he loves maps and all things travel related, but I decided a map of home might help ground him here when he’s feeling stuck- and also might, when he’s exploring far away places, serve to remind him where the heart is.

you know… that list you made in your head before you had kids about how you’re going to do things differently and somehow  achieve some level of supreme connectivity with your child that transcends the average level of connection achieved by mere mortal parents and their children-

YOU KNOW that list- the one that includes things like :

MY CHILD WILL ONLY CONSUME THE PURE UNFILTERED HOLYMOTHERWATER THAT FLOWETH FROM MY BREASTESES UNTIL MY CHILD SUBMITS A LETTER OF REQUEST- IN HIS OR HER OWN HAND- FOR ORGANIC AVOCADO, MASHED BY MY OWN TOES, TO ACCOMPANY THE NECTAR OF MY TA-TAS.

or…

MY CHILD WILL ONLY PLAY WITH WOODEN TOYS. AND THE WOOD SAID TOYS ARE HAND CARVED FROM MUST NOT COME FROM A TREE FELLED BY MAN’S HAND- NO-  BUT ONE WHO BOWED TO THE EARTH, WILLINGLY, WHILE A COVEN OF GREY-HAIRED WICCAN WOMEN CHANTED ANCIENT AND VERY CREEPY CHANTS OF GRATITUDE WHILE HOLDING HANDS, SQUATTING, AND SIMULTAINOUSLY MENSTRUATING ON THE SOIL AT THE BASE OF THE FALLEN HERO TREE FOR TO NOURISH THE SOIL SO THAT FUTURE TREES MIGHT THRIVE.

and oh how the list could go AAAWN-NEE-NON-NEE-NON (steve perry style).

public school? NEVER!

television? ONLY PBS! AND ONLY RARELY!

candy? fast food? little debbies????? FRANKLY, I’M OFFENDED YOU’D EVEN SUGGEST!!!!!

i wish that i’d written this list down- because when i can’t seem to conquer my insurmountable to-do lists these days, it’d sure be nice to have a list it would be easy to cross things off of. whilst laughing a boarderline crazy-lady laugh no doubt.

ha. ha. ha.

sigh.

i thought i had scratched every annoying dandruffy flake of Overachieving Parental Inferiority Complex (OPIC) outta my hair by now.

the kids are in public school. they eat candy and cool ranch doritos. in fact, they sit on the couch, and play completely sedentary video games (yeah- i let the wii in the house under the guise of ‘active and interactive screen time’- who was i foolin’? me. thazzall.) while eating candy and cool ranch doritos and avoiding public school worksheets.

what. eves.

but it turns out there was a lurking OPIC trigger that i’d yet to circumnavigate. and this halloween brought it ‘to my mindful attention for processing and integration blah blah blah annoying lessons learned yadda process blah blah’.

This year…

wait for it…..

the second born is wearing a completely store bought halloween costume. the first one either kid has worn since i became a highly neurotic and insecure parent over 12 years ago.

i know there was SOMETHING on The Mighty List Of Commandments about homemade halloween costumes. I’m certain of it.

and it had to do with LINEAGE! and INTEGRITY! and ANTICONSUMERISM! and CREATIVITY!

and it had NOTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH EGO AND INSECURITY!

(note: this is not an anti-homemade halloween costume rant. like, AT ALL at all. the eldest let me collaborate and help bedeck her out in fully thrifted and handmade glory. this is more about what i was resisting by dogmatically holding onto some redonkulous belief that store bought costumes were me letting my children down…. and perhaps me struggling to maintain my role in my village as a creative planner-aheader.)

But right now all i know is that my tiny boy- the one who comes home crying at least once a week from school because he feels like he doesn’t know how to connect with other kids, my boy who is terrified of halloween and who is THRILLED tomorrow is halloween not because of candy, (and he’s candy obsessed-) but  because it means that the day after tomorrow all the decorations come down and the neighborhood returns to it’s normal, relatively safe, utterly familiar self…

my tiny boy went to bed wearing his store bought halloween costume (he’s barely taken it off since we found it several days ago).  with a GIANT smile on his face and feeling at home in this world.

and who’s my smallest-third-grader-at-zilker-elementary going to be this year? who does he utterly embody when bedecked?

why, The Hulk, of course.

My Tiny Happy Hulk.

if it’s a $3 thrift store commercial halloween costume that makes this kid feel like he can SMASH!!!! then who the hell am i to shove my stuff all up in that and deny??? who, i ask you?

no seriously. i’m asking.

late night fun getting to know technology.

drinking sierra nevada (i need to break out of this SN rut but i am a glutton for routine and familiarity.)

listening to ‘call your girlfriend’ on repeat.

eating Ritter Sport. (really? sport? a candy bar named: sport. subtitled ‘with a butter biscuit and fine cocoa cream’, but still it’s sportiness is undeniable. nor is mine, for plucking this off the check-out shelf at target, where i found myself at 9:20 pm tonite after the firstborn realized she’d neglected to clue me in to the fact she’d be shamed publicly if she didn’t bring multi-colored clay into her harry potter elective class in the morning. see what a sport i am? i deserve this butter biscuit and fine cocoa cream, dammit.)

i need to know more about painting and using colors in illustrator.

but right now i need to ‘go to bed’, or as i like to call it, ‘go lay down and lean into the self-loathing that awaits me for allowing myself to eat a delicious biscuity candy bar at eleven o’clock at night’.

and, scene.

i’m teaching myself adobe illustrator. it’s going slowly.
but it’s going.
as much as i try to beat it out of my head, the phrase ‘you can’t teach an old dog new tricks’ keeps bubbling up from some pre-programmed unconscious depth.

i don’t want to believe it’s true, but at the same time i’m finding it more and more challenging to retain new information.

i’m not sure if it’s that my brain cells are no longer duplicating at the rate they once were, or if it’s the spastic break dance i do on the daily to keep the ship in shape around here, but the deets; they go in, they go out. meh.

adobe illustrator, i will make you love me. i will be on you like pooh on a beehive and i will slurp your sweet nectar off my overstuffed paw.

and in the meantime, i will stick to familiar territory, like baseball, best palsies and ye olde needle and thread.

this summer i made this (LOOK DOWN!), summed up here.

eh lerve meh jerb.

4
emerging pattern:
sacred spiral, blasphamous.
circular lessons.

5
the sweet gift of breath,
the simple gift. much harder,
the task of watching.

2.
the air weighs heavy-
swollen, texture not unlike
a fevered exhale.

3.
loyal hound, trotting-
ignores recent canine foe
but longs to hunt squirrel.

because i seem to need monthly challenges in order to justify blog posts,

i’m joining Le Liz in this april haiku-a-day thang.

today was not my best parenting day. that is all i’ll say about this haiku.

haiku 1

what we want for them-
by play-acting selflessness,
we deny ourselves.

day 27: the greenbelt.
if you’ve been there, you know, words can’t describe it.
moments from home, and we’re instantly transported.

day 28: this phase of family life.
i like to hold babies, snuggle babies, coo and kiss them.
but what i really can’t get enough of right now?
being able to say “get yourselves dressed and let’s go for a hike.”
or “i’ll be right back- ima run to the store real quick.”
or “have fun at the park. be back in half an hour.”
my smalls, toying with independance and standing in their boots, small and firm.

day 29: opportunity.
the challange of the change adverse is to
pluck opportunity out of the rind of inconvienience.

day 30: a new year.
ever a blank canvas, a clean slate.