Queereverend

Zen?

2009-10-27T14:18:00.000-07:00

A friend asked me this...

...do you know anything about the concept of Satori?

It's a Zen Buddhist mode of awareness...

...a "flash" of awareness...sudden realization.

I responded...

It's a word I know... but I haven't thought of it or read of it for a while... It is roughly translated as enlightenment.

I will speak only from my current understanding right now... it isn't probably going to be as Zen as it is going to be just me.

In A Course in Miracles the term miracle can mean simply to understand something in a new way.

From The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, I remember a bit about the importance of being able to change one's perspective about something long held as truth.

Related to healing, I will quote myself from about 10 years ago.

The true role of the healer is not to cure but to help a person redefine what it means to be healthy. The person must change what they understand about dis-ease and find a way to move forward in a paradigm of their own making.

So, to me, it's not only about bringing light to a situation but to bring it in a new way or from a new angle.

The light has been there all along. How am I able to redirect it so that the shadow concealing my wellness is removed?

Satori describes the moment that the shift happens. It is the state of directing the light always present to me and to others just right so that clarity is the result.

That is wellness.

Him...

Nice. I like how you put it.

Me...

Thank you for asking. It is good for me to think in this direction right now. :)

Him...

Any images come to mind when thinking about it...?

...the concept of it?

or colors?

Me...

There is this story that I heard a long time ago and so the details are lost to me but... as a boy, this man found part of a mirror and he polished the edges until it was a smooth, round mirror. For some reason...

he kept it into his adulthood in his wallet. He is someone famous, who I can't recall, and his work was that of a humanitarian... of one who brings aid.

At any rate, he was on a bus one day riding through some lands foreign to him to do his work and he was fidgeting with that mirror, reflecting sunlight streaming through the windows such that it shone under the seats.

Suddenly he realized that had been his life all along. He was simply there to shine that Light into the places it couldn't get on its own.

That is the image that comes to mind.

Him again...

beautiful.

that is very helpful

Harness the Wind

2009-10-11T20:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Frank and I drove to Chicago and when we were driving by the wind farm in Northern Indiana I thought those tremendous, turning turbines seemed to me the most peaceful things in the world. I felt like everything was quiet as I looked at them even though nothing had changed.

Tonight Frank and I drove back from Chicago and when we were driving we saw a vast area of land that went on for a very long time with red lights that flashed in unison. It was the wind farm at night. It was mesmerizing. It seemed to be timed with the music we were listening to. The song, unbeknown to us at the time because it was on my shuffle, was "Shine On" by ATB. It was beautiful and it made the quiet just like the first time.

Investments

2009-09-24T10:21:00.001-07:00

Since I started dating Frank I've continued working on weight-loss through diet and have added CrossFit to my world. It's not the most natural thing for me. I have put plenty of thought, as you might expect, into ferreting out why that is. Part of the reason I feel like it's important to know why it's not in my nature to do something is so that I can build a good case for shifting behaviors.

What I've come to is that my familial culture was not one of investing in health. I happen to come from a people who are somehow relatively healthy early in life but who don't put work into staying that way. My Dad's side of the family seems to stay healthy for a pretty long time except that he had a heart attack in his early 50's. The rest of his family, as far as I know, seem to do pretty well into their 70's and 80's when they get cancer or suffer from heart disease. That's just how it's been. Pretty strong teeth too, I might add... something I obsess about. My Mom's family is similar except that things fall apart a little earlier with diabetes and heart disease. I have always accepted that you lose your health when you get old. I actually thought all old people had their teeth pulled and got false teeth when they got to some certain age and was fairly terrified at how much that must hurt!

Because of this, I used to always say I just didn't want to get old. A few years ago I heard myself saying this and suddenly realized a couple of things. First was the fact that I was going to die young if I kept saying I didn't want to get old. It's just how it works, right? Self-fulfilling prophecy. Secondly, I realized it just wasn't true. It wasn't that I didn't want to be old. In actuality, there was just a certain kind of old I didn't want to be. Realizing that, there was suddenly this plan emerging that would include me doing the things that I could do, within my control, to invest in a healthy old age.

With that in mind and coupled with my realization that my ability to do karate had turned to utter shit with the addition of extra weight, I started dieting, met Frank, continued dieting, and started CrossFit. I will not tell you that I enjoy CrossFit. I'm fighting against a culture that taught me it was normal to fall apart and to not exercise. My people do not exercise. CrossFit is the hardest exercise I have ever done. If it weren't for the constant improvement I see, I would probably have stopped already. My family doesn't, save for a small group of exceptions, consistently use mindful decision making as a basis for nutritional intake. My people are smokers and tv-watchers. I love these people and I recognize that doing what they do will lead me to exactly the state I don't want to be in.

Is my decision to continually beat up my body and not eat cake based solely upon my commitment to aging gracefully? Hell no! I want to be hot! I want to look good naked. I want to be better at karate and, by extension, better at teaching karate. I want to be stronger and faster and did I mention hot? Regardless, the pure intentions and the less than pure intentions are succeeding so far in keeping me at it. It is making it possible for me to balance body, mind and spiritual matters as well. I attach a lot more to my body than I should. It is difficult at times. Doing things to make my body more functional helps with those issues.

Investments... The best one I have going right now is my decision to not passively watch my body turn to shit. I'm happy about it. Thanks, Frank. Thanks, CrossFit. Thanks, Darren. :)

---------------

"Your body is precious. It is our vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care." ~Buddha

Amazing Animation!

2009-09-23T11:30:00.000-07:00

Recognition

2009-09-20T17:26:00.001-07:00

I have noticed lately that I'm becoming more and more like my parents. There was a time that this would have petrified me into agoraphobic tendencies. As it is, I'm adult enough to recognize not only that I could have done a lot worse with parents but that in most ways, I was actually very lucky. With that as a frame of reference, noticing their proclivities as being my own isn't so bad.

I think I can trace my wanting to grow food and the like to my Dad. My Mom taught me my way around the kitchen. They taught me to look at kids who are playing with something and say, "Don't break that," as if the kids' are plotting the destruction of that which they control. They probably aren't.

When I was a kid, my Mom seemed to me to be waiting on my father hand and foot and I promised myself that I would never make anyone do that for me. It was early enough in my life that I didn't have a model for what my own family would look like and I thought this was just some husband and wife pattern that I wouldn't repeat.

While Frank is more than willing to cook, I happen to like my cooking better than his and he seems pretty fond of my wicked-mad-dinner-cooking skills. One of the things my Mom always did that made me bugnutzcrazy was give my Dad the best piece of meat, the biggest serving of vegetables... he got the top picks even over what she served herself. It made me crazy and, I think, put a brick or two in the wall that stood between my Dad and I that we've only recently begun dismantling.

Lately I've realized while making dinner that I give Frank the bigger cut of meat and a larger portion of side dishes and if something's over-cooked or just not quite right, that's mine. It struck me all of a sudden that the reason my Mom always did these things was because she loved my Dad that much. I thought it was something he made her do somehow or that she felt she had to do for some reason other than that she just wanted to. Suddenly I realize that it's really the thing she wanted to do more than anything else just like it's what I want to do for Frank.

What I know is that putting all of this together has opened the door to my recognition of the kind of love I'm in. It is a love like my parents in the best ways that they have loved each other. It is a good thing and I'm very thankful to have experienced it. I am even more excited to see how it continues to unfold.

Thank you for giving.

2009-09-07T13:35:00.001-07:00

For my birthday gift to myself, I laid on my glasses and broke them. I went pretty quickly to the eye doc and got an updated Rx but wasn't able to pick new frames because I am picky as well the fact that I was grossed out by the cost of frames. As many know, what I did was ask for donations for my birthday. I thought it was a great idea. I thought that I would surely get more than enough to pay for the glasses, so my plan was to use part for glasses and the rest I was to loan through Kiva.org.

Between my 100+ friends on Twitter and 550+ friends on facebook the results were not what I expected, however, I still got more than enough to buy the glasses and to make some loans through Kiva. Some of the response to the asking was great and some was not what I thought. There was commentary by one person about the fact that I had asked for a birthday gift. What I asked for was $5 through paypal. I thought about this person's comment for a while and decided that I need to change a society in which asking for what one needs is not seen as acceptable. I was simply asking someone for their Starbucks' money for one drink. Others thought it was a great idea and some gave well over the requested amount. It was a good experience.

As far as the glasses, I found the frames I wanted again and again but they were $500 and all I could think was how many people I could help with that much money. I couldn't do it. So I researched and measured and asked around and finally found a frame online that I liked and was the right size. I ordered, got my glasses back in a few weeks and they are pretty swell. I paid less than $65 for the glasses. They are so similar to the ones I was lusting over at the $500 price point that I am so happy I took the leap to buy online! I was gifted, minus the paypal fees, about $160 from friends. So, the $95 balance has been loaned out through Kiva.org and will continue to be re-loaned as often as it is paid back.

It's a pretty amazing world.

So, here are the glasses. Thanks for your help!

On becoming...

2009-08-18T09:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I blog about the same thing over and over. I guess that's life. Perhaps this time I will find a new angle.

I'm still working on imagining more clearly who I'm becoming. I am coming to the realization that owning a home has seemed like self-imprisonment to me for a long time. After several days of emotional upheaval because the friend who I rent from set loose the raper of all things green upon the house that is not mine but that I have called home, I realize that owning a home ties one to a place on some level but also offers the freedom to make long-term commitments. Chickens and gardens and bees make more sense in a place that I can call mine and a place that doesn't include asking permission to do what I want to do. I am already checking with a couple banks/credit unions to see if my self-employment is still a hindrance to getting a mortgage. If it is, I'm at a point to find some other way to get into a house with a big yard and space for fruit trees.

This is just one of the dreams for my becoming that is emerging/re-emerging. Piggybacking on my urge to reinvigorate my spiritual life and work as a teacher is my re-reading The Fifth Sacred Thing by Starhawk. I'm remembering the call to study healing arts that I felt and followed more than a decade ago. A bit of massage training and certification as a Reiki Instructor were my answers to the call then. That opening up to spirituality is what lead me to ministerial training. I'm feeling drawn towards more, now. In the book there is this amazing blend of spirituality and science that is utilized for wellness. In moving towards sustainability through an urban homestead, I realize that I'm looking for ways to be more responsible for my own health in general. I also want to have more tools available to me that will help others find that space as well. I am not opposed in total to allopathic medicine. I do believe there are other ways. I do believe that no amount of health reform could replace the simple fact that we have a lot more power over our own wellness than we believe. I am open to finding the next best step in empowering myself to empower others. CrossFit with Frank has been a part of this awakening. The way we eat has been huge as well. It has been a great journey thus far and I am excited to keep growing alongside this person who has pushed me to ask new questions about what I'm capable of.

In the big picture, I know that I will be an eccentric guy with lots of answers and more questions who loves to bring a bag of fruits and veggies from my yard to folks who eat too much junk. I want to be the old, wise person in the neighborhood who you ask about the rash on your arm, the hurt feelings from a breakup, or what the best herbs are for a tisane to calm your nerves at the end of the day. It's what I have always wanted to be, I think. The Church Within and the training I received there to be an ordained minister taught me how to connect on a very deep level with people to approach spiritual work. Broad Ripple Martial Arts put me in my body in a way I'd never experienced so that I could be present in that way with others. CrossFit and the nutritional plan that go with it are helping me move forward in that direction. Now I want a broader set of solutions to offer folks and the confidence that comes with good training. I am remembering to be open to my intuition again. It is all connected... still.

No matter what happens in the world, we all just keep on becoming.

Boundary Living

2009-08-11T08:24:00.000-07:00

In my life, I have often been less than successful at integrating the many aspects of my Self that comprise my wholeness. The closest I feel I came to this for any length of time was during my seminary program when I was simultaneously training so hard in karate. I was faced with weekly assignments for my ministerial training as well as attending karate classes most days. It kept me well grounded in both and also kept, well, the body, mind, and spirit parts of what makes me this person fairly well intertwined. It was not something I did by design but it was a very good plan I was living.

In the years since ordination and my first black belt, I have shifted between these different focuses at different times and have felt it hard to keep them balanced. I am aware, now, that I need to make a more conscious effort to reintroduce the interdependence of my 'Selves' or risk losing some part of me that I hold as precious.

It's easy to focus on the body right now. I'm eating a very specific diet. I am working on getting into a regular workout plan with my boyfriend the trainer. It is easier to focus on my mind than it has been at some other times in my life. I have evidently gained some skill in watching my tendency toward habitual reaction to old triggers. That has been helpful in the relating with Frank. I have a daily mantra practice that is also working on my thinking. Spirituality, it would seem, would be easy as well. For me, though, spiritual practice isn't just about my recitations or going to church.

When I decided to become an ordained minister, survived three years of training for that, and then took vows and received the mantle of ordination, my spiritual practice became a quality of how I engage people. What I know is that it is very easy to not share that I'm a minister and enjoy the freedom with being seen as laity. I don't think that I am special or different because I'm a minister. That is not the point. The point is that other people expect me to be different or special and it feels like a constant battle to convince people that isn't true. I'm not even a Christian. That is a conversation I could live without having ever again. The other thing that it means is that my vows are easier to shift to the side.

These vows are also somewhat illusive. My instructor can't even tell me what they were because of a missing file. I sometimes wish for a printed list. As the recent class of ordained went through their own vows, I said yes inwardly to their promises for myself. I don't remember the words. Ego is involved two ways that I can identify here. The first is in obscuring the words from my memory. The second is by constantly nagging me that I need an external compass to know how to love people when, in fact, that is our most basic human function when we truly connect with each other.

Being so nicely nestled in a relationship makes it easy to want to turn completely towards that wonder and to turn my back on what's outside of it... what seems less safe or savory or comfortable. As it is, my boyfriend, my church, my Self, my friends... all are reminders that I vowed to myself and to others to engage life in a different way when I accepted that mantle. It was a very real thing that happened the day of ordination and my re-affirming those vows means doing my do, so to speak.

I don't know how this will unfold, exactly. I realize that it's easier to not engage woowoo things with Frank because he's a science guy and I can just not talk about things like Reiki and energy and intuition even though he constantly brings them up. I have developed hedging skills that would serve me well as a politician. I am really quite good at just acting like I don't hear questions.

I am now adding to my to-do list two workshops in 2010. I am working on curriculum and materials and they will be taught at The Church Within. Yvonne told me to. She's good at this game. This will be a spring board towards engaging my spiritual life in a way that I look forward to.

It is exciting to step off the boundary that I have perceived separating these 'parts' and diving into the vast ocean that is their inseparable reality.

Announcing...

2009-08-06T07:46:00.000-07:00

Click it! It gets bigger!!!

The freshy-fresh egg center

2009-08-03T12:44:00.000-07:00

I've been talking about chickens for my back yard ever since I became friends with Keverlee Burchett (scroll down to see her bit). When she first mentioned it I just thought she was crazy. Then I became convinced it was a good idea and learned that my friend Michael had not only chickens in his back yard but three beehives as well. Michael is probably not one to use as a benchmark for complete sanity but he's made eccentricity an artform and is one of the most productive humans I've ever known. He has a lot of know-how and I'm very willing to exploit a resource that needs little-to-no renewing. That reminds me I owe him a dinner. Have to get on that.

At any rate, I'm ready to move forward with the chickens. I have enough know-how of my own to build a coop but I am always looking for inspiration. BackyardChickens.com has provided that. Their coop section is varied enough to offer plenty of grist for the mill, so to speak. I'll probably end up with a hybridized coop/tractor design. I'm pretty excited. I'm a little worried about my neighbors. My plan is to have enough hens laying that I can get some buy-in from several in the form of free eggs. Having been broken into five times, I tend to think they don't all have my best interests in mind. I couldn't survive coming home and finding my chickens brutalized and I can't imagine there aren't those kind of kids in my hood. So, fed neighbors would probably insure protected hens.

I'm hoping to continue some convincing of Heather to cover a large portion of her HUGE yard in raised beds. I don't think Kohl would befriend chickens but I can do the egg and fertilizer making at my place. We could have enough garden at her place to feed most of the circle of friends for a large part of the year if we can and freeze creatively. It's another exciting thing to consider.

Bees? YES! I have wanted a hive longer than a coop and I don't see any reason to put it off for much longer. Money is the biggest issue at the moment. Second biggest concern is biting off more than I will chew. I do mean more than I will chew. Like most of us, my most disabling impediment in life isn't, "Can I do this," it's, "Will I?"

What has been the impetus to finally get me moving? Food, Inc.

And the eyes have it

2009-08-02T21:02:00.000-07:00

I'm wearing broken glasses. Near my birthday I climbed into bed after a shower to check email on my phone and my specs were there 'neath me. Not good. I put them back together but they don't wear right now and they fall apart. I got an eye exam the very same day. Great. Then I realized glasses were expensive. I asked for donations for glasses for my birthday and promised any extra to Kiva.org . I didn't actually get as much as expected but I gave some money to Kiva and have money for glasses too.

The frames that I keep finding and loving are HOT! They are the Basic by Swissflex. They are also ridiculously expensive. Two places have had them and both wanted about $520 before taxes. I really like them. And, there is no way in hell I'm spending that money on glasses. It's gross. When I think about all that could be accomplished for that much money I know that I can't just hang it on my face.

So, I'm still looking for something I like and that is affordable. We'll see how it goes.

In other news, Mr Dreamy is still as dreamy as ever. I'm still amazed by all of it.

AND Heather and I stood laughing and crying for a long time today reading/viewing work by Brian Andreas. It was tremendous.

Official Food, Inc. Movie Site - Hungry For Change?

2009-08-02T20:56:00.001-07:00

Official Food, Inc. Movie Site - Hungry For Change?

Fast Forward

2009-07-29T12:15:00.000-07:00

One of the things I have always wanted to know is how things will turn out. I think it's part of my eternal search for security as I imagine it. It's not even real security. It's actually just the feeling that things that are going well will continue to go well. In part, this shows up for me in fantasizing. I imagine what things will be like in a year or two or five. In those times, I wish that I could be sure of feeling as grand in real life as I do in my fantasy world. I am, though, quite aware that not only do I make things up, I also try to rush things along so that I can get to the safe-place I've created in my head.

Because I've been practicing at this for a while, I tend to avoid the potential tragedies that my rushing could bring about. It's harder at other times, though. Self-sabotage is so simple. Everything I need to build a true fuck-up is available at any time. My mouth is the weapon of mass destruction I have at my beck and call.

You may think I'm telling you all of this because I've done some irreparable damage in some domain of my life. I have not. I just think that I'm excited about several things right now and my impulsive nature is pushing hard at the walls of my self-control. I'm winning so far. I've not rented a business space. I've not proposed marriage. I've not purchased a plot of land in Wyoming. I've not bought chickens or goats for my back yard with no way to contain them. Such an impressive list of planned living!

I feel like the little dyke with her finger in the hole, though... wait... I feel like the little Dutch boy with his finger in the dyke... that's not better. What I'm trying to convey is a sense that the building pressure of my nature is threatening my ability to not dance wildly in the street about the things that are oh so lovely or to start screaming about the things that are less than pleasing right now.

I must remember to not be clingy, crazy or controlling. Good fucking luck, me.

I never saw it coming...

2009-07-16T07:28:00.000-07:00

I'm 34. I don't have a problem with it at all. I never enjoyed being young. I have gray hair on the sides and a little on the top and I have a high forehead. It's all going according to plan. I'm not being snarky at all.

When I was 21 I was lucky enough to be part of a core group of people that started Columbus, Indiana's first HIV/AIDS care group. At a coffee one day after a meeting, I was sharing with one of the founders how I was really excited to have such an opportunity at such a young age. She acted shocked and asked, "How old are you?" I could tell that she clearly thought I wasn't so young so I made her guess. Thirty-one. People thought I was older the entire time I was going through my twenties but would always act like they should've known how young I was when they found out. They would respond with, "That explains it." There has often been confusion because of the depth of thought I seem to show at times juxtaposed with how absolutely irreverent and immature I behave at others. I think it's how you get through life. One of my current role models for such behavior, I hope this is a compliment to her, is my adopted, Jewish mother. She is one of the most spiritually wise people I know and also one of the most seemingly irreverent.

I've been trying to make this concept understandable for people for a long time. In my current understanding, things in the world are sacred because of the meaning we apply to them. While that is hard for some to fully accept, the opposite is easier to see. What is profane is completely arbitrary and defined by the culture and society in which it is seen as such. Taboos are made so by the creators of the norms. People make things sacred or profane. Regardless the reason the first person decided something was holy, it was still decided by them.

I'm a big fan of these sacred objects. It's true. But only the ones that I have decided are sacred for me. And I am not all that sacred with those. So, irreverence, to me, is the decision to know that I can hold something as sacred and know with all of my being that there is power in that and that that power is not diminished by my also knowing that it is just a thing that I have named as sacred. In fact, the opposite is true. The highest form of reverence is to acknowledge the power that is within me innately. The power that may reside in my sacred objects is there because of me. No one can take it away. However, I also have the power, through sacred objects, to point you towards what I have come to love if you are willing and desire to take that love into yourself. This is religion. It is how we point again and again back to the source of all that we are as a people. We invite others more fully into themselves so they might find it as well.

I do some interpreting to video for Cassia's synagogue (my Jewish mother). One trip she showed me around the area where they have services and let me see where the Torah's are kept and would have shown me the Torah but she didn't want to go get the gloves and do the washing and the praying and all that is entailed. She was very offhand about it and I was walking around in awe. I tend to hold the sacred of those I care about even more highly than they do. It's how I love. Cassia is all at once completely kosher and keeping of the laws while knowing that those things are for her to do because she was born Jewish and it is just what you have to do because it just is. She says she's not spiritual. I think she might be all Light, personally. Mostly because she says fuck a lot and I particularly like that.

All this is to say that, being 34 (a year older than big J when he was... well, you know) people sometimes seem more apt to accept what I have to offer than when I was in my twenties. I am happy with being older. I am maturing in a way that doesn't make me less ridiculous but in a way that makes me feel... milder. I feel milder in ways that I used to be quite pungent. It is good.

AND my birthday was a rough one. I worked. I didn't do much socially except for an afternoon awesomeness with Greg Gilmore. I was entirely more emotional than I thought I would be. I had to cry on the phone to Heather and say all my crazy out loud to her to get through it and then, out of no where, Frank is driving to my house to be with me because he knows I've had a bad day... he came to my house to hold me without asking first. He just did it. It makes me cry right now, even. The best part is...

I never saw it coming...

Yeah, that's him. :)

Measuring him right

2009-07-05T18:19:00.000-07:00

"There is always something left to love. And if you ain't learned that, you ain't learned nothing. Have you cried for that boy today? I don't mean for yourself and for the family 'cause we lost the money. I mean for him; what he's been through and what it done to him. Child, when do you think is the time to love somebody the most; when they done good and made things easy for everybody? Well then, you ain't through learning -- because that ain't the time at all. It's when he's at his lowest and can't believe in hisself 'cause the world done whipped him so. When you starts measuring somebody, measure him right child, measure him right. Make sure you done taken into account what hills and valleys he come through before he got to wherever he is." Lorraine Hansberry [from Raisin in the Sun]

I can't get this quote out of my head lately. It slips into my consciousness at the oddest times. I think it might be some of the best advice ever. It's so much simpler to befriend someone or to continue to be friends with someone who's in a great place. I'm just going to leave this short and sweet because I think the quote says it all. I'm going to keep letting it bring me back to this lesson again and again and I hope it will start popping into your mind when you most need it.

I'm kind of a girl inside...

2009-06-29T18:11:00.000-07:00

When I was growing up, my friends' parents and my family and such always said I'd grow up to make some woman a good wife. They were wrong about the woman part but I have grown up to be more wifely than I am okay with at times. I've blogged about gender before. It is coming up again but I think I'm in a situation in which I've actually learned from a mistake!

When I was dating Joshua, I was constantly convinced that my wifeyness was a turn-off for him. I thought that his hyper-masculine persona would require the same in return for mutual attraction. At some point I said something about this out loud and he gave me Heather's patented you-fucking-idiot face and said, "Why would you ever think that?" I was so stunned I don't know what happened next. I have been having the same thoughts popping up with Mr Dreamy (his name is Frank btw) but suddenly remembered what Joshua said and decided I would let him tell me if I was doing something that wasn't attractive to him. I'm not particularly effeminate... I did (with Gregory's help) hem Frank's pants into shorts for his new job. I'm crafty.

Gender roles and expectations kind of screw things up. He told me when we first met that he liked that I was masculine. I just thought he might be a little silly from getting hit in the cage. I think, though, that in some ways I'm 'typically masculine' and in other ways I'm just not. What I am recognizing is that doesn't mean I'm not attractive or awesome. It's just me being me. I can't tell you how much different it has sounded this time around to hear friends say, "Just be you." I actually think they might be right. Score one for improved self-esteem.

In other news, he's put me on a diet. Should I be offended? Actually, I was ready to transition to solid food after 6 weeks of protein shakes and of the options in front of me his was the most attractive. It could be that the prospect of someone else creating my menu plan and grocery list was the best part but as it is, I have put my continued body change in his hands and he is handling me gently. It is good.

I got new shoes today, too. I will be faster and jump higher for a limited amount of time. And, yes, they are blue with blue camo. HAWT!

New habits are hard to make!

2009-06-24T08:59:00.000-07:00

Things are changing and only a some of them are at all in my control. I guess that means I'm still alive. I've lost about 15 pounds in the last 6 weeks but as I shift from four protein shakes and one meal a day back to solid food I'm worried it'll all come back. I'm out of the snacking habit, for sure. The problem that I'm facing is that the protein shake consumption eradicated an old, negative pattern of eating but has replaced it with nothing. That void is going to be filled with something and I'm doing my best to make a conscious decision about that. I am also aware that an old habit is threatening my growth in this direction as well.

Growing up I was very picked on. I have shared this in past blogs. One of the reasons that I was picked on is that I was absolutely useless at anything requiring physical skill. I had a complete lack of kinesthetic intelligence. I think that has changed with my continued study of karate but the feeling associated with being in a gym-like situation have not. I'm still so freaked out about it sometimes that it's absolutely ridiculous. The problem is, of course, I learned how to judge myself and others from those people who were mean to me and now I expect that everyone else is doing that as well. It's hardcore.

Things I can control, though, are what I eat and how much I move around to work off what I eat. I am also, in continuing my dzogchen-ish practice, learning that I can continue forward in a situation as a witness to emotions that threaten my resolve. My identity does not reside in those emotions. Where is my mind? Where is my mind? That is the question I come back to still. I am no master at this. I am practicing.

Another thing I can not control is people. How much does that suck!? I've just met this guy who is striking me as pretty effing amazing and I can feel the little naggings of my old shit creeping up. It's been a long time since I've liked someone who is within reach geographically. It seems he's coming from a similar place. We seem to click really well and so, of course, I have had little bits of wondering how I'm going to fuck it up. When those thoughts occur, though, I am telling myself that I never know how I'm going to fuck it up before I actually do and so I might as well enjoy the ride until that time comes should it actually happen. Very wise in theory. I'm hoping to keep on with it because I get a little giddy thinking about him. That will almost guarantee his reading this blog. Universe at work.

In the midst of all that, Mr. Dreamy has asked me to come do his VERY INTENSE AND SCARY WORKOUT with him. I'm so sure I'll fail that it petrifies me to go. Moreover, after however many years of studying and teaching karate, I'm certain that he'll see me 'at it' and wonder what the hell's wrong with me. (He's a martial artist as well but the kind that really gets hit. Kinda crazy when there are so many pretend arts available. It is, however, almost as sexy as his arms which are almost as sexy as his smile.) It has motivated me, though. I've had two of the best karate classes in a long while since meeting him. I am so out of shape but am convinced that the continued weight loss and increased activity will change that.

While all this is negative self-talk is, of course, goofy, it clarifies for me the truth that I am really interested in someone because I'm worried he'll think me not qualified to date him and I just would not really like to hear that right now. The fact is, I probably won't. I keep hearing that I am pretty awesome from people around. Sometimes I even believe it. I am just so used to hearing from myself that I need to learn something new, do something different, be more or less this or that in order to be awesome that it's hard to hear something contradictory and, well, new habits are hard to make.

Looking for something

2009-05-13T10:47:00.000-07:00

I'm still not sure what to the think of the world after my experience at Palyul Temple in Ohio. I'm still living in it, though, so I'm just doing my best. All that has been going to and through my mind has been keeping me from blogging. I've felt like I have to rethink what it is I have to offer the world. Again, unsure.

However, I still have stories. Last week I was preparing to do my daily mantra practice and decided I wanted to draw a nice HUNG to use as part of my initial visualization. I immediately grabbed my bag of 20+ colors of sharpies and was looking for paper. I spied an old blank book I'd had for years and thought it might have a blank page so I opened it up to the middle. The page I opened to had notes on it from when I was in the Ministerial Studies Program that was preparation for becoming an ordained minister at The Church Within. The notes were from The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche. Could've been a coincidence. The page had on it a quote I'd just read from the current Tibetan text I'm reading called The Words of My Perfect Teacher by Patrul Rinpoche. I try to pay attention to such things.

While I was flipping through the notes I'd taken several years ago I found a prayer I'd written down. I assume it's from the book we were studying. A friend of mine who believes only what he sees was recently asking me what I want from Buddhism. He stated that he thinks religion was probably needed when we were evolving into modern humans but that it's become a crutch that limits us. It's hard to answer someone honestly about your aspirations once they've shared that they think everything to do with religion is indicative of character flaws and weakness. In response I wiggled out of it as best I could instead of telling him what I really wanted. The prayer in this notebook sums it up. Do I know that Buddhism can offer that? What do any of us know? Other religions that have touched my life have told me how to secure my own 'salvation' or that I couldn't get what they could get because I wasn't born one. Buddhism offers me a way to offer freedom to all sentient beings. That is the rhythm of my heart.

This is what I want. As usual, I found it while looking for something else.

May I be a protector to those without protection,
a leader for those who journey,
and a boat, a bridge, a passage
for those desiring the further shore.

May the pain of every living creature
be completely cleared away.
May I be the doctor and the medicine.
And may I be the nurse
for all sick beings in the world.

Just like space
and the great elements such as Earth,
May I always support the life of all the boundless creatures.

And until they pass away from pain,
May I also be the source of life.
For all the realms of varied beings
that reach unto the ends of space.

Google says it is from a guide to the Bodhisattva's way of life by Shantideva. It is what I want from whatever path can give it to me.

Show Up!

2009-04-15T19:52:00.000-07:00

I'm currently preparing myself to receive teachings from Dakmar Tulku in Ohio. This has all come about rather rapidly upon my receiving some advice on reading from a friend who is also the person who invited me to the event. I am very excited. More excited than I have been about anything in quite some time. It just feels important and so I am being very attentive to what is happening right now and how I can best present myself to accept the wisdom and the transmissions offered. There will also be a Medicine Buddha Empowerment that I will take part in and experience. This is also very exciting for me as I have worked as a healer for more than 13 years.

In the last week I have been thinking of writing this blog about showing up and how important it is that we show up in response to a discussion with a friend last week about some places that she's feeling uncomfortable and where she is not bringing all of herself. At the time I was too much a commiserate friend and not at all taking the higher ground. What has struck me since and especially since I've been reading and discussing the preparations that will ready me to receive all that I can at Palyul it has become even more evident to me how important showing up really is.

Everything that I bring with me to an event really sets the reality of that event for me. It is what I spoke of in my last talk at church. If I am looking at some guy in an orange vest and hearing him talk that is the meaning it will have for me. If I realize I am hearing the teachings of a fully realized Buddha then I will receive all that there is to offer as I am ready for it. What is required implicitly is my ability to bring all I have to the table as well. If I'm only willing to avail part of my self/Self to the situation then that is all I can expect in return.

Where are you hiding yourself? Where are you putting away the parts of yourself that others might not like? Where are you making up stories about what others might think about you instead of letting them decide? Find those places and start showing up. You deserve it. More importantly, the people you are hiding yourself from deserve it. Show up!

The following is a prayer written for me by my friend Yeshe Lhundrup. May its full realization be upon me. May any positive merit generated by my work and by this blog benefit all sentient beings.

When the Karma of the three times has ripened and your mind manifests as you truly are.
May your Lotus feet remain firm to the path.
May your view be free of obscurations and your every action of body, speech and mind be motivated by compassion to alleviate the suffering of beings.
May each moment display the result as the path that leads to your inner most recognition.
May this life bring humility to your practice and your life be long and fruitful.

Creeds

2009-04-07T07:41:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid I attended a little Presbyterian church that was right next to the house I lived in. While there are endless memories from that place, the one on my mind this morning was about The Apostles' Creed. It was spoken every Sunday morning during the service. We said it as a group. I, however, was a kid and didn't understand that catholic and Catholic were different and I refused to say that line because I wasn't Catholic. I was a Presbyterian, whatever that must have meant at the time, and wasn't going to speak anything other than that. It's funny looking back and thinking about which lines of that statement I wouldn't be willing to speak now knowing what I know. The word catholic would not be a problem.

I came to this thinking because of another creed that I now utter often. At the start of every karate class we speak the words of The Students' Creed. At different times I've thought about the these words and have thought about their implications on my life as a student of karate but moreover, as a person living life in this world. Often times, honestly, I have to stop myself from saying amen at the end if I'm really thinking about what I'm saying.

The creed we use...

I will build true confidence through knowledge of the mind, honesty of the heart, and strength of the body. I will offer friendship to others and strive to build a strong community. I will, as a black belt, win the battle within myself and never fight to achieve selfish ends.

Last Saturday I had a series (of 2) unfortunate run-ins with a higher rank. I suppose the biggest part of it was about differences in perception. Another part continues to be about where he is in his life, karate career, and how he views success and himself in relation to it coupled with how he views me. As it stands, I went to my instructor to talk about my interaction with him, the email exchange that followed it, and where I am on it now because that is where the buck stops for me. I leaned that my instructor has had a similar exchange with this same guy about things not related to me and is feeling pretty much as I did and do feel now.

Sensei and I had a good conversation about what's going on in all of it if one strips away the 'situation' and looks at it without so much filtering. It was very good. I spoke of the positive take-aways for me. I have been more willing to look at this person's feedback regardless the manner in which he's offering it and discerning where I need to make adjustments. The other, more important, behavioral adjustment on my part was that I didn't just buy what this guy had to say about another friend's involvement. When I was about to shoot off a pissy text I decided to man-up and call my good friend and ask where he stood on all of it. What I found was that he and I were clearly at different places with opinions but that he had not been part of a bitch session as I'd been lead to believe. I could have followed an old pattern and just believed what I made up based on poor information and screwed up one of my most growth inducing and longest standing friendships. I'm glad I took a breath and thought it through.

Karate can be a weird thing. As a second degree black belt I am to have no opinions of a higher rank. In my normal school setting, there is only one higher rank and there is no power struggle there at all. He has been my instructor since the start and there is no question about how things are set up. It's just easy. In part it is because of my perception of him. More than that, as he and I discussed last night, is that he has no question about his role and who he is. He is not looking at my willingness to blindly nod and submit as validation for his "power" because it just isn't a question. The rest of the time I'm working with people who are of the same rank as me or lower. It has been a great experience in that we have all benefited from sharing ideas related to teaching, practice, improvement, and some pretty honest feedback about where we are, where we've been, and where we need to head in our martial arts work. The point is, we all see it as a journey that doesn't end. Karate continues to be one of the most transformative practices of my life.

The point of all this is that right after this discussion with my sensei I bowed onto the mat for black belt class and spoke that creed. I looked at him and think that we were having a similar experience. That creed drives our lives. Our lives also drive that creed. I can't say that for this other person who I've been having trouble with. I can say that I need to figure out how to make that unimportant to me. I am responsible for myself, my school, and my students. I have to trust that higher ranks are on their own journey and my work is simply to do my best for my students in the presence of others. I recommitted myself to my vows of ministry with the last ordination class as I sat silently on the stage and they made their own promises. I am recommitting myself to these vows as well. If they are just words then my karate practice is just empty movement. That is not how I choose to spend my time. I choose to more and more be the action behind the symbolism of my words.

Video from ABC News about gay bashing in a sports bar.

2009-04-05T11:36:00.000-07:00

This made me tear up a little. Thanks America. I am going to try and believe in you more.

Signed, Sealed, Delivered...

2009-04-05T11:01:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I attended the 40th birthday party of my friend Jay. I walked into the day as I would any social situation, wondering if I'd manage to socialize like a normal human or end up looking for a way out. It was easier than usual in that I pulled up at the same time as Jim Fore and was able to walk in with him. Then someone recognized me from an online pagan men's forum and we had a really good chat. From that chat I somehow managed to segue into another and then another conversation. I met a friend from Twitter who lives in NYC who happens to also be friends with Jay and his partner Scott as well as their friend Jeffrey who I had visited for a long weekend in St. Louis once. It was quite the party and I socialized as if I don't have any anxiety about parties at all! I also re-connected with Pepper Partin. She is a writer and fabulous human I've had the opportunity to brush up against at parties before. I really hope to connect with her this time in a deeper way as I really respect her and the work of hers I've known. She and her partner are building an 'urban ranch' on their property in historic Irvington. How awesome is that!?

At any rate, none of this is the point. The point is that I gave Jay a piece of art for his birthday. Not just art, but something I made myself. It is the first time I have framed a piece of my own work that I can remember. It is the first time I have signed something I've made since I was in high school. It was amazing to work myself up to that. At first it was this thinking, "If it's going to be a gift it has to be framed." I used a really nice frame that I had at home with a nice black matte board. That part was easier. The decision to sign it, though, was harder. Signing this thing I'd made was like stating to the world, "I'm an artist." I don't think of myself in those terms. I like to make stuff but it doesn't feel like what I think artists do. I know some artists.

The gift was a hit, though, and I was and am excited about that. It is also going to be a new practice. I realize that I must start signing all of my "art." It's okay to lay claim to what we present to the world whether it comes from us or through us. I think, in fact, that it is a way of offering gratitude to the muses of genious and beauty who bring to and through us the gifts we offer. So, I'm thinking that way regardless of what it is. I feel as if some part of me is more full with this owning of this gift. I don't know if that makes sense. Words are hard for this one.

Below is a digital version of what I gave him. Print it. Before you put it anywhere, though, sign it. Its yours too. Remember? You are all only here to bring me to my enlightenment so that I may fully recognize you in yours. May you sign this image and remember your own Buddha nature. May you reflect back to others theirs as well.

God doesn't care...

2009-04-01T09:57:00.001-07:00

I used to have a boss who is Jehovah's Witness. It was easy to ask her questions about her religion for some reason. When a JW is at the door I immediately want them to leave because questions seem to make them think I'm about to convert. I'm not. Asking her, though, was different because she knew I wasn't at all interested in anything other than gathering information. I like to have a good base of first-hand knowledge about things.

One of the things that most disturbed me about the religion was the idea that God had created the universe and then basically said, "buh-bye" and left us to our own ends. It was disturbing to me then. Now I think it is closer to my own, current conceptualization of what that word God means.

I was thinking in the shower this morning, as I often am, about the bigger concepts of life and how I fit into the game of the world. I was thinking about a friend whose status update I had just read on facebook. He's a guy I've seen several times over the last 12 or 13 years in random gay bars. He was when I first met him struggling with being gay and Christian. I randomly messaged him on fb a couple of weeks ago to see how that has all worked out because he's living as a Christian musician and tours with his music pretty much full time.

In our email discourse he was first, I think, a little shocked how much I remembered about our past conversations as compared to his not really knowing who I am. It happens. Beyond all that, he still seems to be living his life at least celibate if not completely "ex-gay." I'm not sure as he didn't say such straight out. He did, though, invite me to coffee with the stipulation that I "respect his choices" as he would respect mine. I haven't responded to the email.

Today there was a picture next to his update that looked like some kind of evangelical situation where someone was being saved. I don't know if that's what it was because it was a thumbnail on my phone but I know that it brought up some emotions in me. I was pissed, to be honest. I went through this whole train of thought about how his 'choice' has been to travel around lying to people about religion and God and god and Jesus and it pissed me off.

In my version of his story, which I realize I have written in my head more than gathered from him, the church convinced him it was wrong to be gay. They told him if he loved Jesus enough that Jesus would cure him of his affliction so he would no longer be an abomination to God. When the urge didn't go away to love men he became celibate. Now he travels around selling that same bullshit message to other people struggling with being gay or loving someone who is gay. It really got me going.

In the conversation I was rehearsing with him on my way to the shower I thought, "God doesn't care if you're gay." That turned into, "God doesn't care about anything we do." Once in the shower that connected to what Jehovah's Witnesses believe. It's not the same, I know. The sentence took on a new meaning for me, though. I do not have an 'out there' concept of God. I don't think there was some intelligent designer who created all of this that we then fucked up with our free will. I don't think there is some being that is punishing the world for people being gay or having abortions or eating pork.

What I believe is that God happens between us. I DO believe we are all connected. I believe that we have a responsibility to ourselves and each other. That is the practice that moves me through life and encourages me to find new ways to be of service. I'm not sure I'm so good at it but I'm working on it.

This week I have been focusing on being of service to those who are in positions to be serving me... Starbucks, restaurants, phone call centers... however I'm engaging the world that way. I always expect good service from them regardless their lives outside of whatever work they are doing. I always want them to be focused on me and what I want. Selfish. Not okay.

I've also realized that my being in a position to teach must be the most humbling thing in my life. The idea that someone would come to me to learn is astonishing sometimes. There were a couple of situations, I think, in which I was bullying and realized how absolutely not okay that is for me. I am working on that. I'm dedicating my teaching time more intentionally.

God doesn't care.

I care.

You care.

We care together.

That is what I think religion has been trying to point us to. What has happened, though, is some people at the top rung of the dogma ladders around the world and through time decided we weren't doing it right and added shit to scare us into behaving better. Now the world is following concepts that put God not only outside of each individual self but outside of others too. If you remember that everyone is an essential part of God, how could you do anything but love them? You couldn't, not if you really knew it beyond belief and faith. You would cherish each and every human as sacred and holy and essential in the fabric of life.

It seems like "God doesn't care" should be a bleak commentary on life but I am finding it to be the most empowering thought I could have at the moment. My dear friend Heather sent me a text message recently that read something like, "I asked God why he let such horrible things happen and didn't do anything to help and God said back, 'I did do something. I sent you.'" It's cliche and 'made up' but it made me cry. I think it's true.

If there is anything that your God, regardless what you call God, can do for this world, it will be through you because, honestly, God doesn't care. God is not omnipotent, God is powerless without you. You, however, have power beyond your imagination. Test it by making an hour of your day about making other people smile no matter what is going on with you. It's amazing.

12 Pairs of Legs... Superhero!

2009-03-23T09:39:00.000-07:00

Refuge(e)

2009-03-18T16:53:00.000-07:00

This Flowing Toward Me by Sr. Marilyn Lacey was recommended to my by a good friend a few weeks ago. As he was suggesting I read it and I was telling him I wouldn't promise but that I would try, I was ordering it from Amazon. It was a great read with a message that has really been working its way into my being.

Lacey began her work with refugees when the Hmong people were arriving from Viet Nam in the late seventies and has stayed with the work ever since. As with most things that I encounter I thought for a moment, "I wonder if I want to do that?" I gave it some thought and decided that I couldn't validate my moving to another country to work with refugees when there were people who needed support right in my own neighborhood. It's just not how I'm called. The idea of going over seas and really working in the midst of it is attractive to me but in the same ego based way that much of that kind of martyred service is. I don't want to do it because it is my calling. I want to do it because it seems like such an amazing thing to do.

The word refugee can be defined as one who seeks refuge. That is an important definition to me because of the use of the word in Buddhism. There are vows that mention taking refuge in the three jewels of the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Sangha. I think that any spiritual seeker is one who seeks refuge. I think every day, all of us are seeking refuge. Our belief that we are not safe or sheltered is so constant because of not only our circumstances but also through media and marketing that we reach for whatever thing we can find that will protect us from... well, from everything else!

As I began reading her text I cried. As I continued reading the teachings, I cried. As I finished the book, I cried. I couldn't stop crying. It broke me open. There are so many stories. It's not the dire situations that brought the tears. It is the way that Lacey focuses on how they opened her. It is how I think Christianity should be, if I may say should as a non-Christian. There is all this talk of Jesus' death and how he died for us and so we should feel bad and so little talk of how he lived and how his living can model a way for us to open up to others.

This book is less about seeking refuge and more about offering it. It is about the theology of hospitality. That is what I am taking home. I see that there are ways that I may offer comfort for everyday refugees. I only need eyes to see them. Where can we all be that. What can we do to off safety and shelter to those around us? How can we extend the circle of our acceptance so broadly, as Lacey directs, that there is no one outside it?