Mental Poo

..and this is why most people find my blog by searching "Family Circus Porn." True story.

2013-05-20T09:00:00.000-04:00

Bite me, Billy.

AGAIN.

I recently asked people what their favorite posts of mine were and several of you noted that it was my skewed take on that ridiculously terrible comic strip, "The Family Circus."

If you've missed my other episodes of this, you can find them here.

This time, though, I'm sparing you the pain of what the original comic said because see 'ridiculously terrible comic strip' comment above...

..so you just get my newly edited ones.

Enjoy.

UPDATE:

I had a request to do the "Before" and "After" cartoons - which is why, in the examples below, the first one always sucks balls.

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There.

That's better.

I suppose the next time you'll hear from me, it will be from jail due to Copyright infringement or some shit.

Fuck it. Totally worth it.

Take that, Billy!

Moog out.

Yep. He's my son alright.

2013-05-16T08:30:00.000-04:00

Took the kids to play laser tag because it's fun and I am usually high scorer and it's important during their formative years to impress upon them that WINNING IS EVERYTHING.

Except for the 2 times I came in second place. Total anomaly but still okay because I give myself a wide berth.

When you register for the games, you have to come up with a player name. Then they bring you into a room a debrief you (not literally because - hello - CHILDREN) and put your names on the screen.

This is what greeted me as the names were put up on the screen:

OMG he kills me.

Then I went out and kicked everyone's ass.

It's all about winning people. And guyfarting.

But mostly about the winning.

This is way better than a Leg Lamp.

2013-05-13T09:00:00.000-04:00

I called my publisher the other day to ask him a question, and he answered the phone like this:

"So, you like the email?"

Um.

Sure?

Me: "Uh..hi? What? What email?"

Tim: "Go check your email."

So of course I ran to check my email because I assumed Kate Upton was asking him how to get in touch with me.

Man, if I had a nickel.

But, no. Instead, what greeted me was THIS:

OMGOMGOMGOMG.

HOLY CRAP POOP!

And then I apparently fainted and was out cold for days because I woke up in the middle of my living room with my dog looking at me hungrily and I had a full beard.

So, yeah. I was a finalist in the "Humor/Comedy" category for the Next Generation Indie Book Awards but I think I'm more excited about winning a medal for it which I will wear all the time just like this:

I'm considering going to the ceremony so they can actually PUT THE MEDAL AROUND MY NECK because this is probably as close as I'll ever get to knighthood or doing something remotely athletic.

Awesome.

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If you haven't read my book yet, or would like to order 3,000 more copies of a Next Generation Indie Book Awards Finalist, you can get it in FULL COLOR paperback and Kindle versions here:

Things Go Wrong for Me - Amazon.com

I Drew a Cartoon!! - Ugh. I hate when this happens.

2013-05-10T08:30:00.000-04:00

I drew another cartoon for you people today because, honestly, I really didn't feel like doing work AT ALL.

Microsoft Paint is my copilot.

There's an expression here when you absolutely go nuts with anger and throw tantrums and stuff. Since it is the punchline of today's cartoon, I won't ruin it for you.

But I was thinking about it the other day and, well, this popped into my head.

Enjoy.

I know. He looks more confused than angry.

Can't blame him, really.

To see all my other cartoons, go here.

Man.

I need a hobby.

Perfect fit.

2013-05-08T09:00:00.001-04:00

Email conversation about someone wanting to guest post on this blog:

Haven't heard back yet.

Weird.

My house is weird

2013-05-06T09:00:00.000-04:00

When you have two kids who are crazy practical jokers (stay tuned for "Book 2"), AND they have a father who also likes to pull his own share of pranks, none of what happens in my house should actually surprise me any more.

Take, for instance, when I came out of the shower one evening and found my childhood ventriloquist doll, Mortimer, sitting on my kitchen counter with this in his lap.

At which point, I look around the BACK of my doll sitting on the counter and..

..well..

Nice.

Then I ate the Hershey kisses because ventriloquist poopie or not, chocolate is chocolate.

That shouldn't surprise anyone, either.

Some more SomeECards and that just sounds like terrible sentence structure.

2013-05-02T08:30:00.000-04:00

I've done a few different things along the years with this blog.

Motivational Posters.

LOLz pictures featuring my dog, Jax.

Borderline NC-17 rated Family Circus cartoons.

So it was just a matter of time before I branched out into the SomeEcards realm.

This is the second in my SomeEcards series. For my first, you'll have to go here.

Enjoy.

I know I'm gonna get some shit from the ladies on that last one but I don't really care because I don't ever remember getting a "Man's Day" so they can suck it up.

*ducks

I'm like Wolfman Jack but less hairy and not dead

2013-04-29T09:00:00.001-04:00

I've had some pretty awesome responses to my book thus far, but none more awesome than my first appearances on radio shows this past month.

SIN CITY

For my first radio appearance, I was invited to be a guest "The Curvaceous Bounty of Sin City" show after I asked them if I could come on.

So I guess it was less 'invited' and more 'forced entry.'

Actually, one of my LONG TIME readers is a co-host of the show (Sienna) and she booked me and then the rest was radio gold/history.

Here is YouTube video of one of my segments - I show up on or around the 34-minute mark:

If I ever get around to getting to Vegas I will TOTALLY be making a visit to the studios and am fearful/hopeful that I will become a plaything.

THE BRAWDS

A week later, I did a show with the women "Jenny K" and "Butt Rock Betty" (no idea) of "The Brawdcast."

The kept me on WAAAAY longer than they should have but we were having such a great frigging time doing the spot that I don't think any of us actually gave a shit.

There is no video of the show which is unfortunate because we were doing video Skype and I can tell you that the women are as hot as they are filthy...

...but there is THIS PODCAST that you can listen to. I come in at or around the 20-minute mark and stay well past my welcome.

But, if you can handle me talking about dildos and penis extenders and riding in the back of a dump truck, I think you'll enjoy it.

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PLEASE give these wonderful women some love and linkage by friending them and following them and liking them all over the place (especially THERE).

Sin City Bounty links:

- Website
- Facebook
- Twitter

The Brawdcast links:

- Website
- Podcasts
- Twitter
- Facebook Page 1 or Facebook Page 2

I caption because I CAN

2013-04-25T08:30:00.000-04:00

My tattoo witch friend, Lisa, posted this picture on Facebook for whatever reason.

I don't question what Lisa posts because:

a) She puts tattoos on me and you NEVER want to piss of THAT person, and
b) She is an actual witch and - you know - fuck being a newt, right?

Regardless, if you're my friend on Facebook then you know I will put stupid shit on things you think are serious whenever I can.

This was no exception, so - upon seeing this - I just started throwing captions at it:

There.

Don't worry, I'm fully prepared to have a ladybug or some shit put on my body next time I'm at her tattoo studio.

Gonna be tough tattooing a newt, though.

But she's a witch. They can do anything.

"Hey..um..you got a little something on your face."

2013-04-22T09:00:00.000-04:00

In our storyline of my college disasters, I offer to you some advice:

If you’re ever partying in someone else’s dorm room…

HIDE THE MARKERS.

Let me explain.

Back in college, every Thursday night was party night. This is because some kids went home over the weekends and - much like work - no one does anything on Fridays anyway so of course on one of these happy Thursday party nights I drank so much that I blacked out.

Like OUT OUT.

The following morning, I woke up in the middle of the floor in my friend's room...still fully dressed and feeling like I had been on the receiving end of a Whack-A-Mole hammer.

My buddy Spike greeted me. He was smirking.

“Good morning. How you feeling?”

Me: “Eh…okay…”

I managed to somehow get myself upright and stumbled past him…

Me: “I’m…going to wash up.”

I grabbed my things, and headed for the shower room down the hallway of the dorm, saying hi to everyone else who was up as I walked by.

Maybe 5 or 6 of my friends talked to me on the way.

I stepped into the bathroom…and grabbed hold of one of the sinks.

I was sick. WAY sick.

After heaving a bit into the sink, I managed to raise my head…

…and look at my face in the mirror.

WHAT. THE FUCK.

I had cat whiskers.

I had Spock eyebrows.

I had tic-tac-toe drawn on my right cheek.

I had a big red dot on my nose.

I had a moustache.

I had the acronym “NFL” (Nice F*cking Life) on my left cheek.

SONOFABITCH.

"Oh no no NO NO NO"

I start the water, grab my towel and start rubbing.

…and rubbing…

…and rubbing…

MOTHERFUCKER ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?

Nope. Not kidding.

Permanent marker.

OH COME ON!!

I grab my stuff and go back into Spike’s room…

…fully aware now that not only did HE KNOW that I looked like this when I woke up…but that everyone who said “hi” to me in the hallway knew the same thing.

Ugh.

Me: “Dude. The fuck! How could you let them do this to me?!”

Spike: “Hey..hey…I stopped them from pulling your pants down.”

Ah. Small favors.

Apparently, as I lay there unconscious on Spike’s floor, a crowd had gathered around to doodle on me.

At one point, the RA (Resident Assistant) came in to find out what was going on. He looked at everyone in the room, defiling me.

They all stopped, a room full of drunk college kids with markers in their hand hovering over a blacked-out sexy midget guy.

Oh, shit.

Busted.

Then the RA grabbed the marker from one of the accomplices.

“My turn!!”

…and started doodling himself.

Asshole.

So, back to the shower I go.

As I keep trying to scrub away, I unbutton my shirt to get into the shower…

Oh…

Oh no…

A big red heart drawn on my chest…

Even more tic-tac-toe…

The word “Asshole” scrawled across my belly.

Again…

PERMANENT MARKER.

I hate people.

I rubbed my face and stomach until I shed my skin trying to clean that shit off.

In the end, I looked like an Oompa Loompa:

Short.

Red.

And I like to sing about chocolate and row boats.

…that last part doesn’t fit the story. Scratch it.

Anyway…

I don’t think I ever drank that much again…

But my buddy, Pete, did.

At which point, we shaved his head as soon as he blacked out.

True story.

Not once, but we shaved Pete's head TWICE. You'd think he'd learn after the first time but no.

So I guess things could have been worse.

Thanks, Spike…for keeping my pants on.

Although, I would have found the joy of manscaping a long time ago.

The Girlfriend Chronicles - I love you as much as a Korean import

2013-04-18T08:30:00.000-04:00

After the success of my previous "Girlfriend Chronicles," posts, I figured I'd share some more excerpts with you guys of some chat conversations between my girlfriend and I.

It's okay to be jealous.

And you should probably send Kerri a sympathy card or something after reading these.

She puts up with a LOT.

Enjoy!

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Seriously.

I can only afford to love you to Korea.

I think that's in a Van Halen song.

So, to all you single ladies out there, remember:

Sure, you may die alone. But it could be worse.

You could be MY girlfriend.

The Stinky Fun Factory

2013-04-15T09:00:00.000-04:00

Today, I give you a short glimpse into what it's like to be my friend.

..and then...

Why you really really really might not want that privilege.

Here is a snippet of some Instant Messaging that happened out of the blue with my friend, John, the other day.

Enjoy.

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midgetmanofsteel: Have you ever pooped rectangles? Because I just pooped a rectangle...like a PlayDoh Fun Factory and squishing it out the little rectangle hole. How does that happen?

John: dude

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That's how I said 'hi' to John.

Popping open his Yahoo Messenger window, telling him that I just shit a rectangle.

Seriously...I shit a rectangle.

I'm not sure how this was physically possible.

And I needed answers.

I believe this conversation took place around 9:00 a.m.

Good morning, Johnny!

Had coffee yet? You have?

Then let's talk about my rectangular shit!

But John, who is self-proclaimed 'King of all things shit-related,' didn't disappoint me:

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John: I might have to think about that

John: I'm going into a meeting, I will ponder it during the meeting

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He will ponder it.

This begs the question:

What's a friend?

Is a friend someone who stands by your side, and lends understanding and compassion when you need them most?

No.

No...a friend is someone who will forget about his career and, instead, contemplate the inner workings of the human body including, but not limited to, your bowels, colon and sphincter muscles to answer the question of how you were able to shit out a geometric shape that morning.

THAT, my friends, is a true amigo.

This is also probably why I have very few of them.

I should probably think about revising that definition.

Whatever.

(yep...one that's one of mine)

**** the IM picks up again later that day ****

John: so, is it like a piece of charcoal?

midgetmanofsteel: charcoal? Jesus, man. How big do you think my asshole is?

John: no I meant charcoal square

John: like rounded edges. Like what you put inside a grill.

midgetmanofsteel: no - more like a Twix bar, but way longer.

John: oh

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Oh.

I get...'Oh.'

That's the last I've heard from John on the subject.

It's been months.

I'm guessing he's still pondering it.

He's a good friend.

I think.

My daughter could write lyrics to Def Leppard songs.

2013-04-11T08:30:00.000-04:00

Ever since my daughter hit the age of 12, she's been filled with pre-teen angst and attitude and OMG I WISH I'D SAVED THE RECEIPT FOR HER BECAUSE I'M CONSIDERING A REFUND.

Lately she gives me more attitude than laughs, but every so often she comes up with something awesome.

The two of us were in Best Buy and she decided to look at the iPAD Mini which was right next to the iPAD Maxi and iPAD 3/4 Mid-Mini and iPAD Microscopic.

Less is more, Apple. Less is more.

She's been trying to learn to type and opened up "Notes" on the iPad and started typing away. It wasn't til after she was done that I noticed what she wrote:

"Hinga Dinga Dinga Durgan"

Of course I said it out loud. Trust me, if you say it out loud you can't help but sound like the Swedish Chef from the Muppets.

You just tried it, didn't you? Of course you did.

IT IS SO MUCH FUN.

The rest of the day we talked like the Swedish Chef and always - always - inserted 'Hinga Dinga Dinga Durgan' into the sentence and friggin laughed together like we hadn't in a loooooong time.

I guess I'll keep her.

Sometimes I don't even know how I can be this odd

2013-04-08T09:00:00.000-04:00

Just some random crap that happened the other day at work.

Keep in mind I have no idea how this happens. It just does.

I got an IM from one of our software developers, Randy.

This is how that went:

I particularly like how Randy kind of kept going about what he ACTUALLY wanted to talk about up until the point he had to acknowledge that my pyramid was 'NICE' because I kind of backed him into a corner there.

Then..later that same day...

That is kind of what it's like to work with me.

Must be Hell.

The DumbECard Project - 4th time is a charm

2013-04-05T08:30:00.000-04:00

A while ago a friend of mine, Ross Cavins, wrote a book called "Follow the Money" which - believe it or not - I actually read AND did a review on even though there was no porn scenes or 8"x10" pictures included in the envelope that he shipped it to me in.

Jerk.

Regardless, Ross is doing a number of projects - one of which is a new site called "DumbECards" - which is similar to "SomeECards" and "MoreECards" and "EvenMoreECardsThanSomeECards" EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT...

(suspenseful pause)

I'm writing some of the cards.

Here's a sample of what you'll get from me if you go to the DumbECards site:

I will be adding cards regularly, as will Ross and Davenport (the other contributor on the site) and will be surely pimping that shit out on my Facebook page and Twitter feeds.

In the meantime, go check out DumbECards and feel free to share any you find there yourself.

You can consider it 'reading.'

I certainly do.

April 1st is like Christmas for my daughter except with less presents and more TP

2013-04-03T09:00:00.000-04:00

I had my kids on April 1st which is highly regarded by my daughter because she loves pulling pranks.

It's almost annoying.

So, when she found out that my son and I were skipping karate that night she immediately burst into tears.

Me: "What's wrong?!"

Daughter: "I had so many things planned! I was planning ALL DAY!! This is terrible!!"

So, being the good dad that I am, I took my son out with me for an hour or so, resulting in this Tweet:

Then we came home.

And do I know my daughter, or what?

Because THIS? THIS is what greeted me as I pulled into the driveway:

Awesome.

My daughter used an entire roll of toilet paper on MY HOUSE and then hung my clothes outside.

Then we went inside where I found this little ditty hanging from my bedroom ceiling fan:

That is my childhood ventriloquist doll, Mortimer (DON'T JUDGE ME), whom my daughter has somehow made even creepier.

This also greeted me in my lunch:

She's lucky I like her.

Of course, she also tried putting plastic wrap over the toilet but left 36 wrinkles in it (which led me to show her how to PROPERLY do it so I will only have myself to blame NEXT YEAR when I piss all over it).

So, payback being a bitch, I found a piece of my dog's toy that he had ripped off because that's what he does and deftly placed it in her bag of chips, so this is what she would see at snack time at school when she opened her bag:

Prompting this text from her around 10 am the next morning:

BAM.

Now I sit in the corner of my room in fetal position waiting for her payback of my payback.

She's way better at this than I am.

Why my dog hates being alone with me

2013-04-01T09:00:00.001-04:00

Because things like this happen:

This started because my friend, Lisa, dared me to do it after posting another dog with a mustache so, you know, GAME ON.

Thus prompting me to post it on Facebook because it was awesome.

I wish I had enough room on my hand to give him a goatee.

He'd look like a little fuzzy professor.

Gordon Ramsey's new show...coming to a Fox Television barn near you

2013-03-28T08:30:00.000-04:00

Sometimes shit just pops into my head and I have to immediately try to make it hastily on my computer using Google and Microsoft Paint and probably way too much of my work day that I should be actually doing, you know, WORK.

This is one of those things.

..um..because "kitchen" and "chicken" have that phonetic similarity so I was saying "Hell's Chicken" one day and then I envisioned this and when you get right down to it, it's pretty damn impressive for only 3 hours worth of labor.

I could use a hobby.

15 Steps on How to Write a Book - Illustrate

2013-03-25T09:00:00.001-04:00

So you want to write a book?

Yeah. Join the club. The very BIG club.

Well, I wrote a book, "Things Go Wrong for Me," which has actually had some decent success for a first go at it - so I thought I'd give you - my readers - some insight into what it takes to write that damn thing.

But, of course, I did it with stick-figure drawings because that's how I roll, yo.

Enjoy, and Godspeed.

So there you go.

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As a reminder, the book can be purchased at ANY of these sites:

Amazon

Amazon Kindle

Barnes and Noble

RCG Publishing, Inc.

So, thank you.

And, following my rule #15, you can be assured that Book 2 is currently in the works.

As is Book 3.

See what you've started?!

The Forgotten Folder

2013-03-21T08:30:00.001-04:00

Before I start today:

My Book Trailer is currently in a book trailer contest. I would GREATLY appreciate your vote and spreading the word!!

Go here and vote for #5: Things Go Wrong for Me

Thank you!!

ONWARD!
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At our karate dojo, my son and I each have a manilla folder that our sensei uses to keep us updated on events and tests and tournaments and stuff.

So, my son and I were in class one evening in late March, when I looked at him:

Me: "Hey. When's the last time you checked your folder?"

He looks at me, shrugs, then walks over to where the folders are kept, opens his...

..and pulls out THIS:

Son: "It's been a while."

Leg Day

2013-03-18T09:00:00.000-04:00

Back when I cared what I actually looked like (read: before I got married and gave up), I went to the gym 4 or 5 times a week for about 2 hours at a time.

Obviously, this was also before I had anything better to do and Internet porn had not yet been invented to fill up the remaining voids.

The gym I went to was on the corner of a great big strip mall and now I'm thinking having a strip mall made of nothing but strip joints is the best. idea. ever. and AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS EVER THOUGHT OF THIS?!

Sorry. "Strip" is one of my trigger words.

To get into the gym from the parking lot required you to either (a) use steps on the end of the sidewalk or (b) take the shortcut route of stepping up the 12-inch high curb just in front of the door.

I'm lazy. I always did the curb thing. Walking around to the steps seemed like a lot of work at the time and even though I'd spend 2 hours in the gym, I'm the kind of person who doesn't even like walking to his car.

So exhausting.

One day, I decided to do a very heavy 'leg' day. Just ALL leg work for 2 hours straight.

If you've ever done this, you know that the end result of a heavy leg day is that your lower limbs become the consistency of jelly but with far much less stability and slightly more hair.

Unfortunately, my car was also a stick-shift so after some such "leg days" sitting at a light while trying to depress the clutch resulted in me looking like I was attempting an Elvis impression from the driver's seat.

Regardless, I had finished my leg workout, showered and headed out the door.

I stood on the curb for a moment, deciding whether or not I should take the stairs or risk stepping down the curb.

As I looked up, a car approached and stopped to let me go across. My decision was made for me. Off the curb it was.

I waved 'thanks' to the driver and stepped off the curb into the parking lot just in front of him.

My foot hit the pavement.

Uh-oh.

I could feel my jelly landing leg rippling as my leg completely buckled out from under me and my tiny but muscly little body fell forward, gym bag flying through the air, arms flailing, face contorted in a "WHOA" grimace as I crumpled to the pavement...landing right in front of the car that was letting me go.

I looked up from the pavement. My face beet red from embarrassment.

The driver of the car was just kind of staring at me with his mouth slightly agape, like, 'Um...okay.'

Ah. Thanks for your concern, fellow citizen.

I pushed myself up and got to my legs, completely aware that I looked like a baby horse trying to stand for the first time.

Brushing myself off, I staggered across to my car like a man with polio and no braces. Luckily, my gym back flung forward about 20-feet during this display, landing right next to my car, so I was able to just hop in and reach down through my open door and grab it. No fucking way was I bending down to get it.

I closed the door and started my car.

Ah, yes.

Stick-shift.

Motherfucker.

..and then I made SomeEcards

2013-03-14T08:30:00.001-04:00

I've done a few different things along the years with this blog.

Motivational Posters.

LOLz pictures featuring my dog, Jax.

Borderline NC-17 rated Family Circus cartoons.

So it was just a matter of time before I branched out into the SomeEcards realm.

Enjoy.

This last one I made specifically for my girlfriend, Kerri, because I'm pretty notorious for spending the first 20 minutes after I wake up in the morning farting what sounds like the theme music to "Jaws."

Ah, romance.

Family Effing Circus - the rewrites go on and on and on...

2013-03-11T09:00:00.002-04:00

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This is why my portfolio sucks.

2013-03-08T08:30:00.000-05:00

I was on Twitter when I noticed that my 'suggestions' on who to follow included Scottrade, the online brokers.

The following exchange followed:

It's been a few days now and I still haven't heard from Scott.

Like I'm going to invest my $35 with THOSE guys. Right.

Product Placement is a key strategy of mine

2013-03-06T09:00:00.000-05:00

In an effort to deluge the Internet with content about my book, "Things Go Wrong for Me," I've taken to some marketing techniques that, well, shouldn't surprise any of you.

I give you, "pictures I made because I had nothing better to do."

The Inauguration

I KNEW IT.

The State of the Union

Meanwhile, at the Vatican

The "Best Picture" Oscar nods

I'd like to thank the Academy...

**********************

As a reminder, the book can be purchased at ANY of these sites:

Amazon

Amazon Kindle

Barnes and Noble

RCG Publishing, Inc.

So, thank you.

Book 2 is currently in the works.

As is Book 3.

See what you've started?!