BAMBOO NATION

Ten Hours Worth of Cat Footage

2009-12-10T06:00:00.000-08:00

Here's ten full hours of cat footage converted into a 30-second time lapse video. Look at all the exciting adventures these two felines get into when their owner is away! Remind you of a certain cat known unto you? Watch:

By the way, I can't believe those cats are allowed on the coffee table. Pork Chop would never do something so uncouth.

Google Wave? Sure.

2009-12-09T12:00:00.000-08:00

As you may know, Google pretty much rules every part of my online existence. However, I have no idea what the new invitation-only Google Wave is.

But when I saw on Facebook that Jason from Is That a Gavel in Your Pants? had some invites to give away, I was on it like a whore on money.

I don't really know what I'm supposed to do with Google Wave yet and I'm not sure I should really care, but that's not the point. The point is that I have it and you don't.

But, alas, I have eight invitations I am allowed to give out to people. Do you want it? Do you want it?!

"Christian Side Hug": It Was a Spoof!

2009-12-09T09:00:00.000-08:00

After I posted the preposterous but nonetheless plausible video of the religious rap song, "Christian Side Hug," the folks over at Doodie Pants pointed out in the comments section that the abstinence-only tune was a spoof. What does it say about modern-day religion that a song so absurd can easily be believed to be true?

For the story behind the song, visit Doodie Pants.

"The Twilight Saga: New Moon" in 60 Second

2009-12-09T06:00:00.000-08:00

Even if you haven't seen New Moon (which I wrote about so eloquently here), you'll still probably find the following spoof wickedly funny. What you might not realize, however, is how accurate this video is. Seriously, these people get it painfully right. Mad props, yo. Watch:

How to Format a Play; or: Organizing Your Script for the Stage Is Easier Than You Think

2009-12-08T13:00:00.000-08:00

Even after I've thoroughly explained proper playwriting format in my classes at USC (in the Master of Professional Writing Program) and EWP (in the David Henry Hwang Writers Institute), students still turn in work that simply doesn't look right. The reason for this is because students have a difficult time straying from the format they're used to; i.e., they, like most us, are typically only familiar with play scripts published in book form. So, we've been exposed to the improper formatting in these books over and over again since grade school, and it can be hard to shake. (Well, at least until I bloody your script with scary red "F's"all over the place. )

Why do published plays get it "wrong?" In order to keep business costs down, publishers aim to use as little paper as possible. To help facilitate this, they eschew standard playwriting format in order to cram as much onto a page as they can. So, the fancy published plays we see at the bookstore and the acting editions we find in theater shops should not be used as examples for when we're sitting down to write a play.

The scripts that get sent to theaters, competitions, and agents and that are used in the rehearsal room of productions of new plays follow a standard format. (Note: Productions of older work mostly make use of published plays. So, those actors used to being in shows that are not "new" would also only be used to the improper playwriting format in books.)

The formatting rules that I'm providing here should serve as a general guideline. There's some flexibility in how things are done, and some variations from playwright to playwright are acceptable. The important things are to be consistent in whatever it is you choose to do and to make your script as easy to read as possible.

Print out the following play-formatting document for future reference. (Contact me if you want a PDF version of this sent to you.) Pass it along too, so I can single-handedly be responsible for setting the industry standard! This one-page document covers margins, font, stage directions, character names, dialogue, when to capitalize, and when to italicize. Click to enlarge:

A quick note about musicals. Capitalize all the lyrics. This will help readers separate the songs out from the rest of the script.

Okay, that's pretty much it. Do what I'm telling you! Any questions?

So Damn Cute I Want to Smash the Screen

2009-12-08T06:00:00.001-08:00

Sometimes when I'm hugging Pork Chop, I exclaim, "I love you so much I want to crush you to death!" So it's no wonder that watching the following video makes me want to smash the computer screen. This kitten, who expertly feigns surprise, is so goddamn cute that many people sent me this video, knowing that I would instantly fall in love. Watch:

[Thanks to Peter Varvel, Andrea Apuy, Superbadfriend, and Will Blank.]

The Best Facebook Fails

2009-12-07T12:00:00.000-08:00

After I posted last week's "Facebook Whoopsy!," Bamboo Nation reader Diana pointed out that there was much more fun to be had on a highly addictive site called Lamebook. Then, reader Patty Hose sent me a collection of some of the best Facebook status updates so far. Holy crap, this shit is funny. Here they all are, including the first one I posted last week (click to enlarge):

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Pork Chop's 15-Week Weight-Loss Challenge: The Introduction Post

2009-12-07T09:00:00.000-08:00

Pork Chop hasn't paid a visit to his vet, Dr. Rhee, for a while, so last week Loren and I lured our beloved child into a kitty carrier (well, actually, the only ones big enough at Petco were for dogs) using a couple sprigs of fresh catnip.

Pork Chop meowed in panic for the entire car ride, but we eventually realized that he didn't really fear vet visits—he was just annoyed at being trapped inside a small plastic box like a common, dirty Humane Society stray.

Once we let him out of the carrier, Pork Chop quieted down and relaxed into his visit.

As soon as Dr. Rhee laid eyes on Pork Chop, he exclaimed (in a Korean accent), "That's a huge cat!" He then plopped Pork Chop onto a scale for the moment of truth.

Are you ready for this? Brace yourself.

Pork Chop now weighs in at a whopping 20.1 pounds!

Dr. Rhee's eyes almost popped out. "That's a big cat!"

He then showed us a feline weight chart that ranked cat sizes on a scale of 1 to 5. A 1 meant your cat was too damn skinny; a 5 meant your cat was too damn fat. Dr. Rhee slid the plastic bar back and forth across the chart until it landed between the 4 and 5.

Pork Chop is definitely more hefty than he should be, but not quite like those morbidly obese people who lay in their beds all day and never leave the house. I mean, you should see how fast Pork Chop runs when we shake a bag of treats.

So begins...Pork Chop's 15-Week Weight-Loss Challenge!

We've always fed Pork Chop less that than the recommended daily allowance of food (and the "light" kind at that), once in the morning and once at night, so the amount he consumes each day is not really the issue here. It's more about what he eats. We mostly feed him Science Diet "light" dry cat food, with occasional wet food because he loves licking the gravy. (The meat in canned food doesn't really interest him.)

Dr. Rhee says dry cat food is about 40% water, while wet cat food is about 80% water. The wet cat food has a significantly lower caloric intake, and it also aids in proper hydration.

Pork Chop's not at the point yet where he has to go on a special diet. He just has to switch up his meals a bit—dry cat food every morning and wet cat food every night. (By the way, aside from the weight issue, Pork Chop is in tip-top condition.)

Dr. Rhee says that on this new nutrition plan we want Pork Chop to lose between 5 to 10 percent of his body weight per month until he slims down to an ideal 15 pounds.

For the purposes of this new weekly Bamboo Nation feature, Pork Chop's 15-Week Weight-Loss Challenge (appearing every Monday), I'm going to split the difference and aim for Pork Chop losing 7.5% of his body weight per month.

Will Pork Chop—Pork Chop!—be able to shave off a significant 5.1 pounds in a mere 15 weeks?

He's going to need your encouragement and positive reinforcement! And perhaps some of you will want to join him in this challenge and lose 5.1 pounds yourself in the next 15 weeks!

Go, Pork Chop, go!

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Pork Chop's Current Weight This Week:
20.1 pounds

Pork Chop's Target Weight Next Week:
19.7 pounds

Pork Chop's Ideal Weight:
15 pounds

In Taiwan, They Know How to Make Turgid Tiger Woods News Even More Turgid

2009-12-07T06:00:00.002-08:00

If you're like me, you haven't really been following the Tiger Woods story except for maybe glancing at tabloid headlines at the grocery store. 'Cuz you know what? I don't care.... But if American news were as imaginative as news broadcasts in Taiwan, then maybe I would've taken notice sooner and more enthusiastically. In Taiwan, they have animated dramatic recreations of current events, and there's one that features Tiger Woods getting bitch-slapped in a Sim-like world. Now this is news! There are no subtitles in the following clip, but the pictures say it all. Watch:

[Thanks to Patty Hose.]

Family Fun [Aaron's Sunday Photographs]

2009-12-06T06:00:00.000-08:00

Photo by Aaron Lee Fineman
(click to enlarge)

Today's post is about Thanksgiving. I realize that I am a week late, but my pants are still tight from that night, so I think it's fair to still write about that holiday. As an American Jew, my family gets tons of holidays throughout the year. But Thanksgiving is one of my favorites, next to Purim (where you are supposed to get drunk) and Passover (same thing sort of, four cups of wine at dinner). But back to Thanksgiving.

Ever since Nicole and I claimed Thanksgiving as our family holiday, I have even been collecting a nice series of portraits from these dinners. Mind you, these portraits are not so traditional. They are of the guest of honor—that yummy bird, The Turkey. Usually these portraits are of birds that I cooked. However, this year we were invited to our friends Terence and Joelle's apartment for Thanksgiving dinner, where Terence prepared a delicious bird—and at the same time taught me that bacon could be in nearly every side dish.

P.S. Sorry, Prince, but, yes, animals were killed in preparation for this post—but they were yummy.

[For more work by Aaron Lee Fineman, visit www.aaronleefineman.com.]

Why Are Americans So Hung Up About Sex? [Michael's Intermittent Musings]

2009-12-05T12:00:00.000-08:00

Why are Americans so hung up about sex? A lot of our sexual mores have come from our religious teachings. This has caused raised eyebrows from some in more liberal circles. After all, God created man in his own image. This means that God has a penis. So instead of referring to the explosion of semen on a woman's face as a "facial," why not refer to it as spreading the good word (on her face).

Adam Lambert, American Idol runner-up, has recently come under attack for his performance on the American Music Awards. During his song, "For Your Entertainment," the singer walked a performer on a leash, simulated oral sex, made out with a band member, and shot the camera the bird. Conservative America is up in arms over this genuine display of sexuality. Which one of these right-wing hypocrites hasn't put their significant other on a leash and paraded them around the boudoir? Can't these backwards conservative Nazis see that sex is not dirty, especially angry glam sex?

Another question that was raised concerns Lambert's sexuality. Yes, the recipient of the infamous kiss was a male band member, and homophobes everywhere have taken notice. How dare these prudish Petes perpetuate their negative associations. Now every time they see a glam rocker making out with another dude and receiving oral sex (perceived or actual), they're going to associate it with homosexuals. How dare they. I know plenty of straight guys who have made out with Adam Lambert's band. So to answer the question, "Is Adam Lambert too gay?," no. That's like asking if Ron Jeremy is too straight.

[Michael DeAntonio also blogs at Mike the Bull.]

Grandmas Gone Wild [Louise's Saturday Videos]

2009-12-05T06:00:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure whether these videos fall into the category of "elder abuse" or "Grandmas Gone Wild," but I'm sure my grandparents are breathing a huge sigh of relief (on the other side) because they managed to shuffle off this mortal coil with their reputations intact. The truth is my own parents are just as paranoid about the Internet as the woman is below. While my mother doesn't behave like an escaped Scorsese character about her paranoia, she does harbor a fear of Facebook just as fierce as this Jersey granny. There is no talking reason into her about the Internet. This woman's grandson has my sympathy. Watch:

This second clip is "grandma goes crazy." Watch:

And then, there's "when art imitates life," as is evidenced in this clip from The Sopranos. Watch:

[Louise Larsen also blogs at Louise on the Left.]

Don't Kill "The Messenger"

2009-12-04T09:00:00.000-08:00

You thought the job of turkey masturbator was horrible? Well, I think the work depicted in The Messenger may be worse.

In similar fashion to The Hurt Locker, Alessandro Camon and Oren Moverman's The Messenger avoids political debate (thank god 'cuz Meet the Press makes me want to punch myself in the stomach) and instead chooses to embed its audience right in the middle of the action. While Locker shoves us into the military chaos of the war in Iraq, The Messenger gently places us on American soil to witness the aftermath. But, here, it's no less bloody—emotional wounds are the currency of pain in this smart and sobering drama.

Woody Harrelson and hot hot hot Ben Foster play American soldiers assigned to bereavement notification—that is, it's their job to go to dead soldiers' next of kin and inform them of the deaths of their loved ones, and the duo must do so as dispassionately as possible. They're not grief counselors, after all; they're just, well, messengers.

It's a job that most of us have been aware of, of course, but The Messenger explores that world with rare depth, opening your eyes up to work that you admire but that you probably could never ever in a million years do. This movie lingers.

And the trailer is superb:

By the way, did I mention to you how hot Ben Foster is?

Naked Man Furniture [NSFW?]

2009-12-04T06:00:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what inspired the band, Valley Lodge, to depict a house full of furniture made out of naked men in the music video for the song, "All My Loving," but I must admit that it is pure genius! I don't know why I didn't think of this first. Here, I thought the only thing hot guys were good for was being whores. But now I know that they make excellent recliners for when you're watching public television. Ready to behold the possibly not-safe-for-work beauty and magic?

(Note: For those you who are reading this on the main page of this blog [or possibly through a feed reader or e-mail], I'm trying out a new feature that requires you to click the "See the rest of this post" link to, well, see the rest of this post. I'm reserving this feature for not-safe-for-work items, risque stuff, or longer posts.... The rest of you probably don't know what I'm talking about; ignore me.)

I Attend Fancy Hollywood Parties...So YOU Don't Have To!: PEN USA's 19th Annual Literary Awards Festival

2009-12-03T10:13:00.000-08:00

[This post is part of a continuing series about fancy Hollywood parties that I have somehow managed to infiltrate.]

PEN USA's 19th Annual Literary Awards Festival was held last night at the Beverly Hills Hotel, a place with restroom stalls bigger than my first dorm room and soft cotton towels to dry your hands after a good wash. (It's flu season, people, so wash those digits! And to the guy who took a crap and beelined out the restroom door without properly cleaning, I feel sorry for every hand you shook that evening!)

As you know, it was an act of serendipity that I was asked to present the award for Drama to fellow playwright and blogger Marisela Trevino Orta for her play, Braided Sorrow. (By the way, Marisela, we've got to get you off Xanga and onto Blogger or Wordpress or Typepad.)

I prepared an introduction that opened funny but closed by honoring Marisela. (After all, it's not always about me.... Well, it is, but I'm not going to admit that in public.) My remarks went something like this:

"They say that the personal is political. I don't know who said that exactly. And, believe me, I did my research. This afternoon I was on Google for like five minutes, and I couldn't find anything. And I looked on Wikipedia too, and nothing. And if it's not on Wikipedia, then nobody knows.... But what's really interesting and effective about Marisela's work is that she makes the political personal. Her richly layered characters provide an easy entryway into the larger social issues that she's concerned with. This makes her not only a craftswoman, but also a crusader. So, I am proud to present the Literary Award for Drama to Marisela Trevino Orta."

Thankfully, I pronounced her name correctly. I repeated it to myself like 100 times because I was sitting next to her mother in the audience and she schooled me on proper pronunciation.

My intro met with some scattered laughter, and I quickly realized that, if you don't know who I am, then my deadpan delivery of jokes and stuff just comes across as confusing because people don't quite know how to interpret me. ("Is this Asian dude for real?")

I think part of the problem also was that I was wearing an outfit that made me look like a Chinese businessman, come to sell you some import-export stock. While I love and adore my Valentino suit (a rich friend's hand-me-down) because, frankly, it's fucking expensive, it really doesn't feel and look like "me." Something a bit more irreverent would've allowed people to think, "That's a hip, possibly witty, Asian-American artist," rather than, "I'd like to invest in that gentleman's company."

The picture at the top of this post captures my public persona last night. But the picture that was taken on my camera phone better captures the "me" that you know oh-so-well:

Fortunately, my intro was short, so I was able to get to the serious, seemingly profound stuff quickly, and those PEN people liked that.

Anyway, there were some really great acceptance speeches from the fabulous Elmore Leonard (what is he—like 200 years old?!; he's awesome!), Steve Lopez (who gave us an update on his book, The Soloist, which was made into that Robert Downey Jr./Jamie Foxx movie), Leslie T. Chang's mother (Leslie was ill, and her charming Chinese mother read Leslie's acceptance speech for the book, Factory Girls), and Milk screenwriter Dustin Lance Black (who is so goddamn talented, funny, charming, inspirational, humble, and scorching hot that you just want to hate him—but of course you can't).

There was also good food and gift bags full of some of the winning books. You know what that means, right? More Bamboo Nation giveaways on the horizon!

So there you have it, people. Once again, I attend fancy Hollywood parties...so you don't have to!

Guy Scares the Crap Out of His Girlfriend

2009-12-03T06:00:00.000-08:00

I don't know why I derive so much sadistic pleasure from seeing people get scared out of their freaking mind, but I do. In the following video, a guy tucks a dummy head into bed with his sleeping girlfriend. Hilarity ensues. Watch:

It's Not Over 'Til I Say It's Over!

2009-12-02T12:00:00.001-08:00

This Friday is an event that represents the culmination of my USC students' work this semester. Even though our last class was yesterday, I making them do this thing at the end of the week at the lovely Pacific Asia Museum because it is always my intention to work my students' fingers to the bone. I want blood!

Come if you are so interested; it's open to the public:

USC MASTER OF PROFESSIONAL WRITING PROGRAM PLAYWRIGHTS' SHOWCASE

This evening of new work from students in MPW 985: Master Class in Playwriting features staged readings presented by professional actors and directors. Showcasing a diverse and imaginative array of voices, these play excerpts cover a wide range of human experience: a Chinese mother squabbles with her Iraq War veteran son; a young woman descends into a wonderland of crime; a wealthy boy "buys" an ice skater for the night; a couple copes in the aftermath of a car accident; a therapist spars with a strange patient; and the language of Hamlet gets playfully twisted. Featuring work by Alfred Winsor Brown V, Ashley Ellis, Charisse Keck, Joey Damiano, Marlene Leach, and Tesia Walker. Directed by Jennifer Chang, Justin Fisher, Alberto Isaac, Suzanne Karpinski, Larissa Kokernot, and Peter Kuo.

Friday, December 4, 2009
8:00 p.m.

$5 Suggested Donation
Open to the Public

Pacific Asia Museum
46 N. Los Robles Avenue
Pasadena, CA 91101
http://www.pacificasiamuseum.org

Free parking in museum parking lot (limited number of spaces, arrive early). Additional parking on street and surrounding lots.

RSVP: mpw@college.usc.edu

"Fantastic Mr. Fox," Briefly

2009-12-02T09:00:00.000-08:00

Even though I've claimed that I will never join Twitter because "I don't want to turn into a douchebag," I sometimes see the benefits of it. I have occasionally had things to communicate but have simply been too busy or too lazy to write a blog post. And by the time I get around to it, the topic at hand has lost its sense of urgency. So, many posts have fallen through the cracks, and you, dear readers, have been denied some of my innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. (You thought my obsession with Levi Johnston was creepy...? If you only knew.)

Anyway, all this is to say, briefly (because I am now going to allow myself to be brief on my blog), I saw Fantastic Mr. Fox months ago (I'm awesome, remember?), and I loved it. I saw it again last week at the Westide Pavillion Landmark (you know it's a special day when I make it west past La Brea), and I am now doubly convinced that it is one of the most funny, tender, and joyous movies I've seen all year. And it's got some stunning images, terrific voice work (George Clooney! Meryl Streep!), and a rockin' soundtrack to boot.

I've never been a big Wes Anderson fan, but this new film of his is filled with stop-motion bravura and boasts a clever, adult-skewing script by Anderson and Noah Baumbach (one of my favorite filmmakers), based on the book by dark dark children's author Roald Dahl. (Kids dig the movie too—sometimes adults don't give them enough credit.)

I have a beautiful new book, The Making of Fantastic Mr. Fox, at home, and I can't wait to tear into it.

(You call that brief?!)

Okay, okay, all right, I am incapable of being Twitter-brief. So...some Fantastic Mr. Fox facts:

* It took over two years to make the movie.

* Everything in the film was made by hand—the characters, the costumes, the props, the set.

* The animators had to figure out precisely how to take a storyboard of about 125,000 individual photos and bring them to life.

* Every second of film required 24 shots.

* Just 30 seconds of footage took a full day to capture.

* During production, there were 29 film units going all at once.

Fantastic!

Screw Ponies! I Want a Bear!

2009-12-02T06:00:00.001-08:00

The word on the Hollywood street is that comedian T.J. Miller, who was recently cast as Ranger Smith in the Yogi Bear movie (I know, I know, I can hear you groaning), snagged his role by submitting an audition tape in which he reads sides with a real live bear—a real live bear that just happens to be a big helping of cute! I'm not entirely sure about the accuracy of this success story, but I don't care—because look at that bear! I love! I want! I know I freaked out when a grizzly fucks people's shit up in The Edge, but I can be a forgiving human. Watch:

[H/T Deadline Hollywood.]

Facebook Whoopsy!

2009-12-01T15:00:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if this is for real or not, but it's funny anyway. A woman wrote a Facebook status update that skewers her boss. What she didn't remember was that her boss is one of her Facebook friends. Click the photo to enlarge:

[Thanks to Steve G.]

Japanese Mop Cat

2009-12-01T12:00:00.000-08:00

A cat's fine winter coat is the perfect tool for polishing hardwood floors. Do you doubt me? Don't doubt me! Watch:

[Thanks to Kate B.]

Prince Gomolvilas Rule #734: New Event? New Tie!

2009-12-01T09:00:00.000-08:00

I've been asked by PEN Center USA to be a presenter at its annual Literary Awards Festival, a fancy ceremony that's being held at the Beverly Hills Hotel on Wednesday night. Click the above photos to enlarge the invitation and see all the fabulous people who'll be there. (Elmore Leonard! Dustin Lance Black! Other writers who will shame me because I don't know who the hell they are!)

It's all rather serendipitous because I'll be presenting the award for Drama, an honor that I won in 2001 for The Theory of Everything, and I'll be handing it to friend and fellow blogger and playwright Marisela Trevino Orta, whose Braided Sorrow snagged the prize this year. I like Marisela because, when it comes to her playwriting career, she does everything I tell her to do, like win the PEN Award and come speak to my playwriting class tonight.

Anyway, this is all fine and good and exciting and everything, but the point of this post is I get to buy a new tie!

(And of course regular readers know that a fancy Hollywood parties post is forthcoming! Yay! Which celebrity will I try to embrace this time?)

"Christian Side Hug": Religious Rap That Will Make Your Jaw Drop for All the Wrong Reasons

2009-12-01T06:00:00.000-08:00

You already know how much I enjoy it when Christians try to spread their message through secular music. It is this innovative thinking that has yielded such spectacular results as "TRMITK" and "Jesus Is My Friend"—two videos of musical performances so unintentionally funny that it's enough to make you believe in a higher power. Well, now it's time for hip-hop music's entry in the world of serious but hilarious (to us) religious songs. "Christian Side Hug" embraces an abstinence-only message (because frontal hugs are sinful), while mixing in phat beats, Star Wars samples, and truly gangsta gunshots. Brace yourself. Watch:

[Thanks to Michael DeAntonio.]

Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate

2009-11-30T15:00:00.000-08:00

Oh my freaking Christ. And I thought the first one was bad (motherfucker glitters in the sun!). The new one is even worse. Don't even try to argue with me. You know why? You and your movies have zero credibility. You know why you and your movies have zero credibility? Because motherfucker...glitters...in the sun! Shut up. I'm done here.

"Fraggle Rock" Movie: Can I Get a "Hell Yeah"?

2009-11-30T12:00:00.001-08:00

Speaking of The Muppets, did you know that a feature-length film version of Fraggle Rock is in the works?! When I was a kid, I forced my parents to get HBO so I could watch the show, and, once I did, I fell in love with it. I mean, after all, at one point in my life I wanted to be a Muppet. (I know, I know, some of you think I already am a Muppet. But I'm not. There's no hand up my ass.) Remember?: