How do you get beyond the honest worry about an alcoholic’s health?

My hubby is a moderate drinker through the week, but binge drinks heavily on week ends. We’ve been married forever LOL, but this alcohol addiction has only been present the last 6 years. It started off small and is increasing all the time.

In an effort to detach a bit, and take care of myself I’m becoming more involved with things I enjoy. So instead of sitting home all weekend watching him drink and all that involves, I’m getting out more by myself.

I’ve always been very active in my church, but had given most of that up in the past 10 years. Now I’m deciding if he’s going to be passed out drunk all weekend, it’s a waste of my time to sit here and simply watch. So I’m back to being a chaperone for our youth kids. This weekend we are taking the kids out of town for a small overnight retreat. Not sure if I’ll even have reception on my cell phone as it’s a cabin in the woods. I so enjoy working with the teens, and honestly I’m good at it. So this is very much something I want to pursue and stay involved in.

my problem… How do i get beyond actually worrying about his health while i’m gone. i KNOW he will drink more with me not in the house, and honestly he’s teetering on dangerous levels even when i’m home. I know he’s an adult, and it’s not my place to take care of him, but i can’t seem to get past the very phyiscal and emotional fear that I’ll come home and find him unconscious on the floor with a head injury, or soemthing.

‘You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice’

I have been apartment hunting and saw an unbelievable bargain advertised in the student-directed magazine published by our newspaper. I knew it wasn’t going to be the Taj Mahal but I figured what the heck, might as well stop in and see what this amount of money will get me.

Long story short, I was given the key and made to go to the apartment complex alone (no realtor/property manager). That was a red flag. Normally they’ll step in and point out what’s nice. No need here!

There was grafitti all over the building, beer cans and wet toilet paper and trash all over the parking lot, and when I got to the second story where apartment #14 was, then it got interesting!

Two doors down an apartment had been taken over by the Sherriff’s Dept. The notice warned that anyone who trespassed would be arrested. The windows had been busted out and although were replaced, they never bothered to even clean the rest of the glass up. I peeked inside out of curiousity and there was trash all over the apartment.

I stepped down the the prospective unit and walked in. Immediately the most horrific chemical smell that I have EVER experienced entered my nose. It burnt my nose, made me dizzy and rocked my head with a headache. The floor looked acid-burnt in places and the kitchen appliances were 25 years old atleast.

There were dead bugs everywhere. I’m a country girl. I’ve seen some pretty rough places that people have lived. But never, ever in my life have I seen such squalor. The smell was horrific.

As soon as I left, I rushed back to give the key back and left without saying a word. I was shaking I was so upset. When I got home, I called the police department and told them what happened. They said its a very high crime area and that I was right, it was dangerous and they would send someone over to check it out.

If that apartment wasn’t the meth lab, then one of them in the complex was. That’s the only explanation for such a horrific and unique smell.
I’m still blown away.:wtf2

I’m a girl that’s in love with a guy with a problem. When we initially got together, things were great. We were doing the long distance thing (met online), but as we got closer a few months in, he was honest with me one afternoon about his problem. At that point, I had feelings for him, and wanted to be the supportive girlfriend. You know, I had illusions of being THE GIRL – the kind of girl every girl wants to be. You know the one – the one that helps them through the rough time. The one that’s with them through the worst, and you get to come out the other side in sun rays, surrounded by kitties and lillies and stuff! As time went on, he became more comfortable with me, and more comfort meant more uninhibited, which eventually lead to him being a jerk one night to be when we talked on the phone. He was appalled at what he said the next day (he couldn’t remember, but I was sure to inform him. ) and said he knew he had a serious problem and should get some help. He went as far as to contact a program through work, who recommended AA. He got as far as jotting down the nearest AA meeting on a piece of paper and keeping it on his desk, but that’s it. He never did wind up going.

We used to have sober conversations about why he was afraid to get help. I read some of the forum postings about what to expect with withdrawls, and the mental side of it – all that stuff pretty much hits it all on the nose. He’s afraid of who he’ll be without the drink. I think he’s afraid of being ordinary. Will people still like him? Things like that.

As time went on, things got worse. I did nothing but worry, all the time, about how much he was drinking. When we talked at night, he’d always be drunk. I’d wonder if he even remembered half the crap he was saying. It was hell, on that end of it. The upswing was, we’d spend a lot of time together when he was sober, and that’s the guy that I fell in love with. We went camping for a week out in the woods, no booze. He went throught DTs, had a heckuva time with everything, but he did well and we had a great time, and I was reminded again, why I loved this man. He’s a good man. Sweet, kind, funny, smart, talented.. It’s just too bad he doesn’t see these things in himself, like I do.

Our relationship was deteriorating, and he knew this. I know that he hated it, and hated what his problem was doing to us, so he’d decided on his own volition, to set up a date that he’d go get help by. He said he just needed some time to wrap his mind around what it would be like to quit. How he’d tackle it. I think he was looking at it in the global picture, rather than day by day, minute by minute – and I know it scared the hell out of him. He seemed intent on doing it, and I believed with every fiber of my being, that we’d make it.

Two weeks before he was due to seek help, I received a phone call from him, where he proceeded to end our relationship. It was apparent to me as to why – he didn’t want to give up the drink. Instead, he made it about us and how incompatible we were. There were things that bothered him about me – I wasn’t critical enough, I wasn’t this, I wasn’t that – and it wasn’t anything I did wrong, it was just character flaws that didn’t mesh well with his, supposedly. We’d been together a year at that point. I was devastated.

It’s been awhile, since all this went down – about thirteen months, in fact. We still keep in touch a bit, mostly online. I did go to his city this last summer, and stayed with him for five days. One thing he brought to the table was introducing me to a city I fell in love with, but admittedly, I wanted to check in on him. See how he was. How he was, wasn’t surprising. This time around, he didn’t have to mask anything – why would he? He didn’t have me to impress anymore. He was drunk every night that I was there, things happened, if you will, and I think we both were struggling – me, partially because I missed the man that I fell in love with – and am still in love with, to this day. I missed the guy I used to lay next to, who used to hold my hand. Who I used to joke about having batman wedding napkins at our reception, if we got married, heh. I missed the guy that used to caress my face when we fell asleep. I even missed the silly annoying foot thing he used to do just before he’d drift off. I layed next to him in that bed, thinking, "Where the hell is this man? I never see him anymore, and I miss him so much." I know that he still has feelings for me, too, and I think he feels like he’s doing me some favour by ending us. He knows it’s not about our incompatibilities, he knows it’s about his problem, and he feels like I can do better than him. He’ll say things like, "I’m in no position to have a kid, or buy a house. You don’t need my problems." There’s the part of me that feels angry – the part that wants to shake him and say, "We could have our Batman wedding napkins if you’d put down the goddamn bottle! YOU could be the man to give me all this that you say I deserve!"

I’m not a desperate woman. I’m not a girl that needs to have a man in her life, to be happy. I haven’t had countless relationships that always ended badly. Please don’t get me wrong – I’ve got issues, otherwise I wouldn’t be here. I’m codependent, for sure. (Picked up a book, gonna crack it open tonight.)

I just worry a lot about him, and I miss the man I fell in love with. I don’t have any grand illusions here. I know the reality is, I don’t see that guy much anymore, he’s been replaced for now. But the humanitarian part of me, deep down in my soul, feels like I can’t just… bail on him. I can’t just say You know what? Screw you, drunky. Because deep down, to his core – that’s who I fell in love with. Somewhere deep down beyond all the booze, is a guy who’s weak and absolutely terrified. He’s got a good soul. He’s just sick.

We’re not even together anymore, we talk like once a week. I feel like I sound crazy, like I’m some sort of ex-girlfriend that can’t get over the guy that ditched her. I just know there’s more to it than this, and I would bet my life on the fact that he misses me as much as I miss him – he just can’t give me anything, because he’s essentially chosen the drink over me. I realize it’s not that simple, but. You know what I mean, black and white terms, that’s what’s up.

Do I sound pathetic? Maybe. But I’m just a girl who’s in love with a man who’s really sick. I don’t want Batman wedding napkins with someone else.

Also my boyfriend was kinda freaked and said he didnt want to be the only one there. Are there a lot of plp at these meetings…what are the meetings like? Does it really help! He needs a good support group and I just felt like AA would be perfect for him, and I hope it is…

What can he expect? Are there any younger people there? Do the people there make you feel comfortable?

He used to drink everyday. A 12 pack and a pint of rum….it has caused me and his family so much pain. A couple of weeks ago he broke his arm and swore it was sign telling him he cause everyone so much pain. So he decided to quit drinking. He’s been sober for two weeks, but last night I caught him sneaking it, so he told me he can’t do it alone and needs AA…

I hope this is what changes his life!

Any info about AA would be great! Thanks so much!

He crossed the line this time and I in no uncertain terms told him. I also told him that (as I was coming to that realization while speaking to him) that it was no wonder why I married the A- cause he was just exactly like him. I attribute his behaviors to his alcoholism, and he is not getting any better and he is just as abusive to his girlfriend as he was my mother.

On top of all this he is to have quadruple heart surgery in about a week. and I just keep hoping he just drops dead.

I know it is about forgiving and understanding and all that for my own sake, but the difficulty now lies in when I even remotely think of him or what he did or didn’t do, this rageful anger comes leaking out of me. It’s like I wish he would ******* die so that I can get him out of my head and move on with my life-without this spillover which I know is directly related to him.

The sticky at the top about removing your family from toxic relationships no matter what, may have been a catalyst for me. At least I am pretty sure I feel more comfortable about not allowing my children to be around him anymore. They seem to be a LOT less aggressive too.
I come to find out after I cut him out of our life that when they would spend the night there, in the mornings he would be blasting his girlfriend with language he would never admit to using….but in spite of the fact that my children were there hearing it! That really put the final nail in the coffin.

I am not sad. I am better than ok without him and his constant "all about me" haranguing. But i would like to be over the anger that I don’t even feel (at least I don’t consciously feel) which resides in me. Thanks for letting me rant.

Our own story

?When we honestly tell our own story, someone else may identify with us.?

Basic Text, p. 95

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Many of us have heard truly captivating speakers at Narcotics Anonymous conventions. We remember the audience alternating between tears of identification and joyous hilarity. ?Someday,? we may think, ?I?m going to be a main speaker at a convention, too.?

Well, for many of us, that day has yet to arrive. Once in awhile we may be asked to speak at a meeting near where we live. We might speak at a small convention workshop. But after all this time, we?re still not ?hot? convention speakers?and that?s okay. We?ve learned that we, too, have a special message to share, even if it?s only at a local meeting with fifteen or twenty addicts in attendance.

Each of us has only our own story to tell; that?s it. We can?t tell anyone else?s story. Every time we get up to speak, many of us find all the clever lines and funny stories seem to disappear from our minds. But we do have something to offer. We carry the message of hope?we can and do recover from our addiction. And that?s enough.

????=????

Just for today: I will remember that my honest story is what I share the best. Today, that?s enough.

We had a fight last weekend because I brought up the fact that he still hadn’t apologized for days of really mean, rude, completely inapproriate behavior that had started the weekend befor that. He likes to pretend everything’s fine when he decides they are. I couldn’t go along with it. I told him so and not to expect me to keep trying to talk to him about things.

Last night, AH seemed to be making an effort to behave in a reasonable manner. As usual, I was happy to play along. I made a nice dinner. Then it got ugly, with AH persistently accusing me of stupid things that weren’t true, me defending myself. Finally, I told him to get over himself and he started calling me names and flipping me off… right there in front of the boys. He stomped off to bed. You know, I actually felt sorry for him. He had really been trying to get along but then that switch got flipped. It was the best he could do. Sad.

Suddenly, it hit me, my boys are still a little young to stay out late but we homeschool so it’s not like they can’t sleep in in the morning. We can stay out late going to social and sports activities, until bedtime, almost every night. I’ll try to keep them home on weekends for as long as I think AH still doesn’t drink on weekends.

Despite the ugly reality of life with an abusive drunk, I have a lot to be grateful for. His drinking doesn’t start untill after work, it usually ends when he passes out. He hasn’t been one to drink on weekends. I’ll be keeping on eye one that because if I’m going to leave the boys at home with him on weekends, I gotta believe they’re safe.

It’s only for another month, until we move to the mountains for ski season. Then we’ll only see AH weekends anyway. I’m done with this foolishness. I will not let it get me down. I will make life a better place for my boys and myself. I know it won’t be easy. There will be days when I’d rather hide under the covers but I will get us up and out of here so we can enjoy our lives.

He will notice we’re not around. He will get mad. He’ll try to pick fights. If he asks me questions specifically related to our not being around, I will tell him. He drinks at night, his behaviour is inappropriate and we deserve better than to be subjected to it. If he wants us around in the evenings, he can’t drink. He never sucks on his bottle in front of us. He sneaks off to do it in hiding so I never know how much he’s drinking on any given evening. I just find the empty bottles. I’ll believe he’s not drinking when he starts behaving well and talking to me about things like the meetings he used to enjoy going to when he got sober before. But, I’m not expecting him to make that choice. I’m not even going to tell him why we’re not around anymore unless he asks.

I don’t know if it sounds like much to you all but I’m feeling good about having a plan to improve our lives. I’ve lived through a lot of truely terrible abuse with this man and I’ve been quick to forgive most of the time. Right now, I feel really motivated to keep the boys and myself away from his craziness in a way I’ve never felt before. We’ve left in the middle of major crisis’ before, even staying away for weeks when the abuse had gotten physical. This is the first time I feel able to get away from the ongoing abuse, on a nightly basis, before he starts in on me.

I think I can do this. I will fake it ’till I make it if that’s what I have to do. It’s just one more month. I can do this. Wish me luck.

I must say, my attitude about the world has turned upside down and back again. Its very difficult to be judgemental after having had this experience. I remember hearing people in naranon who were grateful for the experience, because of their personal growth. I never thought I would get there, but am growing every day. I am so grateful to have had this site here for me when I was desperate.
jeepgirl