Jo Asks:

I’m a Female, Age 54, completed menopause a year ago. Have not been sexually active in 3 years.   Have met a wonderful, caring, patient man…sexual intercourse due to dryness is very difficult…but he doesn’t want me to use a lubricant, he wants the friction. Any ideas?

Dear Jo:

First of all, it’s great to hear that you’ve found a caring partner with whom to enjoy this phase of life!  Due to the physical changes that accompany menopause for some women, this can be a stage of exploration and discovery regarding sensuality and sexuality, especially with an open, patient and supportive partner.  As they say, necessity is the mother of invention, and this is no exception to that rule.  I wish you both the best as you explore together.

In response to your question, it sounds like you two have conflicting but not necessarily incompatible desires and needs here.  First of all, I would encourage you to pay attention to your body’s cues and ask for respect from your partner regarding your vaginal health and safety.  The drying and thinning that can occur after menopause may make vaginal intercourse more challenging, and regardless of anyone’s specific desires for friction versus lubrication, safety should be a primary concern for both partners.  Too much friction during intercourse can cause tears in the vaginal wall that, over time, may cause irritation and inflammation and can make the vagina prone to more infections.  Thus, some lubrication is definitely necessary to protect the tissue lining the canal.  If you wish to accommodate your partner’s desire for increased friction, a compromise, with some lubrication and great attention to communication, may be able to be reached between the two of you, but please, if you feel pain, stop!  There are other solutions…

Remember that vaginal penetration is not your only option for providing your partner with high-friction pleasure.  Have you explored manual or oral stimulation (the former without any lube at all) as an alternate activity?  If so, and that has not given him the sensations he desires, you may want to come into the shop and explore our masturbation sleeves, which can be used with or without lube as well.  If you have yet to try one of these activities, take some time to explore them together; you may come up with a solution that gives him substantial satisfaction, which might trigger your responses to his pleasure and elicit the lubrication you need to move on to other activities…  like vaginal intercourse, which you can reserve for those times when intimacy and connection are more important than a desire for a specific sort of stimulation.

Hope this helps.  I encourage lots of communication, including a follow-up response once you’ve tried some of these suggestions, should you need more!

Best to you both,

Gina
Pure Pleasure employee & sexuality educator

Mark Asks:

I’m a tall, good looking, successful single guy living in the Santa Cruz area.   While I have no problem connecting with women, I have a cuckold fetish that gets in the way of long term relationships.  Specifically, seeing my significant other with Black men really, really turns me on.   Am I wrong  assuming this fetish is enjoyed mostly by white men or are more women becoming more comfortable with this kind of relationship?  

Dear Mark:

Everyone has their own fetishes and turn-ons, so I cannot generalize about one specific fetish when individuality plays such a huge role in each person’s experience. Some men will find your fetish super sexy, while others may not. The same goes for women.

With that said, I like to believe that our culture is growing more open and accepting of the many forms of sexuality, so there’s a good chance you can find a few women who are into your cuckold fetish. Check out Fetlife.com and look in the groups and discussions to find a whole community that has the same fetishes as you.

Have fun!

Best,
Lollie

About Lollie: Lollie is a Pure Pleasure employee and educator,  kink advocate, and a redhead with a personality to match

www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOeLCT1w7eE

New FREE video clips are up from Lollie’s “Foreplay 101″ class on  YouTube and on our website. Check back for new clips every week!

KJ Asks:

When I first started having sex I was able to have vaginal orgasms very easily. As I’ve gotten older, manual clitoral stimulation has become necessary about 99.9% of the time to reach climax. Is this normal and is there anyway to make vaginal orgasm easier again?

Dear KJ:

First of all, let me say that this is totally normal. As we age, our bodies change in many ways and sexual changes are extremely common. You can either fight the change and hope that things go back to the way they were before, or you can accept it and learn new and fun things to try, which it sounds like you’re already doing.

That said, vaginal orgasms and sensitivity can be worked on. You can try using kegel exerciser balls such as the K-Balls, Luna Balls, or Crystal Egg to tighten your PC muscles, which are a key part of vaginal orgasms. Tightening this area can increase sensitivity and pressure on the G-spot. Sometimes, just the clenching and releasing of these muscles can bring a person to orgasm (or at least close), so strengthening them will retrain and prepare your body for a more internal orgasm.

Another option is to use toys and clitoral stimulation BEFORE you have vaginal play. Get yourself close to orgasm without spilling over, then continue with vaginal stimulation. This can increase vaginal sensitivity as well, making it more likely that you will cum. Using your hand, a partner, or a vibrator will draw blood to the whole area, raising arousal and lowering the orgasmic threshold.

I hope this helps! Good luck with your vaginal pursuits!

Best,
Lollie

About Lollie: Lollie is a Pure Pleasure employee and educator,  kink advocate, and a redhead with a personality to match

Sploosh Asks:

Soooo I am one of those girls that squirts…a lot. People tell me its sexy, but I am worried because it can be smelly. Sometimes it smells like urine, so I started making sure to always pee before having sex. Its totally not sexy “Ooh baby you’re making me so hot. Just hold on while I take a piss.” Sometimes that works, but sometimes I don’t think it does. And the worst part is that we have to sleep in it. We have super hot sex, get the bed all wet, and then it’s just all smelly. It gives me a headache and makes me embarrassed. Is it urine mixing with my juice? Am I just peeing the bed? Or is it like boy jizz and what you eat changes the taste/smell, like coffee and beer?

Dear Sploosh:

Is there urine in your FeJac? Maybe. After all, we are talking about a fluid that is coming out of the urethra. And if you’re squirting, or as is more commonly the case, gushing via pressure on the g-spot, this pressure may carry over to the bladder as well (think of the bladder and the g-spot as neighbors in a duplex sharing a wall).

With that said, FeJac does happen for many women without any traces of urine. So what is it exactly? FeJac is a fluid that comes from a gland similar to that of the male prostate, and contains enzymes that are similar to prostatic fluid. Because FeJac contains low urea, it usually smells less than urine, and it also stains less. And as is the case for most of our body fluids, the taste and smell can change depending on what you eat.

Want to be make your flowing feminine fountain experience as pleasurable and stress-free as possible? Here are a few quick tips:

1. Eat healthy. Don’t smoke cigarettes. Avoid consuming anything that would make your urine smell before playtime (asparagus, coffee, etc)

2. Empty your bladder before playtime

3. Lay down a nice waterproof blanket, such as the Fascinator Throe. These sexy blankets have a protective water-proof layer in between soft fur/microfiber and cooling satin. You can pour an entire glass of water on these puppies and it won’t leak through. And the best thing is you can throw it in the wash when you’re done!

Not into splurging on one of these blankets? Towels work, too!

4. If you live in Santa Cruz, come to our “Female Ejaculation and the G-spot” class TONIGHT! Deborah Sundahl, the queen of FeJac will be here to teach the in’s and out’s of squirting, gushing, and G-spot play. Can’t make it to her class? Check out her book, Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot, or even one of her DVD’s

5. Embrace your feminine fountain. Not all women have learned how to do it, and many may even envy your ability to flow. Furthermore, as you said before, plenty of folks think it’s SUPER hot. So squirt away!

Hope this helps!

A quick book review on The Ultimate Guide to Kink:

Tristan Taormino’s The Ultimate Guide to Kink is a great book for kinksters of all skill levels and proclivities. Taormino has collected a series of essays from some of the world’s leading BDSM educators. Rather than being an all-encompassing instruction manual, the book features a wide variety of essays on topics ranging from rope bondage and power exchange to taboo role play and mindfucks. Each essay is written by a different educator and the enthusiasm each person has for their topic is evident. The result is an insightful and educational guide that will set your mind ablaze with possibilities.

Highly recommended!

-Ari from Pure Pleasure

I believe that sex represents more than just the creation of children.

I believe it is an enjoyable, healthy and a profound part of the human experience.

I also believe that the responsible use of birth control is an essential component of a mature, civilized society.

And if these beliefs make me a slut in some people’s eyes, then so be it.

I will stand united with my fellow sluts, now and always

Kev Asks:

I’m not too sure if you’ll be able to help me but I do some desperate advice. I’ve recently been doing nude modeling for an art class and last night “I came standing to attention” mid way through it’s incredibly unprofessional and I’m sure no one signed up for that! I’m really worried it will happen again.  Is there any cream or any advice that could keep it down? Please help if you can, im not sure if you answer these types of questions. Thanks

Dear Kev:

My best advice? Jerk it. If you masturbate before you model for these art classes it might help with unexpected visitors. Stressing about what happened may only make it more likely to happen again, so it’s best for you to store your worries away in your very own “well that was funny” memory bank and move forward. Random boners happen, and dwelling on it will only make you more anxious. If you’re really worried, whack off a few times before the class to wear your buddy out. Moments like this happen to everyone, so think lightly of it and relax.

Best of luck with future modeling!

Best,
Lollie

About Lollie: Lollie is a Pure Pleasure employee and educator,  kink advocate, and a redhead with a personality to match.

Wondering Mind Asks:

I have a question about my boyfriend.  We’ve been dating for about a year and a half now.  We’ve been intimate but its only one time a day and thats all.  haha, somedays I just want more or all day sex and I ask why only once, he says its because he can’t get it up again, which makes me feel like its my fault.  Is it? I also asked about taking a pill and he says he doesn’t want to because he doesn’t want a hard on all day.. Please help me:((

Dear Wondering Mind:

Can I just say, I admire your sex drive (and am a little envious as well)

One thing to remember is your sex drive is unique to you, and your partner may not crave sex at the same rate as you do. And this probably does not have anything to do with you. Hormones, blood flow/circulation, age, health, and genetics are all factors that affect sex drive and sexual performance, and are often out of your control.

In your boyfriend’s case (and like most men) he is experiencing a refractory period after ejaculation in which he is temporarily unable to get an erection again. Every man’s refractory period is different; some can get a second wind within a few minutes, while others will need many hours. Think of it as a little siesta for the cock, where it requires some downtime to muster up the energy for the next big performance. As is the case for most men, there is very little you can do to change his ability to get hard again until the cock has had its siesta.

With that said, there are plenty of other sexy things you can do that don’t involve a hard cock. With the right technique and openness for experimentation, soft-cocks can provide some fun playtime as well. Or what about mouths and hands? Just because you can’t play with a hard cock doesn’t mean you can’t play at all.

If mouths and hands won’t cut it, or you just really love the feeling of something hard and phallic inside of you, consider dildos as your new best friend. They come in all sorts of shapes, sizes, and materials – even super-soft ones in flesh tones for more of a “real” feel! And because dildos don’t experience refractory periods, they are ready to play anytime your heart desires

Want the perks of an ever-hard dildo combined with the physical contact of your partner? Consider the Deuce Male Harness by Spareparts. The Deuce has 2 holes – one on top for a dildo, and one underneath for the homegrown cock – and can be worn by your man so he can be hard whenever he wants. It allows for hands-free sexy fun, and also works for double penetration!

For more information on all things erect, check out “The Hardness Factor”. Hope this helps!