QWERTYitis

Insomnia

2008-03-16T16:25:00.001-07:00

A man went to the doctor with severe insomnia. The doctor gave him a physical examination and found nothing wrong with the man. Doctor said, "Listen, if you really want to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."

"I know," said the man, "But I can't. My wife refuses to sleep all alone."

Zzzzzsleeping time

2008-03-12T13:01:00.001-07:00

Cute yawning neonate

2008-03-12T12:50:00.001-07:00

Age related

2008-03-10T12:42:00.001-07:00

An old man goes to his doctor, for pain in his knee doesn't heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The doctor checks out his knees, but can't find anything wrong. So he gives the old
guy a full physical exam, and still can't come up with any possible explanation for the pain.

The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, "I'm sorry but the pain in your knee is simply caused by old age, there's nothing I can do about it."

The old man replies with a look of disbelief, "That's impossible! That can't be!"

The doctor says, "What do you mean? I'm the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it's NOT old age?"

The patient answers, "I'm no doctor but it doesn't take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you're mistaken. After all my other knee just fine."

"So what?" says the doctor "What difference does that make?"

"Well it doesn't hurt a bit, and it's the SAME AGE!" replied the old man.

PMS medicine

2008-03-10T12:11:00.001-07:00

Q: How can you tell which bottle has PMS medicine?
A: It's the one which has marks on the cap!

Best treatment for headaches

2008-03-10T12:10:00.001-07:00

If you have a lot of tension and you get headaches, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two and keep away from children."

How does physics save lives ?

2008-03-10T12:07:00.001-07:00

A professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept in physics to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" one young man blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor continued. "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."

Husband and wife

2008-03-10T11:56:00.001-07:00

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband has a very peculiar disease, related to stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him daily. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him,
it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.

How to distinguish between Alzheimers and AIDS

2008-03-09T12:18:00.001-07:00

Mr. Daniel to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Daniel sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."

Mr. Daniel: "What do you mean?"

Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Daniel tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife."

Mr Daniel: "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?"

Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't have sex with her."

Let's check your geography

2008-03-09T05:12:00.001-07:00

Q: What would happen if all of the smokers were laid end-to-end around the world ?
A: Three-quarters of them would drown !

Another Psyche joke

2008-03-09T05:07:00.001-07:00

Q: How do two psychiatrists greet each other?
A: You are fine. How am I?

Heart attack

2008-03-09T05:05:00.001-07:00

Some of the boys got together to play poker one Friday. After about four hours of playing, Jack had severe chest pains and suddenly he slumped over. One of the gamblers, who happened to be a doctor, examined him. To everyone's surprise and shock, poor Jack had died of a heart attack.

None of his friends knew just how to break the sad news to Jack's wife. Finally Jim said, "I think that I can be diplomatic about it, and break the news to her gently."

Floyd rang the bell at Jack's house. When Jack's wife answered the door, Jim said to her, "Jack gambled with us and lost $1,000."

When Jack's wife heard this she said, "Just tell Jack to just drop dead!" Jim replied, "That's exactly what he did."

Hello, Welcome to the World Psychiatry Call Center

2008-03-09T04:58:00.001-07:00

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

Spaghetti

2008-03-09T04:53:00.001-07:00

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, the doctor gave her a sum of money and asked her to go to Paris and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." The nurse took the money and flew to Paris.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

Happens only in Las Vegas

2008-03-09T01:30:00.000-08:00

He Shell do it

2008-03-09T01:29:00.001-08:00

For the CEO

2008-03-09T01:29:00.000-08:00

Gargoyles

2008-03-09T01:28:00.001-08:00

Happens only in Italy

2008-03-09T01:27:00.001-08:00

Thumbtack

2008-03-09T01:27:00.000-08:00

More flower power

2008-03-09T01:26:00.003-08:00

Even more flower power

2008-03-09T01:26:00.001-08:00

Flower power

2008-03-09T01:25:00.001-08:00

Funny clown

2008-03-09T01:24:00.002-08:00

Glow in the dark

2008-03-09T01:24:00.001-08:00