Pre-Preview

SLAP ATTACK

noreply@blogger.com (Michaelanne Petrella) — Tue, 10 Feb 2015 01:26:00 +0000

This Pre-Preview blog is now featuring pre-previews of EVENT TELEVISION and PILOTS and ALL TELEVISION that is able to be pre-previewed you’re welcome.

Watch this to understand pre-preview review:

The first installment of this new foray into the world of television is the effervescent drama of NBC’s Slap Attack. This is the set-up:

A bunch of helicopter parents have thrown their children into a whirlwind of laughter and anger, in what is often described as a backyard BBQ. The premise of this preview is all about how the guy from Heroes and Star Track Movie is PISSED. His name is Zachary Quinto but in this show he goes by Slappery Quinto, for obvious raisins. Anyhow, Slappery is a regular, aggressive eyebrow-laden dude, trying to chill out on a gorgeous Saturday, and he gets mad enough to SLAP ATTACK a child right in the face.

Slap heard round the BBQ.

It starts with a moment where a monstrous drunk baby goes bonkers and knocks the head off of another child at the BBQ, with a baseball bat. The head goes rolling and rolling and rolling until it stops at the feet of The Slap Villain. Is he a baddie? Well thats what this movie tries to teach us, the corny viewer.

"I'll clean your clock right off your shoulders. No adult will ever stop me!!!" screamed the murderous child.

NOTE: The slap noise in this preview gets “in your face” about it. No pun intended. The sound of the SLAP is actually a gunshot noise that has been CGI manipulated to sound like a real slap that slaps your own face. It’s incredibly loud so you can hear it good. There were many conversations had about the sound of that slap, you know it.

Proof of CGI slap.

"High five? Nope. Slapping, which I learned from adults." said a child.

Um Thurman scores the role of a lifetime. She plays the wife of one of the main guys, I think who knows. Also, of course, who can forget Thandie Newton, who we all know and love. She fell asleep tragically during this preview.

"Do you guuuys have energy drinks herrrre....ZZzzzzzzzz."

It looks like the end of the preview just shows the whole bunch bout to have a courtroom drama. I dunno you tell me. I kinda love that shit lol im just kidding

STARS
We give this preview 3.5 stars for being interesting and too loud of a slap noise.

The Addams Family

noreply@blogger.com (David Whited) — Fri, 04 May 2012 16:12:00 +0000

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review.

Beetlejuice plays Barnaby Cullen, a ripoff of the character Ed Cullen from the Twilight miniseries, and The Ed Sullivan Show. Both those shows was also about witches and stuff, just like this one.

John Depp rises from the gwave to create a smash hit of a preview named "The Addams Family." It's about time this important issue of 'pires made it to the silver screen again. It's been 45 days since anything was written or filmed about 'pires. This preview is all about how John Depp got turned into an umpire.

SAAAAAAAAFFE

When John wakes up from his little bed, Fred Krueger tells him it's, like, the 70s, man.

Trance Hell Vanilla 6-5000

Let's jump right into the jokes, and then move on to the real-feel of the 1970s vibe that you can expect to find here. For example, a 12 year old girl notices John acting like as if he has smoked a weed. She's a very brash woman and just comes right out with it: "lol what are you smoking, wacky taffy?" It's funny cause it ain't even got invented yet, the wacky taffy. Bill Wonka.

Oh, you fancy, huh?

Next of all, we can see that John's bangs have gotten curled across his forehead,

shining brightly, and into the shape of several perfect, gleaming, yellow crescent

rolls. His hairs look a little too Frank-N-Stein, which is a mixing of stories!

Get your facts straight! Where's Myth Bursters when you need them lol.

Three bites and you're out.

John the Umpire decides to go rolling around his house with the witch that stole his life since he thought she seemed nice enough. They crash around the house, and into the set of That 70s Shoe. Lava lamps start flying around the room cause they are getting "turned on," which is one of several subtle jokes about lights being turned on. It really takes a seasoned comedic pallet to understand these references. It's like reading The Waste Land by T.S. Eliot. You might even want to bring that book with you into the theater. "Bring a book," raves Pre-Preview.

PLUS SIDES:

Tom Burton is the director and lunchtime attendant for this hard-hitting, important film about an umpire learning the value of technology in the face of that brat the witch.

Girl got a nice tube

FAULTS:

Not enough "going into town" scenes in this preview. Would have liked to see him run into a "redneck" or a "bible humper." Golden opportunity missed!

The Learned Bunch

noreply@blogger.com (David Whited) — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 22:17:00 +0000

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review.

Hi donkeys.

So anyway, this is a killer cast. All the men and women have returned to high school for another paycheck. The main guy is Brendan, and his girlfriend had a baby together it looks like. They make it shut up by bouncing. I dunno, I don't really get the joke here.

Wrong aspect ratio; do you guys care?

Smarty pants Jim with his smarty pants wife Willow are getting ready to have a scholarly adventure together. They go 2, how you say, back 2 school lol. Both are incredibly axcited to throw their kid in the trashcan and run out the door to experience all the embarrassment of high school again.

Nap Attack!

All the gang are going to be there, too! We got Fletch, Cindy, Gorba, Dempsey. Now here come Stiffers, Pie, The Mom, and So Much More. They all meet up and can't believe their eyes because at least one or two of them got married and some of them haven't.

You are missing two taste buds right here.

The one guy named Stuffer goes to the beach party and stalks all the girls with his snake face and ends up trapping them in his basement. (Implied.)

Stiffers can't tell the difference between angry and happy.

Several hilarious guest stars appear including everyone's favorite the flute, Eugene Levis, Hard & Kumar, and Zero Black People. In this picture, they finally reveal exactly what fruits go into an American Pie. Hey guys, Highly Titular Moment!!! (Amber alert: It's pa-pie-ya! ;^)

Can't believe I'm 48-years-old.

Not all of the gang is happy though cause it turns out that The Dad Eugene Levis never even drank before. He gets so drunk that his eyebrows crawl off his face into his esophagus. The Mom has to give him a sexy CPR. Well, he was faking it the whole time, but she didn't know that! All of his internals filled with air so he had to be cut open. "American Funeral" is the name of the DVD chapter, so just skip to that and you'll find out that someone accidentally has sex at the funeral with their eyes closed and then the light of day sheds upon the fact that it was the corpse the whole time and Stuffers' hair turns white and he can't talk anymore!

The camera pans up to the open casket and Eugene Levis is in there and he's got his eyes closed like he's dead. He pops his eyes open and says "Arrivederci!" in to the cam era like Mario. Pretty sad ending.

I died my eyebrowns.

PLUS SIDES:

There is not a moment of silence the entire time. No pauses in between words or jokes. Constant screaming fills other gaps.

BAD PART:

Uncredited guest star Anna Ferris comes out of the woodwork as Girl Bleeding From Throat.

Brade

noreply@blogger.com (David Whited) — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 20:21:00 +0000

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review.

I'm going to break character for a post here to say that we here at Pre-Preview enjoy making fun of the Typical Hollywood Trailer as well as the Typical Hollywood Movie. It's very easy.

These days, it seems like only Coen Brothers movie trailers ever get me excited. Maybe a few others too, but few and far between. Trailers are a little sub-genre that I used to obsess over. Now I make fun of them.

Anyway, the new Flixstar movie coming in June, called Brade, had a new preview premiere online yesterday or today or whenever. It rules. It's actually so good. This is the way movie trailers should be.

Ocean Sky Scraper

noreply@blogger.com (David Whited) — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 23:10:00 +0000

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review.

The ocean, it turns out, is a pretty decent place to hide if you’re a massive alien mothership waiting patiently for Liam Neeson’s army buddy to come turn on your hull.

On/Off toggle switch

Aliens often go to remote locations to get some shut eye, waiting out the agonizing eons that it takes for one hapless military team to finally come in and get killed for an hour and a half of screen time.

"El Blanco, the main Tremor, is back and this time it's underwater" is the tagline

Generally speaking, aliens only attack humans when they are investigating. Remember in the preview called Alien when Sojourner Truth investigated the alien? She wanted it to just show its face from inside the chest cage and then Boom! Insides ripped into a star burst shape.

You can tell this preview is going to be loud by how many high tech gadgets and down periscopes there are.

This preview is from Hasbro®, the same people who brought you Transformers® starring John Turturro. Hasbro is also a video game company from, like, the 80’s, and they had Frog Lady®, Lazy Hamburger®, and Eek Help Spike Oh No Molly® as part of their game repertoire back then. So you know this is probably going to be pretty good. Hasbro® also makes a good gummy bear that tastes like a Pink Pet®.

Liam Neeson plays a broken down, lonely old cop who is sponsoring an international war games tournament. During the ‘ment, the team from USA locates a skyscraper in the middle of the water, like no biggie. Everyone is totally freaked about it being there, and the military emails a bunch of design blogs about its odd architectural origin. This is all they came up with:

Soon alien airplanes start zipping around the sky, which are piloted by large housecats in Halo suits. The bad guys shoot their lasers at the Battleships and kill a couple. The USA can’t shoot back because the aliens have a big bubble surrounding them that deflects all their arrows. The bubble is made out of invisible fire that turns airplanes into scratch-off ticket debris.

Rihanna fails to penetrate El Blanco's supple skin

Everyone realizes that their only hope is the Battleships inside the Matrix training bubble. They are equipped to blast music to intimidate the aliens probably. They play things like Stuck in the Middle With You by Steve Miller’s Band, and Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad Alien Man by Arlo Guthrie. These songs really get them revved up to sink each others Battleship, which is a highly titular moment.

PLUS SIDES:

This film is sponsored by Burt’s Bees.

FAULTS:

After the preview is a ten minute documentary about overfishing in the oceans starring Tim Tebow.

Remembering Chandler

noreply@blogger.com (David Whited) — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 23:41:00 +0000

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review.

The interchangeable, run of the mill actor from the GI Joe preview stars in this show with the actress who was in Wedding Crashers and some other sad movies. She grew her hair out since she was a baby, so here it’s at the desired length she was going for, seems like.

Rachel McAdams

W.C. Fields

Anyway, these two are on a snow car adventure, and they stop in the middle of a Totally Dark Road at 3 am to sneak a kiss and hang out for an hour or two. Well, that’s when a dump truck crumples into their back seat and makes the girl’s head go a little bit bananas.

Saab Fail

The reveal where we first learn that she thinks Chandler Tatum is her doctor and not her husband will make you cry, but that's because you’re sitting right next to the onion bowl, you idiot. Her disease is called amnesia, and every character in every other movie has it too, so she’ll have a ton of support.

Not a ghost yet

Chandler fist fights with a lot of people in order to convince them to let him control her life. When he loses that court case the judge orders her ex-lover Randall be risen from the grave to take over longing for her.

Rise from your Grave, altered beast

So, Randall teaches Chandler how to date his wife, and they actually have a really cute relation ship together.

Ungh

Later on, they get into a staring contest and Chandler’s contact pops out after the contest ends because he gets socked in the eye bulb by Randall, the devil. Now Chandler can say Do you see what he did? to her while pointing to his eye, and she’ll choose HIM out of respect for taking the punch, I guess.

"Take dat punch boyee"

FAULTS:

I spied Sam Neill from JP III in this preview. How come he dint have more words to say?

PLUS SIDES:

Lot of nice smiles in this preview instead of words.

Adventures in Bro-bysitting

noreply@blogger.com (David Whited) — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 22:09:00 +0000

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review.

Jonah Hill can’t talk his way outta this one! Even though he is a gifted talker/man child, this male babysitter constantly makes people go, “What are YOU talking bout!” in this classic Whodunit of Babysitting.

Did you dun it?

The star of this joint flexes his acting muscles, finally, and really branches out. Later on during the football game, when the military commercial happens, he calls you a noob, lol.

The plot go like this: the guy don't wanna answer mommy's cell phone, so she sends him up the river to an old ma'am's house, which turns out to be a loony bin for small people.

Welcome to my bin, babe

He doesn't really unnerstand anything about these smaller people, and he really talks down to them like they're babies or something. This is when I figured out he was the bad guy. Spoiler event. Well, anyway, so these children though; at some point he tells a goth child that he bets she can’t make him drink perfumes. Guess what happens! She cuts his throat open and all the sins come out lol.

The guy will nearly kill these children during his own quest for love, turns out. But luckily, there are people named Jonas that will make sure your babies are laffing the whole time that they are almost murdered. Here are the scamps now.

William

Jefferson

Hillary

Jonsey gets a rude awakening several times throughout this movie. He keeps doing some serious double takes and going who???? WHOooo????? Then he falls asleep and SNORES so loud that the babies put cheerios down his throat to make a flute noise happen, and they push on his stomach to change notes. It’s a really moving piece of music that they compose. iTunes download $4.99.

Steep price but worth it.

Anyhoo! Jonahs cumber bun keeps flipping up and hitting him in the face in between unscripted-sounding charm. At the end, the parents go “So did you kids have fun tonight?” And the one kid starts barfing glitter all over the rug, and the girl has a neck tattoo of the night they just had.

FAULTS:

This movie is awarding to bad behavior.

PLUS SIDES:

Lots of moments.

Damn Dame

noreply@blogger.com (David Whited) — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 02:17:00 +0000

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review.

Email the downtown rags, newspapers, extry extry read all about it: This damn dame has two many boyfriends!

President’s Day Weekend is about to get tricked out. This film, which premieres on President’s Day Weekend 2012! is an inside look at what happens when the CIA falls in love with the same dame.

The CIA, played by two bros, are fallin’ hard for this Peppy Pepperson-type.

After they work on their emails, they both sit down and start talking about who will claim ownership of her, who can win her in a contest of secret war, and all that kind of stuff. The Pepperson girl, what's her name, is who they're talking about.

Then the bros flirt together for a little bit and play this cute laptop game where they show each other what kind of stuff they like to look at on the internet.

Well it turns out they both like to look at Royce Witherspoon!

They don’t want each others’ fruity cologne to stink the air after they are each at her house, kissing her lips. One time, I guess they DO smell it and go apeshit. They throw each other hard enough to end life as we know it! The one gentleman who was in the Unstoppable preview, about a train, with Donzel Washington; well, he throws a gas tank real hard and tries to explode it, I think!

The other guy isn't fazed at all cause he's confused all the time anyway.

The guy from Unstoppable, Chris Pine I just looked him up, gets a dart thrown at him by his friend, the other guy, you know who I'm talking about?

Hey! I made this dart yesterday at the crafts and dart area of the agency.

A couple things you need to know before proceeding with this preview review:

- Pepperson is caught in the crossfire of the fighting and she gets her body twisted to shreds.

- This film is not yet rated - DOES THIS MEAN THERE IS SOME SERIOUS RAUNCH GOING ON??WHAT!!! [Ed.note: Turns out it is fine. False alarm! Well, except for the part where...Spoiler Event! She gets real drunk and makes Chelsea Handler...I won’t tell you the rest except to say clean up on aisle

- No actors were used in the making of this film. Only stuntmen, which is cool.

PLUS SIDES:

Girl head bangs for about thirty minutes.

FAULTS:

Kirk got his cock blocked

Xtreme Primo Buzz

noreply@blogger.com (David Whited) — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 18:27:00 +0000

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review.

So! Just blast open a cold refreshing can of Surge soda pop and look at these fixie bike heads.

The jungle: New Yuck City. Lots of bike messengers live a radical life of acrobatics, explosions, crashes, and Xtreme Basic Mail Delivery. They are the messengers of the world, constantly surrounded in a city full of cars that can crush their delicate, supple bodies.

Hang ten, gnarly dude, etc. Shop at Whole Foods, save money

Then Joe Gordon Fisherman, who plays Wilee (no shit), jumps in and says No Stopping 4 No Nothing Ever, as he gets killed 11 consecutive times by the same cab driver, at different times of the day. This part requires several viewings because the first time you watch, you're too busy making your mouth smile over it's Xtreme Stupidosity.

Here's your boy, smiling like a peeimp. Died 8 times

Then the girl is like You must deliver these pieces of paper or else we’re all dead.

All crime felons send their ransom notes and million dollar computer chips through Lil' Quickie Fixie Bike Messengers.

And Wilee is like Yeah yeah shut up my itunes are on right now! There’s this one song playing by a cool new york hip band called Yeah Am I Singing This Right, Okay?

Later on, this one guy goes up to the main actor and is like Give me that envelope, kid!! And J. Gordon Wilee says Hey, once its grabbed, its in the bag. By the way you can call me Bro-J, kinda like the actor who stole all that sports memorabilia, which is what he's famous for.

Here's a picture of that exchange:

Both wimps

But wait!

SPINNED!

Wilee proceeds to do a fairly kickass 720 spin off the dude’s nose!!!! Then, the guy goes straight into his Curly-getting-mad dance and screams: Do you know who I am, don't you want to know who I am, why I ought to! He continues with this for about 10 minutes, and then picks up an overweight hammer, which makes him fall backwards into a pothole cause he can't lift it, it's so heavy. Moe comes in and goes "Eyaah eyaah eyaah!" while he has Larry's nose scheduled to do a magic trick in his fist at the current time.

BIKE MOVES DONE BY JOSEPH GORDON WILSON PHILLIPS IN THE PREVIEW:

1. Stomp180 - It's like that thing when you have to diss someone but the best way to do it is just by stomping hard on your front circle. After that, roll your eyes a full 180 degrees, backwards, so they know that they look like a real sloppy chump. More of a parlor trick than a bike move, but whatever!

2. Under/Over Water 'n Potatoes, Jr. - Self-explanatory.

3. The Crabby Hangman - Mid-spin nap attack! Get grumpy and loud near the end.

FAULTS:

This preview needs to watch Real World: Seattle and get back to me.

PLUS SIDES:

Pretty funny hit in the balls joke told by this girl.

Reverse Sister Act

noreply@blogger.com (David Whited) — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 20:59:00 +0000

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review.

Take a deep knee bend after watching and let that preview settle on you like exploded vacuum cleaner dust. So, Hi this is a great preview for anyone who has ever loved a movie about choirs, which is most people, but it's also a great movie for cop/buddy comedy film fans. Dollbabies Parton is the secret star of this and Her Majesty Queen Tifah is also the star but villain quite possibly. She is channeling Ursula from Lil' Mermaid seems like.

It all started when the guy from the Final Destination 5 preview who has an answer for everything, the know-it-all, gets fresh with Dolly Parton.

Girl, I will kiss you if you let me

Get real, twink

And now here is where the plot starts.

Whoopi and Dolly are like two best friends just trying to work it out violently, to determine who be in charge of the most boring choir in the world.

Clearly, the choir has good voices at the beginning, which made the writer for this movie forget about how plots work. So, all of the sudden the entire choir tromps onto a stage and everyone in the audience boos them relentlessly with their polite stares. The audience is like Huh?

Dolly then says allow me to introduce you to my boyfriend and grandson, Bruno Mars and his friends The Show Called Glee, respectively. Later on, Bruno Mars gets the Main Girl, Whoopi's son, pregnant. Now his name is Boner, from Growing Pains.

I got some serious hoop dreams for this sing song club, Main Girl.

Those eyebrows look like smeared caterpillars.

What a cute couple!

Main Girl talks: “Mama, just give me a chance to marry my new boyfriend and I’ll show you how many talent contests I can win! I GOTTA FOLLOW MY DREAMS THAT I HAVE HAD FOR ALMOST 2 YEARS NOW!!!!”

And Whoopi says, in lowercase...

“your daddy got eaten baby and i am not gonna let my only child get eaten!
you can’t marry that boy and you can’t go to hollywood.”

Main Girl goes...


Awww, MOM

Boner, who can't plead his case to save his life, just goes...

Pleeeeeeease!

What a Dip Shit.

Hello. Dolly squeaks from the corner, “YOU CAN GO TO DOLLYWOOD THOUGH!”

Golly goyful hoggie bombs!

Dolly says Hit it boys! over and over and she puts on her pointy Christmas tree lettuce hair and wraps her curtains around her. Then they sing a rap version of How Great Thou Art while she snaps at the air.

5 snaps makes a Z

There’s a cooking montage where Queeny and Dolly are throwing flour around and they both are reminiscing about both being in movies about hair salons together. Woof, sentence was tedious.

FAULTS:

Ripley's Believe it or Not Elizabethan waist brings sadness to you.

PLUS SIDES:

This preview has a shit ton of songs.

Songs include michael jackson, and lady gaga and boyance and phil collins and too short and kidz bopz and now that’s what i call badonkie-bumps and all kinds of recent music that your kids will love for ever and ever.

Oprah got her wig split

Dear the 90s

noreply@blogger.com (David Whited) — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 05:44:00 +0000

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. Review after the jump.

Attention Feminists!

Here you go, women. A movie, finally, just for you! The preview you just saw is called Dear the 90s. It’s important that all the women out there know about the 90s, for your own sake!

In the beginning, Craig, the Craigster (making copies), tells the human sea horse version of Murphy Brown the time, and she wakes up and complains about her life, like we care.

Next of all, Murphy Brown says, and I quote, As a mother, I am in charge and my husband is a craplord that doesn’t do any of the milking around here!

Girl, you sleepy! Honk shoooo, Honk shoooo, Honk shoooo

All the husbands in this preview don’t raise their children because this is the 50s AND the 90s. Here is Dear God, speaking his tongues, all lazy-like.

Lucy, you got some splaining to do

The men keep forgetting their own child's name, and even Seth Myers is so doofus dum-dum that he thinks twins equals zero children! He hasn’t seen them in weeks. What a lout!

My babies equal nothing.

Corporate women named Carrie Bradshaw are always running in hi-heels, screaming and crying frantically. Sound familiar, ladies? LOL! So, after eleven or so meltdowns, Alley McBeal has to talk to Frasier Krang about her boobs.

She also shows her haunches to Fierce Brosman (ex-James Bong hottie) because they don’t have videophones in the 90s and she is surprised by the new technology, and so falls to the ground a number of times as a result.

I still remember your hind quarters from yesterday.

ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Then the record scratches and all the women from Sex and the City’s daughters show up and they are like Girrrrrrl How do you do it, who are you, what's your name, and stuff like that. There's red, the blonde, and black hair girl too!

Girrrl, frippa dippa down town! I'm talkin' bout a good old fashion fumpa dumpa hoo hoo!

Murphy says, Oh it’s fine I just do my best I guess! I’m drowning, but don’t worry I’ll never kill my children and husband tonight!

Then she accidentally dumps baby powder on the souffle and has to swiffer mop it while she’s combing nits out of her nasty scalp.

Huh-uh! Girl, you nasty

In the end, she says her family is her whole life and jobs are less than important when it comes to personal identity...

But don't tell Frasier Krang that, cause he'll knock her on her ass!

PLUS SIDES:

How Do She Do This Starring Tyler Perry

FAULTS:

The part where the babysitter shrugs makes me want to peel that babysitter’s skin off.

I chopped your baby's fur

The Grumpy Robots

noreply@blogger.com (David Whited) — Tue, 13 Sep 2011 19:29:00 +0000

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. Review after the jump.

In this preview Wolvee gets back into fighting for once. He is a punching guru that sucks at fighting in the alley, but rules at pretend fighting the air while a robot does all the real fighting next door to him.

weird sneeze

wax on

John Locke from Lost plays a girl in this preview, to show his acting chops.

We must press the button...on the robot... robot in a hatch? I don't...Where is the smoke.

AACTINGGGAAAAAAAAAAA

John and Wolvee have their weekly make-out sesh, and that’s when John’s bratty kid comes in, covered in mud, screeching about robots.

I want to give birth to a robo-bot.

The muddy child throws Jack Human’s keys downt the well and Jack gets pissed off.

drop her downt

After Jack allows a robot to wail on the kid out of revenge, they go to Radio Shack storage garage of the future, and look through all the toaster cadavers. Then they uncover something on the mud floor and they realize that a big robot grave is right under there, of course! So the kid sticks his grubby hands in the robot's mouf.

love at first bite.

They drag iron giant’s rotted body in a wagon down the street like a goddamn corpse parade and then mud baby decides to hose him off. At that point, you can tell that he is in love with his new transformer and can’t wait to see its head get smashed in. They named it The Robot Friendbert B. Sputter Chump, Adam for short.

here you go, rusty, eat my waters.

Now they have to go to the applestore and buy the robot iPunch so it can be upgraded to be a lean mean fighting machine n’ grille. Also, they have to show it how to dress up in clothes and say slang words so it fits in at school. They make it watch hours of TV so it learns how to dance for the prom.

Milla Jojovich reprises her role from Fifth Element to mentor the robot on how to learn human culture, and says shit like bahtzubaht, like, a lot. Then Nell comes in and says Fro' tye Maw waw wi'a Law, Nell done come lone, and the crowd goes bonkers.

NELLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friendbert learns how to do the hip thrust dance and does a hula hoop motion while he drags his knuckles on the ground like an ape.

At the end of the preview, Adam break-dances and they use his clumsiness in his favor! Turns out his dancing ends up killing everyone in the room. It’s a putrid bloodbath of severed heads and arms, the walls spattered with human gore and insides. But it’s done tastefully.

FAULTS:
Wolvee is always on his cell phone and ignoring Anakin, how wude.

PLUS SIDES:
Jack Human does several impressions of John Kerry's Rubberface routine.

hhhhhhhhh

iiiiiiiii?

gabba gabba hey!

The Shoot 'Em Up Windows

noreply@blogger.com (David Whited) — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 21:17:00 +0000

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. Review after the jump.

This preview is based on a real true story called The Shoot ‘Em Up Windows.

Somehow

Every window in this preview gets killed.

Fragged!

Headshot!

Pwnd!

And truth is stranger than fiction, which you can tell by how many times it takes to watch this preview before understanding anything at all.

By 24 seconds in, MTV has taken over directing this preview. Lots of incredibly fast cuts so you don’t see how old everyone is or who anyone is or how all the characters are tied together.

Here comes Crank, a real Frank N. Stein, acting like a Classic Red Ass, natch. Fuggetaboutit.

Crankystein

Robert Dinero plays a Focker again, since he knows his fans don’t care that he plays the same role in every movie preview, cause they dum-dums. Except in the Osmosis Jones preview where he plays a gay shark, and in the Flawless preview where he plays a flawless-looking Michael Caine with a lisp.

Focker w/gun, his natural state

Finally Clive, the Hunk, steps in and says enough with the violence already! He is sitting at a conference table with all the other important white men, and they roll stray, high-caliber bullets around like checkers ‘n coins, which is a game old guys play when they’re bored at each other.

Checker mate. I'm bored.

Crank, the idiot, plays Dinero’s son, and is threatening to steal Hunk’s job from him. Hunk is like, look fella, I kidnapped your grandpa Robert Dinero to teach you a lesson and basically I will end his life so crazily that you’ll have to glue his bones back together to make it look like a person again for the funeral photos. Then he sends him a reference photo of pureed tomato sauce to really get the point across, which rhymes.

Funeral jpeg

Turkish shows up and starts talkin’ with marbles in his mouth. He says, “Hear viss numba alright and we’ve netta formidda INDA rivfffvvvvvvv rizza! bumma affidavit for this, yeah?”

Turkish

Then punch punch punch, punch punch. Hunk points his gun everywhere, always as a gorgeous curl meanders lazily down the side of his indefectible face, and his sloppy mustache drips into his goddamn mouth.

Hunk splats some Karo syrup on Crank’s face, which is still perfectly 5 o’clock-shadowed from all the other previews he’s been in! Then Crank gets his butt all caught in a sticky chair...

...Rubber prop sticky chair, seatless model...

...before jumping out of a Movie Glass window without hesitation (killing it in the process),

Noob window!

...as if he knows there’s a giant box truck placed conveniently underneath to take the chair off for him!

Frogger Fail

Before the end of the preview happens, you’re like “Where's the money,” cause you knew this preview was missing the metal-briefcase-filled-with-stacks-of-bills thing, but you couldn’t put your finger on it.

Here it is.

Text 909209 to vote for the winner!

Dolphin Junk

noreply@blogger.com (David Whited) — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 04:05:00 +0000

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. Review after the jump.

Mmmk, first off, Cold Play’s music starts playing, so you know this is going to be good. Norman Freeman’s voice is telling us some things. He explains that the earth is evolving and things are totally lame most of the time. But unless you find a used-up Dolphin on the goddamn ground, your life is going to be hopeless and ordinary.

Recycled dolphin rope

Child Clay Aiken, a total fruitcake, is out for his morning jog on the beach, and he sees the animatronic Dolphin getting sand in its eyes. So the kid goes up to the Dolphin and shakes his hand and stuff, but notices a peculiarity. After staring at the problem for an hour, he finally is able to take the lobster trap off the dude’s Snout, thank God, cause PETA is watching.

Enter my favorite actor, the sheriff of the Marine Animal Stranding Team (M.A.S.T.), which sounds a little bit fake! I forget his name, but he was in the Copycat preview back in, like, 1975.

So he comes in all harried and panicky and tries to CPR the Dolphin, but it’s no use: He can’t kill it.

It survived...

The guards at M.A.S.T. order the Dolphin, called Hazelnuts, to swim around and survive in an above-ground swimming pool, which would be courageous enough as it is, if Harry Junior didn’t go pee-pee in it first.

Pouring pee-pee

Hellish armed guard, very oppressive

Baby Aiken and the guards set up a blind date between the dolphin manager and Norman Freeman. They are seeking advice on how to strap a prosthetic leg on the Dolphin’s butt, which is great because Norman is the world’s leading expert on Extra Dolphin Legs.

Norman's eyelids are lined with Kennedy coins

He puts the prosthetic together with mid-century modern, teak salad tongs that go for, like, a ton on eBay.


Steampunk Etsy prosthesis

After that, about 11 more adults show up and start talking about how kids should go to school and stop trying to save dolphins.

Then a man shows up that has a brace on his leg and touches the dolphin’s mouf as a way of absorbing its healing powers probably. Turns out, he is the one that chomped off the doggie’s fin in order to put it on his own foot. So, there's that.

There’s a little girl in this preview who has a sister named Ashley Judd, a shit-for-brains.

She cries a lot, the big baby.

Guuurgle

bbbbplllllrrrr

rraaaaahhhhh

It looks like Ashley Judd and Harry Junior will most definitely dislike each other at first, but then they will you-know-what in the last scene, wink-wink, have sex! LOL.

LOL!

So anyway, an ancient wise man tells Harry Junior that Hazelnuts means a lot to this town, like as if he didn’t know that already! Then a hurricane comes in and blows out the power, which means Hazelnuts’ water filtration system will break and you’re supposed to think he’s going to die, but the problem is very very short-lived because this preview is by the same people who brought you the Blind Side, fercripessakes.

It'll be alright, idiots! In case you were worried!

There’s a lot of songs about Soul Sisters in this preview and lots of music that sounds like big cymbal crashes and long, held out notes that make your heart soar and your ears sore. None of the adults really care about saving the animal because they are busy, but kids are the True Heroes who teach all the adults how to love a manx dolphin.

Manx

Then the boy proposes to the Dolphin since they are best friends.

And then he falls downt into the water, the fruitcake.

LOL!

Eddie Murphy and the Dummies

noreply@blogger.com (Michaelanne Petrella) — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 02:09:00 +0000

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. Review after the jump.

This movie is called Eddie Murphy and the Dummies. It is the same plot as Trading Places.

Kernal Klinger from MASH plays Bernie Maff, the guy who got caught a couple years ago stealing wallets from rich people and giving them to other rich people. What a Robert Hoodlum.

Why I ought to!

Ben Stiller, the old hoss, finds out about it on account of him working at a hotel with a coupla other Nancies who don’t know shit about anything, stealing included! The Nancies are Ferris Bueller and Ben Afflack’s Brother. They all used to run a daycare center together in a previous movie I think.

Mommy Daycare

Baby Daycare


Andy Capp Hot Fries

So the Good Guys have a secret meeting and get mad and all-stewed-up while Klinger swims in his Dollar Bill Pool, but they freely gave all their money to the rich old guy like idiots, so why are they complaining. They decide that its time that they steal back all the money that they invested because they believe in wealth redistribution whenever they get broke, but believe in capitalism whenever they are doing well financially. (There is a ton of political subtext in this film.)

We openly declare that their ends can be attained only by the forcible overthrow of all existing social conditions. Let the ruling classes tremble at a Communist revolution. The proletarians have nothing to lose but their chains. Let's go physically overpower a senior citizen on the roof.

When we get rich, fuggetaboutit.

They want to kill Bernie for his money, but the main problem is the hotel they work at is loaded with booby traps, which is where Bernie is vacationing, so it’ll be hard to commit murder on him. Enter Eddie Murphy. Remember him? From the title? They need an assassin, so fast forward to Ben Stiller paying Murphy’s rent for him in jail. Here's their conversation, verbatim.

Murphy's like:

Who Are You.

Stiller goes:

Don't You Remember Me.

Murphy says:

Are You Trying To Steal Twenty Million Dollars and Kill a Man.

Stiller's all:

Yes.

So, some other junk happens like they commit several felonies and talk in the snow on the roof. Murphy prepares them for War and they place War Paint upon their bodies.

Next of all, Precious, whom I keep accidentally calling “Previous” because I am typing this fast. Previous comes in and has the worst Jamaican accent I’ve ever heard. Including Eddie Murphy’s accent. Which is also Jamaican.

Irie, mon.

Ben Afflack and the woman from the The Family Man preview probably end up getting married toward the end and then they all jump into that pool from before that’s shaped like money.


Ay. I'm gonna marry ya, see.

Ain’t No Mountain High Enough plays at full blast and the credits roll next to a blooper reel of Precious and Eddie Murphy aggressively flirting. Everyone screams and howls at the joke of the idea of a woman like Precious being an object of affection.

Then Ben Stiller falls down hard on the ground and looks like he’s having an instant nightmare.

Nude @ school

FAULTS:

Turns out, the characters keep accidentally slipping back into their old characters’ personae and it gets really difficult to remember what movie you are watching.

PLUS SIDES:

There is a dance sequence where Ben Stiller is dressed up like a dance instructor because that is part of the heist plan. Lots of costume changes where people wear glasses and look completely different. Eddie Murphy plays all the characters.

The Invisible Scaries

noreply@blogger.com (Michaelanne Petrella) — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 01:20:00 +0000

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. Review after the jump.

Starbucks fans rejoice! You get to see some new letters.

The city: London & Moscow and some others. Where the Guys take all the Girls out to the club where a bunch of models are dancing and taking very high-quality Internet social media pictures of each other. That’s where the fun ends! Cause then all the lights go off and we, the viewers, have to look at a blank screen for, like, ever, wasting our lives.

Oh, Hell Na

5 baby teenagers are drinkin’ the blues away, and I think it is implied that the flash on the camera caused it. But then you’re supposed to realize that bunch of laser beams start to float down from outer-space. The jellyfish fall from the sky and then the lights go back on (?), and the guy on the radio goes “Huh? This sucks,” which is the viewer’s cue to go “Oh, hell naw.” Glass turns into water when it shatters and Cops turn into shattered Oreos. Even the cop’s “William Club” crumbles into the wind during this phase. Then all the lights go off again! This preview is confusing!

RIP Willam

People start to get shredded by the sound of connecting to AOL. Okay, it turns out there are a whole bunch of invisible scaries who want to look at humans’ muscles through Predator eyes. They have Phase 1 called Take Whatever We Want. They got Phase 2 called Eat Lightbulbs. Phase 3 is called Turn the Dogs Into Spiral Graph Dust.

So, natch, the drunk teens start to kill the jellyfish by using regular ghostbuster guns.

Here are the ways they kill the Scaries: 1) Put a lightbulb on the ground. 2) Shoot an unwieldy gun. That’s pretty much it!

Faults:
Too many shots of human innards.

Energy meats.

Too many main characters. 5 is too many. It just means that 4 will die and the main guy will scream at the jellyfish and use some sort of horrible phrase like “this is for that dog...(get cut off by sound of proton streams crossing.)

Plus Sides:
Cop Cars are good for wigglin’ under when you are together with your man!

The Hook Up Deal

noreply@blogger.com (Michaelanne Petrella) — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 22:58:00 +0000

Alt. Titles: Friends With Benefits, FWB, Friends Without Borders, We’re Practically Not Dating

Starring: Miley Kunis, Justin Tumblerlake

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. Review after the jump.

Whoa, cool! This one starts with a bang cause there’s a wolf howling on the soundtrack. Mila Konehead is pissed because the guy from the Hot Rod preview is dumping her, and the red girl breaks the heart of Timberlake-- but no hell breaks loose AT ALL, which is boring. JT just makes a few noises and grumbles his way home.

Now we shall stop dating.

uuuuooohhggrrrmmmmm

whoo????

Then the Main Characters start to bitch at one another about their opposite sex issues like weaklings.

They are at a breakfast house and they are gnashing their teeth on some corn or something and they both make a joke about their crippling human conditions. At this point you can tell that Konehead would like to feel dead inside. Timberwolves agrees to this and applauds her lifeless eyes.

Adam Sandler told me I been dump'd.

What’s cool about this is that they make a pact and swear to the iPad, because in 5 years, that won’t be an embarrassing reference. THEN, here is where the HOT stuff happens: they “shake hands.”

Sweet 'pad ref.

Afterwards, the old lady comes in and touches Justin’s private torso area, then makes a joke about how they feel like a woman’s? I’m confused by this part, someone explain.

Your body is a woman's body.

Woody from Cheers shaves three bald patches into his egg and makes gay jokes about his own realistic-sounding gay sexual orientation. He shows Justin how to love again. This is followed by the yellow haired lady from the Krippendorf’s Tribe preview showing Konehead the pictures of Justin’s braidhorns.

"Queerly, I am gay." - Woody 1951-2011

Then Konehead finds out JT loves rapping rap songs and bobbing his head like a little goose.

Hottie goose wobble like a chicken.

Then Justin belches raps out of his face in order to woo her back from the brink of neutered affection. Konehead agrees with his raps and asks him to sing directly into her mouth and then later on they do a cool-guy chest bump.

Miley struggles to keep all her barf in as he sings into her mouth.

Faults:

Chest bump dumb. Don’t even watch that part at all.

This is the longest Aeropostale commercial I’ve ever seen.

Konehead doesn’t have any lines in this preview. She just stares like a wild mantis into JT’s under garments.

Plus Sides (with SPOILER ALERTS):

Koneysauce forgets that she has death on her breath and decides to love a curly haired goof-em-up! Unfortunately, there is a really sad ending called Miley commits suicide.

Spoiled Alert: Miley Konehead jumps to her death.

Footloose (re-do)

noreply@blogger.com (Michaelanne Petrella) — Fri, 26 Aug 2011 01:51:00 +0000

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. Review after the jump.

This preview starts off with a rock n roll song and then a bus crash happens, which makes the viewer depressed cause all the car trash is all over the ground. This old idiot comes on the screen and talks about how sad he is, followed by a judge who determines that there’s no dancing allowed anywhere in Bomont Proper.

Bomont and future bus explosion candidate

One of the main guys, called The Dad, has a daughter, named Footloose, and she is just not gonna take it anymore.

Miley Cyrus is pissed at Dad.

Then the sun rises and Kiss Me by Natalie Ambrosia plays on the soundtrack. The guy, REN, comes to town and wears all sorts of neckties and always says “Move over, I got this” to people, then he stomps the yard real good.

Footloose thinks Ren’s cute, Ren meets a guy who says he talks funny, Willard, he asks Willard about Footloose and what kinda things she’s into and who is Dad and what is Williard's name again and so on. After about an hour of hand shaking, and re-introductions, Ren finally meets up with even more characters that need to be introduced. So, Willard and Kevin Bacon become really good friends even though they kinda wanna fight each other but end up dancing several times in the hall.

Your voice sounds like shit.

Which one are you again?

Act III begins with a rap song, and things get up-to-date real quick. People do spins and flip-kicks. Kevin Bacon makes his body back-flip off a Toyota Tacoma! Then, he gets a brand new Volkswagon Bug and the gas pedal doesn’t exist on the car, so that makes the needle on the record player kinda scratch and you’re supposed to think that sucks.

Sike, turns out it's a nast old uggo car.

The Dad (Randy Quinn) is a real drag to his daughter and says he’s “heard he’s trouble,” which is foreshadowance. In the original movie, John Lithgow kills Ren so I think that’s what they mean here in this movie. I think Kiss Me plays again at this point, but I can’t remember.

Kiss Me is playing for the fourth time.

Faults:

Ren confronts the judges and then there’s a montage of a train and some explosions.

During the "bus-off", so many bus explosions occur that they have to cut to a guy smashing a window with a crowbar just to break up the monotony of how many buses explode.

Plus Sides:
Lots of good moral lessons. Turns out a couple years ago, after a barn dance, some dumb kids got their car split down the middle on the highway. After their heads got crushed and cracked on the pavement, they made a shrine at the school to remind everyone how soft human heads are. The Dad doesn’t want Footloose to lose her noodle all over the pavement.

SPOILER ALERT: FOOTLOOSE DIES AT THE END

Overall, this film looks like a good warning against dancing. Because, clearly, it was dancing that killed those teens those many years ago, and not drunk driving.

Let's go see this movie now okay!

Final Destination 5

noreply@blogger.com (Michaelanne Petrella) — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 21:53:00 +0000

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. Review after the jump.

First, it’s important to know that mW’s are a tricky thing. Exceeding them above 5.0 makes it so your eyebulb goes splat.

Now, of course, the machine needs to go up that high in case the doctor runs into a real tough eye that doesn’t take well to laser beams, and has to be right back so he can talk at his person helping him.
Leaving a person’s eye clamped open is a regular doctor move and causes the teddy bear to fall on the ground. Just to be clear.

This movie looks like it stars the old sage black guy who I think I’ve seen before in some sort of horror movie, also stars Todd Packer, and a bunch of young white people who we’ll never ever see again in any other Hollywood production, probably. And there is a second black guy who is the detective or something and he says “There’s an answer for everything.”

One of these guys seems to have wisdom about death and Final Destination movies. This is very crucial to keeping within the character stereotypes that are softly offensive. There is also a lot of good female typing. Did you know that all females above the age of 25 carry teddy bears to doctor’s offices? Final Destination got it down pat on this one.

Teddy Bear, yall got dropped to death.

Here is where Todd Packer dies from oil face at minute 1:14.

This is important to note, because as it turns out (spoiler alert!) he is alive and standing behind the scared guy’s reaction shot, just a mere fraction of a second later. This is to show the unpredictable nature of death.

a-tack.

And then later on we get to see a (possible) death by thumbtack on the balance beam (minute 1:25) and then a (possible) death by dish washing tub cause the guy knocked her over and it kinda fell on her.

tub

This preview talks about all sorts of ways that a person dies when they are just sitting still. Toward the end, there is an implication that flimsy accu-weather needles can stab through a person chest bones, and pierce their organs and internal supple bodies. Believe it or not, this really does kill thousands of people a day. Please donate to needle survivors fund at the bottom of your screen.

Text Needle Death to 299201

Faults:

Harry Potter looking “August” explodes at the end, which takes you out of the reality of the film preview.

Bridge falls a part and is put back together in the next shot i think. Continuity error alert!

Doctor gets an incomplete file from nurse. Fake.

hold on BRB

Plus Side:

Got that Blackish, Greenish, Redish, chrome going on in the film’s coloring. Gives it a nice antique Matrix feel.

ALL IN ALL, A GREAT MOVIE THAT I'M GONNA SEE NEXT WEEK, PROBBY.