I use the term “madness” not to mean anger, but something more like… craziness, but not in a negative way.  Or, aha, I know:  exuberance, fervour, zeal, intensity, vehemence!  But also sheer terror about how things are going to turn out.

Yeah.  That’s what I mean by madness.

There are two independent sources of madness that I’m experiencing already, both of which will change my life immensely when each comes to term.  I also expect to bring a third madness onto myself as well, sometime in all this:  the entrepreneurial career path I want to take, which I think can lead to a fascinating and well-balanced life if I do things correctly.  However, I don’t want to say more about that in this post, because it’s too early to be sure when or how it will happen, though I do need to figure that out this year as well, what with the other two madnesses being what they are.

So, I will soon be spiralling forward into my new life… and even just contemplating it all is making me dizzy.  I’ve been needing to write about this for awhile, and the start of the New Year seems like a perfect excuse to delve into it.  I also have been wanting to share my excitement and terror about these upcoming changes, and I feel that the time is finally right to do so.

Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose or paint can manage to escape the madness, melancholia, the panic and fear which is inherent in a human situation. – Graham Greene

Thesis Madness

First of all, my thesis is currently almost at the point where I can call it “almost done“. (Yes, the double “almost” was intentional.)

What this means is: I’ve recently handed in the part that I’ve been calling “Chapter 2″, which sets up the mathematical model that I’m using to describe spin-1/2 particles in the Algebra of Physical Space.  I’m not sure yet if the idea I’ve applied might actually be completely illogical nonsense, but it all seemed necessary as I was trying to set up my thesis to cover more than merely the framework of a model.

Since I’m basically out of time, I’m not sure how much beyond the framework I’m going to go, but I think I need to go a bit further than where I am.

While I do have some calculations and writing on the things I could add to my thesis framework to give it some oomph, I’m at a point where I’d need to rewrite stuff from scratch to ensure it follows smoothly from the way I set things up in Chapter 2.  The model kept changing slightly as I found more interesting ways to look at things — at least, I hope they’re interesting! — and a few times, I was pretty sure I really was going mad while working on it, if the crazy laughter was any indication.  (My twitter posts have been tagged with #thesis #madness to commemorate this state of mind.)

I’m hoping to figure out some way to wrap up this “core” part of my thesis in the upcoming week, and perhaps take another week to write up some conclusions. (A big incredulous “HAH!” is on the tip of my tongue right now, so strong is my doubt that I can do this.)  I also still need to go back and finish up the introduction (which, so far, is almost completely lacking in anything about quantum theory), and soon! I’d really like to hand everything in early enough in the upcoming semester that I can excuse myself from paying for the semester in full.  Or, alternately, perhaps I can get enough done before the semester starts for real, that maybe I can comfortably do some teaching without being in my usual panic about how to do both teaching and thesis work.

So, I’m worried that I might not be able to finish what I want to do, or, worse, that what I have done is not at all appropriate or acceptible.  Fortunately, for the most part, I’ve been able to put aside the lack of confidence and just keep moving forward… leaving me only the fear that I’ll be asked to give up on my efforts before I’m ready.

A Mad Analogy

I’d heard several sources make a comparison between writing a thesis (or dissertation) and gestating a baby.  The first time I encountered this, it was meant to be comedic… and the conclusion was that writing a dissertation is harder than having a baby.  (I’m not sure this helped my frame of mind at all, now that I look back at it.)

The second time I heard this analogy, it was meant to reassure me by pointing out that there are some things in life that cannot be rushed.  Some things simply won’t be ready until they’re ready.  But there’s a huge difference between something that will continue developing slowly whether you are paying attention or not, and something that requires your attention or else it won’t develop at all.

There is also a huge difference between something that will rarely take much longer than nine months and something that not only has no fixed due date, but which also may require scrapping parts that don’t work out, or redoing parts that are close but not close enough to what is needed to clearly explain or fully explore the idea.

Worst of all, this childbirth analogy made me worry that I was not only taking too much time out of my life to work on this damn thesis, but that I was also potentially cheating myself out of the option of having children.  I think I was 31 or 32 when this awful analogy was sprung upon me for the second time (and I’m now 33), and it saddened me to realize that I could no longer attempt to have two kids, a few years apart, before hitting that “magic age” of 35 where certain statistics suddenly start leaping higher and higher into worry-zone.  And then what if conceiving turned out to be difficult for us?  Surely, checking this earlier in life would be a better idea than waiting too much longer.

This logic did not lead me to wanting to abandon my work, or my other plans for the future, even if my originally proposed timeline for everything was turning out to be a few years off.  However, now that I’m reviewing that post from New Year’s Day of 2008, I’m realizing that it has only been four years since I made that five-year plan.  Hmmm…!   So even if I haven’t yet completed my thesis and started my business and started a family, I still have another year to cram everything in…!

Madness, multiplying

So, here’s where the story gets most interesting, or at least, more mad than ever.

I am currently just over 4 months pregnant.

(Yes, I am posting this news on my blog before mentioning it on facebook or twitter, but I expect to share the news in both of those places very soon.)

This news terrified me at first, because I knew I didn’t have time to deal with the distraction of pregnancy, not to mention morning sickness, which I had already heard was somewhat of a misnomer because it could hit at any time, or last for weeks on end.  And I had no idea what else I would go through, either.  But it was happening, and the only option I could consider was to do my best, no matter what.

What I ended up doing was probably not my best, but how I could resist researching what I needed to know about pregnancy?  I went a little research-mad for about a week, and then tapered down when I started to feel like I knew enough to get through the next few months.  I got myself back to a work level where I was balancing thesis work, teaching work, and napping (the most effective anti-nausea remedy I had found), though there were still occasional days where I was unduly distracted by what was happening to me.

All things considered, I’m not surprised I got behind in my marking, even though I did it all in less time than ever before.  I am surprised, however, by how much better I did with returning to thesis work frequently, and without too much fuss (except on a few of the really rough days, or when I was panicking the most about finishing the marking in time to return work to the students).  Perhaps I was experiencing something like the woman in this article about writing a dissertation and having a baby in the same year:

“Having a firm due date on my pregnancy helped me to work steadily on my dissertation, to push through writer’s block when a nonpregnant graduate student might turn to piles of reading or, worse, go play endless rounds of bar trivia until inspiration returned. I didn’t have time to wait to be inspired or to chase down every lead. Instead, I just sat down every day and wrote the thing. Dissertation writing was as much a part of our baby preparation as putting together the crib and choosing a name.”

Ongoing madness

Unfortunately, I still didn’t get as much done in the fall semester as I’d hoped I would, and that’s how I got to where I am now (as described in the first section of this post).  Despite how pleased I am with my work, I am not pleased that I have to ask for another extension.  I am also not pleased that I feel that my best option is to play the Pregnancy Card, even though it is true that I was unwell enough (physically, and mentally, as I’m sure the maternal madness must count for something) that it interfered with my ability to finish and defend my thesis by the end of December.

But I do have a clearer picture of where my work is going, at least, so I should be able to write a very accurate analysis of what is left to do.  I’m just nervous about things not going quite the way I expect… but, strangely, I am somehow comforted by the thought that this is a normal part of what I am experiencing, in both the thesis uncertainty and the parenthood uncertainty.  Worry is normal, especially when responsible for a child’s upbringing and well-being.  (Which brings me back to worrying about how I’m going to generate some income, which means I’m back to hoping I can get this degree done as a way to boost my credentials in my own chosen entrepreneurial field, which leads me back to worrying about my thesis…)

I also found some comfort in this article about the labours of love which compares preparing a research degree and giving birth.  (Yes, my research into the analogy comparing these things was definitely inspiring, today.)  I do believe the article is right that both of these efforts will bring great joy, no matter how much difficulty is involved in bringing them to light.  And there certainly is a sort of crazy love happening to me already, regarding both of these “projects”.

(I must digress and share the fact that I gave the baby news to my dad by texting him a message asking if he could take a look at my latest project prototype:  I sent him the almost-two-month ultrasound picture.)

Whatever the final form of both the thesis and the baby, I know I will be happy to have them existing in the world, instead of just existing within me.  Who knows what either of them might contribute to the world as a whole!

Overall, I am really intrigued to see what my new life — not to mention this brand new living being! — will end up being like!  No matter what, this is surely setting up to be an exciting year.   Happy 2012 to one and all!

EDIT:  I have written my time extension proposal without mentioning the pregnancy!  Instead, I said that I am “deeply invested in finishing by the end of this winter semester due to an upcoming time commitment that will begin in early summer of this year”.  Muhaha.

Additional note:  I have decided I won’t be mentioning anything explicitly about the pregnancy on facebook or twitter until the next ultrasound, which is on January 13th (a Friday the 13th, oooo! good thing I’m anti-superstitious and figure it’s going to be a lucky day!).  This blog post was mentioned on my facebook news feed though, and at least two people have read it and congratulated us, which I found very exciting!  I’m not sure why feedburner didn’t post to twitter, though… hmmm.  Maybe I’ll fiddle with some things and make it happen.

At the same time, I know there is also some truth to thinking I really don’t have time for certain things, because I haven’t always made the best use of time in the past and there is always a threat of returning to that horrible state of existence. I really, really, really can’t afford to do that—“I don’t have time” to waste in that way!—because there are some things I’ve gotta do (hello, thesis!) that are becoming incredibly urgent to complete.

Ugh.

I’m not enjoying this blog post at all, so far.

It’s all about suffering and bad feelings!  This doesn’t seem helpful!

Didn’t I have some great idea of why I wanted to write about this? Oh yeah, I remember now: I wanted to mention how “I don’t have time” to blog. I mean, I “shouldn’t be making time” to blog, because there are other things (hello, thesis!) that are more urgent.

But at the same time, I’d like to keep active on my blog, even if only every few months or so. And it’s been quite awhile since my last real post (aside from updating an old post and reposting it anew); it’s been more than a few months, let’s say. This “wanting to post” won’t ever become urgent on its own, so I need to make the time, but I really shouldn’t, because there are other things (hello, thesis!) that are more urgent. <Insert deep sigh here.>

So what can I do about it?

I suppose the answer must be to work on whatever is extremely urgent (hello, thesis!), but take occasional breaks to do things that are enjoyable, like this writing and other writing, and photography and artwork (for which I haven’t posted much online anywhere in the past few years because “I don’t have time” to muck around with photos), and communicating with friends and family who are important to me but they might not know this because I rarely ever say it because “I don’t have time” to have meaningful friendships– ouch! Did I just say that?!

This has gotta stop. I mean, it will stop, and I’m so close to the end (goodbye, thesis?!), I’m taking this moment to really appreciate how much I dislike this feeling of “not having time” for what I want to do.

And I really, really, really don’t want to be in the habit of pushing aside things I think I don’t have time to do, just to endure whatever it is that is most pressing.  Because hell, I should be able to enjoy everything that harnesses my skills and creativity and deep thought processes.

Hello, thesis, you can come out of the parentheses now.

And I do enjoy working on my thesis, when things are going well.  When it’s going really well, and I’m on a good roll in which everything is awesome and interesting and exciting, I even take to calling my work ”thesis madness” when I mention it on twitter.

However, here’s the kicker:  I really don’t have time to do everything that I want to pursue in my research. I’m going to have to hand in just a small part of what I wanted to do and know is possible, because I’m being told (or rather, I’ve been told a few times now) that I have exceeded the time limit. This kind of sucks, because I had such grand hopes for what I would be able to do for my thesis, and I was even hoping that there was a chance it would be so awesome, someone would convince me (and give me permission to extend my studies longer) to call it a dissertation instead. But now I don’t see this as being very possible at all.

Part of the reason this is taking so long is that I keep feeling like I can’t proceed unless I derive absolutely everything that I’m using as stepping stones through my thought processes. Another part of the problem is that I keep finding new stepping stones between the ones I saw initially, and I keep feeling like I need to completely understand each one, deriving their link to the ones that I’d already noticed. And every time I find myself going around in circles like this, I get that feeling that I “don’t have time” to be adding more to the things I’ve already considered “done”, but I know of no other way to get through what I’m trying to say without doing it how I do it.

Oh and then there was the slightly older problem that I’ve never quite felt like I knew what to do at all, until I eventually realized that there was only one way that would work for me: my way.

Oh good, my way!

“Oh good! My way! Thank you, Vizzini.
…
Which way’s my way?” – Fezzik (from The Princess Bride)

Yeah, so, not only did I have to figure out what “my way” entails, but I had to overcome the delusion that my way couldn’t possibly be the right way, because everyone else is successful when they do things in other ways… so shouldn’t I learn about how they do things?

It’s obvious now that I really shouldn’t care about how other people do things—I “don’t have time” for that! But try to tell that to a person who is just starting to realize that she might be already doing things differently from others, while she is facing the fear that ‘differently’ might also mean ‘incorrectly’—not to mention, worrying that she “doesn’t have time” to figure out her own way. After all, throughout her life of schooling, there was always a correct way, a best way, a way that is going to get better marks than if the thing is done another way.

So is it any wonder I spent so much time researching how to write a thesis (I’d link to the resources I found, but I didn’t feel satisfied by what I read and so I just kept on feeling clueless… though I did just do a search of what was out there, in case something caught my eye and reminded me of something useful I’d found, and I found an awesome article about how not to write a PhD thesis that I wish I’d read earlier)? Not to mention all the time I spent researching things like time management and self-improvement and procrastination, and making all those efforts to analyze my struggles and fight them off by harnessing brilliant epiphanies about how to be better at life.  (Heck, even through all that, I’m sure I was thinking I “don’t have time” for the depths I’m exploring but then found myself unable to pull myself out of the train of thought because it was too interesting to simply abandon!)

Noticing some things

I am coming to terms with my own ways, though. And this means a lot of interesting things, I’m noticing.

For one thing, sometimes it is best to just seize the inspiration and go ahead and do something that isn’t what I planned to do originally, because I would be upset if I missed the opportunity. Some examples:

• Photography: I can’t NOT take pictures when I see something incredible or beautiful or interesting. (I just don’t bother taking the time to share them or caption or tag them or anything else other than make sure they are automatically uploaded to folders that are sorted by date.)
• Haiku writing: if I notice an idea or thought or way of explaining something in five or seven syllables, or it can be easily turned into something with five then seven syllables, I’ll stop and brainstorm the rest of it and then post the haiku as soon as I can. Or if I get stuck, I’ll either jot it down somewhere to finish later, or just junk it. I’m getting better at going with the flow in this, which is nice.
• Journal writing: If I have an urge to do journalling, nothing can stop me. Nothing. So I always answer these urges to write, and I burst forth with oodles of words in which I analyze myself, or soothe my worries, or even just summarize how things are going. While all of these tend to be useful, the summarizing is surely the best: it helps me get perspective of where I am, and leads me into thinking about where I’m going. And once I’ve summarized, I feel the journalling urge fade away enough so that I can focus on other things.
• Tangents to my thesis: sometimes I can’t help but follow up on the ideas I have, especially when they seem to lead down particularly peculiar rabbit holes. Even if those ideas turn out to be nonsense, I can’t just pass them up without thinking about them for awhile, even if the only outcome is a scribbled note thrown onto my pile of miscellaneous thoughts.
• Learning something new and exciting about anything, anything at all! …Okay, this isn’t a great example of something I should do, but it is one of those opportunities that I do seize when it occurs to me, because who knows when it will occur to me again to look up Whatever Thing Captured My Curiosity.

Alas, sometimes my creativity and curiosity ends up pulling me all over the place, and I get so wrapped up in it that I forget to watch the time. Eventually, I notice that too many hours have passed, and I’ve screwed up what I’d expected of myself, and then dismay leads to distraction, and it all snowballs from there. At least, that’s what I think happens, and I’m still not very good at stopping it—though turning to journalling or haiku tends to help, because those things bring my attention to the struggles in a positive way.

Harnessing time, bit by bit

Another way I help myself is by simply setting a timer and actively keeping myself focused for however much time I set. I originally found this idea through FlyLady, who suggests it as a way to keep housework from becoming an insanely aggravating task.  I find totally does help me feel like I am capable of keeping up with most of the housework, most of the time, which is way better than I used to be (back when I was sure I didn’t have time to do the housework well enough to even bother doing much of it at all).

Then again, there were a few realizations that apply to housework that helped me get over this “I don’t have time for housework” feeling:

• housework never ends, and so every little bit of effort just helps make things a little better, for awhile;
• every little bit of effort helps;
• it doesn’t take much time or effort to make things a little better, and a little is often good enough;
• I actually like my home to be clean and shiny and smelling nice, so cleaning can be for me;
• the effort just needs to be applied frequently, especially if not applied for an extended duration, in order for the impact to be noticeable.

I was looking forward to applying these ideas to thesis work too, but somehow, it feels different when it is a huge task that is supposed to get smaller but never seems to do so, even when more attention is given to it. The realizations about thesis work had some similarities, but in some cases were totally different:

• the thesis is supposed to end, but it keeps getting bigger because of all the things that need to be included, which is frustrating;
• every little bit of effort doesn’t necessarily help, because some things end up needing to be removed because they are totally wrong or unhelpful;
• it does take quite a bit of time and effort to make myself feel better about where I am in my work;
• my writing can be for me, though this makes it even more disappointing when things don’t go the way I hope they will;
• effort definitely needs to be applied frequently for the impact to be noticeable.

Fortunately, the idea of using a timer still helps—and lately, I’ve been having some great success with the Pomodoro Technique, especially when I am not alone in the work sessions (thanks, L!). This is because every little bit of time spent is somehow useful, even if it involves working on an idea for hours only to realize that it can’t be a part of the final product.

What I mean is, I’ve gotta stop thinking that I don’t have time to make mistakes, because screwing up is all part of the process. Even more importantly, I’ve gotta realize that all the time I spend on my thesis is pretty much inevitable: whether it is the mistakes I make or the successes I have, it is all part of what it takes to get the ideas out of my head and onto the page.

And I’ve gotta remember that starting to work also means that there will be breaks, which are much more fulfilling than what happens when I’m resisting beginning and end up distractedly looking at whatever shiny things grab my attention. I need to remember that I DO have time for breaks, as long as they are between work sessions and they don’t get out of control.

Staying in control?!

This blog post definitely got out of control, even though I worked on it on several separate occasions. In each case, it was not a break; it was a sustained mental outburst happening in only a semi-controlled manner.

(Yes, I realize that “semi-controlled” is just another way of saying “semi-out-of-control”. And if I don’t exactly know where the line is between being in control and out of it… I’m probably not having much luck staying in control. Just sayin’.)

But it’s so hard to resist staying here and finishing it, because this line of thinking is golden, and I need to record it for posterity! NEEEEEEED TO! So what if I don’t have time to blog right now! I HAVE THINGS THAT MUST BE SAID!

Ugh, aha, there’s the guilt that accompanies that line of thinking. Conflict of priorities! Or, more precisely, it’s the fact that my true priority (hello, thesis!) is in conflict with joyous creativity and useful self-analysis… ugh.

And yet despite that reality check, here I am, writing about my thesis instead of writing my thesis. All because I was having a dilemma about the phrase “I don’t have time” that kept drifting through my way of seeing things…

Well, I also knew that this writing would help me out, because I knew I’d feel encouraged by accomplishing “at least something” that has been bothering me for long enough.  And now it’s time to step back into thesis mode, because it too has been bothering me for long enough. (By which I mean, way too long, really, but that’s not a useful way to think about it.)

Alright then! So am I ready now? IT DOESN’T MATTER! It’s GO time! Because I don’t have time for it to be any other time.

I kinda wanted to share where we’re going camping, but at the same time, I also wanted to keep it secret… so I grabbed the Google Satellite imagery from the area just to give an idea of the terrain.

I will say, though, that it’s deep in Northern Ontario, a little north of halfway between Sudbury and Timmins, but quite aways off the main highway… and the secondary highway for that matter. We take a dirt logging road, part of which can be seen at the bottom left of the image above.

And then we take to the water!! The path marked in blue traces the rivers we take to get to the tiny little lake that contains the tiny little island where we usually camp. The blue path is 10 miles exactly (according to Google), or 16 km to those of us more familiar with metric. And the whole way is absolutely stunningly beautiful…

We camped here in ‘02, ‘03, ‘04, ‘05, ‘06, not ‘07 (because we used our vacation days for our honeymoon instead), ‘08, ‘09, ’10, and we’re preparing ‘11!

I’m SO looking forward to it, I’m probably going to be tweeting and facebooking a lot about it as I’m heading up there! Be warned! :P

Yes, this is another post inspired by Shiva Nata, but no Shiva Nata is needed to understand this post, though I am going to mention some aspects of it very vaguely in order to give an example of how it has led me to understand my relationship with challenge.

Shiva Nata and its Epiphanies

The most important thing to note is that the Shiva Nata guide claims that there is a correlation between being challenged and experiencing epiphanies:  when the mind is struggling to piece together the patterns from the physical/mental workout that this Dance is, it also is more likely to piece together other information having to do with life experiences and ways of handling them.

This is partly because pretty much everything we do in life involves patterns which have become habits, and when we become aware of the many ways a pattern can be mixed up, by reversing it or changing the starting position or even doing it some new and unexpected way, we can see the same kind of opportunities to mix up our own unhelpful patterns.  Or, at very least, we start to notice the patterns themselves, thus allowing ourselves to contemplate the beginning of investigating what to do about them.

In Dance of Shiva, if we keep reiterating the same known patterns, we don’t end up learning ways to mix them up.  If we don’t get the motions wrong, our minds never have to figure out new ways of remembering how the patterns are pieced together.  The lack of challenge lets our minds relax into familiarity, so no new understanding or growth takes place.  If the mind is not changing, not learning how to observe or manipulate patterns, it can forget how to be flexible and learn and change and grow in other ways too.

So, What About Challenge?

The mind can also, I’ve found, forget that challenge can be fun.  (It can?!)  Challenge doesn’t necessarily, automatically, always have to mean ugh, stress, yuck, difficulty, yearning for it to be over.  Challenge can be a fascinating way to demonstrate ability, or a useful way to find out what else needs to be learned.  It can also bring great rewards of understanding, which I feel is a very worthy and important goal.  But I had forgotten this, and found myself wrapped up in the yuck part of challenge.

This was especially prominent in my thesis work, where all the yuck-challenge made it difficult to move forward.  However, since I’ve started challenging myself with Shiva Nata, I’ve also been finding it much easier to face the challenge of figuring out “What Happens Next” in my thesis.  Noticing that curiosity is a better starting place than panic was just one step; I still had to acknowledge that there was some fear about the challenge, and see about finding ways to assure myself that I could handle the challenge.  I think the fact that I’ve been practicing something else challenging (Shiva Nata) has helped this immensely.  However, I’m still noticing more things about myself and how I face challenges.

Challenges in Shiva Nata

For example, when I was first learning the Level 1 Shiva Nata arm sequences, I wanted to analyze the patterns in detail and learn them awesomely, so I wrote down the steps.  I eventually worked my way up to not liking practicing with the DVD, because it either went so slow that I felt unchallenged, or it went so fast I didn’t have time to think about each step.  I didn’t like messing up (that’s definitely a pattern of mine!) or having to just keep going even after making a mistake (pattern!), so I didn’t do the fast steps.  In order to increase the challenge, then, I kept expanding what I could do, even if I could still only do them slowly.

Eventually, I let myself try the Level 2 arm positions, after carefully making sure I was really good at knowing how the Level 1 arm positions flowed into one another, because Level 2 involves both of the Level 1 patterns (horizontal and vertical), doing one with each hand.  I was surprised to discover that I was remarkably good at the Level 2 arm patterns, thanks to my practice with Level 1.  However, I was resisting writing down the patterns, and I told myself it was because I wanted to make sure it remains at least a bit of a challenge… although, really, I think I was just afraid to take responsibility for knowing what to do next.  (Pattern!)

So, partly in order to not have to learn Level 2 in detail and partly because Level 2 sequences are long enough make my arms quite tired, I returned to Level 1 to see if I could find combinations of steps that could perplex me.  One thing I tried was doing leg sequence 1 followed by leg sequence 2, because the motions are similar but different enough to be confusing.  I discovered I have no problems doing these slowly and carefully, and so I tried them fast instead.  I was drastically humbled by the experience:  I probably got maybe 5% of the movements right, maybe up to 25% half right (with either the feet or arms doing the right thing).

When Screwing Up is a Good Thing

Perhaps surprisingly, I was elated by my inability.  I was not just confused and failing;  I felt incredibly, deliciously lost, and giggling madly because of it, which was extremely uplifting (since as they say, laughter is an excellent medicine).  Plus, this confusion chased away the worry that I was mastering the Dance of Shiva too quickly and getting close to running out of instructional material (yeah, I might’ve been getting a little cocky with that worry, but it was there).

Best of all, though, this challenge of doing the same stuff faster is going to encourage my mind to continue coming up with epiphanies.  Heck, starting to understand my relationship with challenge is quite an epiphany already, especially the profound fact that it is SO helpful to try and fail when looking to make progress.  Failure is a part of progress, not its opposite.  However, failure to try can definitely make progress impossible in some cases.

So, even though the challenges involved in Shiva Nata and in thesis writing are quite different, progress in both can be accelerated just by floundering forward, letting repeated trials (or edits) smooth out the difficult parts.  Just knowing that I can be okay in the face of challenge, or even in the face of fumbling up wildly, means that a challenge in itself does not invoke as much anxiety as past challenges had.

This feeling almost reminds me of my complete lack of test anxiety, back when I had classes and exams.  I used to see those as opportunities to demonstrate my knowledge, and I would sit down and face them like an absolute champ.  Then again, I pretty much was a champ because I was awesome at taking tests, since it was all about reiterating things that I already knew.  The real challenge was in learning, and — oh!  I always used to procrastinate studying, perhaps because it was the thing I found most challenging!  So this pattern isn’t new!!!

I love figuring things out. :)

I was alone in my home office, writing Chapter 83 of The Girl Who Writes Her Thesis (where Chapters 1-30 are what I call “Book One: Rising to the Challenge”, and were what I wrote for last year’s NaNoWriMo; “Book Two: The First Great Handing-in” is still in progress, and “Book Three: The Race To The End” will be starting very soon).  I was feeling physically and mentally weak at the time, kinda beating myself up a bit even as I was trying to convince myself that everything is fine, and that I just need to get writing the thesis already, dammit.

Setting up for the Strange

Then, suddenly, I detected an inner dialogue that was ready to spill out into my writing.  This is not the strange part though, because it was a direct result of being inspired by Havi Brooks (of Shiva Nata fame) and what she does on her Fluent Self blog.  She has been sharing her conversations with monsters (or whatever they may be), and providing some great guidance of how we can interact with our own monsters too.

I have tried this out a few times now, and it’s really interesting to see what kind of responses I give to things I ask of myself.  (It sort of reminds me of playing chess against myself, but it’s way more rewarding.)  However, until this recent one, I never felt much like sharing any of the conversations because they just didn’t jump out as things anyone else would find interesting.

But this conversation… well, not only did it practically demand to happen, but a few things in it caught me completely off-guard.  For one thing, I knew exactly what to call this monster the moment the conversation started.  (Meanwhile, I am ‘Girl’, as in, the Girl Who Writes Her Thesis, since that was the role I was in at the time of the conversation.)  For another surprising thing, well… let’s just say I figured out a lot, and if you want to read about how it happened, please do continue.

The Conversation Begins

Girl:  Oh, hello, my resistance to doing what must be done, to writing what must be writ.

Boo:  What? No, I’m not chasing after you, taunting you when you’re not looking, then pretending to be an innocent statue as soon as you look at me.  I mean uh… hi! uh… nothing to see here!  [Turns invisible.]

Girl:  I see what you did there: you acknowledged that it’s okay if I call you Boo, confirming my first impression of you as being like those ghosts in the Mario Bros video games. Interesting… and yet, at the same time, you also managed to sneakily distract me from looking at you too closely, by reminding me of something else I had intended to do, something which is STILL not the thing I’m trying to write about here.

Boo:  I’m still invisible. You can’t see me.

Girl:  But I know you, and I knew what you are like, but I’d like to know more about you.

Boo:  Shhhh, you’re talking to something invisible, which makes you seem crazy!

Girl:  There’s nobody here but you, me, and Tuxedo, and he already knows I’m crazy and loves me anyways.  And besides, you’re only transparent, not invisible.  I can see your outline, and I know not to run into you!

Boo:  Ah good!  So you’re afraid of me!

Girl:  All I said is that I know I should avoid you.  However, I need to talk to you, and so I’ll just have to keep my distance and try and see if you can help me figure something out.

Boo:  Oh?  Why would I help you?

Girl:  Because I have a feeling that you are just a part of me who is just as scared as I am about some things that are going on.

Boo:  I’m not ascared of anything!  I’m a BOO!  I DO THE SCARING!

Girl:  Does it work?

Boo:  Does what work?

Girl:  The scaring. Does it serve its purpose?

Boo:  It’s supposed to have a purpose?

Girl:  Sure it does.  Pretty much everything has a purpose.  So, why do you chase after me, taunting me when I’m not looking, then pretending to be invisible when I try to see you better?

Boo:  (I’m hiding again!)

Figuring Stuff Out

Girl (sighing, tired, trying not to sound exasperated):  So what do you want me to do?

Boo:  Find me! It’s a game!

Girl:  But you’re right there!  I know where you are!

Boo:  But you don’t know why-y~! Or what I’m really do-ing~!

Girl:  This is true. I guess I’m supposed to figure this out, then. Do I get any clues?

Boo:  Nope! No clues! That would give EVERYTHING away!*

Girl:  Okay, so I guess all I have to do is divine from what I know of you, anything else I can figure out.  I am on the right track already, I can tell, even if you’re not allowed to say.

The Girl looks away for a moment, and turns back in time to see Boo making a silly face.

Girl:  Hmm, so let me think more about the Boo idea. You do most of your creeping up on me when I’m not looking.  If I get past you, you turn and follow me.  I just don’t know why!

Boo:  Maybe it’s just what I do.

Girl:  AHA!  A CLUE!

Boo:  OH NO! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!

Girl:  Just kidding! I don’t know what that tells me, except that you might not necessarily want to be figured out. I also think it means you are just acting in a way that is natural for what you represent.  Some words are coming to mind… denial… avoidance… guilt… regret… but none of these are YOU.

Boo just snickers softly.

Girl (frowning, contemplating, reviewing her thoughts): The future? The past? Time itself?  Am I getting closer?

Boo:  Nope!

Girl:  So if you say I’m not getting closer, and these latest ideas are not quite the same as the previous ones either, I must be getting farther from the truth.  HEY!  Was I right about you being REGRET?

Boo:  Shit. I mean uhh… nah, I mean shit. Shit! That’s totally me! Whoa…

Girl:  So, Regret, I guess it makes sense that you like taunting me, especially when I’m not looking or when I don’t know what I’m looking at. I also see why you pretend to be invisible or even harmless when I do look at you, because you probably don’t want me to get rid of you.  Whenever I do get past you, I never can get very far away, because you keep following me forward into anything I do.  This is exactly what regret does, just because that’s its very nature… and your catchphrase of “Oh no! What have I done!” is absolutely classic!

Boo:  Yeah, I can’t believe you totally tricked me.  That’s… I was going to say “that’s mean!”, but I’m actually kind of impressed!  You didn’t even know then that you were tricking me into giving you a clue!  That’s kind of funny!  Hah!

Girl (grinning too):  I swear, it was a total accident, but I really appreciate this opportunity to get to know you better.  And you did give a little bit away by saying “Nope!” so quickly when I asked if I was getting closer, because that made me go back and look again at what I had already said.

Boo:  Yeah, I guess I know what I am regretting.  But do you know what you are regretting?

Getting to the Ouch of it all

Girl:  Um… wow, I totally don’t want to think about it, which must mean you’re trying to turn invisible on me again.  It hurts to face what I’m regretting, but I do want to try, because I want to know what we can do to make this easier.  So here goes… I’m regretting the time I’ve lost, and the fact that I’m not done yet and thus still have to spend more time (maybe a lot more time) working on my thesis…

Boo:  No no no, what about the changes you make to things?  Or [shuddering] deletions?  What about when you change your mind about how to do things?  That’s like THROWING USEFUL STUFF AWAY!  Opportunities that could turn into beautiful paragraphs!  Great ideas of how to approach the things you’re doing!  It’s like little parts of your effort are dying when you change them!  That’s where the real waste of time is!  You’re redoing stuff you’ve already done!  Just staple it together already!

Girl:  So, I’m confused… you’re slowing me down to tell me to hurry up?

Boo:  I— what?  No.  That would be silly!

Girl:  You are known for making silly faces, you know, and that doesn’t quite go with the scary idea you were trying to push on me.  Maybe you are a little contradictory yourself!  And if so, there’s nothing wrong with that!  In fact, I think it’s kinda cute!

Boo:  You’re changing the subject!  We were talking about terrible things!

Girl:  No, we were just talking about changes, particularly ones with good purposes!  Like fixing messy paragraphs to turn them into beautiful ones!  See, if we were talking about terrible things, and we were to change them so they’re not terrible, that would logically be good, right?  Anti-terrible would remove the terribleness!

Boo:  Auntie Terrible?!  I like her already!

Girl:  Hah! I like your silly ways of looking at things, because I like looking at things in a silly way too.  I bet we could do terribly silly things if we worked together on them!

Boo:  As long as you don’t turn into Auntie Silly, because she doesn’t sound fun at all.

Girl:  Well, I wouldn’t have to be anti-silly, just a silly auntie who is all sorts of awesome fun!  And I could pretend to be all serious about everything, and get all mixed up about it, and turn out even sillier because of it!

Boo (giggling):  Now this is getting terribly silly!

Girl (giggling):  PERFECT!  So now that we have silly grins on our faces, what can we do about our situation?

Boo (starting to look worried):  We have a situation?

Girl:  Wait, don’t worry, one sec, I have an idea—okay.  Now I’m wearing my shiny gold-sequined Silly Hat, so we don’t have to get TOO serious here.  In fact, let’s say worry is not allowed.

Boo (pouting):  But worry is one of my favourite tricks!

Girl:  I’m sorry, but worry makes me sad.  I’m glad to hear you say that it’s only a trick though, which must mean you really don’t mean to make me sad on purpose.

Boo:  Yeah, that’s true.  But what trick can I use instead?

Girl:  That’s a very good question.  What are you trying to achieve with the reminding me of regrets?

Boo:  I want you not to do things you will regret!

Girl:  But what if that means I don’t do anything at all? Won’t I regret that too?

Boo:  Yeah, that too!  You should regret the regrettable things you do, and regret the things you don’t do too. That’s why I reminded you about that other thing you intended to do today: so you don’t regret not doing it, the way you regret not doing it yesterday.

Girl:  Oh, okay, well that’s totally self-consistent still.  What does this have to do with resisting the work on my thesis?

Boo:  Well, you’re going to regret it when you hand it in, because you’ll finally have to face whether you have to do a whole lot more work on it even after you think it’s pretty good.

Girl:  That kinda sounds like perfectionism to me… but if it is, why can’t I just spend the time working on it instead of avoiding it?

Boo:  Because that will be a waste of time, and you’ll regret it even more if you put more time into it! You’ve already spent too much time!  You’re in time-debt!

Girl:  Ouch!  That doesn’t sound good!  I can totally see how it can seem that way, but what about the idea of a time investment?

Boo:  BOOOOOHHHHRING.

Girl:  But what if it works?  The time I’ve taken out of my life is being put into something that can give me a great return in the form of a feeling of accomplishment. And a degree.

Boo:  Worthless. Both parts.

Girl:  Well, I am not doing the project, or getting the degree for that matter, to raise my own personal worth, so sure, you’re right, it is all worthless if I don’t build on it.  But what if it’s the first big project that I practice putting my effort into, over a long period of time, and what if the practice helps my future projects go way more smoothly, and with way more fun?

Boo:  Smoothly sounds nice… but those future projects are a long way away.  There’s a lot of rough before that, and you’re going to regret ever getting into this at all.  You probably already do regret it, which might be why I’m here.

Girl:  Oh, yes, of course, that makes sense.  So that means I now know why you’re here!  You’re here because I regret the fact that I am in this situation at all.

Boo:  You make it sound so sad!

Girl:  It is sad, and I think it totally makes sense to be sad in this situation, but I would definitely much rather find ways to make the most of where I am instead of moping about it.

Boo:  Yeah, that would be better.  Writing about it probably helps!  I mean, is probably helping!

Girl (smiling): Yes, it is definitely helping, because I can look back at what we’ve discussed and figured out.

What To Do About It

Girl (continuing):  Hmm.  Okay, so part of the problem is that I am already regretting some things, and there are going to be some things happening soon that I’m going to regret setting myself up for.  I think this is true no matter what happens:  either I’m going to succeed in what I’m trying, and regret that it took so long or that it isn’t going to get as much attention as it deserves, or I’m going to fail and have to pay for my regrets for a very long time.

Boo:  Ugh, that sounds ugly, but at least it’s pretty clear what one to choose.

Girl:  Indeed.  So how can we reduce what regrets I’d have by moving forward with the thesis writing and thesis figuring out and stuff like that?  Even though moving forward will mean that I’ll have to change some things around, and sometimes even delete them—

Boo gasps, cringing.

Girl (continuing): —but I promise, I will only delete things that I know I’ve written better, or that I know is misleading or incorrect in some way.  Everything else I will save in something I will label as temporary, but it can be permanent if I don’t find another use for it.

Boo:  But but but there’s big things like organizational structures that will be destroyed if they are changed!

Girl:  But organizational systems aren’t the things themselves!  They are just the scaffolding that helps build the things!  So it’s okay if they are dismantled as we go along, because the outline of what they were will still be present in the final product.  Plus, if I write about what happens as the process moves forward, none of the scaffolding will be forgotten, and none of the time that goes into it will be wasted.

Boo:  I don’t want to be forgotten either… or my efforts to be a waste!

Girl:  Ditto!  But by hounding me with regret, you are making it difficult for me to move forward in the thesis, because you’re encouraging me not just to second-guess myself, but also to third-guess and fourth-guess my second-guesses, which ends up being like seventh-guessing myself eventually, and that hurts my ability to even get started on checking whether my second guess was the place to stop guessing and start writing.  I really need to get the writing moving, you know, or else I’ll regret it.

Boo:  I know… and that makes me sad, because you’re already knee-deep in the shit I want you to not have to experience at all.  It’s not comfortable to be encouraging about your trudging forward through something I don’t want you to have to face.

Girl:  You can fly over all kinds of shit, right?

Boo:  Well… yeah, but I can’t carry you.  I’d only damage you.

Girl:  I could try a spin-jump!

Boo:  Wha—?  Oh yeah!  If you do that right, it won’t hurt either of us!  What does that mean for dealing with this, uh, situation?

Girl:  I’d say it means I might be able to find a way to put just the right spin on things that we are both happy with the results.  I just have to spin-jump off of the regrets, moving a little forward with each jump, and I also have to let you move forward too so that my next spin-jump is from a position that is slightly farther ahead of where we were previously.

Boo:  That sounds… very reasonable.  It might actually work!  So I can be helping you, while doing my job of following you to make sure you don’t have any regrets!

Girl:  Yes!  We just need to figure out how we can encourage you to move forward with me each time.  After all, if my spinning around means I keep looking back at you, you might go back into invisible mode and not end up moving forward at all.  So what I need to do is not look at you too much.  But I don’t want you to feel neglected and have to demand my attention!  What do you think we can do about that?

Boo:  Well… this conversation we’re having is helping me feel better about what I have to do, so maybe this won’t be such a problem.  But just in case, I think you should take a quick peek back at me every once in awhile so I know you’re still making sure I’m with you.  I really don’t want to be forgotten!

Girl:  That makes sense.  I had been ignoring you, which means your attempts to keep me away from regret weren’t helping me avoid the regrets at all.  I’m really sorry about that!  I will do my best from now on to acknowledge how much I don’t want to regret my experiences, and spin-jump off of my acknowledgement of you to propel myself forward.

Boo:  Okay then!  You’re really going to have to pay attention in order for this to work. At least you already have this habit of writing about your thoughts, so you just need to make sure to keep doing it and pay extra special attention to the parts that can encourage you to succeed.

Girl:  Excellent!  And if this all works out, maybe all those regrets you worry so much about won’t be as bad as we think!

Boo:  Maybe, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.  Things still have a chance of going very, very wrong, and that would definitely be regrettable.

Girl:  Agreed.  And I also think it’s important to realize that some regrets are bigger than others, and sometimes I’ll have to accept that there are little regrets to allow myself to have as I work towards not having a great big regret. For example, this upcoming National Novel Writing Month is something I’ve been thinking I’d regret if I don’t do, but it isn’t as big a regret as would happen if I don’t succeed in the thesis-writing that is the purpose of the story of The Girl Who Writes Her Thesis.

Boo:  That’s a very good example, and it even helps me realize that I don’t have to be a bad ghost!  I can be ghostly and haunting but not necessarily evil!  I can help you make decisions that will be good for you!  This makes me very happy!

Girl:  Me too, and I’m glad for the help, I really am.  I’m also extremely glad we’ve had this talk, because I’ve realized that some of the regrets just need to be considered a bit more carefully, so good choices can be made as a result.  I think we’re about done here now though, and since I don’t want to have regrets about the rest of my day, I’m going to spin-jump off of this idea and launch myself another step forward!  So, Boo, please follow me, and help me keep moving forwards!

Boo:  Okie dokie!

The afterwards, after the words

I reread the conversation a few times, and then went to the top of the chapter to see what prompted it to begin. Amidst a lot of other meandering discussion, I spotted something that might have been what enabled the conversation to take place:  I had actually acknowledged that I was feeling regret, noting that it is perfectly reasonable to feel that way given the situation I was in.

Whoa!  Havi always says that one of the best first steps is to give legitimacy to feelings, giving them permission to exist, even if it’s not much fun to be feeling them.  Acknowledging the feelings leads to ways to understand them better, and ways to help them transform from uncomfortable things (monsters!) to comforting things (fuzzy cute things that just want to promote safety!)

There is always a reason for every feeling, even though sometimes the reasoning may seem a little convoluted. Delving into the reasons behind the feelings can help sort out which parts are useful, and which parts just need a bit more assurance in order to ease tension.

The conclusions I got from the above are mostly discussed within the conversation, but there was a bit more that I figured out in the next day’s writing.  I did a lot of assuring myself that it’s okay to notice these regrets, but it’s also okay to try and minimize the intensity of the feeling of it while acknowledging the lesson.  There was also a bit of confusion regarding past regrets and things I worry I might regret in the future:  the future regrets not only involve perfectionism, but also fear of change or commitment, sprinkled liberally with a whole lot of fear about how difficult it is to improve from how things were in the past.  But now that I’m looking at these feelings more carefully, I think I should be able to get through them without them strangling me.

I’m not quite sure yet how to diffuse the tension regarding time (cue the Mario Bros “running out of time” music). Actually, wait, there IS something I had figured out that seemed to be working for me, something called the Pomodoro Technique, but I had been forgetting to apply it lately!  It amazes me sometimes how many tools and techniques I have at my disposal but forget to use when I need them most!  I suppose awareness is, as always, the first step.

The next step is putting that awareness towards a tangible result, so it’s time for me to go do some thesis-writing!

So why have I not torn open the envelope yet? Am I too wrapped up in documenting the experience perfectly? Or am I just having fun drawing out the experience, with the delicious anticipation that is much like opening the last, really big present that was inconspicuously hiding deep under the Xmas tree, appearing as if it was just there for decoration because there really can’t be a present THAT big, for ME, could there be?!

Whatever the case may be, I’m ready to be ready to start this. Wait, what? Does that mean I am, or am not ready? Maybe I just need a countdown… 4, 3, 2, 1, GO!

I pulled the tab, and found…

Inside, there are some printouts (better quality than the ones I made myself from the ebook notes), some cards advertising the Fluent Self and Shiva Nata blogs, a handwritten letter from Havi (I love checking out people’s handwriting, especially interesting creative people!), and Andrey Lappa’s Dance of Shiva DVD with so much information written on it, I decide I need a good few minutes to spend contemplating the words.

…Hmm. I am a little underwhelmed by the words, because they are a little more mystical than Havi’s much more practical “If You Do This, Epiphanies Will Come, And Here’s Why” approach.  But I suppose in both cases they are all just words, and I bet the words barely scratch the surface of what the DVD will contain.  Besides, just because my usual field of study uses some of the same words for more concrete things (if energy can be considered concrete, which I suppose it can’t really) doesn’t mean that the words aren’t allowed to describe less tangible things that are more about the mind’s perception than about something measurable.

I peeled away the cellophane, and found…

I quite like the design of the front cover and the DVD insert.  There are mountains subtly lining the bottom edge of everything, and the sky colour is a calm purplish blue. There is useful information tucked everywhere, including an outline of the DVD menus, a nice touch. And the DVD booklet appears to be a guide, so I will skim through that next.

I started reading the booklet, and found…

Blah blah blah, personal growth, yeah yeah I know why I bought this… ah, oh, this is interesting:  now I know that there are five basic leg positions in addition to the eight arm positions.  I’m so excited to make this into a full-body practice!

The guide suggests that the theory section is “not absolutely necessary” before the practice, which leads me to conclude that I can check out the theory first if I want, or not, though I probably will—after all, I do consider myself a theoretician because of my love of theory! :)

It also looks like all the sequences of movements are presented granularly, and each small part can be played in “repeat mode” until it becomes easy (which is the sign to move forward to something else, to keep the challenge up).  The interface looks to be designed to be very straightforward, while also allowing flexibility of what to choose to do for practice. Colour me impressed!

My only disappointment so far is finding out that this DVD only goes through Level 1 and 2 completely, and it just scratches the surface of Level 3. What if I find this all easy and end up accidentally mastering it way faster than expected?  I know I’m not supposed to be aiming to master it, but what if it happens?  I don’t know quite why I am so afraid of my own potential for brilliance, but I do know that this fear hinders me in a lot of ways.  Maybe I just need to give this dance a try, so I can be humbled by it…

I started the DVD, and found…

It starts with a beautiful introductory scene of misty mountains, plus a greeting from Andrey.  He looks so serious as he does his demonstration, making it almost seem martial rather than blissful!  Also, his accent is a bit thick; I don’t know where it’s from, but I find accents interesting, so I’m okay with this. Besides, if my university education has taught me anything, it’s that I can get used to any accent after I hear it enough!

I watched all the Introductory stuff, and discovered that my transition from vertical 4 to 1 was not as spirally as it was supposed to be, but I think I’ve fixed that now.  It’s all about the cycloid motion!  The Basic Movement Practice was the same sort of thing that I’ve been doing this past week, without any of the complications that I was introducing for fun. (I got bored and skipped ahead through it, and didn’t see anything about the leg positions, so I figure that won’t come into play until quite a bit later.)

Still thirsting for a challenge, I stepped into Level 1.  I almost just dove right into the Practice, but then couldn’t resist learning the theory first.  I definitely appreciate the geometric explanation of the movements as connections between points in space, especially the rotations of the symbolic representation.  Patterns!  Mathematical patterns! They sing to my heart!  :)

And then I set sail into Level 1, and found…

The first few rounds of horizontal movements were easy, thanks to my practicing beforehand.  But soon enough, I was flailing around, sometimes going backwards when I should be going forwards, or down when I should be going up, but I never felt totally lost.  It all makes sense, you see, but there is still a disconnect between what I know I understand, and what my uncoordinated arms are doing.  It’s all part of the process, though, and I’m so excited to be in it!

Also, I don’t think I need to worry about accidentally achieving mastery anytime soon, because there are a LOT of exercises in Level 1, and they probably get increasingly difficult.  So, yay, I get to look forward to a lot of future progress!

After my first run-through of the first exercise in level one, I feel tired like I did some physical exercise, which is good, because I did.  As I sat afterwards to let it absorb, I noticed myself really listening to outdoor noises, like a dog barking and a plane passing overhead. For some reason, this prompted a remembered feeling of being at the lake where my family had our camp (or cottage, if you’re not up with the lingo of Northern Ontario).  There wasn’t anything specific being remembered, just sounds leading to a feeling that made me think of childhood, and it felt noteworthy so I’m noting it here.

After the first night at sea, I found…

I am irresistibly drawn to the idea of writing the steps down, so I can learn them and know them and master them.  Is this my perfectionism, or just my way of handling learning a new thing?  Or is my worrying about doing this an indication that I am too afraid of doing things wrong?

Oh!  Yes!  This!  I am definitely afraid of doing things wrong.  This has held me back a lot in my thesis too, until recently anyways.  I think what I am starting to realize is that there are many things where I can choose how I will do them, and even if it’s different from how others do it, it’s not wrong.

This wanting-to-write-the-steps-down does not mean I am forgetting that Shiva Nata is supposed to involve challenging myself to the point of flailing around awkwardly; I think that writing down the progression will enable me to turn to additional ways to keep it challenging, like moving to music instead of Andrey’s voice on the DVD.

I am noticing that I still don’t trust my memory to remember the progression without writing it down, and this is a pattern of mine too, but that doesn’t mean I need to shut down the pattern and not let it continue.  It is not wrong for me to want to write down the progression of motions!

So: I give myself official permission to do this, because it will help me with understanding.  Besides, the same series is used for the main horizontal arm sequence as for the main vertical arm sequence, and it appears these each of these might get used later in combination with the foot movements too.

After plotting the course, I found…

I was right about suspecting that writing it down would help me:  it helped me separate what Andrey was saying from what he was doing.  What he is doing is actually the mirror image of what he says he is doing, so that when we are learning from him, we just mirror what he does and then it ends up that we are doing what he says he is doing.  Twice in the horizontal practice, however, he mixes up by saying what he himself is doing rather than what he is modelling for us to do, and since I had been listening more than watching, I found myself in different poses from Andrey.  After I wrote everything down, I saw the differences, and was able to see the pattern more clearly and not get mixed up.

I feel like this is almost a justification of my perfectionist nature, but it also demonstrates that sometimes it’s more important for a person to publish something and get it out there than to sit and fret about every little detail, because the audience will probably be able to figure it out.  I greatly respect Andrey already for what I’ve learned from his lessons, and now that I have made sense of what was happening, I can move forward comfortably.

After a few days at sea, I found…

Some of the practice sequences are shorter than others, presumably because they’re going to get complicated soon by combining everything together.  I keep pushing forward by trying at least one new thing each day, but today (Day 6) I did two new things because one of them (transquarters) was a short and straightforward exercise, much like the horizontal-vertical links one that I learned last day (Day 5).  I stumbled a bit through the fast version of each of these, but not as much as I stumble in the main horizontal and vertical sequences (the ones I wrote down the steps for).  I like the fast exercises, even if I can’t quite keep up, because I am getting a belly workout from the laughing! :)

The other thing I did today was learn the leg positions– there’s so many ways to move between the positions, I’m almost intimidated to move forward!  But I don’t have to move forward today, because I’ve done enough.  It seems that I feel ‘done’ after about half an hour, and according to the documentation it would be okay if I did much less than this each time.  I still hope I’m not moving through too quickly!  (Hello, “worry of being wrong” pattern!)

Oh, I forgot to sit and absorb my learning today.  I guess I’m feeling antsy about a bunch of other things right now, and just wanted to write down my progress without pausing first.  Writing is somewhat meditative for me anyways, so I’m deciding that it’s okay to let myself do this sometimes too.  Although now that I’ve caught up in my writing about it, I find myself really wanting to just sit and let the thoughts percolate.

After sitting quietly, calmly fishing, I found…

I felt better, even though I didn’t really sort anything out in my mind as I was sitting.  I wasn’t really thinking about much, but my mind wasn’t still and peaceful or anything either.  It was just meandering, and I was letting it.  I had my eyes closed for the first few minutes, and then I opened them for another few minutes and just watched my screen saver cycle through some of my photography, and it was just nice.

Maybe these pauses can help me overcome my struggling to do more things, by reminding me that inaction can be peaceful.  Perhaps the quiet time can also help me be more conscientious of what I am going to do next, to ensure that I am not turning to unhelpful activities (like “catching up” in twitter or facebook) as an escape from things that will help me move toward the things I want (like being done school, and getting to work on my own writing and procreating and all that jazz).

Also, I’m thinking I’m about ready to post this summary of my first week of Shiva Nata.  Maybe I’ll wait and see if any new epiphanies come out of the latest expansions of my practice, and the ridiculous flailing as I try to keep up with things beyond my skills.

Speaking of epiphanies, I’m not sure if I’ve many major ones due to the practice yet, but that might be because I’m somewhat used to having insightful realizations.  The latest ones might have a bit more sparkle than usual, though, because I am actively trying to notice them and cherish them and let myself feel them.

It is definitely helping a lot to consider that everything I do is made up of patterns, and that I can learn more about them by mixing them up instead of just trying to stop them in their tracks if I don’t like them.  Subtle differences in things might have not-so-subtle consequences, and the additional flexibility in thinking is surely helping me feel like I have more strength with which to respond to external influences.

After a few more days’ voyage, I found…

I think I have my sea legs! That is to say, I’ve done the first and second leg sequences with the horizontal and vertical arm patterns respectively. I’m surprised at how much less confusing this is than I thought it would be: the legs actually help me keep track of where I am in the pattern!

I thought I was getting good enough at the first leg sequence with horizontal arms that it would be interesting to try the fast version… and oh boy how I flailed, and laughed, and kept flailing, and kept laughing!  It was fantastic!  I mean, I had floundered a bit when learning a few other sequences and all the floundering had me giggling, but this time I was laughing because of how chaotic it felt!

Screwing up didn’t stop me either!  I kept tap-tap-tap-tapping my foot to keep the rhythm with my feet, even though I couldn’t for the life of me figure out which way to move my foot next. My arms, they kept flailing in almost-spiral motion, and I kept “almost returning” to the pattern I knew I knew, but never quite felt like I got it for a whole cycle.  I never felt frustrated, though, because I knew that by doing it wrong, I was doing it right!  And I wanted to keep going, trying again and again, but I decided to give my arms a rest and let my mind chew on what it was fed, until another day when I will try it all again.

I am starting this log by documenting the very first day of ordering Havi Brooks’ Shiva Nata Starter Kit, which came with downloadable reading materials which allowed me to actively learn about Shiva Nata before getting to do the real thing. When the DVD comes, it will show me what Level 1 means, and once I try it, I will no longer be at Level Zero– and so, that is when I will publish this post.

My first day – Fri Oct 01, ’10

Hey, how convenient: my first day of Shiva Nata was also the first of the month! That will make it easy to keep track of things! :)

On the first day, I read through the Getting Started report that came with the Starter Kit, and it suggested learning the hand positions in advance of receiving the DVD which will show how to use these positions.  I started with just learning the horizontal ones, running through them a few times to practice feeling what it’s like to make the transitions from each to the next in sequence.  And then I stopped, because I didn’t want to hurt myself:  my wrists tend to hurt on a regular basis, so I wanted to be careful about straining them.  I felt pretty good after this though, and the tingling in my wrists seemed to be mild enough that it was like an affirmation that I was doing something good (both in the doing, and the stopping).

Later, when I was biking down an empty street, I took my hands off the handlebars to stretch like I often do, and I found myself going through the motions of the horizontal positions!  I laughed to myself about how I thought my memory would be burdened by having to remember how they go.  As I thought about this more, it occurred to me that maybe I just don’t trust myself enough to remember things, but that if I gave myself the benefit of the doubt, I would probably remember more things, more often.  I am going to count this as my first mini-epiphany!

My second day – Sat Oct 02, ’10

I went through the horizontal positions again, still delighting in the fact that I remember them.  Also, I was thinking about how pretty the motion is of cycling between the positions.  I started watching my shadow, to see if my arms were approaching the angles I was hoping they were, because I want my muscles to remember as correctly as possible. Always improving is an excellent target too though, I think!

Then I learned the vertical positions, which are mostly easier, except one of them which feels like a crazy contortion that is beyond what I am capable of doing.  Luckily, I happened upon a very recent article about arm positions on the Shiva Nata blog, and discovered that the positions themselves are approximations, and that everyone finds their own right way to do them.  What is important (or what will be, once I get into the pattern part of Shiva Nata) is the mental exercise involved in learning and trying and practicing.  So, so what if my hands aren’t quite vertical in position three… they aren’t in position four either, and that one I’m doing “by the book”!  In fact, I am doing V3 and V4 with very similar hand angles, which seems like a beautiful thing that I am going to appreciate just the way it is.

And then, with a bit of a giggle, I decided to challenge myself to go one baby step further:  I went through the horizontal positions in reverse order.  It felt intriguingly different, and yet my mind lapped up the challenge as if it was delicious.  I’m pretty sure I giggled a little bit when I got through the reverse motions the first time (okay, maybe the second and third time too).

So, this baby-stepping shivanaut-in-training is going to be so ready for the DVD when it comes! :) (I’ll let myself claim to be a shivanaut once I do my first pattern-y thing of Level 1. For now, “in training” works for me!)

My third day – Sun Oct 03, ’10

Today I reviewed the horizontal and vertical hand positions, cycling through in order and in reverse order. I tried going fairly quickly, feeling myself flow between positions, sometimes not thinking about it and sometimes finding myself messing up. Was I challenging my mind, or letting it wander? It was hard to say, but since I’m just practicing remembering the positions, I figure I need this part to become instinctive, so my mind is allowed to wander (for now).

Then I tried quizzing myself on the hand positions, saying a number and direction (horizontal and vertical) without thinking of the position as something in a numerical sequence (so, to think of the fourth horizontal position, I was trying not to think about how the first three lead up to it).  This was tougher than going through the positions in order, and so I could tell that it was a good idea.  I definitely need to do this again!  (If I had a familiar programming environment handy, I bet I could easily come up with something that will randomly pop up a letter H or V and number from 1 through 4, thus making it impossible to predict the next move!)

I read a bit more of the documentation too, and it occurred to me that I haven’t quite given myself the opportunity to sit quietly afterwards and let my mind absorb what it has done.  I must remind myself to do that next time, because I can see how it will be useful, and I’ve always been intrigued by the idea of incorporating some meditation into my daily routine.  Maybe the mental and physical flailing will, as some of the other shivanauts have reported, help my mind resist flitting around between thoughts like it tends to do.

My fourth day – Mon Oct 04, ’10

This was a pretty full day, and had some pretty wretched happenings in the afternoon, which got soothed (along with the usual mid-afternoon peckishness) by a beautiful and delicious, sweet and fruity snack.  But even the snack didn’t have me convinced I was feeling ready to practice Shiva Nata positions, even though I had been excited about it earlier, when I got the email saying the DVD was in the mail.  So instead, I read at the Shiva Nata blog, looking for something to consider while  doing today’s practice (thus sparking the practice to happen).

What I discovered was a cautionary tale that rang so true with me, I could almost hear a gong sound reverberating inside my head.  Apparently, a type of epiphany common to shivanauts is one that seems to make so much sense, it makes people feel “like an idiot for not coming up with it sooner”, as Havi writes in a blog post about a mini-epiphany she had. Which makes me wonder, why do we minimize our epiphanies by appending ‘mini’ to them?  I did it too!  Is it because I felt like an idiot for not realizing my epiphany sooner, and I’m minimizing to turn it into not such a big deal?  Hmm! Someone in the comments of the article admitted that he found himself avoiding Shiva Nata because the epiphanies were making him feel dumb, and here is where I realized something about myself:  I really don’t like feeling dumb, and so there’s a good chance I would be susceptible to this.  In fact, I think there’s a very good chance that I already ignore some of my better inspirations and judgements because to acknowledge them involves admitting great stupidity.

This pattern of mine is a big part of my anxiety, I think.  I know better, but am not yet doing better, and it seems stupid and so I am ready to depart from this pattern but it’s really hard to just shake out of it.  I’m hoping that Shiva Nata can act as a keystone to help all the other plans fit into place, or maybe a lens to focus attention or energy, or even just an air intake valve to permit the sparks to ignite, or any combination of these or anything else that helps me figure out a way out of this pattern.  Heck, maybe I’ll have an inspiration that helps me finally accept that it doesn’t help to think about things much beyond the point where it’s best to just do something instead.

Hmm. I should try that. Just DO the Shiva Nata. Then sit. Then DO some thesis. Trust that it will all work out, somehow, especially if the thesis (and the thesis-writer) is getting regular attention.

[Later:] I ended up not getting around to doing the Shiva Nata until almost dinnertime, when I was hovering in the kitchen, watching and stirring things occasionally.  It does make for a nice activity to pass the time while it’s not a good idea to leave the kitchen, and while there isn’t really much to do while in there.  I just went through sequences of hand positions, all still symmetric with both hands doing the same thing, in patterns to practice transitions from each position to each of the others (so, 1 to 2, 1 to 3, 1 to 4, 2 to 1, 2 to 3, 2 to 4, 3 to 1, 3 to 2, 3 to 4, 4 to 1, 4 to 2, 4 to 3), for the horizontal ones and then the verticals.

Again, though, I didn’t sit down to let the results sink in, but I didn’t really felt like I did anything hard today so maybe there were no results to absorb. Or maybe I was just hungry and wanted to eat my dinner when it was ready. :)

My fifth day – Tue Oct 05, ’10

Today I started my practice early, because I want it to become a habit for me to reach for it eagerly, instead of letting it go undone for most of the day, allowing feelings of guilt to fester.  I took a break from practice to write down yesterday’s ‘Later’ efforts, and to jot down what I have done (and am about to continue doing) today.

I’ve been thinking over the past day or so that maybe I am more creative than I give myself credit for.  I mean, I keep thinking I’m not sure what I’ll do next with these Shiva Nata hand positions, and I keep coming up with new patterns to try out.  There is a point I won’t cross, though:  I like thinking that if I keep my hands doing the same things all the time, I’m saving my ultimate confusion for when the DVD instructs me to do differently. :)

So far this morning, I found myself forming groups of four positions, and then repeating each group a few times until it flows nicely, so usually at least three or four repetitions.  In a group, I always include one of each number, but not necessarily in sequence, and not necessarily all horizontal or all vertical.  My plan for immediately after I’m done writing is to continue doing this, but make each repetition of a group a bit faster.  And then I will sit, and see how that goes, and then I will do my work for the day, and see how that goes.

My sixth day – Wed Oct 06, ’10

I did a minimal practice today, just going through the positions in order a few times forwards and backwards. Not feeling all that well, but at least the practice didn’t make things worse. The only help I could sense was the relief that I didn’t have to worry about the fact that I hadn’t practiced today yet.  I’m not sure why I wasn’t in the mood to mix things up with varying patterns, but if that’s where I am today, so be it.

My seventh day – Thu Oct 07, ’10

I skipped practice altogether, and I’m trying not to feel bad about it because the reason I skipped it was because I’ve been feeling physically unwell (worse than yesterday).  I did dream about doing Shiva Nata positions, though, and there were some interesting thoughts that came out of it anyways, so… maybe I didn’t really skip it after all.

In the dream, the DVD had arrived (yay!) and so I put it on and started to learn about what the  next steps were. What I found was that the actual steps were the same simple things I’ve already been doing, and so I was annoyed that I wasn’t learning anything new, or that my initial guesses of neat warm-up ideas were not different from the real thing after all.  I was annoyed at the fact that my dream practice was still stuck in symmetric-hands mode, even after getting the DVD.  I wanted a challenge!

I don’t usually yearn for challenge, so waking up to this feeling was strange to me.   I wondered if the dream meant I was afraid I would get bored of Shiva Nata, or if it the dream was an expression of fear about something completely different: my thesis, and the fear was that my calculations wouldn’t help discover anything new at all after all.  Or maybe it was an expression of my stuckness, repeating the same stuck patterns over and over and over.  Hmmm!

My eighth day – Fri Oct 08, ’10

Still feeling physically troubled, I seriously contemplated skipping the exercise again, but then decided to go ahead and try it anyways. After all, I’ve been starting to see that one of my patterns is how I put things off, everything from starting work for the day, to answering an email or making a phone call, to getting ready to leave the house, to doing Shiva Nata– yes, yesterday’s omission was not fully intentional; I just never got around to it and then it was too late and I was sad about that. (Oh! Maybe this is like a lesson about what happens if I don’t do the things I want to do: I may run out of time and become sad I missed the chance!)

Also, I’ve been having so many “moments of bing” (as they’re called on the Shiva Nata blog) and I want to make sure they continue!  Especially since I encountered another article there about how epiphanies can really seem like obvious, “stoopid” things sometimes, but it explains how the experience of Shiva Nata epiphanies is so visceral, it’s like understanding at a whole new level.  This gave me hope that maybe my epiphanies (even the pre-Shiva Nata ones, since I definitely wasn’t lacking in those, just lack of making them click, or something) really will be useful to me, because instead of just knowing something, I’ll know it in my bones, and thus maybe I’ll be better able to apply it.

So, not putting it off any more, I’m going to do my shivanuttery practice RIGHT NOW~! …Ahhhh, now I feel better, at least a little bit.  I noticed myself still not feeling inclined to go in mixed-up numerical order, and I’m not sure why. (Pattern? Wanting to stick to what is comfortable?)  I also found myself doing the in-order stuff really, really quickly, even if I changed which number I started on or the direction I was going.  So, hmm, the challenge is definitely diminishing.  I guess I’ll go back to mixing up the order of positions if/when I practice this weekend, because since it’s Friday today, I guess I won’t get the DVD until Tuesday at the earliest (thanks to the Thanksgiving long weekend).

For something new today, I tried bending at the waist so my horizontals were now vertical and my verticals were something else entirely.  I wasn’t sure if this would seem all that different, but I was surprised that it did trip me up a little bit: I mixed up my horizontals and verticals!  Am I associating these notions with the direction of gravity, then, instead of the line of my body?  If so, YAY for my physical understanding of those terms as we use them in physics!  :) I couldn’t stay in that bent-over pose for long (funny bloodrush, oo!) but the stretch in reaching down with the vertical hand positions felt good physically.

My ninth and tenth days – Sat & Sun Oct 09 & 10, ’10

A busy weekend with family and friends left me without much time to myself, so I opted not to do Shiva Nata.  I did, however, have a fantastic idea for a novel, one that connects together a lot of different ideas that I’ve had in the past. If the documentation about Shiva Nata is right about how mental connections are easier to form after physically playing with patterns of arm positions, perhaps this novel idea counts as a shivanautical epiphany!

Alas, I won’t feel right taking the time to write this novel until after I’m done my thesis, because there will be a lot of research involved for it.  It might be important enough, though, to do before all the other ideas I have for books.  It is THAT big.

My eleventh day – Mon Oct 11, ’10

I just did a little bit of practicing Shiva Nata positions (in order, nothing complicated, but I did it slower and more deliberate, while looking in reflective glass cupboard doors to ensure my arms had good form) as a break from work, but before that, I did some serious inward contemplation that helped me understand a bit more about why working on my thesis intimidates me so much.  It was definitely a good, solid step towards finding out more about the pattern I want to unravel with my Shiva Nata practice.

My twelfth day – Tue Oct 12, ’10

Today, I was all gung ho about reading stuff while I continue to eagerly await the DVD. (It’s international shipping, over a long weekend, so it taking a long time is expected.)  For some reason, I haven’t been wanting to explore too much unknown territory on my own, maybe still out of the fear that I’ll figure out so much on my own that I won’t like the DVD or something. No, that doesn’t feel quite right, but there is something like that holding me back.

In my reading at the Shiva Nata blog, though, I found a pattern to try out!  Most steps in the pattern have both hands in the same place, so it isn’t a huge step from where I was with my own patterns; the main difference though is how the whole pattern itself is bigger:  it’s got groups of four, and always one of each number in a set, but it has four groups of four to make sixteen steps.  Just four of the sixteen steps have each hand doing a different thing, but these poses fit so nicely into the spiralling pattern of sequential numbers, and there is a lovely symmetry in how they are implemented.

And OH BOY was I giggling as I started to get it!  It DOES feel like a dance when it gets flowing!  And it IS delightfully fun to fumble around with patterns that slowly become the ones intended!  AND I even remembered to sit afterwards and let myself absorb what I had done!  Yay, me!

I guess by my own criteria set forth in the intro to this post, I am now officially a Shivanaut because I have now done an actual patterny sequencey thing, and so I can’t say I’m at Level Zero anymore.  I’m not sure if I’m at Level One or not though, but I won’t find out until– Oh!  YAY!  THERE’S THE MAIL DELIVERY LADY, AND SHE HAS A DVD-SIZED PADDED-LOOKING ENVELOPE IN HER HANDS AS SHE WALKS UP TO MY PORCH!

I wait for her to move on to the next house, and take a few breaths to calm myself before opening the door, hoping not to squee! too loudly if it is, indeed, the Shiva Nata DVD.  I slowly, calmly open the door and reach towards the mailbox, calmly, slowly extracting the package.  I can’t see the label on it because there is other mail held against it with a rubber band.  As I step back inside and start closing the door behind me, I slowly, calmly peek underneath the other mail that is in the way, and “EEEEEE, HEEHEEHEE!” I erupt in squee, not quite managing to get the door closed before I let loose with that (oops? ahhh who cares, IT’S HERE IT’S HERE!).

Somehow, I manage to finish writing this before tearing open the envelope.  But now, I’m going to post this post, and start a new post for my impressions of the DVD. SQUEEEE! :)

I’ve also never sought out any activities that could be associated with dancing… except once, when I ordered a book about ballroom dancing because I wanted to have some clue of what to do at the first dance on my wedding day.  (We never really used the book at all, except as a reminder that we should maybe listen to our song once or twice and practice moving to it so we don’t fall all over ourselves when people are watching.) (Our first dance went fine, by the way, because my husband has a very good sense of rhythm and grace and I was smart enough to let him lead.)

Anyways, I wanted to write today because I’ve just ordered a starter kit for Shiva Nata, which is something I’ve been eyeing for awhile but hesitating to buy because I didn’t want it to happen on too much of a whim. I may have been hesitating because the description of Shiva Nata sounds almost too good to be true: it’s a fun form of exercise (which is weird enough, right?) dedicated to creating explosive revelations that will help me find ways to get results in things I’m trying to change about myself?!  Inconceivable!

Shiva Nata may be part dance and part exercise, but it claims to be more about transformation of one’s own patterns into new and better ones by using physical activity to stimulate mental changes.  From a bit of research I did a few times over the past few months of hemming and hawing about making the purchase, it appears to involve flailing arms (and eventually legs too, I guess) and challenging oneself to follow mathematical patterns (yummy!) while constantly stepping up the difficulty so it’s always meant to be more like stumbling than dancing.  It is named after Shiva, the Hindu god of dance and destruction, where the destruction is not meant to be a negative thing but rather a way of preparing for new creation, and where the dance is actually enacted for the purpose of this destruction.

I suppose I can see how all this information ties together and has powerful implications, but will it work for me?  Are my expectations dangerously high?  I don’t really like admitting it, but I’m really hoping this will help me overcome whatever it is that makes me feel like I’m stuck (or think I’m stuck, or behave like I’m stuck, or whatever), because merely analyzing it and attempting to push through it or talk myself out of it keeps feeling like it’s not working.

Sometimes, though, I feel totally fine, like when I’m actually doing the work I’m supposed to be doing.  Obviously, since I’m writing here instead of in my thesis document, right now is not one of those times.  But I have a new tool to try, and I’m trying very hard not to be terrified that I’ve just tried throwing money at the problem.

At very least, if I find myself sticking to this activity regularly, I’ll be able to (a) feel good about sticking to something (like I did for NaNoWriMo last year, and like I’m still doing with the three Most Important Tasks every day), and (b) feel physically good from the exercise too.  I’m also trying to do some walking everyday, partly as a meditative practice and partly as a way to practice having good posture, and apparently Shiva Nata will be good for both of those goals too.

So, all in all, I managed to convince myself to get this today and although there are a lot of good reasons for me to be happy about it, I’m still worried (and I’m sure it’s showing).  In fact, part way through reading the introductory material that was emailed when I purchased the Shiva Nata starter kit, the text asked me, “Are you noticing what you are feeling right now?”  And I laughed, thinking about how it was a terrible mishmash of good and bad things, and then I decided to take it one step further and make a list of words, just to see what happened.  Here’s what I came up with:

So, some of the feelings are probably pretty self-explanatory, but the very first one stands out as begging for more explanation.  I don’t quite know why I’ve been feeling sad today, only that there were several times in reading Havi’s words (either on her Fluent Self blog or in the Shiva Nata introductory notes) where tears welled up in my eyes and I wasn’t entirely sure why.  Or maybe I wasn’t quite ready to face why.  I think, maybe, probably, each little cry was because I haven’t been good about being kind to myself in order to get through things gently.  Or something.  I think I’m ready to change the subject again now, though, so, shall we return to the dance?

As I was reading the part of the introduction that explained the hand positions (the flailing part comes after knowing what parts I’ll be flailing between), I did try them out (well, half of them anyways, the so-called ‘horizontal’ positions) to see what they felt like.  My wrists protested a little bit, like they usually do when I do arm exercises, but afterwords they felt tingly like I had done something good.  Tomorrow I’ll try them again, and I’ll keep going in little tiny baby steps to learn the positions so that when the DVD comes in the mail, I’ll be all memorized-up and ready to go!

I intend to document the process here, not on a daily basis or anything strict like that, but I hope I’ll write more often than I have been.  The learning involved in this new dance will probably be very beneficial for me to document, and it might even be useful to others who are considering starting Shiva Nata or who are already starting it themselves.

Here’s hoping I find the new paths that I’m seeking for myself, and that it feels as good as I suspect it’s going to feel!

EDIT: I just found something in the reading material that explicitly says that Shiva Nata is not much of a dance after all. However, the concept still involves steps, like a dance does, and since it involves flailing and stumbling around, which is basically how I dance anyways, I’m still going to call it a dance. Besides, the idea of dancing sounds way more fun than the idea of exercise, so there, nya~! :)

Physicists spend a large part of their lives in a state of confusion. It’s an occupational hazard. To excel in physics is to embrace doubt while walking the winding road to clarity. The tantalizing discomfort of perplexity is what inspires otherwise ordinary men and women to extraordinary feats of ingenuity and creativity; nothing quite focuses the mind like dissonant details awaiting harmonious resolution.

But en route to explanation—during their search for new frameworks to address outstanding questions—theorists must tread with considered step through the jungle of bewilderment, guided mostly by hunches, inklings, clues, and calculations. And as the majority of researchers have a tendency to cover their tracks, discoveries often bear little evidence of the arduous terrain that’s been covered. But don’t lose sight of the fact that nothing comes easily. Nature does not give up her secrets lightly.

— Brian Greene in The Fabric of the Cosmos: Space, Time, and the Texture of Reality, first paragraph of Chapter 16. [Published by Alfred A. Knopf, New York, 2004].

— Wikipedia article about the book

— Amazon link The Fabric of the Cosmos: Space, Time, and the Texture of Reality (affiliate link)

Overall, I’ve been really enjoying this book for how it keeps my head in the space I need it to be in for my thesis.  Sometimes I just open it randomly to read whatever I happen upon, and sometimes I scan for specific topics.  I have almost made it all the way through sequentially, though, or at least I think I have.  I might have to read it again, though, but that’s okay because I really have enjoyed all that I’ve read.

I recommend this book to anyone who is curious about spacetime and the current state of research (well, at least, up to 2004).  I don’t think much has changed since then, except that the Large Hadron Collider is up and running, and it hasn’t (as of this blog post) found anything yet to prove or disprove any of the theories mentioned in this book (specifically: no Higgs particle has been found yet, no evidence of miniature black holes being formed, and no evidence of the extra dimensions required for string theory).

RT @timtfj:

Passive [voice] makes the facts harder to absorb. Disengages the reader.

Harder than in normal non-scientific writing, I mean.

I wonder if anyone’s done the experiment: ”One version of the paper was prepared in passive voice and 3rd person in order to test the reader’s information retention. We wrote the other one in 1st person to test how much you remember.”

You’d take an actual science paper, & keep it exactly the same except for editing all the passives out of one version, then test how easily & accurately people could follow it, what criteria they used to evalute it, etc.

Results would probably vary depending on whether it was a paper in the reader’s own discipline.

—[1][2][3][4][5][6][7][8]

My responses:

Interesting experiment idea, and well-described as well. ;) In that case though, the “we” seems more correct. My case is more vague.

I think passive voice works for mathematical research because it doesn’t matter who sets it up, or even if anyone does.

—[1][2]

I think the results of above experiment described by Tim would also depend on whether the norm for the test paper’s discipline tends towards passive voice or active explanations of what the researchers actually did.

In mathematical physics, there are a lot of situations where it seems more natural (in my humble opinion) to use passive voice.  Specifically, I’m finding this to be true when the only other choice is what I’ve recently learned (thanks @candace_nast) can be called an “inclusive we”, where I mean the reader and myself, for example when I am demonstrating something so that “we can see” whatever it is I’m demonstrating. I’d much prefer to take myself out of the picture, and just state what is being demonstrated, letting the reader decide whether s/he sees it too.

If, instead of opting for passive voice or inclusive we, I take too much responsibility for what I am sharing, it may seem like I am the only person who has ever figured out what I am demonstrating. Obviously, I do need to take some credit for my work, because the whole point of a thesis or dissertation is to put my work on a pedestal. However, I think it would be too distracting to do this within the body of the explanation, where I really want the demonstrated concepts to be the focus. The math speaks for itself, after all, and would still demonstrate the same things whether I was the one who did the calculation, or you did, or we did together, or nobody did it at all.

Perhaps I am just struggling with modesty, which is why I am tempted at times to use “we” to mean my fellow researchers and myself, even though it blurs my own contributions with those of my collaborators. Maybe this is okay for my first draft, after which I can ask my advisor what parts he thinks are my own extensions to his work, and so they would be better described by a more personal pronoun.  Of course, this brings up the question of whether I should then choose the overly-formal method of referring to myself as “the author”, as awkward as that tends to sound…

Ah, the dilemmas that interfere with research are so much fun, aren’t they? :)