I've felt increasingly distracted the past few months. There are some valid reasons why, but for now I'll address the most transactional of them.

Once or twice a year, I get hyperaware of clutter. The things I own that actually own me, the notifications that go ignored, the feeds that steal my attention. I want to rid myself of them all. This month, I'm doing it again: purging closets, closing accounts, unsubscribing from e-mails, pruning social feeds, and deleting apps.

If I wouldn't buy it again, throw it away. If we haven't conversed one-on-one this year, unfollow. If it's selling me something I do not need, unsubscribe. If I haven't opened the email or voicemail in 60 days, delete it; everything else gets archived.

Inbox, voicemail, following: Zero. Here's to a simpler, quieter, and more intentional 2026.

It's been... a minute. I know. If I want to get writing again, even semi-regularly, I first have to write "something." So, here goes.

You know the whole dedicated-not-motivated mantra? I've been neither. Nothing is working. Except for me, I'm working... a lot. Maybe that's why everything else is falling apart. My challenges, plans, goals, and dreams. They've all failed or been forgotten. So when everything I've tried hasn't worked, what do I do?

Shake The Dominoes

I'm searching for one thing to change, that'll stick, that'll put me into gear and start my comeback. Instead of one thing, why not change everything? After a timely chat with some fellow wellness enthusiasts, one shared the concept of eating One Meal A Day (OMAD). Instantly, I knew this would be the first domino to... ok let's switch up the metaphor... topple.

But Why Though?
- Absolutely No One

I've done intermittent fasting, so this isn't entirely new to me. I've known people who eat one meal a day, but never as a means to lose or manage weight; it was to suit their lifestyle. But for me, it could serve multiple purposes. Eating one meal a day:

• combats decision paralysis
• makes portion control crazy easy
• simplifies macro targets to 1 meal instead of 3-4
• gives me back hours of meal prep, cooking, and shopping time
• compels me to get outside of the office
• promotes better hydration

And So Goes The Dominoes

With this as the catalyst, the rest of the dominoes have fallen into place. I'm getting up at 4 AM and hitting the gym. I perform a modest and responsible workout comprised mostly of PT as warm-up, a simple low-impact HIIT session, and 10 minutes of yoga. At which point, I commit to a grooming and self-care routine aimed at ensuring my day starts clean and refreshed. My day is broken up into five automated time-blocked shifts to support everything from familial responsibilities to work tasks. By 8 PM, I walk away from anything I have to or am "supposed" to do. I wind down. Pop a melatonin at 9 PM, and it's lights out by 10 PM.

It's early, but I'm feeling good. Good enough to write again. Good enough to not sweat an inconsistent metaphor.

There's a breed of person who believes they can be the best at anything. You've seen them exuding confidence in their potential with a religious conviction. Their ambition, framed as inspirational, could be less a testament to their greatness and more a reflection of our collective discomfort with insignificance.

Dismissing these people is like a reflex for me. I default to labeling their self-belief as egotistical, naive, and desperate for validation. That dismissal may be an act of self-defense. If I can reduce their ambition to a personality flaw, I don't have to confront my lack of it. It's easier to sit on the sidelines and critique than to wrestle with the possibility, the fact even, that I am not living up to my potential.

Or is it more profound than that? Could it be a reflection of something less individual and psychological and more about the collective human condition? Our ultimate insignificance amongst the vastness of existence. No matter how grand, our accomplishments are blips in the vast expanse of time and space. For every person who knows your name, trillions never will. For every achievement carved into stone, printed on paper, or saved to a server, countless others are forgotten or ignored.

This perceived truth isn't a reason not to strive for greatness. It may be the reason these people do. This pursuit of greatness can feel like an act of rebellion against insignificance, a way to shout into the void and demand that it take notice. Except, the void doesn't care. No amount of success or fame will change the fundamental truth that we will be forgotten and our lives reduced to dust and data.

So what are we to make of those who chase greatness with such ferocity? Are they courageous for refusing to accept their smallness? Or are they deluding themselves, clinging to the illusion that their efforts will somehow transcend their inevitable erasure? Are they drunk on a strange cocktail of validation, bravery, and denial? Deep down, unsatiated, stumbling forward while the rest of us watch with a mix of envy and disdain.

I've always found something suspiciously performative about these people—how they broadcast their ambition. It's particularly noticeable today, with follows and likes replacing applause. It's hard not to perceive their confidence at times as brittle, a facade masking the same existential dread we all feel but rarely admit. Their belief in themselves might be inspiring to some but can reek of desperation—a refusal to sit quietly with the uncomfortable truth that none of this matters.

Then again, perhaps these people aren't so different from the rest of us. They choose a different way to cope with insignificance: running toward it at full speed instead of sitting still and letting it wash over them. Whether that makes them admirable or pitiable isn't the point, and though I've shared my opinion, it's also not at all for me to say. Ultimately, no matter how high they climb, how loudly they proclaim their greatness, or how many people agree with their assessment, the stars will remain indifferent.

Or Is It Love

My muse for this post suggests that love lies at the heart of this behavior. It can be love for oneself, family, community, or a higher power. Love fuels joy, commitment, and passion. Pursuing greatness might be the ultimate act of self-love; it's the willingness to claim all you deserve. When you love yourself deeply, you refuse to let the world define who you are. Instead, you assert your worth and express how deserving of love you are. Sometimes, through a mix of individual trauma responses and sheer luck, the world quiets its judgment and zealously agrees.

If love is the snowflake that triggers the avalanche, contentedness is the carefully placed dam, retarding and diverting the snowfall. Perhaps what I struggle with the most is understanding how to love myself as profoundly as those who strive for greatness do.

Perhaps, to be continued.

I'm unsure what I expected to get from setting up a Discord server. I mainly exercised open-mindedness when a friend explained why he had set one up for himself. This is similar to why another friend built his Slack group during the pandemic.

They sought community and believed either their opinions and perspectives or those of their friends would make for engaging and fruitful conversations. They were right, for the most part. Both groups followed a general guideline: "Do to me as you would to my face in my house." In other words, we are not faceless, anonymous figures conversing online. You are invited to this space like you would be asked to be at my house and expected to conduct yourself accordingly.

That simple guideline was my first red flag. It is a fair expectation, and I adopt the same general premise as a code of conduct for my server. But when I linger on this metaphor a bit more, I wonder, "When do I get to spend time in my own home?" The internet gives us this false sense of having unlimited access to unlimited data. But there are limits. Limits to how long you can or should scroll, read, and comment. Limits to what, when, and how you share, given you are doing so in spaces you don't necessarily control. Limits to where you can be at any one time.

The Where: That's probably the biggest reason my discord was doomed. I spend more time in my friend's server - and when there, for a little too long, I begin to think, "I've got shit to do; get out of here."

I set up my server, hoping to pool my disparate networks into one place, expand my perspectives, and share my point of view with people who have implored me to share more. And yet, when I extended the invites, three people joined. The rest still send me DMs and private comments on the random things I do and share online. I don't fault them. I fight the urge daily to delete accounts and profiles and leave groups - all to quiet the digital noise.

I switch between Discord, WhatsApp, and Slack multiple times a day. These additional touch points are more stressful for someone already drained by social media.

This blog was meant to house my long-form ramblings, not other's opinions on it.

I think that's enough for me.

This year, I scanned a few annual wrap-up mailers and realized I don't have a holistic view of how the year went for us as a family unit. A few highlights come to mind, but as a year, what exactly did we do?

🇩🇴 Well, we kicked off 2024 in the Dominican Republic. That alone is a surprise—it feels like two years ago! But remembering that puts into perspective how quietly wild a year we had.

🍾 There's a video somewhere of Kelley chugging a bottle of champagne in our room just hours before we flew back to Maryland. The trip was fun but a little too curated. We like being immersed in the countries we visit, and an all-inclusive resort didn't provide. Since then, family travel has been modest.

🏝️ During a week in Deep Creek, we became an Olympic-obsessed family. We hope to make it to LA for the '28 Olympics. Kelley and I made frequent day trips to Sandy Point this year, a departure from our typical week-long jaunts to Delaware and Florida. However, we did manage a long weekend in Bethany Beach as a family this summer.

📚 Kelley spent a lobster-filled few days in Maine for work. She's also been juggling a lot of creative output through writing across many mediums. Think novels, journals, social media campaigns, newsletters, blogs, whitepapers, and more! She's even joined a writing program to take her creative output to the next level. If you need some help on the communications front, I suggest contacting her soon because yesterday's price won't be tomorrow's price.

⛳️ I (Antoine) drove a van load of items roundtrip from DC to Florida over three days with my cousin and discovered I like road trips, despite the specific cause for this one. I also golfed... a lot, started a business (again, and more on that later), and joined a social club. Who am I?!

🏐 AJ (19) is having a very successful sophomore year studying Financial Economics and is eagerly seeking summer internships. Feel free to give us a holler if you have any leads. He's also been very active since joining an intramural volleyball team on campus.

🎷 Mia (16) is in her junior year of high school and leads the low brass section. During a band trip to Florida, she performed at Universal Studios and led her section during our city's Labor Day parade. We're planning to start touring colleges this Spring!

🕺🏽 Nathan (12) competes in dance, sometimes practicing up to nine hours a week. He's enjoying middle school (as much as anyone can) and had a successful few days at Outdoor Ed.

⚽️ Kelley and I became season ticket holders to DC's winningest team, the Washington Spirit, after watching them finish second this year in the NWSL and sending off the USWNT before their successful Olympic run. While we mainly stayed local this year, in addition to seeing the Wizards and DC United, we were grateful to see Stevie Wonder, Kid Fury, Meshell Ndegeocello, and a handful of local comedians live in warm and cozy venues.

Next year's calendar is already littered with dance competitions, professional training, trips, and commitments to pouring into and strengthing our relationships with each other and our greater community.

🎤 I wish you a prosperous and peaceful year, and should anyone get in the way of that for you - knuck if they buck.

I broke 100 on a golf course but not on a 72-par course. I'm still proud to have gotten that close, but I missed the target—twice, to be exact.

My 796-day streak on Duolingo came to a screeching halt this Fall. Without international travel on the calendar, my dedication faltered. I switched from Portuguese to Spanish before spending last New Year in the Dominican Republic. Since returning, my drive to practice dwindled, but somehow, I still managed to be in the top 5%.

I journaled and shared online far less than planned, primarily due to competing priorities and insecurities. I'm over the latter, but committing the time and energy to fleshing out my many ideas and thoughts is daunting. If I were to commit to that, I wouldn't have time for anything else. I just checked, and I have 11 draft posts I never even finished.

Honorable Mentions

The year was still full of accomplishments, and I'd be rude not to acknowledge them.

Sobriety

I'm 135 or so days sober. I stopped drinking on August 5th. In doing so, I've found that I do miss the taste of certain alcoholic beverages but find the non-alcoholic alternatives just as satisfying to both my taste buds and my limbic system. I haven't had a brutal headache, bubble guts, or out-of-control inflammation since. I also sorta quit coffee around that time. However, I'm far from caffeine-free. Rather than 2-3 cups of coffee daily to function, I have a protein shake. And on ocassion a soda as a treat or a Red Bull to power the rare long drive.

CrossFit

Regrettably, I let my L1 certification expire in September. I considered renewing it and getting back to coaching kids at a local gym. One gym invited me to provide feedback on their classes and coaches, and I may have been too critical—our mutual interest in working together and my desire to renew the L1 dissolved quickly. If I were to retain the certification, I'd want to use it on my terms, building something for myself. Not willing to transition my professional life wholely to fitness, I recommitted to my home gym efforts. I've gotten back to the fundamentals and training to support my hobbies rather than support competition. I'm eating simply and not overanalyzing macros. I'm down 4% body fat from last quarter. I'm the lightest I've been in January 2020. And I am on the verge of matching my lifetime personal best for a deadlift. Stay tuned!

UX By Us

I founded a user experience-centric consultancy and web development studio focused on short-term support for small businesses and augmenting existing development teams. It effectively rebrands my previous independent efforts from 2005, 2010, and 2020.

As For Next Year

It should be no surprise to anyone who knows me that I'm doubling down on last year's intentions and raising the stakes.

More Golf

Forget 100; I will break 90 on a 72-par course while playing at least 1,000 holes throughout the year. I've already played over 800 holes this year, so 1k is reasonable. My wife is getting me fitted for new clubs, improving my consistency. I'll sign up for lessons before the season starts. Clinics through the Black Golf Club will continue to fix holes in my game.

More Spanish

Tell Duo, I'm coming. Y será mejor que tenga mi dinero. I will get back my streak, 365 days of it to be exact. And over the next year, I'll put it to good use somewhere in Central or South America. I don't care if it's just a long weekend via Spirit Airlines, with only what I can fit into a sling bag. I'm going.

More Content

I'm not going to limit myself to sharing online through this medium. I've found joy in making sizzle reels and video journals. I'm looking into publishing some old music and maybe getting back into the practice of making new stuff, too. I'll put more out there and use this blog as a way to organize those disparate creative outlets.

Less Capitalism

Professionally, my intention for next year is to stop blindly supporting capitalism. Whether through my businesses or another, I want to do more work with people and for causes that are dear to me. I want to tackle problems that pique my interest over those that simply pay me well.

Here's to next year. 🥂

I loathe 90% of podcasters and "influencers." The big face on the screen talking to your phone sounds performative and needy. There are some exceptions. Roger Steel strikes me as hella authentic on Instagram. John Bernthal is my kind of guy when it comes to principles and conversation style on Real Ones. And N.O.R.E is my guilty pleasure with Drink Champs. It takes me back to hanging with the fellas, drinking too much, and talking shit.

A friend has been experimenting with micro video blogging on YouTube and briefly used me as a litmus test. Could he make these in a way that annoyed me less than most? It turns out that what resonates with me most is that he's not trying but so hard. The format is so casual and unpolished that I'm just listening to a friend share his thoughts. I can't be annoyed by his output because I'm not annoyed by him.

That effort inspired me to try something similar. Yesterday, I hit the golf course to test out some new winter gear, as I'm fully planning to play golf year-round. While doing so, I hung my phone from my bag and captured the short practice round on video.

Afterward, I received news from friends that saddened me, and I turned to these videos as a source of joy. I was grateful to have gotten out there and played. Who knows how long I'll be afforded that luxury? I mashed up the videos, narrated, and added effects, which was a surprising creative outlet.

I was unsure about posting because I'm not entirely sure there's a clear "why" to do so or not. I was apprehensive about publishing a 10-year-old song I recorded, and my aforementioned friend said:

I'm a hypocrite here, but I think you'll be fine.

Worst case scenario it goes viral for all the wrong reasons, and people dislike it generally, and you're judged socially for making it, and your artistic vision takes a serious hit.

But the sun will still rise, you'll still be you, and time still moves on. That moment of absolute blackness will get smaller and smaller in your rear view mirror, but you'll still be

And that's the worst that could happen

- A Random Old Guy On The Internet

So this morning, I hit upload on four of the nine golf reels. I'm still undecided on the song.

In hindsight, what I like most about this exercise is that watching it feels like I've relived that morning. There's something cathartic about it, so much so that I'm considering doing it again with a different focus. Maybe it'll be less about narrating and being cheeky and more about showing gratitude and reflection.

I don't know if that's what others get from the practice of talking to their phones, but maybe I should consider their why before I judge their how.

History has shown that this may be a mutually desired path. If achievable through diplomacy, perhaps this is the way.

Dissolution in politics is when a state, institution, nation, or administrative region dissolves or ceases to exist, usually separating into two or more entities, or being annexed. This can be carried out through armed conflict, legal means, diplomacy, or a combination of all or any of the three. [Wikipedia]

I gave up on being the change I wanted to see in the world long ago. I have diversified spaces and brought people along with me. I've expanded my perspective and remained open-minded throughout the journey. However, in 2016, I witnessed those diverse spaces begin to vanish. People were forcibly removed from the spaces I frequented. In 2020, it happened again. Relationships were severed, and opportunities diminished; politics overshadowed principles. And now, here we are again.

I woke up yesterday feeling pretty drained. I knew what was coming, and watching others finally come to that realization was difficult. I felt the pull of hibernation all day. Just get under the sheets and rest, I thought. You'll need your energy. I had hoped I was wrong.

Unfortunately, I still feel drained, almost in a dissociative state. I want to leave, but I'm not sure I can or where I would go. In the meantime, I will stand firm and defend those I love with everything I have. I've all but given up on Country, but I will ride for my State as long as it rides for me.

Let's be quick. I'm busy A.F. But in a super fun and exciting way. I've been on a long overdue therapeutic journey recently, and I'm coming to realizations—realizations that I want to lean into with my whole rabid logic.

I hate(d) sharing online. I hate(d) when others share.

It feels like noise; there's too much to pay attention to, and I shut it out to avoid the overwhelming pressure to keep up. This is also fueled by my ADHD and addictive personality, amongst other things. More on that later.

I'm an artist, first and foremost. I love to create. Art, regardless of its form, is meant to be shared. But sharing requires a vulnerability I've never embraced. Why wouldn't others dislike and devalue mine if I can ignore and be so easily annoyed by others' output?

Art is meant to be shared but not universally liked or appreciated. I've tried to course-correct in the past. I reminded myself that just because I don't like something doesn't mean it's not "good." The things I like are not objectively better than anything else. That what brings you joy should be celebrated by you and for you and doesn't need my voice of dissent.

I love creating, but I don't love sharing because the internet is built in a way that quantifies what people think of everything. What I've tried - is doing it anyway.

So, until a new revelation tells me to do otherwise, I'm going to:

• care less about what others think
• start making my presence bigger
• be more positive
• be more vulnerable
• be louder

And just like I've done to many people, brands, services, and platforms - you can opt out, unsubscribe, and unfollow. There are no hard feelings. Perhaps the real problem is that we've all tried too hard for too long to keep up with too much.

But for those who enjoy it, stick around. I'm glad you're here, and I hope you get to know the new'ish me.