plethoric pundigrions

Conversations With Greatness CCXL

2009-07-17T09:03:00.001-04:00

What Did The Jewish Cannibal's Family Say About Him Once They Were Dead?

2009-07-11T17:10:00.001-04:00

Hy ate us!

I will be away from the internet for the next week, and will answer your queries upon my return.

In an emergency, please contact the real world.

Conversations With Greatness CCXXXIX

2009-07-10T14:49:00.000-04:00

Eureka!

2009-07-07T17:00:00.001-04:00

From weather.com: Myths About Lightning

True Or False?

• A car's rubber tires give protection from lightning.

False! Actually, the car itself is very well insulated and offers more protection than being outside in the storm. Of course, the exception to this is the convertible.

Thanks for clearing that up.

The Hearts of the Matter

2009-07-06T14:18:00.000-04:00

From The Scottish Daily Record: Edinburgh Airport evacuated and flights delayed in security alert

Edinburgh Airport was hit by a security alert today, with flights delayed and hundreds of passengers evacuated after a suspicious package was found. . . .

Travellers were ordered to leave the main terminal and food court area. . . .

Among those affected were the Hearts football team, who were due to fly to Germany for pre-season training. The players were in the departure lounge waiting for their flight and a report on the club's website said they were allowed to stay there during the scare.

The club's management reasoned that if the entire squad were killed in an explosion, it might improve their chances of winning the cup this year, HEY-OH!

Nein!

2009-07-05T18:03:00.001-04:00

From Newsvine: Germans win men's beach volleyball worlds

This will probably sound kind of sexist, but I'm just going to come right out and say it anyway:

German men have no business playing beach volleyball.

That is all.

It's Almost Too Easy

2009-07-04T13:05:00.002-04:00

From NJ.com: Black bear knocks down Vernon man, steals sandwich

VERNON — Police are searching for a bear that attacked a man outside his house and made off with a hoagie-style sandwich.

"We're devoting a good deal of manpower to finding the culprit," said Lt. Jack Halfablap of the Vernon Police, "but we're not very optimistic. It's clear we're dealing with something smarter than the average bear, here."

The bear opened the hoagie, removed the lettuce, onion and tomato, and then made off with the rest of the sandwich before victim Henry Rouwendal could even get himself off the ground. The attack happened so quickly Rouwendal bearly even caught a glimpse of his assailant, though he was able to offer a few clues to the authorities.

"The suspect is probably between 300 and 400 pounds, with brown fur, a light snout, a matching green hat and tie, and no pants," said Halfablap, who added that the bear is also wanted on one count of indecent exposure.

Vernon police are also consulting with Park Ranger John Francis Smith, an expert on such attacks. "I'm extremely concerned by this incident," explained Smith, who thinks a second bear may still be at large. "It's very rare for bears to operate without an accomplice in cases like this one. Searching for only one bear would be a real boo-boo."

Officials at nearby state parks are on high alert. "Bears may sleep 'til noon," said a spokesperson, "but before it's dark, they might have every hoagie sandwich that's in Ringwood State Park."

The investigation continues.

Real story is slightly less hilarious, alas.

Conversations With Greatness CCXXXVIII

2009-07-03T09:00:00.001-04:00

Choose Your Own Punchline

2009-07-02T15:53:00.001-04:00

From Newsvine: Andy vs. Andy: Roddick faces Murray at Wimbledon

Setup:

The current edition of Wimbledon is the 23rd Grand Slam tournament since Andy Roddick won his lone major championship at the 2003 U.S. Open.

He badly wants to win a second. . . .

"[T]he whole gig when he hired me is we've got to win a Slam," Roddick's coach, Larry Stefanki, said. . . . "Winning a Slam is what it's all about. Coming in second is like kissing your sister"

Punchline (a): He gets to go on Maury Povich afterwards?

Punchline (b): Yeah, except I'm pretty sure you don't get half a million pounds for kissing your sister.

Punchline (c): The sentiment was echoed by a spokesperson for the Society of Incest Survivors (SIS), who said in a prepared statement that "kissing your sister is like losing in the final at Wimbledon".

Punchline (d): Stefanki then winked and added, "unless your sister is really hot, in which case fuck tennis."

Abbreviation Fail

2009-07-01T15:35:00.001-04:00

Funny, I didn't realise Circuit City owned Don Cherry in the first place. ZING!

Planning Fail

2009-06-30T16:11:00.001-04:00

Conversations With Greatness CCXXXVII

2009-06-26T09:00:00.001-04:00

HALLOL

2009-06-25T09:06:00.003-04:00

From The New York Times: Come Celebrate! No, Maybe Not

WASHINGTON — It was an attempt by President Obama to reach out to Iran with a classically American invitation: celebrate the Fourth of July with hot dogs and hearty fellowship at United States Embassies worldwide.

I'm sorry, it now qualifies as diplomacy to invite Iran to eat hot dogs? What brand were they planning to serve, Hebrew National? Oy.

On Wednesday, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, who had authorized diplomatic posts this month to invite Iranians to their Independence Day parties, sent out a cable rescinding the invitations.

She then leant back in her chair, put her feet up on the desk, and waited for the violence in Tehran to stop.

In other news, the New York Times offered me a special "university faculty" rate for a subscription the other day, so starting September I'll be that much more of an insufferable intellectual. Finally, correcting all those student papers is paying off! When do the rest of my perks start arriving?

Tennis Fans, Thy Name Is Fickle

2009-06-23T14:07:00.002-04:00

From The Daily Mail: Dozens of Murray fans treated for exhaustion as Wimbledon bakes in 100F heat

I've complained in the past about the British obsession with Tim Henman, particularly vis-a-vis their repeated claims that every year was "his year" at Wimbledon despite a severe lack of evidence that he had anything like what was necessary to advance past a drawn-out, miserable semi-final.

They really did used to go completely insane around Wimbledon time (and indeed at any other point in the year when they happened to think of him), doing things like skipping work to join in with the rapturous squeals of "Henmania" at "Henman Hill", or devising a points systems "proving" that Henman was actually the second-best man ever to play at Wimbledon (he beat out Agassi by a long shot, even though Andre actually won Wimbledon, occasionally). I even knew a girl in high school who would pretend to be Tim Henman's sister whenever she heard people badmouthing him in public, so that she could more authoritatively reprimand them for doing so. (N.B. Tim Henman does not, in fact, have a sister.)

But to look at the tennis-loving British public now, you'd barely know it, so hegemonic is their sudden adulation for Henman's replacement, Andy Murray: "Henmania" has been swiftly pushed aside by "Andy's Army"; "Henman Hill", where so many thousands of fans once gathered to watch him play, has been rechristened "Murray Mound"; even Henman's official website at timhenman.org has mysteriously disappeared. It's as if the poor chap never even existed:

James Pollard, 32, from Harefield, north west London, said [of Murray]: "This is the first Brit with a chance in more than 70 years."

Now, it would, of course, be churlish to point out that, although Andy Murray is without a doubt a very fine British tennis player, at this point he's not in much better shape than Tim Henman was at the peak of his career, and so it doesn't seem all that likely that he'll do much better than Tim ever did in his numerous Wimbledon disappointments. But at least Murray has yet to establish a solid track record of dashing the British public's dreams, so I think I'll let it go, for now.

HOWEVER, I would like to complain briefly about how shocking American tennis commentators are. I was watching Murray's opening match earlier, and rather than discussing, I don't know, THE TENNIS MATCH GOING ON IN FRONT OF THEM, the two dipshits were blathering on about all the men to have scaled Everest and the relative merits of various British tabloids, and THEN cut to an audio feed of an interview with Andy Roddick, wherein he answered such weighty questions as: "What's it like being at Wimbledon as a married man instead of a single one?", or even (&*!#&*@^!!!!!!) "How do you like using Twitter?" They then began to read him individual entries from his Twitter page and asked him to elaborate on them. I mean, for God's sake, if I wanted to follow Andy Roddick on Twitter, I would JOIN TWITTER — at least that way I wouldn't have to listen to him EXPLAINING his deep, 140-character thoughts that, let's face it, don't require any fucking explanation in the first place. ("My wife has the worst taste in music!" OMG!)

Honestly.

Actual Recycling Jokes

2009-06-21T11:34:00.004-04:00

Ever since I wrote this post about SNL recycling its jokes last month, I've started getting a pretty hefty number of Google hits from people actually looking for recycling jokes (jokes about recycling, yes?). Indeed, people looking for such jokes now make up about 9% of all my search traffic and 2% of my total site traffic, which is kind of a lot considering I don't think I've ever actually made a joke about recycling — unless you count this stupendous Al Gore zing from two years ago (and even then I don't make the most obvious recycling joke: "Man, Al Gore loves the planet so much he even recycles his name!").

Anyway, all that is about to change. For the edification of my anonymous, accidental readers, I now present: RECYCLING JOKES

Q. Why did the chicken carrying several bags full of separated paper, plastic, glass, and metal cross the road?
A. To get to a Halloween party dressed as a recycler. Then the landfill.

Q. How many environmentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two: one to change the light bulb, the other to lecture you about why you should have bought one of those stupid twisty fluorescent ones and reduced our dependency on raw materials over time!

Q. Did you hear the one about the aluminium recycling plant?
A. It smelt!

Q. What did the blonde take to the recycling centre?
A. A big bag of used condoms, because blondes are so stupid and promiscuous!

Q. What was the Japanese Tom Jones impersonator's most recycling-friendly song?
A. "The Green Green Glass of Home"

Q. Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets?
A. Polly, Ethel and Ian! (You could only take them out on certain days of the week.)

Etc.

A Nasty Spell

2009-06-20T18:34:00.001-04:00

From BBC NEWS | UK | Education: Schools to rethink 'i before e'

The spelling mantra "i before e except after c" is no longer worth teaching, according to the government, [which] recommends using more modern methods to teach spelling to schoolchildren.

More modern methods, like...?

Like studying television listings for compound words.

Ah, yes, television listings — the best way to get children to focus on their spelling lessons.

Elsewhere, this headline is probably the only instance where the words "surprise", "prostate", and "probe" have ever combined to make good news.

Conversations With Greatness CCXXXVI

2009-06-19T13:02:00.001-04:00

Em...

2009-06-18T08:19:00.002-04:00

From Newsvine: Analysis: Ensign affair one more woe for GOP

WASHINGTON — It's just about the last thing the beleaguered Republican Party needed: a Christian conservative with national aspirations admitting to an extramarital affair with an ex-staffer.

I'm pretty sure his wife could have done without it too.

Incidentally, gross and unnecessary figure of speech:

There also was a report of a previous affair, in 2002, an indication that the drip, drip of dalliance details may only just be beginning.

Tell me you can hear the words "drip, drip", "dalliance", and "politician" and not think of Monica Lewinsky's blue dress.

Also, speaking of news reports that are hilariously devoid of empathy, how about this BBC article about North Korea qualifying for the World Cup next year:

Iran's failure to defeat South Korea in Seoul earlier meant that North Korea only needed a draw in Riyadh.

Really? You're going to blame this one on Iran? Because I think they have a few things besides the World Cup on their mind right now...

So is this why everyone is so afraid of North Korea these days?

Timeless Question Finally Answered

2009-06-17T10:46:00.003-04:00

In the class I taught last semester, my (largely) freshman students were pretty critical of Twitter (twitical?), calling it stupid and pointless and self-indulgent. My reaction at the time was: welll, if eighteen-year-olds aren't using Twitter, who the hell is? (Which was, in itself, a reformulation of a question I'd already been asking about Twitter for quite some time.)

Anyway, apparently the answer is IRAN, or protesters, or democracy, or something like that — so much so that, as I'm sure most of you have already heard, the U.S. State Department gently suggested yesterday that Twitter reschedule a planned outage to minimise disruption to the flow of information in Iran.

Although the White House has denied it is trying to meddle in Iranian politics, and Twitter claims they made the decision to delay maintenance completely independent of the government, this exclusive transcript uncovered by plethoric pundigrions suggests otherwise.

capitolhillary @twitter you guys been watchin the news?
twitter @capitolhillary um, yeah why
twitter @thirdparty holy shit dude hillary clinton is totally talkin to me!!!!
capitolhillary @twitter well maybe you should, you know... #iranelections #twitteroutage
twitter *independent thought* /lies/
thirdparty @twitter sweet dude tell her I totally voted for her
thirdparty ...after edwards was out ZING! #hillarypwned
twitter @capitolhillary okay okay. anything else benevolent overlord?
capitolhillary @twitter WHO IS THIRDPARTY I WILL DESTROY THEM WITH DIPLOMACY
thirdparty thirdparty ftw!
iheartgreysuits @capitolhillary @twitter BACK OFF #iranelections
twitter fml
iran moussavi ftw! #iranelections
democracy victory?

I don't really have any idea what I just wrote, or even if it approximates with any accuracy what a Twitter transcript should look like.

pundigrions out of touch #meta

Conversations With Greatness CCXXXV

2009-06-12T09:00:00.001-04:00

You Wish You Could Forget About Dre

2009-06-09T16:06:00.002-04:00

Dr Dre has recently been appointed the new public face of Dr Pepper, in an ad spot that puns horrifically (and I say this, you well know, as an inveterate pun lover) on the fact that both things start with Dr. "Trust me," Dre assures us, "I'm a doctor" — after which we're advised by some lettering made up of CGI carbonation to "Drink It Slow" ("Dr's Orders"), a reference to Dre's assertion that his slow tracks are always hits (alas!, I haven't listened to enough of the Dre oeuvre to be able to assess that claim with any authority).

This will be the first in a long line of endorsements by famous Drs, among which I can exclusively reveal the following:

Dr Phil: "Drink it asininely"

Dr Spock: "Drink it affectionately."

Dr Ruth: "Drink some!"

Dr Seuss: "Drink it, plink it, blim-blam-blink it!"

Dr Strangelove: "Drink it atomically."

Dr Mario: "It'sa me, Mario!"

Dr Marten: "Drink it punkily."

Dr Watson: "But how does one drink it, Holmes?"

Dr Scholl: "Drink it odourlessly!"

And, of course:

Dr Kevorkian: "Drink it."

I think I've covered all my bases.

Let's Get Biblical

2009-06-08T11:48:00.000-04:00

From Newsvine: Court won't stop case of man with porn on computer

WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court won't stop Pennsylvania officials from prosecuting a man whose computer was found to contain child pornography while it was at Circuit City being upgraded.

Now folks, child pornography is awful, and certainly no laughing matter — you'll get no argument from me there.

But can we take a moment to appreciate the surname of this particular child pornographer?

Kenneth Sodomsky wants the high court to suppress the videos found on his computer.

Sodomsky's attonery, Gomorrah Jones, declined requests to be interviewed for this story.

End Of World, You May Now Commence

2009-06-07T22:42:00.003-04:00

From BBC News | Politics: BNP secures two European seats

The British Nationalist Party (not to be confused with the Monster Raving Loony Party) won two seats in the U.K. elections for the European parliament today.

Jesus.

For my non-British readers who don't stay as informed as they could about the batshit insane fringe of British politics, let me give you a brief taster of some of the BNP's campaign literature:

We support the re-introduction of corporal punishment for petty criminals and vandals, and the restoration of capital punishment for paedophiles, terrorists and murderers.

Globalisation, with its export of jobs to the Third World, is bringing ruin and unemployment to British industries and the communities that depend on them. . . . Accordingly, the BNP calls for the selective exclusion of foreign-made goods from British markets and the reduction of foreign imports. We will ensure that our manufactured goods are, wherever possible, produced in British factories, employing British workers. . . . When this is done, unemployment in this country will be brought to an end, and secure, well-paid employment will flourish.

Motorists must not be made the scapegoats for government failure. Fuel tax should be cut, motorway speed limits raised, and hidden speed cameras should be banned.

We reject the idea that Britain must forever be obliged to subsidise the incompetence and corruption of Third World states by supplying them with financial aid.

We will bring our troops back from Germany and withdraw from NATO, since recent political developments make both commitments obsolete.

The views of the majority of British people have been ignored and overridden by a Politically Correct ‘elite’ which thinks it knows best. . . . On immigration, on Capital Punishment, on the surrender of British sovereignty to the EU and in numerous other areas, democracy has been absent as Labour, Tories and Lib-Dems conspire in election after election to offer the British people no real choice on such vital issues.

So, to summarise: kill all the paedos, withdraw entirely from the global economy, make motorways a free-for-all, fuck the developing world, leave "obsolete" NATO, and try to break free from the sinister kabal of representational democracy that has for years shackled the British public with unreasonable and untenable policies such as "no capital punishment" and "immigration is normal".

Oh, and then there's the doozie that they're best known for:

On current demographic trends, we, the native British people, will be an ethnic minority in our own country within sixty years.

To ensure that this does not happen, and that the British people retain their homeland and identity, we call for an immediate halt to all further immigration, the immediate deportation of criminal and illegal immigrants, and the introduction of a system of voluntary resettlement whereby those immigrants who are legally here will be afforded the opportunity to return to their lands of ethnic origin assisted by a generous financial incentives both for individuals and for the countries in question.

Yes, that's right. Anyone who cannot prove that they descended from the handful of white people who inhabited Britain 7,000 years ago (they do actually use that number) will be paid to leave the country. And with a reception like that, why wouldn't they?

To put this in some kind of perspective, the BNP winning seats in the European parliament is a bit like the Nazi Party winning a Grammy; nobody quite knows how it happened, no reasonable person thinks it's warranted, and everybody is filled with a sort of horrified curiosity to see what they're going to do with it. And for that reason I would like to join in with the chorus of public figures who have called the BNP victory a "sad moment" in British politics.

(I'd say it was "a black day" in British politics, but it's the BNP — so it's the exact opposite.)

What A Gas

2009-06-06T11:05:00.000-04:00

Here's, perhaps, an explanation for why Ford is the only U.S. automaker not in bankruptcy:

Remember how I raved the other day about how my rented Ford Focus got me all the way to Montreal and back (≈650 miles), including almost three hours sitting in barely moving traffic, on only $48 worth of gas?

Well, while in Florida last week, my rented (Chrysler) Dodge Ram drove about 300 miles, almost all of it on highways and with no traffic, on $28 worth of gas, bought at the same price per gallon. It also handled like an elephant.

In conclusion: good luck, Fiat.

Conversations With Greatness CCXXXIV

2009-06-05T08:35:00.000-04:00