Harmony

Everyone needs a break...our vacation story!

2010-07-31T10:10:25-07:00

My wife and I just returned from an 8 day vacation to sunny and hot Scottsdale, AZ. We have both worked hard for many months with only weekend breaks and most of those filled with work and "to do" lists. God knew what he was talking about when he demanded a day of rest.

I believe many of us don't know how to rest. We fill our calendars and schedules with events in the evening and weekend. Some of them come from events in which our children wish to participate, from church activities that try to fill "good" and "wholesome" events to build community, and from our need to enjoy ourselves. All are good, but balance and boundaries are vital to long term mental and spiritual health.

Linda and I went away to rest. We slept in till 9:00 or later. We sauntered over to the breakfast spot for coffee and carb high. We worked out and then laid by the pool where we read, slept, ate and enjoyed the relaxing moments. It took about 3 days to get out all the junk from our saturated minds. We turned off email, cell phones, computers...no blogging!

Everyone needs a break. Technology may bring us closer to communication, but it is not your friend when your mind and body need to relax. And it does. We do. Our bodies and minds need to relax. Not simply to contemplate God (which is always good to do), but to be quiet. In the stillness God and his true priorities come into clear view.

You may not be able to afford to go to a resort. You may not be able to get away. But find times to put down the laptop, cellphone and schedule and allow God to speak to you in the stillness.

Parenting is Easy!!!

2010-07-21T15:05:39-07:00

Parenting is easy! Go ahead and laugh...it was written to spark such a reaction. Parenting is a challenge. There are parts that are easy to some people at some moments. But what is parenting?

Parenting to some appears to be to make life as easy as possible for their children. Adults may do this for various reasons. One such reason is because their life was so tragic and difficult they want to avoid repeating the damage done to them. Others just can't stand seeing their child in pain and so will actually keep their children from "suffering" in any way.

Parenting to some appears to be to have servants to do all the things they do not want to do. The parents avoid pain and place all the pain on the children. In this situation, the parents have little respect for their children and the children will grow up and most likely repeat the process.

So what is parenting? It seems that it begins with understanding how God view parents and children. Jesus seems to demonstrate incredible respect and love for children as he gathers them around him from time to time. He warns against anyone harming them or hurting them in any way. He is one who believes in discipline as it assists in the maturing process. Discipline and love go hand in hand.

It would seem that parenting is helping God's little ones to grow up to healthy emotional and spiritual maturity as adults. Parenting is about guiding, shaping, and encouraging children throughout life, especially to help them encounter God and Jesus. Parents are there to help their children, but not enable them in the growing up process. This obviously changes as the child grows older. You don't give a 2 year old the responsibility of mowing the lawn, but there are teachable moments. But nor does a 16 year old have the choice of going to school.

Parenting is about looking at the whole of a child's life and determine what qualities and characteristics a child is to have when they become an adult. You want them to be socially, financially, relationally, spiritually, and emotionally mature. So you help them develop friendships, learn to handle money by working for a living. Parents help their child to see God in life and develop a relationship with Him. Parents encourage and comfort their children when emotionally hurt, but also teach them how to respond to their pain.

Parenting is not easy, but at times we need to step back and access the path we are walking with our children.

Putting an end to money fights

2010-07-20T16:39:27-07:00

In my previous life (before divorce), when I first was married, money struggles were the norm. There were always more wants than cash. We began married life while I was still in college. I had my last 2 years remaining. She was working full-time and in 1978 she earned about $480 per month. Rent was $125 for a 700 sq. foot duplex on campus. School was paid for in cash as the price per quarter hour was around $35. We had no credit cards, car loans. And still it was tight.

Soon I landed a job as a weekend Youth Minster at a little church 40 miles away. We doubled our take home when I brought home $100 per weekend. We were living the high life. Soon we bought a TV, car and things got wild. The bills continued to pile up and the "free" money disappeared. I had a hard time saying no to her wants and even my wants.

More money was always needed and happiness was never achieved. Contentment was elusive. God was active in my world, but I'd never been taught or trained how to manage money (or I never listened). The strains and stress brought on by these financial disasters compounded marriage communication.

Handling money is a breeze compared to handling desires and wants. A budget helps but both spouses must be willing to align their desires with each other in line with their budget realities. When debt is limited or avoided, by controlling spending, then marital communication is more easily achieved. It is not an easy task to accomplish, but it is possible. Talk, compromise and a deep love for God can move a marriage out of conflict to peace.

If you struggle with handling money and marital conflict naturally following, seek wise counsel from other couples who have successfully navigated this tough stream. The Bible is replete with verses that emphasis aligning desires with God's plan...letting him be the source of our hearts desire.

7 or 12 Year Itch?

2010-07-16T16:27:12-07:00

Marilyn Monroe was the star of a movie popularizing the 7 year itch in marriage when husbands or wives look for greener pastures in relationships. Statistics now show the itch occurs 12 years into the marriage. So if you thought you were comfortable because you made it past 7, watch out!

There may be statistics that point to a time when many couples begin to wander and stray, but I've been around long enough to have seen marriages a few weeks old, few years old, 25 years together and longer calling it quits. It is not the years, it is the willingness to challenge yourself personally throughout the course of marriage to grow and develop.

God designed marriage to be 2 individuals (man and woman) to unite themselves together into a new relationship. He did not design marriage to be easy, in fact marriage is the place your faults most quickly rise to the surface. It is the easiest response in the world to blame your spouse for a failed marriage, for making your life miserable, for breaking your heart. God's plan was for each individual in the relationship to continue self development in their relationship with God.

We are so good at blaming. The church let me down. The preacher wasn't inspirational enough. The worship didn't meet my needs. The youth or children's program didn't teach my children enough.

We blame the school system. The teacher didn't challenge my child or spend enough time with them. The state didn't give them the right textbooks. There were too many kids in the class.

We blame the spouse. My spouse wasn't godly enough. He wouldn't pray with me. She wouldn't initiate sex often enough. She didn't cook the meals the way I like them. He didn't save enough money. He didn't encourage me. She was always so critical.

Problems are difficult. Issues are real. Challenges are large. But what am I going to do about it. Moses walked for 40 years basically alone...just he and God. Daniel had no friends to help him along. Joseph lived with the memory of brothers who had sold him as a slave. They each took personal responsibility for their walk with God and life.

It is not a 7 or 12 year itch. Marriage problems are real, but putting the pressure and responsibility on your spouse to be perfect and "complete you" is beyond reality. Take the initiation to grow in a relationship with God and that will change your partner and your marriage. Take the necessary stops to become emotionally healthy, set boundaries, and enjoy the journey with God. And if both partners work individually towards God the marriage will be successful and long. In the words of the gentleman who started the Men's Warehouse, "I guarantee it."

What skeletons do you have buried?

2010-07-15T12:57:45-07:00

The AP headline read "Experts work to free buried ship hull at WTC site." I had to read on. In the 1700's, the city of New York was trying to extend Manhattan further into the Hudson River and utilized all kinds of items to do so. Apparently, they used an old ship hull and anchor to accomplish the goal. Workers at the World Trade Center site uncovered a 32 foot long ship hull as well as a 100 pound anchor. Archaeologists have been summoned to further investigate how old the wood is.

Amazing! I imagine the original schemers of the expansion plan never dreamed these artifacts would be unearthed. They buried them for a purpose. If it had not been for the disaster on September 11, 2001, the skeletons of New Yorks past would have remained buried.

The point is obvious. Be careful what you bury in your life. You may have thought you'd buried the bones deep enough, but some event may bring them to the surface. Especially in our world of growing technology, trails are left and people may find out our past.

God would challenge us to live as free believers but to not use our freedom to indulge our sinful nature. God would remind us that there is grace and forgiveness, but also consequences that we may experience by our past choices. Our skeletons have this strange way of being found out.

It happened to Cain killing his brother, Josephs jealous brothers selling him into slavery and then telling daddy that Joseph was killed, Moses doing a poor job burying the Egyptian he killed, David sneaking Bathsheba into his room for a nightcap and her ending up pregnant. On and on the stories go. What we try to bury, God brings to life.

Honesty and living above board brings long lasting peace. Dishonest living and hiding events brings inner turmoil and lose of sleep.

How will you remember George?

2010-07-13T18:41:53-07:00

I am a Boston Red Sox fan. Enough said of how I feel about the Yankees. George Steinbrenner was a part of their history for the past 37 years. He changed baseball bringing a large purse to the table to acquire players to build again a Yankee winning legacy. His Yanks won 11 pennants, 7 World Series, and 2 suspensions. Today George passed away of a massive heart attack. Everything George did was massive including the way he left the earth.

I remember him as bigger than life in all he did. He was loud and boisterous. He seemed to enjoy making huge waves in the public eye. He appeared to enjoy firing coaches and some were masochistic and kept coming back for more. But he made being a Yankee a desire (if you like the Yankees). Steinbrenner’s trademark quick axe was typified with manager Billy Martin, whom he hired and fired five times. Steinbrenner changed skippers 17 times in his first 17 years as owner and 20 times in his first 23, in addition to going through 11 general managers during his tenure.

Steinbrenner's final appearance at Yankee Stadium was at this year's home opener, when Derek Jeter and Joe Girardi presented him with his World Series ring. George headed a group of investors who bought the Yankees from CBS in 1973 for approximately $10 million. Today the franchise is worth about $1 billion. His career as owner was the longest in team history. When he took the reins of the club, he told the media, "I won’t be active in the day-to-day operations of the club at all," then spent the next 37 years refuting that claim.

George...thanks for the memories. How will you remember George?

Controlling Anger!

2010-07-12T21:41:27-07:00

Mel Gibson seems to be a poster boy for all who cannot control anger in relationships. He's being accused of hitting his long time girlfriend and supposedly the authorities have an audio tape of a confession.

I've never understood a man hitting a woman, especially in anger. Joking is one thing, but releasing your physical power in anger is out of bounds. Hitting children, teens or wives crosses the line. I'm not referring to discipline or spanking which is appropriate when done in control, however anger out of control hurts, damages and destroys self-esteem and trust.

Controlling anger is not easy. Anger can grab hold of hearts and twist motives. Anger, if allowed to fester and grow, can take over a life, marriage and family. Control cannot take place without God. People try to mask anger, swallow anger, hold it in...but eventually it wins the day and destroys a heart. Only God can remove anger or at least give a person the ability to control its outcome. God gives an alternative...love. He gives people a different way to view the problem person...the perpetrator of the issue. By his power, we are able to say as he said on the cross "Father, forgive them...they just don't know what they're doing."

So when anger begins to rear its ugly head or sneak out from under the rock, allow God's forgiveness to change your heart. See Christ's love demonstrated on the cross and allow it to melt your anger and frustration.

Lindsay can't accept punishment

2010-07-11T19:07:18-07:00

90 days in jail for violating her probation guidelines. Love it! She hires a new attorney. Love it! I can hardly wait to see the next court appearance. I hope the Judge carries out the planned sentence. I grow weary of watching people, especially celebrities skate free because of their reputation or amount they can spend.

Regardless of the laws of the land, God is not so permissive nor able to be coerced or bought. Laws are blind. Judges are not. Laws are made to be followed to protect, yet some people perceive themselves to be above the law. Sowing and reaping is one of God's greatest tools to remind us that there are consequences to our choices.

When humans seek to avoid the reaping (when it is justified) then we shortchange God's change process. We hurt our children's future when we allow them to escape the natural consequences of their choices. When parents refuse to allow a Teacher, Principle or School Board from the just actions of discipline to our children, we only make matters worse. At some point someone will stop them or they will end up hurting others.

Before the elementary school year began, my parents walked into Principle Sullivan's office and give her complete permission to discipline me in any way she saw fit. I heard the words and it made me respect her (more fear) as well as my parents who would follow up with more discipline at home. Only once was I called into her office with another student. I won't tell what for but the other kid got the punishment.

The best thing for Lindsay is to face the consequences of her actions. Perhaps it would teach her what her parents and friends refuse to communicate. They do not really love her to continue allowing her self-destructive path. Love disciplines!

Give LeBron a Break!

2010-07-09T09:16:28-07:00

Poor LeBron. He was a victim of hype perpetrated by those who wanted to make a killing from his decision as to where to play. He had no choice. He has agents and publicists to pay. He has to make his killing while he can still run up and down the court.

Loyalty to a team who hired him straight out of high school is secondary. Loyalty to a city, owner, franchise and team mates is unimportant in the grand scheme of life. You must live for yourself. Grab for all the gusto you can. Make hay while the sunshines. Take it to the bank. Look out for number 1.

The owner of the Cav's is making too much on LeBron's communication method. He gave you plenty of heads up by the way he played in game 5, 2, 4, and 6. He's a total team player! He just wants a ring. Despite playing for the team with teh best record last season, his team mates just could not rally to support him. LeBron deserves the best! The world revolves around him. It really does. God planned the entire creation around his existence!

Shame on us for joining the hype. Shame on us for caring so much. Shame on us for expecting anything more or differently. Shame on me for wasting my time writing this today, especially since he doesn't play for Boston. Oh wait...Boston beat LeBron!

Setting up your husband to cheat

2010-07-08T10:05:57-07:00

The Japanese culture apparently is known for husbands who cheat on their wives. The only way a wife can receive a good financial payout in divorce proceedings is to catch their husband cheating with hard evidence. Abigail Haworth writes about this in Marie Claire.

So steps in Secret Shadow and their female breakup artists who make over $200,000 per year seducing married men. One seducer says "Women have had enough of being treated badly. It's the norm in Japan for husbands to cheat, so I don't feel bad about tricking them on behalf of their wives." For $2500 per week per client, she arranges a first encounter with the man and the sets up a second meeting where she suggests a visit to a bar. She says the husbands rarely refuse.

This business is booming in Japan. The seducer carries a remote controlled camera to record the encounters and 2 others tag along to snap photos of the chance meetings.

There must be other solutions to stop cheating. We live in a world in which cheating takes place. It is nothing new. It has happened since the beginning of time. Healthy marriages can exist, but it does take effort. It takes commitment to working through difficulties and not seeking an easy fix. Mature people realize that relationships struggle, and don't become trapped in following their "feelings." Feelings mislead us and lead us down paths we never would take when logic is clear.

If you are tempted, that is normal. What you do with the temptation is critical. When we give in and follow our feelings we find difficulties, sin and heartbreak. Seek help from a trusted friend or professional counselor if the challenge is severe. Pray for strength. Remind yourself of your commitment and who might become hurt by infidelity.

Seek to save your marriage at all costs!