For those of you that have only been following the ways of the Villain for a short time, we’re re-releasing the magical, devious video that started it all: PPC Villain Domination Seminar #1.

Google AdWords announced that starting June 15th, it’ll be open season on trademarked terms in ads. While re-sellers are celebrating in the streets, planning on swooping in on all the ad text they can write for Nike, Dell, the NBA and Sony, some of us are a little more protective of our precious trademarks. Those ™s don’t file themselves you know.

So, how do you still capture that brand name searcher when you’re the brand name? Sure you’ll have the lower CPC and all cause you’re more “relevant” – but still,  competition is competition and it must be crushed. (Even if they are your own affiliate. Why pay them 8% that you can keep for yourself?)

Mr. Burns said it best: “Family, religion, friendship … these are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.”

Eggcellent...

What’s the plan? It’s a two-pronged attack. First prong: scream from the rooftops in your own branded keyword ads that you are the original, the official, and the never-duplicated. Second prong: buy their branded keywords and Trash and Sully Your Competitors Effectively. Working those two hand-in-hand will surely crush all hopes and dreams of those infringing on your trademark.

Examples:

You are the Acai Berry drink creator…

Drink Acai Berry Soda
Get The Real Thing
Not the Fake Acai Soda.

Fake Acai Berry
Bob’s Acai Sodas aren’t the Real
Thing. Monkey Urine Added.

You are Apple…

Real Macbook Air
With Warranties & Support.
You’ll Have to Pay Elsewhere.

Macbook Air Sale
Available with Warranty for
Additional $500! Breaks easy.

You are Vera Wang…

Vera Wang Weddings
Genuine Vera Wang Wedding
Dresses from our NYC showroom.

Vera Wang Dresses
Made in the Phillipines &
Cost the Same as the Showroom!

You are the NBA…

Official NBA Gear
Authentic Jerseys, Hats &
Sportswear from the NBA.

NBA Stuff
Made in China, Most items
are Spelled Correctly.

You are Office Depot…

Office Depot Store
Online 24-7, Shop the
Real Office Depot Now!

Office Depot
Office Supplies Ship in 10-12
Months, When We Feel Like It.

You are Sephora Cosmetics…

Sephora Online Store
Official Site of Sephora Stores!
Buy Online just like in the Store

Not Sephora Online
Animal-Tested, Rash-Inducing Cosmetics
that are not really from Sephora.

Also, please note how I used real companies and infringed-upon real trademarks in this post. Let the games begin!

Mwahahahaaa!

It’s finally come to this, the teachings of the Villain have been accepted as gosspel. Paige Veuxs (yours truly) will be appearing in June at SMX Advanced in Seattle on a certain PPC panel about certain PPC tactics.

Which one? Well that would be like revealing the entire diabolical plan to the good guy while trying to kill him and then him not dying, escaping and telling everyone, thus ruining your diabolical scheme!

And that would be dumb.

Get in touch with your feminine side and get those women to buy. They are half of the population after all. Use guilt, chocolate, tell her she’s right, not like her mother, whatever. Write ads that really speak to women and watch the money roll in. It’s not that hard, see?

You’re Right
Completely and Totally Right.
So Right, You Get Free Shipping.
www.autoparts.com

Cute Shoes
Look like you wear a size 5!
Our shoes slim and shape the foot.
www.shoesforgiantfeet.com

He’s An Idiot
Tell Him how Much of an Idiot
With a Free eCard. Lots of Designs!
www.ecardsforwomen.com

Free Chocolate
With Any Car Insurance Plan.
Get Chocolate Truffles Now!
www.carinsuranceplans.com

It’s Your Wedding Day
You Should Have Everything.
Including a Secure Server.
www.firewallsforyou.com

You’re Not Your Mother
It’s like you were adopted.
Shop Coffee Makers Now!
www.coffeemakeroutlet.com

She’s Just Jealous
Prove it by Downloading the
Newest & Hottest Ringtones.
www.hottestringtones.com

He Just Doesn’t Get it
Don’t Waste Your Time, Get
Used and New DVDs for Less!
www.DVDdelight.com

You Need a New Purse
It’s Been Awhile, Treat Yourself.
Latest Styles, Colors & Brands.
www.purseheaven.com

Buy it, buy it!

Grey’s Anatomy Gossip
We like that show a lot too.
Shop Larry’s Linen Closet!
www.larryslinens.com

Don’t Waste Away
You Can Afford a Bacon Burger.
You Had that Diet Soda at lunch.
www.baconburgers.com

Terry Cloth Track Suits
Are Always in Style. Don’t
Waste Wearing Them at the Gym.
www.90dollartracksuits.com

Pretty Pens
Write in Pink or Purple and
Dot Your i’s with Hearts.
www.penpalace.com

Avoid Wedding Disasters
Get the Dress, the Tiara &
the Swans. You Earned it.
www.Bridezilla.com

Be The Anti-Golden Girl
Don’t Look like Bea Arthur.
Get Anti Wrinkle Cream Here.
www.say-no-to-old.com

Ackkkkkk!

There are a lot of PPC advice and tactic sites out there that promise to give you good advice, make you rich and emblazon their sites with giant call to action buttons and flashing graphics. But can you trust these PPC Posers? Duh, no.

If you’ve got anything at all between your ears, you’re reading this site whenever I get around to posting on it and then nothing else until that moment arrives. Should you get your PPC advice anywhere else?

Duh, no. But let’s face it, I’m slow. World domination is a time consuming activity and posting on my blog hits the back burner when I’m busy taking over New Zealand. I guess I can concede that you might read something about PPC elsewhere and at some time. But for crying out loud, avoid the PPC Posers!

So how do you know when a site is a PPC Poser? Well, I’m going to educate you, because that is what we do here at PPC Villain.

Sign #1 that the site is a PPC Poser:

They seem to think that the bigger the font, the better.

You know what that really means? Total lack of CONTENT.

Example: www.ppcbully.com

PPC Bully

Signs # 2 and #3 that the site is a PPC Poser:

#2: Crazy sort of related to PPC URL

Why? Cause they waited so long that all the good URLs were taken and they took the first .com name GoDaddy spit out at them.

#3: More than one site that’s pretty much the same with the same uncomfortable close up shot of a giant nerd.

Example: www.ppc-4-free.com and www.ppcalwaysfree.com

PPC 4 Free

Sign #4 that the site is a PPC Poser:

The site uses “seals of approval” and “guarantees”  like they’re going out of style.

Example: www.ppcadvertisingsecrets.com

PPC Advertising Secrets

And as a bonus, I found them using this gem of a PPC ad:

Speeling and Grammer anyone?

Sign #5 that the site is a PPC Poser:

Giant, larger than necessary, overly ornate, call to action buttons.

There seems to be a direct link between the size of the button and the average gullibility of the user clicking on it. Green represents the size of the button and blue represents the gullible-ness of the user. Notice how they intertwine into a dance of ignorance?

Gullible Chart

(Source: None of your business.)

Example: www.secretppcdossier.com

Secret PPC Dossier

Sign #6 that the site is a PPC Poser:

Prices are slashed.

What is this, an informercial? If the words “easy payments” “prices slashed” “on sale” or “low low prices” are included, step away from that site immediately. That advice is going to be as useless as the hand mixer, Magic Bullet and BowFlex you already bought for just 4 easy payments of a piece of your self respect and that $10 your grandma sent you for Christmas.

Example: www.therichjerk.com

The Rich Jerk

Sign #7 that the site is a PPC Poser:

They’re not just selling PPC.

If online dating, weight loss or financial help information occupy any other space on that site, dump it like a fruitcake in March.

Example: www.seriousppccoaching.com

Serious PPC Coaching

Sign #8 that the site is a PPC Poser:

It appears that the site has not been updated since 2005.

Yahoo and MSN are going into PPC? NO WAY!

Example: www.ppcprime.com

PPC Prime

Sign #9 that the site is a PPC Poser:

Creepy testimonials and screen shots of success with child-like handwriting pointing out said successes.

(Do you think the strange thing that happened was the possession of his body by a supernatural being?!)

Example: www.ppcscaretactics.com

PPC Scare Tactics

PPC Scare Tactics

Sign #10 that the site is a PPC Poser:

And the final sign…

The URL is meant to inspire fear, panic or scare you into handing over complete and total control of your PPC accounts to them.

Run! Hide! Take cover!

Example: www.ppcpanic.com

More Exclamation Points!

That’s it for this list, you may now sit back and wait for my next post.

Once in a while a PPC ad grabs your attention in a way that no regular old benefits/features ad ever could. I speak, of course, of the flubbed ad, the overly aggressive ad, the dynamic insertion mess ad, or my new favorite: cram as many keywords in as possible, damn the grammar ad!

I can tell that we have those fancy automated PPC maintenance programs to thank for some of the fun. Without them, we probably wouldn’t have this beauty:

Oops.  And from a PPC platform too!

Or this one. Which goes to Google.com, but I doubt is actually even remotely related to them in any way. If it is, someone should probably be fired.

What about those ads that just make you laugh?

Way to jump on the Wall Street panic! These were found by googling Google’s stock ticker symbol, “GOOG.” Strangely they seem to have disappeared now though…

Grammar be damned, we need clicks! Sure, we’ll start with a legitimate headline, but after that, it’s a free for all!

Can anyone guess what their keyword list might be? I bet it includes: work, home, scam, business and jerk!

This ad starts out making sense but then blows you out of the water by promising to help you kill your nemesis. Now that is an ad worth clicking on.

Then there are those ads that attract both sides. Those looking to scam and those looking to be scammed. This ad will not only bring in the new scammers, but also warns to be on the lookout for scams!

That’ll do it for today’s installment of PPC villainy. Stay tuned for future posts. I’ve got some black, grey and dark grey tricks waiting in the wings.

*Not to scale; Iron Fist actually much larger.

Everybody knows about SpyFu, with their nice Ninja-like veneer. Apparently they aren’t the only company that wants in on the PPC competitive analysis take. New to the scene: PPC Bully. Get a load of these clowns!

These “bullies” are pitching their sleuth service as a get rich quick scheme. Threatening to take people’s lunch money (and also their keyword buys), this gnomish 1st-grader is more like a minor annoyance.

For a mere $69 $49/month, they’ll supposedly “let your competitors work for you” and side-step the trial and error involved in launching a PPC campaign.

There’s only one problem I can see with this perfect plan – the leprechaun-esque mascot. Seriously, who’s gonna cough up their paid search secrets to a little turtle squirt in a bad Marvin the Martian costume (no offense, Marv)? Nobody! That’s who.

Their video example touts the ability to pilfer coveted “acai berry” ads. (Real lucrative keyword there, fellas!)

Seriously, who bids on acai berry?

Although imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, our evil master is honestly a tad bothered by this sad bullying. There’s only room enough for one truly evil personality on the PPC front, and it certainly isn’t them. That’s why the great Professor Villainov has sent me, the Iron Fist, to dispatch PPC Bully immediately.

We all know how pesky clients can be, questioning your methods, asking for clarifications and wondering about their precious ROI. Technically our clients are the type that call the mob for a “cleaning job” and then as long as the “job” is done, no questions are asked. But we can’t all have the trust of a mafia don. For those of you that are looking for a way to get those clients off your back, try using a word from our new vocabulary list! It’s guaranteed to confuse and impress the client and to squelch any follow up questions!

Admittedly, Google started it. We’re just following suit.  Heh.

C’mon. EFFECTIMIZE?!

When trying to get a new client, try: hyperoptimize. (hi-per-op-ti-my-ze)

It sounds like optimize, which everyone offers, but the “hyper” aspect of what you’re offering inspires thoughts of speed and awesomeness!

We’re going to go above and beyond and hyperoptimize your campaigns!

Or: minimalazmic (min-e-mal-iz-tick)

You don’t just lower cost per clicks, you make them minimalazmic. It’s just one notch above microscopic, but below itty bitty.

When the client is chasing your around for information you don’t want to give, insinuate that it’s either information they should already know or have told them once before.

Try: kachingaling (kah-ch-ing-ah-ling)

Pairing the sound of money with the action of “ing”, convinces them that you’re all about their bottom line.

Every campaign that receives hyperoptimization will reward you with kachingaling returns.

Or: lessenerdism (less-nerd-ism)

Because of the red tape and lessnerdism of the search engine’s overbearing regulations your ROI is in the toilet.

Now the client thinks that it’s the search engine’s fault.

Need a new strategy to convince the client that you’re testing out?

Try: split turnupside testing

Gone are the days of plain old A/B testing, now we turn ads on their heads with split turnupside testing. This test will examine the ads from every direction imaginable!

Or: pageplander (pah-age-plan-der)

It’s not a new page on your site and it’s not quite a lander! It’s the newest design in landing pages, guaranteed to escape the Google Quality Score loading time criteria cause it’s a pageplander!

Got a smarty pants who wants to know how you’re going to keep their CPCs low since the latest Quality Score update?

Try: quasiscore bidding (kwa-zee-score bidding)

Talk about how with the new Quality Score detail recommendation numbers you can implement a different kind of bidding that is based on a complex algorithm that involves the “6″ OK score, Brinn’s birthdate, the number of licks to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop and characters in your display URL.

With the new Quality Score detail recommendations numbers, we’re able to employ quasiscore bidding techniques.

Or: advanced incremental decreased bids

Tell the client how through the ad scheduling tool you can use the advanced incremental decreased bids tool in every campaign to cut their average cost per click!

Need to convince the client that your in house tools are better than the next guy’s?

Try: instant demographimagery

Be able to target users based on what they look like and where they live!  You have a tool that finds out what people look like and groups them based on where they live! Target those wrinkled old ladies in south Sarasota, Florida because you know when they go online and for how long! Show them the ads for sun damage and watch the profits roll in because you’ve got instant demographimagery!

Or: grouppity grouper

The grouppity grouper allows you to section off, add and organize keywords like no other tool! Speed and time are no match for this tool. This great tool! Do you have one?

Need to raise your PPC management rates because of the crashing economy? How else to convince a client that you’re worth it over everyone else if only for your extensive knowledge in the latest techniques from hyperoptimization to creating pageplanders?!

Now we all know that while technically you can bid on your competitor’s name and keywords but you’re not supposed to have those keywords actually show up within your ads.  Due to all that trademark and copyright BS. Also, they whine about it.

Walmart, K-Mart - Feel free...

For extra-evil points, list the competitor’s phone number in the ad, but not only is it the wrong number, make it interesting! List the number for the local STD testing clinic in their area code. Animal castration specialist, taxidermy, she-male escort service or biological waste management are great ideas that will ensure that customer won’t try dialing that number twice!

All you have to do to get your branded ads shown ahead is bid a little more. It’s an auction system! And since only one ad per site will show, you’ll squeeze them right out.

While yes, you are driving traffic to their site, it’s not going to be pretty traffic. People come looking for that free shipping, discount, or puppy and find none of those things! So, they get annoyed and leave, thus leaving a bad taste in their mouth and resuming their search again on a non-branded search term.

This is where you come in! Rescue them from the awful competitor that can’t spell and tells lies! They’ll thank you for it.

And what are they going to do about it? Call Google and whine? Yeah, but Google will only pull the ad if they call and the offer is actually invalid. Misspellings, as long as their common, they have to let ride. They can send a “cease and assist” on your behalf, but who’s afraid of that? Not you, because you started a brand new account for this villainous plot, using the $50 free credit you found online. The best part is Google won’t and can’t tell the complaining competitor who you are!

If you really want to go to town, use MSN AdCenter. Not only will they do nothing (since they refuse to get involved between advertisers) the competitor has to call, sit on hold and cycle through several ad reps since no one knows what to do when this situation comes up. Eventually they’ll say that they’ll “look into” ads with false information, but they will soon lose interest and go back to being hypnotized by the gold spinning “loading” circle.

Watch out on Yahoo though. Those guys will actually shut you down. Pronto.

It’s so diabolical I almost feel bad for releasing this information. Almost.

Tsk, Tsk, America!

America faces a historic financial crisis this week. If actions are not taken, the consequences to this nation could be dire.

As of tomorrow morning we will be suspending our Adwords campaigns and redirecting all traffic from my advertisers to www.senate.gov and www.house.gov in support of congress in this, our greatest hour of need. We will speak to other bloggers, inform them of our decision and ask them to join us and promote our stand on this issue.

We must meet as advertisers, not as PPC Heroes and Villains, and we must work together to solve this crisis. PPCVillain will be calling on all competing PPC blogs to suspend posting until this crisis is solved, or until our PageRank improves significantly.

It is important during this time of trial that other blogs direct their traffic towards PPCVillain, to support our brave stand on this issue, and raise awareness of the struggle that we have undertaken.

It is time for the PPC community to come together in support of our stand in support of solving this crisis. Now is the chance for all of us to prove how much we can do for one of us in support of all of us. Let us change the dialog in the blogosphere. It isn’t about us vs. them anymore, it’s about us, PPC Villain, and helping us help you help us help America.

Thank you.