Princess Peiyi

4 months past

noreply@blogger.com (Peiyi) — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 06:52:42 PDT

4 months has past, and amazingly, things have changed so much. I still love R, a lot, and R has also broke up with his gf. But does that mean that we are together? NO. We are not back together, and I have also ended the other relationship.

I am just F.U.C.K.E.D. up. Sigh.

I am still waiting for R to return. I wonder when that day will be.

Things I can't quite comprehend

noreply@blogger.com (Peiyi) — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 06:45:27 PDT

R just went home, surprisingly, not back to KL, but back to his "kampong". It kinda worries me, because something must have happened back home, but I am not quite sure if it is something good or bad. It just worries me.

Does it mean that I still stand a chance, since it is a draw, and he ain't spending time with me, or her?

Goodness, I am still as naive as ever, because maybe she is also with him back at his hometown.

Sighz.

I am super duper hopeless.

I miss R terribly.

(Apparently, one of the supervisors from the sub-contractors was spreading words among the workers, saying that me and R are dating. F.U.C.K.)

I don't need tiffany

noreply@blogger.com (Peiyi) — Thu, 25 Mar 2010 06:55:10 PDT

I really don't need them. I told R before, even if he can only afford to take bus with me, as long as we take the ride together, I am contented already. It's over already, I know... But some things will stay in your heart forever.

林俊杰, 蔡卓妍 - 小酒窩(粵語版)

noreply@blogger.com (Peiyi) — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 08:01:48 PDT

Soccer Team

noreply@blogger.com (Peiyi) — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 20:23:59 PDT

I am like a team player, and there, she is also another team mate of mine who I can never get along with. So, R, being the coach of the team will decide who plays the game. She isn't the star player of the team, R has not found one yet. But at least to gets to play the game. And who I am in the team? RESERVED. I am just playing as a reserve. Unless she is out of the game, I will never get to play...

*****
I can't remember when, I was crying badly in front of R, the exact words that came out of my mouth, "Please don't send me off..." Why am I the one to get the red card?

*****
Two days ago, just two days ago, he told me that he loves her more than me. My heart really shattered into pieces. For the past 3 weeks, I still have that tiny hope that things will change for the better. He just need time to think. After all, what is a 4.5 month relationship compared to a 7 years relationship? Yet, when I knew he was rethinking, I knew I had some hope. Yet I lost, I lost quite badly, and got my in a bad shape. I cried so much I didn't even know I love him so deep.

*****
What I learnt from the relationship:
1) The girl is not what you call a "good girlfriend", at least in his friends' eyes. Yet, he chose her over me. I am a "good girlfriend", because I always place my boyfriend in the first place when I date (and myself as second), yet, he can accept her flaws. I have to really get over it. He can, choose someone with a lot of flaws, and not someone, who takes good care of him. Power of love...

2) Never to keep relationship in dark. I was so wrong in doing it. My initial stand of doing it was hoping to not let my female boss knows about us, in case we get transferred to different sites. Now I realised, his stand of keeping in the dark was not the same as mine. Everyone know who R's "real" girlfriend is. They had meals with her, went out with her, knows her... And me? I am just someone who dates him but he is not willing to tell anyone. I gave him unconditional love. I never asked for any return. Yet his betrayal for my love was too great. How can I not get mad at it?

3) Follow your heart. I followed my heart, and failed badly this round. It doesn't mean I lost everything, and in fact, I was happy to see the true colors of R. I still love him madly, sad to say, but I can't be back with him unless he is willing to. There's more things I could have done to make this relationship worked, but I didn't, like going back with him to KL instead of hoping he will stay in Singapore... I knew I could do that, but at that point of time, I only bear grudges.

4) When you see that someone is not willing to do something for you, it means he doesn't love you. The last time he went back to KL, I was freaking sad. I sent him to the bus station, and was crying like crazy. Yet, he did not stay back for me. All I was hoping for, and even, at that situation, a guy who really loves you, will stay back to console you. I will still let him go back and find her the next day, but he did not do it for me.

And the fact is, he told me, he will never break up with her, like a few months back, should have given me a tight slap in my face. I should have realised that if he really loves me, he will do anything for me. All I did was to deceive myself, getting myself so hurt. And I was still lying to myself that all he needed was time.

I will not let myself get hurt again in love.

Yup, I know I have to wait, or maybe not

noreply@blogger.com (Peiyi) — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 07:06:26 PST

I am slowly trying to move out of misery. Oddly, I *suddenly* felt better today, perhaps too busy with work... But I see him everyday, talking to him like nothing has ever happened. Yet, the heart and head pains every day and night. but I cannot throw myself onto him unless he really shows his sincerity.

Terrible post

noreply@blogger.com (Peiyi) — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 22:03:28 PST

The feeling inside me is terrible. I want to puke since morning, because I haven't eaten much since breakfast yesterday (it's nearly 2 p.m. now).

I lost my appetite, and to think I am typing here, means I am alright?

I am on MC today. Not because of food poisoning, my heart hurts, but doctors don't give MC for heart pain right?

I have maintained, desperately attempt to maintain, a relationship that has never flourished. It was hidden, maybe not well, under the eyes of people around us, but it never manage to grow into a true relationship.

The relationship is dead by this fourth month.

The reason he gave was stupid, silly, yet I think the foolishest of all was me.

I nearly jeopardise my "real" relationship by dating R, and cared and love R more. Didn't have to measure the love by a ruler, but he was the first person I wake up and think of every morning.

I did like most stupid things and silliest things for him but I didn't care a shit. Yet he told me, he was not comfortable with me.

How can he ever be comfortable with me when there is always someone between us?

Can you imagine my agony when we are out dating, and he has to pick up her phone call?

Can you imagine when we kissed, suddenly the phone rang again??

How can you be comfortable?

And he said, he still love me. What bullshit...

I am so upset, freaking upset now...

noreply@blogger.com (Peiyi) — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 01:35:54 PST

I cannot comprehend some things. Some things for sure, I am pretty much sick when guys promises THESE and that. Like 100 promises all in all, only ONE is fulfilled. You should know how much hope there is with every promise, and once broken, trust is hard to remain.

No doubt, my life is pretty much stable now, but my love life... I leave it to you guys to judge, but honestly, who are you to judge what kind of person I am? Follow your heart or mind, is something difficult to decide which to take, but honestly, the decision to make kills your heart...

I love the feeling of being in love. I have grown to become someone desperate to stay in love. So when I was out of love, I found love very soon. But why am I not contented?

Maybe I am not not-contented, but just too fickle to be in love?

Maybe a fickle person shouldn't even ask for a long-term relationship. I have already stop thinking about marriage. Marriage before 30 years old is virtually an impossible thing for me to handle. But can't a fickle person be HAPPILY in love?

I told him to F*** off, and he did. F.I.N.E.

Now I want T-shirts

noreply@blogger.com (Peiyi) — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 22:08:53 PST

As you should know by now, working on the site means tee-shirts and t-shirts everyday. Once in a while, I do wear blouses, but honestly at the end of the day, t-shirts are still the most comfy and practical tops for site works. I am tempting to buy shirts from Threadless, which I am quite having a hard time to resist that temptation.

(Ok, just decided a budget of $200 should be fine ya?)

With the to-be bride. Wheeee!

(I've just chatted a bit with the girl who owes me The Oyster Photos. LOL. What a name to call :))

The Wedding Lunch and Fucked.Up.I.am Post

noreply@blogger.com (Peiyi) — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 21:11:00 PST

I refer it to "THE Wedding Lunch" because it is like the one of the few, if not the only wedding I have attended so far. It's odd, because at this age when most people are getting married, I seem to have attended very very few weddings.

But anyway, the lunch was good. Food was not that great, but the companion was superb. It seems like only yesterday we have just seen each other, then we realise it has been a good ten years we have last chatted. I do realise our topics were stuck in days we were in teens, but nonetheless, we had a great time gathering with old friends. So, it really proves that the lunch was really a gathering and a WEDDING. (Bride insisted it was not a wedding though)

********
So I have earlier highlighted that it is going to be a post about me as well. I have no idea how I should start from here. Maybe... As most have know by now I am dating Dylan (D), a guy 3 years my junior. I am still dating him, and probably in love with him. But now, I am not sure, someone came into my life. I do not know how it happened, but perhaps it all started with a crush, but I didn't stop that immediately. Now I am just stuck. It is not just a triangle thing... it is a four-sided thing. Isn't that how shitty I am?

In other words, I admit myself crossing the line of loyalty, and emotionally betrayed my dearest boy. I want to be back with D, like whole-heartedly, and I admit, he is just too good for me. He never fails to make me laugh; he cares for me, sincerely; he does not lose his temper on me, and even if he did on one or two occasions, he will apologise to me once he realises his mistake; he always lets me have my way because I am the queen of his heart; he grows fatter because he will finish up ALL my food when I can't finish them; he dresses well, whenever he goes out with me because I am important to him.... I mean, he is just THAT man I always wanted-- cute, caring, hot, tall, nice, sweet.... WHY AM I NOT SATISFIED?

At this rate I am going, I need to change my age to get hitched from thirty to thirty-two.

Fucked up. FUCK.

Yet another month MIA

noreply@blogger.com (Peiyi) — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 20:20:34 PST

I wanted to change to new grounds for blogging. Yet I saw changes in me a couple weeks ago, which now I am not able to do so already. I don't what life has in store for me, but I deeply believe in chuan dao qiao tou zi ran zhi (Forgive me for not being able to type in chinese with this computer). I do hate changes, and fret over the slightest change, yet, things are way beyond my own control, unless I am exceptionally RATIONALE.... which you should know by now, I AM TOTALLY NOT ONE.

Shuo is coming back, the best reason to celebrate now. I can't really imagine, a friend of so many years, getting married. You've seen her grow, love, fall, and all sorts of nonsense and shit, and now, she is engaged, and MARRIED. Ohmigod, I just can't imagine what is it like if I were in her position. Finding the right one is just so difficult, and staying just true to one for so long.... I am not sure if it will be my turn in 4 to 5 years time, but I do hope that day will come.

Speaking of it, we were badmouthing a witch which we both secretly dislike for ages. It feels good to be a bitch sometimes.

See you soon Shuo!

Disturbing post

noreply@blogger.com (Peiyi) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 08:48:30 PDT

We have yet to start with the actual structure of the building, and an accident happened at the site. I was pretty worried because it was my first day to step on the pile cap, and the next moment the supervisor of the team fell of the pile cap in the evening. It was scary, because blood gushed out from his head. I am thinking how long I will stay in this industry. Danger is indeed everywhere around me.

Sighz.

Then again, the emotional side of me is exposed again. I wonder if any of you who reads my blog really cares about me. I think I will change to a new blog soon, once I have the time to. Simply because people who really cares doesn't read my blog. I do know some times in life, when you gain something, you will lose something. I have been portrayed as a petty, fussy, grumpy personality, and isn't this what all already knew? At least I have been a true friend, some one who is always there when you need help. How many times have I rejected to help? How many times have I offered more help than one even needs? I find it confused, because sometimes when I treat one well, all I expect is for that someone to treat me a a good friend, without any returns of favour. Yet.... sighz. When I told Dylan about it, I got real upset. But I kinda slapped myself and welcome myself to reality-- you will outgrow some friendship, somehow.

But I do hope something good comes out between Dylan and I. For those who are curious to know who Dylan is, he finally got a Facebook account last night. HEHE! I shall shamelessly tag myself on his photos, and label me as THE GIRLFRIEND. How about that?

On Makeup

noreply@blogger.com (Peiyi) — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 21:50:31 PDT

Now I finally understood why when H met up with me her eyes were covered with "BRILLIANT" colors. I meant brilliant, because there were shades of blue, green and I thought looks very odd on sunny days, girls' day out. So, she is a fan of Xteener. If you still do not know who Xteener is, you got to check out on Youtube. A great makeup guru on Youtube. However, I do think her makeup is more suitable for parties, studio, but definitely not shopping (think hot sunny weather when makeup starts to melt a little and streaks of blue colors or purple looks odd on faces of Asians) Her vids are great though!

Meeting Fat Boy later. HEHE!

How can one find true love?

noreply@blogger.com (Peiyi) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 08:36:14 PDT

I was talking to an old friend of mine who just got attached recently after two years of singlehood. The guy she was dating seemed like a really nice guy, and of course, I am really she is dating someone now.

But at the back of my head, I wonder, if it is a wise choice to date a nice guy.

It really bothers me, because in the past, I really hope to end up with a nice guy. Not that Dylan is a bad guy, but I mean a Mr Nice Guy that I hope I can date. But it turned out the previous relationship was a flop, I am very much over and done with the delusion.

I realise for some reasons, guys' brains are nearly modified to think in the same way. No matter if he is a nice guy or a bad guy. I don't wish to use the B word here to describe the male counterpart, but if girls, if you have dated more than twice, you will definitely agree with what I say. I am so convinced, with the fact that every guy is a B, and honestly, it doesn't make any difference to me dating a Mr Nice Guy or a bad boy. Sadly, I feel that in one way or another, I have little faith in marriage by now. And all I am praying for is that I will not date a new man, because I am afraid of dating all over again.

Don't be mistaken by the way, there are not major problems in my relationship with Dylan now.

But how can you find true love?

I thought I found mine when I was 18. Then at 23, I sorta gave up hope when I dated the ex. Now, I thought Dylan was great, but is he THE ONE? How can you tell?

The feeling bothers me once in a while, because, while Dylan is the one I look for when I am sad, happy, angry, emo..., I am questioning if he is the perfect guy for me. I feel that a puzzle piece is missing, because I do find my life's a void without a man I call MY OWN. Basically, the term is husband. Yet, I don't feel the urge of settling down, and honestly, even five years from now, to have a husband, have kids... it just feel too weird, too fast for me to take it. How can I ever make that step into marriage?

Somehow, at the back of my head, I have a bad feeling that things will not work out between Dylan and me, because he won't settle down five years later, and by then, I am already 30. I admit I am already seeing the end of this relationship, but I am just praying that if things should happen, it should happen earlier and with tell-tale signs. THe problem is, is he my true love???

On expectations of new job

noreply@blogger.com (Peiyi) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 01:19:57 PDT

Ok, the fact is, I am not expecting too much from it. For those who already knew and for the benefit of those who are still not aware of, I am starting my new job after Hari Raya (WHEEE!). The work location is at Jalan Kayu/ Sengkang area and honestly, it should be really convenient for me.

I received a phonecall from my job agent, N, earlier on, and he was advicing me on the dos and don'ts when I am in the job. Apparently, N also recommended another female colleague of mine to the same job (posted to another site). So he was telling me that when he interviewed the girl, she wore no makeup. But when she was posted to the site, she started to put on heaps and loads of makeup on her face. Not only that, she openly criticised a senior engineer for his poor English. As a result, my deputy director was very unplease with her, and told N about it, and N came to advice me regarding these issues.

Isn't the colleague absurb?

Firstly, I admit that I can't live without my makeup. but anyway I always put on minimal makeup unless neccessary (clubbing, going to town). But as I went through the interview, and even before that, I find that when you are working as an engineer and putting excessive makeup, chances are, most guys will treat you like a vase or a bimbo. A lot of times, your work may not be appreciated already, and when you are being treated as brainless, the effort you put in work will be more insignificant. Although reports have claimed that more attractive people are being rewarded more than less attractive people, being overly concerned with your image will only backfire.

So, in fact before receiving that phonecall, I have already decided once I start work, I will chuck all my cosmetic to one side, except essentials such as moisturiser, sunblock and serum. I am going makeup-less, which I doubt will scare anyone away. Yes, even my beloved eyeliners will be gone, although I cannot do without them. It is actually just a matter of habit, of not putting makeup on your face, and I think I will be fine in it.

Then, the criticism part. I can, immediately tell that she is a fresh grad. If you have worked long enough, you won't make such a mistake. In my point of view, she was also being too arrogant. I admit I have a same air of arrogance (in some sense) when I first started work, and gave myself some reality check after some obstacles in my previous work. I can totally understand how this arrogance came about, because you think you are superior because you are a graduate, which is something that A LOT of fresh graduates' mindsets are, sub-conciously. That is also the main reason of the quarrels between my ex and I, because each of us think we are always right.

But of cos, it is difficult, to draw a line between being confident and being arrogant. How do you know if it is over? And when I tried to be less arrogant, I became low in confidence in my previous job. I hope I can learn as time goes by how to exude confidence in my job and not beiong portrayed as arrogant.

Hope my colleague learns her lesson. And best of luck for my work!

(I will still party on Saturday nights. Anyone?)

So I am free now

noreply@blogger.com (Peiyi) — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 05:00:29 PDT

Kinda, as you might have known by now I am ending my current job with Mr B. Again, he lied to me, and of course, when he made such a promise, I treated those words like crap; and I was right again he once again failed to keep his promise. From the more positive point of view, if I ever become my own boss, I will only make promises when I can fulfil them, and not saying them as and when I want to.

So, enough of all B's nonsense. I am free from him now and I am glad I can finally have a week off before I start my new job.

Woohoo!

noreply@blogger.com (Peiyi) — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 21:18:13 PDT

My shares are sold FINALLY, which means I made more than 25% from what I have earlier invested. Well done!

That marks the end of contact with the ex, which makes me real elated.

I've also made a couple of investments, and what I can say is, they are growing. I am still comtemplating if I should re-invest in the same stock again, because the company is home-grown, and has all along maintain a positive balance sheet.

But investments make you poor, as in, when you pump in investments, you will end up with little liquid cash, which sucks.

But then again, if I start work, I probably don't need so much cash in hand since the only expenditure for the next few months will probably be solely on transport and food.

Now, Peiyi is feeling slightly richer. Time to pamper myself a bit :)

Change of new website

noreply@blogger.com (Peiyi) — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 00:42:16 PDT

Perhaps? I feel like blogger which was once user-friendly, lacks a lot more features such as password protecting. Xanga did the job great, and I loved it, but the lack of storage space back then made me changed to Blogger (now Xanga comes with webspace too). The ease of changing the web design is what I loved most here, but apparently, I am growing sick of doing new designs for my website.

I am already blogging on a newer grounds for Dylan and I, but I am not going to post the addy here for the time being.

Blogger shall remain as a place for my personal posting, more on the emo side perhaps (but ironically, I wanted a happier blog at the start).

********
Read on if you are interested in my rantings.

I am so pissed off at the stupig ex-bf. Apparently, I bought some shares with his account before the breakup, and now I have 20 lots of shares stucked in his account. He was MIA since last night, which I thought perhaps I smsed him a lil too late. I smsed him because I wanted him to sell off my shares, which I actually only owned 25% of that 20 lots, the rest belongs to my siblings. Ok, fine, so he didn't reply my sms.

Today, the target price I set for selling the share was hit. So I smsed him again. I bet 100% that he has missed my sms, and has not sell off my shares. Well Done. I hate to keep in touch with him. And it was an opportunity for us to break contact. I hate it when things are still hanging in the air.

So, now, I will have to wait for him blardy sms again, because I found out he has been out in the sea for a while and not able to do any transaction. Speaking of which, that is what I hated most. His accusation against me and all those silly stuffs... I simply regreted dating him. In fact a few days ago, I found a black wallet, which I had almost no recollection of who gave that to me. And realised he was the one who gave me that dumbass wallet on my birthday. Hello? A black, men's styled wallet for me? Are you crazy? When I saw it, I detested myself for loving him. I find it VERY grotesque that I had once fallen for him and if given a chance, I rather not date him at all. Last birthday, we were supposed to be still in love. But he gave me such an unthoughtful present for my birthday. Just so sickening.

So, you see, I really hated that ugly past of mine. Even though Mr M and I broke up (in case you are wondering, M is the ex-ex bf, and H is the ex-bf), I find that it was great that we had dated before(no, I don't ever want to be back in the relationship). As for H, he just totally made me hated that past. So you see, I really want my money back, and break off all connections with him, yet he is still as selfish as he was before. Since he already know that I want to sell off my shares, why don't he just get his brother to monitor the shares for him while he is away? Since he already knew that on Monday, the shares was very close to my target price, shouldn't he do something about it? This is how responsible a Navy Captain is. I'm sorry, no offence to the country's navy, but just that there is this kind of personnel in the Navy making me grossed out and all.

I JUST WANT MY MONEY BACK SOON!

Btw, I gave that wallet to Dylan, and I told him about the story behind the wallet. LOL.

Finally it's done

noreply@blogger.com (Peiyi) — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 01:39:29 PDT

I have finally completed my website for my Specialist Dip and right now, I am very satisfied with how it turned out.

Unfortunately, I can only show you guys how it looks like if you ask for it, because I didn't upload a copy online., and most important reason, I took the photos from an online blogshop without permission :P

But it was a bold move. I meant to design the website for my company, but later, as B wanted to change a lot of the content, I was too lazy to actually brainstorm the content to fill up the pages. I thought it would be easier for me to design a pseuso-blogshop.

Haha. So I did. I am feeling so happy right now, because it felt like I have really designed a website for my own blogshop (which doesn't exist actually).

Speaking of which, it makes me wanna sell stuffs online again. Hmm, enough of procrastinating.

Wish me luck for my presentationSSSS later. Actually two of them. Meeting HS later becuase she will be leaving for good to USA. TTYL!

Let's just say...

noreply@blogger.com (Peiyi) — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 10:20:51 PDT

... I'm stuck. Now that there is a job offer for me, which I have yet to sign the appointment letter, I am really wondering if I should give it a go now. It's not a fickle-minded personality in me that is making me kinda thinking, and thinking through, and thinking, but I am seriously afraid that I am just accepting this job because I want to get out of my current job. I know that the offer will promise me higher returns that I want, yet, am I able to leverage myself to that level so that I will be at the stage of getting what I want?

I am also kinda resigned to fate, because even though part of my heart still goes to a 9-to-5, 5-day work week job, I am not at all interested in going through another round of tedious process of sending out resume, waiting for interview response, going for interview.... and rejection/no response/acceptance. The word is just lazy, but should I be lazy to seek for a better offer which may only come in another 2-3 months, or work like a slave for the next few months (perhaps years)? I know once I accept the offer, I can only quit the job in three months. But when I thought of all these crap, I just hate to re-decide, re-think, re-find all over again. Just take it I suppose?

Gosh, I find myself turning into a different person, I am not sure, but I seldom fret over work. Maybe it's the age. Because as I look around me, friends are getting engaged, getting new HDB flat... and even my YOUNGER sister is starting to save up for her wedding. But geez, I am not even ready for all that even though my age rounds up to 30 already. If I am perhaps in my early twenties, I probably wouldn't think I am that far off from the track. But here I am still stuck at the starting point, after two years of working, and nothing is paying off. Is it because I didn't put in enough effort? Or am I just lousy? Should I even be thinking of the rewards at this stage?

FUCK

ah, that feels better (for now).

Mixed Feelings

noreply@blogger.com (Peiyi) — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 11:22:41 PDT

Oddly, I wasn't as happy as I thought. Alright, maybe because I am afraid of going into a new environment all over again. Anyway it's more or less confirmed, just waiting to sign the document.

But there are tons of stuffs to give up for now. It makes me real sad. Dar saw my sadness, gave me a tight hug, and my tears flew out uncontrollably. I knew why I cried, because I may never have a chance to continue my pilates and sewing classes again. Probably I could do it next year, but how long will that be? And will I have to re-learn everything from scratch again?

I still want to make my own cheongsum. SIGHZ.

But then again, I see that if I don't get out of the current job, I will be stuck. And 1 or 2 years down the road, even if I succeed in this project of my beloved Uncle, high chance, I will still be a nobody.

Where will I go from there then?

Then again, I have swallowed all my pride and ego to accept this job (I haven't really accepted it officially). I am facing the fact now that the job market is very poor, and there is no way I can re-enter the job market as a two-year exp project engineer. First of all, the experience is pretty limited, and I definitely do not have the calibre to handle a large project. Secondly, if I am going to be trapped in the idea that I have two years experience and do not wish to accept an entry-level pay, chances are, one year from now, I will still have a limited two-year experience, which will still make it very difficult for me to enter the job market, and I still do not have the calibre.

Why no try it all over again? That's what I am going to do.

I no longer wish for a easy job. No work is easy. Yes, I do envious peers making more than $3k a month, when we have had the same amount of education yet being paid differently; and perhaps the work load has been the same all along. But I realised not everyone has the same opportunity, and whatever we have, we should make the best out of it, and work REAL hard for it. But when I looked at it from another perspective, is that peer able to bring him/herself to a higher level? I've seen a peer taking 14 MCs (real and fake) a year, and still holding on to her job, and it is obviously that her boss knows her lousy performances as reflected by her bonus. Should I envy her for her job and her pay? Now, yes maybe for the easy job, not sure in 5 years' time.

And I discovered more things after I talked to Dar over and over again, and I like the fact he really spent time listening to me. He gave me his support, and he was the one who made me understand that the fact that being a Uni graduate I may have been more arrogant than I thought, and didn't want to accept jobs that paid low; he made me understood that I should focus on what I am doing, and not just, for one second think about online sales, and the other second thinking of IT class, and other second thinking of God-knows-what-again; he was the one who made me discover that when we want something, we need to work real hard for it. He is just that wonderful man who has been with me these months, taught me so much, and showered me with love.

As I looked back at how much I have lost, I felt I've gained more now. It's a totally new feeling I am feeling right now, being thankful for where I am at now. (Shit, I sound very christian-y, no offence though!) But I do hope for the best for whatever I choose right now, something good will come out of it, be it love or job.

So, I am going to accept the job, right?

Back to ground zero

noreply@blogger.com (Peiyi) — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 03:50:12 PDT

Two years working, I found myself stuck at the junction. Unexpected turns in life, and now, what do I want to achieve in my next turn? I question myself so hard, not because I didn't have an answer, but I know in the reality, it's hard to be an engineer for female.

I was not contented in my previous job, but I won't further elaborate why. But right now, I find that based on my experience in previous job, getting a new job is difficult as well.

I can easily let go of my four years engineering studies, and land myself in financial sector (as financial consultant or insurance agent), or the easier way out-- be a teacher. But I know that I will never get the kind of achievement I had in my previous job, when seeing a project completed when it was initially, just a bare piece of land.

But I found myself stuck. Why? I came out to the working society, too unrealistic. I thought I could find an engineering job which was office-bound-- I got my "dream". But sad to say, I learnt minimal I realised, and when I was out of job just last year, I still had this unrealistic wish.

Now I no longer have that wish. Because, even though I haven't been keeping a lookout for jobs from March till June, before March and after June, the jobs more or less required site work.

And I have no experience in site work.

Now, it really bothers me. That means if I am going to chose to become an engineer again, a REAL engineer, not a engineer working in the office, it means I am back to ground zero!

Here's the thing. Working on site = 6 days work week + low pay + long hours + hot sun + all kinds of male species. I am not very ok with 6 days work week, I am ok with the rest as of NOW, but not sure if that will be a problem in months to go. So there is a huge uncertainty again.

However, working on this job = work on site = gain more exposure = learn more = gain more = $$$$ in years to come! Just visit JobsDB and you will believe what I mean. A three-year working experience project engineer can earn $3.5k per month, and for those who didn't know, it will translate to $3k times 14 months (at least) usually, because construction company often will give bonuses, rather than high fixed pay. If one were to become a safety officer, the minimum pay is $4k now for someone with 3-5 years experience.

Of cos, working in financial sector like many others seems more prestigious, and definitely earning more than $3k a month. Damn, it's tempting, but do I want to be stuck in office? I doubt I want to. How much can one earn in 10 years down the road? I think it is better off to be an engineer. (Known to have a steep salary increment)

Then back to ground zero again, I have to settle for a low paying job, in exchange for higher returns, and all thanks to economic crisis, the job market shrunk so badly and pay-wise it is low.. But when I look at my project engineer friend, she can't even do some basic calculation because she has never worked on a real project before (I question at what she is doing, but oh well).

Should I have entered this field two years ago? No, if not I will never learn how realistic the society is. Even if it's your uncle, you are just an employee to him.

But do I want six-day work week?! ARGH! That is annoying!

I am seeing the end of it already.

noreply@blogger.com (Peiyi) — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 08:55:36 PDT

Hoping it's just one of those emo nights.

Oh, by the way, Happy National Day to all.

And Happy Birthday Hanshuo :)

KNNBCCB

noreply@blogger.com (Peiyi) — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 23:19:59 PDT

Excuse me for scolding that whole string of alphabets. Vularities intended, but omit the actually meaning represented by the initials. Oh well. Anyway, I got very very pissed off by my current so-called boss, let's just call B. I seriously hate office politics and speaking of bad things behind B's back, was definitely a big no-no to me, but now, it really hits me that I am SUFFERING in this current job.

Firstly when I first join the company, B claimed that he "doesn't care about the working hours", as long as I get my work done. Mind you, the words are quoted from him, and after working like a month or so, I realised he indeed mind about the time that we arrive at the centre. Whenever I reach like 11+am, he will say that I am late, because he really wants me to come at 10am. But I mean if he meant for me to come at 10am, why didn't he say that before I commence work on the first day?

Nevermind about, I can understand where he is coming from, so I will reach at 10am. But guess what, he will reach at 12nn, and days like today, he reached like 1pm. The worst role model isn't it? And for many a time, I have nothing to do at work, all because he came to work in the least prepared manner, forgetting this and that. Just this Sunday, I had to do so called "overtime", not because I did not complete my work during the weekdays, but because I had to complete the tasks he had forgotten to do during the weekdays.

I get quite angry as well when he forgets about my salary and I had to constantly remind him. I mean, that is what every employee is working for, if not for the job satisfaction, and that is especially true for me in this current job. It feels like to me that I owe him something everytime I ask him for my monthly salary.

Then what got me so angry this time? I think as a employee, when you work hard, it is a natural instinct that you hope that your boss can recognise your effort, in the simplest way. It doesn't mean that the boss needs to praise you each time you complete your work, but maybe just a "Thank you" will be nice, even though it is part of your job scope. However today, it slipped my mind to order the toner for him, and when he realised that I had forgotten all about it, he had like an uncontrollable outburst of rage and said "why you all (refering to me and my colleague) ALWAYS do things like this?!?!?!" Wah lao! I was damn f***ing pissed off!

Firstly, I do not ALWAYS do things like this. In fact, each time when I am entasked a one-week task, I can always finish it within hours. How can he claim that I am ALWAYS underperforming below his expectations?

Secondly, SIR, I am underpaid, in terms of jobscope, my qualifications, in other words, every aspect. But as an employee, I am putting 100% of my effort each time I do your work, and I assure you, you can never find a replacement who can efficiently do all your job. For this pay, at most you can employ a diploma-graduate, but I took up the job because of all your (empty) promises. The fact that initially it was meant to be a part-time job. Yet I gave in my full-time commitment and now, you are secretly turning my job into a full-time job. Ok, I am not even complaining when you asked me to come everyday during the June Holidays, yet getting such a low pay already, you are expecting me to work everyday, when the initial plan was for me to work three days a week, and then expecting to be at your beck and call (with domineering emphasis). Can you promise me a pay of even $5k a month in 5 years time? I hardly think so.

So what are the benefits I get in this job? I hardly think there is any anymore, besides the laptop and the course that I am taking. Each and everytime I needed to settle some stuffs so asked for a off-day, B will say things like "You all ar, treat this like a CCA..." A normal job will give a 14-day annual leave, and in my previous job it was already very bad, this one, is the worst of all. Not that he doesn't allow me to take off, but he will be nagging away, and later ask me to come back to work on Sunday, which happened. And during the holidays, when the two of us came almost everyday for three weeks, he gave us a so-called "paid leave" for a week, which equates to almost nothing. Geez, what a good economist. He has already calculated all this at the back of his head I believe.

Nevermind about all these, the list of thing he has promised:

- I promise I will give you a share of the income of the website once it's completed.

So what is the share like? I hate to be unfair to you but my six sense tells me that I will at most be given 5% share.

- I will give you all a week paid leave in June

Mentioned earlier on. He initially wanted to give us a week's paid leave in third week of June, and we (my colleague YX) and I both had plan for that week already. One week before, he said he can't give us, but YX had to go along with his Aussie plan, and he was not paid for that week. I had to report everyday to work and that goes all my plans I had earlier on.

- You don't have to come tomorrow.

He said that 100 times, but most times, they are invalid statements.

- You come tomorrow at 10.00am.

It's usually like when he ask me to go for work and he never fail to reach at..... 12nn. The official time by right should start at 2pm (that's another reason why I took up the job) and he made me and YX come at 1000am every morning, with him reaching in the afternoon. Yes, maybe you think that he is the boss so he is busy? You are so very wrong! He is late because he sleeps till 10am....

Why can I not get a good boss? I believe it's time for me to move on already. Enough of all the empty promises, what shares, what ownerships. I am not your daughter and it is high chance that you can pang-sei me any time. I need to find a life again, to build my own future with my own hands. I do not care if you tell me that working outside sucks, because working with you, is like "I am employed". You told me that I will have ownership for the project, but each time you had to constantly remind me that "excuse me, you are employed". For this job, the initial idea was for me to work less hours, so that I can be at home more days, to help out with housework at home since all of my family members are busy at work everyday. On the other hand, I thought I will have more time to do my sewing stuffs and you have proven me wrong with your ever-changing start-work and off-work time. I think you can get people to work for you with this pay, but the person will just not be me.

Bless you.

blew a hole in my pocket

noreply@blogger.com (Peiyi) — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 09:06:34 PDT

ASOS

All thanks to this online portal. Up to 80% discount, and even though I have always been browsing through this wbsite since donkey years ago, I have never shopped for anything from there. This time, I did, and bought loads of stuffs.

Time to look forward to the items! Will be delivered "before or on 6th August 2009" so as it claims.

Loves shopping!