Project 25

2010-02-27T15:53:00.001-06:00

On top of everything previously mentioned on here I am yet again running out of money. Why does college have to be so expensive? I don't know how I am going to be able to finish school and not go into massive amounts of debt. I've already got about $9000 in loans already. I'm going to have to find another job, maybe I'll actually get hours if I find a second one.

Aging & going to school are way too stressful.

2010-02-24T00:34:00.004-06:00

I'm considering changing to just have one because I find myself bored during a class required for one of my majors, Anthropology. I picked it to be my major for archaeology but I'm not so sure now. I will keep History but I'll have to come up with a minor. I'm looking at English, Classics, Medieval Europe, and Religious Studies for my minor. Ugh.

2010-02-19T12:17:00.002-06:00

Today I went to see my therapist at school and we talked about two things. One is a problem not related and the second is about turning 25 at the end of the year. I told her about how I don't feel like I have done enough to be as old as I will be. She told me that for her turning 30 was worse, but that people of my generation have more pressure to put on them to be in certain places and having done certain things by the time they reach 25.

She basically said that society has put it into my, and everyone of my generations', head that I should be one way and that if I am not then it is bad.

2010-02-18T14:29:00.000-06:00

I'm sitting here having a MSN conversation with a friend of mine who is also turning 25 later this year, her birthday is about three months before mine. I'm also trying to figure out what my cat is up to, but that's not really related. I showed her the wikipedia article on quarter-life crisis and asked what she thought about it. She feels that she identifies with a few of the items listed, but is more concerned about turning 30.

I honestly can't even fathom turning 30 yet. I'm having enough trouble coming to terms with turning 25 let alone the next milestone age. In addition to my 25th birthday this year my Mom will turn 40 a week and a half later. That's two major birthdays in one month and each means a different thing. While I am going through a quarter-life crisis she will likely be going through a mid-life crisis. My poor family.

Really, my cat keeps disappearing into my roommates room. Her boyfriend is in there asleep while she's off to class; mine was canceled because of snow, I'm writing this on Feb. 16th, which is why I'm on my computer in my apartment and not in class. I'm pretty sure she's just exploring. Anyway...

What was I getting at? Oh yes, I'm learning that aging is a scary, scary thing that is sadly unavoidable. I'm starting to hate that almost as much as I hate the UPS guy.

2010-02-17T13:27:00.000-06:00

Ah, the ex.

Well, he was great but just not right for me. He was several years older than me and I'd known him for years. He'd been after me since high school and I didn't really start to be interested in him until my second or so year of college. As I said before we were never official but I still fell for him. I had trust issues that he helped me get over and for that I will always be glad, but that was why I would never say it was official.

Then last year, around this time, it came to end because he met someone else. The person he ended up marrying at the start of this month. It was a good run, I guess, since he an I were too different. I just didn't see it at the time.

For the month leading up to his wedding, that I was not invited to (long story short: the bride hates me), I kept thinking about what would happen if he called off the wedding. How would I react to it? How did I think he would react? Would I want to get back together with him? Would he want me back? Was I only thinking these things because I want to find my happily ever after?

When those thoughts started creeping in I would inevitably remember a phone call we had during the late summer. During it I realized how wrong we were for each other. He wanted to live in the country and I would rather stay in a big city. He'd be happy in one place for the rest of his life and I want to see the world. Those and other differences made me wonder what I wanted in a guy; what I wanted for my future.

Could I really see myself married in the next five years? I think I would like to be. I know I want children and a husband, just when? Is now the time to come up with a five year plan? If so, what on earth would I put on it besides finishing school? Could I pencil in romance or is that what got me to being single at 24? When I was 16 I thought I would be married and have one or two kids by now. I had it all thought out. My husband and I would live in a lovely three bedroom place in New York City and I would work at one of the best interior design firms in the city.

Well I am living in a three bedroom apartment, but instead of the husband and kids I have a 19 year old roommate whose boyfriend is apparently staying until he leaves for basic in May. I am so annoyed about this, but that is it's own story that won't go here. I still want to know what was going through the minds of the people who thought a 19 year old and a 24 year old should room together. Anyway, that is the only thing that is similar to my 16 year old thoughts.

2010-02-16T11:07:00.000-06:00

I look back on youth with contempt. I have an off campus apartment with a roommate, a girl the complex chose for me based on an application with questions about tastes in music and most prized possessions. She is fresh out of high school, just turned 19, and you can tell it by her every action. Her life revolves around clubs,, drinking and getting high. I think back to how I was at that age and can't recall every being that way. I never did drugs, just never had the desire to do them. Of course I enjoyed the occasional drink, but I have never been one to go get crazy drunk every week-end. I guess I am just more rational or more mature. More something.

Then I think back and I have a friend who was like that and still is. Her life revolves around drinking and getting high. The only job she has is making jewelry and crafts that I am not sure she's sold any of yet. I compare her life to mine and think while I am ahead of her in some areas she has me beat in others. She is in a committed relationship and plans to wed her girlfriend of two or so years sometime this year in a lovely commitment ceremony.

Where I, as I said in the last post, am still single. My last relationship was a year ago and even that wasn't even a relationship truly. We never officially said we were together but went on dates and did other couply things, except for sex, but that's a whole other story. I still refer to him as my ex because he loved me and I loved him, just realized it a bit too late. He recently got married, Feb. 2nd. More on that whole story later.

As I was getting to before my tangent, 19 was a decent age but I do not recall being that bad when I was that age. When I was 19 I was in my freshman year of college and had my heart set on being an interior designer. I spent my free time either on the computer or drawing for my art classes. I did not go out and stay out all night. I didn't go crazy drinking. I didn't really do anything you think of as typical college student behaviour. I am still the same way, only now my major has changed. I think about this and wonder if I should have done things differently when I was younger, if I should have been a wild, immature child. Then I remember how much I really don't like that behaviour and I know I would not have been happier had I done things that way. If anything I probably would have made more mistakes and had more things to regret.

I think of my life now and know that I am happy with not going out to bars and clubs all the time. How I like to limit myself to one, maybe two, drinks if I even drink. I like being reasonable, even if that means boring for the most part. I would rather have a long term relationship than a string of endless flings, one night stands, and occasional boyfriends who won't leave even though they don't live here. Her life is frivolous while mine is stable. There's nothing wrong with that, even if it's not as "fun".

2010-02-15T09:11:00.001-06:00

I always thought that lying about your age was silly. That was until about two days before I realized I was turning 24 and right around the corner was 25. That was when I started freaking out about getting older. Each birthday before I was excited and looked forward to aging. Then 24 rolled around and I felt like I wasn't ready. How is it possible to not feel ready to gain a year?

I started thinking there was no way I could be that old. No, it wasn't possible. I must surely only be 21, at the most, for what I'd done with my life. At that point I told myself that instead of turning 25 next year I would be 21, maybe 22. That felt better. I told my Mom about it and she told me that she remembered her 25th birthday as a hard one to accept.

That was about two months ago and it's been stuck in my mind since. Then the other day I was looking at a website I enjoy and saw that one of the top gifts for turning 25 is a book on finding yourself. That's when I remembered feeling unsure about aging and what my mother said. So I googled "turning 25" and the first site I came upon was about 25 being like a mid-life crisis. That is what made me decide I needed to write this blog. If it is like a mid-life crisis then I would like a detailed account of what all I was going through up to and even after the dreaded day. That way when I'm 40 I can look back and have an idea of what to do.

And maybe this will help someone out there who is also gearing up to being 25 to let them know they aren't alone in fretting. It IS scary. It IS a big deal. Twenty-five is life changing.

2010-02-14T18:41:00.001-06:00

In 292 days I will turn 25.

The knowledge of this life event has made me start to look at my life and all of the decisions I have made so far. I am at the current desperately single and only a juniour in college.

Two years ago I switched majors and now that I am nearing twenty-five I'm starting to wonder if I even want to do what I'm currently in college for. I love history and anthropology, my majors, and I know I want to do something in a related field. Maybe I'm just tried of working towards my goal because I just want to be working in my chosen field already. But I suck it up and go to class anyway, knowing that it will pay off in the end.

It seems like everyone I went to high school with has already finished college and gotten married; lots of them already have children. How am I supposed to feel knowing this? Am I the odd one out or were they the weird ones? Have I passed my prime and am doomed to be behind everyone forever? Or when our ten year reunion rolls around will I be the most accomplished person there? Only time will tell.

Over what I am planning on being an approximately two year blog I'll post all of the up's and down's of going from 24 to 25 and, if I can manage it, going from 25 to 26.