Actually, that’s a lie too. There’s no such thing as affordable childcare in Toronto. Unless you count my mom. But mom’s aren’t free either.

No, I’m talking about trained professionals who really know how to take care of tiny humans. I may be a parent but I’m in no way a professional at this. I’m still brand new, only been in the field less than three years, never having once taken a class or course or anything. I’m winging it here.

I want someone who has actual training on how to deal with stubborn toddlers and curious babies. But that’s gonna cost me a pretty penny.

My sister-in-law who lives an hour away pays $25 a day for an in-home childcare provider. I’m looking at a minimum of $42. Per child, per day. Perhaps as much as $48 from what I’ve been quoted so far. And that’s for an in-home spot. Actual daycare centres charge much more than that.

And, truth be told, we don’t have any money to pay for it. We have no savings. We have debt. We have poor spending habits and being home on maternity leave for 2 of the last 3 years hasn’t helped. It’s hurt.

Am I sorry I had 2 kids so close together? Absolutely not. I’m getting too old to put off childbearing much longer, and besides, my kids are pretty awesome.

So here I am, two months left on my maternity leave and I’ve got to figure out a way to keep us afloat for the next 4 years until the peanut is in full-day kindergarten (assuming the government doesn’t get rid of it before then).

I keep telling myself that it will all work out.

I just have no idea how.

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I return to work on April 16th.

I’ve just started looking for full-time day care for 2 children and I have no idea how we’re going to pay for it.

I’m still catching up to vacation/plague laundry, although I’ve finally gotten a handle on it and I must say it’s nice to fold clothes that vaguely smell of sunscreen. (doesn’t that stuff come out?!?)

I have to go back to a job that I barely like in a location that is far from home.

I’m hoping and praying that I can find a job that will allow me to work from home since my current job won’t, but the pickings are slim and I haven’t gotten any call-backs so far.

It’s amazing to watch the preshus and the peanut interact these days. The preshus (2.5 yrs) is a bit of a bully (expected) and the peanut (9.5 mos) is starting to realize that it’s not ok. I expect him to start fighting back any day now. But still, when they love each other, they really love each other. It’s nice.

The peanut tries really hard to copy everything he sees his brother doing. Colouring on the easel is his current fave thing to do. And by colour I mean beat the paper with a crayon or marker clutched in his fist. You know, when he’s not eating them or dotting his face with them.

The peanut still only has his two bottom teeth but I think that either walking or two more teeth are on the verge of making a breakthrough.

Two months left until I go back to work…. wow. Time has sped right by me.

But life is good, you know? Even with all the uncertainty. I know things will work out. They always have a way.

We’ll find a suitable childcare provider who the kids will grow to love. I’ll go back to work. We’ll find a way to budget ourselves into a position where we can afford to live. I’ll find a new job that suits our situation better, one that I’ll actually like.

It will all work out.

I’m certain it will.

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And while every other year I’d just be thankful for an extra day off work, this year I’m thankful for an extra day with the hubs at home.

Not that I got to spend much time with him. I was too busy cleaning the house prepping for our first ever family game night!

Ever since the cruise my two sisters, the hubs and I have all been hooked on the game Risk.

Unfortunately, I don’t appear to be very good at it. That’s me. Middle of the board. Red. One lone token about to be defeated in battle. I clearly need more practice.

Or we need to switch to Monopoly where I can clean house.

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Click the logo to see more great week 7 photos!

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But most importantly, the baby is now back to normal. He’s well hydrated, eating solid foods again and not vomiting, his poop is mostly back to normal, if you can call formula-fed baby poop normal (it looks like yellow peanut butter).

Breastfeeding seems to be back on track. The only remnants of his brief bout of lactose intolerance are the ominous stomach gurgles when he starts nursing and the ridiculously smelly farts. Remember those newborn baby farts? They’re back. Man scented farts they are. But he’s digesting the milk as far as I can tell so I’ll suffer through it.

And his chipper baby attitude is back. His energy, his curiosity, and best of all, his spontaneous baby laughs and open-mouth baby kisses. All back.

My baby’s back.

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elves don't like bottles. true story

When we left our intrepid hero she was sinking in plague ship, trying to float on a sea of vomit and poop covered laundry and going down fast.

No, but seriously, as hard as the first few days were, the recovery has been long and hard and stupid. I’m feeling better except for the fact that I’m dog tired and my brain has pretty much given up the ghost. Brain wants two days of uninterrupted sleep. It get’s 2.5 hours.

The hubs and toddler seem to be back to almost normal, that’s the good news.

The bad news is where the Plague Part II comes in. The baby didn’t fare as well. You know how they tell you not to give a person who is vomiting and has diarrhea any dairy? No? You didn’t know that? Well I knew that. What I didn’t know, or failed to realize in my plague fatigued brain is that the lactose in milk aggravates those two symptoms of a stomach virus. What I also failed to realize is that breast milk has oodles of lactose.

Enter, supermom (that’s me) thinking she’s doing a superfantastic job of taking care of her baby by continuing to breastfeed her baby through his illness because breast is best and what could be better for a sick baby in keeping him hydrated than to breastfeed him every chance you get?

Well, apparently that was the very last thing I should have done. My poor baby got nothing but worse by the end of the day on Wednesday. By Thursday morning I took him back to the Dr because he was crapping it out faster than I could put it in, his hands and feet were no longer moist, warm and plump (classic peanut with his chubby moist hands) but dry, cold and shrunken (I don’t even know if anyone else noticed, but I’m his mommy, I noticed). He was weak, listless, couldn’t (or didn’t want to) stay awake, and his eyes began to look sunken in. I was so scared for him, it was breaking my heart. He was becoming dehydrated.

The Dr. checked him out and told me to stop feeding him breast milk and start giving him soy formula. Now I remember her mentioning soy for the preshus, but it never occurred to me to give it to the baby. That said, I did buy a canister earlier in the day, but that was because I was tired, dehydrated myself and my poor boobies has pretty much started giving up puffs of milk dust. The kid was no longer getting enough liquid from me, and, as it turned out, I was only making him sicker with it anyways. Thankfully my exhausted brain remembered something about the “no milk products” lecture on Tuesday from the Dr and I picked up the soy formula for the baby to supplement breast milk.

In hindsight I know that my tired brain just couldn’t put all the pieces together on its own. Thank the gods we have an excellent family Dr. who was kind enough to put the pieces together for me, the worried and obviously struggling mother.

Long story short (too late, I know, I’m rambling) the baby is now on Soy Formula, Water, Pedialyte and Juice for 72 hours (ending Sunday) in order to give him a chance to recover from the plague and the resulting lactose  intolerance.

Did you know that stomach viruses (norovirus, stomach flu, food poisoning etc.) cause temporary lactose intolerance? I didn’t know that. My brain couldn’t figure that out. Sick moms are pretty much useless in the thinking department. Well, not all of them, but I am, that much I DO know.

Anyhoo… I know this post is rambling all over the dang place, but I’m pretty upset with myself for screwing this up so badly and making my poor peanut so much sicker than he should have been. Yes he’s recovering but its taking longer than it should have. I just feel so stupid. And I’m crying. All the time. For days now. The hubs caught me once and we ended up in a stupid fight because it was 3-something am and I had just been thrown up on  for the umpteenth time. Fatigue, frustration, vomit, sickness, it’s all just too much.

Water, soy formula, pedialyte, juice. Small frequent doses. Repeat after me stupidhead. WATER, SOY FORMULA, PEDIALYTE, JUICE. SMALL FREQUENT DOSES. STUPID. OR ELSE YOU WILL MAKE YOUR TINY SQUISHY BABY SICK. DUMBASS. *sigh*

The current game plan is to feed the peanut water, soy formula, pedialyte or juice, whatever he’s in the mood for, as often as I can at the rate of one or two ounces every 5 minutes per feeding session. So he doesn’t throw up on me (dumass) *insert tiny voice* >> but he’s so thirsty *weeps* I just want him to drink as much as he wants *crying softly* I don’t have the heart to stop him *sobbing now*<< I DON’T CARE DUMBASS!! YOU’RE JUST MAKING IT WORSE!! Repeat after me. Water, soy formula, pedialyte, juice. Small frequent doses. And for the love of blog, stop all that crying. Daayum.

*sigh*

We’re on this regimen until Monday at which point I can slowly (key word SLOWLY) start introducing breast milk and solids back into his diet.

In the meantime, he doesn’t have much energy to do anything, not surprising what with his liquid diet. Plus, to add to the fun, he’s starting to reject being bottle fed. My poor peanut who hasn’t had to deal with bottles this much, ever. Just looks at me and my boobs and is all like “but mama, I wants the bewbs…I can haz?”, and I have to turn him away. It’s for his own good, but it’s hard. Cruel. To the both of us. I miss breastfeeding.

And I hate pumping.

But I’m being a good girl and pumping as often as I can to help keep my supply up. Not that I’m getting much, what with my crappyass hand pump and all. About 3.5 to 4oz per session (both sides). Sad. But at least it’s something.

I’m just so tired. And stressed. And feeling so damn guilty. I should know better. I really should.

Stupid sick mom brain.

So tired.

Ok, now that that’s over with.

Moving on.

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This week’s Project 52 photo brought to you by: The Plague

l to r: paci, freshly pumped breastmilk, soy formula, pedialyte, large vanilla bean hot chocolate lactose free no foam with 2 shakes of cinnamon. That last one was for me.

Click the logo to see more great week 6 photos!

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I feel that today is one of those days when I’m failing at all three.

Winter arrived today. Will I have the strength to take the toddler out to play in the snow?

I don’t even want to get off the couch, but laundry calls. A sick baby calls. Duty calls.

This is my happy place. When things get too hard I don’t do drugs, I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t leave the house or drive away from it all, I don’t hide from the kids or call a babysitter. I go here.

I picture this place in my mind.

I’m alone on a beach. The warm sand, between my toes, sanding away the roughness.

The air, warm on my neck.

The sun, hot on my face, arms and legs.

The sound of the surf in my ears.

Heaven and bliss all in one place.

This is my happy place.

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Monday

So of course it started with the preshus, Sunday night and all through Monday. Took him to the Dr along with the peanut who was scheduled for his 9-month Well Baby Visit.

• Peanut
• 9 Months + 2 weeks old
• just shy of 21lbs
• 28 inches

Tuesday - The preshus fell asleep waiting for the appointment. That NEVER happens.

The rest of this post gets a bit graphic, lots of poop talk. If you think you can handle it, click below for more.

Dr says that looks like the preshus has a standard stomach virus, he’s had them before and seems to be doing ok, not dehydrated, and since he was no longer vomiting (just some diarrhoea) that he should recover in a few days. Oh, and beware, it’s highly contagious.

Well thanks for that last tip doc, but we’ve been through this before and the rest of us are usually ok. Thankyouverymuch.

That last part went through my sleep deprived brain, conveniently forgetting that we were all fatigued from the trip and apparently highly susceptible to catching any and all bugs that came our way.

Literally 5 hours after the Dr’s appointment, the peanut started vomiting. 3 times in an hour, directly after I had finished feeding him dinner. He’s out for the count. And as I’m eating my dinner I just know that I probably shouldn’t eat too much because I just know I’m not going to enjoy the process of throwing it all up later. And sure enough, by like 10:30pm, My lunch and dinner made an appearance, one after another, and, on occasion, at the same time from both ends. Very sexy and highly glamorous.

It all gets pretty hazy after this since at this point I was pretty sick and caring for a sick baby. I basically set up camp (ground zero as it were) in the toddler’s room with the baby and only came out every hour or so to use the bathroom and ask for help changing the baby’s constantly full diaper, I was too weak to even stand at his change table. So much poop. All watery and running out of all the available diaper exit points. *sigh* Long story short, it was the longest night ever. Important note: Diapers are good at holding in pee and poop, not so much watery diarrhoea poop. They suck at that.

By Wednesday morning I was in no shape to do anything so the hubs had my mom come pick up the preshus to spend the day with her since he was back to normal (behaviour wise, he still had some diarrhoea) and I spent the day in bed with the preshus trying to keep him hydrated, and failing miserably at keeping him clean. So many dirty diapers. And weird, I seemed to have lost my sense of smell by this point because I couldn’t smell when his diaper was dirty which was unfortunate and lead to many, many clothing changes. By the end of the day I was feeling less dead and the baby had run out of clean clothes to wear.

Wednesday - There's a diaper under there. The blanket is my attempt at holding in the poop.

Where was the hubs during all this? Working.

Towards the end of the day I was able to eat some food, I had 2 apples which, even though they were like 3 weeks old and slightly dried up, were so very delicious to my parched soul. The preshus came home, the hubs took care of him and we all went to bed.

Only had to change the peanut once in the night, a lovely poopy mess, and oh, by the way, my sense of smell appears to have returned. Lovely.

Today I felt a thousand times better, I’m back to about 85% of normal. Still very dehydrated, I’ve no milk to feed the baby which is just as well. More on that in another post. This one is getting very long (too late, I know) and I’ve got to go check on the laundry, the dishwasher and the baby.

Peace Poop out!

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Actually we got back on Saturday afternoon but I’m just getting back to feeling normal. We’re all working through that post-vacation fatigue and the preshus picked up some kind of nasty bug or food reaction last night where we spent the wee hours of the night helping him get through a half-dozen bouts of vomiting. Not a spectacular evening by any means. He seems to be feeling better today though, he hasn’t thrown anything up in almost 12 hours so hopefully it was just something he ate and not a stomach virus. He’s had two loose poops and there’s no fever so I’m sure he’ll get over whatever this is by tomorrow.

In other news I’m almost finished unpacking. The hubs is finished his suitcase and I’ve unpacked the carry-on bags and the kid’s suitcase. It’s just my suitcase that is sitting there staring me in the face. I’ll get to you my sweet. Just you wait. Until later this evening, perhaps, or maybe tomorrow when I get tired of tripping over you.

In the meantime I need to spend some serious time going through all the pictures I took last week. Partly because I want to see how they turned out, I just shot and shot and shot and didn’t look at anything so that I’d be surprised with how awesome they turned out, and partly because I’ve got to post my #janphotoaday, #febphotoaday and P52 shots. I think I did a pretty good job at taking them while we vaca’d, but now I’ve got to sift through something like 1700 pictures, and that’s just the ones I took with my point and shoot camera and my iPhone! I also have the ones the ship photographers and the hubs took, but of course I won’t be using those ones for my photo projects.

And finally, I’ve booked the peanut’s 9-month well-baby visit for tomorrow. It’s a couple of weeks late, but I didn’t want to try to squeeze it in before we left. I think he might be due for shots.

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