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Think of me fondly, dear penis, before going and getting yourself a tatt of your “journeys.”

{h/t Everyday Health — I don’t know what’s stranger: this story, or that it’s categorized under “erectile dysfunction”}

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I swear that I used to know how to do this. This, being the assurance that I won’t die because of lack of essential dietary requirements and/or hunger itself. And I’m pretty sure in my former life that all of this involved a microwave. And a bottle of Jack Daniels. I lived on my own for years… how in the hell did I make it this far?

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{from Geeks are Sexy}

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Steel Hurtin’ (my team, woot!) and Blitzburgh Bombers vs. Bleeding Heartland Roller Girls

March 17, 2012 @ Romp n’ Roll (Glenshaw)
Action starts at 6.30pm

In the SCDD’s 2012 Home Opener, the Steel Hurtin’ and Blitzburgh Bombers will take on Bleeding Heartlands’ Flatliners and Code Blue Assassins, respectively. The Bleeding Heartland, formed in mid-2006, hail from Bloomington, Indiana and are ranked 13th in WFTDA’s North Central region. The SCDD are ranked 4th in the East and are sure to put up a tough fight against these mid-western rollergirls. The last time the Steel Hurtin’ and Flatliners met in May of 2010 the Hurtin’ pulled off a 194 – 48 win over the Flatliners.

Get your tickets early — season opener is sure to sell out.
Tix – $10 in advance, $15 at the door. Kids under 10 are always free.
Purchase in person at WildCard in Lawrenceville, Slackers in Southside, online at Brown Paper Tickets. Or, get in touch with me. 

Charity for the Home Opener
March is National Women in History Month, and SCDD will have Dress for Success Pittsburgh as our featured charity of the month. The league always donates a portion of bout proceeds, but we’ll also be doing a Suit Donation Drive!

DFS is in particular need of the following interview-appropriate women’s apparel (new, nearly new, and clean clothing items, please):
Skirt and pant suits
Blouses and dress shirts
Blazers and jackets
Professional shoes

Dress for Success is an organization that promotes economic independence of disadvantaged women by seeking to help them gain and retain meaningful employment. For starters, DFS helps by supplying clients with an interview suit. DFS clients are referred through many agencies including homeless shelters, immigration services, job training programs, educational institutions and domestic violence shelters.

AND if you donate an item to our suit drive, you will be entered to win 2 free tickets to any SCDD home bout of the 2012 season. Drawing to be held at that night’s game.

See yinz there!

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the week: Valentine’s Day was this week… you know, that holiday that I poo-poo’d. We kept on the tradition I started last year of having fondue (celebrated on Sunday, since Tuesday was a practice night for me). It was delicious. And reaffirms all I need is him and cheese and bread and wine and my cats to be happy forever and ever amen. The boyfriend got me a card, which happens… never. Naturally, in my current whack-a-doodle hormonal state, I cried.

He also got me this:

…which is still in mail purgatory. But, SQUEE! You know what’s better than love? Finding someone who knows you SO well.
*swoon*

Err, I meant *puke*

And then on Monday, I had cheese for dinner AGAIN. It definitely was not as delicious as the melty, dippy goodness.

I also got this month’s Foodzie box — which was the Date Night Box. It included: durum wheat Mohawk pasta, Fig & Port Vinaigrette, roasted salted pecans, Mendocino sea salt and a Port wine caramel chocolate bar.

Animals humping on that wrapper, by the way!

That chocolate bar is from Sweeteeth in Charleston, SC. Did you read that it’s filled with port wine and caramel? And I’m having it with my wine for dinner.

PS: who’s already looking forward to Anthrocon this summer?

weekend:
We’re hosting a small bottleshare gathering with some friends this weekend, which means I’ll be spending my Friday night lint-rolling every sitting surface in my house. While drinking a bottle from my new wine club delivery. And that chocolate bar.

We also have a fun Elite party to attend at Penn Brewery, courtesy of Yelp!

Which totally reminded me about that time when I told a waiter “no thanks” in response to taking home my leftover lunch by actually saying, “No. I’m having vodka for dinner.” That time was this week.

For all you pudding lovers: Saturday is the Valentine’s Day Pudding Massacre (aka: PUDDING WRESTLING). Be at Belvedere’s.

weekly reading wrap-up: Still on the same book as last week… I need to get in a few short ones this month before vacation.

seven things, seven days
1. cheese plate and giant heart-shaped red velvet cake at Sonoma Grille… with some of AB’s coworkers. I’m crashing this consultant party!
2. I painted my nails twice in two weeks. WHO AM I?
3. Turntable Kitchen was not worth the monthly subscription. Meh. Definitely sticking with Foodzie.
4. Birchbox was ridiculous this month too — not “lip tattoos” ridiculous, sadly. Regardless, I’m ready to unsubscribe.
5. Arsenal Plum Cider. Yum!
6. handwritten notes from bloggers are awesome. (thanks, Rachel!)
7. vacation countdown has begun!

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Happy Valentine’s Day to you and your penis.

{from someecards.com}

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This is the dessert you make when you no time or no talent for baking. Or a little bit of both.

Remember when society was so fucked up IN THE 90s, female students were still required to take a class that taught them about… COOKING? And sewing. Because we all know that learning German isn’t going to get you anywhere in life. So, you best put on your apron already and just shut your whore mouth.

So, in my ninth grade Home Ec class, I brought in this Valentine’s Day-inspired recipe from Seventeen magazine. And someone how my teacher agreed and put it on the schedule. WE DIDN’T HAVE TO COOK ANYTHING. (I’m pretty sure that means I win Home Ec).

Those days, I was lusting after Brett Borovic something fierce. If I had anything resembling balls, I probably would have made this cake specifically for him. But then, if I had anything resembling balls, this story would have gone in a seriously weird direction. Instead, it would be the LAST DAY of junior high school that I would finally work up the courage to talk to him — as he was waiting for his bus. All I could muster was asking him to take a picture with me… which I kept bedside for my summer pleasure. This was so far from my first crush, and I honestly don’t remember his appeal. I think, maybe, I was going through a mysterious phases — which would last until the ripe old age of 25. Fucking guys.

Oh, did I mention when asking for that picture, I was coyly sucking on a lollipop? I mean, I wouldn’t even know about blowjobs for another ten years, so even the sexual naïveté of the situation was lost on me.

But I digress — here’s the recipe for HONEY, LICK-MY-FROSTING CAKES (or something):

What you need
Sara Lee Butter Pound Cake (find that in the aisle where your nips get hard)
Frosting (pink or use food coloring… nobody wants a boring ass white frosted cake. NO ONE.)
Strawberry jelly (or grape… if you’re weird)
Knife
Heart-shaped cookie cutter (MINE IS MISSING from the move, of course. A paper cutout will work for tracing the cake.)

Allow the frozen cake to thaw… if seriously pressed for time, you can zap it for ten seconds IF YOU HAVE A MICROWAVE. I decided to throw into the warming oven for about 15 minutes since I DO NOT HAVE A MICROWAVE. DO NOT COOK THE CAKE. Remember when I said there was no cooking involved? You just need to be able to cut into it.

And when you can: cut the loaf in half. Then cut the halves in half. Each piece, cut into a heart, using either a cookie cutter (of appropriate size) or tracing with a knife around your pattern — or shit, something heart shaped if you got it! Remember actual hearts are not Valentine’s Day hearts. And vice versa.

Spread jelly in between two slices of heart cake. Stack on top of one another.

Cover the ENTIRE THING with frosting. This will be a mess because you likely have ZERO CLUE how to frost a layer cake AND the layers wil pull apart from one another. If you can’t keep these in place, use one of those thin, wooden kebab stakes. Toothpicks will be too short. Scoop a large helping of frosting onto the top of the cake and move around generously. Wipe (or lick) off the messy plate afterward.

Sprinkle with some jimmies, if you purchased that awesome jar of Funfetti frosting.

And don’t do this…

Seriously, why the fuck does this always happen.

Devour for one serious belly-aching SUGAR HIGH!

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I had a Friend Date for Billy Elliot this week, which started with drinks at Andy’s and dinner at Habitat (I give good date). The musical, I adored. Oh how I laughed and squeed! For most of the production, I was high in my seat with a goofy grin on my face — I felt as though I was discovering something AMAZING. Truly. I knew NOTHING about the musical, other than I MUST SEE IT! I also did not know that Sir Elton John is behind the beautiful music. My favorite acts were “Expressing Yourself” and “Once We Were Kings.” Although I am conflicted over liking or wincing at the “Angry Dance” act… perhaps that’s how I was supposed to feel? Billy Elliot was inspiring, heartwarming and so… BROADWAY. Side note: we had freaking fantastic seats. I’m definitely budgeting for lower level seats more often.

weekend: Chachi Plays & & the Twitterers Tetris Tournament tonight! I’m also excited for pre-gaming at Las Velas. Margaritas make both twitter and tetris more fun.

Also, I’ve been practicing.

I take my Tetris very seriously.

everybody loves you… has some weekend dinner plans for you. And your various stages of relationship status. CAT LADY APPROVED! And if you haven’t already made reservations, you’re probably fucked. Move directly to Papa John’s delivery & RedTube status.

lululemon in Shadyside is holding an All You Need is Love yoga event on Sunday:

Feb. 12, 6-7:15pm — food & fun until 8pm

Join us for the lululemon athletica Shadyside’s All You Need Is Love Yoga Event on February 12th, taught by Stacey Vespaziani, owner and instructor at South Hills Power Yoga! We’re going to have a blast with a heart-opening vinyasa flow class and a few partner poses in between. Lover is out of town? There are always alternative postures for anyone who’s flying solo that night!

weekly reading wrap-up: finished “I Don’t Care About Your Band!” — on to “About My Life And The Kept Women: A Memoir” by John Rechy (which has been sitting on my nightstand unread, since, well… since I got a nightstand). Thinking I need to make a Google Spreadsheet to track books & notes.

seven things, seven days:
1. the boyfriend went to NYC. And his hotel was overlooking Times Square. And I drooled at pictures from afar, here, in Pittsburgh. WHAT A BASTARD!
2. alas, vacation is so close I CAN SMELL THE BEIGNETS.
3. we’re next on the waiting list for our community garden plot! PS: does anyone know if you can grow sprouts in Pittsburgh?
4. have I mentioned: three cats, three vet appointments. One with a cold. Another with a chronic eye condition. Two overweight. Update: Kitty #2 lost an entire POUND! ALL THREE TERRIFIED OF THEIR CARRIERS. Oy.
5. in one week, I’ve had two phantom occurrences of things-plugged-in randomly turning on (the bedroom TV, which is on a timer & the coffee maker). Those cats are most definitely fucking with me.
6. I need to do a better job of giving directions from the passenger seat. For serious. It’s like I have a synapse missing where the bridge connects downtown to the north side. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY A METAPHOR! And also why I usually just take the bus.
7. have you visited That’s Church & donated to the kids yet? IT’S FOR THE KIDS!

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WELL ISN’T THAT A PLAYFUL METAPHOR FOR THE MALE SPECIES OF ANYTHING?

I cannot read this story, of course, because… well, mother-fucking SPIDERS. And clicking the link to the Live Science article produced the tip (heh) of a photograph of said arachnids near the top of the story. I was not about to scroll down to see dual-penised CANNIBALISTIC eight-legger in all his natural habitat glory.

Quite frankly, even thinking about this will give me nightmares for eight weeks.

PS, Mel: DON’T FUCKING GOOGLE “DETACHABLE PENIS,” HOPING TO NOT SEE A PICTURE OF A SPIDER WITH A DETACHABLE PENIS!
GAH!

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My team, the Big Bad Bowling Bunch wants to raise $600 for Big Brothers Big Sisters of Pittsburgh in the Bowl for Kids’ Sake campaign. That’s our goal — it’s TOTALLY doable, friends. And you can help.

As you might know, Big Brothers Big Sisters is an organization that CHANGES THE LIFE of kids. Through the program, a child’s life is impacted in so many ways for the better, and those positive mentorship experiences trickle down to family, school, and more importantly, through our community.

While I’m not personally a mentor, I support the Big Brothers Big Sisters organization and its volunteers (hey, our bowling team captain is one!) — and I believe the children are our future. Wait… I THOUGHT CATS WERE?! Cats AND Kids are the future. But I’m pretty sure there are more kids.

Meow, I hope you’ll help give a child the resources he or she needs to be successful. Even the smallest donation can start a kid on the path to academic achievement.

DONATE HERE

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This is my dinner…

“Pittsburgh BBQ” aka: Isaly’s Chipped Chopped Ham BBQ (by the bowl; I wasn’t feeling another sandwich… I KNOW! I checked my temperature. I’m fine.) and cucumbers soaked in vinegar.

Meat and veggie. Sorta healthy, right?

Definitely not culinary.

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It’s Friday, so here’s a cute cat picture:

Curious, this one, about EVERYTHING.

Like I am about 30 WAYS & DAYS OF MAC N’ CHEESE. Every time I think there isn’t a God…

weekend: duh, derby! Come to the Sweetheart Valentine’s Bout & Open Skate on Sunday! And if you go (and stick around for open session), I promise to hold hands with you during couples skate.

weekly reading wrap-up: Unsurprisingly (I suppose), I started reading a book about a girl who dates drunken rock stars. Or something. A guilty pleasure: I Don’t Care About Your Band (among your other professions and passions).

seven days, seven things:
1. last night’s pulled pork is tonight’s pork enchiladas, aka: our new mission of actually USING our leftovers. Have you ever had pulled pork enchiladas? You are missing out on one of the best things I ever put in my mouth.
2. New sunglasses. Word. But seriously, how many pairs of cheapies did I have to break to realize I needed to make a little investment in my eyewear. But definitely not a PRADA-size investment. I balked the shit out of the price on those things, thinking of all the ways I would break or lose them on the bus.
3. Wednesday afternoons need more mini bottles of sparkling rose.
4. WINE INFUSED WHIPPED CREAM!
5. GRAND OPENING: Station Street is now serving hot dogs again in the East End. That bahn mi dog is ALL MINE.
6. casual wine (and cheese!) tastings at Dreadnought in The Strip. This might be my new favorite thing-to-do every 1st & 3rd Friday.
7. I won the “I love you, blogs & coffee” print (that I’ve been seriously wanting for about a year now) from Rachel at It’s a Hero. My response to winning the print by Made By Girl went something like this: ASdjklds;fsadjfkl;ghadsf!!!

You, blogs and coffee. They truly are my three favorite things.

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I don’t celebrate it — and not because I’m some anti-establishment, anti-greeting card company or anti-lovey-dovey holidays… um, person — but I guess I just don’t GET it. What’s to celebrate? Date Night. Blow jobs. Maybe a vase of flowers. All the stuff you should be experiencing as one-half (or one-third, I don’t judge) of a couple on a regular basis. Not just because February 14th told you so. And if you don’t like blow jobs, well maybe then you should reconsider your relationship. THAT GOES FOR BOTH OF YOU.

You probably should start by holding hands once in a while.

And yes, you’re also probably doing it wrong.

In Ohio, I was “blessed” with having two of these romantical holidays — each anchored both ends of the calendar year. Sweetest Day made my eyes roll much more than V-Day (VD Day has probably been done before, no? Desperate Single Girls Celebration, FTW). Perhaps because of the stupidity of couples (or is it just women?) relying on false hope that limo rides to fancy restaurants in October equate love in the fullest, for all eternity and in times of ultimatums. I have mentioned before how important it is for Pennsylvanians NOT to take ownership of this inane celebration. I mean, it’s not even on the same DAY every year! Friends and coworkers, it’s even worse when a woman is not even in a relationship and her entire day of work is focused on the lasting merits of Relationship With Mystery Man X because OMG YOU WEREN’T DELIVERED 18 BALLOONS ALONG WITH A SINGING BANANA!

Because THAT GUY is a stalker. Not a boyfriend.

AB is on the same page with me, thankfully. At least about the holiday stuff. Oh, I wish I could get him on board with skipping Christmas… I’m probably not the most romantic person in the world. But this year, I might cook dinner and fuck it up JUST BECAUSE I CARE. Because when I dated a guy that EXPECTED me to gift him something just because HE did something “special” for me, well, that’s a sure way to guilt trip somebody into buying you a shit-ton of easter candy — that you will never eat — to make up for “that time” your girlfriend didn’t reciprocate a slippers-and-chocolate combo. Oh, how in the world did I stretch that relationship out as far as it did?! No blow jobs. That’s how.

And where the fuck are those slipper socks? Because I’m going to burn them in my wood stove tonight in effigy…

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No really… AMERICA WANTS TO KNOW!
Mitt Romney, tell us that it ain’t easy living with a huge penis. Because that’s the only kind of pole-arizing topic I care about.

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*sigh* And I love every minute of it.

Underwear Afternoons?

And how was YOUR afternoon?

Have you heard the awesome news of the development of the Garden Theater block in my ‘hood? I’m excited to take a tour of the Masonic Hall on Monday morning. The mayor will be there… perhaps I’ll bring Finger Spidey along for the adventure.

weekend: Friday night’s Gallery Crawl has been overshadowed by homeowner DIY. But, BUT! Boyfriend is my DD Saturday night, so I can enjoy my wine to the fullest at a friend’s Wine & Board Games party (toting along Smart Ass & my bottle of Climax)

weekly reading wrap-up: um, does People StyleWatch count?

seven days, seven things:
1. voted in as the Community Involvement Chair for Pittsburgh Young Professionals. Looking forward to this leadership position — and the opportunity to bring non-profits and PYP members together for the good of Pittsburgh (and email me if you have an upcoming potential event for our group!).
2. newly-appointed as marketing head and stepping up involvement in sponsorship committee for derby
3. raising funds for our Bowl for Kids’ Sake team, in support for BBBS Pittsburgh
4. Astroglide is awesome. The end.
5. friday morning americanos at espresso a mano — I might make this a regular habit.
6. wunderlist – yes, the boyfriend & I can now be THAT annoying couple and sync our grocery and to-do lists. NEED MORE TAMPONS, BOYFRIEND!
7. dripping faucets and leaky shut-off valves on toilets and fuck my life

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Chachi Says: Chachi Plays

And the money raised by this year’s 24-hour video game playing marathon will benefit two local causes: Toonseum, to start an art program for at-risk youth; and the Father Ryan Art Center in McKees Rocks.

Chachi Plays for Kids will be also be held at the Toonseum (7pm-7pm, Friday, February 10 to Saturday, February 11) in downtown Pittsburgh. The full gaming schedule will be announced soon on the event’s official website. I’m looking forward to being a part of the Twitterers Tetris Tournament (yep, I’m breaking out my O.G. Gameboy for practice… and kinda getting hooked on Dr. Mario again).

In Year One of Chachi Plays for Kids (which donated to the Make Room for Kids fundraiser), Anthony “Chachi” Walker raised $3,007.79 — surpassing his intended goal of $2,400. There’s no reason why he can’t meet-and-beat this year’s goal of $3,000. BUT HE NEEDS YOUR SUPPORT.

Take me to the DONATE button!

Bonus: (besides helping kids, of course) Donate $50 and get on the schedule to play Chachi in a videogame of your choice!

This year’s sponsors of the event include the Toonseum and Sorgatron Media.

Event Details
What: Chachi Plays for Kids, a 24-hour video game marathon fundraiser. A fundraiser to support Toonseum’s art programs for at-risk youth and the Father Ryan Art Center in McKees Rocks.
When: 7pm Friday, February 10, 2012 – 7pm Saturday, February 11, 2012
Where: Toonseum, 945 Liberty Avenue # 1, Pittsburgh, PA 15222

Event info and schedules can be found online at Chachi Plays or via his Twitter account (@chachiplays).

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There are five games available on these “toy-lets” — one, even, where you can challenge your neighbor to a literal pissing match.

But then, there’s this:

The curiously named “The Northern Wind, the Sun and Me” is designed to stimulate a player’s interest in the opposite sex. The aim is to blow a girl’s skirt up and reveal her underwear, with the harder the player urinating, the harder the wind blowing.

And I’m pretty sure I’ve lost all faith in technology, Japan, men… and urination.

{the telegraph} Sega launches urinal game consoles in Japan.

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DERBY IS BACK, PITTSBURGH!
Come out Sunday, February 5 (4-6:30pm) to see a roller derby battle of the heart (or lack thereof) — The Hopeless Romantics vs. The Blackhearts (ahem, that’s me) in the Sweetheart Roller Derby Valentine’s Day Intraleague Bout.

$5 admission for singles (are you ready to MINGLLLLLEEEEE?!); $8 for couples of all levels of happiness (or misery). And hey, there will be a special open skate session afterward. Stick around and skate with some of your Steel City Derby Demons.

Romp n’ Roll Skating Rink 1661 E. Sutter Rd, Glenshaw, PA 15116

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