Excuses Alcoholics Make

by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. of Behavioral Medicine Associates in Georgia

Problem? What problem?
Primitive and unconscious denial is classified as a psychotic defense mechanism because it denies or distorts reality itself. Those in the grip of psychotic denial are literally out of touch with reality. Thus an alcoholic with multiple and perfectly obvious negative consequences from his pathological drinking(legal, health, marital and job problems) may, difficult as this is to believe, indignantly and -from his perspective- honestly deny that he has a serious problem with alcohol. He doesn?t know what people who criticize his drinking are talking about - and he is genuinely hurt and offended at what he perceives to be their unfair and unreasonable attacks upon him. He often reacts to expressions of concern about his drinking with self-pity, resentment, and -of course- more drinking.
I?m not THAT bad!
Minimization and downplaying of the problems connected with addiction fill in the gaps and take up the slack left by the failure of psychotic denial to adjust reality completely to the requirements of the addiction. The addict admits that difficulties exist - but he stoutly maintains, frequently in the face of an astonishing and rapidly accumulating mountain of evidence to the contrary, that they are not really as bad as others make them out to be.
It wasn?t my fault or It?s not the way it looks!
Rationalization and projection of blame attempt to distance the addict from the consequences of his(actually, of his addiction?s) actions. Alternative explanations are constructed and stoutly defended, e.g. the employer who fired him or the officer who arrested him or the wife who divorced him were actuated by dishonest or frankly corrupt motives.
All I want is a little relief!
Justification of addictive behavior is often self-pitying and subtly manipulative. The addict feels victimized, perhaps even martyred by what he believes to be the unfair circumstances of his existence and seeks consolation from his addiction. He believes himself thereby an exception and entitled to special treatment, including remission or at least mitigation of the sins caused by his addictive behavior. The prospect of giving up his addiction or, even worse, having it taken away from him by the unsympathetic demands and requirements of others fills him with horror and indignation. Blind to the fact that it is his addiction and its consequences that are making him miserable, he falsely believes that the addiction is the only source of comfort and security available to him in a cruel, cruel world.
I?m not hurting anybody but myself!
Frequently phrased as "Leave me alone! I?m not hurting anybody but myself!" this defense invokes a legalistic right to self-harm at the same time as it denies the interpersonal and social realities of the addict?s harmful behaviors. The addict, unable or unwilling to recognize how his behavior does in fact impact and thus harm other people, indignantly and self-righteously proclaims "It?s MY life and I can do anything I please with it!" Curiously -and revealingly- the addict seldom finds anything incongruous in the notion that he might knowingly and willingly be harming himself, regardless of whether he is harming anyone else.
Nobody knows the trouble I?ve seen!
A blatant claim for special status based upon self-pity. Because it is seldom as persuasive to others as it is to the addict himself - other people usually have difficulty seeing how one?s problems, no matter how severe or unfair, justify adding further misery resulting from theoretically avoidable addictive behaviors- the frustrated addict usually becomes resentful and sullen, convinced that "nobody really understands me." This licenses, at least in the addict?s mind, still more flagrant and egregious addictive acting up and out.
I?ve got to be me! or You knew this when you married me!
Unable to distinguish himself from his addiction, the addict cannot imagine himself or existence without the addiction. The prospect of "losing" the addiction is unthinkable to him since it would, he believes, mean the loss of himself and of everything that makes life worth living. The addict paints a Romantic portrait for himself and others which, while it may acknowledge at least some of the destructive effects of his addiction, attempts to rationalize the insanity of addictive behavior as glorious, if tragic self-actualization and fulfillment, and to represent anything less than this, e.g. abstinence and sobriety, as a kind of forfeiture of the self and living death, to which a premature addictive exitus ( death; especially : fatal termination of a disease ) is much to be preferred. The fact that many addicts actually believe such transparent foolishness is a somber testimony to the power of addictive insanity.
I HAVE to drink (or drug) for my work!
The addict insists that he will not be able to make a living or that he will no longer be successful if forced to "give up" the increasingly harmful and destructive behaviors caused by his addiction. He may regard the latter as "the cost of doing business." In the vast majority of cases, of course, his addiction has already begun to impair his work performance, his judgment, and his interpersonal relations.
You?re not so pure yourself!
Following the adage that "the best defense is a good offense" the addict seeks to turn the tables and distract attention from himself by "attacking the attacker," i.e. the individual who attempts to point out to him the reality of his addictive behavior. Under the spur of necessity to defend their addiction as they are, most addicts possess a keen eye and a sharp tongue for the shortcomings and faults of others - even as they deny or are indifferent to those of themselves. Thus the addict is often almost demonically astute at exploiting the vulnerabilities and Achilles Heels of those who, wittingly or unwittingly, threaten the continuance of his addiction.
Trust me - I know what I am doing!
The addict, blinded to reality by his own denial, attempts to reassure those who have begun to wonder about his judgment, perhaps even about his sanity, that he is in control and that all will be well. He informs them that he is perfectly aware there is or may shortly be a problem, that he does not intend to let it get out of hand, and that he is or will be taking steps to control it.
I can stop any time I want to!
Unaware that his addiction and not he himself is calling the shots, the addict genuinely believes that he is choosing to behave the way he does and therefore he can stop doing so any time he makes up his mind. Unfortunately for him and for those who must deal with him, he seldom makes up his mind to stop(even though he most certainly could if he wanted to, &etc. &etc. &etc.)
I?m not nearly as bad as OTHER people!
An almost universal addictive rationalization. The addict compares himself to people who are in his opinion in far worse shape than he believes himself to be and concludes from this that there is no reason to be concerned about his own addictive behavior. Since there is always someone worse off than himself the addict feels entitled in continuing his addiction.
I HAVE to drink (or drug) to drown my sorrows!
The victim of a dysfunctional childhood or the survivor of a difficult life, the addict attempts to persuade others, as he has largely persuaded himself, that continuing to engage in destructive addictive behavior is a rational and healthy response to his problems - or that if he does not drink or drug, he will fall apart or behave even worse.
Now is not a good time to stop!
Another nearly universal addictive rationalization. "I?ll quit tomorrow" is a familiar addictive refrain. The time never seems quite right to stop - even though the addict may be or seem to be perfectly sincere in his determination to cease his addiction "just as soon as I get through this difficult period." He may even convince himself and attempt to convince others that stopping his addictive behavior immediately would be a bad and counter-productive idea, and that the chances of success will be enormously increased if he delays his attempt to stop until a more favorable time.
It will never, ever happen again!
Following an unusually painful or embarrassing episode caused by his addiction the remorseful, frequently tearful addict promises those he has harmed that nothing, absolutely nothing could ever cause him to repeat such behavior. He may take the lead in excoriating and flagellating himself for his unpardonable sin as a demonstration of penance and a reassurance to those he has harmed or offended. Almost always effective in allaying anxiety and soothing hurt feelings on the first occasion of use, this defense rapidly loses effectiveness with repeated use as those whom it is intended to reassure become, usually with good reason, increasingly skeptical.
Nobody is going to tell ME what to do!
The problems caused by addiction are avoided or obscured by a heroic pose worthy of Patrick Henry("Give me liberty or give me death!"). By focusing on his supposed freedom to do as he wishes -actually the freedom of his addiction to do as it wishes- the addict sidesteps the more difficult question of the rationality and sanity of his behavior. Defiance and oppositional behavior are common defenses of addicts against looking at themselves.
I?d be OK if it weren?t for you!
The addict blames his addictive behavior on his significant other, usually his spouse. He feels resentful and self-pitying about the way he considers himself to be treated and uses this to justify his addiction. Since one of the commonest causes of resentment and self-pity in addicts is criticism by others of their addictive behavior, and since the characteristic response of the addict to such criticism is to escalate addictive behavior, this process tends to be self-perpetuating. The addict is often quite cruel in highlighting, exaggerating and exploiting any and every defect or flaw the significant other may have, or even in fabricating them out of his own mind in order to justify and rationalize his own behavior.
Look at all I have done for you! or This is the thanks I get!
Another "guilt trip" designed to disarm or deflect criticism of addictive behavior. References to the hard work, long hours, job stress and material status of the family are common attempts to win sympathy and understanding for behavior that has become harmful to the addict and others.
I don?t have time (or money) to get help!
Almost universally deployed whenever the question of seeking professional assistance or attending AA or other mutual-support group meetings comes up. If the addict does actually take a step to get help -usually as a result of external prodding of some kind- there is a 98% probability that he will not agree with the frequency, intensity or duration of the help recommended. Underestimation of his problem and the belief that it can be controlled by what others more informed about such matters know are half measures is the rule rather than the exception in addiction.
I?ll handle it myself!
Another nearly universal defense. The addict finally acknowledges and even believes that he has a significant problem but is adamant that he can and will deal with it by himself rather than seeking any kind of professional or support group help. Because he does not yet understand the nature of addiction he supposes that recovery is merely a matter of will power, hence that it is superfluous or even a disgrace to ask for help from others for what he ought to be able to do by himself.

It’s over.

I will not do this anymore.

I cannot drink anymore to self-medicate for depression/anxiety and cure my loneliness and boredom.

I want books again. I want to go out again without feeling self-conscious because I feel (and look) hungover. I want my hands to stop shaking in the morning. I want to feel excited when I wake up, not doomy and gloomy. I want to stop crying. I want the spring in my step back. I want to run again. I want the money I am losing to go somewhere else other than purchasing wine and cigarettes. I want to feel pretty again. I want to lose 10 lbs. I want my brain back and its spark and hunger for knowledge.

Booze has turned me into a depressive, isolated, fearful and tired person. When I am drunk, I think I am happy and relaxed. I put myself ‘out’ almost nightly so I don’t have to bear any prolonged waking moments alone. Sometimes a sleeping pill with a bottle of wine really helps me along. Then the next day I get to listen to (and believe) all the horrible thoughts and depressive feelings my hangovers whisper in my ear. Yet when I make it 5 days, like I have tonight… I feel the life, energy, strength and confidence brimming over in me so quickly.

I hate booze. I hate it. It’s like an abusive boyfriend that is sitting there in his stained undershirt and boxers on the couch everynight when you get home from work. And you want to leave him so bad, but you always say ‘I’ll do it tomorrow’. And this boyfriend makes you feel good sometimes, and comforts you, but he also whispers lies and hopeless thoughts into your ears and puts all your faults under a microscope, but he convinces you everyday that as long as you have him… you’ll be okay, even if everyday feels like misery and you begin to think this is your destiny, and you’re not worth more, so you might as well surrender. Ya, right.

I’m done punishing myself and mistreating myself. I did nothing to deserve this but it’s my own fault that I ended up here because I cannot deal with my own emotions or upsetting things like most ‘regular’ folks do. What I didn’t realise is that booze makes it worse. It arrests you on the spot you started drinking dependantly at both emotionally and spiritually. I haven’t been ‘dealing’ or ‘processing’ at all. I have been sedating myself in order to NOT feel. What a waste of a few good (bad) years. Plus the BOOZE has made me depressed even more than any normal heart-ache or upset could that most normal people go through in a lifetime. The BOOZE has made it worse, not better.

I’m done.

I’ve made it five days (a miracle) and pray to God I can press on and change my daily pattern… and learn how to sleep again on my own.

Last night I had the most peaceful sleep I have had in many moons without the aid of wine or a sleeping tablet. I also went back to the gym.

I am done this time for good. I want my life back. It belongs to me, not a bottle. I am not going to let this vile substance cloud my vision and understanding of things anymore and make me feel less than the upstanding person I really am.

My weakness will be if something ‘bad’ happens or I bump into my recent ex or something like that. But I hope to get past anything of this nature without feeling hopeless and turning to the bottle.

I’ll continue to post and I enjoy reading all the posts here on the site for inspiration and the invaluable feeling of ‘not being alone’.

Includng, of course, my 2 sons.

Now, my 2 sons, ages 21 and 23, have always been very social and excellent conversationalists…and some of the people who were in town last weekend have not seen them in 10 - 15 years. So, of course, there was a lot of talk about how well they’ve turned out and what great young men they are. (Yeah, I’m a very proud mom here!)

At one point, E (the eldest) was talking about all of the cooking he’s been doing in the house that he’s living in over the summer (with 1 other Georgetown graduate and 4 Georgetown soon-to-be-seniors), and about how good/important he feels it is for all the "kids" living there to eat together, and talk, and just have that "~family time."

One of the older men, who was there and with whom I used to teach, said something about how unusual it is, in his experience, to find young, independent, straight, single men who understand and value that — let alone know how to "create" it and are willing to go out of their way to do so. And my son was kinda taken aback — like he realized that it was true but had never really thought about it like that – and said: "Well, you know, my mom always said that it was her job to raise us up to be the kind of people who can value and respect themselves and others and who others are gonna want to be around!"

Wow!!!!!!!…and then, of course, I was an incredibly, amazingly, extra-very proud mom!….because it’s true: I did used to say that — usually when one or both of them was screaming at me about what a terrible, unfair, meany of a mom I was for making them do something they needed to do or for not allowing them to do something inappropriate. They actually had this little "mommy meany" song that they’d made up and that they would chant when they were particularly p*ssed at me….. and, at some point after they’d "sang" it through several times, I would say simply: "You’re right: I am mean…and I’m gonna be mean as long as you try to do things you know you shouldn’t be doing (or try to get away without doing things you should be doing.) And the reason I’m mean is because it’s my job to raise you up to be the kind of people who can value and respect themselves and others and who others are going to want to be around. So, you can go right ahead and call me whatever you want, as long as you’re doin’ what I told you to do!"

Well, I’ve been thinking about this a lot — not only because I am really just so amazingly happy and grateful that my sons seem to be turning out "right," but because other people recognize and respect that and, most importantly, because they recognize and respect it themselves.

And also because, it seems to me to be like a perfect metaphor for /example of why it’s so important to avoid codependent, coddling, enabling behavior. Not that it’s any adultss job to "raise up" another adult, but it’s defintely each of our job to teach others how to treat us…….and it’s defintely to everyone’s advatage when we take that job very, very seriously and do it very, very well.

freya

Although one of the greatest obstacles most face is a feeling of shame/embarrassment, there’s another that I see come up way too often….

Cost. What options do people have who don’t have insurance? Who don’t qualify for medicaid? Who, perhaps, don’t have a doctor?

I’ve been blessed enough not to have been in this situation (yet), but I thought it might be a good idea to start this thread for those who are so they might be able to figure out somewhere to turn.

Does anyone have advice here? Please share what’s worked and, conversely, what hasn’t…

Thanks a million, :c017:

Liz

Please lift Judy, her brother Mike, Aunt Connie and the rest of her family up as they go through this extremely difficult time. Pray for peace and the Lord’s mercy as they make arrangements and try to reconcile loosing their mother. If you will recall, Judy lost her sister, Linda, to alcoholism several years ago. Before her mother died, she spoke of Linda and knew she would soon be seeing her again.

Judy said the nursing home really stepped up and were gracious and compassionate (she had some problems with them recently and was on the verge of moving her mother when she took a turn for the worst) and the Hospice workers were amazing.

Judy’s sober birthday is July 21st. She will be celebrating 4 years of being happy, joyous and free.

When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned, the flames will not consume you.

Isaiah 43:2 NLT

"The remarkable thing is that we really love our neighbor as ourselves: we do unto others as we do unto ourselves. We hate others when we hate ourselves. We are tolerant toward others when we tolerate ourselves. We forgive others when we forgive ourselves. We are prone to sacrifice others when we are ready to sacrifice ourselves."

"It is thus with most of us; we are what other people say we are. We know ourselves chiefly by hearsay."

and

"We lie the loudest when we lie to ourselves."

When he checked in he put down that he didn’t want me to be able to call him or visit…. He was pretty drunk at the time and at first I was kind of hurt. But as I drove home (2 hours) I thought it was good so he could just concentrate on himself.

He said he was about to go into another meeting but said that it was going really good and he really wants to stay sober. He is still on some adivan (for the withdrawals I guess) but he said he should be off that tomorrow.

Just to tell him I love him and know that he’s alive and doing ok—And is embracing the process. I might sleep tonight.

Kim

I’m sure no one in my apartment REALLY cares that much as to who I am etc but posting here I had hoped would be something completely private. I know a lot of people here and I don’t want them getting the wrong idea if they can find out in any way that it is me posting.

With that, unfortunately for me, I’m going to lay low on the posts for awhile. I’m sure I’ll still read posts. Thanks for the support in the short time I have been here. It has been helpful as even though I have attempted to ‘manage my drinking’ a time or 2, which failed and resulted in binging, I have had many days without a drink as well… 7 days in a row once!!! I can’t remember the last time I went a full week without alcohol, or even 2 days prior to coming to this forum. If I think of alcohol, I come here which has been comforting, but unfortunately, this must end for a bit.

In the meantime, I wish you all luck and happiness for the road. Thanks a lot for helping me figure myself out… and for posting your stories which made me realize that so many were in the exact same place as me

God bless! -K