Of course, I am indeed a deeply spiritual person which is what brought me to work in a spiritual way. Yet despite being this way to my core, I’d like to believe that I exist somewhere between the depths of a truely connected spiritual world and a modern everyday society. Living between the two means I get to talk to people about a whole range of things. Being open with people brings that to me anyway and my psychic work allows me to sit, talk and listen to people all the time. So often I find people with a deep desire to just find their soulmate, talk about how they found their soulmate or speak of the pain that is to lose what they saw as their soulmate. It’s inspiring, amazing and sometimes downright heart wrenching to hear people when they really believe they’ll never find another love as deep as what they lost or perhaps that they are losing the idea that they will ever find it at all. When someone reaches out to you like that and asks with a gaping hole in their heart, is it possible that there is more than one soulmate for everyone, how on earth do you answer? Even still, how do you respond when someone speaks so highly of a partner, believing they are the one and only soul for them, clearly seeing that person does not feel the same way? What of the thousands of people each day out there chasing rainbows searching for that perfect soulmate? It’s hardly comforting to them simply saying don’t worry, you’re soulmate is out there, it will come. Some of them have been waiting for “it will come” for many years.

Of all the spiritual beliefs I hold, believing that there is only one soulmate for everyone isn’t one of them. In fact my whole take on the subject can surprise and challenge people to look at it from a very different angle. Somehow people expect me to believe in the entire “yep this is your soulmate so, like it or not this is your one shot at a perfect love” scenario. The deepest parts of me have a hard time getting to grips with our souls being paired up in some strange universal cosmic order that for each soul there is only one match. No, the things that I have learned, seen and gathered are that we can find a soul connection with many others throughout our lifetime. If you truely want to embrace this you need to understand that not all will come in a romantic form and even when they do, it doesn’t mean that ”destiny” will see the two of you together and happily ever after into the sunset. Do I believe that it could be that way? Of course I do, I’ve seen people come together so deeply and spend the rest of their lives in blissful happiness. However, simply finding someone you connect with does not make that instantly happen or be subject to a lifelong guarantee. Even soulmates have their work in the relationship, because souls have to exist in this real world too and the real world can be a wonderous place, but it can also be a cruel, harsh mother. I feel that soulmates are designed to teach one another, to grow, evolve and learn from their time during any given lifetime.

If souls can recognise each other, make connections, even those we do not logically understand, then surely we can make those connections and recognitions regardless of sex or race for example. Can you give birth to your soulmate? I believe it is possible, the same way that I believe it is possible to find your soulmate and eventually have to walk away when the relationship simply holds no more meaning in this real world. Just because you love that deeply, doesn’t mean it is right to hang onto a destructive relationship. Most importantly, you must stay open to those connections and realise that just finding one doesn’t mean that’s it. It doesn’t exclude everyone else for the rest of your life from being titled your soulmate. Haven’t you ever loved someone you believed was your soulmate, only to find that feeling changed later? True soulmates aren’t supposed to lose their luster are they? Why then are we living in a society of divorces and marriages, constantly searching for a perfect love? There is still a real world to exist in, even if our souls know they are right for one another, the real world doesn’t always agree. To me that is a part of life’s lessons, learning to live between the realms, being spiritual beings in real bodies. Sometimes there are the deepest lessons in this life about letting go, however sad and unsettling that may be at the time. Letting yourself get locked into the belief that there is only one for you may actually block you from another connection later on that could bring even more happiness.

Then I suppose the next question to all this is, what’s the point? Why have a soulmate at all if it’s not going to hold some special meaning or value to this life? Why can’t it be like hitting the jackpot and living happily ever after with someone who completes the other half of you? Those connections, however deep, however happy, sad, painful or otherwise, each one brings something deeper into your life. Each one brings a better understanding of life, love, relationships, of what you want, desire, need, the list can go on and on. Taking away the value of a soul in your life is like devaluing the meaning of life itself. We learn something from everyone that enters our lives, it’s just that some of those people bring something that little bit more rich to us, something unexplainable. There’s always a point, always a special meaning, I think people just need to get around the fact that it doesn’t equal perfection. No soul is perfect, no being, no human at least, it’s what makes living this life so amazingly interesting.

I would never ask anyone to let go of the ideals of love, the concept of having a soulmate as it were. It’s the very thing I would advise people to hold in their beliefs, right close to their hearts. If we haven’t got an ideal about what this whole love game is all about, then we’d never know what it was we were aiming for in life. We’d never allow ourselves to feel something extrodinary, something amazing and love is simply amazing. When you let go of the belief of the ideal love, you give up on love itself. Finding a soulmate isn’t about finding the perfect person just for you, it’s about celebrating the perfect love you hold for an imperfect person. About holding onto someone that brings a deeper meaning to your life. Just do love a favor and remember that it’s not up to one person to complete you, one person cannot fill a void within you that suddenly gives your life purpose, that is up to you. Taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of your soulmate. If you strive to bring happiness to yourself, then you strive to invite it into the life of the people you share it with.

If you’re still out there chasing the dream of that ideal romance, looking for that one soul that brings a little something special into your life, it is out there. I know it’s not a total comfort, not with the in’s and out’s that dating bring, the problems that people carry over from their previous loves before you, but it does exist. Just don’t let yourself get so cynical that you miss it, or not so caught up in the ideals that you push every imperfect being away from you. Sometimes your soulmate comes in a way that is unexpected, but you must have a heart open enough to embrace it at the time. Take care of you in the meantime, learn something from friendships, other connections that you already have in your life. There too are soulmates, waiting to teach you extraordinary lessons and take you places your heart will thank you for. Be sure you feel balanced on your own, not having a lover does not make life less enriching, only if you choose to see it that way. You wouldn’t be doing your future love any justice if you expected them to restore balance into your life, you can only expect that they add something special to it.

When you find someone that makes your soul sing, work at it. Those new feelings won’t last, but they can go so much deeper. Someone that evokes such a song in your heart doesn’t come along everyday and that is how we recognise a soulmate, if you will. They bring something extraordinary to your ordinary life and very often they challenge you to know yourself better. Even if I hold the belief that we can connect with many souls throughout our life, I’m not suggesting for one second that we will meet a thousand people who we connect with in that way. I’m saying that, though possible, you are not likely to, at least not in the way that they would be your lover. But you can find more than one in your lifetime and certainly find it in some of the most unexpected places, in unexpected souls. So finding it, is special and amazing, I would never suggest otherwise.

I once sat with a woman who was close to 85 years old planning her wedding day. She had never given up on finding another soulmate after her first husband passed away some 20 years before. She was an amazing woman and someone we could all learn a little something from.

Being a Psychic and Clairvoyant, it is only natural that I have been asked quite often how this whole process works. Curiosity is something I encounter a lot, between those that desire to know for their own journey into the psychic realms and those that simply have the chance to ask about something they do not fully understand. I welcome such questions, as I always have, because like them I too once had questions that led me to where I have come in my journey. Besides, what a fantastic opportunity to converse and exchange knowledge, you never fully know what someone can offer you unless you talk to one another. One of the biggest loves in my life rests simply in connecting to others, I have learned more about the world that I see and feel through these means than any other. People truly fascinate me.

My attempts to answer the curious and satisfy the need to uncover an unknown, is something I have tried to help others understand as best as I can. It’s taken me some time to try and explain this process and liken it to something that people can find tangible, to help bring them closer to something they can grasp in an everyday way. This is the level I want people to feel it on, as people tend to place Psychic ability somewhere out of reach for themselves and the first steps to development or just understanding is to put it into a context that is accessible. These answers are from my own personal experience, not from books or research, but from the process I am personally taken through and the opinions and beliefs I have developed through those experiences.

When I sit down to do a reading with someone, I am given a range of resources from which I draw upon to read for them. My strongest ability is Clairvoyance, which is the ability to see things in pictures and imagery. When I tune into the energy of the person sitting with me, or in fact those that I am simply linking into, I get to see a series of images that are somewhat like playing charades with Spirit. I have developed a sort of language with Spirit through the years of reading for others, so certain images interpret as a standard message or they may show me things that are personal such as people I know to link names or situations to what the person is going through or experiencing. Mediums have a similar process, with clues put forward by those in Spirit to bring a link between this world and the Other Side. The exciting part can be seeing new things, or how Spirit will put together knowledge that I know about colour, emotions, or things that we in this life are affected by. These images can sit still like a photograph in my mind, or move like a sort of movie being replayed until the message is clear. They can roll through in fast motion, or pause and sit depending on the link and how much they need me to understand. The best example I have been able to help build a bridge to understanding is to say to people to pick a room of their home and picture it in their mind. Perhaps it is your living room, or maybe your bedroom. Most of us are able to walk ourselves through our mind to all the things that are there, taking in the colours of the things that stand out to us, or being able to focus on an object in that room and go up in closer detail if we wanted. It’s a bit like daydreaming, but because it is a familiar place it also invokes different emotions and sensations from the time that we spend there. This is how Clairvoyance works for me, I can see things in the same way that you are able to take yourself into that room in your mind and study the details. The difference is, these are not my images, they are places, people, objects and symbols that are not my own – with the exception of course of those familiar references that Spirit use to help me place names and memories that are similar to that of the person I am reading for. At times I see a word in my mind, a person I have never met, symbolic images like that person walking along a path and encountering different things depending on the situation at hand. I have learned through development how to interpret all these things and bring them into the lives of the people that come to me for guidance.

The next resource that I am able to use is Clairsentience, which is the ability to feel the emotions, physical state of the body or general conditions that person, or someone they know, is going through. When I am giving a reading I begin to feel emotions of the people involved, to feel confusion, happiness, sadness, worry, anxiety, the list goes on. I may even perhaps begin to have a pain in an area of my own body, to feel my stomach upset, a pain in my right knee, or other sensations that give me a clue to what may be happening. These manifestations of energy, emotional or pain, are not always felt in the same way that the reality is, which is why it does not render you in agony or bring you to tears. Although I will admit, there have been some cases where my eyes have gone watery or I had to pull the emotion back as it was so powerful. These impressions are similar to imagining pain or emotion, as we have all experienced this to some degree. We know what it feels like to be happy, or upset, angry and if we imagine a memory that invoked that emotion we can begin to feel it within. Taking yourself to empathise with someone’s pain you can almost feel it yourself. This psychic pain is what I feel, nothing that hurts me in reality, but to feel an impressionable pain in my body that helps me relay the messages about that or give a warning to change a behaviour to avoid it. If Spirit wish to help me further an understanding, they will show me images linked with the pain that I am feeling, so that I can describe it in better detail and come to a conclusion about what it relates to. Clairsentience is how I have been able to understand vibrations, as each being, emotion, feeling, event operates on its own unique vibration. Spiritual understanding takes our inner selves to higher vibrations, while people who endure addictions let’s say are operating on heavier vibrations. It is difficult to explain, but it is the difference between experiencing an amazing day, to a very bad one. You just feel somehow that the bad day is heavier, it weighs upon you. The amazing day seems to lift you up, take you to an elated feeling.

The last resource is somewhat strange to relay over, as it is one that I myself have no real understanding about, since there is no link between not having the information to having it. There are times when during a reading I just know something, as though it is a fact. I would like to say that it comes from making an assumption, but I would not consider it a psychic ability if that was the case. These facts are suddenly just there, as though I already knew it to be true and the ones I am speaking of are quite specific, not generalisations. It is like knowing something from an earlier conversation with a friend, they have told you about something and you are just recalling it again in another conversation. Except in this case, the person in front of me and I have never discussed this before. I often wonder in these cases, which happen frequently but not every time, if perhaps somehow I have tuned into their memory or subconsciously put together information from earlier imagery or feelings in the reading. All I can say is that I just seem to know something, as if by magic. I do not believe I am alone in this, I know that others have experienced similar phenomenon in their lives too, just somehow knowing something but not entirely sure why or how.

All of these things happen simultaneously when I am linking in to a person or energy. Together they form the reading, bring the messages and help me to understand what that person is facing and how things will progress along the pathway they are on. It can happen very fast, when in a matter of moments you are taken through five or six different things. Other times if there is a struggle to get through, then other assessments come, such as dealing with a person who is very guarded or protective of themselves. The language of Spirit over time begins to make sense yet it is always evolving and bringing me new challenges, which is such an interesting aspect of this journey. In the past few years Spirit have brought me a new element in which I am still developing which is Clairaudience. This has been by far, a very challenging ability to get to grips with, but it is one that I am hoping to refine and Spirit can decide how far they would like me to take it. Clairaudience is the ability to literally hear Spirit, like someone talking in your ear or just being in the room. So far it does not happen during readings, save the occasional murmur, yet it is an ability that seems to send me off to sleep many nights. Drifting off to sleep at times, I seem to enter a state where I am able to hear what sounds like people talking on a radio. I hear mostly snippets of sentences, like catching bits of conversations and none of them are often talking to me it always sounds like they are talking to one another. This very peculiar phenomenon has excited me, yet frustrated me all the same as it seems to get lost when I focus upon it. It is however quite comforting and at times helps me sleep and unwind after an exhausting day. I am sure that for many hearing voices may not sound like a healthy thing, yet I can assure you it is not at all a sign of my mental deterioration. I got that confirmed when one of the voices I was hearing happened to be of a friend of mine talking to someone else, it seemed there had been a discussion about me late that night, right at that moment. Which by the way was a positive conversation, so I came to learn. Perhaps that was Spirit’s way of letting me know I didn’t need therapy after all.

A very dear friend of mine recently asked if this process is at all a burden to me, especially when the messages are dealing with hardships or unavoidable destiny. My answer quite simply is no, I have never seen this as a burden ever in my life. I have dealt with both the good and the bad that comes along with this path and you know, it all comes right back to the beginning of this post.

Knowledge is power.

Facing trauma and hardship through my own eyes, but equally through the eyes of others has been such a blessing to me. There is nothing more humbling or powerful to me than having compassion and seeing how utterly amazing the human soul truly is. I have met people who have faced death, abuse, rejection, loss and you know they are not always the ones who are depressed and miserable. At times they are the ones who teach me the strongest lessons and who sit smiling at me counting their blessings in life. Those that are still deeply in the midst of heartbreak and sadness, what better gift than to be the one who can bring a message of hope or peace? When it is not the people here on the Earth plane who are amazing me, it is Spirit bringing love from the Other Side. I have literally been reduced to tears from how inspiring the people I have met have been to me, their stories, their Spirit Guides. Even through the ashes of death life will emerge and it is a true honour to have people invite me into their experiences regardless of how they are.

Those souls have helped me embrace my own path, count my blessings and see life through a brand new pair of eyes. I simply cannot think of a more beautiful gift to have received. If there is one thing I shall treasure until my final breath in this life, it is all the stories retold to me by Spirit of the souls that have sought my guidance. Believe me when I say, each one has taught me something. Each link brings me a new understanding, no matter how mundane their lives might feel or seem to them, there is something powerful in each and every one. I truly take that to heart and I stand humble and grateful to them all.

Like I said, curiosity is a wondrous adventure.

My own introduction into Motherhood was not the most traditional start, but it is one that I have always been honest about, learning and growing from the child that launched me into the adult world. She was my guide from one phase of life into the next and even still she continues to teach me things that I never could have learned without her. Each child that followed seemed to do the same, leading me forward holding my hand and building the bridge between a life that I knew into a brand new existence. However, much unlike some Mothers, I got to meet my children years before some of them arrived to this earthly plane to join me. Getting the privilege of preparation is something I have always been very grateful for and when these little souls arrived I knew how special they all were going to be in their own unique way.

My first child decided to arrive into my life at a time when I was still trying to figure out exactly who I was and who I wanted to be. It was only about a month before my sixteenth birthday when I discovered that Motherhood was meant to be a part of that bigger picture of who I would become. While I knew like most girls that I wanted children sometime down the line, I must admit I wasn’t expecting it right at that moment. Yet somehow I wasn’t shocked either, I let the news wash over me and began to adjust to what was essentially an entrance into the unknown. There was no sense of panic, only a plan that I knew I had to form to prove to myself and those around me that I would not become just another statistic. My primary focus just a short walk away from finding out that she was coming, was to finish my education. I knew nothing about the sort of Mother I was to be, I only knew at that moment in my life the kind of Mother I didn’t want this child to have. I didn’t want her to look up to a Mother who had no example to set and no means to provide for her. The rest I knew we would simply have to learn together. I remember asking the powers that be to give her the gift of forgiveness and compassion, so that perhaps any failings on my part may be overlooked through her eyes and in return I swore I’d do whatever it took to ensure she was happy.

Perhaps Spirit decided that I could use a little more preparation, or maybe I was reaching out subconsciously to the universe to see how this whole journey would turn out. Either way I remember laying in my bed not long after the news that I was with child, looking down and with a hand on my stomach I began to converse with this little soul that was making her way to me. Instinctively I knew I was having a girl, I recall just knowing that as some sort of fact regardless of the reality she and I were only weeks into our time together. I made a lot of promises to her that night and laid there wondering if there were more children one day that might want to join us. I wasn’t ready for an entire family experience, but the whole process of being launched into this place made me curious about her and whether she would get to share her experiences with other siblings. As I drifted off to sleep, my Spirit Guide decided to pay me a visit and allowed me to see the others that were destined to arrive. This dream has been a memory recalled many times through the years and I still remember it like it was yesterday.

My dream began with me walking toward a big purple tent, which sat alone in what looked to be a grassy, wooded area. I went inside and before me sat an old Gypsy woman, dressed in all the attire one would expect from some sort of movie scene. This woman would later appear to me again in time, as she has been one of my main guides through my lifetime. I sat down at her table and she looked up at me in the dream and asked me to cross her palm with silver and she would tell me my fortune. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a huge silver coin and placed it in her hands. She took the coin and then simply said You are here about your children, so I shall tell you. The first is a girl, an independent child filled with strength and light. She is here for you. The other two shall carry my bloodline, Romany Gypsy and these two shall be born under the same Father. The next image I recall in the dream is a photograph of three kids standing together smiling. The eldest girl stood in the back, her hair was blonde and she looked around the age of 15 or 16. To her left stood a boy, who looked very different to his sister and I knew somehow he would be the spitting image of his Father as he bore less resemblance to me. He had short dark brown hair, big eyes and was quite slim. He appeared to be around the age of 9 or 10. The final child stood to the right of the photo, she looked very much like I did as a little girl with long light brown hair, beautiful eyes and a sweet smile. I guessed her age to be about 3 or 4. This photographic image in my dream was so amazingly vivid and seemed to just sit there while I studied it in awe.

When I awoke the next morning, I was overcome with a sense of peace. I sat upright in bed pondering over the details of it and working out what I believed to be their ages in the picture and the things she said to me about the children. It seemed that each of my three children would have about six years between them all, and the order of course was a girl first, boy next and then another little girl. When the news was broken to my parents that I was expecting, the shock later turned to waves of support with the excitement and acceptance of a new family member that was so overwhelming. I recall my Mother telling me that I was going to have a boy, as she had always wanted a son herself and hoped that her first grandchild would give her that opportunity to enjoy a little boy around. Due to her persistence I remember being at my ultrasound appointment and her joking with the sonographer that she felt she was having a grandson. I looked up at the woman and quite plainly said to her Could you please tell my Mother that it’s a girl, because she keeps insisting it’s not and I already know it is. I was right of course. My eldest was the first born daughter to the men in her Father’s family in what I believe is about five or six generations. She is a very special girl indeed. For the years that followed I was always open to others about the sex of each child that was to come, the years that would be between them and the faith that somehow they would all find their way to me when the time was right.

This dream turned out to be a valuable clue to a major life decision that I made years later, which is another story for another time. I have gone on to have each of the children that was shown to me in this dream. My son came into my life six years after his sister and he does indeed resemble his Father perfectly. Six years after him, a little girl arrived who looks almost identical to me as a child and oddly enough both of those children have come through Romany Gypsy bloodlines just as my Guide had said all those years ago. Yet, these were the children destined to me, but there was one more that I choose to bring into this life. A child not destined from the beginning, but one I also met before he was even conceived. His story I feel should be told all on its own, not because he is any more special or unique to the others, but because his story has taught me some very powerful lessons.

Of all my guides in life, these souls are the ones I have been the most grateful for. To have been given the deep insight into their lives ahead of time was a gift I shall always feel thankful to have received. I can see now that the journey ahead was filled with so many twists and turns that perhaps without the knowledge of those few key things about them, things may have not shaped where I am in life and how I’d get to these points. From the moment I had that dream, I held onto that photographic image as though it already existed and the wondrous way in which they all came to bring me here still makes me take a step backwards in sheer amazement. Yet it also helped me to form some of my deeper ideals about this journey of the soul and my belief that perhaps we do indeed make soul pacts amongst each other well before we even begin the journey through life itself.

At times I am asked if living a psychic life is any different from the norm, if I somehow am given the steps to my journey ahead of time. Most of the time I smile, and simply say that once I had the greatest pleasure in meeting four powerful teachers and that each one has eventually given me the honour of calling me their Mother.

”What’s this?” She asks ”A gift, just for me?” The little boy smiles nodding and encourages her to open it. As she lifts the lid, she finds nothing inside. Looking up at her smiling boy she waits for enlightenment. ”I put all my love for you in there Mommy” As her heart sinks, she tightly hugs her little man and kisses him on the forehead. She closes her eyes and wipes a tear away.

On his Graduation day his Mother stands beaming beside him. Tearful to see her son on the brink of adulthood, eager to see the man he’ll become. Cameras are flashing in every direction and he looks at his Mother ”Just one of the two of us?” She places her arms around her son and smiles proudly for the picture.

Now a man he stands nervous awaiting his bride. All eyes sit patiently smiling, flowers cover the room and he looks at the front and smiles at his Mother. She sits armed with tissues, watching her little boy become a married man. Her heart leaps right out of her chest when he kisses his bride, never more proud she cries knowing he’ll become a loving husband.

The phone rings, at the news she catches her breath and says nervously ”I’m on my way”. When she arrives at the hospital she sees her son standing with a wide smile. ‘‘Its a boy!” She screams with excitement and he takes her to the room where Mother and child sit exhausted. His wife smiles and hands her the baby. ”He looks just like you did” She says to her son. ”Poor kid” He says jokingly and she flashes a grin. Her son, now a Father, no more proud could she be.

As the years pass by, two more grandchildren arrive. Her home filled with pictures and memories of her family. Her body grows slow, her mind ever sharp and she sits thankful for each blessing she’s had in her life. Heartbroken, her little boy sits by her bedside. She gazes up at him and smiles ”I want you to have something” and she points to the shelf of her bedside table. Her son pulls out an old shoebox, faded now are the hearts and scribbles, but still he can see. Confused he looks at his Mother and lifts the lid. Inside sits an envelope, with his name lovingly written on the front.

My Dearest Son,

One day I sat in my room alone, worrying. It was two days before your 7th birthday and I had very little money to buy you a present. You came into the room holding this box, I’ll never forget how proud you looked to give it to me. When I opened it, there was nothing inside, you looked at me and quite simply said it had all your love for me in it. It was the best gift anyone had ever given me.

This box has seen me through all the hardships in my life and gave me strength anytime I needed it. Whenever I would sit in my room worrying, I sat holding this box remembering your little face. I’ve watched you become a man, a Husband, a Father but always, always you were my little boy.

That day you filled this box with every bit of love for me, so I’ve spent the years filling it with all my pride for you. Your love saw me through the darkest days. There isn’t a thank you worthy enough for this gift, so I will simply say

I love you with all my heart.

Mom

The tarot has been a very integral part of my path to this point, as it was the tool that helped me begin reaching out to others and start reading for them. I have one person for this introduction to thank and if I had one wish in my life it is to truly let her know that a thank you does no justice to the feelings of gratitude that I hold for the gift that she bestowed onto me back then. For what she gave me turned out to be a key to the life I am now living. I wish in a way I could show her and help her understand the magnitude of that, because since that time I have literally been invited into thousands of lives over the past 18 years.

Her name is Denise and I met her back when we were in middle school. We danced around one another’s lives for those precious years of growth, at times being very close friends and other times our lives were lived parallel to one another experiencing different things. I knew even then she was a special soul, she was someone that often radiated a positive vibration even if she felt that life was a struggle as we all did. When we were both 16, I recall her discovering her interest in reading the tarot through a friend of hers and I remember her asking me if I wanted a reading. Naturally I did, I was curious and had never before seen anyone truly use the cards and I sat there with an open mind to see what she had to say. To be perfectly honest, I cannot remember what came out of that reading and all the little details, I just remember her looking in her book and her asking me to forgive her because she was still learning all the meanings to the cards. She had the Hanson-Roberts tarot deck and a lovely little blue book that she was flicking through reading all the meanings for me and putting her new skills to good use giving me a reading. From the moment she laid out the cards, I had this overwhelming connection to them and I just remember thinking to myself I have to do this, I have to buy a deck. When our reading was over I expressed these feelings, I told her that I was eager to learn and buy a deck for myself. She smiled and said I should, but she told me that traditionally someone was to gift the first deck to me that I wasn’t supposed to buy them. I must have had a look of disappointment on my face, because she looked at me and said it should be perfectly fine, that I should just get a deck anyway and see what happened. She told me all the things I must do to keep them, buy a cloth to read upon, get a little box to put them in and sleep with them under my pillow for 7 nights to establish a good connection.

That day I went straight to my then boyfriend and told him that I wanted to run out and get a deck of tarot cards, thankfully he was very supportive. Within a few days I remember us both being out looking in the little shops of our town in the places we thought we might purchase a deck and finally came upon one that sold everything that I needed. I picked up the same deck as Denise had, the Hanson-Roberts tarot deck, a little piece of dusky pink silk cloth to keep them in and a hand carved box just the right size for the deck to be stored in. When we got to the till my boyfriend smiled at me and very unexpectedly said Let me buy them for you, as a gift. There it was, tradition kept to and my first deck given to me by someone very special at that point in my life. I did everything she had told me to do, I slept with my new deck under my pillow for 7 nights and got them out each day to start teaching myself the meanings of each card, using only the tiny little booklet that came inside the box with the cards.

Not long after I got my new deck, I was at a school lesson with Denise and I brought the deck to show her everything that I had gotten. Having some free time on our hands she looked at me and asked me to do her a reading, see how I was getting on with my new cards. I was nervous, I told her that I wasn’t all that clued up on each of the cards just yet and that it would probably be a very off base reading. She just laughed and said we all start somewhere, bless her. I laid everything out, I shuffled and did a celtic cross spread for her and worked through the reading. I remember her just sitting there and what she did after is forever etched in my memory, because it has been another truly defining moment in my life from that day. She looked up at me, her face looked probably the most serious and sombre that I had ever seen it to that day and she simply said You are so good at this, I’m never reading my cards again. I just laughed her off and told her not to be so silly. She reached into her bag on the table and pulled out the blue book she had been using and handed it to me Here, take this I want you to have it. You are supposed to do this Mesina. I couldn’t accept it, I told her I’d buy the book myself and it wasn’t necessary that she’d need it. She insisted and I reluctantly took the book a little stunned, I didn’t quite know what I had said that made her believe I was any better than she was. I looked down at the book now in my hands and read the title, Tarot Unveiled: The Method to its Magic. The picture on the cover was of a card I’d seen in my Hanson-Roberts deck, a gypsy woman holding back a green curtain revealing a darkness behind it. You see, one year before that I had a dream with a Spirit Guide of mine that has come to me over the years since, a Gypsy woman that these memoirs will in time share with you. So to see this image at that moment was hugely significant to me.

I still have this very book in my possession; it is now tattered and worn with the front cover having come away a few years ago from being opened so many times. It is and always will be a treasured item in my life, a memento of a special moment I shared with a very dear friend. I haven’t used the book in many years now, but it was my teacher, my silent mentor in the new world of Tarot that I was discovering. From this book I taught myself to read, I began to understand the meanings of each card, exploring and developing until finally I managed to put the book away and let it rest. While my original deck has retired, I still keep it in the box that I bought for it, the dusky pink scarf wrapped around holding it like a little secret. All the pieces are tired, the cards showing lines of the many shuffles they did for me, each one a little memory of the learning process I went through. I think of all the people those cards spoke about, of all the stories they’ve told me.

I still use the Hanson-Roberts deck even today, though I tried a few other decks along the way it never felt right. For me, using the same style deck is my way of honouring someone very dear to my heart, like an eternal thank you. If there is anything I have learned in my life so far, it is that gratitude is the biggest key to the journey of developing. When you really absorb the moments of thanks in your life, you never miss a single blessing that comes your way.

For everything in my life, I am forever grateful that I didn’t miss hers.

Somewhere today a Mother is laying her eyes for the first time upon her newborn baby. After many months she is finally able to see the shining face she’s longed for. Nothing exists in that room except that child and she cries. That is the beauty of honesty.

Sometimes honesty comes wrapped in a tiny package, presented by a grown man who gets down on one knee, exposing himself vulnerable to the woman he loves. Inside a little diamond is beckoning her to marry him. That is the love of honesty.

Honesty takes the voice of a little girl, who clearly and confidently announces that she hates little Billy down the road, because he’s full of cooties. That is the innocence of honesty.

Inside every airport in the world, honesty is present in thousands of faces there every day. Faces of friends, families and lovers saying hello after long periods apart, greeting one another with such force they cannot even speak. Saying goodbye with long embraces, tears and sadness and promises of return one day. In every face there is honesty’s devotion.

A man sits down after a long hard day, he gazes out the window in contemplation, with so much on his mind he struggles to relax. As he looks down, his dog’s head rests concerned on his lap and he smiles. Right there, is the loyalty of honesty.

In a dark room a woman sits alone staring at her wedding photo. She hears the sound of her husband’s footsteps as he walks out the front door. As the door slams shut, she’s forced to go on in her life without him. That is the pain of honesty.

A young man stands at the doorway of his parent’s home, taking a deep breath before the door opens. He comes to bear his soul about all that he truly is and to say that there could never be the perfect woman for him. His heart belongs to another man. That is the truth of honesty.

A chopper sounds loudly in the sky, on the ground many troops are moving swiftly to safety. Gunshots are heard in every direction, as the men look up they see an explosion not too far away. Every Officer takes stock of who’s still with them, seeing only the memories of those who no longer are. That is the price of honesty’s freedom.

Eating away at a woman’s heart is a secret she keeps in silence. To unleash it would change the life she knows. She tries hard to confront the door she keeps tightly closed, she opens her mouth so many times to give it away but only silence ensues. That is the fear of honesty.

An old couple lies in bed each night, instead of chatting endlessly about nothing at all, they smile lovingly at one another. Pictures of their children and grandchildren scatter the house, a life long together, they’ve seen so much holding hands. That’s not just love and devotion you’re seeing, it’s honesty’s trust.

The best kind of honesty is one sliced up and shared among friends, where even at age 42 you admit that you’re still singing into a hairbrush to your favorite song at home alone. Where women can laugh about even the most embarrassing situations, swap stories and give advice to one another. That’s honesty’s comfort.

On the train a woman sits alone quietly crying. The man sitting opposite her reaches in his pocket and hands her a tissue asking if she is ok. She smiles and nods thanking him for his concern. They talk and laugh the rest of the journey until she reaches her stop. He could have ignored her, but he choose not to. That is the compassion of honesty.

Honesty will enter your life, sometimes through an act of kindness, sometimes through the face of someone you love. It comes from the ones we are closest to, from strangers we will never meet again and at times you will give honesty to others. It doesn’t always feel good and sometimes we sacrafice so much in order to live our lives honestly. But compare that to a life lived dishonestly and I assure you it is better to face the pain than live a life of lies.

Many times I sit with people who are desperate to find honesty in their lives. They hold within them a deep belief that it simply does not exist, they have lost faith in others, been hurt, seen honesty’s pain and suffering. We focus so much on the negative, if we just opened our eyes for one moment to see how honesty truly touches our lives every day, we’d find it in the most obscure places.

A world without honesty, simply does not exist.

I remember my moment, at least I recall it being a defining moment for me that I was touching on a subject I thought was very ordinary and the realisation came then that it wasn’t. I was seven years old and I had just met a woman only a few short weeks before who was to become my future Step-Mom. I cannot tell you what possessed me to ask this question, but it seemed I had things swirling in my young mind that needed answers. She looked just like the sort of woman who might have them to give me. She was folding laundry at the kitchen table and I was standing near the sofa just deep in my thoughts and I very casually asked “Do you believe in Spirits?” Just as soon as I asked and I am not exaggerating a single word of this memory – a musical carousel ornament that was sitting on a shelf near the sofa began to play on its own and did a complete circle round.

I remember looking up at her, thinking that was strange but eager to hear her answer to my question and her face was frozen just staring at the carousel then back at me again. She responded with a yes, she did in fact believe in Spirits. It was after she finished folding the laundry and went over to the musical carousel to inspect it that I realised I had just had an amazing moment in my life. When I asked why she was inspecting the carousel, I remember her looking at me and she simply said “That carousel has been broken for many years, its not played in a very long time.” She was right, she showed me and tried to get it to play and it just couldn’t. It was then I knew, I knew in that brief moment in my life that I was going to get closer to my answers that had been burning deep inside me. I don’t know how long those questions were there if I am honest, I really couldn’t say.

My poor Step-Mom was to become my Spiritual Guru over the years, the starting place for me to explore all of my obsession with Ghosts and Spirits alike – I cannot tell you the amount of sleep that lovely woman missed out on because I would keep her up all night asking questions and wanting to hear stories of the Otherside. She was so patient and I couldn’t get enough. We talked for many nights over the summers, often until the sun came up and I recall at times her face would seem baffled at the amount of questions I had. Years later I would learn that it was also the sort of questions, she said she had never seen a child so young asking about things she considered quite deep. It must have been difficult for her, me not being her own child and yet she always said her personal beliefs were that if a child was asking they deserved to know. Begin with the basic answer and when that is not enough you move on with something more complex. This was her approach to my questions and I have often been puzzled myself over the years as to where they all stemmed from. I did not grow up in a home that was focused on such things, yet there I was delving into the deep with no end in sight. I believed in my own mind that everyone had these sorts of questions, to me it was perfectly normal.

I had no idea back then where this journey would take me, I was just embarking on the first steps. Yet asking her that fateful day if she believed in spirits is a moment I will never forget, forever etched in my mind. Had she answered no would the path have changed? Would I be here now writing this to you and having come this far? Perhaps, then again perhaps not. All I know is that I am forever grateful for that day, to have had the guidance to the person I truly needed the most for this to develop. I have always said to people when they ask me if I feel I was “chosen” or “special” – my answer is no, I am not. I was simply lucky to have had someone who was willing to sit down and devote so much time to my natural interest, to help me evolve.

Lucky, not special.

Now lucky to have been privileged to encounter so many amazing people along the way because of that moment.

From the beginning, right through to the end.