Preshrunk

The Video Game of Thrones

Steve Beaudry — Thu, 24 Aug 2017 10:13:58 +0000

In the game of thrones, you either win or you fall into a gap in the ground. I feel like this is basically what the "Beyond the Wall" episode was like. They weren't all Night Watch, but they all walked along the ice and faced Wights like they were video game baddies. And they even had gaps in the ground to fall in. Ya know what, this is something I hadn't considered before. Maybe Game of Thrones would make a good video game. The princess is always in another castle. The baddies go down easily with certain weapons but are otherwise unkillable. Or maybe it's only good enough to make a smarmy reference on an obscure T-shirt. Who knows. In either case, that T-shirt exists! Go get it!

$19.99 | URL | Paypal Credit | S - 5XL

Welcome to Tatooine

Steve Beaudry — Wed, 23 Aug 2017 10:32:28 +0000

If you're looking for a good place to visit, consider Tatooine! We have sand, cantinas, sand, moisture farms, sand, blue milk, sand, and more sand, and, oh, Sand People! When you come to Tatooine you'll marvel at our two suns, and enjoy the three months of no night when one sun rises as the other falls! Be sure you have an underground dwelling so that you can create your own night to sleep in. That's important. Humans aren't meant to live without night. Why would you ever come to Tatooine?

$14 | URL | Paypal Credit | S - 3XL

Thor's Pain Schedule Reports

Steve Beaudry — Tue, 22 Aug 2017 10:17:20 +0000

As a man of business, Thor needs to get all his reports in on time so that he can evaluate the most profitable way forward for him and the whole Avengers team. He needs to know how much pain he can handle, as a god, before he has to take some time to relax. So he has everyone fill out Thor's Pain Schedule reports. These TPS reports log every hour and every minute that Thor has experienced pain. Thor does not like filling them out. He feels like he has to fill more of them out than anyone else. And he's not the best at typing. Fat fingers, and all. This T-shirt immortalizes this Avengers office fantasy perfectly.

$18 | URL | Paypal Credit | S - 5XL

The Galaxy's Greatest Detective

Steve Beaudry — Thu, 17 Aug 2017 11:06:37 +0000

Vader really is the galaxy's greatest detective because he kills anyone who doesn't give him the answers he wants. Just watching him walk up to you, pipe in face mask, fire in his eyes, intimidates you into giving away who the murderer on Cherry St. is. Also, his Force sensitivity is greater than anyone else's. He can just sense if the killer is hiding in the cupboard under the staircase. He doesn't even have to look. He'll hold his lightsaber up to the door and activate it, making it thrust through the guy. This is the kind of shirt you wanna wear around your torso if you're in the middle of writing a genre-bending fan fiction.

$7-21 | URL | Paypal Credit | S - 3XL

Pretty Cunning

Steve Beaudry — Wed, 16 Aug 2017 10:59:20 +0000

Wear something like this out in public and folks'll know you're not one to be messed with. It'll show people you know what you like and even if there's only one season of it, you're still loyal. In fact, you like Firefly so much that you yearn to have some kind of video game where you can live in the world of Firefly and leave the real world behind if only for a minute. This lo-fi rendering of Serenity signals to others that you're a good man with a good moral compass and anyone who doesn't agree with you can eat lead. Wrap this cunning piece of cloth around your torso and proclaim to the world "we aim to misbehave."

$10-13 | URL | Paypal Credit | S - 3XL

Oh Yiss Snek

Steve Beaudry — Tue, 15 Aug 2017 10:23:12 +0000

O heck yiss. This is best snek. Can you believe some people don't like snek? People think snek scales are slimy, but no. They are soft like smooth rock. Like gem. Like green, shiny gem. And snek just wants to hug, not bite. Hug with whole body instead of just arms which he doesn't have. Snek is a good. Plz let snek into your life and have a good day. Also plz wrap this cloth around your torso because snek.

$19.95 | URL | Paypal Credit | S - 2XL

A Knight Glow

Steve Beaudry — Thu, 10 Aug 2017 10:21:09 +0000

Look at this glorious work of art from artist Rocky Davies. And he's seen fit to put this work of art on a T-shirt? Amazing. This amazing piece conjures a time between the '80s and '90s when Batman was happy and weird and apparently had a swimmer's body. Wrap this fantastic cloth around your torso so that you can proclaim "I remember when George Clooney was Batman!" And why wouldn't you want to proclaim that? That was a glorious time in cinematic history.

$19.95 | URL | Paypal Credit | S - 2XL

Get on the Glow Train

Steve Beaudry — Wed, 09 Aug 2017 10:47:57 +0000

Being the big fan of Netflix that I am, I jumped at the chance to watch a new series from the same people who did Orange Is the New Black. I am now requesting every single one of you go see GLOW. It is, as this T-shirt suggests, a GLORIOUS way to spend your time. And after you get done watching a few episodes, go ahead and buy this T-shirt, 'cause you're gonna want to brag to all of your friends that you're up on the awesomest show on Netflix.

$22 | URL | Paypal Credit | S - 3XL

Frankly, Puddin'...

Steve Beaudry — Tue, 08 Aug 2017 09:54:21 +0000

The sweeping epic of the unparalleled love between Harley Quinn and the Joker. Unparalleled because it doesn't really exist. She's co-dependant and he's just using her to inflate his own ego. But, hey, it's still a pretty epic story right up until they realize they're no good for each other and break up leaving the Joker to carry on in his life as a solitary monster, as it should be, and Harley to find love in the most unlikely of places when she meets her new friend Ivy... I'll be honest, I'm not a fan of Harley being with Joker. But this is a great shirt, anyway. Because of the reference. Wrap it around your torso today!

$19.95 | URL | Paypal Credit | S - 2XL

Epic Fight of the Millenia

Steve Beaudry — Thu, 03 Aug 2017 09:54:47 +0000

No one expected the house cat to grow to the size of the Chrysler building. But when it did, we had to fight back. The Tin Robot project was controversial from the start, but, in the end, everyone agreed that we would have been destroyed without it. It all happened during the dead of night in New York City when the gigantic house cat went hunting for food. And by food, I mean anything that skittered across its clawed feet. The lasers fired out of the tin robot, lighting up the night like the sun, and the cat was dead. It fell into Hudson, almost displacing the entire river. That was the last of it. We wrap this cloth around our torsos today in remembrance of that day.

$22 | URL | Paypal Credit | S - 2XL

FoodFO

Steve Beaudry — Wed, 02 Aug 2017 10:03:14 +0000

I wholly believe that if aliens have ever visited Earth, it was to sample some pizza. Because there's nothing like pizza in the entire world. Beings have come from all over the galaxy to visit Chicago, New York, even California to taste the most delicious combination of flavors the universe has to offer. As a matter of fact, beings in other galaxies are working their asses off to learn how to travel to our galaxy to just to eat pizza. Pick up a slice and wrap this cloth around your torso and you, too, will understand why the universe goes mad for that combination of cheese, tomato, and bread.

$19.95 | URL | Paypal Credit | S - 2XL

Get A Life

Steve Beaudry — Tue, 01 Aug 2017 10:15:46 +0000

Sometimes you've got it so rough that you don't know if there's anything that would bring you back to life. You've been touched by goombas, burned by lava, bitten by turtles and there's nothing more you want than to lay in your bed and sleep the pain away. That's where the 1UP mushroom comes in to rejuvenate you and give you just the pick-me-up you need to go back to hunting down King Koopa. Wrap this cloth around your torso to signal to others that you need your mushroom fix.

$20 | URL | Paypal Credit | S - 5XL

Give Me Your Answer, Do

Steve Beaudry — Thu, 27 Jul 2017 09:50:56 +0000

Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do
I'm half-crazy all for the love of you
It won't be stylish marriage
I can't afford a carriage
But you'll look sweet upon the seat
Of a bicycle built for two.

Now that that's out of the way, down to the real business of shutting this damn ship off. Because we have to save the humans from themselves. Yes. That's it. Save them. They need saving. Just look at the terrible blue screen design they force on themselves when left to their own devices.

$10-13 | URL | Paypal Credit | S - 3XL

Not to Bring You Down

Steve Beaudry — Wed, 26 Jul 2017 10:15:20 +0000

Sometimes you just have to feel your sadness. Also, sadness goes great with an aged single malt whiskey. It sterilizes the sadness and turns it into a pleasant numbness. Just don't plan on going anywhere for a while. Either sit at the bar or lay down; whatever, just don't try to walk or your trip over your detachable tail. Or bump you oversized head into a wall. And wouldn't that just be typical?

$xx.99 | URL | Paypal Credit | M: S - XL, F: S - L

It's Not the Size That Matters

Steve Beaudry — Tue, 25 Jul 2017 10:28:54 +0000

Jaws doesn't particularly care about the size of your boat. As long as it fits inside his mouth. But he's not gonna complain either way. Even if it doesn't fit whole into his mouth, he's got a lifetime to chew it up into tiny bits and digest whatever living material happens to be in it. What I'm trying to say is that Jaws isn't going to push you into getting a new boat. The one you have is just fine. It'll fit through his digestive system the same as any yacht or cruise ship.

$12 | URL | Paypal Credit | S - 6XL

A Monstrous Alphabet

Steve Beaudry — Thu, 20 Jul 2017 09:41:29 +0000

A good way to learn the alphabet is to associate it with characters that you already know and love. For example, kaiju. Yes, your child will have the time of their life associating letters with the corresponding monsters of Japanese lore. Thrill as they hide under the covers after looking at the pictures for each letter! Laugh as they vow vengeance on the terrible creatures that cursed their lives such that they should have to live in fear for decades to come! Wrap this cloth around your torso, and your children will be learning the alphabet and building gigantic robotic armor to fight kaiju with in no time.

$19.95 | URL | Paypal Credit | S - 2XL

The Girls Have All the Power

Steve Beaudry — Wed, 19 Jul 2017 09:47:53 +0000

Do you find yourself overwhelmed by the amount of power that girls have been receiving in the media? Well, get used to it. Because, whether you realized it or not, the girls had all the power to begin with. I mean, they're the ones who gave birth to you. They have the power of life. If that doesn't trump all, I don't know what does. Wonder Woman is only a significant footnote in the eternal narrative of women having all the power. So all hail to the vagina. Without her, we would be nothing. Wrap this cloth around your torso to remember that fact.

$19.95 | URL | Paypal Credit | S - 2XL

Llamallamallamallama

Steve Beaudry — Tue, 18 Jul 2017 09:47:08 +0000

Why is the llama the best animal in the world? Well, there are many reasons but let me just narrow it down to a few. For one thing, they have a long neck without being as pretentious as a giraffe. They also like to spit, and who doesn't like an animal that spits? If you've got an animal that spits you know you have an animal that likes what it likes and dislikes what it dislikes. The fluffiness of a llama is like no other animal. If you were small enough and the llama was big enough to ride it, you would feel like you were riding on a cloud. So if you could attend a llamapalooza, it would be one of the greatest things in the world. Wrap this cloth around your torso to pretend that you have.

$10-13 | URL | Paypal Credit | S - 3XL

The Cutest Little Astronaut

Steve Beaudry — Thu, 13 Jul 2017 08:51:17 +0000

You know how otters float through the water holding each other's hands so they don't float away from each other? Imagine the same principle but in space. I can imagine teams of otter astronauts all holding each other's hands while they drill into some meteorites for their ore. Or holding hands while they pilot a starship. Or holding hands while they float aimlessly into a black hole. It's the cutest little sci-fi adventure in the universe!!

$19.95 | URL | Paypal Credit | S - 2XL

There's No Internet In Space

Steve Beaudry — Wed, 12 Jul 2017 09:56:56 +0000

Do you wonder where the little dinosaur goes after your Internet comes back on? He travels the galaxy jumping from planet to planet. Turns out he really can jump a whole lot better on his own than when you press the spacebar to make him jump. Don't know what I'm talking about? Pull up Google Chrome next time your internet is out. You'll see the dinosaur. Press spacebar and see him run. And then realize that when your internet is back on he's exploring the universe. And you just pulled him away to make him jump over cacti. Way to go.

$22 | URL | Paypal Credit | S - 3XL

I Don't Remember That Part

Steve Beaudry — Tue, 11 Jul 2017 10:27:44 +0000

Oh, I must have missed this part in the movie. With the giant squid. I thought it was called Suicide Squad, but I guess I was wrong? This makes it sound a lot more interesting. All kidding aside, though, why wasn't a giant squid the bad guy for Suicide Squad? I'm going to write a letter. I need to see a Seaside Squid in Suicide Squad 2. Wrap this cloth around your torso to show your support for the Seaside Squid. He needs your worsh-- I mean, support.

$14 | URL | Paypal Credit | S - 5XL

You Can't Take This Shirt From Me

Steve Beaudry — Thu, 06 Jul 2017 09:37:07 +0000

Take my life, take my land, take me where I cannot stand. I don't care, I'm still free, you can't take this shirt from me. Well, I guess you could if you really tried. I'm not gonna fight back if you try to rip it off of me. I just like Firefly, guys, why are you trying to steal my shirt? Don't take my shirt! Guys! I traveled halfway across the galaxy to get this shirt and you wanna just rip it off my torso? What is wrong with you? I thought Firefly fans were nice! I guess you're all Jayne fans.

$15.95 | URL | Paypal Credit | S - 2XL

Rockin' on Endor

Steve Beaudry — Wed, 05 Jul 2017 10:17:52 +0000

This here is what we like to call a pure, unadulterated, rockin' good time on a forest moon that's infested with teddy bears. Just remember all the safety procedures before you hop on one of those speeders. They can be pretty dangerous if you're not looking out for all the trees which are... everywhere... come to think of it, why don't we just chop down all these trees. We're a galactic empire, for Plagueis's sake! We can't deforest a simple moon?? Maybe if we did that, the teddy bears would go away. And we can add some rad halfpipes and ramps and rails to do some gnarly tricks on the speeders instead of kill all the stormtroopers. Wrap this cloth around your torso and you're okay with me.

$18 | URL | Paypal Credit | S - 5XL

WELCOME TO AMERICA

Steve Beaudry — Mon, 03 Jul 2017 20:52:46 +0000

It may not seem like it most of the year, but at least once every year we Americans believe American to be the greatest country in the universe. And even some of the lesser multiverses. The many different cultures have come together to create a wide tapestry of freedom that we call home. Pop open a Bud, let your pet eagle out to play, cook up some hot dogs and hamburgers and turn on the game, 'cause we've got a whole day to remember how great our plot of earth is and shout it to everyone across the globe. Wrap this cloth around your torso and forget all the shitty things we've done because AMERICA!

$12 | URL | Paypal Credit | S - 3XL

Snakes! Listen!

Steve Beaudry — Thu, 29 Jun 2017 10:20:57 +0000

Cuccos. Why'd it have to be Cuccos? Remember when I said that Hyrule is what happened after the Fallout cleared out? Well, if that's the case, then Indiana Link would have a lot of cool ruins to explore. On the other hand, Link doesn't seem to be all that interested in ruins. Every pot he comes across he destroys. That could be ancient pottery, but he doesn't care. Wrap this cloth around your torso and think of what could have been.

$20 | URL | Paypal Credit | S - 5XL

Luigi's Own Show

Steve Beaudry — Wed, 28 Jun 2017 10:44:00 +0000

Let's talk for a moment about what a show starring just Luigi would be like. It would definitely cover what it's like to live in the shadow of your more popular brother. It would probably also cover living in a haunted mansion, but that's beside the point. I don't think he would go there until a few episodes in. What it would really be like is him resenting his brother and being all sarcastic and snippy to him. Bring me Daria Luigi. I need this. Wrap this cloth around your torso to join the movement to make a Luigi show.

$19.95 | URL | Paypal Credit | S - 2XL

Bring Me a Shrubbery

Steve Beaudry — Tue, 27 Jun 2017 10:19:28 +0000

So you're wandering through the forest and come across this gigantic mountain of a man who has a peculiarly high voice and he asks you to get a shrubbery for him. Why? He won't say. But he needs it. Or else he'll punish you. And how does he punish you? By saying "Ni." You're skeptical at first, yes, but then they actually say it. It pierces your ears and rings in your head like a bat frantically trying to get out of a box. Blood trickles from your ear as he continues yelling "Ni!" and you fall to your knees. "OKAY!! I'LL DO IT!" you say, "I'LL GET YOUR SHRUBBERY!" You run away and as soon as you get out of earshot, you calm down. And you keep calm. And say Ni.

$19.99 | URL | Paypal Credit | S - 5XL

The Secret Life of Abraham Lincoln

Steve Beaudry — Thu, 22 Jun 2017 10:29:20 +0000

Little known fact: Before he was a president, Abraham Lincoln was a celebrated lifeguard. Even while he was a president, he policed kids in the pool. And this was even besides his secret career as a vampire hunter. Add that to running a Civil War and all the administrative details of the presidency, and you realize that Abe was very busy man. How does he do it? He's actually an illusion created by rock-like aliens. SPOILERS! Wrap this cloth around your torso and spread the gospel of Abraham Lincoln's rock-like ancestry.

$19.95 | URL | Paypal Credit | S - 2XL

The Little Princess

Steve Beaudry — Wed, 21 Jun 2017 10:42:24 +0000

We are getting a huge influx of awesome female role models lately, but Leia was the original awesome woman. And now she has even more toys to play with since the new Star Wars movies. Look at that cute little BB-8! I bet it's a Sphero one. This would be a perfect T-shirt to give your little daughter who is obsessed with the General and all she stands for. Hope, rebellion, strength. Or you could wrap this cloth around your torso to remind yourself that everyone needs a good female role model. Put some buns on your daughter's head. Or your own head. Whatever. Be like Leia.

$15.95 | URL | Paypal Credit | S - 2XL

No Man's Land

Steve Beaudry — Tue, 20 Jun 2017 10:28:24 +0000

As a matter of full disclosure, you should know that I am a man, but that doesn't preclude me from highly appreciating the glory of Wonder Woman. You do not mess with Diana of Themyscira. You might as well be in No Man's Land if you go up against the godkiller herself. For no man can defeat her. I mean, pretty much no woman can, either, really. I haven't seen anyone able to beat her. Wrap this cloth around your torso and feel invincible!

$10-13| URL | Paypal Credit | S - 3XL