From the Heart and Soul

I have been

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 05:46:00 +0000

I have been

I have been asked time and again, who I am, what am I about, what makes me tick. I also am asked about the medications I am on and the choice I make on occasions to not take them for a day or two. Let me tell you about it.

One of my first memories when I am asked that is being touched by a 16 year old when I was 9. I carry my scars on my body, my soul, my heart and my mind. I have been a child, a toy, a sister, a girlfriend, a pregnant mother. I have been a lover, a hater, a friend and an enemy.

I don’t hide from my background or my life. I have made my mistakes and I have made others mistakes. I have run head long down dark tunnels and been lead threw doors. I have run away from myself and others. I have kicked the gift horse in the mouth and opened the door to the Trojans.

I have fought for others while leaving myself open for attack. I have walked away from things that I should have run from and run faster than hell from the things I should have embraced.

It’s a familiar story in fact in one way or another I am betting it is the same one everyone has or will have. When I began my medications, I was at the lowest point a life can go. I had nothing left to lose because I had nothing left that I valued.

To be honest to this day I do not know why I steeped from the brink of suicide and decided to give it one more try.

I gave each new medication “one more day” each one making me sick. Months and then years I took the drugs the Doctors kept telling me to take. I have lost count of the number of medications I have tried. Though I can remember clearly spending years of life with my head in the toilet bowl “getting use to” yet another medication.

At one point I had a real ass kicker. I sat down to balance my check book and I reliized that I didn’t know how to do math anymore. That’s right. I couldn’t remember how to add, subtract, multiple or divied in fact when I looked at that checkbook I couldn’t even recognize some of the numbers.

I suddenly realized that the “right meds” had not been found that I had come across a cocktail that made everyone happy because it kept me calm. Big problem was I had become to calm. I was a medicated zombie. Everything I did took me 4 times the amount of time to do that it had originally and I was even slower than “normal” people.

2 years, 24 months that’s how long that particular cocktail had kept me from relizing that I didn’t have a life anymore because I was nothing but the side effects of a drug. I spent another 3 months agruging with my therapist that there had to be better medications. I had gone from suicidal to a walking corpse. Where was the quality of life in that trade?

I finally had to get another therapist before I could start working on getting yet again new medications. Again I spent years going through combinations. This time at least it was more monitored and I wasn’t allowed to go without constant medical care to make sure that I wasn’t being sick all the time or being buried alive in my own skull.

It took over 10 years from the time of diagnosis(I was 30 at the time) before I found the “right” cocktail of drugs. This consisted of a combination of medications and cognitive therapy and damn good friends. The side effects now are “livable” what that means is that I am willing to go through the side effects to be able to lead a “normal” life.

A “normal” life. Now here is where we get to the real meaning of perception. Once a week I pull out 15 bottles from their spot on the top of a barely used TV that I use occasionally. I grab my pill box and open up all the little boxes 4 down 7 across. The days of the week and the time of day has pretty much warn off the box but it’s not too hard to figure out how it works. It takes me about 15 mins now to collect my meds, set them up in the box and go over what needs new prescriptions by the end of the week.

Some weeks I have to have help to fill the box as my fingers can’t hold on to the pills long enough to put them in their boxes. My hands shake. My joints are arthritic. Sometimes I just have no strength in my hands and they just plainly do not work. Some meds I can only take in the morning others only at night. About every 4hrs or so I am taking some combination of medications all timed out for optimal performance. Some control my sugar, some control my moods, it seems there is always something to control something. There are times my legs don’t work. I don’t even feel them at times. I fall down for no reason other than I can’t feel my legs at least once a week now.(btw this is a good thing it used to be almost daily).

I monitor my diet carefully as some foods and meds just don’t get along. Also I have medications for my stomach as I have gone through so many medications that I cannot keep anything down without medications to cover the damage made by the other medications. Let me break it down real easy. I have to take meds so that I can take meds because of other meds I have taken. Got all that yet???

I haven’t held a job in over a decade. It really stinks (though I can think of a much stronger adjective) to not be able to work. It can eat you alive as easily as slurping a slushy. But I do work. I work every single minuet of every single day to just be me. It use to take a lot more out of me then it does now but its still a daily mission. I have worked to the point that I am in college and I have been since March and I have gotten nothing lower than an A- in all of the classes I have taken so far (that’s 6 done and 2 more this term)

In the month of November (2011) I have lost three people who were all very dear to me. And I haven’t been able to focus. My grades as of right now, I will be lucky to pass with a C. I need to get focused and I need to be OCD(obsessive compulsive disorder. I deal with that issue also) about getting caught up.

To do this I am going to have to cut back on some of my medications. I am reducing the “may cause drowsiness’ meds which include pain meds, anti-inflammatories and muscle relaxants that keep my pain from my back injury in check. The pain will increase my chances of bringing on a manic attack. I also risk major insomnia, which also increases the already negative effects of being bipolar.

So let’s discuss the quality of life issues here. I spend a few days in a little more pain with a little less sleep eating a lot less food but in exchange, I catch up with my classes and actually have a chance to make sure that I do pass. To me this is an acceptable trade off. After I catch up, I go back to my regular dosages and back on an even keel. I have the support of my family and they understand why I will do this. They understand quality over quantity.

Well that’s me. You can make up your own minds on who I am, what I am and all those burning questions that keep coming my way. I can’t tell you any clear cut straight answer to those questions. But just remember when you look around you really do not know what a person goes through to be the person you see every day.

I am not looking for praise or criticisms I am just damn tired of trying to explain that altering my medications for a few days does not mean that I am going off the deep end. It just means I need to feel a little less of the side effects so that I can create a life worth living and leading. Everyone needs something to value or life will have no value.

Quality over Quantity every day in every way

Amy Minckler 12/12/11

Do Not Mourn

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 12:45:00 +0000

I have a poem to pass on from when my parents moved on. It came to me after being given some advice. Though I didn’t appreciate at the moment as time passed it became clearer.

Do not mourn for it brings unrest to a happy soul.
Do not mourn for if you look you are sorry for You
Do not mourn because one who gone ahead of you.
Do not mourn for your time to see them will come again
Do not mourn for it attacks your own soul

Rejoice their pain is gone,
Rejoice for now they are on a path of joy and love
Rejoice for them time has changed and the world is new.
Rejoice for they are now within the arms of the Mother
Rejoice for they are now protected by the Father.

You have not lost.
You are not alone.
Now with the others whom have gone ahead
They sit upon your shoulder
Bringing their love even closer then before.

May the souls of your loved one rest softly upon the wings of the butterflies as they take them home.

Standing There ...Freedom isn't Free

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 12:00:00 +0000

I go by and there you all are standing there
In hand the signs that state your mind
Slurs against the Government
and bring our soldiers home

Do you know how many men and women died
So you can be standing there without dread?
Young and old alike I see you all
Do you really understand who has the ball?

That day in September you all cried out in rage
But what has happened since it aged
Do you remember why are soldiers are standing there
Or is your worry about how it will effect your shares.

Your standing there shouting and beating your chest
Do you ever think now is when you could do your best
Stop standing there and wasting space
When you could be with our soldiers children saying Grace

then my own heart

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 05:19:00 +0000

You mean to me more then my own heart
Wether we be together or apart

I cannot tell if it aches or sings
when I touch and hold the feelings of your wings

I never knew till you stepped in
what the ache of love could win

I want to tell you just how dear
but that you'll run just binds me with fear

One day I know it will come
The bravery, my heart it will be from

When I can stand that you may leave
and hold my head high even though I grieve.

You mean more to me then my own Heart
Wether we be together or apart.

Kudos

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Tue, 17 Jul 2007 06:54:00 +0000

I just wanted to update and add to this section. The Poems Adrift, Life's Ride, Hollow and Hearts all made it into the Poetry.com Books. Hearts also won an Editors Choice award and will be added to the audio version of the book its in. I am very proud that I can say I am a published writer now.

I think I will start working on an actually book someday. But I don't want this to be long as this is the poetry section not prose :) If you would like to vote for these poems or check out other poems check out www.poetry.com. If you want to see my work you can look up under Amy R Minckler or A R Minckler. Its a great site whether you like my stuff or not :) thanks for reading.

Life's Ride

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Tue, 17 Jul 2007 06:53:00 +0000

I am Indian Proud and Strong
For freedom I still Long
To once again roam the Lands
To look and search and find the Band
I set off on my Life's Ride
To stand again with my own Tribe
Life is hard I do agree
But once and for all we cannot flee
We are homeless no family, like the lone wolf
Now we must come together and stand to make
our own pack
Once again we must make our own tracks
To throw away white man's roof
To Ride again upon Four hoof
It is time we make a stand
TO let the white man know
GIVE US BACK OUR OWN DAMN LAND!
Amy R Minckler

Copyright ©2007 A R Minckler

Hollow

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Tue, 17 Jul 2007 06:51:00 +0000

This was written just a few months before Hollows death.

Ode to Hallow who died peacfully in 1985

I am Hollow, I am a hawk.
There is a time I remember,
It seems so long ago,
I flew free and high over the mountain tops
The wind under my wings would lift me up
I could see the world around me.
Now I can barely see at all
A White Man shot me down
No reason I can think of
Now I have to be given my food.
I no longer enjoy the hunt.
I may not be able to fly free now
But I can dream
I can dream.
A R Minckler

Copyright ©2007 A R Minckler

The Destruction of a Soul.

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Tue, 29 May 2007 08:06:00 +0000

Body Bound, Cold pole
arms numb, I need a bowl
From excitement to stomach lose
from arousal to abuse

Did I cause it? Was I not right?
left alone all day and most of the night
ignored, only seen
when watching me tied to the pole

made to feel at fault
open the wound and add salt
strip all my defenses
must rebuild all my fences

To scared to play
my self esteem he did flay
Will I ever trust anyone again?
Will I ever want to begin.

Lonely

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Tue, 29 May 2007 07:59:00 +0000

Forever someones property
forever someones life in toy
never a person unto myself
never a sense of self

Can I stand alone?
Can I know myself? I am just a clone.
I wrestle with my inner thoughts at all times
just to fine me

Shock! Surprise! That is a part of me,
Even when controlled
I am who I have become.
No longer do I bow everyone.

How do I survive?
How do I learn to let others in?
Until I let others in Lonely I will always be

Loved

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Tue, 29 May 2007 07:54:00 +0000

I want to love
I want to be loved
I want to hold
I want to be held

I don't want to be hit anymore
I don't want to hit back
I don't want to be ignored anymore
I don't want to miss a single word anyone says to me

I feel invisible I feel punished
unlovable
unheld
Waiting for the next hit both emotionally or physically

When Will someone want me for me
when will people stop pretending to be my friend
When all they want is what little I have
I deserved to be loved to.

I Hate Her Still

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Tue, 22 May 2007 04:31:00 +0000

Written April 10th 2006. about my adopted mother who passed away may 10th 1997

Why did they die?
why did they chose it?
Was I so unworthy that it
wasn't worth the fight to live

She chose to go
She chose not to get better
She chose to leave me alone
With no idea who I was
And no help on what I could become

Almost 9 years to the day
I still hate her
I am still angry
I don't know how to let go
I still love her.

Please help I don't know what to do.

Lost

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Tue, 22 May 2007 03:36:00 +0000

Written during a manic, while still on lithium and wellbutren.

Lost, lose, I have lost again. Something taken once more.
Always something, someone gone, lost, missing, destroyed.
Tired of losing, tired of hurting.

Things always unraveling, turning upside down.
Never can hold on to anything.
Never can stay with anyone. Never wanted, never happy.

Never NORMAL.
Never in CONTROL.

Always a mess and always confused. hurting, Never whole, Never independent.
Always needy, and alone, always chasing friends away.
Never really sleep, or heal, Always in hell

Never knowing what to do,
Never knowing what to think,
Never knowing how

Where are the reasons to keep going?
Crawl inside the darkness,
Crawl inside the pain,
Crawl away from everything.

Find a piece of sanity? Find a piece of soul? Find a piece of life?
Unwanted unloved, uncared for…why do we have family?
At least don't hurt others in my pain.
Is there a way to stop being dependent as the pain grows?

Why must I be sick? Why different, Why can't I control it?
Why always the turmoil, always in extreme?
What good am I to myself? What good am I to others?

Tired so god awful tired of feeling, existing, hurting, confusion.
I want what everyone has… home, food, clothes. companion. Descent health care and enough to live without wanting for basics.

What have I done so wrong that I don’t deserve these things?
Who have I hurt so badly that this life is the Punishment I receive?
My body falls apart. My mind races.
I manage to fool others into thinking I am fine, normal that nothing is really wrong.

Today I was told I was too smart to be disabled. See I got them all fooled. I am not as smart as they think at this point I truly doubt I am as smart as I think ether.

Who would even want to really be my friend with me like this?
Are people really are my friends or are they just feeling sorry? Is what I feel real?
How in the hell do any of us know this life is real?

Heart Open

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Tue, 22 May 2007 03:34:00 +0000

Heart open, Pain invades, Heart closed, Loneliness prevails
Soul to Soul, Mind to Mind
Pulled apart, torn in two.

Pain runs deep and complete.
Hearts break, Souls Shatter,
Minds explode in a shattered rainbow of emotions.
Hurt, used, betrayed, love, anger, hope.

A myriad of feelings course threw heart, soul and mind.
Heal put it behind you, move on,
Frozen in time and space, no way to go back.
Everything in Front as dark as a moonless night.
The Present a confusing message tangled in the
Heart, Soul and Mind.

Adrift

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Tue, 22 May 2007 03:32:00 +0000

Adrift among the flowering thoughts,
Tossed around by the raging current of feelings.

There must be away to stop at each flower.
A way to walk the roads of emotion safely.

There has to be a way that allows for a healthy
heart and mind.

My soul aches for the torment in my mind.
My heart breaks at the struggles of the soul.

There must be an answer to this puzzle.
A cure or control of this spiraling Illness.

Hearts

noreply@blogger.com (Ami Minckler) — Tue, 22 May 2007 03:31:00 +0000

Hearts melt
Souls fly
Minds spring
When You let love in.
Hearts are shattered
Souls ripped
Minds weep
When You let love in.
To open is to hurt
To be closed is to be Frozen
Unreasonable, confusing
but the only way to know your alive.