]]> http://www.rachelsimmons.com/2013/05/6828/feed/ 1 http://www.rachelsimmons.com/2013/05/girl-tip-61-your-friends-will-disappoint-you/ http://www.rachelsimmons.com/2013/05/girl-tip-61-your-friends-will-disappoint-you/#comments Fri, 17 May 2013 13:23:12 +0000 Betsy Wheeler http://www.rachelsimmons.com/?p=9253 Freaking out & condemning a friendship when someone lets you down isn’t productive. No one is perfect, & your friendships won’t be either. Make room for occasional disappointment. Try to temper your response with compassion & forgiveness; someday, you will need it, too.

Dear Rachel,

My entire life, I’ve been kept from really living by my shyness. There have been too many situations to count where I could’ve done so much, I could’ve enjoyed more, and I could’ve been happier if I hadn’t been so timid.

Maybe it’s my self-consciousness: What will they think of me if I go out and play sports? What will they say about me joining this? That’s always in my mind when I make a decision. 

I want to live free, be confident, and be myself. What can I do?

–Nikki

Dear Nikki,

So many people disconnect from what’s going on inside them. High five for being self-aware enough to know something doesn’t feel right! Sitting on the sidelines of life is very painful. If you think fear is holding you back, you’ll have to work hard to overcome it. It won’t happen overnight—you’ll have to invest time and effort in it every day (or almost!).

Here’s how you can start: First, spend some time really thinking about why you are so afraid of what other people think.

You might even want to write about it. Focus on these questions:

Why do you think people care so much about what you do and say? What do you imagine they will think? How likely are your fears to come true (is there any evidence that people care as much as you think they do)? And if they were to come true, what’s the worst thing that could happen? Can you live with whatever that is? When people look their worst fears in the face, they are often surprised to learn those fears are not as awful as they thought.

Once you’ve reflected, I want you to come up with one or two very small goals that may help you change some of your shy behavior. Maybe your goal will be to make eye contact with someone you’re normally too shy to look at. Or maybe it’s saying “hi” to someone you’ve never spoken to before, or texting someone new. The goal should be to do something that you are anxious about trying to accomplish—but it shouldn’t terrify you. If you pick something really scary, you’re unlikely to try it.

If you can accomplish one small goal, come up with another one, then another one. Take it slow and focus on small changes you make to the way you act. Reach out to a friend who might be a cheerleader as you take on these risks.

Small changes lead to big ones. But big changes—trying to become a different person overnight—usually lead to defeat.

Trust me on that one. It’s like crash diets where you suddenly deprive yourself of food: They never work. Slowly changing your eating habits does.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, and you won’t get rid of your shyness overnight either. But if you commit to small, reasonable changes, they will add up to something you—and others—will be able to see and celebrate.

Good luck!

Rachel

This post originally appeared on Teen Vogue.

In the latest episode, Rachel looks at the way social networking and texting can make girls compare themselves to others.

Still, that question got me thinking.  Why do I need to wait for one day out of 365 to do something good for myself, sans guilt?  I spend my days and weeks and years taking care of everyone and everything around me. Don’t we all?  We manage our households and our jobs outside the home; we take care of our kids, husbands, and partners; some of us are squeezed between childcare and eldercare; many of us haven’t slept in years.  And yet we wait for one glorious day out of the year to have some cosmic permission to take care of ourselves

But the reality is that so many people depend on us that we really need to take care of ourselves every day, in big and small ways.

In honor of Mother’s Day – in honor of the sacrifices we make everyday – I’m sharing a Top Ten list of how we moms can take better care of ourselves so that we are better able to take care of those around us.

(And if you don’t have time to actually do any of these things, then just hide out in the bathroom until you finish reading the list!)

Be grateful.  Being a mom is exhausting and exhilarating all at the same time.  It’s easy to miss the big picture when we’re in the thick of it, but writing down or making a mental list of the things and people you are grateful for might just shed a whole new perspective on the monotony of making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches every single day.

Head outdoors or to the gym.  We send the kids out to play, but how about us? Even ten minutes in the fresh air and sunshine can boost our moods and get us some extra Vitamin D.  If you dislike the outdoors, take a spin class or a yoga class at your local gym or community center.  You deserve play time, too, and exercising demonstrates a good example for our kids.  So grab your sneakers and leave the guilt behind.

Make and keep doctor appointments.  All of us moms are experts at scheduling our kids’ well visits for everything from the pediatrician to the dentist.  But many of us forego making appointments for ourselves.  Getting an annual physical, mammogram, or dental exam is a critical component in keeping ourselves healthy and available to take care of our own families.  There’s never enough time for anything . . . but we need to make time for our health.  So go make those appointments now.

Perform a random act of kindness.  Yes, I know we are always taking care of someone else.  But, sometimes, doing something we don’t have to do for someone else – like holding a door open or paying for a stranger’s coffee – can boost our own mood and give us a positive attitude for the rest of the day.  Giving someone else comfort or happiness may be continually passed forward, like dominoes, throughout the day, from stranger to stranger.  We may be on the receiving end of that kindness one day. And what a great example for our own kids to see.

Plan a date night.  Who cares if your dress or jeans are too tight and your hair hasn’t seen the inside of a salon in months?  Walk out the door and spend some quality time with your significant other, without having to cut up anyone’s food or referee another argument.  No babysitter? Put the kids to bed and watch a movie – without folding laundry.  It’s nice to remember that you are a wife, girlfriend, or partner – and not just everyone’s mother.

Go shopping.  Splurging once in a while is good for the spirit.  It doesn’t have to be a big-ticket item, it just has to be something you want for just you.  Save up a little each week if necessary, but don’t spend the money on diapers.  You deserve something pretty every now and then, too.

Make plans with your girlfriends.   Read: not your mom friends. While I literally could not survive parenting without my mom friends, I really enjoy spending time with my single and childless friends.  They provide a different perspective on life and give me the opportunity to discuss something other than the best summer camps or the newest video games.  It’s a nice (and sometimes necessary) escape from the world of parenting.

Pamper yourself.   Head to the hair or nail salon, book a facial or massage, or give yourself an at-home pedicure.  When I take some time to feel pretty again – to feel human again – I am instantly more patient and available to my kids and husband.  That ten minute manicure can do wonders for our soul.

Find a hobby.  Join a book club, learn to crochet, or take up scrapbooking.   Finding an interest outside your kids’ sports activities and school projects is just one more way to shift our focus toward ourselves, if only temporarily, and allow ourselves the freedom to be creative.  And forget the guilt – one more episode of Dora the Explorer isn’t going to permanently damage the kids.

Know your worth.  Speak your mind, tell your family you love them, stop apologizing for things that are not your fault, and advocate for yourself and your kids when necessary.  Don’t hold the anger and guilt inside.  Be a leader, share your opinions, and show your sons and daughters that you matter.  Just because you gave up your career to devote yourself to your kids, or conversely, just because you miss bedtime occasionally, doesn’t mean you are worth less as a person.  You are doing the best you can, so be kind to yourself.

Take care of yourselves, Moms!  I wish you all a happy, peaceful Mother’s day, filled with gratitude for our many blessings as women and mothers.

Rosemarie Coppola-Baldwin is a practicing attorney and a dedicated mother of  two children.  A Georgetown University graduate, Rosemarie has practiced law at a major New York City law firm and for the City of New York. Rosemarie has been a guest lecturer on women’s civil rights and related legal issues at St. John’s University (New York), and offers pro bono legal services to a variety of entities.