Queer Juan

Cat Scratch Disease

2009-09-06T17:39:00.008+08:00

the culprit who scratched me (he's a fine one though)

I was sick for the entire weekend, actually it started last Thursday. I had subsequent fevers. The first night I had fever I was super chilling. Every inch of my body seemed to be shaking (like getting electrocuted). Now after a couple of days I can't be more than happy to be well again. Thank God!

As much as I'd want to have dogs, my father had never allowed us to have dogs inside the house. We've had a few dogs from before, but technically they're from next door - like those poor impoverished dogs of my late grandma and sad to say they'd gone past too.

Well I can say for sure that I was a cat-lover in my younger years. I had a few pet cats who stayed with me for a very long time. The first one, I think he died of old age. The second one still lives with me and is also getting senile....plus promiscuously female!(sorry, that somewhat sounds sexist). Just as celebrity moms were busy with that 'baby bump' season, that cat also got preggers twice in a row. Now we've got plenty of 'em out there. Her first generation offsprings are mature now, but the second generation cats are still growing.

They seem pretty harmless....well that was what I thought then!

One time I was feeding the cats outside 'coz their not allowed inside the house (there are so plenty of 'em, we can't manage!) and I got scratched by one of the adult cats...OUCH! It really hurt. They must've been so hungry.

I started having fever, I was lethargic and my trunk muscles were fatigued. I also had sore throat. All the other symptoms were fine with me except for the nagging high body temperature. I'm chilling all the time while it was storming outside (adding insult to injury....haha).

I found out I had Cat Scratch Disease or commonly known to be Cat Fever. It's caused by a bacteria from the cat's saliva and causes an infection when the infected cat bit or scratched a human. It may possibly be transmitted through the fur as well which contains the bacteria. Basically the disease is self-limiting so it's not really that severe.

As for me, in my years of petting with cats I'm just wondering how come I only just got this now? My sister also manifested very similar symptoms but she got sick before me. That's how I learned.

Now I dunno if I should be scared of cats.

Remnants from the Pageant Night

2009-09-06T15:39:00.003+08:00

I hooked up the camera to dig on some files and unexpectedly this picture popped - these were remnants of my first design job done a couple of days ago. The choker was made out of waste fabrics, I think they were used at department stores and stuffed inside bags to make them look full. I used strips of denim as tie fasteners, the same with the tulle bib which was ornamented with cut shards of CDs. Thinking I've hoarded plenty of waste materials, I didn't get enough satisfaction so I glued all the bolts, screws and other metal implements (I forgot now since metallurgy class). It was 4 am after hustling everything when I idly went to get my camera only to find out there wasn't enough battery. I've somehow forgotten now that I've actually taken this one photo.

Last Wednesday, I was invited by my sister to watch the coed pageant show for their school. A privilege since I designed some of the costumes for the two constestants. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to come because I started feeling unwell that night. I was feverish. The next morning, my sister told me everything that transpired that night.

It was both good and bad news, nonetheless, bittersweet.

The girl contestant whom I designed for, won almost all the major awards but came second best at the end. The guy was hardly winnable (because allegedly he was drunk and walked tipsy on stage!).

But when it came to the girls, my sister said she was the favorite and the darling of the crowd that night. My sister was very outrageous narrating the unlawful fiasco at the Q%A segment of the pageant show, lamenting why her contestant failed to win the crown and justifying that she answered better than the one who won the pageant.

how the Q&A transpired:

Question: Are you in favor of a woman president?....and why?

Girl1(winner): "Of course, I am in favor. Just like Cory Aquino...she was the mother of democracy."
##wolfwhistle!!!###

Girl2(whom my sis was coaching for): "Yes, I am in favor.....(makes an awkward pause and covers mouth)....because women are good leaders.....they know how to manage the country."

Now, between the two girls I thought too that Girl2 had a better answer than Girl1. Girl1 who also happens to be the winner only used Cory Aquino as an example and didn't really make a substantial answer. Noh? Yet she won so what can I do.

Despite the injustice, I'm grateful she took home a handful of awards:

1. Best in Production
2. Best in Interview
3. Best in Lingerie
4. Best in Jeans Wear
5. Most photogenic

So even though she was only second best (1st runner up) it was fair and square the fact that she won almost all those awards....and compliments for me and my costumes (I don't know if I should give my self credit)....at least the judges recognized and appreciated the clothes I've made.

What a night!....to forget!...not remember....hehe.

My first design challenge

2009-09-01T09:38:00.008+08:00

It had been a grueling week. Since last Thursday, I started working on making costumes for a show assigned to me by my sister who was in charge in their school department. I had to create a pair of looks for two separate categories: lingerie and denim wear which will be worn by their contenders. I had to create 4 COSTUMES!!! in less than a week. Whew!

I made the sketch above for the guy's lingerie outfit. I had a clear vision of what the guy would look like unfortunately I can't have all my ideas pitched because we were a little tight on the budget. I'm not sure but somehow I remember I had this look from a john galliano men's show a long time a go and it was still vividly carved on my brain. That served as my inspiration. I was thinking of a stovepipe hat on the guy but they changed it to a SWIMCAP! (why oh why) I guess they must've thought lingerie and swimwear are relevant things....(hehehe) Okay...let's just say he has transcontinental undergarments so he doesn't need to wear a swimming outfit and strip off to the beach a la French Riviera with the nautical stripes. (that's some kooky story) Maybe I should call it modest Homoeroticism. I had to hand sew the top out of black tulle which wasn't the intended frabric but we hadn't found what I wanted so I was forced to work with the rigid garment. It was nice though. I didn't expect at all that I had enough technical dexterity to work with patterns and measurements. (And heck I was able to make officially my first shirt through patterns!) I realized I love patterns! The tulle though was very cumbersome to sew because of the big mesh holes making it difficult to anchor the thread so I had to devise my own technique for it to resist the fabric.

I had encountered some backbreaking technical problems when it came to doing the girl's lingerie. My idea was a modern glamazon woman but then my sister insisted it should be victoria's secret....(well, what can I do?) Okay, ask me to make a sweet cutie patootie pussy....with the typical blown-up proportions of a variety show. I didn't want the wings and thankfully I didn't have to produce the thing, because they just had to rent it. I made the two-piece with a boho crown. I had the idea of putting fresh flowers but resorted to artificial ones because of the budget and the apprehension that the fresh flowers might not last the show. On the bandeau, I made an oversized corsage with a large flower (knock-off!) as the focal piece and accented with roses on the sides. The flowers were laid on branches to make them really look organic. I had a problem sticking it on because it wouldn't stay upright so I put some tulle, made them look like an asymmetrical one shoulder to anchor the branches to it.

The denim wear was by far the most challenging. How do I create denim and make them futuristic? At first, I thought of creating a dress out of denim but my sister declined the idea because she deemed we hadn't enough time and of course....she reiterated all the time that they were conventionally suppose to wear them like pants.

I made a quick visceral sketch but I don't have it now. I wish I could show it here but it's lost. I conceptualized that it should be a modern gladiator with all the metal elements to make it futuristic. But because of the time, I had to be reality bound and worked with whatever materials I had on hand. I was very thrilled to do it but because I was too exhausted I ended up making a 'crap project'. I was working the denim to the last minute. From last night until 4 in the morning. I made a hipster black head band with fringes of beads to conceal half of the wearer's face, the band was applied with shards of mirrors which I produced by mirror glass pounded with a hammer. I also used some old optical discs and cut them with a scissor (my hands were swelling)....it was very tedious work! The fragments of the disc I applied on the bib, fashioned like an egyptian goddess's choker. I literally threw some gold and silver enamel paints on the pants which I ripped like a mad man. I glued some wasted bolts and rivets I got from my father's shop...hehehe...without permission.....some sequins and beads which I dismissed a litttle early ( I realized I'm no christophe de carnin...a la balmain) ....I really had to hustle!

At the end of all my laborious toils I produced two pairs of pants with all its trashy and glamorous but agonizing glory. My sister liked it very much. I hope they'll like it.

Now I'm just glad its over. Just one of the design jobs at the moment...becoming a 'bogus' fashion designer, and I'm expecting no monetary attribution (tsk....tsk). It's okay, it's all for the love of art and maybe fashion. It's just funny how people only come to you when they need your help. That happens to me a lot. Well, I guess I'll always be the helper through and through. It's not the money but really it's all about the things that I've learned today and in the past few days that matter:

like....
1. Making compromises.
2. That many people don't know the difference between swimwear and lingerie (yikes!).
3. That I can literally sew a shirt out of patterns.
4. That sewing beads and sequins is not a piece of cake!
5. Resourcefulness
6. That all the painstakingly laborious process of making costumes....all the bruises...swells....puncture marks (the needle went right through my ring finger...ouch!)....all the burns (from the glue gun)....all the sweat....plus blood were all worth it once I see all my beautiful creations.....it's such a wonderful gratifying feeling.

I had fun!

Desperately Depressed

2009-08-26T12:00:00.009+08:00

I think it's been almost 3 years now that I've been suffering from depression (self-imposed).

All the time I get bouts of upsetting thoughts and regardless how I try to shake them off my head....or smack my head on some hard concrete (nay! not literally) it keeps coming back. I'm hypersensitive to things around me....I don't know why. I contemplate so much on what others think of me. I always blame my self even though bad things happen beyond my control. And there are times when I withdraw my self to friends and even to my family; I just lock my self inside my bed....not wanting to talk to anybody.

I read books that I'm so enthusiastic at first, then dispose it deciding the author's style was lame all of a sudden. I get unreturned text messages grudging on friends I said hello to the other day. I forget things every 5 minutes (this is sooooo true).

Oh what the hell is wrong with me!

My brain is deteriorating.

...hopefully not.

Well, I made my research (with my quack doctor instincts) and came across this test.

I don't get enough self-gratification when reading or drawing any more than I used to.

I'm scared of people.

I could really punch my sister when I reach boiling point in our messy squabbles....(no I don't want to punch her....perhaps my brother...hehe)

I don't need an alarm clock.

A few months ago I sought help from an older friend, a psych major and asked if she knows what anti-depressants can ease my sorrows. She laughed and thought i was too young to be emotionally burdened, believing it was only a phony joke. But she discussed about Prozac. I went to the drugstore but came home empty handed because the anti-depressant drug was indispensable, unless in possession of a credible prescription from a doctor (how foolish!)

Now I just need to keep busying around.

In the meanwhile....my sisters hooking me with a job for an upcoming affair in their school. She's working as an instructor there and wants me to help designing some stuff! Can't wait to get busy again!

Weight Issue

2009-08-24T23:04:00.011+08:00

While it seems politically correct for moms to comment on their children's diminishing body weight (or in my case, my mom's fretting over it), it's also a universal truth to be told that the rest of the world are profusely losing all the calories to stay 'fit'.

As for me, I've been rail thin ever since the world began. Wow. Sounds like a quote borrowed from a celebrity bragging about his/her anorexic body. But yes, that's really true.

Why it's bad to be malnourished (subjective reasons)

1. I don't tire easily but when I'm exhausted I find it hard to breathe
2. Expect to catch a cold or flu once in a while ( all the time!)
3. My butt hurts when I sit on a chair for too long....wahaha...('coz there's not enough fats to cushion my bony arse)
4. When I wake up in the morning as I stretch my body the first thing I feel are my bony ribcages - like a cadaver!
5. Metabolism runs faster than an intel processor likewise I get hungry all the time.

For the good reasons

1. Being thin - I can literally make a breezy pass through a broken window pane (one 20x20 square) and makes a perfect escape/en route whenever necessary while not getting caught! (exhibitionist)
2. I'm so thin - and I'm so fabulous (fashion wise)
3. I don't have a problem when it comes to fitting clothes
4. I can eat all the time (fatties are jealous of this!)
5. The scale doesn't look scary!

Well, like most days I checked my self on the bathroom scale and my weight hasn't changed (duh...as always). But after putting this BMI widget on my blog I immediately tested the gadget and took a few moments before I could swallow the results.

that confims it!

1600 calories a day....or more if I need to gain some weight

I need at least 25 lbs to reach this ideal body weight range (choke!!)

Okay...enough!

But it's truly daunting me....maybe I should really listen to my mom. I need to eat whereas some people would kill just to have my body weight. So what should I do?

this sounds promising....I'm not endorsing this brand of milk but I'm curious.
So this might help me resolve my weight issue.

After all, I've got to take care of this body.

Happy slumber!

Dream diary: Bloody hands

2009-08-23T00:25:00.018+08:00

I don't always remember my dreams - I think it's normal to say that. Some days, I just get up from bed, shrugging off my hefty blanket . And to me that's pretty good. Because it occurs to me that the latter day went off nicely which reflects on my subsconscious being undisturbed or having a stable mental state.

The other night's slumber was also good (well, I slept like a log) but I woke at the end of that sleep with a vivid memory of a figurative dream....the first thoughts on my head. Slowly pulling those threads from my subsconscious, I remembered a lot....it was an assortment of dreams but one was exceptionally worth telling.

I remember it was a two-fold story, one where I was merely an audience to a scenario and the other where I was the subject. Both were symbolic and thematically involved a body part - hands.

In the first part I was just a spectator to a scene with which the central figures were my 4 year old niece Yna and a rooster. Other people were there including my parents and they seem to be coaxing Yna not to touch the rooster, though the stubborn brat that she was, deliberately held her hand to touch the animal. And the squeamish animal or probably undomesticated struck its beak on Yna's hand. Then blood came oozing from the wound. From my viewpoint, I felt palpably worried about Yna. But the rest of us just stared at the copious blood pouring from Yna's hand.

I didn't know how to interpret this one. According to my research, the rooster which I suppose a dream symbol represents persistence and being outspoken - two of the strong traits that Yna have. Symbolically the rooster hurt my niece so would that mean Yna's going to end up getting hurt by being herself....or by being generally stubborn 'coz she really is a bratty uptight kid (at the moment)? Of course I love her. Smells like a warning to me.

Now with the second part, I dreamed of my own hand getting cut vigorously and rapidly by scissors. Although, there was no blood. But I remember I felt a visceral feeling of pain.

scissor:
The process of dividing something into smaller pieces or sections, such as breaking down a problem in order to analyze it

The way I analyze this is that I'm probably (and hopefully) will get pretty busy one of these days. I hope to be working on some things soon. Work! work! And there goes my hands:

hands:
The ability to get things done, being "handy," or "handling things"

A premonition.

We'll see....

But for now I've got to get some rest.

Sweet dreams and a happy slumber to all!

Soundtracks of the Moment

2009-08-19T23:20:00.020+08:00

"Music is my hot hot sex" that's one spanking quote to borrow from a Brazilian indie band who call themselves CSS ( canse dei sexy)....at least those were the terms I got away with listening to indie pop music previously. Not that their lyrics are too vulgar but because they just spilled into words what music really means essentially for most people....akin to HOT sex! Or if anyone could ever describe music better than that!

Sometimes I can remember life moments through a particular song. I can totally say my rock and roll days are OVER.....gone and dead! (mayber for now) Hence, I'm now making my way around pop music. Most of these songs I've downloaded during last summer - a dose of cheerful, psychedelic, kind of music. The undertone of the music is RELAX, but really its overall feel is that of a heady loungy atmosphere.

Karaoke Smash-up...(hahaha)

"We are always trying to be STRONGEST....at our weakest points" (so so true, but just by the lyrics I can tell this hot guy is insensitive....mmmm)

The chorus of this song will suffice:

"One journey for you but it's worth it....One life here with me and it's magic" (perhaps the laments of a broken long distance relationship?)

"Your love is out....believing despite the loss" (a casual breakup....on the dancefloor???)

I can whip up a poem with all these songs....though I'm no prolific poet.

Battery Replacement Tutorial

2009-08-19T16:45:00.007+08:00

My ipod is getting old. It barely lasts for an hour now no matter how many times I've charged the thing.

Alas! I've found a video at youtube that might help me solve the problem. I'm no techie - and maybe I'm just too lazy, perhaps timid to have it fixed with a technician so I've decided I'm going to fix it my self. This promising video makes it look so easy though.

So now, the next thing on my to-do list is to procure those materials. There's a flaw in the plan however, my ipod doesn't come like the one on the video, it doesn't have any slots and neither do I need to use a guitar pick to open it. Instead, mine has screws on it....therefore, I need to find a teeny tiny screw driver to prop the thing open. And of course I need a new battery.

Hopefully, I can perform this very technical operation successfully. Otherwise, I'll have to buy a new one. Imagine living without an IPOD!!! (the thought already makes the lacrimal glands in my eyes water)....huhuhu...that can't HAPPEN!

No way!

Well for the ipod battery, I'll put my best hopes that it will work just as good as a new one. I heard reviews and stories online about substandard ipod batteries overheating and BOOM!!!...catasTROPE! That's very dangerous. Other substandard batteries they say also don't last very long.

Dream diary: Nightmares and an Erotic Pool Party

2009-08-16T22:55:00.012+08:00

Since I was very young my sleeps were often disturbed by nightmarish dreams. I can still remember how dreadful those dreams were: like being chased by adult men in sunglasses and I would run as fast as I can thinking they're gonna abduct me or something (you know how your elders often scare you about kidnappers as a kid!) and I would hit them with my slippers when that part comes that I'd get stuck in a dead end. In grade school when I used to sleep with my mom I feel this weird paralyzing sensation in my sleep: I can't move then something creepy happens like a walking skeleton coming towards me (so bone chilling). Or a dark silhoutte of a man. Poor me. Those were the slightest memories of bad dreams I had as a child.

When I grew older, my sister knew about my twilight agonies so she gave me a scapular (oh holy!). Since then my nightmares stopped....I make a prayer for it before I fall asleep. Those nightmares probably contributed to my nocturnal habits - I usually stay up late doing my homework or cramming on some crap projects. Just to kill the time. I don't get that much sleep but thankfully sleeping has not been that LIFE THREATENING!....haha. Someday I plan to go to a Psycho analyst, to give light on my R.E.M. problems .

Hence, I'm keeping a virtual logbook for my dreams. Dreams are just fascinating to me especially how to interpret them in real life which are oftentimes and incidentally opposite to what really happens. There was a time I felt very worried about the condition of my Lola (grandma), my dreams told me her days were numbered. Eventually she passed away this year. At least I was able to spend some time with her before she left.

Now I don't have any recurring nightmares. These days I'm accompanied by pretty random dreams usually relating to the past and often occur in early mornings. Like in a book I've once read, it says generally most dreams visit mortals at the earliest light of day.

Last night, I had a strange one however. It was a haphazard mix of nostalgic acquaintances, rough scenery and bizarrely erotic. I dreamt about mostly some of my old school friends....and others were my high school classmates. I did a quick shower and with that childish awkward reflex, had to dress hurriedly after realizing I was naked. Moving on....I could make out the rough ambience of the water....and on that bay I could see very tall seaweeds like beanstalks transparent underneath the water which creeped me out so instead I went on a pool or a body of water that was very deep. The water was a deep murky green! And there were girls racing to the other end like dolphins. While waddling on the water, I saw a bunch of those familiar looking guys all naked!....on a patch of cobblestones I could clearly see their endowments. I know those guys and one of them was Michael...he was naked like I said....but I don't know why my dream seems too focused on him like a protagonist of a story. And weirdly enough he was blowing his own cock!!!....

what the ?????? was wrong with my dream last night!!!!....with a feature presentation: Self - fellatio. wahahaha! (though, I'm not fetish to that) It was like a sexcapade porn clip....falcon studios!

I woke up this morning with a hard-on. How couldn't I? Today I was wondering. Probably it's what I'm getting after viewing a lot of porn stuff on the net....hehe.

Last night's dream was quite hedonistic plus bizarre but nonetheless erotic.

About

2009-08-15T17:19:00.007+08:00

If Teddy can only talk

How do I describe this blog?

Well, basically it's just another gay oriented blog.

I'd like to think this is my personal journal so I can vent out my frustrations and joys of living a gay life.

It's not easy being gay you know.

that's a FACT.

Juan is a spanish name but I took it from Philippine Literature, particularly from a story entitled Juan Tamad (lazy juan)

If you have any comments or suggestions....or perhaps any interesting content you'd like to share with me....pls contact me thru:

queerjuan@gmail.com

Cough and Sweat

2009-08-15T14:30:00.008+08:00

This will be the pilot post for my blog. I'm so drenched in sweat right now, there's just something strange with the weather today. The clouds are graying and dismal outside and yet it feels as hot as hell here, seated in my battered stool that's not helping me lift the discomfort. I wish the weather would be straightforward enough to cause a heavy downpour, just to wash out the humid air. Though I know people will find the weather detestable as they slowly leave this house.... and I'm left alone. (Snicker!!) Lately I'm feeeling this weird coughing sensation in my lungs....I'm baffled why. I haven't been sick lately but this is probably due to exhaustion from last night. I stayed up late while making some fixes for this humble blog of mine....which goes to saying that I'm gonna need plenty of rest. No matter how I gobble (yikes!) per meals this rail thin body of mine is not augmenting a single peg on the scale, I'm still peaky l'est I need to eat and sleep more. I promise to turn in early tonight.

And oh...I almost forgot about that annoying ipod of mine. This recurring technical problem with it has been happening for some time now. I'm quite sure it has something to do with the battery and I'm no tech savvy to fix it. I was so pissed last night after my ipod died out even when I charged it earlier. And today the same thing happened. Poor ipod. It's finally nearing its last days. I should probably get more info on how to revive the thing 'coz for sure I can't have a new one.

What a life!....

and oh....allow me to say hello....(in sweats)

to the world since this will be my first post.