It doesn’t suck losing a job or a steady income (well, okay, maybe it does suck a little bit), but when they told me that I wasn’t outgoing enough, I took it personally.  It made me think that I failed as a human being.

Luckily, I have a really great support system (Mom, Dad, Mark, Ethan, friends…thank you), who have already told me that they are proud of me and support me no matter what.

Right now, I’m pretty unsure about what I should do.

I feel like this is a door opening for me to focus more of my time and energy into photography–that’s what I want to do and that’s what I hope to do.

I’m hesitant because:
1) Ethan and I are about to get married.  If I don’t have a steady income, then that could hurt us financially.
2) I don’t feel like I’m well known enough to quit any sort of part time job in order to go into photography full time, no matter how badly I want to.
3) I’m afraid to take the risk, even if it could pay off in the end.

What do you guys think?

So, that’s why it’s taken me so long to edit these and blog them.

Kenya and Brad are a wonderful couple.  They had “a spring wedding in the middle of winter” but I loved it.

Without any further ado…here are some sneak peaks into Brad and Kenya’s big day!

Ever since I can remember, I’ve had low self-esteem.  I’ve never been comfortable with my body.  If we ever hang out, you’ll most likely see me sitting with my arms folded across my stomach, because I’m self conscious about that.  I’m conscious about my skin and how it’s too dry in some places and too oily in others.  My hair freaks me out sometimes and I generally cannot get it to do what I want.  There are days where I’ll look in the mirror and think “I look okay today!” and there are other days where I think “Well…I guess this is it…”  I have never NOT been completely aware with how I look at any given point in time.  I know that fighting my low self esteem will always be my biggest battle.  There are days where I actually want to work out and eat healthfully to change how I look, but those days are far and wide in between.

I would love to meet someone (especially a woman) who has never complained or thought negative thoughts about their body, just to see if they exist.

Before I move on, I want you, readers, to know that this post is not a cry for compliments or sympathy.  It’s just something that I want to share with you.  My dad says to me quite often that my vulnerability is one of my greatest gifts.  I want to give of myself to you in as many ways I can.  One of those ways is to open up.

Back to low self-esteem.  My lack of confidence doesn’t stop where my physical appearance ends.  It gushes over into other parts of my life.  Number one being my photography and the (potential and hopeful) career I plan on making out of it.

And that’s where I really want to touch on.

I’ve been tossing the phrase “constantly caught in between self-love and self-loathing” for about 4 years now.  It’s been floating around in my head like cloud that never burns away.  I am caught in the middle of self love and self loathing.

(This is where things may become rant-y….I apologize.)

For several years now, I have been comparing myself to others–to other women, to other students, to other photographers.  I cannot stop, no matter how desperately I want to.
I’ll look at photographers who are insanely talented and rack my brain with questions: How did they get to where they are now?  What equipment do they have?  What does their normal session or work day look like?  How can I become more like them?  How do they pose clients?  Do they even pose clients?  Where do they live?  What’s their personal life like?  Are they as busy as me?  Are they busier?  How old are they?  How long have they been photographing?  It goes on and on and on and on.

I’ll compare and study their images, thinking to myself “If only I had this ______.”
or “If only I didn’t have to do this ___________.”
or “I wonder if ___________.”

I constantly compare myself to other photographers and sometimes it makes me feel like I loathe them because they’re so successful, and sometimes it makes me want to study what they do and how they do it because they inspire me.
I’d rather be inspired by photographers, but if I’m constantly comparing myself to them, that inspiration I want hardly happens because I get caught up in petty ideas and thoughts.

Here is where I am in this moment in time:
I get married in a few months to my best friend.  That’s awesome, but until then…I’m probably going to be crazy.
I’m still planning said wedding.  I’ve had a lot of people ask to help, but I don’t know how they can help at the moment and it’s making me go crazy.
I graduate from college on May 11.  That’s awesome, but until then…I’m probably going to go crazy.
I just started a job (which I really wish I didn’t have to do–I wish I could photograph and make ends meet) that has me working twice as many hours a week than my old job…I enjoy the people and the atmosphere, but until I can (hopefully) do photography full time, I’ll be going crazy.
I’m right smack dab in the middle of moving to a new (perfect and adorable) apartment.
Organizing + packing + managing finances + setting up new electricity and internet accounts + emailing the landlords + dealing with my current landlord is making me go crazy.
I’m trying to meet with clients, schedule sessions, schedule their weddings, which I totally love, but right now, with everything else, every single email I have to answer adds to my building craziness.

I one hundred percent know that there are millions of people in the world who are 1) busier than me and 2) worse off than me.
But in this moment in time, I feel about a trillion pounds on my back and it’s often frustrating to deal with.

This all sounds like I’m making excuses.  And perhaps I am making excuses.  I probably am.

I’m still ranting, I think.  Nothing is very cohesive yet.  Sorry.

I think what I’m trying to say is this (and this may be more of myself trying to preach to myself):

There will always, always be people and photographers who are more successful than I am.  There will always be photographers who have better equipment and a client list that stretches from here to the moon.  There will always be people who don’t like my style and who want something more traditional.  There will always be people my age (which always seems to hurt the most) who are more successful photographers than me.

But:

Who am I to define success?
We each have our own definition.

Here is how I view success in regards to my photography:
- I hope to make art.  Not just pictures.  Not just images, but photographs that people love and cherish.  I want to move people.
- I hope to be able to support my family and myself financially (and preferably not just on a paycheck to paycheck basis–I want to save up for my future kids’ college and put away money into a travel fund…maybe even start on retirement)
- I hope to have and continue to have happy clients who love my style and want me to photograph them, their homes, their every day lives, and the things and people they love.
- I hope to build my business into something that people automatically know about the moment anyone says “Rachel Photographs” or “Rachel Waters” or (soon) “Rachel Hickerson.”  And I want them to be inspired by my work or by me.
- I want to take personal photos and shoot what I love to shoot.
- I want to help people out.  Everyone should be able to have professional photos taken of them (and I’m not talking Walmart or Target’s family portrait sessions).
- I want to be a photographer who posts her dates of travel and have people emailing me from that city or state or country asking if they can book a session while I’m there.
- I want to travel with my camera (and be able to afford to do that).
- I want my brand to be me and my photographs and the stories and praises my clients speak.
- I want to continue to grow into, be inspired by, and love photography and some of the people who make it.
-I want to nail down poses, my style, and a business plan that is convenient both for me and for my clients.
- I want to quit my day job.

None of that is out of reach, though it may take me a little while to get there.  My business is slowly, but surely, taking off.
It’s a frustrating process that has brought me to tears, headaches, curse words, and arguments.

But I love it with my whole heart.

I am not where I want to be yet.  But I am working on getting there each day.
There is not a day goes by where I think about how I can improve or what I can do to stay inspired (I envy people who possess some sort of inspiration cells that just course through their bodies all day…staying inspired is a job in and of itself).

I cannot tell you all how desperately I want this.
I want it SO bad.

I want to meet new people.
I want to be with people.
I want to grow.
I want to tell stories.
I want to document moments.
I want to photograph.

I will get there.  I will.  But I’m just not sure how long it will take me.

++++ A few weeks ago, I was having a really really terrible day.  I couldn’t stop crying.  I was feeling incredibly overwhelmed for many reasons.  There was a moment where I was lying in bed and I couldn’t catch my breath because of how hard I was crying.  I could not breathe. ++++

I decided to photograph my emotions.
Taking even the simplest self portraits wakes me up.
I become alive.  I know how cliche and lame that sounds, but there is no other way I know how to describe the feeling I get when I photograph.

Here are some of the portraits.
By the way, I took these wanting to be in the most natural state I could be in…so no makeup and I hadn’t washed my hair for a day or two.

If you’ve read this far, congratulations.  I really appreciate it.
Sometimes I just need to spill my guts.  This helped.

If you have anything to say, you may post a comment (I hope–my comments have been weird lately) or email me (hello[at]rachelphotographs[dot]com).  I’d love to hear from you.

But one thing I always want to grow in and progress in is my photography.  I’ve come up with a way for you guys to help me help you.

That makes sense, right?

I’m introducing my 2013 Photographic Goals.

Yay!

Let me explain:

I’m making a list of things I want to photograph.  If you (or anyone you know) are going to be a part of one of the following goals of mine, let me know!  I’m offering 10%-25% off these weddings and sessions in order to complete my goals.

Rachel Photographs 2013 Goals:

+ A vintage themed wedding
+ An outdoor wedding
+ A whimsical wedding
+ A live birth
+ 5 seniors
+ A trash-the-dress session
+ A unique engagement session
+ A non-traditional family session
+ 2 models (one guy and one lady)
And I want to finish my color series.

Also, if you’re not in the market for any photographs at the moment, but you refer someone to me (make sure you let them know you sent them!), then there will be a perk or two in it for you!

To find out how to get 10%-25% off your wedding or session, please email me here: hello (at) rachelphotographs (dot) com.  This will be on a primarily first-come-first-served basis.  This is a wonderful opportunity for you and for me!

Today, I’m going to try to explain why being a photographer is more than just “clicking the button on a nice camera.”
I know there have been people write these types of posts before, and they have been wonderful to read, but I think it’s about time I put my two cents in.

And by the way, I’m not writing this post out of bitter feelings, anger, frustration, the feeling of being unappreciated or anything.  I’m writing it because it needs to be said and people need to hear it.

Here we go.

If I had $5 for every time I’ve heard one of the following:

“Your job is so easy!  All you do is click a button!”
“Your camera is nice…it must take really good pictures.”
“You charge THAT MUCH for pictures?”

Then I probably wouldn’t have to work for a few years.

It’s nice knowing that some of the people I interact with think that my life is stress free.  However, if you really know me (on more than just a facebook or twitter level), then you know that I am dealing with a lot right now.  And whenever I feel like the weight of the world is about to crash land on my toes, I still have a billion things to give thanks about.  I’m 21, a full time student in her last semester, who is planning her wedding, working another job, and trying to operate and build a successful business all while trying to find the time to spend with family, fiance, and friends.  But, I’ll say it again, I’m incredibly thankful for all of it.

Moving on.

Here are just some of the reasons and explanations why being a photographer isn’t easy.

1) Now that Canon and Nikon produce relatively cheaper bodies of DSLRs, it’s easier than ever for people to get their hands on a “good camera.”  If every page owner of a photography business on facebook (whether actually professional or not) gave fifty cents towards ending hunger around the world, we’d have children who could eat more than once every two days.
It is incredibly frustrating to see someone just getting into photography, who still doesn’t really know what their camera does, who shoots with kit lenses and the built in flash try to take on senior pictures or weddings.  And what’s even more frustrating is that people pay these certain “photographers” money to photograph the biggest days of their lives because they’re “cheaper than most photographers.”  Actual professional photographers are more expensive for several reasons.  But I’ll get into that later.

So, with the massively expanding availability of “photographers” out there, it is A) more difficult to get clientele who want beautiful photos as opposed to cheap photos and B) there is seemingly more competition to deal with.  As much as some photographers call other photographers their friends (and I consider myself to have many friends who are also photographers), I think we all feel the need to somehow prove ourselves worthy of being called a photographer.  Does that make sense?  There’s always the need, the drive to be the best and do the best and have the best work and clients and stuff like that.

2) Photographers are more than just people with good equipment.  That is, there is SO much more than just snapping away at a couple or family and then burning all the photos from the session onto a disc, mailing them to the couple or family, asking for $50 bucks in return, and never speaking with them again. Sure, that would be easy, and with prices that cheap, you’d probably have clients knocking on your door at 2 in the morning trying to schedule a session with you.

BUT: there is so much more to running a business than shooting and burning a disc.  Let me explain (and I’m still learning, so this is just my basic method of running my own business).  There are finances that you have to deal with.  How much did your equipment cost?  I’m talking camera body, maybe two or more, various lenses (that all work for specific types of settings and shots…not all lenses are created equal), CF cards, SD cards, external flashes, other lighting equipment, reflectors, possible studio space or a separate building you work from, then packaging supplies, discs, or thumb drives, prints, canvases, ink, an accountant who keeps track of all of your profit and expenses, and a domain name, hosting site, and website.  Then there’s mileage you drive to meet with clients, and the coffee or sandwich you buy them when you meet with them.  You have to factor in the editing software you use and the computer(s) you edit on.  Then you have to charge (or factor in) the correct percentage of taxes to charge for each session or wedding.  I’m fairly certain that $50 for a disk of images isn’t going to cover too many of your expenses… However, if it works for you, then it works for you.

Then, there comes the actual running of your business, all the things that go behind scenes outside of sessions.  You must check and answer emails from clients to set up appointments with them.  You must keep records of your expenses and profits, as well as keep an organized schedule.  Then you meet with the clients, and get to know them.  Sometimes I give clients a little questionnaire for them to fill out.  You try to balance friendship with business.  Then, you meet for their session or engagement shoot or wedding and you lug around 10+ lbs of equipment while kneeling, lunging, running each and every way trying to get the best shots possible.  For weddings, I’ve had 4 hour days, and I’ve had 12 hour days of doing nothing but shooting.  From any given wedding, I’ll have taken anywhere from 800 photos to about 1800 photos.  I don’t give all of those to the clients.  From those several hundred, I’ll cull them, leaving another several hundred of the “best” ones, and then begin the editing process.  It takes hours and hours and hours to edit weddings.  A week ago, I photographed a bride for maybe an hour and a half.  I took around 300 photos, went home and sat down and editing non stop until I got those done.  It took probably 3 hours just for those bridals.  And that was after I took the best images out of those.

After you’re finished editing photos, you should package them nicely and professionally (which also costs money) and then you send them on your way or meet with the clients to go over them.

Outside of sessions or weddings, there’s always the heavy weight of keeping your business up to date, marketing, branding, and getting your name out there.  Then there’s all the legal aspects of running your own business, but I won’t go into that here.

3) I’m a fairly new photographer.  Especially in OKC.  Getting my name out there is one of the most challenging aspects of my business.  Granted, I am a full time student who also works another job, so I may not be able to spend as much time on promoting myself as I’d like.  With that said, I have seen a steady increase in my clientele with each year and am excited about the future.

When people don’t know who you are, you’re less likely to be hired.  That’s just a given.  So, in my experience, since I am not-so-known, I will often go several weeks without a session or wedding, and am therefore, not being paid to do my job.  No photographer is guaranteed any work.  They can promote themselves until they’re 80 years old and still never have someone hire them.  Fortunately, that rarely happens.  Without your clients, your so-called “fan base,” it’s very difficult to establish yourself as a professional photographer (as far as shooting people go…there are always awesome photogs who focus on landscapes or other things).

Too often than not, that’s where I find myself.  I WANT to have hundreds of clients who want me to photograph them.  I WANT to be able to quit my “day job” and focus full time on pursing my passion and living my dream.  I WANT to eventually be comfortable with where I am financially and be able to support myself, and my family as well as give to people who need it.  But I am not guaranteed any of that.  I have to work really hard to get that.

Being a photographer is my dream.  This is what I want to do.  With every session, with every image I take, I become alive.  This is an art and a job that fulfills my desire to learn, to stretch myself, and to create.  Though I am still learning, still hoping for an increase in clientele and ultimately good friends, and still unable to do this as much as I want, I feel incredibly blessed to be able to call this my (part time) job.  I want it to be my full time job soon.  I am passionately in love with being a photographer.

If you’ve read all of this, congratulations…you’ve done something extraordinary.

I just want to leave you with this:

Before you worry about money when hiring a photographer, get to know them, look and study their work, ask them questions, make sure you feel comfortable with them.  When you hire them (and hopefully their images are beautiful), remember that it’s their job to make you feel and look beautiful and/or rugged and manly, that it’s their job to capture some of the most memorable and stunning moments of your life.  Remember that after your wedding is over, all that you’ll have left are the memories.  I would rather pay a bit more knowing that those memories are going to be beautifully captured.  Before you let your cousin with a Canon Rebel photograph your wedding because it’s free or cheap, do a little bit of research and find a photographer whom you love.  If that happens to be me, then I am already ecstatic.

When all is said and done, the few things that remain are memories.  Let me (or another really awesome professional) document those memories.  You will not be disappointed.  I promise.

Thank you for letting me share what I think, feel, and hope.

I am so blessed to be able to do what I do.  Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

So, apparently, this blog post type has been circling the interwebs for some time now.  My friends/fellow bloggers, Amanda and Sydney did this type of post this past week, so I thought I’d give it a try.  I tend to somewhat pretty far away from “bandwagons” (though there are always exceptions!) and thought this would be a good feature to do every once in a while.  Sometimes posting photos of people (not that I don’t love it) can possibly get old to my readers.  Here’s what’s up right now:

Photo taken quite some time ago by my lovely rugged and manly fiance, Ethan.

Watching // The clock, waiting on Ethan to get home.

Listening to // Angus & Julia Stone’s “Black Crow.”  It’s rad.

Planning // A new system of organizing my business/blog.

Thinking about // Taking a long bath, painting my nails, and finally reading the magazines that have been sitting on my floor for a few weeks.

Loving // The food I just ate…homemade veggie alfredo (with homemade alfredo sauce…hollah!) with baked asparagus (recipe soon?)

Stressing about // School, wedding, business…the usual.

Looking forward to // Having a long weekend…And Cafe Kacao on Saturday with Momma.  I like food.

Reading // Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales (in Mid English, I might add), Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Papertowns.
 I have a rather expansive reading list at all times.

Making me happy // My life.  I know it’s cliche, but even with all the stress that I’m feeling, I have it really good.

Wishing // That I could book more clients and therefore quit my day job. ;)  And that this semester would hurry up.
Day 3 and I’m already tired of it.  That, folks, is a MAJOR case of senioritis.

Enter Mr. Garrels.

 This is a screenshot from his website, where you can listen to and buy his albums.

Number 3 on this album, “Farther Along” is, in my opinion, one of the most uplifting songs ever.  I seriously get chills every time I listen to it.  Which is a lot.

He’s a really talented musician and is walking the off-beat trail that many christian musicians don’t even know about.  His voice rocks.  His lyrics are stunning.  And you can tell, in each song, how he lives his life praising the God of the universe.  His love for God and God’s love for him is evident throughout each of his albums.

I encourage you to go listen.  You won’t be disappointed.

(I was in love with Rachel’s shoes.)

With love,
Rachel

Sorry I’m 4 days late.
But, hey, better late than never, right?

I’m here to share my 2013 goals.  I think this will be a wonderful year.  I get to marry my best friend.  I graduate college, which means that I can finally focus full time on photography.  And I feel more creative and motivated in a long time, which definitely can’t hurt.

I made a list of 35+ goals for the new year, but I’ll only share some main ones with you guys.

via Pinterest.

+ I want to (re)start and finish c25k.
+ I want to do a 52 week photo challenge that requires me to get creative and out of my comfort zone.
+ I want to keep track of loved ones’ birthdays and send cards/gifts when appropriate.
+ I want to read (or re-read) 20 books.
+  I want to try 52 new things.
+ I want to figure out a system for my business that works and makes sense.
+ I want to shoot more film.
+ I want to cook 3 times a week (minimum).
+ I want to learn a new word a week and incorporate it into my vocabulary.
+ I want to go explore and have new adventures.
+ I want to learn more jokes.
+ I want to get toned.
+ I want to (try to) be more social.
+ I want to have a larger online presence (outside of facebook and twitter).

Ethan and I also made goals for each other as a couple and a few goals we want to see each other accomplish.
His for me was to do 4 creative things without putting them online (though I may have to eventually ;)); just to do something creative for me.
I really like that.  And I really like him.

A few of our “couple” goals are:

+ To support local artists/events/restaurants more often.
+ To make a budget and stick with it.
+ To cook dinner once a week together.
+ To have more “different” dates (other than going out to eat and dinner).
+ To get ALL wedding things done by May 1 (which is exactly a month before our big day).

There you have it.
Have a lovely evening, and happy new year!

With love,
Rachel