The Pursuit of Crappyness

The Kaminey Effect

2009-09-27T16:34:00.003+05:30

It became a rage for a few days.... everybody started replacing "s" with "f". You and I, and others all of us would've done the same thing, right? The more innovative, the better. Then it started settling into the subconscious, and that's when trouble brewed...

I occasionally flip the "s" to "f" nowadays, just for a bit of humor. Why not? So, "I see" becomes "I fee" and "So sad" becomes "Fo Fad". It goes on. And then came the day, when I went too far with the Kaminey thing...

I was flip-flopping in my decision to cook, and driving my sister nuts due to the flip-flop. And then, realizing how irritating I was, I said, "Yea Yea, I know.... I fuck" instead of "I suck".

Milk

2009-09-07T14:36:00.003+05:30

NOTE: For the sake of confidentiality, I will take the names of my two friends as V and N.

V is a very, very lean guy. I mean, he is so lean that he can give the size zero models a run for their money. He is so lean that.... okay, you must've got the idea.

Anyways, I don't really know why I started with that. We were studying for the RDL340 exam. That's "Technology and Community Development", if you want to know the actual name of the course.

So we were there, studying about the interactions between different orders (animal-animal, animal-plant etc.) when we came to the example of the cow. The cow is a very special animal, it's dung has a unique microbial culture which gives it special properties, and even the milk of the cow is very different than bufallo milk.

Of course, we were studying for RDL in a group, so there were a lot of side comments.

N was reciting the above part in his own particular tone...
"The cow haj certan spesal prapartiez... it's meelk is vary diffarant fram bufallo..." and then he suddenly stopped.

He turned towards V and asked, "Oi V! Tune kabhi human milk piya hai?"

V replied earnestly, "Nahin, aaj tak kabhi nahin piya."

Suddenly everyone was laughing with V giving a quizzed look to all..

N stated, lauging, "Abbe saale, tune kabhi ma ka doodh nahin piya?... No wonder tu dandi hai."

Then V understood. And spent 15 more minutes blabbering about how "that" was a totally different thing.

Cream of the Nation

2009-08-29T20:40:00.004+05:30

So we were sitting in this pretty interesting TNP (Training and Placement) Presentation, when the talk shifted to the IITD brand. Obviously, this phrase crops up that we are the "Cream of the Nation".

The presentation was going on as usual, when my friend asked me, "So what do you get when you put an IITian in the fridge for two days?"

I looked at him, and he was smiling. I smiled too, as I knew the answer, "Ice Cream."

P.S Yea, it is a high level PJ. Don't worry if you don't get it.

Problem and Solution

2009-08-18T23:32:00.003+05:30

If you are not a part of the solution, then you are the problem. Mostly, the solution is the problem. So you are a part of the problem. That effectively means you are the problem, no matter what.

Profile Descriptions

2009-08-14T10:28:00.005+05:30

"I am smart handsome Brahmin boy divorced twice - first because she lesbian & second because she not a "she". However the first marriage was shortest. Looking for short 13-year old girl to have the "sexy time". Oopsiee doopsie i cut-copy pasted this from a matrominial ad :-P Who am i really? - I.R. Baboon"

Some people have the weirdest of imaginations. But NJo, you take the cake, hands down (or up, whatever).
www.lifeintrospected.blogspot.com

Facebook

2009-08-13T23:46:00.002+05:30

There are some people we never forget, for everybody else there's facebook!

Brickbats!

2009-07-28T19:28:00.002+05:30

Yea yea, horrible attempt... click on it to appreciate it's stupidity if you want to, but i'd rather that you go n have a look at XKCD or Abstruse Goose

Irritating

2009-07-27T14:20:00.002+05:30

I can't even imagine how mind numbingly hard it will be for me to live with someone who is just like me - or exactly me. M just too irritating. :-)

When The News Reporters Use gTalk

2009-07-03T20:47:00.002+05:30

8:29 PM : Reporter working on News Headline
8:30 PM :
Anonymous: BUZZ! You there?
Reporter: Hi!
.
.
.
8:42 PM:
Anonymous: So what are the headlines for tomorrow?
Reporter: MJ DIES IN HIS SLEEP.
Anonymous: Maikalal Jaikishen?
Reporter: Heehee.
.
.
.
Next Morning 6:30 AM:

News Headline Reads:

"MJ DIES IN HIS SLEEP. HEEHEE."

Section 377 - Implications for IIT

2009-07-03T19:03:00.002+05:30

I have a distinct feeling a gay pride parade is gonna take place inside IIT Delhi. Keep a lookout. :-)

----
Cmon! M not gonna be politically correct in this place at least!

Web 2.0 Antonyms

2009-02-19T10:07:00.001+05:30

1. Ignorance - Google Search

2. Loneliness - Facebook

3. Duffer - Wikipedia

4. Silence - Twitter

Care to add some of your own??

Experimentation

2009-02-03T18:38:00.002+05:30

Both of them were looking at that off-white powdery substance in front of them. One could feel a sense of reluctance in experimenting, but there was also adventurousness lurking in their eyes. Their gaze shifted towards each other, and rested for a moment, in which they agreed that they were going through with it. They had never done it before... but wanted to know how it felt.

They wrapped up a small piece of paper in the form of a straw, and they reduced the size of the opening so that they don't take in too much of the substance. One of them reached out for the tape to hold the size of the opening, and put it over the entire length. He cut it into two parts... one for each.

Slowly, both of them bent down and positioned their straws, through which they were going to snort the substance. "At the count of three, alright?" - they were going to do it simultaneously.

"One"

"Two"

"Three"

And they both sucked air through their nose to snort the substance.
.
.
.
.
Something wasn't right. One of them was coughing badly, and the coughing didn't stop. The other rushed to his aid, "You all right??" but the guy wasn't. The other frantically poured a glass of water and gave it to his friend, and he drank, while still occasionally coughing, his eyes bloodshot, but his skin drained of it. Slowly he recovered... but it was going to be a long wait, before they both knew he was going to be okay.
.
.
.
.
After a few minutes, when it all settled down, one said to another, "Yaar, milk powder snort karne ka idea sahi nahin tha."

Room Service

2009-01-31T18:16:00.002+05:30

Now THAT'S what I call WORLD-CLASS SERVICE. :-)

AML110: Applied Mechanics

2009-01-30T13:38:00.008+05:30

There was this Professor in the Applied Mechanics Department, who took the course AML110. I will always remember him for the way in which he asked one question invariably once in every class, while we laughed at the look on his face.

"Why you loffing?"

I don't know, but after that question, he used to give his trademark peculiar smile, which sent us into fits of laughter! A picture says a thousand words, so have a look yourself at one of his. This is his way of demonstrating a concept in class. :-)

Taking his cue, there was this other professor, who was in no way better, and he was giving a similar demonstration using a piece of chalk.

The Professor said, "Suppose this chalk is rotating", and rotated the chalk.

"Now suppose, my hand is rotating", and started rotating his hand as well.

"And supposed, my body is also rotating simultaneously", and started making a cocktail of akward movements...

.... until he hit the desk, and fell down!!

He got up, pulled up his pants, and started explaining again, albeit, slowly.

Baba in Full Form

2009-01-28T16:52:00.004+05:30

So there's this guy in our department, whom everyone calls "Baba". I don't really know how he got his name, but my guess would be that it is due to his extremely unique fundas of messing with the IIT system, and of living life itself. And yes, he has a fan club consisting of his followers, also known as his Bhakts.

So one fine day, after 25 days of the semester starting, Goyalsaab a.k.a Baba decides to attend class for the first time. And that's when there exists a strict attendance rule of 75%. Leaving aside that issue, of which Baba least cares about, he went to class, as a break from the usual.

Now the class which he went to, is as notorious as the Baba himself. Known as RDL, it is one of the most nonsenseful (if that's even a word!!) courses I have ever come across. I mean, the term "uchaalna" is taken to a whole new level. In the first class... the Prof. started with asking us all about our "Shubh Sankalp", or as they say in english, New Year Resolutions. I've heard she also holds meditation sessions every morning for some time in the class. WHAT THE HELL?

So back to the class under consideration. I can assume freely that the levels of nonsense were the usual. The Prof. posed a question.

Prof: "Can you give any reason as to why there is still so much poverty in India?"

And the answer was trademark Baba.

Baba: "Laziness".

The joke would've ended there itself had it been any other class... but this was RDL... R.D.L. The Professor contemplated for a moment, and took it seriously. And then, she went up to the board, and reworded it to "Lack of Motivation"!!!

A Cruel Joke

2009-01-23T23:03:00.003+05:30

When you're sick, the best place to be is at home, with your mom. I came home early for this particular reason, giving a miss to a bonfire party (which would've surely been fun).

So yea, back home, mom asked me if I wanted Nimbu Pani.

"Nimbu Pani piyega?"

My eyes lit up at the mention of the words.

"Bilkul! Kyun Nahin?"

So I was waiting on the dining table for the cool refreshing drink to come my way, wonderfully blended, and to use a cliche hindi phrase "Maa ke haath ka."

Of course, I am a bit impatient, so I went into the kitchen. What I saw was my mom, putting Nimbu into hot water, with honey.

"Ye kya hai?", I asked.

"Nimbu Pani, aur kya? Tujhe kya laga ki thanda banaa ke doongi? Tabeeyat ke hisaab se hi milega na!", she replied.

I looked at the drink with disgust. It doesn't taste that great, you know. I was going to have a wonderful cool drink, but ended up with damn medicine. Where's justice in that? Where?

Sex Ratio

2009-01-23T20:51:00.002+05:30

Surfing the internet throws up weird things, least of all was this.

A Definition of Sex Ratio
Number of people who have sex : Number of people who don't.

I wish i'd remember where I saw this... would have been worthy to cite. I can't even manage to Google up the site now.

Pious Drunkards

2009-01-07T15:24:00.002+05:30

So we were walking down the mall road in Nainital one day, when we overheard the following conversation between two people.

One asked the other, "Chal, theke pe maththa(head) tekne chalein?"

Must say, religious drunkards indeed. Of course, religious towards alcohol. :-) :-)

The Bombay Duck

2008-12-24T10:37:00.003+05:30

I was in Goa a few days back, when we went to this place called O' Coquiero. O' Coquiero is famous for being the place where the police arrested Charles Sobhraj, and you should've heard about him for sure(if not, google it up). The place was absolutely awesome with wonderful music and more importantly, awesome food.

There were quite a few firsts over there. Firstly, and interestingly, it was the first time ever that I had an alcoholic drink in a restaurant, and it was not even with my own family, but Nimish's. I had Cashew Feni, the local liquor served in Goa, and I diluted it with Limca. Contrary to what everyone, including me, was expecting, I actually liked it.

On the other hand, we ordered quite a bit of seafood. On count we had 3 dishes - Kingfish curry, Chicken Cafreal and Bombay Duck. As I said, food was delicious. I ended up liking Bombay Duck the most, especially since it was boneless.

So now, on the next day, we went to another place to eat in the evening. The way we found that place was interesting. Aunty remembered that the place sounded something like "Duck". Slowly, she remembered it was something like Quarterduck, up and until I noticed the sign which read Quarterdeck. So from Duck, we found Quarterdeck.

We were enjoying our food until suddenly, a fun question was posed by Uncle, "How come we are not having duck at Quarterdeck?"

I quizzed him automatically, "But we had duck yesterday na?"

Uncle got a bit confused, "Did we? No, I don't think so." and Aunty and Nimish echoed what Uncle just said.

But I was pretty sure we did, and so I attempted to remember again.. "We had that dish, remember? ....What was it's name? Ah! Yea! Bombay Duck!"

The three of them looked at me in amazement and started laughing, almost instantly. It was my time to look confused. What was so funny?

Taking a moment out of the laughter, Nimish explained to me that the Bombay Duck was not a duck, but a fish!! So yea, we didn't have duck at all.

But I want to know one thing. How the hell am I supposed to know that the Bombay Duck is a fish??

Dostana

2008-12-03T22:21:00.003+05:30

It so happens sometimes, that you end up getting more than you bargained for. Well, I didn't bargain, but I did get more than what I had paid for. And the more that I got, was priceless.

So Nimish and I were watching Dostana, and were at the point where Abhishek Bachchan was trying to explain to the landlady that he and John were gay. So he started off.. and this is just a dialogue thats an approximation of what's actually said.

A: Yeh mera khaas dost hai.
L: To? Dost hai to kya hua?
A: Nahin, ye mera khaas dost hai.
...
...
...
And the conversation continued with Abhishek subtly trying various permutations and combinations, none working. John got irritated and said...

J: Hum Gay Hain!!
...

Of course, I was laughing along, coz it was a bit over the top, and yea, funny. But I was never ready for what I happened next.

A small girl (I am guessing around 4-7 years) sitting behind me asked her mom,

"Mummy gay kya hota hai?"

Her mom just shushed her, but she didnt stop... must say she wanted to know real bad.

"Batao na! Gay kya hota hai?"

I could see her mom trying desperately to get the kid to shut up. But she didnt. She screamed at the top of her voice,

"MUMMY BATAO NA! GAY KYA HOTA HAI?"

and for a moment the entire crowd was looking towards her. God I laughed so hard, and that was probably the most funny moment in the whole film. I can only imagine how embarrassing her mother must've found it. It got me thinking on various issues, and they're too serious to put down here, so I'll save a bit of space.

What I know is, recounting it all on this blog will never do it justice.
You had to be there. It was so hillarious!

King-Size

2008-10-27T21:36:00.003+05:30

This is a copy from the gtalk status put up by one of my floormates, and it holds for anyone who resides on my floor, or in my hostel, for that matter.

I have,
4 wash basins to wash my hands
3 bathrooms to take bath,
3 toilets to make myself light, and
4 corridors to have a walk anytime during the day
…aah..I am living life king-size. "

What can I say? It's true!!

P.S. This is the official position. No more comments, please.

Hot n Sexy! - Part 2

2008-10-19T12:12:00.003+05:30

I was quite accurate when I said that I dont handle compliments well... and here's proper proof.

The chat went exactly like this...

------------------------------------------------------------------
Friend: looking good in the pic....

Me: Kya?

Friend: kya hua?

Me: Itne time baad dekhi? Kabse laga rakhi hai!

Friend: nhi.... pehle bhi dekhi thi.... compliment aaj diya hai

Me: Ohkay... :-)

Friend: to late compliment accept kar le yaar!

Me: Not that m complaining. :-)

Friend: bandi ki taraf se hai... mark it :P

Me: Agar aap kahen toh frame karwa ke insti notice board pe lagaa doon! :-)

Friend: ha ha. no objections frm my side... ur call :P

Me: Eh? Kaisi bandi ho yaar! :-) Hone chahiye!

Friend: arey? mujhe kya farak padta hai? farak to tujhpar padega!

Me: Yea... people would call me downright frustoo! :-)

Friend: wahi to.... tabhi to kaha ... "ur call"

Me: My call... is baat ko yahin rafa dafa kar dete hain... You never said anything... :-)

Friend: ha ha

Me: Good Good!

Friend: bhola bacha hai tu! chal main kaam karti hun ab.... good luck. bbyee

Me: And yea... I got no comments for your photo... hope you dont mind that! :-)

Friend: ok :)
------------------------------------------------------------------

I really ain't good at it. And if I look at my nature, I dont think there is hope for improvement of any sorts. Somebody help! :-)

Observation Power

2008-10-01T23:00:00.003+05:30

I got a weird call two to three days back. One of my friends called me up when I was asleep, and yes, it woke me up. The conversation went something like this...

"Yaar mujhe ye batao, ki aap bread ko kettle mein garam kaise karte ho?"

And my reply was a question any sane person would ask... "Kya???"

"Mujhe poochna tha ki aap bread ko kettle mein garam kaise karte ho?"

It still wasn't registering. I just opened my eyes, alerted my mind a bit. Asked him once more as to what the question was. He repeated the question once more.

And then I got to the more appropriate reply... "TU KYA POOCH RAHA HAI? Kettle kahaan se??"

Then he got down to explaining... "Actually I saw bread kept close to the kettle and as you said that you warm up bread, I thought you must be using the kettle to warm it. I just wanted to know how."

And I replied, "Bread Garam karne ke liye toh mere paas toaster hai!! Itni baar room pe aaya hai, kabhi dekha nahin kya??"

The Colors of a Rainbow

2008-09-22T13:05:00.000+05:30

An IITian quizzing another IITian at the entrance of the hostel: "Kitne colors hote hain Rainbow mein?"

The other IITian replied, "Umm... Seven."

The Quizzer snapped back, "Seven nahin ch*****, Infinite. Tune JEE kaise pass kiya?"

And both of them guffawed back into the hostel, while I looked on, thoroughly amused by what I had just witnessed.

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IITians will probably laugh at this joke, while non-IITians will most probably laugh at IITians for this sort of joke. :-)

Never Fall in Love With a Mathematician

2008-09-01T13:22:00.002+05:30

WARNING: Ironically, a mathematician would be the only person who can understand this in full. You have been warned...

11 Reasons Why...

1. He will try to prove his love for you via contradiction.

2. He will conduct a probablistic analysis on certain random variables, and if the probability of you dumping him exceeds a critical value, he might dump you before you even get the chance to dump him.

3. He will attempt a brute force search for all possible link ups you may have had, or can have in the future, and grill you on each of them.

4. He will write a love letter in LaTeX, and ask you to observe the beauty of the TeX typesetting engine, and the ease with which it can represent mathematical symbols.

5. He will invoke advanced graph theory involving adjacency representations to explain why you two were meant to be together.

6. He will try and associate a difference of opinion with a differential equation and solve it to predict the result of the difference

7. He will construct an injective function going from the set of integers to the powerset of the set of flowers, so that he can decide how many flowers he can get for you in a given amount.

8. He will send you the message "I Love You" encrypted as "12DFAFGGH1fj y11gh1ghA g2g22g3g 1g2g3g34 2gt2e1egj", and will be delighted when you cannot decipher it.

9. He will consider your love to be an unconstrained optimization problem, and give you an optimal solution which he expects you to attain.

10. He will give you a blow-by-blow account of his exploits in ring theory, and how he is absolutely fascinated by it, when you ever mention the word "ring".

11. He will end up thinking of you as a complex entity, and associate you with an imaginary variable of the form a+ib, effectively making himself think that you were a figment of his imagination.

P.S. The Author would like to stress that he tries really hard not to be a Mathematician.

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I decided to Re-Post this post on "The Pursuit of Crappyness" as this is the place where it belongs.