Bamboo Nation

Days Prince Should Let Me Post: The Same Day Every Week

2009-11-08T12:00:00.000-08:00

That’s right, after being denied Wednesdays and exiled to Tuesdays, I have returned to posting on Sundays. Fortunately with Prince’s complicated posting procedures (do I really need to write my posts while sitting naked in front of a webcam?) I don’t have to actually write my posts on Sundays. So it’s not getting in the way of my generally doing nothing on Sunday.

Hopefully this new schedule will stick. I’d hate to become one of those TV shows that the networks kill by moving around from night to night until no one knows when to watch it and the ratings finally get low enough to pull the plug. Maybe Prince feels threatened by me and wants to make sure I don’t build up any sort of following. Don’t worry, Prince, I’m the It’s Like, You Know... to your Seinfeld.

Or maybe he’s just giving people what they want: more Prince. After all, I’m not just a contributor to Bamboo Nation; I’m also an avid reader. Nothing can perk up a dreary work day better than a few well written thoughts plucked from Prince’s mind. I happily bow to him and take my place on the Sunday schedule.

But if he tries to move me again, I’ll cut him.

Ecstasy and Labor

2009-11-08T06:00:00.000-08:00

Photo by Aaron Lee Fineman
(click to enlarge)

I can't remember if I mentioned on Prince's blog that my wife and I are pregnant with our first child—due date is November 14. Anyhow, on the Friday night before Halloween, my wife went into early labor. Evidently, early labor can last up to two weeks from what I am told. The next night there was a Halloween rave in New York City called Maskarave, put on by a promoter named Scotto, whom I know from back in the day. (Scotto is the guy who was responsible for bringing NASA parties to NYC, like the one they tried to depict in the movie Kids).

This is where I have to say how much I love my wife. It takes a very special woman to let her husband go out to a rave while she lays at home in labor. I look forward to telling our child about that Halloween night when we thought s/he might be born. And how I was at a rave, making photographs like this one and checking my phone every 30-45 minutes to make sure I would not miss anything at home. I should add that as of my writing this post the baby is still baking in the oven.

[For more work by Aaron Lee Fineman, visit www.aaronleefineman.com.]

"Gentlemen Broncos": Pants-Pissingly Hilarious

2009-11-07T09:00:00.000-08:00

Just about every film critic in the United States has done a real hatchet job on Gentlemen Broncos (reviews have been dismal), which just goes to show you how out of touch they are with the audience this movie is intended for—namely, me and my friends. Four of us went, thought it was hilarious, and had tears streaming down our faces because we were laughing so hard. Three of us were slightly buzzed, sure, but I swear I was stone-cold sober.

Anyway, I won't go into it too much because I'm not even supposed to be blogging on weekends, but I felt I had to emerge to make sure you see this film if you're in one of the few cities it's playing—I'm not sure how long it's going to last in theaters. Just know that it's the third film from the folks who brought you Napoleon Dynamite and Nacho Libre, both of which I found hysterically funny (the former more so). If those films are up your proverbial alley, then the even weirder and more absurd Gentlemen Broncos will give you a comedy boner. (If you thought those first two litmus-test movies were annoying trifles, dear god, stay away.)

By the way, the Gentlemen Broncos website is pretty awesome.

Finally, a Douche You Know You Can Trust!

2009-11-07T06:00:00.000-08:00

When you have a stubborn, dirty "va-jay-jay," why not turn to the douche both moms and daughters can share and love? Massengil's Oxydouche sanitizes even the most stubborn sexual repression! Also works on polishing silver! Oh, Mom, you know everything! Watch:

[Louise Larsen also blogs at Louise on the Left.]

Levi Johnston's Twitter Account Fake!; or: I've Been Duped!, Part 2

2009-11-06T19:09:00.000-08:00

A news reporter nabbed an on-camera interview with Levi Johnston and his lawyer (or manager? I'm not sure) about the heartbreaking (in my opinion) Twitter scandal! Watch:

I promise I will do everything in my power to not write about Levi Johnston again until his Playgirl hits the newsstands. (The magazine in now an online-only publication, but they're doing a special print run to accommodate Levi's cock.)

Levi Johnston's Twitter Account Fake!; or: I've Been Duped!

2009-11-06T13:18:00.000-08:00

In one of the most tragic twists in Bamboo Nation history, after I've been obsessively following the Twitter account of Levi Johnston for weeks now, it has just been reveled that that account is fake! The person who's been posting the sometimes sublime messages is an impostor, and the real live soon-to-be-completely-naked-for-Playgirl Levi Johnston is pissed. After Conan O'Brien featured William Shatner performing the fake Levi's Twitter messages as beat poetry a couple nights ago, the real Levi demanded an apology. Last night, Conan kind of said sorry. Watch:

I can't believe I've been duped! Again! And now how will I occupy my time?! This is the worst day ever!

[Thanks Bamboo Nation reader John for the alert.]

Here's Ooze in Your Eye

2009-11-06T06:00:00.000-08:00

Is my mind in the gutter, or is this commercial for the Oozenater—and, in fact, the entire concept of the Oozenater itself—just dripping with inappropriate innuendo? Those of you who who decry gay porn should decry this ad instead. Watch:

William Shatner Reinterprets Levi Johnston's Twitter Messages

2009-11-05T12:00:00.000-08:00

Oh, oh, oh, when Prince talks about Levi Johnston's Twitter account, you ignore him! But when William Shatner performs Levi Johnston's Twitter posts as beat poetry, then you listen. Further proof that I am always ahead of the curve. Watch:

By the way, William Shatner has done this before with Sarah Palin.

[Update 11.05.09 @ 12:10 p.m.: Levi Johnston has locked his Twitter account! I can't view it any more! Aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh! Heeeeeeeeeelp!]

Scary Pork Chop; Plus, Where's Pork Chop?

2009-11-05T09:00:00.000-08:00

Scary Pork Chop:

Where's Pork Chop?:

"Skunk Whisperer" Rescues Animal With Its Head Stuck Inside a Peanut Butter Jar

2009-11-05T06:00:00.001-08:00

It was a slow news day in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Watch:

Albums I'm Listening To

2009-11-04T22:14:00.000-08:00

Since I'm notorious for not reading novels, people never ask me, "What're you reading?" (Don't they realize that I read tons of nonfiction?! Don't they know who I am?!) But I do get asked, "What're you listening to?" Well, I've got three albums in heavy rotation on my MP3 player right now. These are them:

Dead Man's Bones by Dead Man's Bones (2009). Did you know Ryan Gosling, who wowed me in Half Nelson and who I have declared my undying love for, started a rock band? Yeah, he could've turned out to be the ass of my jokes (I have a natural suspicion of actors-turned-musicians), but Dead Man's Bones is like the deformed lovechild of Oingo Boingo and a 50s doo-wop group, conceived on a Halloween night, with a children's choir and a bucket of blood thrown on top of it all for good measure. Don't know what that might sound like? Listen to the irresistibly catchy "Pa Pa Power" from their debut album, which was released last month, for a faint idea of what I'm talking about:

Raditude by Weezer (2009). Rivers Cuomo and crew continue to make dorky cool with their new party album. They've lost a lot of street cred because they've become so rich and famous, but why begrudge people who are having a damn good time and who want nothing more than for you to have a good time too? Surely you've heard the new album's fun lead track, "(If You're Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To":

By the way, Raditude was available for download on Amazon for $3.99 the last time I checked.

The Magic of Boney M. by Boney M. (2006). Since Boney M. couldn't be downloaded from Rhapsody or Amazon or even iTunes, I had to order this greatest hits collection on CD through the mail. Where am I living?! Communist Russia in the 80s?! Anyway, I will never ever tire of Boney M.'s disco version of "Sunny." Never!:

Gooby Plays With His Willy

2009-11-04T06:00:00.000-08:00

You're not going to want to believe that the following trailer is for a real movie, but, oh, it is. Gooby is aimed at children, but why do I suspect that this flick is probably as horrifying as The Ring? Watch:

When I Was Five, I Was Still Pissing My Bed

2009-11-03T10:28:00.000-08:00

Nothing can make you feel like an underachiever like a news story about a five-year-old girl who managed to save her mother's life after a horrible crash. Yup, I don't see this item as a source of inspiration, but as something to undercut my own life achievements. According to The Montreal Gazette:

LUNDBRECK, Alta. – Nikki Butler has always known her five-year-old daughter Mary was special. Now she’s calling the little girl her hero.

Mary and Nikki Butler of Lundbreck, about 200 kilometres south of Calgary, were travelling through the Crowsnest Pass when the mother’s truck hit a patch of black ice. It slid across the road, hit a guardrail and flipped four times down a steep embankment.

Once the vehicle came to a stop, the girl saw that her mother was bleeding from a gash on her forehead.

She had also lost consciousness.

Mary tried to wake her, but there was no response.

“She didn’t sit beside me and cry,” said Nikki, 30.

“Somehow, she knew she had to do something, so she got help.”

The mother says the five-year-old unbuckled her seatbelt, climbed through the rear passenger window of the truck — which was caved in above where the child was sitting — and climbed 45 metres up the steep, rock- and snow-covered embankment to the edge of Highway 3.

She threw her arms in the air and flagged down the first vehicle she saw, which happened to be a sanding truck.

“She told (the driver) her mom was in trouble,” said Nikki, who’s recovering at home after spending six days in Calgary’s Foothills Hospital after the Oct. 13 incident.

“We were so far down the hill that he didn’t even see us. No one would have seen us. I can’t even imagine what would have happened if she didn’t go for help.”

Nikki had her broken arm repaired with steel plates. Her broken nose was rebuilt, a smashed cheekbone repaired, and she received 200 sutures to close a cut from ear to ear across her forehead. She fractured several vertebrae in her neck.

She doesn’t remember the crash.

“All I know is I hit black ice and woke up in hospital three days later.”

After she was released from hospital, Nikki visited the crash site and walked down the embankment to where the truck landed.

She struggled to walk back up the hill and is “baffled” that her young daughter was able to make the hike on her own.

Nikki asked Mary days after the crash why she did what she did that afternoon.

“She said, ‘I needed to save my mom because I love my mom.’ ”

Mary sustained two bruises on her hips in the crash, her mother said.

Man, I can barely walk through Griffith Park without wheezing.

Okay, fine, this story is heartwarming, that girl deserves mad props, and I want her to watch over me on my deathbed.

"BullySmart for Kids"

2009-11-03T06:00:00.000-08:00

Even after studying the following video very carefully, I still don't know what it is! Is it an extended public service announcement from the 80s? Is it a subtle parody of such PSAs? Or is it understated sketch comedy spliced in between serious educational footage? Help! What the fuck is this?! Watch:

[Thanks to The Bilerico Project.]

"24!" "24!" "24!"

2009-11-02T12:00:00.000-08:00

How much do I love 24? I love it so much that the fine folks at East West Players, where I sometimes teach playwriting, know never to schedule my classes on Mondays. I am reminded of this hard and fast rule because Fox just released the official trailer for Season 8! It gives us a glimpse of what's to come without any major spoilers (the way they fucked it up last year). Watch:

Freddie Prinze Jr. is joining the cast! Remember Freddie Prinze Jr.?! Be still my beating crotch!

Cat Nap

2009-11-02T09:00:00.000-08:00

I would normally object to people secretly taking pictures of me while I am taking an afternoon nap—seriously creepy!—but this photo that I stumbled upon while cleaning out the memory card on my camera is granted my approval because it is partially Pork Chop's fault. And what Pork Chop wants, Pork Chop gets!:

And, yes, this is how I take naps—on the bed sideways, in my street clothes, and with my glasses on. Don't you?

"Shit'n on You Hoe"

2009-11-02T06:00:00.001-08:00

Giving Riskay's infamous "Smell Yo Dick" a run for its hip-hop money is a song I just heard called "Shit'n on You Hoe." Everybody loves a good cat fight, but Geisha takes woman-on-woman aggression to an extreme you didn't even know was possible. Watch and learn (and probably not safe for work):

Sporting Events Prince Should Watch: The World Series

2009-11-01T12:00:00.000-08:00

I don’t know if Prince has ever watched a baseball game in his life, but all Americans should have to watch at least one World Series in their lifetime. Baseball is, after all, the national pastime. It’s an excuse to sit down on a warm summer day in front of a big green field and talk to your friends, and occasionally something exciting happens. People who call baseball boring miss the point of it. It’s not supposed to be nonstop excitement. It’s supposed to be relaxing. It’s suppose to stimulate conversation. It’s supposed to, well, pass the time.

The World Series is a little bit different. After 162 games and 6 playoff series, 30 teams have been whittled down to 2. Now they get 7 games to decide who gets to be the World Champion. It’s late October so the games are colder and darker, and there’s more at stake. The teams go all out. Suddenly starting pitchers are coming in out of the bullpen, unknown players emerge as heroes, and stars become super-stars.

But if there was ever a World Series for Prince to watch, this would be it. Why? Because it features the New York Yankees going for their 27th world title. That’s more then a quarter of all World Series ever played. They are the juggernaut. The giant corporation. They are the team everyone hates, except for the millions of people who love them. Either way, the Yankees playing in a World Series is a win-win for everyone. You can either sit there confidently rooting for them, or you can root against them. It’s perfect.

What’s more American than rooting for the Yankees? What’s more American than rooting against the Yankees?

By the time this posts, 3 of the 7 games will already have been played, but it’s not too late for Prince to jump on the bandwagon. Turn your TV to the game today or the terrorists win! You don’t want that on your head, do you, Prince? Besides, you can take the opportunity to ogle two of the game’s most attractive players: Derek Jeter and A-Rod. I mean, come on Prince: a player called "a rod"...how can you pass that up?

[Alan Goy also blogs at Experiment Farm.]

Happy Howl-a-ween

2009-11-01T06:00:00.000-08:00

Photo by Aaron Lee Fineman
(click to enlarge)

Paco's last Halloween costume, one of the Pup-a-razzi. He's trick-or-treating in doggie heaven this year. I wonder if dogs do ding-dong-dash with flaming bags of their own poop.

[For more work by Aaron Lee Fineman, visit www.aaronleefineman.com.]

Parenting Video: Help Disguise Your Girly Son With Butch Halloween Costumes

2009-10-31T12:00:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, we get only one guest blog per weekend, but, Prince, it's Halloween! Consider this a "bonus video" for Bamboo Nation, courtesy of The Onion. Watch:

[Louise Larsen also blogs at Louise on the Left.]

Who You Gonna Call...? Pumpkin Mime!

2009-10-31T06:00:00.000-07:00

Hey, this is the kind of news I'm talking about! Clearly, local news in Omaha, Nebraska, is a lot more fun there than here in Southern California. Watch:

Happy Halloween!

[Louise Larsen also blogs at Louise on the Left.]

Pork Chop Pumpkin Pie; or: Cat-o-Lantern!

2009-10-30T16:30:00.000-07:00

Louise on the Left bought Pork Chop a Halloween costume. And for the first time in his entire life, he hissed—HISSED!—at me while I was trying to put it on him. I dodged a few claws and somehow managed to get him to wear it—if only for a minute:

Louise also provided a lovely wig, but I'm going to have to try putting that on him another day when he's not so pissed at me.

"Where the Dirty Hipsters Are"

2009-10-30T13:30:00.000-07:00

This spoof of Spike Jonze's adaptation of Where the Wild Things Are is so damn funny because, oh, the truth hurts. Watch:

Levi Johnston: "I Don't Have Anything to Hide," Part 3

2009-10-30T10:23:00.000-07:00

[Read Part 1 and Part 2.]

Levi Johnston's latest Twitter post:

CONFIRMATION: It looks like the shoot will be all nude after all.. ..! But in a tasteful matter (who remembers Austin powers ending part I)

Oh, glorious day!

Your Friendly Neighborhood Penis-Microphone; Plus, Boobies on Boobies!

2009-10-30T06:00:00.003-07:00

You know when you're jumping up and down on your bed and lip-syncing to Madonna's "Like a Virgin" and you grab a hair brush to use as a makeshift microphone to complete your vision of wild abandon? Well, do you know how passe hair brushes are? Next time, get hold of the nearest semi-erect penis and pretend-sing to your heart's content!

I got this idea in my head after receiving an e-mail from Bamboo Nation reader John H. (the guy who's won every single BN contest he's officially entered):

Lately, I've been enjoying SF band Girls new album appropriately titled Album. Lots of jangly guitars and one track that sounds exactly like a lost My Bloody Valentine track. Pitchfork actually gave it a good review which never happens. Here's a link to a video for their song "Lust for Life."

But he also provided a link to the triple-X version, complete with body parts you're not supposed to see, like penis-microphones and boobies.

Hey...wait a minute.... Why are those guys on the same bed together? And why are those girls on the same bed together? Is something queer going on here?! Do straight men not hang out in their underwear together and sing into each other's penises? Watch the probably not safe for work music video: