Predator Press

Hors d’Oeuvres of Magnitude

2026-02-07T23:40:00.000-06:00

LOBO -Predator Press

Marshmallow

2026-01-16T09:32:00.003-06:00

LOBO -Predator Press

If there's one thing in this life I've nailed, i'ts sleep.

Imagine the biggest bed with countless pillows and blankets. During the summer, sure, you'll catch me because the twin industrial fans are on. But during the winter it gets more complex. Wendy once thought I was in the Marshmallow until I came home from work.

Look for chilled waterbottles on the nightstand.

Kintsugi

2025-06-23T00:38:00.003-05:00

LOBO -Predator Press

"What is wrong with my eye?" I ask. "Is it cancer?"

"I think you got soap in it" Wendy replies.

"We will have to postpone the heist," I conclude.

"Wait," she says. "You were serious about that?"

"Um yeah," I says. "And I can't carry that thing down the stairs by myself."

Speakaboo

2025-06-20T03:20:00.004-05:00

LOBO -Predator Press

She has the most beautiful smile I have ever seen.

"I need you and all your employees to melt down your lucite pumps for some non-magetic Allen wrenches and a big-ass hammer."

"Excuse me?" she says.

"MRIs are like a million daollars" I says. "I doubt any of us have insurance."

She contemplastes this.

"Okay I will get busy."

A Different Kind of Monster

2025-06-16T05:02:00.001-05:00

LOBO -Predator Press

Internet Swag

2025-06-05T12:09:00.002-05:00

LOBO -Predator Press

Internet Swag

2025-05-25T03:25:00.001-05:00

LOBO -Predator Press

The Humble Flesh

2025-05-22T06:08:00.005-05:00

LOBO -Predator Press

>

Invisible Bones

2025-05-22T05:16:00.003-05:00
LOBO -Predator Press

The Probably Knot

2025-05-18T11:41:00.001-05:00
LOBO -Predator Press

Internet Swag

2025-05-10T07:59:00.000-05:00
LOBO -Predator Press

That Pretty Part of Poison

2024-07-31T04:43:00.010-05:00

LOBO -Predator Press

"I can't believe the woman giving the MRI was flirting with you right in front of me," Wendy growled.

"Oh don't be silly," I says. "Although the idea of free MRIs has some appeal."

"What?"

"Free MRIs," I ponder aloud. "And I could sell them to friends for like fifty bucks apiece." I shrug. "I would dump you in a hot second."

Wendy scowls.

"I'm kidding sweetheart," I says, tenderly grabbing her hands. "I'm not a monster. We should just steal it."

Internet Swag

2024-03-04T01:43:00.008-06:00
LOBO -Predator Press

Happily Ever Aftermath

2023-12-01T00:03:00.011-06:00

LOBO -Predator Press

"I know you're frustrated an pissed. I was there last year. Yellin at my students, takin pictures of graveyards, kickin the Dean upside down ... been there, done that.
So first, I want to thank you for being the fightiest fighter in the fight.Second, the CliffsNotes version of a thesaurus isn't a very good value. The lack of an apostrophe should have been a dead giveaway.Third, I really hope you come back next year. It will effect my decision on whether to fold the fantasy football league or hand it off .

We've been doing this for over a decade. C'mon man ... you know next year opening season you will be all gussied up in stolen fingerpaint with no place to go, smacking school kids upside the head for smoking in the bathroom and their portrayals of you on You Tube. And then you start reading the comments, and POW! You just go kablooey -literally explode.I can't live with the guilt of you leaving your lovely wife with nothing but all that ruined furniture. She could probably save the monitor with a little Windex and elbow grease, but I'm pretty sure the keyboard is f*cked.
So ya, I am begging you to stick around. How we educate our children will dictate our future generations. Childrens are the FUTURE. Also, I bet that furniture was expensive.

Realistically, robots are the future ... our children are just tools to fix the robots.
I'm glad we cleared this up.

-LOBO"

I Preferred the Quarantine

2023-05-22T02:32:00.000-05:00
LOBO -Predator Press

"Can you sign it, 'To LOBO, the greatest athlete on Earth. He taught me everything I know, and is the Gofather of my children'?"

"This is a baseball," Tom Brady points out.

"A Bedazzled baseball," I correct.

I, Robot. Robot Robot

2023-04-12T03:26:00.001-05:00
LOBO -Predator Press

"Would you please stop doing 'The Robot'?" asks Wendy.

"Couldn't even wait for my breakdance finale?" I frustratedly sigh, gathering up the cardboard. "I don't think we are right for each other."

Part I: A Leave of Abstenance

2023-03-31T03:56:00.009-05:00
LOBO -Predator Press

[*wrrrrrr*]

I got bored so fast, I daydreamed about smashing the thing.

"We need to meet corporate blah, blah, before corporate blah blah ..."

[*wrrrrrrr*]

-Fucker has a USB charged self-stirring coffee cup.

Now that you are all caught up, I never liked this man.

And all that follows is inadmissible in court:

***

"His body parts were EVERYWHERE" I told the cops ... "Ihe blood splashed all over my hands!"

"Are you black?" he asks.

"No," I says. "I don't think so."

"Can you help us identify a suspect?" he replied, putting his gun away.

"Let me look around and touch everything."

I searched everything, ...SO many shovels, and goddamn those knives were sharp.

"There are a lot of items with bloody fingerprints in here." I conclude.

"Indeed," the cops replied, scratching their chins. "Ma'am ..."

"Wendy," she replies.

"You witnessed it all?

"No. I was trying to get blood and teeth out of LOBO's hair at the time."

"So you are his alibi?"

"No. I was trying to get blood and teeth out of his hair at the time."

"Was he ever black?"

"Like the Metallica Album?"

The cops put their notebooks away. "We don't need sarcasm, miss."

"I would argue you do," I yell from the back seat.

"LOBO probably killed him," Wendy shrugged.

"Ha!" I says, gnawing at my handcuffs. "Probably! This is a wrongful arrest when you consider all the reasonable doubt!"

"That is horrible for your teeth," the cops explain. "Are you black?"

"I don't think so" I says.

As the cops release my handcuffs, they add "There is no excuse for shoddy dental care."

"See?" Wendy demands.

"This is no time for facts," I says. "We have a crime to solve."

Wed Redding

2023-02-24T00:34:00.000-06:00

LOBO -Predator Press

"Look" I says. "Divorce is extremely likely. People have been marrying for hundreds of years, and Humanity still hasn't cracked the code."

I grab her hands. "I promise you. If science ever figures out why people get married, I will get good at science."

Don't. Don't You Want me.

2022-03-17T06:14:00.006-05:00
LOBO -Predator Press

One Could Hope

2022-03-03T10:57:00.001-06:00
LOBO -Predator Press

Happily Ever Aftershocks

2022-01-03T04:11:00.014-06:00

LOBO -Predator Press

So ya, I guess I owe it to the millions and millions of readers who are always asking me evey day "What ever happened to LOBO?"

And to a lesser degree, "... and Wendy?"

Wendy and I had an amazing Christmas ... dancing in the cool moonlight listening to Tychovski, and admiring the beauty of fresh snow under bright stars. But sometime around 7:15am, relatives showed up and gave us Covid.

So we had a solid 3-4 hours of joy and cheer, but all the new January and February murders got bumped down the schedule: frozen ground is too hard to dig inconspicuous shallow graves in. And due to the spike in demand, many of these holiday murders will have to be pushed back until April ... possibly even May!

[*sigh*] I know. Same as last year.

Our New Year's Resolution is to get more cardio.

Malibu

2021-11-15T10:46:00.005-06:00

LOBO -Predator Press

Pocket Full of Posies

2021-09-14T10:16:00.004-05:00

LOBO -Predator Press

Just started my first vacation in a decade, and OMG I am soooo bored.

Expect some short stories.

:)

Emperor Erroneous

2021-05-04T06:03:00.028-05:00

LOBO -Predator Press

"Well congratulations," says says Gina, looking up from her newspaper.

The idea of a Google employee reading a newspaper always cracks me up.

"For what?" In a bathrobe, I'm just trying to get an iced coffee.

"Wendy told us you proposed to her."

Goddamit I need to get my own refrigerator upstairs.

Wincing and scratching my eyebrow, I reply "We had a conversation about getting married. It was purely academic I thought."

I've been awake eight seconds, and I'm already in a death roll.

"We were all surprised too," she shrugged.

"I hate marriage," I explain, holding my head. "I give up my job, friends, family, home, pets, car, sex, and all worldly possessions that don't fit in a backpack." I surmise. "And there is way too much yelling."

"You're exaggerating" she says. "You've been dating her for, like, five years. She definitely loves you."

"Wendy is the first person I've dated since the divorce," I admit. "Do I want her to turn into a vile screaming jealous lying hypocrite adulterous racist psycho-shrew proliferating computer malware already? No. I think we are doing just fine as we are."

I twist the coffee cap off with a satisfying "pop" sound.

"I actually kinda like her," I elaborate. "Why rush it?"

MAMBA

2021-04-10T14:51:00.005-05:00

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Millions and millions of readers are always asking me every day, "LOBO, where are you at with current day politics?"

I have founded the "Make America More Boring Again" party, aka MAMBA.

We promise to do absolutely nothing. All you need is footie pajamas.

Nancy Pelosi tucks us in after milk and cookies.