Purses and Poop

But I "Het" You

noreply@blogger.com (Nancy Harriet) — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 03:56:00 +0000

That is not "het" as in heterosexual- though the pronunciation is the same. Its how the Bean says "hate" - as in "mama, I het you - I won't wike you anymo'". I know its wrong to mimic my child's developmentally appropriate Elmer Fudd speech impediment- but she kind of has it coming.

The Bean hates me for many, many, many reasons. No candy for breakfast, "Mama, I het you". No television before school, "Mama, I het you". No letting her cling to my leg like a demented, rabid marsupial while I carry laundry up an down the stair, "Mama, I het you".

Boundaries are super duper fun. NOT! And yet, I persevere.

She is all about the shock of saying wretched and vile things. The poor Commander keeps using her playground approved Playworks conflict mediation interventions- to zero avail. The Bean is having none of it.

Me: "Bean why are you so mad?"

Bean: "I not mad, I mean!"

Me: "Bean, why are you mean?"

Bean: "Its fun, I wike being naughty"

About six months ago, I had worried she was a sociopath in the making, but she now appears to love animals and small babies. I kept a careful eye on her to make sure she wasn't vivisecting bugs or stabbing the cat. Imagine my shock and delight when I saw some compassion coming from her.

She is developmentally on target- the Commander was just exceptionally empathetic early on- so I had my doubts about the Bean. I am delighted she is so in love with our little one year old and younger friends.

She can clearly demonstrate compassion when it suits her. It suits her very little. She does however, possess an incredible will. Iron. Resolute. Absolute. Stunning in a child so frail and so delicate in appearance. I am enchanted by the contrast, when not choking back utter frustration.

noreply@blogger.com (Nancy Harriet) — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 22:34:00 +0000

I know, its like something out of a post modern, multi-cultural Norman Rockwell painting... I have to admit I both dread and love the mornings. I think its hilarious that one my primary motivations in going to graduate school was to secure a job that would allow me to never have an obligation before ten in the morning- and I now routinely rise at five-thirty. Best laid plans and all of that.

Just today I was thinking about how life really can and will - and in my case does- throw an infinite number of curve balls. I am so ready to have fewer opportunities for insightful life lesson and feel like it would be fantastic to not keep saying to myself, "when one door closes..." I have become the queen of utterly platitudes and homilies to myself. I am a virtual new age compendium of how to look on the bright side when life is essential a cosmic CF.

All that said, given the number of curve balls thrown my way, I am now super clear that where and when I can avoid drama I will. That said, there are ch-ch-ch-changes afoot. Its time to simplify my life... I know, I have been saying that in posts since the blog started. But I am all about the action.

Lala is Four!

noreply@blogger.com (Nancy Harriet) — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 21:37:00 +0000

LaLa Bean - Happy Birthday. Its hard to believe you are already four!

You are the miracle baby- weighing less than four pounds you came into this world with a tenacity that has proven a core element of your character. Your ferocity is astounding and balanced with a whimsy that is unprecedented. Your love animals, little babies, party dresses and candy continues to delight me.

You charm and are charmed. Happy Birthday my sweet girl.

Kh-Kh-Kh-Kharma..

noreply@blogger.com (Nancy Harriet) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 22:12:00 +0000

So, as we enter Phase Two of the Grantwriter's Relief Fund (a nod to the geniuses over at grantwriter's confidential for this term)- I am writing my fingers into bloody stumps and making ridiculous comments about "authentic stakeholder engagement", "blah, blah, blah" while secretly wondering how I ended up becoming a hoarder of glitter products and handspun yarn.

Seriously people!! I need more time to glue glitter onto things! Whats up with these 'realign the systems of care conversations' when there is shiny stuff to be had? In all seriousness, its been tough sledding so I am thrilled to have a bunch of work. Even though there is an irony in writing program descriptions that ensure that other folks have things like oral and behavioral health access and coverage- when I, my friends, have none.

Cest' La Vie.

I also have to confess to a serious parental transgression- my use of the F-bomb. As in "shut the F*&k up". I start out with the usual pap and platitudes; the mind numbingly ineffective positive discipline techniques I once taught. Oh. My. God. Kharma is such a bitch. I actually taught parenting classes and with a straight face suggested that people use a "peace table" to help their kids find 'balance' as a positive alternative to screaming "shut the F*&K up!" Ha!

I was thinking about this the other day when LaLa asked me for candy for breakfast in a breathtaking display of verbal skill that facilitated her repeating the same phrase "give me candy" approximately 1,511 times within 22 minutes. I tried the "Lala we eat foods that make us healthy" ... oh you know what, I cannot even write the stupid stuff I said- just insert the politically correct parenting script here about why three year olds' cannot have candy canes for breakfast before they head out to terrorize their Montessori preschool.

Are you done? Good. Then imagine that conversation - and I use the term conversation loosely- because it is more like having your ear next to a ringing smoke alarm than a dialogue. So imagine that sensation, while you are making lunches, feeding the dog, answering the phone, responding to urgent client emails, cleaning up breakfast dishes, filling out paperwork for the school, reviewing homework for the Commander, looking for matching kid shoes, and trying to suck down a life saving cup of coffee- all while Lala is clinging to you like a demented 35-pound marsupial.

And then it happens, "shut the F&*K up". Which causes the Commander to use her new anti-bullying intervention on me. Again, too tedious to describe, but it did make me erupt into gales of laughter as I listened with a bit of horror as Lala repeated my profanities in her Elmer Fudd accent.

noreply@blogger.com (Nancy Harriet) — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 19:22:00 +0000

Well, my friends- I am finally back. I had to take care of some significant life transitions before I could return to writing.

The mammal menagerie is down a few beings - no more husband and no more feral cat - both alive just not residing with me. Old Gray and Little Dog are holding tight- and I am for sure still kicking it with the Commander and Lala Bean.

I am still fighting the good fight to retain an adult personality - and I have yet to drink from a juice box or otherwise engage steps towards downing the kool-aid that spells the demise of adult. We survived potty training and endless puking with almost my entire wardrobe intact.

THE FOURTH PRECEPT: DEEP LISTENING AND LOVING SPEECH ---

noreply@blogger.com (Nancy Harriet) — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 03:08:00 +0000

Thich Nhat Hanh

Reconciliation is a deep practice that we can do with our listening and our mindful speech. To reconcile means to bring peace and happiness to nations, people, and members of our family. This is the work of a bodhisattva. In order to reconcile, you have to possess the art of deep listening, and you also have to master the art of loving speech. You have to refrain from aligning yourself with one party so that you are able to understand both parties. This is a difficult practice.

Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others, I vow to cultivate loving speech and deep listening in order to bring joy and happiness to others and relieve others of their suffering. Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I vow to learn to speak truthfully, with words that inspire self-confidence, joy, and hope. I am determined not to spread news that I do not know to be certain and not to criticize or condemn things of which I am not sure. I will refrain from uttering words that can cause division or discord, or that can cause the family or the community to break. I will make all efforts to reconcile and resolve all conflicts, however small.

In the Buddhist tradition, the Fourth Precept is always described as refraining from these four actions:

Not telling the truth. If it's black, you say it's white.
Exaggerating. You make something up, or describe something as more beautiful than it actually is, or as ugly when it is not so ugly.
Forked tongue. You go to one person and say one thing and then you go to another person and say the opposite.
Filthy language. You insult or abuse people.

noreply@blogger.com (Nancy Harriet) — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 22:05:00 +0000

Slowly, but surely I am settling into this fabulously giant house. Quite simply, I have never lived anywhere this big or this fabulous.

I love the sense of peace it gives me. I love the open and light spaces combined with the feeling of shelter and sanctuary. Its like living on the middle layer of a classical wedding cake- the layer that holds the promises of the spaces between.

I imagine this is what is must have been like to go from the heavy, staid, safe Romanesque architecture to the soaring promise of mid-era Gothic buildings. I love flying buttresses for the light and height they allow while creating ethereal light filled structures to safely house the meditations and prayers of those within.

noreply@blogger.com (Nancy Harriet) — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 04:33:00 +0000

noreply@blogger.com (Nancy Harriet) — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 14:51:00 +0000

I am going to post briefly here and not much at all for awhile. First off let me say - things in general are great. The kids are doing well, the house is divine, work is amazing and I am surrounded by loving friends and family. The animals and menagerie are well.

I am going to archive this blog and pull it offline soon.

Life is just too short to deal with so much bitterness and chaos - I am bummed out that I contributed to that game.

Birthday Girl and Mama

noreply@blogger.com (Nancy Harriet) — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 20:35:00 +0000

Sorry to be all cloak and dagger over here. There is stuff going on that has made me decide to keep this site secure until I can launch another anonymous site where I can post without fear of reprisal - I will keep plugging along here until that reality comes to pass.

They Say It's Your Birthday!

noreply@blogger.com (Nancy Harriet) — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 03:15:00 +0000

So, here I am until I am not. I was reading some old writing from blogs no longer online- and I used to be a good writer who wrote without fear. I want to get back to writing smart, insightful posts without trepidation and fear.

Back to the mommy stuff --

Tomorrow is the Commander's 4th birthday - OMG! I cannot believe it. She is so grown up. She is a wonderful combination of compassionate, will and whimsy. Its hard to believe she hasn't always been in my life. I miss her and Lala an unbelievable amount when they are not with me. I am super excited to celebrate my little Commander's birthday- much princess magic is going to ensue!

A Little More

noreply@blogger.com (Nancy Harriet) — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 02:40:00 +0000

Its going to take me a few days or more to get my new blog digs set up- so to those of you sweethearts who have emailed, pinged and commented - I will be back in touch.

I appreciate you reading/commenting/caring.

peace

Kicking Ass and Losing Weight

noreply@blogger.com (Nancy Harriet) — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 01:04:00 +0000

I have the very unenviable challenge of losing 12-15 pounds while building my strength and adding muscle. I may not be able to add much muscle, but build strength I will for sure! I am on a power program - that adds weight every week to get me stronger and more fabulous.

Fuck all! Its gonna be so gnarly around here as I am going to basically have to live off of 1400 calories a day worth of egg whites, chicken breasts, spinach, veggies, berries, apples and for a huge treat fat free dairy and legumes.

You know what I don't get to eat? Kettle chips and red wine!

I am pushing myself to a new level of fitness- I have gotten kind of chubby, flubby and out of shape. Well as out of shape as you can get doing Crossfit a few times a week.

So, I have added a couple of Crossfit classes a week, and now that my toe is not actively broken, running.

I need to get into fighting shape and get my ass back in the race. Half marathon season is coming up.

From Glitter to Sparkle

noreply@blogger.com (Nancy Harriet) — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 00:56:00 +0000

Yesterday, in a far desolate corner of the yard, I sprinkled a ton of glitter on hard dried earth next to the fallow compost bin. I then sent the kids out there to water the glitter promising that their efforts, if dedicated enough, would yield sparkle plants. The Commander reminded me on the way to school today that the sparkle plants should be growing. Today when they returned from school and I from work - so they grew.

Sparkle Plants

noreply@blogger.com (Nancy Harriet) — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 17:20:00 +0000

Today the Commander wanted me to turn the car around from our journey to "school"- the delectable, Montessori Model school- so we could go see how the sparkle seed were doing.

Yesterday, I told them that the glitter was the seeds to sparkle plants and let them go water the glitter to give me a few minutes off.

I am going to go plant magic wands in the backyard tonight so when they wake up they see that the fruits of their labors were not for naught.

Juxtapositions

noreply@blogger.com (Nancy Harriet) — Sat, 14 Aug 2010 23:46:00 +0000

So, first let me start with the good:

House- Amazing! Beautiful! Serene! Airy! Phenomenal! New home. - OMG I keep pinching myself to make sure I am really here.

Sleep - first time in about eight years I have slept for more than 2-3 hours at a time excepting illness. Its weird- I even took a nap without being falling down exhausted or unable to breathe- weird.

Fitness - getting back to where I want to be. Just starting to run again following the broken toe debacle which was preceded by the great asthma brouhaha times two. However, the muscle:fat ratio is moving in the right direction and I no longer flinch 100% of the time when I see my reflection or image.

Kids- doing well with the move. Ditto: dog and cat.

Friends- I am surrounded by people who love and support me. I, *finally*,really asked for help and its been a stunning outpouring of loving friends calling, visiting, tweeting, pinging, etc. I am lucky enough to be wrapped in a network that is so supportive.

Men- I am still not in the market at all. Still married. Still figuring out what it all means in terms of a future with Z-Dad, but gazooks! am I running into a lot of nice guys who have let me know that "if" or "when" I am available they want to be alerted. Its nice- I basically had given up on the whole notion a mated future sans Z-Dad - I figured I would just shrivel up into a bitter little husk like all the other single white mom's in Berkeley. Its nice to realize my that should I not be able to make a go of it with Z-Dad that there is an off chance of a hook up.

Business- much promise and I need to get off my ass and hop on top of the work. Like right now, today.

The not so good:

Feeling like things are at an impasse with Z-Dad - I cannot seem to push past doing more than being annoying, irritating and/or hurtful and offensive. I hate that. I hate that I seem to hurt someone I love with my very existence. So for now- I am just operating in denial and withdrawal. A conservative course of action.

Loving Lala

noreply@blogger.com (Nancy Harriet) — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 05:08:00 +0000

I miss my girls when they are with their dad. I cannot believe how big my little Bean has gotten.

Misc. from the Mom Front

noreply@blogger.com (Nancy Harriet) — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 01:51:00 +0000

Most random Costco moment ever-

"You have a great body, I really like it...."

Guess my new dress is a keeper.

New Bed

noreply@blogger.com (Nancy Harriet) — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 23:04:00 +0000

I bought a new bed- so symbolic, right? It was way too much money, but I love it. Cast iron, simple white distressed finish- perfection.

It allows all the light of the room to manifest and it's simplicity works with my various vintage chenille bedspreads.

Mama Love

noreply@blogger.com (Nancy Harriet) — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 04:22:00 +0000

I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that my wee Commander is about to become a 4-year old. She is a pistol. Here she is after jacking my hat and one my four inch Michael Kors wooden mules.
At the risk of going all Mommy-Blogger - I adore being a mom to her and the Bean. Its kind of miraculous getting to watch them do their thing and grow up. Today the Commander was pissed at me, rightfully so, because I was being mad around her. Comcast was fucking up my account again- and I had spent hours waiting for them to NOT SHOW UP on what was my third day off of work engaging in such an endeavor. Anyway, she let me have it for a bad attitude.

She is an engaged little person. She loves dogs, yoga, her sister, princess stuff, popcorn, running, Tom and Jerry, all things mermaid, swimming, the park, snuggling, my iPhone, her friends, surfing and my friends.

Today she taught me how to say "ommmmm" the "right" way and schooled me on the "right" position for my mudra - tyrant.

She is willful and delightful and her little being barely contains her joie de vivre. We are going to have a princess party for her and she reminds me of it several times a day, upon waking, and when she wakes in the middle of the night with a bad dream.

Last night her bad dream was about a pink snowman that went roar!

Observations

noreply@blogger.com (Nancy Harriet) — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 22:15:00 +0000

Life is odd. Seriously, strange.

I have been asked out an epic number of times in the past 72-hours. I wonder if I have the stench of divorcee desperation permeating from my pores or something?

And for the record- I am so not about dating right now, as I am still married, just living very, very separately. Not engaging, not dealing, not dating. Focusing on my girls. Focusing on grieving. Focusing on creating a new home. Focusing on work.

Its funny, these guys are all sweet without exception.

Where do they come from??? -- here and there. I am out and about- buying paint, picking up tools, getting a new bed delivered, setting up cable, trouble shooting the gas grill, the park, buying a bike trailer part.... and I meet one helpful, nice divorced guy after the next.

Its funny to me. I have never looked so haggard or been so checked out in terms of flirting.

noreply@blogger.com (Nancy Harriet) — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 05:05:00 +0000

I realized that the reason the little cottage in the back of my new house appeals to me so much is that if reminds me of the cabins from my beloved summer camp. It is to become my writing studio – the source of my income.

It too has exposed cheap planking weathered by years and season changes, acrylic paint slapped up in vivid reds, oranges and blues, and smells sweetly of old wood, dried rain, and repeatedly laundered curtains. The floor is gritty and the windows are single paned, and like those of my camp cabins, have steel frames, and open horizontally by turning a little handle.

Everytime I enter the cottage I feel the magic of those adolescent summer days in the San Juan Islands. The days where anything was possible and my identity as an artist was forged through song, poetry, meandering days of painting and creating, and mentors and inspiration at every turn. Brisk sea breezes and island time turned me into a gypsy of Nordic descent who imagined a future filled with colorful fabrics, travel adventures, and a high ceilinged house filled with light, children, love, music and friends. Each time I enter the threshold of the cottage; in the backyard of the house that is soon to be mine – I feel the cool shade and sanctuary of those ten summers I spent learning to embrace the alchemy of creating magic from paper, ink, pigment, and bristles.

Each time I enter the space- walking from a sun drenched yard into the cool calmness of the cottage it reminds me of days spent spinning and dying yarn, batiking wall hangings, binding books, and painting pictures on thick paper. It makes me yearn for the life I have left behind – the life where I worked as an artist in residence, spent dozens of hours a week painting in a drafty studio in San Francisco’s waterfront Ft. Mason complex, and never going anywhere without pigment stained hands or paint under my nails. My car seats emitted the fragrant perfume of turpentine and all my jeans and shoes had paint spatters. I spent long days working as an artist-in-residence in a hospice unit and shorter days working as an art therapist in a homeless, HIV day program in San Francisco’s Tenderloin District. I greedily used all my spare time to paint, stretch canvas, mix pigments, draw schematics for new works and apprentice in studios for artist’s whose skills I envied.

But truth be told, I don’t want to return to that life, but rather to pursue the one I imagined as my twelve year old self. The self who inhaled the sweet smell of untreated wood walls while the wind rushed through the cracks imagining and adult life imbued with the magic and community of creating bright moments of shared artmaking. The life that has me sitting in an eat-in kitchen drinking tea from vintage tea cups while my children eat breakfast and regale me with their plans for the day. The life that has me opening my doors for friends and their children to decorate cupcakes, string beads, paper mache mermaids, and to have gypsy scavenger hunts that result in sleepover with tents pitched inside the house festooned with saris and brightly colored scarves. The life that has me alternately basking in the warmth of sunbeams and the silver coolness of moonbeams; laying under the stars, and luxuriating in the feeling of well worn cotton sheets; smooth as silk and as cooling as as a loving hand on a fevered brow.

I imagined I would rise early to sit quietly and inhale deep breaths of dew laced air and to be silently grateful for the beauty that surrounded me. There was never a time where I dreamt of great riches and glamour- rather the diffuse light of old leaded glass, the bright light garnered from high ceilings, distorted mirrors casting reflections, and the comfort of handmade objects and the bright colors and soft edges of handcrafted objects and relics of artists from around the world.

I feel like this cottage may be my Narnia wardrobe – a portal to a realm of childhood fantasy realized decades later. That at anytime I might close the door and enter a world where all those dreams of creativity, serenity, and play are reality. That I will emerge from that cottage portal festooned with beads and bright shawls to sit in the yard to draw deep breaths as I plot how to turn the living room into a giant fort for a sleep over and how we can cast sugar candy into molds to make edible gems.

noreply@blogger.com (Nancy Harriet) — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 05:21:00 +0000

Time to Dig Back In

noreply@blogger.com (Nancy Harriet) — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 20:10:00 +0000

OMG. Do I ever have a lot of work- make money kind of work- to get on top of. And yet, there are epic numbers of boxes unpack and moving related chores to do around here. I hate unfinished projects - but there is really no other choice at this point.

So, to work I am headed. I love my zen office at the top of the world. Its peaceful and light. I am telling myself that this is all about balance. Time at the top of the world writing for others so that I can craft out with my kids in the cottage in the yard. Not a bad exchange.

Wrapping My Arms Around the Dream

noreply@blogger.com (Nancy Harriet) — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 23:51:00 +0000

So, I got very, very, very good news with my business. So for now- at least for a few months- I am going to wrap my arms around a giant indulgent dream.

I am going to have both an office AND and art studio.

My beloved funky cottage in the backyard, is as of today, and art studio- and let the glittering begin.

The third floor is now my office. Thanks to Crossfit, I carried an enormously heavy table up the stairs and set up my computer gear and its exactly the zen writing space I need. I am sitting under three skylights just off a little private deck. This is where I will make my nut.

Its totally silent and peaceful.

For now.