Happy Friday!!

Holy Crap!

Clyde — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 15:05:00 +0000

While discussing politics with my brother he said he had the perfect picture to express his feelings of government in general.

I decided to share it with you.

Enjoy,

Clyde

Oh yeah! He’s Bad!

Clyde — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 19:39:38 +0000

Don’t show off!!

Gun Control NOW!

Clyde — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 23:36:06 +0000

After I posted this video my wife watched it and said it upset her a great deal. The reason is that it presents issues that can be scary, such as home invasion, burglary, mugging, rape and other violent crime from the criminal perspective. That’s right, those burglars, muggers and rapists would prefer to KNOW that their victims are unarmed and completely unable to defend themselves in these situations. Therefore they support gun control! What a surprise.

I say the hell with giving the criminals a safer work environment!! I don’t care if they have to worry about being shot while following their chosen career.

Be prepared! Get a gun! Learn how to use it safely and effectively.

Or not, it’s up to you. But don’t watch the video if seeing a criminal discuss the issue of gun control from his perspective is going to upset you.

You’re stupid!!

Clyde — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 22:24:27 +0000

36 politically correct ways to say someone’s stupid:

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

Dumber than a box of hair.

A few peas short of a casserole.

Doesn’t have all his cornflakes in one box.

The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney’s clogged.

Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.

Doesn’t know much but leads the league in nostril hair.

Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Her sewing machine’s out of thread.

His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.

If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

No grain in the silo.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky’s kinked.

Surfing in Nebraska.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.

Cartoons for mature people.

Clyde — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 15:14:34 +0000

Cartoons to brighten your day.

Unless you are an old fart mature, then you will be amused, entertained and probably not remember why you are still laughing later today.

Quotes from idiots.

Clyde — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 13:38:23 +0000

Have you been playing a long time?… — Queen Elizabeth II, to rock legend Eric Clapton

How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test… — Prince Philip

I can do anything you want me to do as long as I don’t have to speak… — Linda Evangelista

I catnap now and then…but I think while I nap, so it’s not a waste of time… — Martha Stewart

I don’t wake up for less than $10,000 a day… — Linda Evangelista

I don’t diet. I just don’t eat as much as I’d like to… — Linda Evangalista

I don’t think about anything too much. If I think too much… …– Pamela Anderson

I feel my best when I’m happy… — Winona Ryder

I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada… — Britney Spears

I like most of the places I’ve been to, but I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan… — Britney Spears

I loved Jordan. He was one of the greatest athletes… — Mariah Carey, on death of King of Jordan

I never knew a guitar player worth a damn… — Vernon Presley, to his young son Elvis

Kids are Quick

Clyde — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 12:56:35 +0000

Kids Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’

TEACHER: No, that’s wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

NO Speaka de English

Clyde — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 15:43:30 +0000

NO Speaka de English

An Italian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn’t know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store…

(Please scroll down.)

What were you

Thinking?

Her husband speaks English!

Now get back to your emails.

I worry about you

Sometimes!

Morons in the news

Clyde — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 16:22:41 +0000

TOP 8 MORONS

1.. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS.
Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting , ‘ Please come out and give yourself up.’

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small , so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: ‘Give me all your money or I ‘ll shoot’, the man shouted, ‘that’s not what I said!’

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: ‘My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart’. ‘Is this her first child?’ the doctor asked. ‘No!’ the man shouted, ‘This is her husband!’

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. Af ter about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER…THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

Have fun!

Messages from women.

Clyde — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 17:14:55 +0000

With some women, it is hard to understand where they are coming from. What are they all about? What do they want out of life? What can you do to please them? What the hell are they thinking???? They say one thing and mean another, yes means no and maybe means “you better not!”

A small percentage of the fairer sex, in a gallant effort to let others know what they are thinking, and to give you a clue about how to interact with them, have taken to wearing T-shirts with short but meaningful messages imprinted on them.

Thank God, the rest of us can finally rest easy, knowing we will no longer blunder when trying to say “the right thing” while addressing them. No more slaps and verbal abuse caused by inappropriate behavior on our part!

Or NOT!

Of course I still can’t think of the proper thing to say to these “ladies”, how about you??