Spareparts makes durable, attractive, well-designed harnesses for all bodies, available in XXS-3X!  The Tomboi offers a comfortable boyshort-style, silky brief with a gender-neutral design.   Since it can easily be worn under clothing, there’s no need to put it on or make any adjustments prior to playing; simply add your favorite dildo and have fun! The O-ring holds various sizes of dildos, although one user reports that dildos that fit more snugly improve performance because they move as one with the harness.   The wide waistband holds the harness securely in place against the abdomen even with more than moderate thrusting.

The Tomboi washes easily by hand or in the washing machine.  For best results, wash in a lingerie bag on cold  and then hang dry to preserve the quality of the elasticity over time.  Purchase alone or in a Partner Pack, paired with a velvety-smooth Wet For Her silicone dildo (different size combinations available).  Customer and Pure Pleasure employee favorite!

NotSoSatisfied Asks:

Ok so I’m very sexually active with myself lately because my current boyfriend and I don’t want to rush into sex and he’s often out of the u.s.(military) so I have to take care of myself more. I have a few different toys, one is a vibrator that is supposed to feel like real skin, one is jelly material and the other is a rabbit vibe that moves on its own when turned on. All of them have been irritating me inside when I use them. Even tried a condom on the jelly one and still feel the irritation. The rabbit one has bumps at the top that rotate while it moves and those irritate me until its fully inserted. I’m not sure if my body is just not getting used to not having the real deal anymore and having to use the alternative or if I have to use a lot more lube or what. I don’t have any type of infection, because I’ve been checked out recently. I was also thinking maybe my body isn’t producing enough of its own lube due to the fact that in my last relationship, I got used to a man stimulating me. What do you think?

Dear NotSoSatisfied:

First, kudos to you for exploring your sexuality solo while getting to know yourself and your boyfriend in this newer relationship! Second, it’s great that you have recently been checked out so you can pretty confidently rule out an infection or medical problem.

Given that you’ve tried all of your toys and they all seem t be irritating, it seems likely that they aren’t the cause of your issue. However, if you’re experiencing irritation not only during your solo play but for awhile after, it is more likely that a material is bugging you. In this case you might try a toy that is 100% silicone.

With that said, it sounds like the irritation is localized around the opening of the vagina (as you mentioned that the rabbit bothers you until it is fully inserted). This further rules out the chance that the toys are the cause. It also sounds like you’re pretty in tune with your body and are noticing that you aren’t producing as much lube as you have in the past. So, some suggestions:

You might try just using your fingers for a while until you get more warmed up. Try relaxing and really taking it slow. Perhaps even insert a finger and draw some of your natural lubrication from deeper inside your vagina out around the opening in order to allow a toy to more easily slip inside.

Also, don’t underestimate the power of fantasy! Our biggest sex organ is our brain. Some women find that if they’re distracted, worried, or not concentrating on something that turns them on that it is harder to become/stay aroused. You might try thinking about all of the sexy scenarios that you’d like to try with your bf once you do start having sex. If you’re putting pressure on yourself to be as wet as you were with a guy, this could be distracting.

As you suggest, adding some store-bought lube is a great idea! Feeling the slipperiness can be very arousing and may even help you produce more lube of your own. Water-based lubes tend to dry out faster than others and sometimes need to be rehydrated with saliva or water. Oil-based lubes, like Yes brand, can be a nice alternative because they stay silky smooth longer and have a bonus moisturizing effect. However, oil-based lubes are not latex-compatible, and may be an issue for you if you are prone to yeast infections.

It is also possible that hormones and aging could be a factor, although this may not be an issue for you (as this didn’t seem to be much of a problem with your last relationship). As women age it can be more difficult for them to produce adequate lubrication on their own. You may be noticing a trend in that direction, in which case, store-bought lubes are the way to go.

Lastly, if the problem persists, I suggest consulting with your doctor.

Hope this helps!

About Rose: Rose has a BA in psychology and women’s studies, and a Master’s in social psychology.  She is working toward a PhD at UC Santa Cruz, focusing on social justice, gender and sexuality, sexual empowerment, and sexual rights as human rights. Rose has been a teaching assistant for sexuality-focused college classes, presented research to academic groups like the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, and worked with non-profit organizations across the country on grant-writing and event planning. Her goal is to use social psychological research and teaching to contribute to community-based organizations’ efforts and policy-level changes that promote sexual well-being.

Worried Hubby Asks:

My wife has never used sex toys to masturbate and has made trying new things a bit hard. Is there something I can do or help her with to begin using toys and actually have an orgasm with them?

Dear Worried Hubby:

Hmm, so your wife has never used toys to masturbate, and this has made things difficult for whom?  Before offering any tips on how to encourage your partner to open up to using toys, we are curious to first understand the following:  Is this an issue from your wife’s perspective?  Is she completely opposed to using sex toys, or just inexperienced? Are you hoping she will use toys on her own, or are you interested in exploring together? Your wife is entitled in deciding what is right for her body, and if this is the issue at hand, communication is really the only thing that will get you anywhere.  If you have not done so already, we’d first encourage a conversation between the two of you in hopes of a mutual understanding of what is happening here.

If you find she open to trying new things, we suggest making a trip as a couple to a female-friendly adult shop such as Pure Pleasure as part of a romantic, fun evening or afternoon together.  You could let her know that you are interested in exploring with toys, and ask her to join you in the selection process.  Once in the store, perhaps you could lead by example and choose something for yourself, and then invite her to check out toys for herself and see how she responds? Leading the horse to water, so to speak? Just keep in mind that if the horse does not wish to drink, perhaps engage the horse in a conversation as to why that is the case, while allowing a safe space for differing interests without judgment or expectations.

Hope this helps!

First Time Toy User Asks:

My friend and I recently started hooking up with other couples and the most recent couple we met up with had toys. That night I experienced the hitachi magic wand and a strap on dildo that was much too big for me, so it only got in a little past the head. Right after the sex I was left feeling very sore down there, and I figured that had to be normal. But now it’s been 2 days and I’m still in some pain. Is this normal?

Dear First Time Toy User:

Ouchies!! That does not sound pleasant.  I hope that things have since improved in your nether regions!  I would say that pain lasting for 2 days is not normal.  Or rather, it is normal for a vagina that has been traumatized by a too-large toy or a baby passing through on its way into the world, but not the kind of normal that one wants to experience on a regular basis.  In the present, if you are still in some pain and have not seen a health care practitioner, I would recommend doing so, just to have your parts examined carefully to be sure that the wounds are not harboring any infection. In the future, remember that stretching the vaginal canal beyond capacity is something that the vagina is designed to do, but it is still traumatic and is generally reserved for events such as giving birth, not playing with toys!    Take it easy next time and use adequate lubrication if wanting to try out a toy that is larger than you are used to.

Finally, I want to confirm that all of this was completely consensual.  If a partner is ever encouraging you to go beyond your limits, please stop them.  Nobody but you knows how your body feels or what it wants.  Some people have skewed notions of what is respectful play with women’s body parts, quite possibly due to scenes that they have witnessed in porn.  If this was at all a factor that night, please remind all parties involved that porn sex and the acts performed in porn are performed by pros, and there is a lot of off-camera prep that makes those scenes possible. Not saying that this was the issue, but it is important to acknowledge that it is a possibility.

Play safe. Have fun.

Gina

About Gina: Gina has been working in reproductive health for nearly 20 years as an educator and researcher.  She approached Pure Pleasure in 2009 about holding a focus group for a research project she was working on and was impressed with Janis and Amy’s welcoming, sex-positive business and their commitment to community involvement and education.   Shortly thereafter, Gina began working with Pure Pleasure part-time as a Pleasure Party Educator and staff member and is currently pursuing a Master’s in Human Sexuality Education.  Also a parent of two boys, she is committed to sex-positive parenting.

GirlGotQuestions Asks:

I’ve been with my partner for two years and I want to make our sex life better. Lately she freezes up in the bedroom and seems only concerned with giving me an orgasm instead of just having fun. How can I shake things up a little to distract her? She is pretty conservative, how do I convince her to take a sex class with me?

Dear GirlGotQuestions:

First of all, kudos to you for being proactive and reaching out for some support with this issue!  From what you have written, I’m hearing that this recent change in your partner’s bedroom behavior is what is challenging for you; that she is ‘freezing up’ and seems goal-oriented.  I also hear that you would like her to relax and enjoy herself more than she does, and I think you are wondering if her conservative nature is keeping her from doing so.

I suppose my first suggestion would be to check in with her about the other aspects of your relationship.  If there is something going on for her that is impacting your sexual relationship and you fail to address and understand this, you won’t get very far in opening her up in more vulnerable and intimate ways. I’d suggest you start by letting her know how important she is to you and that you want your relationship to continue to grow (and of course, first check in wit yourself to make sure this is true). Then perhaps try expressing what you have noticed about your sexual relationship, let her know you want to understand if something has changed for her, if there is another aspect of your relationship she is struggling with, or if there is something separate from the relationship that is challenging for her right now. Then LISTEN.  Really listen.  Your first goal is to understand her, not get her to be the naughty vixen of your fantasies.

Next, pending how that goes, use your “I statements” and let her know specifically how you would like the sexual aspect of your relationship to continue to blossom.  Try to avoid using ‘you never’ or ‘you only’ statements.  See where that leads.  Suggesting attending a class together is a great idea, and I think your odds of her being receptive to that would be increased if you focus on a class that builds intimacy rather than one focused on specific techniques or kink.  If she is conservative, go easy – perhaps hold off on taking her to a class on bondage or anal sex, for instance.

Last, remember that you each have the right at all times to want what you want sexually, but that neither of you can force the other to want the same sexual relationship or to engage in the same behaviors or activities.  If, after trying all of the above, your partner is not showing signs of opening up, you may want to consider your other options, namely, waiting a few months and seeing if things change, or leaving the relationship.  And by this I do not mean to suggest that you give her an ultimatum or threaten her.  I mean, you need to consider for yourself what is important to you, how much you value the relationship, what is non-negotiable, and what compromises you can make.  If you feel that this partner may not be the sexual companion you’d hoped for, you may need to end the sexual part of the relationship.  Showing your love, support and trustworthiness by encouraging her to open up and talk with you, expressing your desires to her, and remaining committed through that process is being a good partner.  However, staying in the relationship and trying to ‘convince’ her to do anything she isn’t comfortable with is not fair to either of you.

Gina

About Gina: Gina has been working in reproductive health for nearly 20 years as an educator and researcher.  She approached Pure Pleasure in 2009 about holding a focus group for a research project she was working on and was impressed with Janis and Amy’s welcoming, sex-positive business and their commitment to community involvement and education.   Shortly thereafter, Gina began working with Pure Pleasure part-time as a Pleasure Party Educator and staff member and is currently pursuing a Master’s in Human Sexuality Education.  Also a parent of two boys, she is committed to sex-positive parenting.

Pure Pleasure friends:

Here’s a word to add to your sex-positive vocabularies: Clit-er-a-cy (noun).

Cliteracy is “the state of being cliterate, especially the ability to navigate the clitoris based on an understanding that it is fundamental to the female orgasm.”  It is also “the applied knowledge that female orgasms are not happenstance, rather they are easily and predictably created with a basic understanding of female sexual anatomy.”

The word Cliteracy was recently coined by artist Sophia Wallace, whose new multi-media art series is dedicated to educating folks about the clitoris. I personally love that she is using activism and art to get people talking and thinking about the clit!

Wallace and I agree in that the clitoris has not received the attention that it deserves in American society, or even around the globe. It is super problematic that ignorance and apathy about this amazing body part abound. One illustration of this neglect comes from a 2005 study of heterosexual college students which revealed that 29% of women and 25% of men weren’t able to locate the clitoris correctly on a diagram of female genitalia (Wade et al., 2005 in Women & Health)! Perhaps that isn’t so surprising, given that female genitals are often shrouded in secrecy and euphemism. Young girls aren’t exactly encouraged to masturbate or explore for themselves with mirrors and hands. Few women I know were ever told about the clitoris by their parents or teachers. Many didn’t discover its capacities until they were well into adulthood. Many men I know still aren’t quite sure how to navigate this powerful and pleasurable organ.

So in an effort to help expand your awareness, here are some Facts for Enhancing Your Cliteracy:

*The clitoris is the only organ with the sole function of providing pleasure
*The clitoris is not just a small button: It is 10 times larger than the average person realizes.This was proven not that long ago in 1998 by Dr. Helen O’Connell
*Only recently in 2009 did French researchers Dr. Odile Buisson and Dr. Pierre Foldès give the medical world it’s first complete 3-D image of the stimulated clitoris. To this day many medical textbooks and anatomical drawings depict the anatomy of clitoris incorrectly
*The clit contains approximately 8,000 sensory nerve fibers; more than anywhere else in the human body, and nearly twice the amount found on the head of a penis!
*The clit becomes larger when a woman is sexually aroused
*The size of a woman’s clitoris does not impact her orgasm
*Many women want and need clitoral stimulation during penile-vaginal intercourse in order to orgasm
*Every woman is different, so always be sure to ask how she likes her clit stimulated. Many women may prefer you wait to touch the tip of her clit until she is already somewhat aroused
*Sometimes the clitoral head may seem to disappear–this is because during arousal an internal ligament is stretched causing the clitoral head to retract

Sophia Wallace highlights many more in her exhibit “The 100 Natural Laws of Cliteracy”

Want more (information)? Check out Pure Pleasure’s wide selection of books! My favorites include The Guide to Getting it On, I <heart> Female Orgasm, and She Come First. Or take a class ONLINE, such as How to Drive a Vulva!

About Rose: Rose has a BA in psychology and women’s studies, and a Master’s in social psychology.  She is working toward a PhD at UC Santa Cruz, focusing on social justice, gender and sexuality, sexual empowerment, and sexual rights as human rights. Rose has been a teaching assistant for sexuality-focused college classes, presented research to academic groups like the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, and worked with non-profit organizations across the country on grant-writing and event planning. Her goal is to use social psychological research and teaching to contribute to community-based organizations’ efforts and policy-level changes that promote sexual well-being.

This recently published (early 2013) text is a treasure replete with useful, practical, non-judgmental information about anal and prostate play specifically, and pleasure in general. Having gained increased attention in recent years, prostate pleasure is a topic many are curious to explore more.  The Ultimate Guide covers the basics such as anatomy, orgasm, penetration, and hygiene, as well as touching on more nuanced subjects such as communication about prostate play, positions, massage, strap-on play, prostate health, and masculinity and anal play.

Glickman and Emirzian offer a number of useful tips and suggestions for the beginner or intermediate adventurer and his partner(s), in writing that reads easily and conveys warmth, humor, and encouragement.  Further, they avoid the preachy absolutes, choosing rather to frame their suggestions and guidance in a sex-positive tone that encourages autonomy and choice, and engages the reader in exploring what works best for him/her/them.  For example, in Chapter 13 (“Real Men Don’t”), they cite some reasons people shy away from anal and prostate play, such as messages received from society about what it means if a man enjoys anal play.  Charlie Glickman then shares some cogent thoughts on masculinity, how it constructed in society, and why these constructions can be damaging to people of all genders.  The chapter closes with a section title “It’s Up To You”, in which the authors note, “Whether or not you would like to explore your prostate is up to you.  Ultimately, we respect each person’s ability to make this choice.  But if you think that being penetrated makes a man less of a man, take some time to explore why you’re letting that get in the way of enjoying yourself.  There are many ways to be a man, and prostate play fits right into that for a lot of men.” In another section, they touch upon a more general topic: expectations in the bedroom, and how they can be damaging. “High expectations are easily disappointed.  If you are very attached to the idea of having [a specific reaction to some new technique] on your first try, there’s a good chance you will be dissatisfied and frustrated if it doesn’t happen.  Being frustrated is not state of mind in which to experience pleasure.” (Chapter 6, “Searching for the ‘Magic Button’”)

Curious to read more?  Want to share this with a friend who has confided in you that they are curious about exploring anal or prostate pleasure? Come in to Pure Pleasure and pick up a copy, and consider attending the authors’ workshop on November 19th, 2013.

By Gina

LocalKrush Asks:

Can you give me your opinion on using cannabis to enhance sexual experiences… Is it good or bad to toke before you poke?

Dear LocalKrush:

Good? Maybe. Depends on the individual/s. Bad? Probably not. Unless you’re talking about the legalities around cannabis use, in which case, I have no comment

I’ve read studies that claim marijuana actually inhibits orgasm in men. And yet I’ve heard numerous folks say quite the opposite. Some men say their sex drive does diminish while they are high (as does the motivation/drive to do plenty of other things that are considered physical/”productive”), but their orgasm and sexual functioning remains unaffected.

Within the Tantra community, many men and women alike claim that cannabis use actually helps people obtain a deeper, more connective sexual experience, often resulting in intense, prolonged, full-bodied orgasms such as multiple and/or energy orgasms. With that said, I know a few women who probably don’t even know what Tantra is, and yet they are firm believers in cannabis as one of the most effective natural aphrodisiacs around. I’m talking about women who do not necessarily resonate with the idea of sex as a vessel for spiritual awakening, but say that their best, most mind-blowing orgasms were while under the influence of cannabis. Pretty convincing stuff.

So moral of the story: To each their own. Different strokes for different folks. Everything in moderation…?

Want more info? If you’re in the Santa Cruz area, we actually have a great class coming up, “Exquisite Bliss: Tantric Sex in Relationships”, taught by Dee Vee Marie, a cannabis advocate for sexual awakening. Word on the street is Annie Sprinkle will also be at Pure Pleasure in late October with a class on energy orgasms (which may or may not be limited to female-identified folks only). So stay tuned…!!!

Juicy Asks:

Blowjobs…….how do I make my husband come from a blow job?

Dear Juicy:

You are not alone in your desire to know the answer to this question.  Unfortunately, there is no magic bullet that works for every guy.   If the three most important factors in real estate are “location, location, location,” then in blow jobs, they are “communication, communication, communication.”  Your partner may be able to direct you with words and body language as long as there is trust and openness in your intimate relationship.  Patience and lack of pressure are also key.  For every ounce of pressure that either you or your partner feel about him climaxing to your oral stimulation, that goal may become ever more elusive.  On the other hand, if the focus for both of you is simply on finding out which strokes, speeds, pressures, positions and techniques feel most pleasurable to him, you will be far more likely to find that magic trick that works much of the time.  To increase the tools in your ‘tool kit’ (pun intended, of course), I would suggest checking out one of our fellatio videos online or join us for one of our future classes (bring him, too). In the meantime, I can offer a few general tips that may help:

1.     The glans, or head, of the penis is typically most sensitive.  For uncircumcised men, pulling back the foreskin during oral will increase the sensations and sensitivity.  For both circumcised and uncircumcised men, the frenulum (the area right above where the glans joins the shaft on the underside of the penis) can be quite sensitive.  Experiment with stimulating these areas and seek his feedback.
2.    If you are using a particular technique, stroke, or pressure and he’s responding positively, don’t stop or change what you are doing unless he requests that you do so.  If you feel him tensing up, he may be getting closer to climax, so continue whatever you are doing, and try just slightly increasing the pressure or speed, paying close attention to his response to that change.  If you are testing out new strokes and techniques, avoid jumping around from one to another in quick succession – this may only leave him feeling frustrated.
3.    Give him something hot to look at while you are blowing him.  Position yourself in a way that allows him a good visual of his favorite body part.  And don’t forget the eyes!  For some men, sultry eye contact that lets him know how much you are enjoying yourself while pleasuring him is all he’ll need to get to the next level.
4.    Since talking with your mouth full at the table is considered impolite, and doing so in the bed can ruin the moment (and make it difficult to be understood clearly), try to talk with your partner about how he likes to be pleased BEFORE you begin devouring him. Let him know you want to give him more pleasure than he can handle and tell him that you can only do that if he’s very clear and precise in his direction. Ask him to play a game where he direct s you very specifically as to what he likes as though it is your first time performing fellatio.  This explicit information may help both you and him tune in better to exactly what it is that gets him to that point of no return.    If he’s more comfortable with non-verbal cues, you can set up a system of non-verbal cues that he can use to let you know if he likes what you are doing, wants you to speed up or slow down, apply more or less pressure.
5.    Last but definitely not least, keep your teeth out of the game!  This tip is quite obvious to many, which is why I list it last, but in case you haven’t paid extra attention to this detail, heed it now!  Your gorgeous smile may be a huge charm for him after he’s shot his load, but while he’s packing his bags, so to speak, use those lips to conceal your pearly whites.

Good luck!

-Gina, Pure Pleasure Educator

Happy Asks:

Wife wants to try pegging. Is this normal?

Dear Happy:

Absolutely! Pegging is the colloquial term for when a female-bodied individual tops a male-bodied individual by using a strap-on dildo. Someone like your wife might want to try pegging for a variety of reasons. Sometimes the motivation is to play with power dynamics such as dominance and submission. Or perhaps she has heard some of the rave reviews from men who enjoy having the many nerve endings in their anus and prostate pleasurably stimulated, and she wants to show you a good time. Only your wife will be able to tell you what’s motivating her, so sit down and ask away, and prepare for an eye-opening and sexy discussion.

If and when you’re both ready to experiment with pegging, be sure to pick out some quality gear. Spareparts makes a variety of great harnesses, including some very cute brief styles that work as “functional lingerie”. Their Joque harness, a customer favorite, is fully adjustable, machine washable, and compatible with double ended dildos (also made in the US + comes with a 1-year warranty!). Choosing the right dildo is another adventure. You have the option to go with something lifelike such as a realistic looking dildo by Tantus, or a less phallic option like one of the appealingly designed toys from WetForHer. The choices are endless!

Once in the bedroom, you’ll want to go slow and spend lots of time warming up before getting to the main event. Using lots (and I mean lots) of lube will help the two of you ease into what might just become your new favorite activity! And don’t forget – as is the case for most types of sex play – communication is key!

For more information, check out “The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex For Men”.

Thanks!

-Ari