be voting this year as I am away from the country. So, unlike in the past two elections where I voted for Muhammadu Buhari, I would have voted for Kingsley Moghalu in this election. He, in my view, was the only one, amongst the 73 that seems to have been able to craft a credible vision for the future.

What do I want to achieve with this post? I am not sure I gave much thought to it. I suppose it's my own way of dealing with the tragedy, and also an opportunity to remind you that it's your decision who you vote for, I just hope you will think about Adeola when you cast it. PostcardfromLagos

Does a Male Child Matter?

noreply@blogger.com (Postcard from Lagos) — Wed, 30 Jan 2019 20:25:00 +0000

I have always wanted to have two children. I have always wanted to have two girls. I have always wanted to have twins. I am lucky I had all my desires met at one go. Therefore, it is possible that I may be a little biased in penning this essay. However, my peculiar story also means I can write dispassionately about this matter.

I do not know how the desire to only have daughters came. But it is probably not unconnected with the fact that I felt there was so much more that could be achieved with them than male children. For a start, you could plait their hair, and buy them all kinds of fancy dresses. I have also been regaled with colourful stories of how girls are closer to their fathers. No doubt, I would have been equally grateful if I had boys.

I am sure we all agree that every life is a gift. An important gift with limitless potential. Every life is also an image of the Creator, bearing the breath, imprint and blessings of the Almighty. So, every life matters as each person has an assignment to fulfil. Some assignments may be big, some may be comparably small. Some people may become popular; some may not. However, as it's often the case, the people that have the greatest impact are not always the most popular or easily recognisable.

I decided to write about this issue because I have seen the way male children matter to men and women alike in Africa. For many women, it is because a male child legitimises them in their 'husband’s home,' and hopefully in his heart. For many men, a male child is proof of their virility and, by extension, a badge of honour before friends and family. Because of these factors, the quest for a male child is relentless for some. I know of couples who had a fifth, sixth and seventh child in the pursuit of that elusive male child. Ignorant of the fact that it is the man, not the woman that is responsible for determining the sex of a child, some men 'condemn' their wife for what they consider as the ultimate sin of not 'having a male child in her.’ Some men take mistresses and break their homes in the search for a male heir.

While I do not want to begrudge any man for having the desire for a male child, some of the reasons behind the desire do not stack up when closely inspected. The most important reason for having a male child at all cost is the need to have someone to 'continue their name'. I have however seen examples of men who have two or three children, all male, but by an irony of fate, do not have male grandchildren. Would a man who had two or three sons not have thanked his stars believing his name is secure forever? Yet it appears that the stars don't always align to our personal preferences. Evidently, it is futile to attempt to determine the future when none of the levers are in our hands.

What about the many instances when a male heir invested with the hopes and aspirations of his parents fail to live up to that expectation, and in some cases, even destroying the name. Would it not have been better to have a female heir who made the parents proud?

In any case, of all the important things in life, why should one be overly concerned with what happens after you are long gone? Is it not enough to give a good education and a fantastic legacy to all children irrespective of whether they are male or female? Why bother when the future is not in your hands to control?

Perhaps, it is wise to consider another interesting angle that is increasingly common. Many young men now alter or change their family names altogether for religious or cosmetic reasons. Rather than the Ogun, Ifa or Sango prefix, they prefer new improved versions such as ‘Oluwa’, Ola or ‘Ade.’ Some adopt a different surname entirely. I can imagine their fathers churning in the grave for this unpardonable ‘sacrilege’. Who knows; their own children may want a more improved version in 25 years.

Does a male child matter? No doubt! However, if you consider the above arguments, you may want to challenge the extent to which this is the only truth. Perhaps the truth is: Don’t all children matter? What we need to do is to educate people on this fact and strengthen our laws to ensure male and female children are equal before the law. PostcardfromLagos

photocredit: traditional games

Is Blood always Thicker than Water?

noreply@blogger.com (Postcard from Lagos) — Thu, 22 Nov 2018 21:52:00 +0000

I jealously, intensely, guard my relationship with my siblings. Whilst years ago I might have been forthright, spewing out what I thought without restraint, nowadays however, I try to play the fool even on occasions when a brother or sister has behaved badly. The reason I do this is simple. I have seen many families disintegrate over flimsy things. I have seen so much bile and hate between siblings. I refer here not to the much vaunted, and sometimes, acceptable sibling rivalry of wanting to be the smartest or the 'finest' during adolescence, but a deep-seated hatred for a sibling even to the extent of wanting them to be down on their luck whilst you are up on yours. I have also seen many brothers and sisters who just tolerate one another. There may not necessarily be a full-blown war quite alright, but there is no love lost between them either.

From my observation, when sibling relationships break down, it's almost similar to, if not worse, than an acrimonious divorce. Two or more people who have hitherto loved each other very passionately are now driven into a situation where their hatred for one another is equally passionate. I have come across people who are so bitter that they wish their sister or brother dead. Some come to this unfortunate position because their brother or sister is nasty to them, because he/she doesn't care about them, or because the sibling reminds them of their own mistakes. Sometimes, these situations are worsened by unhelpful spouses who may fuel the situation rather than help to keep the peace.

Not for a second do I suggest that there are easy solutions to these unfortunate situations, other than everyone making the effort to guard their sibling/family relationships jealously.

As terrible as the above analysis may be, there is a flip side. I have also found many people who have shown considerable care and attention to people who they are not related to. This could be a friend, a neighbour or someone whom they feel they owe a duty of care. In some cases, this person may not even be deserving. In the Jane Austen's romantic book, 'Mansfield Park,' Fanny (Frances) Price was in every practical sense a daughter to Sir Thomas and her aunt, Lady Bertram than their own children. On a personal level, I have watched how someone who has no blood relationship to my dad cares for his needs and often make roundtrip journeys of over 6000 miles to check on his welfare. No doubt, to my dad, this individual is worth more than seven sons.

In the same vein, I have also seen people who met at school or workplace and have gone ahead to forge lasting relationships that often supersede the ones they have with family members.

So, the questions is this: Is blood always thicker than water? Probably not! Whatever your opinion may be regarding this puzzle, my one piece of advice is this - do everything you can to protect your relationships with your siblings and family members even if it means you feel cheated. PostcardfromLagos

Yoruba Demons & The Dearth of Good Young Men - What Must be done!

noreply@blogger.com (Postcard from Lagos) — Thu, 20 Sep 2018 11:26:00 +0000

I got to know about Yoruba demons sometimes last year at a training session I facilitated in Lagos. With lightning speed, I immediately got the gist of the phrase. It probably would not have been easy for me to grasp the meaning that quickly were it not for the context within which it was mentioned. "This one; he is a Yoruba demon," a lady remarked. It was clear to me that she meant she could not contemplate dating the guy in question.

If you are still lost, consider the way the meaning of certain words have changed over the years. So Yoruba demon does not mean 'Obatala,' 'Sango,' 'Ogun' or some spirit running around at night to do evil. Yoruba demon is the euphemism for men who date several girls at the same time, or men whio date women with the single purpose of ruining them. They usually have a good job, are sweet-tongued, often bearded', and wear good clothes, but just like the evil spirits of old, these earthly demons prey on single girls.

It is not untrue to suggest that some men, Yoruba demon or not, have always preyed on women, but what is different nowadays is that the current crop of young men not only have eyes with a lot of lashes, but they deceptively, manipulatively and often mindlessly act on them. Why today's men make serial dating the standard is anyone's guess. It appears that more young men are onto this despicable game and they also do not care about the impact of what they do. These kind of men would start a bogus relationship, with their victims, engage in perfunctory sex, and eventually discard them with ignominy. They are essentially predators who seduced women only to break their hearts. Although, this itself, may not be a crime, yet, the experience can be intensely damaging to their victims.

While it is inconsiderate in any form to betray trust, people often have affairs because they fall into it, or they have a momentary lapse of judgement and action, but to go out seeking bogus relationships with several young women at the same time is beyond redemption. We must therefore question why an increasing number of our young men derive pleasure from playing on the emotions of ladies.

Is there a disconnection somewhere?

Could there be a socio-economic link to this problem?

Is there a crisis of a dearth of good men?

Do we need to train our boys from an early age to respect and value women?

Why do more ladies fall for the sob stories of these liars and cheats?

Could it be that the women are not perceptive enough?

Do our places of worship need to do more to train our men, young and old?

Could this be a demand and supply issue?

On the last point, there is clearly a huge disparity in the ratio of young men to women, so the demons appear to be exploiting this demographic problem.

I have chosen to write about this because while the issue of Yoruba demon may seem inconsequential to many people, it is however a matter on the lips and minds of most Nigerian ladies in their twenties and thirties. It is a social issue of our time that requires our attention particularly because the damage the so-called Yoruba demons do to young ladies is a corrossive on their self esteem, and ultimaltely far more damaging to their long term well being than we care to admit.

Two things to note. Although this phenomenon is common amongst Yoruba guys, the perpetrators are no longer exclusively of Yoruba extraction. Also, this is not an attempt to demonise young men. Not all young, bearded, and upwardly mobile men, Yoruba, or not, are guilty, only that a significant number of evil guys, some even middle-aged, use their gender as a weapon to degrade, debase and destroy women. And this must be stopped.

So what can we do?

Firstly, there is an underlying problem which we must address - that's the issue of men's indifference to the feelings of women. Perhaps we need to start training our boys early in life about the importance of commitment, and respect for women. The culture of taking women for granted must be exorcised from an early age. I cannot stress it enough; this training must start from the home, and it's a responsibility for both dads and mums.

Secondly, it makes sense too that we support our young women to value themselves and not give in to time wasters. We must teach self-esteem to our girls at an early age. This must start at home, and it is a responsibility for both parents. Fathers particularly have the broader responsibility to affirm their daughters, to spend time with them and to treat their mothers well. I know that women are intuitive and can sense predators from a thousand miles away. The deficit that must be bridged therefore is to equip our ladies with the self esteem, and ability to stand up to this deviants and prevent the so-called Yoruba demons from taking advantage of them.

Thirdly, if you are a lady, and have fallen into the snare of a Yoruba demon, make the decision to run. Don't stay with him, don't fall for his sob stories, don't be fooled by his money and his well manufactured and practiced sincerity. Just run! And don't look back.

Finally, if you are a man that preys on the emotions of young women, here is a simple advice, stop and seek help! It is not normal to derive satisfaction from hurting other people. The fact that you engage in this type of wickedness is an indication of some inner inadequacies which if unchecked will create future problems. If this is not enough to convince you to change, perhaps you may want to consider this: "whatsoever a man sows, he reaps!" PostcardfromLagos

It Wasn't Me! - Why We Must Feel Responsible for the Injustices & Evils of our Nation

noreply@blogger.com (Postcard from Lagos) — Sat, 30 Jun 2018 19:30:00 +0000

I am not supposed to know about Shaggy. Yet I do. I didn't go out looking for him. Somehow, I stumbled on a video of the song 'It wasn't me' on TV in the early noughties, and it stuck. This, I must say, is a good reason why you must be careful about what you watch. I cannot remember how the song/video went, but the gist of it was that, although he was caught red-handed in an improper situation, he consistently claimed "it wasn't me."

Many of us are, for all intents and purposes, like Shaggy. We either feign ignorance at what is happening around us or convince ourselves that we are not responsible. So, we blissfully ignore injustices and live our own lives without hindrance. For example, if the educational system is faulty, it's a case of it wasn't me, so long I can send my children to boarding school in England. After all, it wasn't me that made it not to work.

What about the poor state of our health care system? Of course, it wasn't me. And the number of women who lose their lives during childbirth? Am I a doctor? We would say. Honestly what can I truly do about it?

What about the sexual exploitation of undergraduate students in our universities, the parlous state of our roads, corruption in the civil service and the political system? We don't even think about the condition of our prison inmates or the poverty of our pensioners. So long as we have a way of immunising ourselves and our family from the deplorable state of our nation, then all is well.

We sure know all is not well. But the approach we take is 'What could I possibly do?' However, what we do aplenty is to talk and argue about the issues. But talk, as our people say, cannot boil yam. The way to change our nation starts from the conviction that we are all responsible. In fact, the conviction that I am responsible! Once you feel no responsibility, you feel no obligation to be part of solving the problem. You then become one of the people that pontificate blaming politicians, doctors, lawyers, teachers, everyone else but yourself.

Admittedly, the ideal case is for our government to conceive, plan and execute policies that benefit the public. But we must understand we do not live in an ideal country. So whilst things may be top down in some countries we must start to implement our own development bottoms-up. We must feel responsible when things don't work. We must feel responsible when schools in our community fail. We must feel responsible when our local hospital is bereft of drugs, we must feel responsible when our local councilors or representatives fail to perform. We must feel responsible to call people out who are not pulling their weight in serving the people, whether they are politicians, civil servants, police or public servants. We can plan these through community organisations like residents’ associations, religious bodies, social clubs. If we don't, we would not be any different from Shaggy, the singer, who absolved himself of all guilt when caught red-handed. Arguing that it wasn't us would certainly not absolve us of guilt from future generations, and definitely not from God whose injunction is whoever is not involved in building is in cahoots with wasters. In other words, people who are indifferent are as dangerous as vandals. After all, 'it is inconceivable that a baby on its mother's back would have a wonky head when there are responsible adults in the market.' The question is: Are you responsible?

Postscript - Although I wrote this piece in December 2017, I decided to publish it this month given the avoidable tragedies of the past few days. I refer here to the 86 people killed by herdsmen in Gashishi, Plateau State last Saturday, the container that crushed two danfo passengers at Ojuelegba in Lagos on the 19th of June, and of course the inferno at Otedola bridge two days ago.

We must continue to keep these issues in the public domain. We must petition the different governments until something is done about murderous herdsmen, container-laden trucks and defective fuel tankers.

Baba Woodwork - Reminiscing About a High School Teacher

noreply@blogger.com (Postcard from Lagos) — Thu, 31 May 2018 22:39:00 +0000

He was one of the teachers that every student had to notice in high school. This wasn't because of any peculiar features of 'fineness' or stature. He was of medium built, slightly shorter than average height, and much older than most of the other teachers. He also had two of his children in the school, Rotimi who was a few years ahead of me and Ronke who was my classmate.

Although his real name was 'Mr Adeniyi,' however, he was popularly known as 'Baba Woodwork'. He was the only woodwork teacher in the school, and every student had to take the subject in year three, therefore no student could escape his tutelage. Baba Woodwork had his own little empire, one of three large rectangular rooms in a secluded building far removed from our usual settings. Nestling among green shrubs and seasonal maize farm, the building was divided into three sections - a wood workshop, a metal workshop and the technical drawing studio. Together, these three were the technology subjects of that era.

At the wood workshop, 'Baba Woodwork' held sway with a mixture of steely discipline and plenty wit. He was unorthodox and it was apparent he enjoyed the topic he taught. We learned about the 'cross section of a log'. This was a 'sure-banker' question in every examination. We had been told by our immediate 'seniors' who were told by their own 'seniors,' and we made sure to inform the class below us of this hot topic. Everyone passed his subject too. I got a 90 and I am sure most people in my class got similar scores.

From him, we also learned the different types of trees. Obeche, Iroko, Mahogany are some of the ones I can remember. He also taught us how to use saws, shavers, chisels, grips, drills, braces and plumbs to shape wood and make basic furniture.

Although I remember those days with great fondness, I was not particularly good with making things, so I dropped the subject at the earliest opportunity to do so. Still, no one could ever forget or get away from the clutches of Baba Woodwork.

Apart from his teaching peculiarities, Baba Woodwork was a member of the white garment 'Aladura' sect. On the rare occasions that he conducted morning assembly, he would depart from the normal Anglican Songs of Praise hymns. Instead, he would go for the fast tempo Yoruba Aladura songs. A favourite of his that I would never forget is:

Ore mi kilo se o t'o fi d'aladura

Jesu l'ope mi sibe

B'iwo na ba fe ko mabo

The English translation is:

Why my friend did you join the Aladura sect?

Jesus beckoned me to come

You too can join if interested

He would lead the chorus and also improvised. We, the pupils heartily created the accompanying music with loud synchronised hand-clapping. Those occasions were a huge but enjoyable departures from the stiffness of singing 'He who would valiant be' which, I must say, remains one of my favourite hymns.

Baba Woodwork was also the teacher in charge of commissioning and distributing the school uniform. His responsibilities included the selection and engagement of the team of tailors that designed, measured each student and sew the uniform. He used that office to great effect too. He banned side pockets from our school shots and trousers. His reason was that students disrespectfully put their hands in the side pockets whilst addressing teachers. So we only got a back pocket.

My enduring memory of Baba Woodwork was his waspish rejection of the moniker 'Baba woodwork'. Given that he is a Yoruba man, it appeared he chose to believe the literal translation of the appelation as 'father of woodworks', rather than as a honorific courtesy to his age and work. So at one point, he began to react to anyone who referred to him as Baba Woodwork with this withering but witty refrain:

"Emi ni mo bi Ronke, emi ni mo bi Rotimi, baba yin la b'igi", meaning I am Ronke and Rotimi's dad, your dad is the father of wood.

For his commitment to work and his witty unorthodox approach to teaching, Baba Woodwork, sorry, Mr Adeniyi was one of the greatest teachers of my early life. PostcardfromLagos

Why the Gragra? Why Wear Body Armour as Standard Clothing?

noreply@blogger.com (Postcard from Lagos) — Mon, 23 Apr 2018 11:06:00 +0000

It's almost a given that 100 years from today, none of us would be here! This means that everything; Yes, everything, including land, expensive yachts, sky-high buildings, exquisite mansions, holiday homes, exotic cars, jewelry, shares, everything owned by everyone living at the moment would either be gone or owned by other people. So why the fuss? Why behave as if we are going to be here forever? And why the pretence that we actually own anything?

This is neither a call for people to do away with creativity, or cast aside personal ambition, nor is it a call for a pity party to mourn our impending mortality. Rather, it is a call to the admission that life is temporal, so we need must put things into perspective and change our way of life. It's a call not to take life too seriously, and to the understanding that while we may use the things of this world such as wealth and position, we must not be engrossed in them.

The Yorubas from whom I have borrowed the title of this essay are very dismissive of people who behave as if they have the future all buttoned up. Although they may hail you because they had to, the Yorubas are equally scathing of people who cop an attitude, mistreat others and those who are ostentatious with their wealth. Why the 'gragra' they would say? Why adopt a body armour as standard clothing when life is temporal? Why the braggadocio?

Certainly no one wears body armour as their everyday clothing. Not even Roman soldiers these days. The subtext however, is that even if you wear a garment made entirely of iron, it doesn't protect you from the certainty of death. So what is the strutting about? Why put on airs of invincibility. Truth be told, How long do we have on this earth to put down so much roots as if this is the ultimate destination.

Life is temporal. While this should not necessarily scare us; what it should do, is to get us thinking about how we live our lives, how we treat others and the impact of our actions on people. These ideas are certainly worth a consideration. PostcardfromLagos

Has Your Smartphone Hacked Your Brain?

noreply@blogger.com (Postcard from Lagos) — Sat, 31 Mar 2018 18:04:00 +0000

How many times a day do you check your phone for messages and notifications?

Do you take your phone to bed at night?

Is your phone the first thing you check when you get up in the morning?

On average, how many hours a day do you spend on your phone?

How many social media apps are you actively engaged with?

These are a few questions every smartphone user need to answer with ruthless honesty. Maybe, they might just be able to start extricating themselves from being a stooge of their phones. Is this not unnecessary scaremongering you may ask. Perhaps we should look at some facts.

It is increasingly apparent that many people are trapped by their smartphones. Victims of this phenomenon are active on several social media platforms, sending jokes, uploading selfies, and reacting to other people's posts. It is not impossible that these activities provide some psychological reward to the smartphone users, and that a clear majority of them enjoy chatting and uploading selfies. However, does immediate satiation equate to a good use of time? Is derived gratification a justification for the hostile hijack of our brains, our behaviour and social interactions? I mention social interactions because chatting with people via social media or admiring people's picture on Instagram is not a substitute for face to face interaction, any more than reading Mills & Boon novels equip an individual with the ability to negotiate a successful marriage relationship. In fact, statistics show that young people are losing the ability to relate face to face with other people. Furthermore, an increasing number of them are known to suffer from sleep deprivation, and lack of focus due to their exhausting activities online. In the same vein, bedroom etiquette is out of the window for most people. In the UK, it is believed that 79 per cent of the populace go to bed with their phones. They are almost certainly posting pictures and comments online into the wee hours of the morning. With this statistic, it is apparent that there is truth to the suggestion of a correlation between selfies, narcissism and psychopathy - the dark triad of personality traits.

As terrible as these are, they are just the storm-clouds of a more serious and systemic problem darkening the horizon. I refer here to the power we all have conceded to tech companies to use our data as they wish. The recent case of the British company, Cambridge Analytica has exposed how tech companies use personal data to profile people illegally. The company unlawfully gained access to the data of 50 million Facebook users through a deceitful personality test conducted for 270,000 of their friends. The question is how many more companies did Facebook authorise to have the same access to your data? How are these data currently being used? The answers are scary to think about. Yet many people, daily churn out details of their lives on social media and gullibly consent to their data being used by app makers they know nothing about. The truth is everything you click online, everything you watch, every website you visit collects data about you and that data will be used to profile you for gain or even for harm. No one could have predicted these problems 20 years ago. The only way to be safe therefore is by deliberately being vigilant.

Apart from the vulnerability of personal data, social media also allows people's life to be tracked. People know when you are online and when you are not. If you have the location option on, your phone contacts can see where you are in the world. We are the first generation that lives almost all of its life entirely online, and the responsibility is on each person to be vigilant about their personal safety.

Going back to the issue of smartphone addiction, what concerns me the most is the long-term effect of social media use on the mental health of young people. For example, apps like Instagram and Snapchat present an unrealistic image of life to young people and many of them are losing their sense of self-worth because of heavily edited photos of other people to which they feel they cannot compare. Alongside this is the rising reports of online bullying often with the sinister motive of luring teenagers and even pre-teens to send compromising personal pictures which are then used to blackmail them.

I have found that this phenomenon is not limited to young people alone. Social media has democratised misbehaviour and mild stupidity even amongst people in their forties and fifties. Although we have rules that prohibit such messages on the platform, the most trafficked messages on my old school WhatsApp group, are those with sexual content, and meaningless jokes. This I am sad to say is the pattern in the wider Nigeria context. Far too many recycled jokes, motivational gibberish and irrelevant discussions. It's almost as if WhatsApp was made for Nigeria. Each day, a dozen 'good morning' messages and prayers would flood my phone. On Mondays, it is 'happy new week,’ and at weekends - you guessed right. It is near impossible to read them all, let alone respond. Some perpetrators feel they are doing a lot of good even when they are blatantly a nuisance. All around me, I see people losing control of the use of their time, and it makes me wonder whether they are actually in control of their brains any longer.

I am not suggesting that social media is entirely useless. I have a Facebook account which I use mainly for business, and to publish my articles. Although I have a Twitter account, unlike Donald Trump, I hardly tweet and I don't read Twitter messages. But of all the social media platforms, WhatsApp seems to be the most functional and also the most baneful. While it has facilitated better communication, it has also made it too easy to be in perpetual contact, allowing for an unprecedented degree of vacuous and time-wasting exchanges.

I realised a while ago that I simply couldn't cope with the Tsunami of messages that come my way daily. If I had to respond to the greetings only, I probably would need to employ a full time PA whose remit would include typing 'amen' to the retinue of preachers and prayer peddlers who feel I need a daily nourishment of their business. Although I am not going to completely deactivate my social media apps, I have decided to put stricter controls on usage. Considering that I have never been an avid user of social media, this new regime would further limit my engagement, and it is a clear fightback to taking control.

So here are some of the actions I have taken to limit my engagement with smartphones and social media, particularly WhatsApp. You too may find them useful.

1. Although I read all personal messages sent to me, I have indiscriminately stopped reading most group chats. Instead, I read the plain old, and enduring Bible. See! I am not lost after all. I would also rather read books, journals and articles.

2. I never read daily motivational or spiritual messages from anyone. Neither do I respond to them. So, if you have ever sent me one, don't be deceived. The fact it shows 'read' does not mean I have read the message. Every so often I tap on the most unread messages just to clear them from my sight.

3. I generally do not do social media in the mornings or when I am most productive.

4. To avoid distractions, I switched off notifications on my smartphone years ago. I only find out what's on my phone when I pick it up.

5. I removed the 'last seen' feature as soon as I found out it existed. I don't need to monitor when someone was last online and I can't be monitored either.

6. We also have a no phone policy in the bedroom at night.

7. I have never had Facebook on my phone. I only access it on a computer which means I must go through the motions of logging in. I also do not post my family's photo on Facebook or other social media.

So, What about you? What do you want to do?

If you really want to take back control of your life, I would advise a complete deletion of certain apps from your phones. Also, do you really have to show the whole world you are currently on holiday in Tenerife? And why should your children's photos be available to everyone? The message here is be careful about personal data you publish online. If you think your addiction is serious, perhaps you may need to replace your smartphone with an ordinary phone.

Finally, my hunch is that apart from allowing your life to be monitored even by people you don't know, social media is worse than TV in serving junk and ensuring that people squander their time. The immediacy of apps like WhatsApp also places undue social pressure on people and its long-term health effect could only be anyone's guess. I am in no doubt that many people have yielded control of their lives or have in fact been hacked by their smartphones. For many of us, it is in fact our smartphones that log in to us, and not the other way. Perhaps we may not realise it now; in my view, social media is a clear and present danger to the lives of most millennials. It has effectively taken control of the lives of most young adults. And it is fast becoming an existential threat to people in their middle age. PostcardfromLagos

Photocredits:

1.thecriticalspace.wordpress.com/2017/02/19/brain-hacking-in-social-media

2. Adam Dachis, lifehacker.com/ 5747213/how-to-hack-your-brain

BEFORE THE SPOILERS CAME!

noreply@blogger.com (Postcard from Lagos) — Mon, 05 Feb 2018 22:34:00 +0000

Just as some people would easily take to and appreciate you, one of the certainties of life is that some people are not just going to like you or like your face. PERIOD. Some may even go further to put you down. This may happen in relationships, marriage, in the workplace or anywhere else. For many people, being put down, subjugated or being unfairly treated can be a very difficult thing to handle. So, here are a few things to know if you ever have to face any of these scenarios:

Before the spoilers came on the scene, God had already created you. And to Him, you are precious, beautiful, and of great worth. So, the view of the spoiler is not only secondary, but irrelevant.
In most cases, those who put others down have ‘issues.’ They either have low self-esteem, lack interpersonal skills, or they are themselves victims of past and present put-downs. Some misbehave because they are unable to handle a position of authority, or unexpected wealth. Therefore don't allow such people to get you down. Instead, let them own their issues.
When it is necessary, or if the occasion presents itself, confront the abuser and let them know how you feel about their actions. In many instances, spoilers are not aware of the effect of their actions on others. When you let them know, you may well find that they retreat or apologise.
Even if you feel they may be justified, do not allow anyone to get you down. Know spoilers for who they are. Spoilers! Never allow an external person to dictate your mood, question your self-worth, or force you into depression. Remember, you were created by God before the spoilers came.

Finally, avoid being a spoiler to others. Watch what you say or do. The same way you feel when people put you down is probably the same way others feel when the abuse comes from you. So, don't mess around with other people's emotions.

#MeToo – So Where do you Report Rape or Sexual Harassment in Nigeria?

noreply@blogger.com (Postcard from Lagos) — Sun, 31 Dec 2017 20:30:00 +0000

So, Harvey Weinstein has finally got his comeuppance for his evil behaviour towards women. With the number of people who have come out with allegations of rape and sexual harassment, it is no longer a case of who he molested, but who did he not molest? What is peculiar about this incident is its domino effect. Women all over the world who have suffered one form of harassment or another are beginning to come forward. The UK defence secretary was forced to resign for historic harassment allegations. Three law makers have had to do the same in the United States. In the US, UK, and in France, politicians, celebrities, actors and comedians are quaking in their boots for past misdemeanours. What is clear is that this singular case has had a Jimmy Saville/Bill Cosby effect - one allegation was treated with credence and it felt easier for every victim to come forward.

Like many evils in our world, it has taken decades for this to come out partly because Weinstein was very rich and powerful. But came out, it did. This may be little consolation to those who were abused, molested or allegedly raped, some of them no doubt, have been scarred for ever and may never recover from their ordeal. Hopefully, justice would be done, and all of them would be able to move on with their lives.

While all this was happening, my thoughts were nearer home. When is the dam of sexual predatory going to burst in Nigeria? And will it ever happen? It isn’t just the odd cases of locker room talk or male flirtatiousness that takes place in Nigeria; but serious harassment and sexual exploitation of women. We all know of men - politicians, religious leaders, captains of industry, entertainers, bosses - long associated in the rumour mill with sexual predatory on women. In the culture of Nigeria, sexual harassment is pervasive. I hope for a backlash against these miscreants, just like what is happening in Europe and North America at the moment.

We all know of banks that tacitly support the exploitation of female staff through the bullish way they are pressured to sign on rich customers or lose their job/promotion.

We all probably know of someone who had taken advantage of a woman either recently or in the past. He may not consider it to be rape, the victim may not even cry foul because she believed she placed herself in that position. But think again! If a woman was raped in Nigeria, where would she report the crime?

We know what happens in our educational institutions. The question is: Are we ever going to declare a zero-tolerance stance on university and college lecturers who sexually harass, abuse and exploit female students? This has gone on for ages, and very few, if any had ever faced justice. We all know it goes on. It is in fact, an accepted part of college life in Nigeria that a female student would be propositioned by many, if not most of her lecturers.

What about the bullying and sexual harassment in offices across the country. It is well known that many male bosses pester their female subordinates for sex. In most cases, it is not a mutually agreeable contract. It's purely a show of power – I am your boss, and you must play ball, otherwise, you would lose your job. Many women in this situation acquiesce. Even for some that are mentally strong, how many can resist the bullying, the threats, the cajoling, and the constant pressure? As this is so rampant, any regular man with a wife, daughter or sister should be riled, and must be concerned.

For the perpetrators, it is perhaps simply a numbers game. The more women they harass, the more they increase their chances of success. The fact that most Nigerians; women included, are essentially non-confrontational also make sexual predators to assume that their advances are welcomed. Ironically, these predators have so many things in their favour. Firstly, sexual harassment is tacitly accepted and expected. Everyone knows a boss who sleeps with his staff. I must reiterate that these arrangements are usually not mutual. Secondly, we don't have strong laws to encourage women to come forward and complain about sexual harassment, so victims hardly ever do so. Importantly, we have a culture that essentially trains men not to respect women. Our systems and traditions still see women of any age or marital status as preys to be had by men. For example, we have a sitting senator in our national assembly that openly married a 13-year-old girl. The press who should hold these people to account is for all intents and purposes useless. Many of our media houses implicitly collude with the high and mighty leaving serious misdemeanours unreported and unchallenged.

Sadly, our fainthearted churches lack the stomach for the fight against sexual exploitation of women too. While the church leaders (who are mostly male) may feel they do not directly condone harassment, however, the deep worry is that the biases against women that encourages sexual harassment have proven difficult to identify and correct within individuals. So, there are many cases of religious of leaders who consider any attempt by women to exert themselves, as rebellion against their husbands, against the church, and by extension against God. Our women get this, and do not want to rock the boat. In fact, many of them who are highly intelligent make every attempt to diminish their talents just so that they can conform to societal expectations and mores. Because women have sadly been this socialised not to make a fuss at harassment, they are subjected to a barrage of profanity, and humiliation that no one should have to deal with.

In other words, social attitude, mores, lack of legal protection, cultural acceptance that men will be men, have all seen to it that victims of sexual crimes are effectively silenced, and perpetrators emboldened. How can we then expect people who have been abused to come forward if they are going to be attacked by their accusers, ignored by the press and ridiculed by the public. This evil virus has continued its spread for too long in Nigeria because even the good people are assailed by doubts about how much should be done to stamp it out.

But now is the time when everyone who knew about a sexual predator pastor, boss, neighbour and did nothing need to ask the question: What type of person am I?

Now is the time for us to challenge our religious leaders to talk about this issue. Never mind whether paying tithe is biblical or not, now is the time for the church to be bold and champion the fight against harassment of women and women subjugation in general.

Now is the time to confront and rebuke those who prey on women at work.

Now is the time to petition our legislators for strong anti-harassment laws

Now is the time to expose bosses who bully their female subordinates for sex.

Now is the time for lawyers to come forward, and judges to join them in ensuring speedy prosecution for perpetrators of sex crimes.

Now is the time to change our attitude of blaming victims of sexual violence for their own indiscretion. A crime is a crime, so blame the criminal, not the victim.

Now is the time for justice for Nigerian women who are raped, bullied and sexually exploited by employers, aristos, lecturers, money-men and even boyfriends.

Now is the time to look again at the issue of female domestic maids many of whom face the double whammy of violence and sexual exploitation. Let’s remember the epidemic of violence against women in our society disproportionately affects low income women who are silenced by their economic situations.

This is a moment of great social change. It may be painful, it may provoke attacks. It may even lead to a deep rupture in our social culture. But we must brave it. We must encourage victims to brave it. We must expect attack on credibility. Your past may be up for scrutiny, but we all must continue to bat on the side of those who are seeking for justice. If not, injustices and evil will thrive on our watch.

Now is the time to signal that as a country, we want this model of culture-based backlash against women upended.

Like most Nigerians, I am hardwired for a kind of stoic pessimism. This goes with the near certainty that nothing will happen even when it should. But I truly hope my pessimism is dealt a blow this time. And that the dam will burst. And sexual predators will be brought to justice. I truly hope so.

As we say, every day is for the thief, but one day, just one day, the thief will find himself in the net of justice. I hope the chicken of sexual predators in Nigeria will come home to roost one day. I hope it will be sooner rather than later. PostcardfromLagos

Photocredit: mightynurse.com

WHAT SHOULD A YOUNG LADY WHO LOST HER HUSBAND DO?

noreply@blogger.com (Postcard from Lagos) — Tue, 14 Nov 2017 13:33:00 +0000

I found out from a young lady earlier this year that she lost her husband nine months before. I was truly gobsmacked. I had met her two weeks before then, and she stood out with her wit, smile and impressive contributions to the meeting. I was fascinated by her interesting last name. She told me this was her married name, explaining how her husband's family came about it. She gave nothing away.

When, by sheer coincidence, we met again two weeks later, I asked for further details about an exceptionally deep and curious contribution she made at our previous encounter. It was then she told me what informed it. Her husband had died nine months before. I was lost for words. She was still smiling. Yet her face spoke the language of someone who had packed several experiences into her young life. I did not know what to say. From that moment, I had a different perception about her, yet throughout that day and the next, she continued to be her usual self - witty, pulling legs, assisting me to critique every presentation. Who could imagine what she was going through raising two children under the age of six alone? It then occurred to me that I actually know a few people like her. How do they cope? What goes through their minds? What does society expect of them? What if they decide to re-marry?

Whether male or female, it is never an easy thing for someone to lose a spouse. I have heard of one or two much older men who after losing their beloved wives became totally lost. This was because their wives organised everything about their lives, including the clothes on their back. Even with exceptional cases like these, what is not in doubt is that it is doubly more difficult when a woman loses her husband. In many instances in Africa, this means a rapid descent into poverty or at best, sub-standard living, as men are more likely to be the main breadwinner. Often, the husband’s family descend like rampaging vultures to complicate things for a woman soon after the loss of her husband. The fact that she is vulnerable and sore does not stop the vitriol of 'she does not respect her husband's family enough', 'she did not pick our calls', 'we saw her eating only a few days after her husband died,' 'she is withholding information from us.' She may even be accused to her face of killing her husband. Within a few days of her husband's death just a few years ago, a young widow was asked by her husband's family if her late husband had any plots of land.

More than anything else, what stands out the most between men and women who lose a spouse is the real fact that men could remarry within a reasonable length of time. It is in fact expected of them. They are advised to do so as soon as it is practicable. The story is not that easy for women. They tend to grieve for longer, though they may brave it. They have to suddenly find their mojo in an already crowded field of women, and dwindling responsible suitors. I suspect they may also feel they are betraying their dead husbands by dating, so they often hold back. They also have the welfare of their children, their own welfare, and what people would say to think about. Would the new man be as good as the previous husband? Plus of course the fact that men usually marry younger women so nothing changes if they lose a spouse. They can quickly plump for another woman. For women on the other hand, it is not that straightforward. For a start, they are disadvantaged because it is men, not women that still do the chasing in most societies. Even if a woman succeeds in getting married well after her husband's death, there is that suspicion hanging over her for life - Did she kill her husband? Was she dating the new man before her husband died?

So what should a young lady do if she lost her husband?

Given all the pressure of society, and the real limitations of being a woman:

Could she ever find love again?
Would society allow her to find love again?
Would she allow herself to find love again?

Your guess is as good as mine. One thing is clear; it is definitely not a level-playing world. PostcardfromLagos

THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE NOT THINGS!

noreply@blogger.com (Postcard from Lagos) — Thu, 21 Sep 2017 18:52:00 +0000

The best things in life are not things! They are people. And people are important! Nurture them, relate well with them. Don't discard people. You don't leave a group or company, you leave people; you may leave an organisation or company, don't leave the people. Make the effort to build relationships. Don't go around life being angry at the world. Think about the impact of what you say, what you do, and sometimes what you don't do on people. People are important!

The best things in life are not things! They are moments. Moments spent with family, moments with your wife, moments with your husband, moments with children. Moments with sisters and brothers. Moments with your mum, moments with dad. Moments you go on holiday to Yankari Game Reserve, to Erin Ijesha waterfalls, to Jos Wildlife Park, to Snowdonia mountain. Moments you eat and laugh together with loved ones. It is these moments that become time. And time becomes history. Create those moments. Enjoy them. Don't be distracted. Don't squander them. Take them in. Cherish them. Long for them. Make them happen!

The best things in life are not things! The best thing in life is love. Love is a language. Everyone understands it. Love is constant. It covers a multitude of sin. Love prefers. Love believes. All things. Love is patient. Love does not hate another ethnic group. Love does not hate people of other religion. Love does not mistreat women. Love affirms men. Love protects children. Love is not conditional. Love is kind. Love endures. Love is passionate. Love is beautiful. Love is action. Love is difficult, but love can be learned. Love lasts. Love is a choice. Love is the greatest. God is love.

The best things in life are not things! The best thing in life is discovering yourself! Find out what makes you tick. Ask yourself the question 'Why am I here?' What do I do well? What do I not do well? What makes me laugh? Why do I do the things I do? The bad and the good. Why do I not do things I ought to do? How do people see me? How do I see myself? What does my spouse think of me? And my children too? A honest, but truthful answer to these questions will start you on the journey of knowing who you are. This knowledge will help you chart a better course for your life.

The best things in life are not things! It is how you use your time. You already have spent a third of your life sleeping, which by the way is good and necessary. But think about the other things you do - surfing the net, social media, watching third-rate movies on African Magic, squandering it on activities that are not important. Time is ticking. Don't waste it. Think about what is important and concentrate on them. Family, recreation, planning, building relationships. These are important. Lavish your time on them. Time is money, don't spend it on irrelevances. Time is life, so don't waste it. Time is limited, redeem it by spending your time on what is important.

The best things in life are not things! It is how you handle situations. Master your own emotions. Everything is an opportunity. There is always a third choice other than Yes or No. Look for what works for everyone even when it appears elusive. Sometimes, 'No' is a good answer. Don't be too afraid to use it. Don't be naive to withhold it. Say 'No' when it matters. Say 'No' when it is necessary. Say 'No' to what will compromise you and your family. Don't join the multitude to do evil. Make your points known without aggression. Be ready to apologise when in the wrong. Only strong people can do so. Manage your own emotions.

The best things in life are not things! It is refusing to outsource your brain. Read widely. Question things. Don't assume things. Check for the truth. Be wise. If you know the reason for doing something, you will probably do it better. Don't follow people blindly. You have a responsibility for your actions. So think before you do things. Begin with the end in mind. Everything has a repercussion. Consider the impact of what you do on yourself and on others. Think about the impact of what you leave undone on yourself and others. Don't be simple. Be wise.

The best things in life are not things! The best thing in life is the quest for discovery. What can you discover today? A new book perhaps? Discover a long lost relationship. Discover an instrument. Discover story telling. Discover a new language. Discover your discarded passion. Discover the need for holidays. Discover the people around you. Discover your 'dis-used,' overlooked spouse. Discover how to love again. Discover your children. Discover the trees and flowers. Discover the landscape. Life isn't just about how far you travel, but what you discover. Discover something new, something good, something beneficial, something productive. Discover a cause you can fight for. Discover the future.

The best thing in life is not a thing

The best thing in life is Jesus
Holy and anointed
Risen and exalted
Friend of sinners
Champion of the weak

Emancipator of those in bondage
Maker, defender, redeemer, and friend.

The best things in life are not things! It is Jos, and the people I met there last week.

It is Mailafiya urging us all to keep hope alive

It is Fortune Alaribe who says the best is yet to come

It is Dila changing everyone in the North-East

It is Andesikuteb, the very busy banker who is patient and gentle

It is Odiba, the man from Darazo

It is Ekoja advising us not to settle for less

It is Ande the Governor, Obasanjo's friend and lover of politics

It is Ibiyemi and her sonorous, friendly voice.

It is Odagba, the elephant man who works for the elephant bank

It is the gazelle, Kachollom Chollom, the owner of everything she surveys.

It is Saint Nicholas, the farmer and his spirit of togetherness.

It is Prophet Samuel, the lover of Jesus, Jerusalem and Jos

It is John, my learned friend whose voyage through the Savannah has been eventful.

It is Peter Ossco, the kind-hearted, who got me crisp notes.

It is David, the man with the mandate to make a difference.

It is Mary Magdalene, Mr Farmer. Or is it Mrs Farmer?

It is soft-spoken and wise Mariam

It is the beautiful poet, Comfort who is literally at the marketplace

It is easy-going Bright, brewed and cooked in the fields of Uwokwu

It is courteous Garuba, the husband of the golden woman

It is Abolade Aminu and the party arriving at Yola airport in a few weeks time

It is Hassan Umar who will stay the course

It is Emmanuel Ogra whose truth soothes and dignifies

It is Valentine, the town crier - Eke uka! Eke uka!

It is Mohammed serving a bit of love.

It is Agboola who challenges us to think about orphans

It is Tiza who showed concern for Markurdi

It is Arkibus who wants us to learn humility

The best things in life are not things. PostcardfromLagos

The Senator of the Dance

noreply@blogger.com (Postcard from Lagos) — Mon, 04 Sep 2017 12:21:00 +0000

I should not have been interested in the dance. After all, the slant was that it was un-dignifying of a senator of the Federal Republic of Nigeria to dance this way.

What did you expect? He had just won an election that he was not meant to win. His brother had held that seat until his death in April. His party did not select him because it preferred someone else, so he did what most Nigerian politicians would do. He defected to another party. Then he won! Then he celebrated and danced, an Oscar-winning dance for that matter. What do people do when they are victorious? They celebrate. The reaction was swift. Why on earth should a senator bring himself this low? One commentator said, "This was a sad day for Nigeria."

However, what I saw was different! I saw a very good dancer, an exceptionally good one for that matter. I suppose I am not meant to comment on the size of his waist and belly, but these two elements, and the fact that they posed no threat to his dancing dexterity made his dance the more beautiful to watch.

Apart from the impressive dance, I also like the music, and the twist and turn of the lead singer who knew how to pump up the tune to elicit the unending dance crescendos. I must confess that I am a lover of music, and I can easily separate the talent from the singer's lifestyle. For example, I like Anita Baker; I also like Prince and Madonna. I like Ebenezer Obey, IK Dairo; I also like Ligali Mukaiba, Haruna Ishola, John Legend, Aretha Franklin, Orlando Owoh, ABBA and many more. I like country, I like R & B, I like Yoruba, and I like English. I like talent.

Back to the dance, I do not think other senators in Nigeria are any better than the dancing senator. What is un-dignifying is Dino Melaye's nonsense inside the chambers (which by the way, he pronounces as 'shambers'), not Adeleke's dancing prowess outside the national assembly. What is sad is Ben Murray-Bruce’s posturing. What is criminal is that Nigerians are the hapless victims of a national assembly filled with looters, child molesters, wasters, and many others that should be behind bars.

I have no clue what the dancing senator would do, and whether he is the right person for the job. I saw one of his campaign videos where he promised what was clearly beyond his station. However, his dance was one of the best things that came out of the depressingly wasteful Nigerian National Assembly recently.

Here it is if you haven't seen the dance. You be the judge! PostcardfromLagos

My Mother is a Witch!

noreply@blogger.com (Postcard from Lagos) — Sat, 26 Aug 2017 16:32:00 +0000

No! My own mother wasn't. I am only concerned about the rising number of people, many of whom I am sad to say, are Christians, who consider their dad or mum to be behind their life challenges. The vast majority of these people may, in fact be going through mid-life crises. Many of them have not achieved set goals or expectations. Rather than recognise that this is part of living, they look for where to shift the blame. Their conclusion is that there must be a hidden ‘hand’ behind their business, financial or marital difficulties. All other possibilities such as their failure to plan, poor decision making, a serious deficit in people skills, lack of initiative or even laziness are ignored. The cheapest and easiest scapegoat is their parent, uncle or mother-in-law. In many instances, this conclusion is drawn at the instigation of religious peddlers who, fuelled by the belief that nothing happens by chance, take advantage of their gullible clients.

The questions are:

Why wasn't your mother a witch when you were a defenceless baby, and she could have had you for dinner?
Why wasn't she a witch when you effortlessly sought and gained admission into university and graduated with flying colours?
Wasn't she a witch when things were rosy for you?
How would you feel if the tables are turned and your children accuse you of witchcraft?

So let’s just established certain facts of life. It is given that some people would marry later than their friends. Some people would also experience delay in having children. These are matters that are often beyond anyone’s control, and should never lead to a hopeless hunt for, as we say, the ‘hidden snake hands' behind what in the case of infertility may be a simple medical issue. Some people only need to sort out their personal hygiene issues to attract female or male admirers if they are looking for a life partner. Others may need to acquire new skills to be able to find work, or look at their spending habits to stem their haemorrhaging finances.

I am not unmindful of the darkness in our part of the world. However, I have noticed that those who go on this trail never ever get out of their problem. They become paranoid, chasing shadows for years, and end up as pawns in the hands of the religious messiahs that they run to for help.

So admit it, you are either having a mid life crisis which is common to all. Or better still; acknowledge your recklessness, and the poor decisions that might have led into your current situation. Quit the delusion, pull yourself together, and take stock of your life. You have a better chance of resolving your life issues if you admit your mistakes, retrace your steps and apply the right course of action. It is not your mother or father or family stupid! PostcardfromLagos.

Why Your Children Should Not be Your Pension

noreply@blogger.com (Postcard from Lagos) — Thu, 29 Jun 2017 20:14:00 +0000

Disclosure - Before anyone sics their dog on me for being tight-fisted, I must first disclose that for many years, my siblings and I placed our parents on a monthly allowance. The idea behind this was to provide them with regular income they could look forward to. We also cover all their medical expenses, and retained the services of a cook/butler to look after them. That settled, now I can say my mind.

A common prayer in Nigeria is 'wa jeun omo.' Loosely translated, this means that parents will derive financial and other benefits from their labour over their children. Ordinarily, this is not a bad prayer track to travel. It isn't essentially a good one either, partly because, on close inspection, it exposes the entrenched intent of the hearts of many Nigerian parents. When it comes to securing the future, I see a clear blue sky between our culture and that of the West. In Nigeria, many parents see their children as the key to their financial future. However, most Western parents see themselves as the key to their children's financial future. As basic as these two opposing propositions are, they influence the approach to money, spending behaviour, and the financial/savings culture of each of the protagonists throughout their lifetime.

No doubt, parents everywhere in the world feel they must not only educate their children, but also give them the best start in life. What makes Western parents to stand out, in my view, is that they often do not ask for anything in return. They almost always do not expect to be taken care of by the children at their old age. Rather, they prefer to make their own provisions and shy away from becoming a burden to their children. Yet, and most importantly, they have a lifetime commitment to their children that continues even after their death. Many Western parents see it as their duty, almost in a messianic way, to make their children better off on their own death. In order to achieve this, they scrimp on food, what they wear, the car they drive, holidays and even heating of their homes so that they may leave a substantial inheritance for their children. I once worked with an English lady who was probably in her forties at the time. Although she had no known illness, she set up a payment plan to pay for her funeral. She did not want to burden her only daughter with any expenses whenever she dies. As far as I know, she is still alive and kicking. In many parts of Nigeria, the converse is the case.

I must admit that African parents often work harder than Western parents to secure the education of their children. However, African parents also see their children as a means of shoring up their own future financially. The effect is seen in reckless spending on cars, ostentatious living and hard partying, which means that many parents leave their children with nothing when they die. This ordinarily would not have laboured my mind but for the entrenched and acceptable belief that it is the right of parents, having worked hard over their children, to sit up and enjoy the fruit of their labour. Some parents would place a curse on their children if this so called 'fruit of their labour' is not forthcoming. Some demand the type of car, clothing or regular gifts they want their children to buy for them. I have heard of parents who threaten fire and brimstones if their children do not give them a debt-imposing 'befitting' burial when they knock it off. Others prefer certain children to others depending on the largesse they enjoyed from each one. Few have any strategy for their grandchildren.

Am I suggesting that Western parents are better? Not in the least! But their approach to money and securing the future for the generation after them certainly is.

I must say that I have a huge respect for many of our traditions and I appreciate the efforts of my parents over my siblings and me. I also feel that children must show courtesy to their parents and ensure that they live their old age in joy and comfort. However, my advice to my generation and readers is to begin to act responsibly. While children should give parents the respect, dignity, care and love they need in their old age, it is the responsibility of parents not only to give their children a good start in life, but also to ensure that at their passing, their children get another generous stab to financial security. In other words, children are not a financial insurance for the future. Parents must in fact see themselves as the financial security to their children's future.

For parents who do not have the means to provide for their old age, it is of course the responsibility of their children to ensure their twilight years is generously taken care of. This, in my view, should be the exception, and not the rule as is common in our culture. We must desist from 'eating' the present, and then having the future for dessert.

Perhaps, I should end with this very clear instruction from Proverbs 13:22 "a good man leaves an inheritance for his children's children." This suggestion may not only refer to money, but it is a good principle to adopt. As Paul suggested: "after all, children should not have to save up for their parents, but parents for their children" (2 Cor 12.14)