“Isn’t it funny how day by day, nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different?”

I’m not sure who said it, but it is so, so true. I find myself weekly, even daily, looking at my children and feeling like it has always been like this. In my mind, I know they started as tiny little babies, but in my day to day mindset nothing has changed…ever. Danny has always been silent, has made no progress. Eric has always been this amazing, imaginative, talkative kid. With Danny especially, I get this mired feeling sometimes, because if nothing has changed, nothing ever will.

So I took a look back…

A year ago, Eric wasn’t even talking in full sentences. He was trying – “What we buy?” – but the grammar just wasn’t there. He was just barely starting to use the potty, and consequently, was peeing all over my house. He was so…young.

A year ago, Danny barely understood a word we said. He had just learned to take off his headpieces, never mind rip them to pieces, take the harness off, or (gasp!) put them back on. He was just taking his first independent steps, one or two at a time, but did not walk. He babbled only with vowels; there were no consonants, and certainly no word approximations.

Sometimes, I need to look back to see how far we’ve come, and to realize that maybe – just maybe – in a year things will be so much different, so much better. Isn’t it funny how nothings changes, but nothing stays the same? It’s this that is so well worth being a parent: watching them grow, seeing how far they have come, and knowing it’s only the beginning.

What a crazy journey it is.

Needless to say, we could go through a lot of them at breakfast time. I would buy one of those boxes of Eggo mini pancakes and go through it in a week. (And no, I don’t only feed them pancakes, even at breakfast… They’ll at least eat bananas with them, and Eric some sausage, but the pancakes, man… That’s what it’s all about.) That stuff gets expensive, though, when you go through it as quickly as I do. So why not make my own and freeze them?

If I’m going to make my own pancakes to freeze, though, I decided to go all out. I can hardly claim to have thought this up myself; John found the idea, and even bought the ketchup and mustard bottles to make it happen. I’m just the one that busted them out! We’ve had the idea of making shaped pancakes in our heads for quite a while, but I hadn’t quite gotten brave enough to do it. I also thought I would need some kind of special recipe, but nope… A box of Aunt Jemima pancake mix following the box’s instructions worked perfectly.

Seriously, I was surprised how easy it was.

It took a little work to get the hang of it. I’d broken out the big cast-iron griddle, but as quickly as the pancakes cooked at this size, I could only keep half of it going. I found that low heat worked best as well; otherwise, the pancakes would cook faster than I could “draw” them and you’d be able to see each individual line that I drew to fill it in.

This is definitely going to happen more often! Danny didn’t really care about the shapes, he just gobbled the pancakes as quickly as he could, but one side effect of shaping them is that I could control the size; they were small enough that I could just give them to him instead of having to cut them up. Eric, however, though they were awesome, especially the race cars (which had to have spoilers, aka “this thing that makes them super fast, Mommy!”) and his special E pancakes.

Me, I’m loving the language that I can work into these. Yes, I’m “that” mom… I think all AVT moms are. Think of all the words and language opportunities here! Shapes are super easy to make, different sizes for big and small, and pretty much naming anything else I can draw out for him, all in fun-sized and delicious packages he loves. Plus plenty of chances to offer choices – do you want the circle or the square? The Mickey Mouse or the race car? I’ve also read that a little food coloring can land you with colored pancakes, but I wasn’t that brave with the first round.

Anything the boys didn’t gobble down I put in a bag in the freezer laid out in layers with wax paper between them. I’m looking forward to pulling them out and seeing how good they are after the fact!

That’s not to say there are amazing things going on. Danny is still very quiet, stubborn, and overall 2. There’s little things, though. Baby steps of progress.

He’s got an emerging “d” sound that isn’t quite d yet – more of a cross between a G and a D – but it’s coming.

He’s using his left hand more and more to assist in tasks. He’s never going to be left handed, but he pulls that left hand in more and more to stabilize toys and help in the things he’s doing.

Most excitingly, he’s putting his ears on as well as taking them off. It isn’t always, and he still takes them off (all the way, not just off his head), but the other day I knocked one off while holding his hand in a parking lot, and his immediate reaction was to put it back on. He needs a little help sometimes, but that’s OK! Daddy and I are both loving that.

There’s one more new thing that’s not quite as exciting: he’s stripping his diaper off. In the very earliest of potty training steps, he’s recognizing when he’s wet and taking his diaper off. He’s also peeing on the floor. He even got out of the bath yesterday only to pee on the floor and get back in. (At least he didn’t pee in the bath water, right?)

Any time I’m not with them now, I’m waiting for Eric to chime in: “Mommy, Danny peed on the floor again!”

It’s a sign he might potty train eventually, right? At least, I keep telling myself that. Baby steps…

I’ll admit that I was expecting very kid-ish recipes. What I found when I opened it up was not a cookbook with kids’ recipes; it was, in fact, a cookbook for kids. Aside from an introductory page titled “For the adults,” the book is written for kids who want to learn how to cook something of their own. As a result, the beginning of the book is a useful introduction to cooking overall: how to use a crock pot, how to measure, how to follow a recipe, etc. Even as a veteran cook, I learned some tricks reading through it, and there was a super-useful conversion key in there that I have been wanting for years! Cups to tablespoons, tablespoons to teaspoons, the smaller measurements that I can never find on other conversion charts. The entire thing is written in a very kid-friendly way without coming off as patronizing – a fine balance – on pages that are doodled on and pieced together in a way that looked very much like my own notebooks when I was a kid.

Once I’d read through the introduction, I was able to dive into the recipes. Again, I was surprised! These are not crock pot hot dogs and grilled cheese; there are great recipes with few ingredients and easy preparation. The book covers breakfast through dinner, including snacks and desserts, and I found recipes in every section that made me drool and made me stop and think, “Why didn’t I think of that?” From basics like Lasagna and Mac n Cheese to out-of-the-box wonders like Pizza in a Bowl and Gooey Chocolate Pudding Cake, this has already become a staple in my kitchen, and I’ve barely scratched the surface of these 50 recipes. There are honestly very few that I’m not interested in; being a picky eater, many cookbooks only offer about 1/3 of their recipes to me, but I think there are only 2 or 3 in here that I doubt I’d make. It doesn’t just look good, either – I’ve made 5 or 6 recipes already, and none of them have disappointed.

If I had one thing that was glowing to say about the recipes, it’s that they are big. Most make 8-10 servings, and for my family, I’ve halved most of the recipes and still come up with leftovers. (Though I’ll admit, I did not half the Gooey Chocolate Pudding Cake recipe. I mean, how can there ever be enough of that??) Of course, a few years from now when the boys are out of the toddler eat-like-a-bird phase, I’ll probably be making the full recipe just to keep up with them!

So, if you like to use your crock pot, get this book. If you have kids that want get in the kitchen, with mom or without, get this book. If you like delicious recipes with easy prep and few ingredients, get this book. Seriously – just get this book. It’s due to release in October, and you will love it.

I’m very excited to see if nursery class makes some changes for Danny. I’m hoping – very cautiously – that this could be what finally breaks the damn and gets him to progress. I’m working with him too, but there are days I wonder how much he’s willing to do for me versus someone else, especially surrounded by other kids his size doing the same things. I had these grand plans of getting there right on time, helping him get settled into the new room, and watching his first day through the observation window to see how it goes.

Then my tire blew.

Yep, first day of school, and Danny spent the first hour he was supposed to be in class sitting on the side of the highway with his mom trying to find anything in the car that would entertain him, because we got tired fairly quickly of watching (and talking about) the cars and trucks flying past us.

By the end of it, I was dirty (from digging out my spare), Danny was bored mindless, and both of us were just a little irritable. I was beyond relieved when my knight in shining armor arrived at last.

Danny did get a kick out of “riding” as he jacked the car up and, later, back down. I was more ready just to get back on the road. Danny had already missed any acclimation time the other kids would have gotten to get used to the new room, new people, new school. I had a mud flap still hanging loose and dragging and a crabby toddler that I was about to make even more crabby by dropping him off and running.

In the end, we both survived the first day of school…and the second, which was filled with tantrums and a total lack of desire to follow the group. I know this will improve, and I know he’s being fully 2, but I think I’m going to give up the whole “watching school” idea for a while. I don’t think I do anyone any good sitting there obsessing over every little thing I see. Let him get comfortable, learn the routine, and settle in; then, maybe, I’ll be able to check it out.

For now, 3 mornings a week, I am settling in somewhere with a laptop and a good book…and maybe going shopping now and then. Hopefully, while I’m unwinding, Danny will be learning lots and lots of delicious language, so that he finally – finally – starts to talk.

(Though he’s saying Mama now. SCORE!)

The boys were on an adventure! A winding, pebbled path led through thick foliage, pretty flowers, and waterfalls of many sizes, and Eric and Danny were both off to explore. But what’s the noise they hear in the background?

Be careful! There’s dinosaurs in those trees! The sound environment pretty much sucked to talk to Danny about any of the cool things we were seeing, but he enjoyed walking through it all and seeing everything there was to see. As for Eric, he thought it was the most awesome thing ever.

Every time I pointed out a dinosaur, Eric had two reactions. The first reaction was to gasp in delight and get super excited; the second was to demand my camera, because my little budding photographer had to take a picture of every dinosaur he saw.

Once we got through the jungle, there was an awesome air-conditioned room with all sorts of toys, puppets, puzzles, costumes, and many other things dinosaur to play with. Eric had an absolute blast playing with many of the toys; have I mentioned how much I love this age? He’s finally old enough to do all the cool kids things out there! (Or at least…to do a lot of them.) He’s interested in them all and participates appropriately, instead of doing the toddler “I’m going to run around and just kind of be here” mojo he always used to work.

Sort of like Danny’s mojo. His two favorite things in the play room? The doors that were on sensor and would open and close for him, and the penny spinner thing for donations.

(You have to admit, those things ARE pretty cool. Kids of all ages love them for a reason. After a couple goes at it, if I gave Danny a coin, he put it up on the ramp and actually did it right – at least until he put his arms down and blocked it or tried to fish it out.)

We loved it, totally loved it. If the weather had been better, we probably would have explored the gardens a lot more too… Both boys were enjoying the freedom to walk around and explore outside, but both parents were melting!

Now, if I need milk…I go get it.

Now, I don’t “fit in” play therapy…I just play.

Now, I don’t “squeeze in” the housework…I just get it done.

Now, I don’t “wish I had time” for making muffins…I make them.

There’s even time to let Danny try to help, even though he hasn’t the faintest clue what’s going on.

The best part, though, came one afternoon while Eric, Danny, and I were up playing in Danny’s room. A storm was rolling in, and we were reading books and generally roughhousing around when thunder crashed outside. Eric, predictably, froze what he was doing and gasped. What I didn’t predict was that Danny immediately stopped what he was doing, too. My deaf son heard the storm.

Yeah, it’s been a pretty cool week.

Once I got home, I started a mini-routine for bed time. Now, a big, complicated, hour-long bedtime routine has never been out style. The boys both do best if they have time to themselves to unwind, and then a quick, no-nonsense trip to bed. Eric gets a story, and now, Danny does too. We disappear into his bedroom, read a story in the rocker, get big kisses, and take off his ears. Then, I pick him up, put him in his bed, and run for my life. If I’m quick, I can get the door closed before Danny is there trying to open it.

The first night, of course, he cried, though not much. The first night, I also lay on a body pillow beside his bed for half an hour showing him what was expected, and when I left he was laying on a pillow beside me half-asleep. The second night, he’d been totally loving reading the book (we read it four times through before I decided it was time to stop), and when I got up to put his processors away, he climbed back into the rocker and reached for his book. I left him sitting there flipping through the book and babbling to himself.

Not a cry. Not a peep. A little while later…

So he’s still not going to sleep in his bed – the tally is 3 times in front of the door, once on the body pillows, once on the Pooh rug, and once in the rocker – but we’re making progress. This works for me.

That is, until Eric walked up to it, pulled out the papers that were in the bottom, and said, “Mommy, I’m going to drive my car!”

One Sharpie, a few minutes, and many shapes later (“Mommy, the windows are like squares! The wheel is like a circle!”) … he had a car. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, like standing back and watching your child play in a box the same way you did as a young child. Boxes are awesome, because they are anything! In it, Eric drove to Dragonland, he raced with Lightning McQueen, and he chased down some bad guys to put them in jail. Then, seeing all the fun, Danny wanted in.

Of course, since he was having so much fun, Eric wanted no part of Danny taking a turn in the box! As Danny tried to climb in, Eric pushed his hands away, leaving Danny standing and staring in envy. Well, he didn’t stand and stare for very long; he is a 2 year old, after all.

At this point, Mommy had to put down the camera for a while. Tantrums were soothed – well, ignored until he stopped screaming, and then soothed – and little boys were reminded about the better points of sharing and taking turns. Finally, Danny got a turn.

He was so excited to take his turn! He climbed in. He climbed out. He climbed in. He stood there looking around, and I could see it in his face. “Um, what’s the big deal in here?” He flapped the sides up and down a few times, then climbed out and wandered away…at least until Eric got back in and went driving again, making the box seem much more fun.

I’m off on a few days’ vacation to visit my best friend and her new baby, and I find myself embracing the time away, the distraction, the distance as I approach another NICU follow up visit. I know, I know – I said months ago that we were done, but since then John and I have agreed that touching base with the neurologist isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Hopefully, it will amount to nothing but relieving some of our over-anxious worries and fears of the unknown. I swing back and forth between feeling like it’s all nothing, and feeling like there are just a few too many random pieces that might fit together into a bigger picture I don’t even want to think about right now.

There is a strong urge in me, after the past two and a half years, to just stick my head in the sand and focus only on what we very obviously can see. I’m not sure how I’d handle anything “more,” anything I can’t even really put a name or finger on yet, when I am so overwhelmed with the concrete challenges.

Even I have to admit, though, that ignorance – while bliss – is not a good thing. And really…if the doctor ends up just relieving our fears, it will be a beautiful thing.

I know I’m being vague. That’s not really purposeful; it’s just that we don’t know anything right now. We just have some things, some stray thoughts, that we keep bringing up and then talking circles around. We toss out words, names, conditions, but none of them are concrete and we have just as many reasons to disbelieve them as we have to think they could be true. I don’t want to toss a term out there until we get a diagnosis, if we get a diagnosis. I don’t want my son labeled.

On my first flight of the day (I’m waiting to board the second), I pulled up the pilot episode of Parenthood, a show that caught my interest but I never got around to putting on the DVR. I was expecting a comedy-drama around the craziness of kids and being a parent. What I wasn’t prepared for was one of the children in the show to have a disability, namely Asperger’s. Now, if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that regardless of the diagnosis, any parent with a special needs child of any type has something in common. The boy was diagnosed in the episode, and the parents met after he’d gone back to school, the mom calling the dad from work. She started to dance around what she’d found out; he started to deny it. Then, she stopped and looked at him, shouting over his continued denials.

“There’s something wrong with our child! Don’t make me be alone with it.”

He stopped short, and they clung to each other as the scene faded. The emotions of it overwhelmed me. Here I am on a flight, crying my eyes out. I’m not sure if it was that emotional a scene to the general viewing audience, but for someone who’s been there, someone who one day had some vague suspicions and the next had been told there was no denying something wasn’t quite right… It was poignant. They did it well.

(I’m not sure if I was that thrilled with the rest of the show – I’m sitting here debating downloading another episode or just leaving it be, because to follow it for just that one scene…meh.)