This year I had big plans. I was going to record an all-out holiday parody version of Miley Cyrus’ classic song “Party in the USA.” Everybody loves holiday songs. Everybody loves parody songs. Total win.

I got everything together, I wrote it, recorded the main vocal, recorded backing tracks, autotuned it and saved the file.

Then I listened to it the next day and remembered I can’t sing.

Rather than throw the whole thing out, I’m giving you a taste: here’s the first verse and the chorus. As my Christmas gift to you, you do not have to listen to the bridge or the final verse with at least four layers of my off-key warbling.

Please enjoy before I think better of posting this:

I love you, the Ferguson family.

It’s a much different style than what you’ll find here, but basically I’m doing summaries of classic literature with my dumb jokes and commentary for tweens thrown in. So, it’s like regular Sparknotes except with references to Gossip Girls, teen angst and puns.

I just completed a full summary of “The Scarlet Letter” and am now beginning to make fun of Harper Lee’s “To Kill a Mockingbird.” ‘Bout time somebody took that lady down a peg, right?

You can check them all out here.

While there are bikes on the “fence,” you’ll notice that the directive of the sign is totally being followed.

Starring Ben Rameaka! Written by me (Ramsey) and directed by Eric Drysdale.

The Cycle of Life

Written by Jill Morris
Starring Amber Nelson, Ben Rameaka and Jen Bartels

Special thanks to Matt Morrison for the hospital access!

hamster.org - Pet

As seen in this video, hamster.org was my pet hamster and unfortunately she has passed away. In this, the final Hamsters in History, I will briefly eulogize her, mostly without jokes. If this does not interest you, please watch the Mayor Bloomberg/Turtles sketch again.

I originally purchased hamster.org because I fondly remembered having a hamster as a kid and I wasn’t allowed to have a dog in my apartment. I didn’t expect to get so attached to her, but I quickly did, and I enjoyed having her as company and getting to know the interesting quirks she developed. She would often do funny little things like sitting in her food bowl, climbing the bars of her cage and dropping suddenly, and my favorite, climbing across the roof of her cage upside-down to get to her food.

When hamster.org started becoming less active I took her to the vet three separate times, paying bills that ended up costing 10 times what it cost to bring her home originally. It was worth it, though. I had to wake up a little earlier to rub a salve directly onto her eye and then flush out a wound with a syringe. I’m certain she simply thought it was a weird hamster torture, but I hope that dealing with the squirming and pain added a few months on to her already short life.

So, hamster.org, thanks for being a great pet and thanks for letting me cling to boyhood for a little longer. I hope that you’re chewing on the pearly gates to keep your teeth filed down. (Why did you hate wood sticks? So weird.)