The word feminist also connotes an older generation (our grandmas, great aunts, and moms), a slobby, unkempt aesthetic, and the age-old image of women getting hysterical over something unimportant. What high school girl wants to be associated with all that? In short, proclaiming oneself a feminist in high school is often social suicide.

It’s nearly impossible to make someone care about something, and notoriously impossible to make a teenager do so. Parents are constantly nagging us to care about everything from our grades to our future careers to our health, to our haircuts (especially with the current bed-head trend).

Those of us who do utter the f-word are faced with two options. We can learn to ignore and laugh off the hurtful comments–a choice that is both protective and isolating–or we can try to persuade the others. This brings me to a question many feminists have struggled with lately: how do you make a teenage girl care about feminism?

A huge part of teenage culture is not caring: seeming too cool to get excited or upset over something. Expressions such as whatever, chill out, and (the most blatant example) I don’t care display just how prevalent this culture of not caring really is. Worst of all, those who do care are forced to either hide it or stick out like a teenager with a clean bedroom.

In addition to wanting to seem “chill,” and not be associated with old, ugly cat-ladies, many girls don’t see the relevance of the movement in today’s society. With so many of us girls taking rights such as birth control and athletic opportunities for granted, feminism seems like a relic of the past, when the truth is, it is still very important.

What I’ve realized (in my escapades through girl-world and teenagerland) is that you can’t force-feed feminism–or much else, for that matter. Instead, I start conversations about issues affecting girls and women with my peers and friends. Because, while we teenagers often don’t like to care, we love to complain.

I discovered this tactic the day I started a conversation with my classmates in Health class about the different ways teachers treat boys and girls. My teacher had separated our class by gender and told us we could discuss whatever we wanted. After sitting for a few minutes in silence, despite occassional prompts from our teacher (what can I say? none of us wanted to care), I brought up the topic of teachers–something everyone loves to complain about. Pretty soon, all the girls in the group were involved in a heated rant about how boys get away with worse behavior in the classroom. At the end of the class, I really wanted to get up and shout, “WOOHOO FEMINISM!” and shower everyone in purple confetti, but I contained myself.

The truth is, some things are better left unsaid. Last year, when I interviewed Amy Richards, feminist author and all-around inspiring gal, I brought up my dilemma with the lack of self-proclaimed teenage feminists, and she helped me realize that it may not matter what people think of the word, if they agree with the agenda.

In some ways, feminism is like vegetables. It can’t be force-fed, but it can be snuck into a casserole.

Fiona Lowenstein is a high school junior, Girls Leadership Institute alumna and weekly guest blogger. Learn more about her work here.

We all have gaps in our broad base of knowledge. I am woefully ignorant about math. Sure, I can balance my checkbook and manage my personal finances, even figure out basic percentages and deal with compound interest. But that’s just basic arithmetic. Show me an algebraic equation, and my eyes glaze over in record time.

Or at least that used to be the case. A couple of years ago, I decided enough was enough, and started to teach myself calculus. Not only did I discover that this seemingly useful branch of math was relevant to my daily life, I also found it wasn’t nearly as scary and difficult as I’d always assumed it would be.

I’ll never be a whiz at calculus – that comes with years of practice – but I learned the basics and have a new appreciation for all things math. I no longer cringe when I see an equation. And I also gleaned some useful lessons that could help parents steer their kids away from falling into the “I hate math” trap – particularly their daughters.

Take math outside the classroom and find examples in everyday life. I never took calculus or physics in school. I discovered physics when I became a science writer, and started talking to scientists firsthand. I visited labs, read about the rich history, and had the chance to see firsthand how physics is done in the real world, not in a standard classroom. It made the subject come alive for me in a way a textbook never could.

When I set about learning calculus, I adopted a similar approach, finding the math wherever I happened to be: learning to surf in Hawaii, househunting with my husband, or relishing the rides at Disneyland. Math is literally all around us, but the traditional curriculum doesn’t always capture what doing math is really like. Most of us just don’t resonate well to how the subject is usually taught. Our brains don’t work that way. But make it relevant to us in some tangible way, and we become far less resistant, even interested.

Foster a healthy attitude toward failure and focus on learning instead of grades. I was a perfectionist as a teenager, terrified of doing the wrong thing, or of getting the wrong answer. Because math didn’t come as easily to me as other subjects, I just assumed I lacked the ability to excel at it – despite getting top grades in the few math classes I did take. Deep down, I knew I didn’t fully grasp why I was plugging in numbers; I was just blindly following the rules. So I felt I didn’t deserve the good grades, and that colored my attitude towards math as an adult. That adolescent form of Imposter Syndrome chipped away relentlessly at my confidence in my own ability.

I am not alone in this. Many of the people I spoke to about their dislike of math said that it started when they failed at their first attempt at algebra, for example – and that failure shattered their confidence.  Or, like me, they knew they didn’t really understand it.

Perhaps if we all had healthier attitudes towards failure, fewer high school students would develop such a profound dislike of math. Failure is how we learn, after all, and it’s an unavoidable reality of adulthood. I faced down an irrational fear that had haunted me for years: a fear of failure, with all the kneejerk avoidance and dislike of numbers that comes from that. Any time we can confront our own self-doubt and fear of failure, it makes us stronger and more empowered. That’s not gender specific. It’s true of both boys and girls.

Don’t let your own negative experiences in math class color your child’s perception of it. Many parents had their own negative experiences in math class, and thus may feel insecure in their grasp of math — particularly once their child reaches algebra and calculus. I once heard a teenaged girl admit to being curious about physics. Her mother assured her daughter that no, she didn’t want to take a physics class! It’s not fun at all and anyway, “You don’t like math and wouldn’t be good at it.”

It’s true that the math and physics curriculum in high school isn’t as fun as encountering physics and math in the outside world. But when will this girl ever get to discover that math and science reveal amazing, hidden patterns in how the world works, if she’s actively discouraged from being interested by her own mother while still in high school?

Even if you hated math in school, encourage your child to explore whatever subject captures her interest. Perhaps you could even use that interest as an opportunity to rediscover the world of math and find a renewed appreciation yourself.

Jennifer Ouellette is the author of The Calculus Diaries: How Math Can Help You Lose Weight, Win in Vegas, and Survive a Zombie Apocalypse. She blogs at Cocktail Party Physics.

Photo by Shana Sureck for The New York Times

Photo by Shana Sureck for The New York Times

My name is Fiona. I’m a rising high school junior, a feminist, a musician, a crossword puzzler, a klutz, a debate nerd, a New Yorker, a history buff, a food enthusiast (FOOD GOOD!), a bicyclist, a pet owner, an avid reader and a blogger. I’m sixteen years old, and I believe in the power of teenage girls.

For the past year, I’ve been blogging regularly for my own website, as well as the Girls Leadership Institute blog. I’ve also guest blogged for the WonderGirls and the Huffington Post.

I blog because it’s an amazing way to connect, share opinions and begin meaningful conversations. Blogging allows me to step outside my everyday world and speak to a larger, more diverse audience. I’ve always tried to stand up for what I believe in, and sometimes suffered the consequences. As my close friend Lilly said in her introductory blog last fall, “being an ambitious girl in high school is a lonely business.” Luckily, although this is true, certain incredible organizations, people and opportunities — such as this blog, and the Girls Leadership Institute, where I first met the inspiring Rachel Simmons —make it possible to feel a little less lonely while staying strong-minded.

I plan to blog about the struggles of being an outspoken teenage girl as well as the difficulties often faced by women and girls who decide to stand up for themselves. However, I will also pass along great stories of girls who have been recognized for their ambition and drive, because while I’ve experienced some tough moments, I’ve had many more that were encouraging.

One of my passions is politics, so I will blog about women in leadership positions. Being in high school, I also want to start some conversations on the topic of female friendships, relationships, cliques and stereotypes.

As I mentioned before, I believe in the power of teenage girls: I believe in our power to be strong when we choose and silent when we choose. I believe in our power to convince and to compromise. Most of all, I believe in the power of teenage girls to just sit, talk and listen to one another–we do it at slumber parties all the time! I look forward to sharing my ideas and hearing yours (no matter your age or gender!) so we can be sure to continue a much needed dialogue about all the tough things girls and women face, and all the wonderful things they encounter.

Thanks for listening!
Fiona

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Working in a high school atmosphere, I see firsthand how young women especially are pushing themselves too hard on occasion. The pressure to be the most involved can be too great for some. Running in a million directions may make us seem invincible. “Look at me! I never sleep but I keep going!”

In their book America’s Teenagers: Myths and Realities, Sharon Nichols and Thomas Good write, “While parents and educators argue for better academic achievement and higher standards, too few recognize that tired, overworked, and overextended teens will be hard-pressed to do well.”

This is not to say that pushing teens to do their best work is a bad thing. It’s great to have parents, teachers, coaches and counselors who inspire you to maximize your potential. But the “more is better” lifestyle raises some long-term concerns to think about.

Here are some of the myths about success, along with lessons to be learned:

1. Doing more stuff makes me a better person. Do you measure your worth based upon how much stuff you do? Do you compare yourself to others? “What a loser – I only have one AP class, am in two clubs, and only play one sport!” This is an example of determination gone awry. If we value ourselves based on quantity, not quality, we are missing the mark. Being a healthy PERSON is as important as being active and involved. Grounded teens become sound adults. Ask yourself these questions for a quick reality check:
What KIND of teammate am I? How do I show leadership in my school activities? How do I take pride in my school work?
The Lesson: More isn’t better, it’s just more.

2. I have to take as many AP classes as possible. This is a tricky one! Colleges look for good grades AND challenging courses. However, if you are barely pulling a B- in Pre-Calc, chances are AP Calculus is over your head. On the other hand, your masterful writing skills might make you a great candidate for AP English. Know your strengths and be honest with yourself about your limitations. These decisions require quality chats with a counselor and/or your parents. Yes, you want to do your best, but be realistic!
The Lesson: Honesty is crucial for balance and long-term success.

3. My parents will kill me if I don’t get straight A’s. Let’s be straight. Parents LOVE when you do well. Who didn’t love getting five bucks for that killer second grade report card? The key to this one is COMMUNICATION. Are you struggling with Bio and pulling a C? Instead of stalking the mailman to snag your report card, consider having a heart to heart with your parents. Try communicating with them as soon as you hit a bump. It might look something like this: “Mom, Dad, science just isn’t my thing. I have been going for extra help and trying to study more, but I feel lost. Can we talk about some suggestions to improve my grade?” While I can’t guarantee your parents’ reaction to this one, being proactive shows responsibility and maturity, and it earns trust.
The Lesson: Anything is possible when you communicate!

When I was a teenager, you might have called me lazy according to today’s standards. I participated in youth group, service projects, and I did theater productions. I was not in a lot of school clubs, nor did I play sports. I had a good group of friends and truly enjoyed everything I did. I went to college and am fortunate enough to say that I do what I love. As an educator, life coach, and entrepreneur I believe I have it all.

Being honest with yourself, communicating, and making sound decisions are vital life skills. Conquer the “more is better” myth by developing and using these tools now. Take a breath and watch who you become! Do you have any other suggestions for battling this myth? Please add them here!

That’s because “just kidding,” and its cousin, “no offense,” are phrases girls (and guys, though less frequently) use to hurt each other without having to own up.

The phrases seem fairly innocuous, cute little jabs that aren’t supposed to leave a mark. They allow you to say something mean and still appear to be a likable Good Girl. Adults often ask me why it’s not enough to respond, “That’s not funny!” Partly because there is a social script kids use in situations like this. If you fight back against a mean joke, you’re likely to hear retorts like, “What’s your problem? Can’t you take a joke? I was just kidding! You’re taking it the wrong way,” and so on. The hurt girl is silenced. She has learned that if she doesn’t go along with the joke, she’ll lose membership in her group.

To be sure, not every instance of “just kidding” should raise our hackles. Teasing is often healthy and fun, not to mention an important part of interpersonal and individual development. But when it’s abused, “just kidding” contains a disturbing logic: If I didn’t mean it, it didn’t happen.

To understand this more clearly, consider that every act of aggression can be divided into two parts: intent and impact. Intent first refers to what you meant when the aggression occurred; impact, to what actually happened. The meaning behind “just kidding” is: if I didn’t intend to hurt you, the impact didn’t occur. If I was just kidding, or I didn’t mean it, I can’t get in trouble. You can’t be mad at me. You can’t not be my friend. And so on.

This logic is dangerous for two reasons. First, true respect in relationship means respecting others’ feelings. In other words, we can’t tell someone else how she should feel. Only you get to say if you’re hurt or not. Second, the logic allows kids to deny responsibility for rude behavior. “Just kidding” also compromises girls’ integrity because it allows girls to project a “nice” image, even as they make disrespectful remarks.

If you’re a girl with a friend who makes mean jokes, try this:

Ask her to respect your feelings. Tell the joker that just because she didn’t mean it, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Sure, you understand she didn’t mean it, but you  need her to respect the fact that it hurt you. If she says, “you took it the wrong way,” remind her that everyone takes jokes differently and people are sensitive about different things. Teach her the NJZ (see below).

Ask her what’s really bothering her. Girls who use jokes to be nasty are often hiding other feelings they are struggling to express. Ask her if she’s okay and if there is anything you need to talk about to clear the air.

If you’re a parent or teacher and have a “just kidding” epidemic at home or in your classroom, try this:

Define the behavior as a form of aggression. It’s not just a joke. Affirm that you find the behavior inappropriate and compare it to a type of aggression she already understands: overt insults, hitting, etc.

Create consequences. Explain that if you continue to hear “just kidding” used as a way to be mean, there will be a consequence—loss of a privilege for a period of time, for example.

Look in the Mirror. Do you use humor as a way to take swipes? The girls in your life are watching and listening. She will follow the right example if you set it.

Create a No-Joke Zone (NJZ) in your home or classroom. Establish the NJZ as a code that anyone, adults or kids, can use to draw the line. The NJZ creates a new script, and the protocol goes like this: When someone makes a joke that crosses the line and an NJZ is called, the other person must apologize – sincerely, not “sorrreeeee!” – and the subject must be changed.

As my Mom always said, “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.” Using definition,  positive alternatives and consequences for girls will help foster critical truth-telling skills and make them more trustworthy, honest young people to boot.