Wow, I have not posted here since April! Last year I thought it was a good idea to start a blog and talk about my cancer diagnosis but what I didn’t realize is that, after treatment is over, you don’t really want to talk about cancer. Or treatment. Or surgery. Or appointments. At least I don’t anyway. I want to think about anything BUT cancer. I’d rather be anywhere in the world than in a doctor’s office. Normal, routine medical things now fill me with major anxiety. I can’t be looked at and prodded anymore. I’ve become quite a baby about it, actually.

On June 5^th, I had my final surgery, the last step of my reconstruction. And that was supposed to be it; that was the last step. I recovered and healed up just fine and was on my merry way. So when I woke up on the 4^th of July feeling really crappy, I thought I had the flu. I felt achy all over, had a fever, and my chest kind of hurt. But I didn’t think anything of it until next day when I didn’t feel better and my chest really started to hurt. The right side was pink and swollen and warm to the touch. These are not good signs. It finally hit me: I had an infection. My plastic surgeon’s office called in antibiotics for me to start taking on Thursday night and I went into the office Friday morning to be checked out.

Of course, I consulted Dr. Google about what might be coming my way. Many people said that if you have an infection, the implant has to come out. Um, well that was no good. Others said they had to take a course of antibiotics. I hoped on the ride over to the office that they would look at me and tell me to take antibiotics for awhile and send me home. But what ended up happening was another surgery. That day.

This was not part of my plan.

To say I was bummed would be an understatement. I was supposed to be done with all this crap. How could I have an infection? Well, what I didn’t completely understand is that radiated skin/tissue and foreign objects don’t mix. Blood flow and circulation in radiated areas aren’t as good. We all have bacteria on our skin (like normal staph, which is what my infection was) but the body is good at keeping it in check. Except when you’re dealing with radiation and implants.

Prior to the surgery, the surgeon told me he was going to go in and see how bad the infection was. If it was super bad, the implant was coming out. If it wasn’t too bad, he was going to gamble and put a new one in and hope for the best. When I woke up, he had put in a new one. My chances for keeping this one are about 20%; time will tell if the infection comes back after I finish my course of antibiotics. In the event I get another infection, the implant is straight up coming out and then I have to explore the options of a different kind of surgery. This one would take tissue and muscle from another part of my body rather than using an implant (the body deals much better with its own stuff rather than an implant in this situation). A surgery like this would be a month out of work and probably about three months until I could get back to a regular workout routine. Not to mention another scar. And to all of that I say “No thank you.” So my plan for now is that this implant is going to stick and I’m going to be fine. In my mind, that’s the only option.

Well hello there! Long time, no blog. It’s been over two months since my last post! The explanation for my absence is a good one: I’ve been busy living my life! Each day that goes by cancer gets farther and farther from my mind. When I went in for a checkup with my oncologist at the beginning of this month she said I only have to go every 6 months for the next 5 years, so my next scheduled appointment with her isn’t until October! That was music to my ears. I’m so over that place, so over talking to doctors, so over being poked and prodded. I went from seeing a doctor only once a year to getting cancer and seeing a doctor at least once a week, which was way too much for me to handle. And let’s not forget the daily radiation. What a pain in the ass that was!

I love being on the other side of this. When I first got diagnosed and was going through treatment, I knew all the dates of when things were supposed to be over but it seemed so long and far away, it was like it didn’t exist. Like I would never be done. But holy crap, I am in the home stretch now! I’m back baby, 99%! The only thing I need to make it 100% is my long hair back

Any Mad Men fans out there? When I was watching the “Tea Leaves” episode a few weeks ago, Betty ran into an old friend (Joyce) who has cancer. Betty asked her what it was like and I wish I had the quote of Joyce’s response. Her description was on point; I need to find a transcript of what she said. Basically it went like this:

“It’s like being way out in the ocean, alone and trying to stay afloat and you see people on the shore, but they get farther and farther away. And you struggle to stay afloat, because it’s natural, but soon you get tired and give in and hope you go straight down.”

Granted, this is kind of morbid and Betty’s question of “What’s it like?” could also be referring to what it’s like knowing that you’re going to die soon. But it’s the next thing Joyce said that really struck a chord, something like, “and then your mind goes to ‘What am I going to fix for lunch?’” That perfectly describes, for me, the two disparate states of mind you have as a cancer patient. You have to go through these horrible treatments, feel like crap, lose your hair, and deal with all the scary thoughts that plague you. It’s so lonely. No one else around you (it seems) is going through what you’re going through. You’re out in the water and everyone you know is on the shore. But at the same time, your mind still goes to the mundane things in life. I still put out the trash and recycling every Monday night. I did laundry. I ran errands. All these things were so meaningless in the face of what I was going through yet I still thought about them. It’s a very weird feeling.

I don’t ever want to feel that way again. On the other side is such a better place to be.

My husband has been sick for the past few days: sore throat, runny nose, low grade fever, congestion. This is as sick as I think I have ever seen him. He doesn’t usually get sick. Thankfully (insert knocking on wood), I am feeling just fine. Which I think is just another testament to my awesome immune system I truly feel bad that he has been feeling so sick and I am very happy that he is finally on the mend.

Now, I don’t intend this to sound mean at all, but I keep thinking that I am glad it’s not me. I absolutely hate being sick. I have so much compassion for people who have chronic illnesses and spend many of their days not feeling well. I felt that even more so when I was going through chemo. Many days, especially during the first four rounds (thanks red devil), I felt like crap. Run down, exhausted, a hint of a sore throat. You know that feeling you have when you’re coming down with something? I felt that way most of the time, due to the fact that my white blood cell count was in the crapper (no white blood cells = no immunity). It was worse knowing I was being made to feel that way on purpose. But it was all for the greater good, right?

Don’t worry, I got through it by complaining my little heart out to my husband and my family (thanks for listening, guys!). :-p

So hubby is feeling better (yay!) and I am happy to report I am doing just fine. I had my first appointment with my oncologist since I finished chemo and it went great. She basically told me that I am a survivor and to let me know if I have any weird symptoms that are out of the norm and see ya later. That is exactly the kind of appointment I wanted. Now, there is the matter of me getting my prescription for Tamoxifen (that I have yet to pick up) but I won’t let that dampen the positive spirit of this post.

Oh, and if you like dogs and aren’t annoyed by the voice that I use to talk to my dogs, I posted two more short videos from this weekend. Nothing groundbreaking here, just my dogs running around and being cute. I took them from my iPhone and the orientation is messed up on one of them (sorry about that).

I think everyone “knows” what cancer is. It’s bad. It’s scary. It can be life threatening. The treatment for it sucks.
But when you break it down to just the basics, normal cells go through a programmed life cycle of birth, life, and then death. Some cells become damaged and they no longer follow this protocol. The don’t die. Instead, they multiply. The push out healthy cells. They invade tissue. This is all that cancer is (in a very simplified way). I knew this before I was diagnosed. What I wondered when I was told I had it was how in the heck did I get it? I consider myself pretty healthy. I could not understand why immune system failed me. What did I do wrong? One too many sodas over the course of my lifetime? My love of candy? The fact that I stopped running as my primary workout? What was it? I didn’t know. I always thought my immune system kicked ass. I’m rarely sick. Weird things don’t really happen to my body. I heal well. Before I got cancer, I worked in the same office as people who had a sinus infection, bronchitis, and colds; I didn’t get any of that. Heck, WHILE I was going through chemo someone in my office had pneumonia. My white counts were low a lot of the time that I went to work. I didn’t get any type of infection during treatment despite having little-to-no immunity.

This just did not add up for me. How could my immune system stop me from getting colds, but not stupid cancer?

I then read something about cancer that I didn’t know. Maybe a lot of people know this, but I didn’t. I think I have been
semi-brainwashed by a lot of “junk” out there surrounding cancer. Like, have you ever heard that everyone has cancer cells in them but their immune system kills them off if it’s strong enough? Or that eating asparagus will magically cut your risk of cancer in half? Or that eating any type of animal protein basically puts you in the danger zone? I’ve heard a lot of foolish things about why people get cancer. A lot of them I know are stupid but I couldn’t help but think I did this to myself. Maybe I had one too many hamburgers in my lifetime. Or too many Swedish Fish ultimately led me down this path. And even though I know people who chug soda like it’s their job or eat way more fast food than I do and they don’t have cancer, I still had this mentality: it’s my fault. Until I read that the reason cancer functions the way it does is because your immune system does not recognize cancer as foreign. After all, these are your own cells (duh). They’re just your own cells gone rogue. So typically, your immune system does not try to fight them.

And it all makes sense to me. No matter how many different ways I have thought about this, it did not make sense to me that someone who rarely gets sick couldn’t “fight off” this cancer. I feel so much better. I have stopped thinking that this was all my own doing.

I have my own hypothesis as to the cause of my bc, but I will save boring you with that for another day.

I haven’t been as good doing regular posts on my blog like I wanted to when I first started. Work, the holidays, spending time with friends and family have all taken priority (rightfully so). Still, it seems a little strange that I haven’t found 10 minutes here or there to sit down and make an update. Every time I put it on a list, I always move it to the next day’s tasks. Clearly this strategy has not been working for me.

I think I keep putting it on the back burner because, well, I’m over breast cancer. Yup, just plain over it! It doesn’t consume my every thought like it used to. I don’t go to sleep and wake up thinking about it. I don’t spend a ridiculous amount of time obsessively reading every post on breastcancer.org or googling every single side effect and statistic.

Now, I don’t want to go and tempt fate or jinx myself, but I feel really good. Obviously, I don’t look like my old self yet (I’ve probably got about 1” of hair growth on my head – woo!) but I don’t even think about THAT as much anymore. I can’t tell you how awesome it feels to be getting back to normal. I can’t tell you how thankful I am for this life and for all of the wonderful people (old and new!) who have supported me during the last 7 months. I am eternally grateful for each and every one of you! I am definitely on the other side of this and I couldn’t have done it without you.

This is all good stuff here.

I have five radiation treatments left. That’s right, just a measly 5. January 17^th will mark the end of my  active treatment. I’m ready. I still have a couple things left, but they aren’t nearly as bad as what I’ve already done. I have to start taking Tamoxifen (prescription that binds to estrogen making it less available for tumors to feed on) in February. I also have the second half of my reconstruction surgery sometime in June. Tamoxifen may give me a lot of shitty side effects; but it may not. Going under the knife again isn’t the most fun thing in the world but these things look like child’s play compared to what I’ve been through.

As I said to the hubs on Sunday, “I’m BACK, baby!”

Sorry cancer, but I’ve moved on.

How is it that I have not had a cold in two years but I got breast cancer? 

That is all.

Is this me?

I have spent a lot of time looking at old pictures of myself and wondering if I will be that person again. I feel as though I don’t look anything like the girl in those photos and it makes me feel a twinge of sadness. Most of my time is spent dwelling on the superficial. My hair is so long! I had eyebrows! I miss my eyelashes! I am happy to report that all three are starting to grow back, but I’ve got miles to go before I look like the person in this pic again.

What I do know is that on the inside, I haven’t changed. I want to take this time to be an even better version of myself and not let this experience taint me. I don’t want to live in fear that this is going to come back. I don’t want to be scared every time I have a blood test or a scan. I don’t want to be worried over every little ache and pain.

All of that is way easier said than done. Still, I have this feeling that I am going to be just fine.

Breathing from a hole in my lung
I had no one
But faces in front of me
Racing through the void in my head
To find traces of a good luck academy

Sparks ignite and trade them for thought
About no one
And nothing in particular
Washed the sickened socket and drove
Resent nothing
There’s good will inside of me

Wake me up low with a fever
Walking in a straight line
Set me on fire in the evening
Everything will be fine
Waking up strong in the morning
Walking in a straight line
Lately I’m a desperate believer
But walking in a straight line

Something I will never forget
I felt desperate
And stuck to the marrow 
Invisible to everyone else
I’m a sex change
And a damsel with no heroine

Wake me up low with a fever
Walking in a straight line
Set me on fire in the evening
Everything will be fine
Waking up strong in the morning
Walking in a straight line
Lately I’m a desperate believer
But walking in a straight line

I don’t need no time to say
There’s no changing yesterday
If we keep talking and
I keep walking in straight lines

Wake me up low with a fever
Walking in a straight line
Set me on fire in the evening
Everything will be fine
Waking up strong in the morning
Walking in a straight line
Lately I’m a desperate believer
But walking in a straight line

Yep, Silverchair pretty much sums it up.

Wow! It has been a couple weeks since I have posted; time really does go by so fast! I have my radiation dry run next Monday and then I start the actual zaps (is that what you call them?) the next day for a total of 28 rounds. So barring any major snow days and including the two upcoming holidays, I should be all done with rads on Monday, January 16th. Awesome!

It has been so nice not to run to the doctor every week. Other than not having any hair, my life seems almost normal again and I love it. I am just soaking it all up and enjoying every minute of it. Oh, and I have been torturing my husband by making him look at my head every day and telling me if the hair looks longer than it did the day before. And he always says yes!

We still have some lingering snow here in Maine from last week’s storm (but it’s all melting since it’s 60 degrees today – that’s my kind of winter weather). I took a little video of my dogs this past weekend after we got back from our walk. Enjoy!

That’s right, I am officially Post-Effing-Chemo. It feels so good. It will feel even better once I get this last round of chemo out of me and my energy is back and the aches are gone. I can’t believe this is the last time that I will have to feel so crappy. I hope that this is the last time in my life that I ever feel so physically jacked up. It makes me take my health even more seriously than I used to. I never want to feel like this again.

I got to spend my last treatment with my Mom and Lesley. Les even brought some sparkling grape juice to celebrate the event. It was awesome, so thoughtful! (We’re saving the Moet for later ). I feel so lucky and fortunate to have had so much support while going through chemo.

Things are moving along quite nicely. I get my port out this Friday. I have my radiation simulation on the 21st and I believe that I can start the actual rads on the 28th. I am so ready to get that behind me as well. I should be done radiation in January. It would have been nice to be finished with them at the end of the year so that I could start 2012 somewhat fresh, but it’s ok. It will all be behind me eventually!

Me & Lesley, New Year's 2006. I can do short hair again, no?

I was looking at some older pics of me when I had shorter hair and I think it’s doable again. I’ve never had pixie short hair and I have never wanted hair that short, so that phase is going to be kind of annoying. But who knows. Maybe I will like how it looks…? I’m skeptical, because I know my comfort level is at least chin length. I am sure that pixie will be better than the wig, though.

Grow, hair, grow!!!!!!!!!!