The Purpose of Pain

Should I Have a Baby (or get a puppy) When Chronically Ill?

noreply@blogger.com (Purpose of Pain) — Sat, 01 Mar 2014 05:09:00 +0000

Let me preface this post by saying, I in no way think puppies and babies are equal. Let's just get that out there. Babies have a soul and were created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27). While they are soft, cute, and cuddly, puppies do not have a soul and are not created in God's image. Puppies are not children and, of course if you've been around children much you know that they are not puppies. You can't put your child in a crate for hours at a time and leave the house, and you can't give a child away to an animal shelter when you get tired of them or realize you are in way over your head :)

I've long since wanted to blog about the difficult and emotional decision of whether or not to have children when chronically ill. We are blessed to have a healthy and beautiful daughter and while I am thankful for her and never want to take her for granted (though of course, I do at times) I also never hoped to have only one child. But our life is very different from our dreams and so my husband and I have had to realize that due to the nature of my chronic pain and the degree of my disability, it would not be wise to have another baby or welcome a child into our family through the beauty of adoption. Some days I accept this better than others, but the longer my pain goes on and the challenges I've seen with having a puppy in our house over the past couple of months (more on that to come) the more I know my body could not likely endure mothering another child (let alone the pains of pregnancy/childbirth). Of course, God is the one who ultimately decides these things and so like all areas of our life, we desire to surrender this to Him and trust Him, but adding another child to our family is not something we are actively pursuing at this point.

But there are some of you that may be trying to decide whether to have a child when chronically ill, and what a hard decision it is! Last year, Lisa Copen, at Rest Ministries, a wonderful support ministry for those with chronic illness, gave me a copy of her e-book "Should I Have a Baby if I am Chronically Ill? The Ultimate Guide of Questions to Ask Yourself, Your Spouse, and Your Medical Team"

Picture Source

Although I am not currently pursuing having another child, since my pain began right before I found out I was pregnant I can attest that the questions in this e-book are great questions to consider before having a child when chronically ill. I really liked that Lisa begins with questioning our motive for wanting to have a baby. This is so critical, I think, because often we desire a baby for how it makes us feel or because we want to be like our friends who have children instead of thinking through the commitment and purpose of having a child and being a parent. Which I believe is primarily to bring glory to God and to train the child in the ways of the Lord so that he/she can then glorify God and share the gospel with others.

The book is just as the title suggests, a book of questions (over 400 in fact!) and while it is geared more toward the first-time parent, it would also be beneficial for those considering a second or even third child (especially if the illness came after the first child). Lisa has a section devoted to adoption and provides some resources for that, which I really appreciated as I think too often we don't consider adoption when thinking of having children. Lisa, of course is a great resource on this subject as she adopted her son while chronically ill.

So what does this have to do with getting a puppy?

It's funny. I remember having newly married friends who would get a puppy before having children. I've even seen friends who struggle with infertility get small house dogs. Not being an animal lover (at least not during my adult years) and having never struggled with infertility I never really understood why. That is until I became chronically ill and now have a puppy myself.

In my last post I mentioned that we got a puppy kind of unexpectedly at Christmas this past year. I remember one of my best childhood friends had a small house-dog (a terrier of some type named, Destiny) that I thought was so cute and I thought it would be fun to have a small inside dog. But growing up we always had bigger outside dogs because we live in a more rural area. A couple of years ago a friend of ours had a Yorkshire terrier that would just come lay in my lap when we visited their house. I thought it sure would be nice to have a dog to keep our daughter company, and I would enjoy having a companion on my bad days when I'm resting and when my husband works evenings. Then out of the blue we heard about someone selling Yorkie-poo pups. I saw a picture and told my husband, expecting him to say "not right now", but he didn't. The catch? I was to be the "primary care-giver" (of course my hubby is great and does help a lot, but I've tried to keep my end of the deal when I can). So, I researched and read and thought about it a lot and a few days later we brought home this little guy. (I was really interested to read that Yorkie-poos are good dogs for elderly people and make good therapy dogs!)

The first couple of days it was fun and he was so cute, mostly sleeping in our laps. Then as we started working on house-training, biting, chewing, jumping, obeying, walking on a leash, crating, getting him on a schedule, etc. I realized, this is no joke, it's hard work! I felt like I had a newborn again getting up with a puppy during the night to take him outside. Actually it was worse because this newborn could walk around and didn't wear a diaper!

Then it hit me...this is why young couples often get puppies before having kids! If you can survive house-breaking and training a dog then you can easily survive having a child. Well, maybe not easily, but it's definitely good practice.

Having a puppy has not been easy and several times I've wondered if I shouldn't have gotten a puppy since I have chronic pain. It hasn't helped that we have had one of the coldest and longest winters that I can remember and the extra work has been hard on my pain, but things are starting to get easier. The hope of course is that the short term struggle will produce long term gain and we will end up with a good family dog that we all enjoy. We still have several more of the "puppy" months to get through though!

It has been interesting caring for a small animal that weighs less than my daughter did when she was born. There's something relaxing (maybe even healing?) about holding a dog in your lap or having them snuggle up against you. And I guess I can understand a little why maybe having a dog is helpful for those who struggle with infertility (whether that be primary or secondary) or loneliness in general. But, again, my puppy is not a child and could never take the place of my daughter or fill the void of childlessness. Only Jesus can do that for any of our deepest longings.

So, am I saying you should just get a puppy instead of having a child when you are chronically ill? By no means! If you think having a child with your condition is wise and what God wants you to do then have a child (a puppy is no real comparison!) Should you get a puppy before having a child when you are chronically ill? I don't know, maybe. It might be helpful (in a very small way) allowing you to see how labor intensive it is to care for a baby. So, if you can't have children (or don't feel it's wise due to your condition), should you just find "healing" in getting a puppy and get over it? No. It's never that easy.

While a puppy might bring some happiness to your life, it can never heal you of the pain of not being able to have children (or more children, in my case). Only Jesus can heal the wounds of this pain-stricken, disease-infested, sin-filled world. Only He can give us true joy and peace and purpose for living when the world around us makes us feel like we're not "good enough" because we don't have children or a healthy body. Again, we have to ask, what is our motive for wanting to have children when chronically-ill, and then after researching, thinking, praying, and seeking counsel trust that God knows best. He knows best whether we have only one child or several children. He knows best if we have a puppy and no children or a puppy and a child. And He knows best if the only companion we have in this life is Jesus. He knows best and He is enough, He is always enough. I am trying to trust that today.

The views and opinions expressed in this post are my own. They are not a direct reflection of Rest Ministries or Lisa Copen. I was given this e-book free of charge and I was not compensated for my review or publicity of this book.

2013 Year End Review

noreply@blogger.com (Purpose of Pain) — Wed, 01 Jan 2014 02:56:00 +0000

Is it just me or has this year gone by fast? It could be that I spent the first several months of the year recovering from arthroscopic FAI/labral tear hip surgery, but either way I think as they say the years do seem to go by faster as you age!

2013 has been a year of great blessing as I was finally awarded disability after a 2 year wait, but it's also been a year of great disappointment and hurt as two full-time church ministry positions (one we had been waiting on for 8 months) fell through for my husband and he continues to work the horrible, long hours and low pay of retail management. The past 3 months we have struggled to understand what God is doing in our lives or what He wants us to do, but we continue trust in His mysterious providence.

I've been a poor blogger this year thanks to headaches that began after I did an intense juicing detox this past summer (in hopes of it helping with my pain levels). I had a headache every day for 2 months that no medication, rest, or alternative medicine would touch! I continue to get them periodically now, but I am grateful to God I no longer have them every day. I do not know what caused the headaches, but my theory is that the detox and diet elimination (no sugar, gluten, or dairy) I tried for 3 months was very labor intensive and the long hours cooking and standing caused muscle compensation and strain resulting in headaches. I continue to try to eat as "clean" as I can because I do think diet affects the way we feel (though I am confident it is not the soul cause of my chronic pain), but I no longer am adhering to such a strict diet because my body could not handle it!

I am now 1 year post-op from hip surgery. In the last 3 months I finally feel like some of my surgical pain and muscle soreness has gotten better, but I still struggle to lay on my left hip for very long and I still have major muscle tightness (particularly in my IT band, adductors, quadricep, and psoas - though it's hard to tell how much of that is just from long standing muscle compensation and pain). My hip pain was not my worst pain pre-op and most days it is still not my most debilitating symptom. But I do struggle with hip pain if I am on my feet or walking a lot. Overall I would say that I did not see the effect from surgery that I had hoped (namely less overall pelvic pain and improved ability to sit), but I do not regret having the surgery. There were some scary days early in my recovery when it seemed I might have developed full blown CRPS, but while I do have symptoms of central nervous system sensitization I am grateful they are not as severe as they could be.

I have not done a lot treatment-wise this year other than occasional physical therapy visits, self PT (I've found the Therawand to be helpful for pelvic floor pain as well other tools mentioned here), massages (I've found I function much better when I get bi-monthly massages), and of course medication. The first 2 years of my debilitating pain I tried many invasive treatments that only caused my pain to flare and did nothing for my overall pain. Until there are major changes in diagnostics and treatment for pelvic pain I plan to continue to focus my efforts on pain management in the future.

I have spent very little time researching causes and treatments for my pain this year and have for the most part stayed away from forums and message boards. There is definitely a time and need for those things, but for me it has been good to focus on the life God has currently given me this year instead of worrying and wishing for a better quality of life. My daughter is growing up before my eyes so I've been trying to be as involved in her life as I can which leaves little energy for things like pelvic pain forums and blogging (one day my daughter will be in school and there will be plenty of time to work on my writing!).

Ever since my pain became debilitating and I began to accept my new life my biggest prayer was that if it was God's will for me to have chronic pain that He would help me get to a place where I could manage my pain and have a decent quality of life. In my mind I thought that would mean I would have pain managed by only occasional ibuprofen or Tylenol and I could sit for a couple of hours before having to stand up due to pain. I am FAR from those standards of pain management, but if I am very careful to stay within the limitations I've learned over the years including: very limited sitting, limited walking, taking medications, resting frequently throughout the day, getting frequent massages, stretching, doing physical therapy, taking warm baths, etc, many days I am able to care for my family, avoid pain flares, and have a decent quality of life (though very different from most 30 year old mothers).

I still miss my old life, struggle to fight for joy in the Lord, and am often lonely, but I am very, very grateful for how God is sustaining me in my journey with pain. 2013 brought many surprises (including a new puppy) and graces and because of the hope in knowing Christ as my Savior and Lord it is with joy that I can look forward to 2014 and what the God has in store for our family. I hope you've come to know that peace and hope and well. If not, feel free to email me at purposeofpain (at) gmail.com I'd love to talk with you more!

Five Years of Pain

noreply@blogger.com (Purpose of Pain) — Thu, 07 Nov 2013 16:39:00 +0000

I used to love the season of fall and everything that came with it - sweatshirts and jeans, crisp mornings, a big bowl of chili. But not anymore. Fall is my worst enemy it seems. My pain flares more in the colder months, I can't find clothes to wear that are comfortable (other than my usual yoga pants), chili often gives me heartburn, and the 4pm sunset is pretty depressing for us all I think.

Even more, every fall I am reminded of my pain. This week marks five years with chronic pain. Wow, half a decade! When my pain began I could have never imagined it would become chronic, widespread, and debilitating as I was always so healthy and it started so spontaneously. Five years sounded like an eternity in my early days with pain, but in retrospect the time has actually passed quickly (though the days are often long). God has given me great grace to endure and continue to function most days with chronic pain. I remember the things I used to be able to do before pain, but I honestly don't remember what it felt like not to have pain every second on the day, and that's probably a good thing.

One of my favorite praise songs is "All I Have is Christ"(see video below). The last verse says,

                    Oh father use my ransomed life
                    In any way you choose
                    And let my song forever be
                   My only boast is You.

I used to sing these words before chronic pain and I thought I knew what it meant to say "father use my ransomed life in any way you choose." After all, I had surrendered to a life of overseas mission work. If God called me to a place of persecution and I had to lose my life for the sake of the gospel of Jesus Christ, I thought I could do that by God's grace. But I never thought God might choose pain and suffering for my ransomed life. In fact I never really thought about suffering on a personal level much, although I had seen intense suffering while living in Africa. Despite being a nurse, I didn't really understand there was a world of young men and women suffering with chronic illness and pain.

My eyes have been opened to world of pain and hurt these past five years and I wouldn't change it. Of course I'd be happy to be done with this pain and have more active and easier life again, but the things I have learned through pain have changed me. They've given me great empathy for others in suffering and I've grown to trust God more than I ever did before. I've learned that this life is not about me and my happiness, but about God and His glory. I've learned suffering is the "norm" in the Christian life (John 16:33) and I shouldn't be surprised by it (1 Peter 4:12). While I don't always see the good in my pain, I know God is good and He is using this for my good (Romans 8:28). And I take hope knowing that one day God will wipe away all our tears and make all things new again (Revelation 21:4-5).

Sometimes I think I'd rather pick a different ransomed life with a less intense form of suffering, but I know God has chosen this ransomed life specifically for me to accomplish His purposes and draw me to Himself. The thought of another 5 years of pain (or 10 or 20) seems daunting to me, and sometimes I wonder how long my body will be able to endure, but in reality whether I'm healthy or not all I have is Christ. My every breath is under His control (Job 12:10) and because of that I know I can endure whatever comes my way.

Tasty Tuesday: Gluten Free/Dairy Free Waffles

noreply@blogger.com (Purpose of Pain) — Tue, 17 Sep 2013 18:57:00 +0000

I'm no longer on my restricted diet (more on that to come), and I know I haven't posted any of my "Tasty Tuesday" recipes lately. But I wanted to share a recipe that has become one my mainstays over the past few months. One of the hardest things about going gluten-free (at least for me) is not having the ease of eating a sandwich for lunch (unless you pay an arm and a leg for expensive gluten-free bread which usually has sugar in it!). So I was glad to find this recipe for gluten-free, dairy-free waffles that soak overnight and are prepared in the blender. Thankfully, my husband got me a waffle iron for mother's day after mine broke last year and I am blessed to have a high quality blender. These waffles have proven to be great for breakfast or lunch (using as sandwich "bread")! My four year old loves them.

I follow Passionate Homemaking's recipe except I use a full 14oz can of coconut milk and 2 cups of grains (I use half gluten free oats and half brown rice). This makes about 4 large waffles (16 individual waffles if using a large square waffle maker with 4 squares). I only cooked them about 3 minutes total.

Have you tried any good recipes lately?

Sharing Christ's Sufferings

noreply@blogger.com (Purpose of Pain) — Tue, 03 Sep 2013 21:33:00 +0000

I can't believe it's been 6 weeks since I've blogged! For all my regular readers (if I still have any!) I'm so sorry. I have several posts in my head I'd like to write, but unfortunately my headaches and neck pain have continued for two long months now. I am conserving most of my computer usage/reading (as this flares up the pain) for my daily Bible study. (I am currently co-leading this Bible study, which has been great, but also stressful for me physically).

I've had a few days of reprieve here or there, but nothing long lasting and while I think the pain is structural coming from my sacroiliac joint dysfunction (pelvic misalignment) and resulting muscle compensation along the spine nothing I have tried has given me any lasting relief. Unfortunately, as I've mentioned many times before, I live over 2 hours away from my doctors and physical therapists and my local options have not been helpful for my complex case. I've had pelvic pain for close to 5 years now, so all of my medical professionals specialize in the pelvis. This is one of the hardest things about this type of chronic pain - trying to be my own doctor and figuring out how to get the next symptom that pops up back under control.

Today I was having a particularly hard day. My pain level was higher and I felt discouraged that I can't find a medical practitioner to help me with my head/neck pain. I try really hard not to cry or talk about my pain in front of my 4 year old daughter. But today she must have heard me in my room talking to my husband and crying. She came and hugged me and said,

"Mommy it's ok. I know your head and neck may not stop hurting on Earth, but one day it won't hurt anymore in heaven!"

My daughter quickly helped me remember that this world is not my home. And as I hugged her I felt joy that I could "share Christ's sufferings" (1 Peter 4:13) and in doing so help my daughter learn that Jesus is the greatest treasure of all - that nothing in this world, not even health, compares to Him.

Now, please don't get me wrong, I do not rejoice in my suffering the way I should. There are many days I wallow in self-pity, am mean to my husband, and a down right horrible example of Christ. But I am thankful that my suffering has allowed us the opportunity to teach my daughter about how to handle prayer that is not answered favorably (which is where she heard this response above), how to keep trusting in Christ when life is not easy, and how God is good when He gives and takes away.

I wish I could say, my break from blogging is over, but I'm not sure when or if my headaches will go away or become more manageable. Will you please pray that God will help me find resources to improve my pain or that He will take them away as quickly as they came on? And until then, please pray that God will help me to rejoice in my suffering and give me grace to endure this weary world.

Detoxing and Diet Elimination

noreply@blogger.com (Purpose of Pain) — Thu, 18 Jul 2013 22:16:00 +0000

During my recovery from hip surgery, I watched several diet related documentaries including: Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead, Food Matters, Fresh, Forks Over Knives, Food Inc., and others I'm probably forgetting. I've been interested in nutrition for several years, but as I've mentioned before, in the past I was only consumed with body image and ate everything "low fat/fat free".

Then chronic pain came along.

Chronic illness that doesn't respond to traditional medicine will drive one to do just about anything to find reprieve. I've told people I would eat dirt if I thought it might decrease my pain! Sadly, in our modern American culture the last place we look for answers to health problems is what we put in our body. (But that's another topic for another day).

During my years with pain, I can't tell you how many people have asked me if I have tried to eliminate gluten from my diet. As a nurse, I just didn't understand why I would give up gluten. After all, I don't have celiac disease. I've never thought much about diet elimination until this past October, when I began experiencing very troubling upper GI symptoms out of the blue. I tried conventional medications, but when that failed I began looking a little at diet. I greatly decreased dairy in my diet and began researching a lot about the acid-alkaline diet (which is highly debatable). I'm not sure whether it was time or decreasing dairy, but my GI symptoms have been much more tolerable now (and I don't have to take medication for them). This week I have had some symptoms again, but I've been taking apple cider vinegar capsules and am hoping it does not turn into a flare-up. (I've treated this as reflux, but honestly I'm not sure if the burping and esophageal irritation is truly reflux or more of a muscular spasm.)

I've also known some friends who have had some success with auto-immune symptoms from diet elimination. My pain is more nerve irritation/biomechanical, but I have been diagnosed with central nervous system sensitization (very basically: hypersensitivity of the nervous system, so sometimes wearing certain pants feels like sandpaper rubbing me), which is not well understood, but other disorders that have central sensitization as a symptom (i.e. fibromyalgia and complex regional pain syndrome) are thought to have characteristics of autoimmune disorders.

So, I felt like it was worth a try to "clean-up" my diet and eliminate certain foods that are known to cause inflammation in the body (at least for some people). Before doing this I followed the example of one of my friends mentioned above and did a 5 day detox: eating and drinking only fruits and veggies. We did the first 5 days of the 10-Day: Reboot Lite. I was not doing this detox to lose weight (like the Joe Cross of Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead), but rather to clear out my body of all foods except fruits and veggies so that eliminating gluten, dairy, and sugar (which is what I am doing now) would not be as difficult. The hardest part of this detox was not hunger (well, by day 4 I was pretty hungry - though I later read that if you are hungry you can supplement with another juice or piece of fruit/veggie). The hardest part was the prepping and cooking and cleaning. Some days I spent HOURS in the kitchen and my sweet husband was even helping me (he too did the 5 day reboot!). In my opinion, the recipes were pretty tasty except the raw carrot ginger soup and the squash & apple soup (which the recipe didn't seem to be correct as it turned out extremely watery - and we had to eat it 3 times!). But we did it. It was eye opening in a sense because it made me realize how much food is often an idol in our lives and on nights when I went to bed hungry, it made me pray for those around the world, especially children who go to be bed literally starving every night.

This was a light night of prepping!

The detox cost around $100 for 5 days for my husband and I. I bought organic when I could afford it, and I did already have a few of the items on hand and not every ingredient is needed (i.e. parsley, thyme, etc). FYI: in case anyone reading this decides to do this reboot the ingredient list is not exactly right (for example pears are not listed at all).

Although we weren't doing this for weight-loss, my husband lost 6 lbs! He also didn't drink coffee for 2 weeks and is drinking it less often now (and he's a serious coffee drinker - strong coffee made from a French Press or Chemex.). I lost maybe a pound (the meals were very fulfilling to me, in fact sometimes I couldn't finish all the food intended for each meal) and the only side effect I noticed was a really dry mouth towards the end of the detox (despite drinking lots of water) and a white film on my tongue (which some alternative medicine proponents say is caused by toxins leaving the body). I take medication that causes dry mouth so I think it probably had something to do with absorption of my medicine as I wasn't eating as much as I normally would. My husband had a headache for the first 2-3 days due to not drinking coffee.

The smoothies were the best part of the detox!

I have been eliminating gluten, dairy, and sugar from my diet now for 1 month. I'm trying to eat as clean as possible (eliminating processed foods and eating organic produce and good quality meat as our budget allows). Everyone asks if I have noticed any difference in my pain levels yet, but sadly I have not. In fact I've felt worse, as I've been dealing with headaches and neck pain for the last 3 weeks. They started on day 12 of my dietary changes so I do not think they are related to my food intake. The headaches started 5 days after beginning the supplement MSM and 13 days after I greatly increased my Vit D (per MD recommendation). While headaches are a common side effect of MSM, I only took it for 5 days and have been off it now for 3.5 weeks so it doesn't seem to be the cause either.

The only realistic cause I can come up with for my head/neck pain is biomechanical due to standing to prep and cook 3 meals from scratch daily. I understand now why women in the 1940's ran for the processed foods in the supermarkets...they were worn out from cooking ALL DAY LONG (not that that was the best choice)! Of course, everything is more difficult with chronic pain. I'm trying to wait this headache out and use all the tools in my chronic pain arsenal (massage, stretching, foam rolling, yoga, exercises, moist head, drinking more water, OTC anti-inflammatory only when necessary, etc), but I continue to have pain. I plan to stay gluten, dairy, and sugar free for another 2 months if possible. It's not cheap or easy to eat such a restricted diet, but at least in the end I can say, I tried dietary changes and hopefully it will impact my pain levels (once I get over this head/neck pain).

How about you guys....have you ever tried a detox or diet elimination? Did it help?

Hip Update & Prayer Requests

noreply@blogger.com (Purpose of Pain) — Sun, 07 Jul 2013 21:46:00 +0000

It's hard to believe I am already a little over 6 months post-op from my left hip FAI/labral repair. Since I last reported I have not seen much overall improvement in my hip recovery. I continue to have decreased range of motion, especially with external rotation (I can't sit crossed-legged or do the "butterfly stretch") and flexion (bringing my knees to my chest is still difficult for me). But my hip PT thinks my hip joint is doing well, my remaining pain is coming from tight muscles and compensation/weakness. I am just struggling to get these tight muscles to "release". The good news is my knee pain has been better lately. I'm not sure exactly why, but the last 6 weeks I have spent a lot of time massaging my Iliotibial (IT) band and quadricep on my left side. I have also worn my SERF strap (thankfully I finally got insurance to cover it!) when walking for any length of distance. Whatever the reason is, I am thankful, though I am afraid it may come back at any time as I know I still need to strengthen my leg/glute muscles badly. Unfortunately every time I try I end up flaring my pelvic floor or another area of my pain.

One of the biggest frustrations of this last month has been my almost inability to lay on my surgical side again. It seems I have developed some thick scar tissue around to the two outermost surgical openings. I have tried lots of self massage and I also got this little gadget (pictured below) which can be found here to help with self massage, especially of my leg muscles, which I think might be helping some, but I can only tolerate laying a few minutes on my left side. Please pray that I will be able to get this worked out soon as it is already challenging because I cannot lie on my back due to sacral pain and I cannot sit for long (so I am spending a lot of time on my right side!).

I am scheduled to leave tomorrow for three days of treatment with my out of town hip and pelvic floor PT. Unfortunately we've had a lot of troubles with our van that we got used last December, when our car was totaled by another driver. We just spent $600 to put in a new air compressor, after spending $300 the week before for more repairs, but yesterday we realized the air conditioner is still not working right. It's just too hot to drive 2-3 hours without A/C right now and I need to be able to lay down in the van when traveling so as not to increase my pain. Please pray that our mechanic would be able to fix the van quickly in the morning so that we can still leave to get treatment. I am currently without a PT locally so I really need to have some PT in order to keep my pain levels a little lower. I stopped the myofascial release PT, though I might go back as nothing else locally has helped as much as that, which sadly wasn't much.

While I know I need to go have therapy, honestly I don't feel like going because I have had a headache for the last 10 days. I'm not sure what exactly has brought this on, but man do I have empathy for those who have migraines! Headaches just make me tired, irritable, and getting anything done can be a challenge. Some of you who have been around for a few years may remember I struggled with headaches back in 2010. A combination of massage, medications, new pillow, stretches, and the grace of God finally took these headaches away. Please pray that God will relieve these headaches and/or I will figure out what is causing them and how to minimize them.

Over the last few weeks I have made some drastic diet changes (more on that coming soon) to see if it helps with my pain (unfortunately currently I am in more pain than I have been in a while with these headaches!). I have also changed some supplements, but when the headaches started I immediately reverted back to my normal medications/supplements and my headache didn't start until day 12 of my dietary changes so I'm not sure that the two are related. With my new dietary changes I have had to spend a lot more time cooking and I wonder if that has something to do with the headaches. This would make sense because so much of my pain is biomechanically orientated. I have had one massage since they began, but I didn't feel any relief from that. The week before last was also a very busy week for us as my daughter had Vacation Bible School and I have not gotten as much sleep as I need lately so the headaches could be caused by a combination of things.

Some of you who follow my Facebook page may have read my status update from last weekend:

"Our "new" car we got used in December after a car accident has needed almost $1000 worth of repairs this week. Just "luck" that I was approved disability this week? I don't think so. This is God's sovereign hand at work!

Also, is it just chance that today we sold a bike rack for $40 we were never able to use due to my pain? This is God's providence working for our good and His glory!

Of course God is still sovereign when we don't get disability and we don't make extra money, but this sure is a blessing and we want to praise God for his favor! (The extra $40 will pay for a little date my husband and I already had planned - a VERY rare treat for us!)"

It's interesting how quickly things can change! That was a good day, things were "looking up" for us. We had received word that I was approved for disability, gotten some extra cash, and my husband and I were going on a date. A week later, when our car is still not working properly, my head feels like it will explode, and I might not be able to go to my out of town PT as planned I will admit the statement, "Of course God is still sovereign when we don't get disability and we don't make extra money" is not as easy to say. Sadly my response yesterday (when we realized the van air conditioning was still not working and my head was pounding after taking my daughter to a birthday party) was not one of trust in a sovereign God, but one of anger, doubt, and frustration.

The good news is God is faithful even when we are faithless (2 Timothy 2:13). Our faithlessness, as children of God - saved by the blood of Christ, cannot nullify the faithfulness of God (Romans 3:3). And even if we don't understand or want to believe it at times, God is always in complete control, working all things together for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). Thanks for praying!

No Sudden Spiritual Maturity

noreply@blogger.com (Purpose of Pain) — Wed, 03 Jul 2013 12:00:00 +0000

The past several months I have not been very consistent with reading my Bible (this is probably part of the reason why you’ve seen a lack of spiritual growth related posts on the blog lately!). I started out the beginning of the year well doing a daily Bible reading plan through the YouVersion App, but by the Spring my discipline had become lax. I know we are over half way through the year now and this is not typically the time people make commitments to read their Bible, but I’ve wasted enough time. I’m not going to wait another 5 months till 2014 to get back on track with reading the Word of God!

Reading the Bible consistently is something I have struggled with for most of my Christian life, to be honest. I do well for a while reading regularly and then I get in a rut of only opening my Bible at church and sporadically at home. I go back and forth in this pattern and it is easy to get discouraged and feel defeated. Sometimes I feel like I’m so far behind on my “Bible Reading Plan” that I don’t remember what I read last. So rather than pick up the Psalms, for example, and at least read something; I read nothing.

The last 18 months have been particularly hard for me to consistently read the Bible. We have prayed (and so many other people have prayed for us) and tried so many treatments, yet I continue to have debilitating pain, and I think in some ways this has made me apathetic to prayer and reading God’s word. I can make excuses, but it boils down to the fact that I am spiritually lazy and I love the things of this world way too much. I often find time to do the things I want to do, but spending time in God’s word can too easily be pushed to the back burner.

Our pastor read a quote from Amy Carmichael a few Sundays ago that I found encouraging:

“Sometimes when we read the words of those who have been more than conquerors, we feel almost despondent. I feel that I shall never be like that. But they won through step by step by little bits of wills little denials of self, little inward victories by faithfulness in very little things. They became what they are. No one sees these little hidden steps. They only see the accomplishment, but even so, those small steps were taken. There is no sudden triumph no spiritual maturity. That is the work of the moment.” – Amy Carmichael, Holy Sweat (1987) p. 130

Virtually nothing in life that is of any true worth comes instantaneously. And so it is with spiritual growth – there is no sudden spiritual maturity. It is a moment by moment work of denying self and choosing to be faithful in the small things when no one is watching.

This is hard to do. Some days it’s difficult to turn off the T.V. or the Internet browser and pick up the Bible. It doesn’t always seem fun to spend your free time memorizing scripture instead of taking a nap or enjoying a hobby. But it is the most important thing we can do – spend time with God. And by his grace, through the work of the Holy Spirit, it is possible to have those little victories.

But as with most things, we must have a plan or goals in order to ensure we follow through with our intentions. We can commit to reading our Bible daily, but if we don’t know how we are going to do it, it probably will not happen, at least not consistently. And this is my struggle – having a plan and being disciplined to follow through with it.

So what are some small steps we can take to ensure we read the Bible regularly and hide God’s word in our hearts?

1. Seek out accountability and encouragement. The best thing we can do when spiritually struggling (after seeking the Lord for help) is find another Christian to walk along beside us. It is not easy to admit we are not reading the Bible, but we are more likely to succeed if someone asks us weekly what passage of scripture most convicted or encouraged us and if they are praying for us regularly.

2. Make a Plan. Just like one doesn’t lose weight by saying they are going to exercise, we need to plan out how and when we will read the Bible. Otherwise, we will push snooze when the alarm goes off. And if you haven’t read consistently in a while, don’t jump to a “read the Bible in a year plan” but rather be faithful to read one chapter or part of a chapter a day. And as you are faithful in that, ask God to give you the grace to set higher goals.

3. Don’t give up if temptation wins. There will be days of failure. Remember, it is little steps, small victories. If you watch T.V. late one night or need an extra hour of sleep some mornings due to your chronic illness and can’t read the Bible as planned, don’t give up reading altogether. Rather focus on the goal – to know God more. And pick up where you left off, tomorrow.

4. The goal is not just to know about God, but rather to know God. I struggle with this A LOT. I am an intellectual thinker and I enjoy studying theology. So I often read the Bible for facts or knowledge rather than to grow closer to God. Theology is important, but coming to love the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind and strength should be our aim.

5. Pray, Pray, Pray! We can make a plan, have accountability partner, and do all the “right things” but unless God is the one guiding our efforts, we will ultimately fail. Prayer is a discipline just like reading the Bible (I probably need to devote a whole other post to this!) and maybe you struggle with this as well. If so, don’t get discouraged. Start small – five minutes even, especially if you are not currently praying regularly. Then as you seek God through His word and become more disciplined, pray a little more and in time (by God’s grace) prayer will become easier.

Do you struggle to consistently read the Bible? I hope to share some of my personal struggles in the days to come and my new plan as I try to seek God through reading and memorizing His word. If you like to use social media, you can sign up on my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter for new blog updates!

Good News and Bad News

noreply@blogger.com (Purpose of Pain) — Tue, 25 Jun 2013 19:37:00 +0000

First, the good news: after over 4 years, 7 months of chronic debilitating pain and 21.5 months of wading through our nation's disability process....I have been approved!! The bad news is, I am disabled.

It was bittersweet to read the judge's determination letter yesterday. While I've known I've been disabled for quite some time as I've had to give up so many of the activities that I love and I continue to struggle with abilities that are normal for a 30 year old woman, it seems more real to know that I am legally disabled. When asked my employment status on forms I will now have to write "disabled". My daughter has a disabled mother. My husband has a disabled wife.

It's not the life we wanted. Disability is not the "fairy tale" ending that anyone dreams of as a child. No amount of money could compensate for the physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional suffering of disability.

But we are extremely grateful for the extra income we will receive each month, no matter how small it is. This will help us offset some of our monthly bills, especially the medical bills, and allow us to hopefully save a little money again (something we have not been able to do for two years now).

So for all of you who are working hard and paying into social security each pay check. Thank you. It is very humbly to have to accept money and help from others, but please know that you are helping families like us bear the burden of chronic illness and disability.

I pray one day my health will return enough to where I can work again and will not need to rely on government based financial assistance because disability is not the goal. But until that day comes, either on this Earth or in my heavenly home, I accept the benefits of social security disability with a thankful heart knowing many around the world are suffering much worse than I am without opportunities for financial assistance.

Thank you for your faithful prayers concerning this over the last almost 2 years. And most importantly thank you to our great God who has shown us favor and granted our petitions!

"Melting Down Plastic People"

noreply@blogger.com (Purpose of Pain) — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 04:02:00 +0000

Image Source

Today I guest posted over at We Got Real about melting down "plastic people" in the church. It sure is easy to put on a façade when we walk through the church doors, but what does the Bible say about being real with the body of Christ?

We hear it all the time: “I don’t go to church because those people are hypocrites!” We think, “Oh, they don’t understand. We are misrepresented by a few who go to church but aren’t really following Christ.” And while that is often the case, do you ever look around the pews and think, “these people are so fake!”? Or, even worse, know that you are not real with your brothers and sisters you worship with each Sunday?

Those of us who reside in the United States live in a very private and individualistic culture. Even in the South where people are more hospitable, we are overall a “cold climate culture” (task-oriented) rather than a “hot-climate culture” (relationship-based). In most “hot-climate cultures” there is a group mentality. People live in community –they share their food, private lives, homes, etc. Their mentality is that what’s yours is mine and what is mine is yours. Sadly this is not the norm in our Western Culture and definitely not in most American churches.

Be sure to check out the rest of the post here for 5 ways we can strive to live in real community with other believers.

Lots of Prayers Needed!

noreply@blogger.com (Purpose of Pain) — Mon, 20 May 2013 02:43:00 +0000

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. This last month my parents have been renovating the kitchen of the house we rent from them. It should be finished in the next couple of weeks and what a blessing it will be! My daughter is finished with preschool for the summer, and so any extra energy I have has been going toward caring for my family and enjoying the warmer weather before it becomes too hot to be outside!

Tomorrow is a BIG day, though, and I sure could use some extra prayers. After 20 months of wading through the disability process and being denied twice, I will have my hearing in the morning. My attorney thinks I have a good chance of being granted disability since my pain affects my standing, walking, and most importantly sitting ability. But I know that anything can happen and it's really in the hands of the judge who will be hearing my case. If I am not given disability benefits then there would not be any reason for me to reapply unless my condition worsens. Please pray that I will explain my pain/limitations well , that the judge will be empathetic, and that he will see how my pain prohibits me from working. Pray that we will trust God no matter what the decision is. (We will not get a response for 30-60 days).

I have continued to see myofascial release therapist for the last 3 months, but I am not seeing any real improvement. The biggest issue is that this therapist is not trained to work on the pelvic floor and without that my sitting ability is not likely to improve. I am not sure what to do honestly. I have tried almost every therapist in this area that I can find who has any experience at all in the pelvic floor. I continue to try to research and call other therapists in this area, but it seems I am out of options. It's hard to understand why God would put us in an area without knowledgeable health care providers to help me, but for some reason He has not allowed us to leave this area yet. It is extremely frustrating and discouraging and were it not for Christ I would despair (and rightfully so!). Please pray against the temptation to worry and despair. Pray that God in His timing would provide a way for me to manage my pain better or preferably that He would take it away!

I am 9 days shy of being 5 months post-op from hip surgery for FAI/labral tear. The last few weeks I have been dealing with a lot of operative side knee pain again. I have had problems with this knee on/off for several years, but especially after surgery. My PT (that I travel 2.5 hours to see every 4-6 weeks) thinks the knee pain is due to my quad and glute weakness which is causing my femur to rotate internally when walking. Also my IT band is extremely tight and overworked due to extreme weakness in my adductors/vastus medialis. Unfortunately I struggle to do very much strengthening because it increases my pelvic floor burning. Lately my knee pain has made walking and even standing painful. I've been using KT tape (which helps some), anti-inflammatories, foam rolling, warm Epsom salt baths/heat, self-massage/trigger point release, but I am still struggling. I am trying to get my insurance to cover a SERF strap, which my PT thinks may help with the hip internally rotating, but please pray that when I travel to see my therapist this week she will have some other tips to help me get this knee pain under control. Also pray that she will help me find some exercises in general that I can tolerate better in order to regain some strength.

Thank you for praying for our out of town trip back in April. It was not easy, but God gave great grace and allowed us a good visit with my husband's family. Also thank you for praying for my husband's job interview. Sadly, we are still waiting to hear whether my husband will get this promotion or not (he should finally hear this week, Lord willing), but we did learn that even if he gets this promotion the pay will only increase minimally. So he will actually work more hours for less money overall, due to changing from an hourly to a salaried position. This is of course disappointing, but we know God is in control of this as well and He knows what we need. Pray we would trust God to provide and that He would provide either through disability or a different job for my husband.

It seems the Lord has been and is continuing to teach us patience. I know I am far too often weary of having to wait, and I complain and worry about the trials we face. But I pray God will help us hold firm to Him till the end and that we would fix our eyes on Him as we wait.

Guest Post: This Was Not Plan B

noreply@blogger.com (Purpose of Pain) — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 21:55:00 +0000

Below is a guest post from my friend, Bonnie. For the last year she has been dealing with some health issues that have recently caused great disappointment for her family. See seven truths Bonnie strives to remember when she is tempted to despair. I think you will be encouraged. I sure was!

On Valentine’s Day, we received news that the mission agency we’ve been in the application process with for the past three years denied our acceptance due to my current health situation. This was definitely one of the top three most disappointing moments in the life of our marriage. The sinking sensation that accompanied the news was the same sort of feeling we experienced when we found out we would likely never have biological children and then a year later when the phone call came telling us our attempted domestic adoption fell through due to the birth mother changing her mind. Karate kick. In the gut.

The past two months of sorting through this realization has been perplexing for us, to say the least. We never had a “Plan B” when it came to our career path as a couple. For the past 13 years, living overseas in order to share the Gospel with the unreached is all my husband or I have ever wanted to do with our lives. Over a decade of preparation, schooling, and plans seemed to crash into a wall of a million whys during those early weeks of coming to grips with the reality that our lives and ministries will be looking vastly different than we ever imagined.

I think what has been the hardest thing about this disappointment is the long-term reality of my health situation. I know I’m not in a good place right now, and we are beginning to realize that it’s really not wise to consider moving overseas with any agency or company until I can get to a place where I’m able to consistently manage my pain. We have spent the past year begging the Lord for healing so that we can pursue career missions. I have been anointed with oil, and prayed over by our pastors. Countless friends and family have stood beside us to pray for healing in order that we may be sent out to areas where there is little Gospel witness. I’ve tried multiple traditional and non-traditional methods to attack my condition from all angles. We know God can heal and does heal but right now He has chosen not to for some profound reason. He may heal me tomorrow. Or He may never. The reality that our long-term missions plans is taking a turn in a different direction has been a painful shift in our thinking.

God is kind to have given us time in the school of disappointment prior to this news. Memories have flooded me over the past two months back to lessons formerly learned. I can remember the spring of 2009 driving home from Nashville sobbing beside my hubby with an empty car seat safely secured behind us as we grieved our failed adoption. After breaking down the nursery and attempting to return the baby items we had purchased for the little guy we thought we were bringing home, we had to get away. Like, far away where our cell phones didn’t have reception. So we did what any sensible person would do in such situations and ran for the border- to Canada :) Standing on the “Maid in the Midst” boat underneath the roar of Niagara Falls, God did something profound in my heart in the midst of that deep pain and disappointment. He spoke peace, and comfort, and assurance from
Psalm 93:3-4:“The seas have lifted up, O LORD, the seas have lifted up their voice; the seas have lifted up their pounding waves. Mightier than the thunder of the great waters, mightier than the breakers of the sea- the LORD on high is mighty.”

And as I have remembered that time, I am reminded that once again God on high is mightier than this current storm in our souls and that He is with us. He is walking beside us in our disappointment with a comfort and peace that surpasses understanding.

Another glimpse into past lessons learned reminds me that through the disappointment of infertility God did something far more beautiful in the life of our family than I could ever have dreamed. Adoption wasn’t plan “B” for us. It was... always... in the heart of God. His good and perfect plan for our family. As I contemplate that, I’m reminded that this current loss of a career missions dream is no different. This wasn’t plan “B” for us. He is sovereignly working out something beautiful for our future that we just can’t understand right now just as He worked infertility for our good by allowing us to adopt our two beautiful children from Ethiopia.

I have to confess the past two months have been pretty up and down emotionally. One day we’re thrilled for what God has next and excited to see what doors He opens up. The next moment, we are so deeply saddened and burdened to not be able to be on the front lines of ministry that we just want to cry. Other days there’s just numbness to the whole thing and a desire to just block out the pain and not even think about it. There is a proper time to grieve, and to be sad over lost dreams. We don’t have to walk around with a stiff upper lip to the sorrows that beset us in life. We can pour out our hearts to God and others by keeping it real. And He promises to comfort. And then- you gotta move on. To a place where you live out hope on the steadfast promises of God even when your circumstances confound you.

My heart WANTS to hold to His promises when my emotions and the world and Satan tell me to despair. I long to fight the fears that lie ahead and the doubts inside that say nothing good can come from this. I want to be steadfast in hope in the midst of disappointment even when my weepy heart just wants to eat chocolate and wallow in sadness. God is not ripping us off. So when I get those feelings, Lord, help me to remember....

#1-God is good. He is absolutely, unequivocally working on behalf of the good of His children. ALWAYS.

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

#2- God is wise. He sees the end from the beginning and there is no telling what He is protecting us (and you!) from when he says “no” to the things we so deeply desire.

“Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!” Romans 11:33

#3- God is sovereign. He gives, and He takes away. He opens the womb and He closes it. He appoints men to ministry positions and He denies them. He opens doors for jobs and He shuts them. He sustains life and He takes it. He lets adoptions go through and He allows others to fail. And all of this stems from His amazing love for us.

“John answered, “A person cannot receive even one thing unless it is given him from heaven.” John 3:27

#4- God is our Redeemer. When we look at Scripture and the ways He has on countless occasions turned painful situations for the good of His children (ie: Abraham, Joseph, Daniel, Moses, Paul), how can we not trust He will do likewise in our own lives? Our little Ethiopian miracles remind me everyday that He is a redeeming God. I don’t understand how He’s going to work my physical trials and our loss of dreams for our good but I’m banking my hope that He will redeem this sorrow because He says He will.

“O Israel, hope in the Lord! For with the Lord there is steadfast love, and with him is plentiful redemption. And he will redeem Israel from all his iniquities.” Psalm 130:7-8

#5- God is our Refiner. He loves us too much to leave us as we are. He knows exactly what it will take to bring His children to deeper places of trust and reliance on Him. He uses all of our disappointments in life to bring out what is truly deep in our hearts. The good, the bad, and the ugly. He wants to purify us, and our holiness is His pursuit far above our physical happiness.

“Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness.” Hebrews 12:10

#6- Christ is our identity. On days when my body aches and I physically can’t do all that I long to, this truth brings me so much hope. I could never do enough good to outweigh my bad. Never. I was a slave to sin and separated from God because of my rebellion. Christ took all of my sin and shame on the cross, so that I can have a right relationship with Him forever. So that I can love Him and commune with Him, and be near Him for all eternity. My identity is not in the titles I do or do not hold such as “mother”, “wife”, “missionary”, or “teacher” but in my ultimate standing as “child of God”!

“See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are.” 1 John 3:1

#7- God is our hope. I’m sure this will not be the last time in life that we will walk through seasons of grief and disappointment. If all of our hope was placed on our dreams we would be sorely disappointed. Over, and over again. Material possessions, and plans, and dreams cannot be the source of our joy, satisfaction, and trust. Our relationship with Christ and the knowledge of His true and steadfast character is THE only thing in this fallen world that will give us lasting hope. All other cisterns will run dry and disappoint.

“O Israel, hope in the Lord! For with the Lord there is steadfast love, and with him is plentiful redemption.” Psalm 130:7

Thank you Lord that you indeed are a good, wise, sovereign, redeeming, refining God of hope in whom we can place all of our trust. Thank you that indeed goodness and mercy are following us as your children all the days of our lives even when our circumstances confound us (Psalm 23:6). Thank you that though we walk dimly here on earth in the midst of a thousand perplexing “whys” you will one day make all wrong right and reveal to us your infinite wisdom in how you shaped our circumstances to protect us and to make us more like You. Thank you that you are a good God; worthy of our trust and of our very lives. Help us to honor you in this new season of change, Lord and to bank all of our hopes on You.

A "Senless Tragedy"? Thoughts on the Boston Marathon Bombings

noreply@blogger.com (Purpose of Pain) — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 21:49:00 +0000

Over the last several days I have noticed while reading the news coverage of the Boston Marathon bombings that took place this past Monday that the most common phrase used to describe this event is "senseless tragedy". From President Obama (who called it a senseless loss in his initial statement) to former presidential candidate Mitt Romney's son to a former NFL football player to even Pope Francis.

What happened in Boston was tragic. Tragic to those involved, to those watching on television, and to all of us as our eyes are opened (once again) to the wickedness of the world in which we live.

But were the bombings senseless?

Did they have no meaning or purpose? Was it just a random act of fate?

Obviously the bombings were not senseless to those carrying out the attack. No matter how illogical their motive might be to us, there was a purpose to the bombers. But more importantly we know that the bombings were not pointless to God, even though we may not understand "why". Whether God ordains an event or permits it, He is still in control and He has a plan.

The Bible tells us over and over that nothing happens arbitrarily, even the most disastrous events are not out of God's control (Isaiah 45:7). Even the roll of a dice when I am playing a game with my daughter is determined by God (Proverbs 16:33). The people who were running in the Boston Marathon or on the sidelines were not there randomly. Where we live and where we travel on a daily basis does not happen by chance (Acts 17:24-28). We make plans every day, but the Lord directs our steps (Proverbs 16:9). We know that God can do ANYTHING. He can take one of his biggest persecutors of His church and turn them into a missionary (Acts 9), and He can even stay the hand of a bomber (Daniel 4:35). No purpose of His can be thwarted (Job 42:2). And God often uses seemingly evil acts to bring about His good purposes (Genesis 50:20).

Randy Alcorn said in his book "If God is Good Why Do We Hurt" (a short booklet based off his larger work, "If God is Good: Faith in the Midst of Suffering and Evil."),

"We sometimes view the intense suffering caused by such horrible evil as being totally pointless. But our failure to see the point in extreme suffering doesn't prove there is no point. ....The Bible indicates that God will not permit anything to happen that he can't use to bring ultimate good to his people and to glorify himself. ...On the cross Jesus suffered the worst pain in history. Yet that event will forever remain at the center of our worship and wonder. If God used the most terrible event in history for eternal good, might he not use less terrible events in our lives for eternal good?" (p. 46-47)

Telling a victim of the Boston Marathon bombing that their family member died of a "senseless tragedy" offers absolutely no hope to the suffering. My pain doesn't make sense. We will probably never understand exactly what caused my pain to begin and why I have to continue to suffer, but to tell me my pain is senseless only leaves me angered and discouraged.

This is why our words are so important when comforting the suffering. We don't have to understand the "whys" to give hope to the hurting. We just have to trust that the one who upholds the universe by the word of his power (Hebrews 1:3) ordained every one our days before even one of them came to be (Psalm 139:16), and know that He is working all things together for good (Romans 8:28).

The kind people at Eternal Perspective Ministries have given me some copies of Randy Alcorn's "If God is Good Why Do We Hurt?" ~~I would LOVE to give away 3 copies of this great booklet~~. I keep it close to my bed and pull it out for quick reference in times of discouragement or despondence. It never fails to encourage me to trust our Sovereign God.

UPDATE: GIVEAWAY CLOSED

The first three people to leave a comment on this post will receive a copy of this great resource. After leaving a comment, please email me at purposeofpain (at) gmail (dot) com and send me your mailing address.

May we continue to strive to trust our loving God and find hope in His purposeful providence in this fallen world.

Tasty Tuesday: Easy Fried Rice

noreply@blogger.com (Purpose of Pain) — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 02:48:00 +0000

When I saw this recipe I immediately added it to my list of recipes to try. It's ethnic food and it's easy - two of my favorite things. We liked it so much I've already made it twice in one week! :) I don't usually duplicate meals that frequently, but I needed a quick lunch for my husband after he had spent all morning mowing the yard (that was quickly becoming a jungle!) and was headed to work 2nd shift. My 3 year old wants to eat peanut butter and jelly every day (who can blame her?!), but thankfully she seems to liked this well enough to eat a decent size portion. She eats vegetables pretty well compared to most kids and she loves eggs!

I did make a couple of changes to the original recipe due to my taste preferences and available ingredients.

Easy Fried Rice

About 1.5-2 cups cooked brown rice
1 T of olive or coconut oil
1/2 medium onion diced
2 cloves of garlic minced
1/4 tsp ground ginger
16-20 oz frozen veggies (I just used a mixture of things I had on hand)
2 eggs
black pepper to taste (you may need salt, but I find soy sauce to be salty enough for me)
1/4 cup soy sauce - Gluten Free, Organic, Reduced Sodium (I never knew there was gluten in soy sauce....that stuff is EVERYWHERE!)

* You may need more soy sauce, I'm not big on it so 1/4 cup is plenty for me.

In a large pan, heat the oil over medium-high heat.
Add the onion and cook while stirring for 1½ to 2 minutes. Stir in the garlic and ginger and cook for another 30 seconds.
Pour the frozen veggies into the pan and cook while stirring for around 5 minutes (depending on how crunchy you like your veggies).
Using a spatula push the veggie mixture to one side of the wok. Drop in the 2 raw eggs on the other side and let them cook for 1 to 2 minutes before flipping and then stirring the entire mixture together.
Once the eggs are fully cooked add the soy sauce, and rice to wok. Mix together thoroughly, serve warm.

A quick, healthy, and CHEAP meal! Just the way I like it.

What new recipe(s) are you trying this week?

Chronic Illness and the Fears of Facebook

noreply@blogger.com (Purpose of Pain) — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 22:14:00 +0000

I recently read this article about social media and the temptation to be envious of the lives of others. As one with chronic illness, it's easy to find my heart discontent after scrolling through a few status updates on Facebook. But the truth is pictures, tweets, and status updates are not REAL life, are they?No one can see the hurt and pain behind those snapshots on beach, but unfortunately that does not mean it's not there.

Ironically, when I first began to have debilitating pain, I remember seeing a picture of my beautiful college friend on Facebook. I thought to myself, "She is so lucky, her life is so easy." I hadn't spoken to her in several months, so my thoughts were based solely on how happy she looked in her pictures. I soon found out that my friend was actually miserable and her marriage was falling a part.

I knew that my outside appearance didn't justify the pain I was experiencing, yet I held my friends on Facebook to a higher standard. And I still catch myself doing it now from time to time.

Because I know I am tempted to judge someone based on what I see on social media, I feel I have to be so careful what I post about myself. Afterall, what will someone think if they see pictures of me smiling on a vacation? Without talking to me they will likely think I'm feeling better (if they even know I'm ill at all!).

And it's not just social media. I find myself worried about taking a short walk outside if I feel up to it. I don't want people to see me driving by and think, "She looks fine to me, what's wrong with her anyway!" I want to hide from people when I see them out while I'm shopping. I dread the questions and I feel they must be thinking, "Well, if she can shop, surely she can work." As if a pain filled trip to Target compares to a 12+ hour labor intensive nursing shift! Sadly, when living with chronic pain one must learn to do just that live as best they can in pain.

I enjoy seeing pictures of old friends' children and keeping up with people I would have lost contact with through the years, if not for social media, but I do not like the way it makes me worry about what others think of me and the jealously I often feel when secretly peering into the lives of others. I want to live my life without worrying what other people think about me all the time, but it's a challenge. And I think social media has only made it worse honestly. Sometimes I think I will deactivate my social media accounts, but chronic illness isolates me so much from the world already it is difficult to remove the primary way I communicate with others when pain often keeps me at home.

I have met many wonderful people also struggling with chronic pain via social media and this blog. And I am thankful for that community, but let's be honest, true community happens primarily in real life. My 400 Facebook friends can a smiling picture of me with my Sunday School class as we gathered for the 6+ hour intensive Secret Church a few weeks ago, but they cannot see that I had to lay on an air mattress in order to participate and even then I wasn't without pain.

Whether we like it or not technology is our future, and although it has it's weaknesses, it's not really the problem. The problem is our hearts. They are desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9). Our hearts long for what we don't have and think up evil thoughts about others. Our hearts worry instead of living in the freedom we have in Christ (Romans 8:1). Our hearts look for entertainment online instead of seeking first the Kingdom of God (Matthew 6:33).

I cannot control the thoughts of others, but I can control my own thoughts (by the grace of God) and I can use discretion when posting pictures and information on social media sites. I can entrust my worries and fears to God who judges justly (1 Peter 2:23). And most importantly I can strive to build real open and honest community amongst the people I live.

How do you handle the challenges of chronic invisible illness and social media?

3 Month Hip Surgery Update

noreply@blogger.com (Purpose of Pain) — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 13:57:00 +0000

I'm 3 months post-op from my left FAI/labral hip tear repair. I wish I had good news to report - that overall my pain levels are lower and I am functioning better - but I don't. While this last month I have become a little more mobile (than I was at 2 months) and I am able to lie on my surgical side better and getting down on the floor/squatting is a little easier. I am not noticeably better overall. I am still struggling with my range of motion (which didn't really improve from my 1 month to 2 month post-op appointment) and internal/external rotation (especially external).

My hip pain was really a minimal part of my overall pain, and I knew that going into the surgery. Yet others with similar pain and history to mine had received relief of symptoms so I was hopeful I too would gain a better quality of life.

It is still possible I could see overall relief from this surgery as the normal healing time is up to one year, but it is discouraging that I am still dealing with so much muscle dysfunction (tightness, pain, and compensation) at 3 months out. No amount of heat, massage, or therapy seems to help. My worst areas are my abdomen (my psoas and rectus abdominus muscles), my low back (quadratus lumborum muscle), and my thoracic area gets very "locked up" feeling making even standing difficult at times. My surgeon tighted the hip joint capsule during surgery due to my ligament laxity and sometimes I wonder if my increased abdominal/low back pain could be due to that.

The last 6 weeks I have been trying a new more alternative therapy locally called myofascial release. It is a gentle "hands-on" therapy which involves long stretches and releases. I do feel better after each session, but it is very short lived (30 minutes to 4 hours of a little relief) and it doesn't really address my sitting pain. So I am not sure how long to continue this therapy.

It's disappointing that I can't seem to find a way to better manage my pain and improve my quality of life, but I press on knowing I have much to live and be grateful for. Though God's ways are not my ways and I struggle to understand "why", I hold to what I know is true: God is good and He is sovereign. This is all any of us know, and it's really all we need.

I continue to appreciate your prayers:

Today we are leaving to visit out of town family and on the way back we will see my surgeon/therapists for a follow-up. Traveling is extremely difficult for me, but God in His providence provided a mini-van for us this past December after my husband was in a car wreck that was not his fault. This allows me to lie down while traveling and my daughter can come with us since she can sit in her car seat! Please pray my pain levels will be tolerable during our time away and that my surgeon/therapists will have some insight to help me work through some of the abdominal pain especially as it really makes me feel nauseated at times and nothing seems to help relieve it.

My husband has interviewed for a promotion with his company. If he does not get this promotion he will get demoted and his pay will decrease. Please pray that God will grant him this promotion as we could not make it financially on any less money (we already have to dip into our savings each year).

Next month I have my disability case hearing. I have already been denied twice and this time I will appear before a judge with an attorney to plead my case. Please pray that the judge will have compassion and empathy for my situation and believe that I am truly disabled and in pain.

Continue to pray that God would help me find a way to manage my pain (or even better that He would heal me!). Also pray that He would give us wisdom to know what to do about treatment options/therapies.

Please pray that we would persevere and not lose heart. Pray that we would seek God even though it is discouraging, and it sometimes feels like He is not at work.

Thank you for continuing to journey with me. I am truly grateful for the prayers and support.

Tasty Tuesday: Grain free/Dairy Free Fish Sticks

noreply@blogger.com (Purpose of Pain) — Wed, 27 Mar 2013 03:22:00 +0000

My friend, Tara, over at We Got Real posted a great recipe for Grain Free/Dairy Free Fish Sticks that I tried out recently and thought I'd share.

Photo Source

I'm trying to incorporate more fish into our diet. I've never bought fresh wild caught fish before, but I sure know why people do now! I bought cod to make this recipe and it was so good, definitely better than frozen and it didn't taste "fishy" at all! Unfortuantely, it was a bit pricey for our normal food budget, but it was definitely a nice treat. This was also my first time cooking with almond flour and I really liked the taste of it! My daughter and husband loved it as well.

It was such a simple recipe. All it took was some fish, eggs, almond flour, seat salt, and coconut oil! It's almost too easy to call it a recipe :)

Check out the original recipe here and be sure to browse through all the other great recipes and posts over at We Got Real. Tara, is a wealth of knowledge when it comes to real food and healthy living!

Also, I'm now on Pinterest! So feel free to follow me, and if you see a recipe you like or a post that encourages you feel free to pin it for future reference.

Preparing For Easter

noreply@blogger.com (Purpose of Pain) — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 01:18:00 +0000

It's hard to believe today is Palm Sunday and Easter is only one week away. It still very much feels like winter here, but as I learned during my time in Africa, we Americans associate holidays entirely too much with the weather!

This past Thanksgiving and Christmas I wanted to become more intentional about instilling tradition in my daughter and helping our family prepare for the holidays while focusing our hearts toward the reason for the holiday. I think it's even more important with chronic illness to ensure our focus is on Christ as the daily struggles of pain and disability can drag us down. When you feel so bad you can't get out of bed and partake in the celebrations it's easy to become cynical about holidays. It often doesn't feel like we have much to celebrate. But at Easter we celebrate the most important event in history--our Savior, Jesus, paid the penalty for our sins and rose from the dead so that we can have hope for this life and more importantly for the life to come; a life without suffering that will never end!

This year we have found several ways to focus on the Easter celebration with our daughter, who is 3.5 years old. Including this 40 day devotional and this 28 day devotional that our church provided each family with children for free this year. But my favorite is the felt banner by heart FELT truths. I made my own Christmas Advent Felt Calendar using the FREE instructions/printable from heart FELT truths, but I ordered the Easter Banner DIY Kit this year to save time.

This Banner has daily devotional readings from Palm Sunday to Easter and each day my daughter can put one or two felt pieces on the board that correspond with the passage of scripture. It is a really well made product and my daughter is super excited about it. She keeps asking "where is Jesus?" I haven't told her yet about the actual nails she will put in the cross and Jesus' "body" that will be placed in the tomb on Good Friday (pictured below in the open tomb).

On Good Friday a black piece of fabric is pulled over the banner.And then on Easter Sunday, Jesus' "body" is removed from the tomb and my daughter will wake up to this....

If you have a few minutes and some felt and craft glue you can make a banner like this yourself (even without the fancy tomb/dowel rod, kids will think it's great!), thanks to heart FELT truths' FREE symbols/instructions that can be downloaded from their website. But if that seems overwhelming, check out my friend, Suzanne Shares, where she gives another great "last minute" idea, Resurrection eggs, and even a link to a DIY option.

Maybe you're not a parent, or even if you are, I still encourage you to spend time preparing your own heart for Easter. Desiring God has a great FREE ebook for Holy Week and you can even find it on the YouVersion Bible app.

No matter how bad your circumstances are or how deep your hurt may be, you can find joy in the one who came to one day wipe away every tear and give us a hope and a future!

"For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." 1 Corinthians 1:18

How are you and your family preparing for Easter this year?

Tasty Tuesday: Spaghetti Squash

noreply@blogger.com (Purpose of Pain) — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 04:24:00 +0000

Photo Source

I can't believe that I've never cooked spaghetti squash before! It was so easy and REALLY good. My daughter, who is not a big spaghetti person, gobbled it up! This is a great way to get more veggies into your diet and it's a good gluten free option as well. Not to mention a frugal meal at .99/lb, a 2 lb squash was enough for our family of 3 with leftovers.

I based my recipe off Jackson's Spaghetti Squash but changed it up a bit for what I had on hand and to stay in line with my dietary modifications (which I'm still figuring out!). By the way, didn't Jackson look like a different person in the Biggest Loser Finale last night?!

I sauteed some mushrooms, garlic, red pepper, and onion until soft. Then I added a jar of spaghetti sauce (which was a little much for a 2 lb squash) along with a tomato and some spices (basil, oregano, etc) and simmered for about 10 minutes. I cooked the spaghetti squash in the microwave as directed by the recipe due to time restraints (though next time I'd like to cook in the oven) and voila. An easy, healthy, and inexpensive meal!

Wanting More Than God's Grace

noreply@blogger.com (Purpose of Pain) — Tue, 19 Mar 2013 03:55:00 +0000

Last week I was sick with a nasty virus/cold of some sort. I didn't eat hardly anything for 3 days and was so weak and felt so chilled that I couldn't hardly get out of bed from under my heating blanket! Praise God, I'm starting to feel like myself again, even though that self is still full of pain.

While I was suffering last week I remember thinking, "thank you God I don't feel like this all the time!" Being sick and hardly able to raise my head helps put a life of chronic pain in perspective. When I'm really down physically I often think if I can just get back to where I was before then I'll be happy. Unfortunately that's not usually the case though.

During the first two weeks of my recovery from FAI/labral hip tear surgery I was so scared I was developing CRPS or a worsening of central sensitization. I couldn't walk, my operative leg was darker and my legs were burning worse than normal. I remember praying that God would just allow me to be able to stand and walk again. I thought, with that I will be satisfied.

I am walking now and while I am not 100% back to my pre-op self, I am functioning decently for my "normal" limitations. But, guess what? I still want MORE! Yes, I'm happy and so thankful I can walk short distances again but I want to be able to walk through the grocery store without my hip feeling locked up, my sacrum burning, and that stabbing pain in my thoracic area. I want my full strength back.

Last week I heard the song, "Your Grace is Enough" by Matt Maher (you can listen to part of his story behind the song here).

Some of the lyrics:

Great is your faithfulness, oh God
You wrestle with the sinner's restless heart
You lead us by still waters and to mercy
And nothing can keep us apart

So remember your people
Remember your children
Remember your promise, oh God

Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough, for me

Then it hit me. Do I REALLY believe God's grace is enough? Or even more, am I satisfied with God's grace for me? The truth is, I have to be because that's all I'm promised in this life.

God doesn't promise our lives will be easy or go the way we desire, that we'll get the job, have children, or be healed from debilitating pain. But He does promise to give us enough grace to withstand life's hardships.

But he [the Lord] said to me [apostle Paul], "My grace is enough for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9, NET)

When it doesn't feel like His grace is enough, I am leaning too much on my own strength. Because when we look to God and ask Him for strength, He will never withhold it from His children. And His grace is enough.

O for grace to trust Him more! ("Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus")

Tasty Tuesday : A New Column and Hobby

noreply@blogger.com (Purpose of Pain) — Wed, 06 Mar 2013 05:20:00 +0000

When battling chronic pain and illness, depression, stress, and anxiety are sure to come. I love it when I go to a new PT or doctor and the new patient forms ask if I am depressed or stressed. I want to say, "What do you think?! You deal with chronic pain everyday for the last four years and see how you feel!". My depression and anxiety come in spurts and my outlook often corresponds with my pain levels, but thankfully God has given me the grace to continue to fight the good fight of faith.

The best medicine for depression and anxiety is scripture. Nothing convicts, comforts, and redirects like God speaking through His word. When I'm down and discontent the most important thing I can do is seek God and His kingdom first (Matthew 6:33) because nothing else in life will ever truly satisfy me.

But I do think it is important when dealing with a chronic health condition that has no end in sight to pursue at least one hobby, especially if you can no longer work. It may be something like reading or knitting, keeping up with current events or photography. For many of us our former hobbies are no longer possible so we've had to find new hobbies or dust the cobwebs off old ones. Often our hobbies will change depending on how our illness advances or regresses, but having something to distract from the pain and frustration of chronic illness can work wonders on one's outlook. Of course it is a constant battle (at least for me) not to spend too time on my hobbies and thereby neglect spending time with God. So as with all things in life, balance is key.

Cooking has been a hobby of mine for the last several years. I grew up with a mother and grandmother who were good cooks. Most of our meals were eaten at home and I was never underfed. I was busy during much of my formative years as a competitive swimmer and so I never took the time to learn how to cook until I left home. Then I spent 2 years in East Africa and it was there that I began to dabble in cooking, mostly from scratch, since that's all I had! When I was first married I enjoyed preparing meals for my husband and trying out recipes. I was very "health conscious" and tried to cook low fat (mostly because I was consumed with my body image) which I've since learned is not really healthy at all. Cooking is something I still enjoy, but I often find it difficult to shop for the ingredients and prepare meals. So I've resorted to a lot of freezer meals that I've prepared in advance on "better days" or that were given to me by the generosity of my church family and friends. Homemade freezer meals are not a bad option (especially compared to fast food or pre-made dinners), but I know some of what we've been eating is not the healthiest option. But then again what do you do when you're too ill to cook healthy food? It's a hard situation. Thankfully I have an amazing husband who helps out a TON in the kitchen - don't know how I'd make it without him!

During my recovery from surgery I've been researching a lot about nutrition and health. Over the years several people have asked me if I've tried diet modifications for my pain, but I was always doubtful that it would have any effect; plus it's expensive! Well, I'm learning that major diet modification is expensive, but I'm beginning to think there may be more of a correlation between diet and overall health than I realized. I'm in the process of considering some dietary changes for several reasons and I hope to post more about that in the future. But don't worry, this blog isn't going to become a food or nutrition blog (though I love reading those blogs!). My primary purpose of writing is to encourage others and suffer well to the glory of God.

I do, however, want to start a new "column" on the blog. A friend of mine posts recipes she has tried and liked on her blog on Tuesdays for a "Tasty Tuesday" post. I've been enjoying pinning lots of new recipes to try on Pinterest so I thought I'd share some of them when I try them out. Maybe one day I'll actually get to be a real cook with my own recipes to share!

Tonight menu: Spicy Quinoa Stuffed Avocados and 2 Ingredient Cookies (actually I used four: bananas, oats, unsweetened coconut, chocolate chips)

Definitely need to work on my food photography skills!

The Stuffed Avocados were REALLY good, but I LOVE Mexican food. My 3 year old even ate this (separated out into quinoa, beans, corn, chips, and mashed avocado mixed with salsa)! I opted out of the cilantro "sour cream" due to time, but would love to try that next time. This was an easy meal too and decently cheap due to avocados that I got on sale for .39 each!

The cookies were pretty good to not have any flour in them. They were a little dry so I had to scrub the cookie sheet a bit for cleanup. I'm thinking a tablespoon of coconut oil might really with this and give them some added taste and nutritional benefit. But this is a great alternative for those trying to avoid dairy, gluten (as long as your oats are gluten free), or sugar (if you omit the chocolate chips)!

What about you....what hobbies have you picked up while dealing with chronic illness? Do you find it helps you cope with your situation better?

2 Month Post-Op Hip Surgery

noreply@blogger.com (Purpose of Pain) — Mon, 04 Mar 2013 05:28:00 +0000

I'm now a little over 2 months post-op left hip scope for FAI/labral tear. This last month has gone by quickly. I'm now off all assistive walking devices (since around week 5.5 weeks) and doing most of my "normal" limited activities. I still struggle with squatting/getting down on the floor, walking more than a couple of blocks, standing for long periods, laying on my operative side (though this is slowly improving), and internal/external hip rotation. There are still occasional movements that cause me to gasp in pain, but hopefully with time and therapy these will get better.

Last week I finished an intense week of therapy out of town again. I haven't felt as much improvement as I usually do and I think that is likely due to the fact that I overloaded myself while I was there - seeing two doctors, driving back and forth almost 30 minutes to therapy (which is extremely hard for me) with sometimes multiple therapy sessions in a day - and my therapy was a little more aggressive. Sadly, I continue to have all my pre-op pain in addition to some new pain brought on from the surgery. I am trying to be patient and am praying that with time some of my old pain, especially the sitting pain, will diminish, but it seems like most of the people I have known who have had relief of their pelvic floor pain with hip surgery saw at least some improvement in pain within the first couple of months.

This past month my hip rehab has been much slower. I had a stomach virus which knocked me out for over a week and I continue to struggle to do therapy much outside of the pool without an increase in pain. I continue to have A LOT of muscle dysfunction and pain. My abdomen literally has knots in the muscles and I often feel crampy. I've tried self massage, warm baths, professional massage/manual therapy, moist heat, TENS, and stretches but nothing seems to help much. The more I am upright trying to walk around and do light work around the house and sit for short periods the more my thoracic area and lower lumbar area on the operative side screams at me. It's most likely my psoas and quadratus lumborum that are extremely spasmed from all my glute and hip weakness and sacroiliac joint instability. It literally feels like a stabbing pain around T12 (right about where my ribcage ends). I had these pains pre-op, but they are definitely intensified post-op and it is frustrating because I had them better managed I feel like back before Christmas. The hip PT feels like most of my pain is muscle related and that I have better movement through my hip, but that my muscle tightness and pain are limiting me.

It's discouraging and not what I hoped for, but I'm thankful for what I can do and am continuing to press on by the grace of God.

Praises:

I no longer have any more tingling in my foot/leg than I did pre-op, though I do continue to deal with symptoms of central nervous system sensitization, a pain syndrome causing hypersensitivity and allodynia (painful responses from non-painful stimuli).

My knee pain is much more tolerable. I still have a lot of weakness, but my knee is not subluxing or causing me to scream out in pain when I kneel down.

The areas of numbness on my thigh seem to be getting smaller though I do have some scar tissue around my surgical sites which are creating pain when trying to lay on my left side.

Prayer Requests:

I have found a local therapist which does myofascial release, a more alternative therapy. Since I have not had any real success with my other local options please pray this therapy might help me work through some of my post-op muscle pain and help me manage my overall pain better/improve my quality of life.

If it is not God's will for me to get better, please pray that I would not continue to progressively get worse. Ultimately I want to get stronger, of course, but it would be wonderful to just get to a place where I can function decently (care for my family and attend occasional social functions and church) under my limitations and I am not constantly flaring.

Pray that I would be able to get this muscle pain under better control so I can tolerate home therapy better.

Continue to pray that God would provide for our needs - spiritually, physically, and financially - and that we will trust Him no matter the answer to our prayers.

Thank you for your continued prayers and support.

Doing "Big" Things for God

noreply@blogger.com (Purpose of Pain) — Sat, 23 Feb 2013 21:31:00 +0000

As Americans we are taught from the time we are born to dream big. We are told we can accomplish anything and not to sell ourselves short. This desire to do big things often carries over into our walk with God. As followers of Jesus we want to actively serve God (which is a good thing!), and for many of us, we want to have a significant impact on the world for the kingdom of God. Baptist missionary to India, William Carey, urged others to go and share the good news of Jesus in a sermon in 1792 with the famous words, "Expect great from God and attempt great things for God".

I'm a "doer" as I've shared before and for as long as I can remember I have been involved in ministry through my church. While there are hardships that come with a life called to overseas missionary service, after spending two years in Africa, I learned there is a lot of excitement, adventure, and prestige associated with being a missionary. Some people are scared to death God might call them to leave their comforts, go live in a grass hut, and tell people about Jesus. My husband and I are scared of NOT going overseas! We loved living in another cultural context and working full-time to build relationships with people sharing the hope of Jesus. And honestly, I enjoyed the fulfillment I received from doing something worthwhile, something that felt "big", to the kingdom of God (though in reality it was actually something very small).

Unfortunately now I am the recipient of ministry more than I am the one ministering, and this is not easy to swallow. In the world of chronic pain, much of my energy is sadly focused on managing my pain and taking care of my family as best I can. Many days I feel I don't attempt anything for God, let alone something big. Sometimes I feel like if I could just see something significant for the kingdom of God come about in our family because of my pain, then I would be able to handle the suffering it has brought better.

Recently I was reading in Charles Spurgeon's Faith's Checkbook as he commented on Psalm 115:13, "He will bless those who fear the Lord, both the small and the great." Spurgeon said:

Our God has a very gracious consideration for those of small property, small talent, small influence, small weight. God careth for the small things in creation and even regards sparrows in their lighting upon the ground. Nothing is small to God, for he makes use of insignificant agents for the accomplishment of His purposes. Let the least among men seek of God a blessing upon his littleness, and he shall find his contracted sphere to be a happy one. (February 21 entry)

The truth is, none of us do can anything big for God in our own strength, but by His grace God uses us, as insignificant as we are, to accomplish His purposes. What seems insignificant to us, may be what God uses to impact His kingdom greatly.

Though I may not be able to go overseas and share the good news of Jesus because of a weak body, I can pray for earnestly for missionaries and for the needs of those living around me. I may not be able to feed the poor, but I can encourage and pray for those who do. I may not be able to lead ministries in my church, but I can send notes with scripture to those hurting in my church and community. These things feel small in comparison to what my healthy body used to do, but the same God who watches the sparrows (Matthew 10:29-31) knows me and my limitations. In fact He ordained my weakness just as He gave me the strength to live in Africa as a missionary. Oh, that I may happily serve God in my "contracted sphere" for His glory, not my conceited fulfillment of accomplishing something "big".

Another Great Blog to Check Out!

noreply@blogger.com (Purpose of Pain) — Fri, 15 Feb 2013 23:10:00 +0000

Remember my friend, "Victoria" , a young mother with chronic pain, who blessed us with several guest posts last year? She is such a gifted writer and has began blogging at Finding Joy and Peace Through Pain! She is still working on some of the pages, but she's already written some challenging posts I think you will find encouraging as she seeks to glorify God through her suffering.

If new to The Purpose of Pain be sure to check out Victoria's other posts:

When They're All Screaming!
The Selfish Guilt of Chronic Illness
Starting Things You Can't Finish (The 5th most read post of all time on The Purpose of Pain!)
Letting Others In When You Are Suffering
Chronic Pain and the Weeds of Sin

Being Honest About Anger

noreply@blogger.com (Purpose of Pain) — Wed, 06 Feb 2013 04:55:00 +0000

I feel like I've been struggling to blog substantial posts these last few months unless they are general updates about my health. Maybe it's writer's block or the fact that I struggle to find a comfortable position to type for any length of time, but I think it might be more than that.

When I began this blog over 2 years ago, I began it mostly as a way to communicate updates to my family and friends while sharing how God was growing me spiritually through my suffering with the hopes of encouraging others with chronic pain and illness. I've read lots of blogs where people share their battles with diagnosis and treatment of chronic pelvic pain, but in the end most of them seem to get at least some better.

That's really the kind of blog I wanted to have. I wanted to share about my journey with pain intertwined with devotional spiritual growth posts of how God was working all this for my good, and then evetually end on a happy note that though my life wasn't 100% "normal" anymore, I had come through the worst. I have appreciated the ministries of people like Joni Eareckson Tada and Lisa Copen of Rest Ministries, but I didn't want to be the person who lives with continued debilitating illness.

I can honestly say I am thankful for my pain. I've seen a lot of good come from it....I've grown in my faith, learned so much, met some great people, my family and friends have learned about the realities of chronic pain, my daughter is growing up to be empathetic to suffering, our marriage has been forced to focus on "the primary things", and the list goes on and on. But I feel like, "I've been there and done that". I've suffered for "a little while" and my faith has proven to be genuine (1 Peter 1:6-7), right God? So isn't it time to remove this trial from my life?

Even early into my pain journey felt like I would probably always have some chronic pain to deal with long term, but I really thought that I would eventually have a better quality of life again. Unfortuantely though my condition has just continued to decline. I may have a few weeks here and there where I am a little higher functioning, but I've continued to develop new and worsening pain as the years go on, and I am still unable to sit for more than a few minutes or do the things that most young mothers do without a second thought.

I know I am only 6 weeks post-op hip surgery. I knew going into it that recovery would be SLOW and I would not likely see overall improvement in my pain levels for several months. My hip pain from surgery continues to improve and I am beginning to get back on my feet and do a little more. But hip pain was just a very small part of my overall complex pain, with the most debilitating pain being in my pelvic floor and sacrum/low back. I was/am (depending on the day or even hour!) hopeful that the hip pain was a big piece of the massive puzzle of my pelvic pain. And maybe it is....but it's hard to believe that the two are related when I still have the same old pains I had pre-op and new pains from surgery. It's so difficult to understand how these pains are going to get better when I can't do basic strengthening for my hip without flaring up.

Lately it honestly feels like this is it. I mean, I have tried so many treatments without relief and if this surgery doesn't help, then I don't know what to do because I don't really understand what exactly is causing my pain. The last four years have been so hard. Not only are we dealing with the loss of my health, but also the loss of our dreams to serve as missionaries overseas, the frustrations of living off one low income, and living in a town we don't want to live.

And if I continue to be honest, I've been struggling with a lot of bitterness towards others because of things they have done or things that they haven't done that I want them to do. I want people to understand my struggles and care for me more. I'm frustrated that my husband has a seminary degree, but is working horrible shifts in entry-level retail management. I want to move to a bigger city so my husband can get a better job and I can have more access to medical care, but God just doesn't seem to be opening doors, and many days I am so lonely and tired of not being able to do what I want that I could scream!

Recently, my husband confronted me and said, "You aren't really bitter at these other people or frustrated because of where we live, you're mad at God." Ouch! Of course I said, "No, I'm not...you don't understand!" I'm not angry with God...I'm long past that struggle, right? But the truth is I'm not. I get angry because our circumstances are not what I want, people don't do what I want, and God doesn't answer my prayers the way that I want.

But what does God want?

Later in 1 Peter, we see some of the things God wants for His children:

"Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct," 1 Peter 1:13-15

God wants us to set our hope that on a healthy body, living in an exciting place, and an important job? No. We are to set our hope on the grace that will be brought to us when Jesus comes back to Earth to claim those who have been redeemed. And while we wait for His coming we are to be holy, imitating Jesus in our conduct, not following our sinful desires and the ways of the world.

We should not sit around with long faces thinking "woe is me" because we've been born again to a living hope in Christ Jesus (1 Peter 1:3), and this is what we rejoice in (1 Peter 1:6) even if the "little while" that we suffer is the 80+ years of our life on this Earth. That is still a "little while" in comparison to eternity! Isn't it better that I suffer if that is what it takes to make me more like Jesus so that my faith will result in faith, glory, and honor when my life on Earth is finished (1 Peter 1:7)?

I know these things are true. But let's be honest in the day in day out trenches of suffering believing these truths are not always easy. The pull of this world is hard, and I want to have my future heaven on Earth now. But even if my physical health is restored, it will eventually fail again at some point in my life, and in the meantime there will be other sufferings arise. Afterall, Jesus told us this we would have tribulations in this world (John 16:33).

I may one day get to a point where my pain is less and I can resume a more high functioning lifestyle (I sure pray that I do!), but at the same time I have to be willing to accept that life may not get better on this Earth. Being angry with God will not change my circumstances. But, rejoicing in Jesus, striving to be more like Him by His grace, and setting our hope on our future inheritence does give a life of suffering great purpose.