The whole “not saying it out loud because I don’t want to have to spork people” thing isn’t really what bothers me most about this feeling crappy thing though. Nope.

What bothers me most is that I HAVE TO SLOW DOWN!

I hate it.

I am having to wake up each day and evaluate my to do list based on how I feel. Give myself plenty of time to rest if I need to but most of all, I haven’t been running. It sucks.

Running is what I know. It is my stress reliever. It is my mind clearer. It is what I do. Every single day.

I feel lost when I have to slow down. And even more lost when I don’t feel well enough to put in a couple of miles each day.
What exactly determines if I run?

• If I can stand upright for more than 10 minutes without feeling like I am going to pass out, I run. If I can’t manage 10 minutes upright, I walk..or crawl. I pledged to get in at least 1 mile per day for 2012. I keep my promises.
• If I have snot in my nose, a horrible cough, plugged up ears but no fever, I still run…with breaks to hork up my lungs. If the gook is below my neck, I walk. Its only a mile on the bad days. My mom has had chemo every single week since June 2011. If she can do that, I can run with the sniffles and a cough.
• If I am grumpy, I run further…and faster. Nothing puts a smile on my face faster than a faster pace on Run Keeper.
• If I am crying at the drop of a hat, I run. Nothing is better therapy for what is ailing my mental state. Yes, I have run while sobbing out my frustrations…and screaming…and throwing rocks.
• If I have cramps, I run. Exercise releases endorphins and endorphins lift your mood. Period. Pardon the pun.
• If my muscles are sore or tired, I run. It loosens me up.
• If it’s cold, I don the leg warmers and gloves and run.
• If it’s raining, I run. See.
• If it’s hot, I run with less clothing.

Today, I ran my mile.  I felt good enough for that…but not good enough to get my 3.5 in.  It should still be enough to keep me from sporking anyone.

I am finding that there are a select few in these outer loops that grate on my last nerve. It takes all that I have to not lash out with a bit of sarcasm toward their whining when I see it. Last night however, I had an epiphany. That lashing out that I feel like I want to do…is the very thing that I am trying to empty from my life. It is negativity. Even though I don’t utter the words, the thoughts are still there. It still contaminates my attitude.

It is easy to walk the walk when I am out in public. It is easy for me to consciously react to most people that I encounter in a positive way however, I still have tendencies to THINK in a non positive manner.

………

………

That really makes me think about who I am.

I am not a negative person, however, I do have my moments. I still have times of getting angry, frustrated and emotional to the point of considering exactly how much damage a spork can do. I still drop an F bomb as a form of expression. I still lash out at the people that I love when I am under pressure or having a bad day. I am not a fricken patron saint of all things happy and sweet. I am not. I do however TRY to spew positive vibes whenever possible. I try to keep my kids on a good path and thinking about all of the good we can, as humans, do in this world. I TRY.

And now, since I had my epiphany, I need to try even harder.

I still don’t think that I will find compassion for the ones who cry about being broke 24/7 if they are out gambling every weekend in the name of fun. I still am not sure that I can feel bad for a person who whines about how hard their life is if they are doing nothing to take steps to change it. I won’t befriend the selfish one just for the sake of being a positive influence. I will however, try to stop the harsh feelings from spewing from my mind when I do encounter those people. They don’t deserve negative energy. Neither does the rest of the world.

You get what you project. It’s a simple principal. I lecture on it all the time. Now, I need to work on living it a bit better.

I walked back inside for the second time.

I decided that I would head up to our gym and get my mile in on the treadmill. Just get it done. Didn’t matter to me where, or how. Then my son let our dogs out and reported back that the rain had stopped. I decided that it would be much faster to leave my house and walk a mile than to drive up to the gym, hit the treadmill and drive home again.

I bagged up the phone and headed out for a walk. Alone. (probably what saved me today)

The rain held off and as I walked, I started analyzing my gait, my footfall, my posture and all of the other things that I should work on. Then I picked up my pace a bit so I could make observations as I ran. I spent my mile working on myself. I also decided that  I needed to start getting more of my runs in alone. As much as I love my husband and love running with him, it is hard for me to work on MY run if I am constantly worried about what MY run is doing to HIS run.

Alone time. WOW!

I managed more than a mile today despite my thoughts to spork myself earlier just to get out of it. Yeah for cheap therapy.

I decided to give myself a bit of slack today. I ran well yesterday. As a matter of fact, I have run every single day for the past 25. (Run or power walked) I am pushing my body every single day so how can I honestly get upset over a 2 mile run? I can’t. I won’t.

I found myself a nice piece of shade. I took off my Vibrams and I forced myself to take a deep breath. I am happy with where I am. I feel REALLY good. And I am smart enough to know that I have to listen to my bod if I am going to run the way I have planned to run this year. (1000 miles this year anyone?)

So, I put a smile on my face, got my feet in the grass and I walked myself toward home. It felt good! I took time to stop and watch the air force jets fly over a couple of times. I stopped and enjoyed an Osprey flying by. I said hi to a couple of neighborhood dogs (I REALLY need to take a photo of these guys. Most beautiful Huskies I have ever seen.)

While this might not have been the "run" that I planned on today, it was apparently exactly what my bod needed today. Who can argue with that?

Sometimes, things just piss me off to no end. My Mom getting cancer is one of those things. When she started having her symptoms, I knew what was going on – long before the doctor told her what it was. Even while we faked our way through pretending that it was stress and her digestive system just being out of whack. We knew. It didn’t make it any easier when the hand was dealt.

It also didn’t make it any easier when we heard how bad it was. There is never anything easy about cancer. NEVER.

This past year has been hell on my Momma. And my Daddy. And on me, my husband, my sister, all of the kids, mom’s friends…we are all affected. We are all helpless. And that right there is why I am so fucking angry. We are helpless.

No matter what her doctors tell her from this point forward, we will always have that thought in the back of our heads. Even if she gets to a point that they declare her cancer free, her treatments get to stop and she can go on trying to lead a normal life and people call her a survivor….we still have the terror of the what if’s that will hang on. Forever.

What if this is the visit that it decides to rear its ugly head again? What if they find it somewhere else in her body? What if Mom decides that she is tired and doesn’t want to fight anymore? WHAT IF????

It haunts me. That makes me angry.

No one, anywhere, at any time, can make that go away. It’s not me dwelling. It’s not being negative. It’s fucking reality. From this day forward. THAT makes me angry.

The anger and desperation sometimes bubble to the surface for me and need to find a way out, so that THEY don’t eat me up. This is why I run. and kick. and meditate. and try to help every single person that I can to live healthier. This is also the reason that I throw myself 100 MPH into the things that I do. I need to have things in my life that don’t include cancer. My mom doesn’t get that choice. Her entire being is about fighting this monster. Every day. For the rest of her life. THAT makes me angry.

I am just so angry…and I hate it.

I will be ok and honestly, I do know that. Deep past the anger, I have glimmers of hope and positivity. I know that this hand has been dealt to my family for some whacked out reason. There is some bigger plan in place with all of it. I keep saying that to my Mom too. I also try to keep my smile in place as much as possible. Some days, that is harder than others. I am cool with that. This is the journey. However bumpy. However many twists and turns come my way. I am in it. Meeting it with humor, laughter, positivity and sometimes….anger. The great part is that I am finally at a place in my life that I am ok with ALL of it.

My Momma is tough. I get that from her.

I still reserve the right to tell 2011 to suck it though.

• I really need to find a way to not let the asshats of the planet bother me so much. When thinking back over this past year, the majority of my stress has stemmed from people saying stupid things or acting like idiots in my presence…and of course, my inability to keep my mouth shut about it all.
• I would like to find a means to not rely on other people’s happiness to feel like I have done good. I have spent so much time this year trying to make others happy or to fill gaps for other people that as I sit here at the end of 2011 – I am exhausted! So, to those who have been enjoying my ass wiping, and hand holding this year…unless you really are one of my nearest and dearest, you better find another sucker to handle it for you.
• I don’t want to spend 2012 doing what is expected of me. Instead, I would like to find joy in making others sit back and say things like “Is she REALLY doing that?” and “Holy crap – what IS she thinking.” It will certainly make for a more fun and exciting year. Don’t you think?
• I want to have sex every day of the year this year. I have read that orgasms are really good for your health and mental state. So I am upping my health ante and going to not only be eating right and running non stop, but having a big O atleast once per day. If my hub can’t keep up, I may need to take applications for a personal assistant willing to have a creative job description.
• After 6 years, I think it’s time to drop this final 15 pounds and so help me, if I have to slice my thighs off with a damn knife, it will go.
• I am running a half marathon. I don’t have it planned but I know this has to be accomplished to be one of the cool kids. Plus, I think the fact that I like to run kind of freaks my kids out a bit. Have to keep them on their toes any way that I can.
• I am spending my 42nd birthday on a beach somewhere. Quietly sipping drinks with my hub and kids at my side. I haven’t ever spent a birthday on a beach and nothing says celebration like some sand in the coochie.

There you have it. My goals/resolutions for 2012. Happy New Year!

I sit here tonight and technically, it’s my 41st birthday. I spent some time recently reflecting about the past year of my life…and about a project that I have been involved in, on and off, for the past few years. Half Nekkid Thursday.

If any of you have been long time readers, you know that I have always put myself out there with my writing. Basically, nothing has been off limits for me on my blog. I have written about everything that goes on in my life as well as all of the things that go on in my head…and I have occasionally posted photos of myself that left me – a bit exposed. I haven’t shown boobage or tushy shots. I haven’t tossed up pics of my girlie bits. I have, however, put up photos where I tried to express myself, somewhat artistically, to go along with various themes of the HNT project.

I know that there are people out there who have no clue why I find it so rewarding to write like I do. There are others out there who think I am slightly insane for participating in online projects like Nanawrimo, The Boobiethon, Blog-A-Thon and yes, even HNT. I do admit – I am wired a bit differently. I enjoy a change of scenery on occasion. I like a challenge. Along the way, if I can touch someone’s life, all the better. Plus, you meet some really cool people when you participate in those types of fun events. Yes, even in blogland.

Today, I get to be a part of the ending of what I consider to be, one of the greatest and most fun online projects that I have had the pleasure of participating in. My dear friend Scott decided that his HNT project had reached a point of needing to close it’s blog doors. While the end of HNT is a bit sad for all of us long timers, we totally understand that sometimes, it’s just the right time to move along to other things.

I am honored that Scott thought highly enough of me as a human and trusted me enough as his friend to ask me to be a part of his final HNT week. I think that it’s even more cool that his finale is coming to a close on my birthday this year.

If you haven’t checked out this project before, I invite you to do so this week. (you can do so HERE )There are some great and very talented people involved. (Due to the nature of the project, while all photos are beautifully artistic, some may not be suitable for all audiences.) When you click the thumbnails, it will become very clear why I have enjoyed getting to know the people involved with HNT, both in their final words about this project and with the words left for each participant by the HNT founder.

To Os, Your friendship and support during the past few years has meant the world to me. I feel so blessed to have crossed paths with you in my lifetime and to have been a part of something so dear to you. You have inspired me to express myself in ways that I never thought I would be capable of. Thank you for all that you have done not only for me and my writing but for all of the faithful HNT’rs. – Always, Queenie

Farewell old friend. May your ending offer many new beginnings in the future to all who have enjoyed you.

The best part? The super prices. Average cost is less than $30.

I normally spend $200 – $300 for a pair of specs. Do you know what I could do with that extra couple hundred bucks right now? I think it would involve Santa and more wrapping for sure.

If you haven’t checked out Zenni Optical, make sure you head over there and pick out your next pair of specs. They even have this great “try on” feature on their site so that you can put the frames on a face that is shaped like yours – to get a better idea of what they will look like on you. Technology at it’s finest. Be sure to let me know when you find your perfect pair in the comments below.

5 miles. Great weather. We ran it last year and could barely walk – FOR DAYS. We went too far, too fast. Heel striking. Poor goals. You name it, we did it wrong. The only thing we were out for then was to put down the mileage so we could say that we had.

This time, we knew our strides were right. We have been barefoot running for 2 months and have felt great. We had yet to run this distance but felt like our heads were in a good place so we could turn around if our bods told us to. (Thankfully, they didn’t.) We weren’t head strong this time. Our egos weren’t pushing us. Our love for this sport was. The only goal we had yesterday was to do the route and feel good when we finished. Walking, running. It just didn’t matter to us.

It is a hard goal for people who have been runners for any length of time. It is also one of the main reasons why I LOVE the whole bare foot lifestyle. No goals. No pressure. We run simply because we LOVE the way it makes us feel. Our bodies are indeed temples of power and wonderfulness that allow us to experience what we do. They don’t fail us. (Sometimes, when we don’t listen, they will yell, but they don’t fail.) Barefoot running is all about being completely present in your moment. No matter how far, or how long.

Today, when I woke up and stretched out next to my hub. I didn’t have cramping calves. I didn’t have to stay curled up in a ball for fear of my muscles screaming. I stretched out the legs, put my arms over my head, wiggled the toes, took a deep breath and again, enjoyed my moment.

Yesterday, I ran the longest distance that I have ever run. For the second time. Today, I am not limping. I am not sore. My smile is still in place – AND I actually conversed with hub about how easy it would be to head out for a quick couple of miles as the sun went down.

A far cry from where I was the last time I did this route. The only difference – EVERYTHING!