Rantings Of The Lazy Iguana

Getting Splashed

2008-10-11T07:20:00.002-04:00

And sloshed.

I found a Columbus Day solution. I will have to contend with the Contender - which belongs to someone else.

This has MANY advantages! Probably the biggest advantage is that I do not have to put my boat in the water. This means I do not have to tow the boat to the ramp. This means I do not have to deal with the madness that will be at the boat ramps today. Already - there are a lot of boats anchored out at the party spot. Trailer parking spaces are already filling up. Some of the smaller marinas are already full, or close to full.

And that is not all! It also means I do not have to pull the boat out of the water (more marina madness), trailer home, wash the boat down, flush the engine out, and so on.

Oh yea - the fuel tanks in the boat will remain at the same level! This is always good. Sort of. Actually it is a conundrum. If the boat fuel tanks are full, it means I do not have to put more gas in. But if I do not need to put more gas in, it means I am not using the boat.

Anyhow a friend of mine has a new Contender 21 footer. They are also members of a private boat club that has a lift. The boat is at the club now. So they can put it in the water without dealing with the marina madness.

Once at the party spot, the Contender will tie up with some other boats and all will be good.

The only issue is that the Contender has no top. So there is no shade. Shade is good. Shade prevents skin cancer. But I was promised that the other boats will have shade. And maybe even AC. Nice.

I am going to bring extra sun screen. A lot of extra sunscreen. BECAUSE............

October is breast cancer awareness month. And on Columbus Day there are a lot of exposed boobs. Now these exposed boobs do not always see the sun, and so they are prone to nasty horrible sunburn.

So in the interest of breast cancer awareness month I am going to perform a public service by distributing free sunscreen to chicks who want to go topless. I will even apply it myself, so that I am sure that all areas are covered.

Because that is how I roll. I am all about the public service.

Situation (Not The Yaz Song)

2008-10-10T01:23:00.004-04:00

OK what do you do if you find yourself in this situation?

You are riding a beautiful white horse. To your right side is a drop off. On your left there are a bunch of ostriches being chased by a lion. And if this is not enough - in front of you there is a herd of gazelles that will not get out of your way, and behind you is a stampede of other horses.

How do you get yourself out of this highly dangerous situation?

Ill let you mull that one over for a bit.

It is looking more and more like I will not be able to get out for Columbus Day. Not really that big of a deal really - it is a madhouse. Finding a place to launch the boat from would be a pain in the ass anyway. If I can not find a crew tomorrow then oh well. Ill just go out some other day, when the bay is not full of madness and mayhem.

Which by the way, are two of my favorite M words. The rest are foul and unfit for publication on the internet. Yea I know that 99% of the internet is porn, and of the remaining 1% - 99% of that are Nigerian email scams. But lets not sully the internet even more by contaminating the .01% that is not porn or Nigerian email scams with foul M words.

And now, video clips of stupid people doing stupid shit - and paying the price. Stupid is not free. It has a cost. Usually measured in pints of blood and/or a hospital bill.

Oh yea - the answer to the situation is......

GET YOUR DRUNK ASS OFF THE MERRY GO ROUND!

Strange Goings On

2008-10-09T04:52:00.002-04:00

I think that somehow "the woods" was magically transported into the general area where I live.

You see, when I went out to get the cats inside at 2 or 3 AM, I saw something very strange. Some sort of animal.

It did not look like a cat, unless it was one big cat. It had a longer body than a cat would have (unless it was an exotic or a savanna - which is a cross between a domestic cat and an exotic). It seemed to have slightly longer legs than a cat would have. It had a bushy tail, but it was slightly tapered at the end and unlike what most cat tails look like.

But I do not think it was a cat. It did not move like a cat. It trotted more like a dog would. Even when I saw it run, it did not have a typical cat running movement.

So maybe it was a deformed dog? Possible. But I do not think so. There were two of them you see. When I tried to walk over to get a closer look, the two split up. One jumped over a fence. I mean cleared it. There was no clinking sound at all.

I know dogs can jump, but they tend to be clumsier about it. It was not panting as dogs do. It is still warm here - even at night, so a dog running around would be panting.

So I do not think it was a dog. But from the distance I was at, it looked like it had a dog like snout.

As I watched the other animal trot away down the street, I could not help but to think of one animal that moves more like a dog, has the grace of a cat, has a bushy tail, and has the general body shape I was looking at.

A fox. But where would a group of fox hide? There is no woods close to here. Well there is a fairly large park about a mile to a mile and a half away from here that has some woods, and the woods area is used for some lame ass "Santa's Enchanted Forest" thing which people are starting to set up - so it is possible that fox live in that woods and were scared out of it from the activity - but how they would find their way to here is not clear.

The park closest to me is small, mostly open space, and has very few trees. I do not think it would make a very good fox home.

I could not get close enough to confirm the identity of the critter. So whatever it was, its identity will remain a secret.

But if I had to guess, based on what I observed, I would say that I saw a pair of fox.

Goings On

2008-10-08T03:20:00.002-04:00

I know that the world is wondering what is going over here. Not wanting to disappoint the population of the planet and upset the cosmic forces, I decided to make a post.

Even if I do not have anything really cool to say.

First - I do not yet know if I will make it out to the Columbus Day party. I might, I might not. As of now I am leaning towards "might not", but no firm decisions have been made. So who knows.

The main problems relate to no firm commitments from various associates to go, and the hassle that will be involved putting the boat in the water that day. The ramps are extra busy, and there is a lot of vessel traffic. A good deal of the people that are out there have a lack of basic boating knowledge. And then there is the alcohol consumed. Every year there are accidents. It is a pretty nutty time on the water.

If I go then Ill go. And take pictures. If I do not go then I suppose there will be no photos.

For the benefit of one person who still reads this blog, I got the urge to build something. And document the construction process. And the post it all here! So I might go this. It all depends on how lazy I get. And what I can find in the line of lumber scraps. Ill need some lumber scraps. I really do not want to actually buy anything to construct the project.

The boat needs to be scrubbed. I started on this project, but I did not finish it. The tarp the boat was living under got damaged, so the boat was just out in the elements for a while. Not good. The seats got black spots on them. I got most of the spots off with some Simple Green, but I need to take some Tilex out there to finish the job.

I got some stuff called "Barkeepers Friend" to clean the diamond no slip pattern that is molded into the deck. The non slip surface is nice because you do not slip, but it is a bitch to keep clean.

The metal rails and t-top frame could use a polishing. Barkeepers Friend will work for that too.

It is going to be a fair amount of work. Lots of scrubbing with a hand held brush.

It is times like this that I am glad the boat is only a 20 footer!

Weekend Plans.

2008-10-06T01:16:00.004-04:00

Columbus Day is this weekend! And what is Columbus Day you ask?

Well it depends on who you are. If you are of European descent then it is the day we honor the dude given credit for discovering the new world. Which already had people living on it. Now call me crazy but how can I "discover" a place that already has people in it?

HEY LOOK! I just discovered Walt Disney World!! Amazing! Who knew this place existed! And it just got better! I discovered Space Mountain, and a haunted mansion! Wow this is turning out to be a pretty good day!

And if you are of Native American descent, then Columbus Day is probably a day of mourning.

Anyhow none of that crap really matters anymore. What does matter is that a few decades ago some hoity-toity sailing yacht owners decided that Columbus Day would be a good day for a regatta. A sailboat race. Why not. They had nothing else better to do.

And so it began. A humble sailboat race few people here gave a shit about. Sailboat racing was something for the well to do, not everyone else.

However for those in the race, after it was over why not drop anchor somewhere and hang out?

And thus was born something people DO give a shit about - A PARTY!!

Over the decades, not a lot has changed. Few people gave a shit about the actual race, but the party kept gaining popularity.

Today, the party reigns king. The boring sailboat race still takes place, but nobody really cares. Many people are not even aware that there is a race going on.

This shot is from last year. It is not all the boats that were at the party. Some overnight, some are day trippers. Last year I stayed on my boat for two nights. I showed up at the anchorage late Friday night and did not return to the ramp till Sunday afternoon. I was tied up with some friends in another boat. They cheated however - bringing a boat with an enclosed toilet, fresh water shower, and cabin.

I had to jump overboard to pee, my shower was taken on the deck using 1 gallon water jugs I filled before I left, and there was no cabin to sleep in. I am hard core like that.

I do not yet know if I am going out this year. Ill have to see who else is going, and how long they plan to stay. Leaving late Friday seems to work out pretty well. The ramps are not as busy, there are places to park, and the cops are still setting up the DUI station but are not yet ready to process anyone. So it is a good time to leave.

If I go I will try to go Friday night again. Traffic on the water gets pretty heavy Saturday unless you leave really early. The party ramps up by the afternoon and really hits overdrive in the evening. A plan to return on Sunday, if other people can stay out that long, would be workable. If not then a return home Saturday night is possible.

If I go, Ill do the same as last year. Attempt to find someone to tie up to, and of course bring the kayak!

Wake Up

2008-10-05T05:22:00.002-04:00

Its Sunday! I think. Ill have to check my sources. I did not think there would be a post as I went to sleep without putting one up, but then Fred the big orange cat decided to do something about it. So he came in here, started to meow / howl (loudly) and then jumped up on the bed when he realized I was not going to get up to feed him.

So now I am awake. Fred is sleeping. I am going to wait a few more minutes, then start making noise, and throw a pillow at him. See how the cat likes that! Wake me up huh?? Well two can play that game!

And in other news, it is raining. Or at least it was raining. And it is supposed to rain some more. you see, a weak cold front pushed through. And then as soon as it passed it stalled and reversed direction - as a warm front. And now it is an occluded front that seems to be stalled. So there will be more rain. At some point.

However, as you can see if the weather REALLY wants to screw with you, it will. I am so sure there was much snickering in the production room when this weather report was going on. This is why weather people on TV can be funny. They get so into what they are saying that they sometimes forget to watch out where they are standing.

The other news goons have sense enough to remain seated behind a desk.

Anyhow - that is about all that is going on today! Just a rainy day. Ill have to feed critters soon. The critters eat too darn much.

If You Are Not Part Of The Solution.....

2008-10-04T00:04:00.002-04:00

Then you are part of the precipitate.

Just a little chemistry joke for you. Science people are not really known for their excellent joke,s so for a chemistry joke that is about as good as it gets.

This is why you do not want to invite a bunch of chemistry geeks to a party. They will start up with the bad jokes and then someone will make a stink bomb in the sink and next thing you know all the girls at the party have been spooked off.

Meanwhile, someone else is showing everyone how to make an even stinkier concoction in the sink. And before you know it, you have a chemistry geek stink bomb creating contest going on.

Sounds like a load of fun huh?

Now lets contrast this to a party with a lot of accountants. That would be even worse. I can only imagine the jokes there! What did the credit say to the debit? You are on the wrong side of the balance sheet and can not be properly amortized using straight line depreciation!! HA!!! Good one huh??

No. Not a good one. You are scaring people. And stop keeping track of how many party snacks are left in each bowl. Nobody cares.

The point is, it can always get worse. And when it stops getting worse, you are most likely at rock bottom.

Or just at a very bad party.

Either way it is about the same.

The VP Debates

2008-10-03T01:33:00.003-04:00

OK OK I admit - I missed the first Presidential debates.

Yes. Missed them. You see, they were on a Friday. This is a major problem for me. Fridays are "hang out at the Miami Yacht Club" night. It is tradition. And one should not screw with tradition.

So I was busy. Hanging out at the yacht club. Consuming beer. Talking about boats. And so on.

Watching some debates was just not going to happen. But I did record them on the DVR. And no, I did not watch the recording yet.

BUT - the VP debates were on Thursday. Thursday is not Friday. Therefore it is not Miami Yacht Club night. So I was free to watch it.

Now from prior experience I learned there is one good place to watch political crap at. And that place is......

FRITZ AND FRANZ BIERHAUS!

Why not. I watched the final night of the Democratic Convention from this place. There was whole group there just to watch the final night.

And eat some food.

And what the hell - it is the BIERHAUS! The beer house!!! So might as well have a beer. Or two. Or six.

Now if you are going to watch political shit, I highly recommend doing it at a German themed Bierhaus. It makes it that much funner.

And as fate would have it - Thursday just happened to be the first day of the Oktoberfest celebration.

AWESOME! Oktoberfest, in Miami, at a place owned by an actual German immigrant, serving authentic German beer, and I get to watch the debate.

Throw in some schnitzel and we will call it a deal!!!

Anyway - TWO LITERS of beer later, the debates were over and I walked back to my friend's place - where the trusty truck was parked. My friend does not live too far from the beer place, so there was no good reason to drive there. Walking was better.

Anyhow I got to keep the 1 liter glass mug. So I can go back and get refills for $12. Until Oktoberfest is over that is. I might just do this. By my math, I need at least one or two more refills to break even on the whole "buy the mug" thing. After that point I am "saving" money. In theory.

But one could also argue that I would have saved even more by not buying the mug and first liter for $25, and then paying $12 per refill. I can not really argue with that logic either. But what is done is done. So I might as well go back for more!!

I think the beer heightened the whole VP debate experience. Get tired of the talking??? Drink more!!!! Problem solved. Hungry? Order a soft pretzel. Problem solved.

Anyway as for the debates - I got what I expected. There was the expectation that Palin would flop. I did not not expect this. I suspect that her previous comments may have been a setup.

But if I had to judge who made up more bullshit, I think I would vote for Palin. She said a few things I know for a fact are simply not true. It was made up. There were also a few questions that were not answered by Palin.

But I did not expect her to flop. I did not expect her to "win" but I did not expect a total flop.

However, I did some quick research on Alaska. It has a populatin of about 683,478 people (est 2007). I have no idea what the budget of the State is. The populatin density of the state is 1.2 people per square mile.

The City of Coral Gables, one city insde Miami-Dade County, with an area of 37.2 square miles - 64% of which is water so the land area is only 13.1 square miles - has a population of 42,871 (est 2005). That is a population density of 3,217 people per square mile.

If Coral Gables were in Alaska it would account for 6.3% of the population of the entire State.

Miami-Dade County has a population of 2,387,170 (est 2007). Or 350% of the population of the entire State of Alaska. And Miami-Dade is but one county of many in the State of Florida.

According to the McCain camp's logic, Miami-Dade County mayor Carlos Alvarez, who has a County budget that looks a lot like the entire State budget for Alaska (COUNTY BUDGET), woul make a better executive.

But he was not nominated.

I just do not get it. I do not see how the McCain/Palin ticket will change anything. I am not convinced they will do anything different. And since they are the incumbant party the burden of proof if sort of on them. And I am just not convinced.

At this point I do not know if I can become convinced that they will really change anything.

And one more thing. I would have gone about this a whole other way. When some asshole says "tax breaks to business creates jobs" (and yes that WAS said - at least 2 or 3 times) I would have said "well then by your insane economic theory, we should be up to our assholes in good paying jobs - after so many years of such cuts! Governor - would you care to tell those watching where there can apply for some of these great jobs????".

But no. Nobody said that. And I would still like to kn0w - where are all these jobs? 8 years of the Bush economic policy and tax cuts and shit - and what do we have? Where are the jobs?? Where is the prosperity?

I can show you $4 a gallon gas, people filing for unemployment, collapsed banks, and so on. But more jobs??? Nope. Can't find many of those.

It makes me want to have another liter of beer.

Upload Your Slogans At Crest.Com

2008-10-02T02:45:00.004-04:00

Yea, I saw the commercial. You know the one with that annoying TV chef? BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!!

And a bunch of idiots cheer and clap. At least now we know what this child TV star is doing today!

Traded in the club for a pepper grinder huh?

Anyhow - these are some of my submissions to Crest.Com!!

1. Crest - because it tastes better than rotten teeth!

2. Crest - now with mouth herpes killing agents!

3. Crest - because crystal meth addicts need to brush too!

4. Made in the USA, so why not spend your tax rebate check on the stuff?

5. Crest - Not made in China so you know its 100% lead free!

6. Crest - possibly made in China but tested to make sure it only contains a little lead.

7. Crest - use daily OR ELSE THIS WILL BE WHAT YOUR TEETH LOOK LIKE!
8. Crest - buy a tube then CRAM IT down the throat of your favorite bank CEO!

9. Crest - that minty flavor? ITS NOT MINT!!!! HAAHAHAAHAHAHHAAH!!!

10. Because Frank N. Stein says "Crest sofa king good".

Somehow, I do not think Ill be winning the contest. But they asked! Companies should really not ask me for slogans. I can come up with some you will never EVER forget - but that might not be a good thing marketing wise.

Even if every so-called marketing "expert" says that a memorable slogan is exactly what you want.

Well - you would never forget "now with herpes medicine" as a slogan would you? I would not!

And if you meet someone, and end up at their place, and you see a tube of toothpaste with herpes medicine - you know its probably a good time to leave. Unless it is already too late. In which case you might as well hang out for a few more hours. In for a penny in for a pound.

NOTE - I do not really have a problem with the Crest company - so DO NOT SUE ME!!! I have no money anyway. You would be drilling in a very dry well.

In fact, I use the stuff. Teeth are important. You need them for things like opening bottles and gripping fishing line and holding things and what not.

Clutter

2008-10-01T01:53:00.003-04:00

You may have noticed the thing next to my "fishing knot of the day" widget. What is it you ask??

It is some kind of "click to vote" thing that supposedly is going to get some animal shelter $10 Gs. As in grand. There are also other things that the shelter may win.

Anyhow if you feel like it click the thing. If not then don't. But f you are really cool then you will go to the site, vote (they want an email address - do what I do and create a gmail or Yahoo email account that you use for stuff like that), and then post the little banner click thing on your site. If you have one.

Vote by October 16th, or else the Supreme Court will just pick a winner.

ANYHOW......moving right along........

TEN USELESS THINGS I KNOW!

Not in any order. All these things are equally useless things cluttering up brain space that could be used to remember something remotely helpful. Like for example where my car keys are right now. GOT ME!!! I would have to look in one of the 5 places I tend to leave them at.

1. The name of the Kellog's Corn Flakes rooster.

2. The original 4 marshmallow shapes in Lucky Charms cereal.

3. The difference in an ale and a lager.

4. Standard temperature and pressure.

5. The words to "Effervescing Elephant" by Sid Barrett.

6. The words to the 1970s "Slinky" commercial jingle.

7. The Snoopy Sno Cone Machine. You put ice cubes in and get a snow cone out, yum yum fun is what its all about!

8. The phone number to Frankie's Pizza (NOTE - this may be useful)

9. How to beat Ultima 3. Which I actually have a copy of. Now if I only had a vintage IBM PC Jr. to run the game on.

10. What channel HBO was on back in the 1980s when my parents had cable TV.

And there. Now you have a little idea of the useless crap that clutters my brain, and why there is no more brain capacity for useful knowledge.

I Can See The Bahamas From My Front Yard

2008-09-30T03:44:00.002-04:00

Actually I can't. But Bimini is only about 50 miles east of the Miami Sea Buoy!

So think about that! I do quite often. I think "if I just had a slightly larger boat with twin engines.......I could go get me some fresh conch!"

And rum from Cuba. Because in The Bahamas that shit is legal. But here in the USA??? Not legal. contraband.

Not that I do not know where I can get it. It is not like there are a bunch of bars where if you know the secret password (usually "Fidel Castro sucks") you can order shots of contraband Cuban rum or anything.

OH NO!!! The people in Miami who are so in favor of the embargo would NEVER EVER think about going to The Bahamas and bringing back a few crates of Cuban rum! Of course not.

And there is no way - NO WAY - I would ever go to the local Indian reservation, buy a whole lot of tax free cigarettes, take them to The Bahamas, unload them, clear Bahamas Customs, load up with Cuban rum - then come back to Miami! NEVER EVER!

Seriously - never. My boat is a little bit small for the crossing.

Plus it is just not worth it. Honestly I do not understand the obsession with Cuban rum. Flor De Cana 7 year Grand Reserve is better than any Cuban rum I have ever had.

And Flor De Cana is legal. Not contraband. It comes from Nicaragua. I can buy as much of it as I want without having to know any secret passwords or anything. Even if I could just buy a bottle of Cuban rum, I would go with Flor De Cana anyway.

Stick to what you know - and like! That is my general rum rule.

Anyhow my point is that I can almost see The Bahamas from my front yard. There is Florida, and then some water - and then The Bahamas!

I am sure this might mean something one day.

Almost Sort Of Cold Front

2008-09-29T00:55:00.006-04:00

But not really. It rained here for a bit. At times it was raining rather hard. There was some urban flooding in the areas that always seem to flood.

Temperatures ARE a little cooler. So some people I know are going on about "the cold front".

But...alas, it is not a cold front. During and after a cold front you can expect a few things to happen. Really - you can. Do not believe me? Next time one passes over observe for yourself!

1. It rains like crazy. It really comes down. This is typical for the first fronts to hit. See the warm moist air is displaced by the rapidly moving cold front. The air is forced up. Where it gets cold. Cold air can not hold moisture, so it all falls as rain. Or sleet. Or snow. It all depends on how cold we are talking about. But as the front passes, the rain/sleet/snow stops. Down here we get hard rain, but after the hard rain stops the weather clears fast.

2. The prevailing winds change direction 180 (more or less) degrees. Low pressure air spins counter clockwise. High pressure air spins clockwise. The cold front is ALWAYS the leading edge of high pressure. So the winds change direction.

3. The weather clears rapidly.

4. It gets colder.

5. You generally feel better as the higher pressure air allows your lungs to take in more oxygen with each breath.

6. Pressure RISES. This is a very important concept.

What happened today was after the hard rain, we got a few hours of drizzle. It got a little cooler, but not that much. Highs for today are forecast to be 88 degrees. Better than 96, but not really "cold". The winds did not change direction. In fact right now there is no wind. It is dead calm. The sky did not clear, there are still clouds out.

And most importantly, the pressure is currently FALLING. This means that a high pressure zone could not have moved over this area. In fact, it means a LOW PRESSURE area is approaching.

So....not a cold front.

The Sierra Nevada Bigfoot Barleywine shall remain in the fridge for some more time.

Skipper The Parrot

2008-09-27T04:48:00.003-04:00

If you are here to know what I thought of the debates - you are S.O.L. And what does S.O.L. mean?

Shit Out of Luck.

You see, I was too busy to watch. Too busy doing what you ask??

Consuming beer. Talking shit. Doing a Skipper The Parrot memorial shot. And so on.

By the way, Skipper The Parrot belonged to an associate of mine. Skipper The Parrot was 52 years old. The owner had that bird for that long.

So what did we learn from that? DO NOT GET A PET PARROT! You will have it for 50 years. The parrot may even outlive you!

So yea - I was slightly busy. Therefore I do not have a debate analysis.

I did record it on the DVR. I might watch it later.

I want to see a Shuttle launch. I have decided. I am going to do it. I have to inquire about getting a ticket to watch the next launch. I have to check with associates and see who else wants to go. Hopefully someone will.

The other day I was right by the Kennedy Space Center. But the shuttle did not launch. So I did not see anything relating to space ship launches.

There will only be 10 more Shuttle launches before the Shuttle program is supposed to end. I would like to see at least one launch before it is a part of history.

And it is only a 3 - 4 hour drive.

1 Day Adventure.

2008-09-26T00:35:00.002-04:00

You know what? It was time for a 1 day adventure. An adventure, but one that lasts only 1 day. Get the hell out of this place - shake things up a bit.

Excitement! Peril! And stuff like that.

Or not.

You see, my mom has a friend living a few hours away that had some sort of major surgery. Hip replacement I believe. That is some NASTY shit. They have to pretty much unattach your leg. The problem is nature spent a VERY LONG time making sure your leg can not just fall off. It is attached pretty well. Soooo.....

They have to cut you open from your ass to right above your knee. Then they cut off the old natural ball that attached your femur to your hip. Then they cram this metal spike thing into your femur. Then they attach a metal ball to the metal stud that is now sticking out of living bone. And then they pop the new ball joint into your ass bone socket.

And then you get a whole lot of pain pills. And you need them so if anyone says "you do not need those drugs" you can kick them in the nuts (or other sensitive area) with your now bionic leg. Then tell them that they are overdoing the pain thing, and to please stop doubling over while making hamster noises. Then sell them one of your pills for $20.

But make a "mistake" and give them some other cheap pill instead. Pick one, it does not really matter. Preferably pick one with the most fun side effects - like for example one that causes loose runny gross extra stinky water like stool. For a month.

But I am getting sidetracked here. Mom wanted to go visit her friend, currently recuperating in a nursing home where she can get physical therapy daily.

That reminds me. While I was roaming about the place looking for the right room (staff told us the room number was 208 - which is the dementia ward - when the room that the friend is in is 108 - not the dementia ward) I found the "activity room".

I wish I had taken a photo of the activity room. You see, someone thought that they would decorate the door to the room with Halloween stuff. So what did they put up?

A big ass GRIM REAPER! In a nursing home. Some people there are on hospice. Some are in really bad shape. As in they could go at any moment. A few of the residents are over 100!

And they put up a Grim Reaper. YEA! That works. Hey look! Death! Right there in the "activity room"! Why don't you go do some "activities" in there Mr. Jones? So....complaining about the meatloaf again huh? Shall we make you go to....THE ACTIVITY ROOM?!!??!?!?!

Come one people. THINK! This is a nursing home. Full of old people, many of which are sick and need constant care. Oxygen bottles everywhere. Beds on wheels so residents can be wheeled out of their rooms into a larger room so at least they can hang out with someone. DO NOT USE GRIM REAPER AND SKULL HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS! How about the standard "black car all frizzed up" or the "witch on a broom flying past the full moon" or something?

I have a pretty twisted sense of humor, and even I would have declared that joke was just going too far. Why not put on a hockey goalie mask and bust into the place with a chainsaw?? Or an ax drenched in fake blood? Then start yelling and waving the chainsaw / ax for a few minutes while the staff, in on the joke, pretends to run around in a state of panic while screaming. Hell, hire the Universal Studios special effects guy to make it look like a staff member got a body part chopped off.

Then when you can not contain the laughter any more - remove the mask and have the whole staff say "happy Halloween!!!!"

Then find a lot of new residents. Cause there will be a whole lot of vacancies after that.

But I am getting all sidetracked all over again.

My mom's friend lives in Palm Bay, Florida. That is only about a 3 hour drive from here. In fact, it is a three hour drive. 4 with traffic. Palm Bay is very close to Melbourne FL on Florida's "Space Coast". So named because of Kennedy Space Center.

So it was clear what needed to be done. Mom did not need to drive for 7 hours just so she could visit her friend in the nursing home / physical therapy / GRIM REAPER CENTRAL place.

So I reserved a rental car. And since they were nice enough to ask what kind of car I wanted, and I was renting from Hertz, and Hertz has Mustangs, I got a Mustang. They asked hardtop or convertible. I asked for the hardtop but they gave me this one instead. OOPS! Here you can see said car parked in Palm Bay.

Once mom was delivered to the place to visit with her friend, my job was done. I might as well go explore the place a bit. This is the primary reason the top is down. I can explore better if there is no top on the car, as doing that removes all blind spots.

Eventually I found this. The Intracoastal Waterway.

And there was a causeway on the road I had to pull off of to get this photo!!!

Do I dare find out what lies on the other side of this causeway? I don't know there. I mean, who knows what could be over there. Could be anything! Maybe a beach! And maybe just a large store selling Grim Reaper related decorations - which seem to be so popular up there.

But it was One Day Adventure Day so of course I continued along the causeway.

And what I found was Melbourne Beach. I sort of expected to find that. Next thing was to search out a surf shop place where I could obtain a hat. You see, I did not think that they were going to rent me a vert. So I did not come prepared. No hat!!! You need a hat, as it keeps your hair from blowing all over the place.

There were a bunch of places that probably sold such items along Melbourne Beach, but I also wanted a little beach side place to hang out for a bit while the visiting thing was going on.

But as it turns out, there were no likely places to hang out beach side on Melbourne Beach. Really. Oh sure there were a lot of daily / weekly rental apartments. And hotels. And even some residential units. But no little place to just hang out. At least not on the beach. And who wants to hang out inside some generic place?

So I kept going. Soon I encountered Patrick Air Force Base. A1A runs right through the base. And of course after that comes Coca Beach and then once you are there it is only minutes to Kennedy Space Center.

Too bad the Shuttle was not being launched! That would have been cool. But it was not to be.

I like Coca Beach much better than Melbourne Beach. Coca Beach is a pretty cool place. I found a surf shop where I could get a hat that says "Coca Beach Florida" proving I was in fact there. And I also found this.

A genuine beach DIVE BAR! Perfect. Just what I was looking for. A place to hang out on the beach.

A quick check of the local laws confirmed that this was an acceptable place to hang out.

Notice what it says. Alcohol "restriction". No containers in excess of 1 gallon. 1 gallon?!?!?!? Holy shit that is lot of tequila! How much do you need? I would think that limiting containers to 1/2 gallon would be sufficient - but no. On Coca Beach you can have containers up to 1 gallon in size. Also notice how there is nothing about a limit on the number of 1 gallon containers of booze you can have. So if you want that 5 gallon party keg - no problem! Buy 5 gallons of water, dump out the water, replace with beer. Cops will smile and say "Welcome to Coca Beach!! Don't let that beer get too warm now!".

I inquired about this sign to the bartender in the local dive bar place. She informed me that it is because of - what else - old people. See the old people LOVE their boxed wine. And boxes of wine are around 1 gallon in size. So when the "restrictions" were being written the local bar owners / people who like to drink showed up at the city council meeting to voice their objection to a drinking ban on the beach. All the other beaches have no drinking on the beach laws, so the Coca Beach bars have had an upswing in business. They like that.

The locals also like to be able to go to the beach and have a beer.

The old people, who just do not give a crap about anything, want their box wine. And what are the cops going to do?? Arrest Grandpa who fought the Nazis in WWII for having a box of wine on a beach - kind of like the beach he stormed on D-Day? Oh hell no! What would the headlines say about that? War hero, winner of 12 Purple Hearts and 2 Medals Of Honor, arrested by fascist pigs for having a little bit of wine".

So the "restriction" is 1 gallon containers. Not much of a restriction at all if you ask me. Might was well just say "no glass containers, no kegs". That would pretty much be the same thing.

Looking SOUTH along the beach from the deck of the little bar that seems to be a popular spot for the locals to hang out.

Looking NORTH along the beach from the deck behind the little dive bar I found.

The beaches on this part of the State go for hundreds of miles. They are endless. They just go on and on and on. In South Florida, this is just not the case. And to the east is just open Atlantic Ocean. There are no Bahama Islands, and there is no bay. So the ocean rollers just come in and form breakers on the beach. In Miami, this does not happen. You just do not normally see these breakers. Sometimes you do, but only on some beaches. And usually there has to be fairly shitty weather around.

And this is Ocean Rescue. The red flag means there is a "high hazard". Rough conditions such as strong surf and/or currents are present. Swimmers are discouraged from entering the water, and those that do should take great care.

The rollers were creating 4 - 6 foot breakers. So someone who was not careful could get into trouble in that kind of surf. Also, there probably were some strong undertow currents. All that water breaking on the beach has to drain you know.

And with that the adventure was pretty much over. I got called, the visit was over as my mom's friend had to go to her daily physical therapy, so it was time to pay the tab and get back to Miami.

I was back home at 6:50 PM. I left the house to pick up the rental car at about 5:45 AM. It took about 3 hours to get there and 4 hours to get home.

All in all - not too bad of a haul. I keep forgetting how close the Space Coast actually is to me. I really need to go watch a Space Shuttle launch one of these days - before they stop flying the thing.

Stunts

2008-09-25T01:08:00.003-04:00

I hate stunts. Take the latest David Blane stupidity. Hanging by your feet huh? Where at? I would like to know so I can BEAT YOU LIKE A PINATA!!!!!

Only I suspect candy will not come out.

Please David, just go away. Nobody cares. Want to impress me with a "stunt"? Go submerge yourself in lava for 5 minutes. And not that fake Hollywood movie studio lava either - I'm talking about LAVA! Do it at Volcano National Park in Hawaii.

But I am not talking about physical stunts. I am talking about something almost as retarded.

So McCain is suspending his campaign. You know, "the crisis" and everything. And now he wants to suspend the debates so that he can "fix" the mess?

REALLY?!?!?! So you are going to fix this is a single bound huh? Weren't you the chairman of the Banking And Finance Committee? Back then would have been a good time to fix the mess.

Now it seems to me that these hearings have been going on for a few days - sans McCain. So why the big rush now? I mean - there is nothing to vote on yet. And we all know that whatever is cobbled together WILL pass. How do I know this? The banks have us by the short and curlies here. Bail them out or else we all go broke. Well not all of us. Ill be OK most likely. See my investments can lose a lot of value, but there is a time horizon for them to come back. Assuming that they do not all collapse into dust. But if I were 3 years from retirement then I would be screwed.

Unless I wanted to eat canned dog food for dinner. HAPPY RETIREMENT! Here is your Alpo cake!

So yea, the bailout WILL happen.

McCain has said that the proposal on the table now is "dead". Well the only proposal I am aware of is the one Bush proposed. And I agree - that is dead. This is why there are HEARINGS going on. So that everyone can hammer out something that can pass.

Pronouncing it "dead" just so you can "suspend" a campaign then rush to DC to personally save the day is nothing more than a stunt. You are not suspending anything! Please.

If McCain were so worried about this then why not suspend the campaign on day 1 of the hearings? Huh? Why now?

And why can Senator McCain not multitask? You know, watch this thing called "C-SPAN" on the talking picture box (NOW IN COLOR!!!!)? Video tape the shit if you have to. That way you can watch the hearings and campaign at the same time.

And what the hell - use that magical email device to send questions you want asked to some asshole actually at the hearing.

You know, TECHNOLOGY???? This thing that allows for multitasking??? The days of two tin cans and some waxed string are over.

So yea, I want to vote for the man who can only do one thing at a time. There is no way in hell a President may have to deal with more than one thing at a time! OH NO! It is totally impossible that a major hurricane will rip apart an American city while this economic thing happens.

Right??? Anyone still out of power from Ike?? NAAAA! That problem is all over with now.

So anyway - I smelled a stunt.

But it could not possibly be the whole "lets put off the debates" thing. It HAD TO be something else.

And then it all came together. I found this posted on Fox "news" only a little over 3 hours from now (as I am typing this).

http://embeds.blogs.foxnews.com/2008/09/24/palin-will-also-suspend-campaign/

Palin will also suspend her campaign. Why? She is not a senator. She can not swoop in and personally save the day!

But she will suspend her campaign anyway.

I already heard a blub on some lame TV news channel about the next logical step.

The suspension of the VP debates. AH HA! So now the stunt becomes clear! A move to put off the VP debates - possibly forever! I mean if the first date is missed then all the other days can be "booked with prior engagements" and whatnot. The McCain camp can foot drag and stall and delay - and then before you know it election day is here!

And nobody really gives a crap about the VP debates anyway! We are not voting for the bottom of the ticket! It is the top that counts!!

And so on.

So if you ask me what the root of this latest stunt is - there is my answer. To put off the VP debates as long as possible.

And while that is going on, grandstand. Pretend there is no such thing as a "campaign jet" that is always full of fuel and can have either man in DC in a matter of hours. Pretend that without you there, in person, nothing can get done.

And so on.

I am not buying into this bullshit.

And if it is not bullshit - if the man is really serious (and lets be honest - nobody knows when the clowns are being serious) - then I think it is really bad that he can not concentrate on more than one thing at a time.

History

2008-09-24T03:01:00.002-04:00

You know, some things never cease to amaze me. Really.

Take the mess going on now. You know, the finance meltdown. Nobody could have seen this coming huh?

Well lets see here. In 80s the idea that government had no place in anything was proposed. Small government was the way to go! Less is more! Let the free markets breathe!

And so it was. Deregulation began. And what did we see?

Junk bonds. An entire industry was built on these bonds. And then there was a new kind of financial institution - sort of. The Savings and Loan. Not exactly a commercial bank, so they were not covered by US Federal Reserve regulations. And not exactly credit unions.

To be honest, I do not know what they were. But I do know they were largely unregulated. Free to do the free market thing.

And what happened? They collapsed. They invested heavily in high risk "junk" bonds. Sure they made an ass load of money for a time - but that ended.

And the taxpayers had to bail them out.

But that was not enough. No. The experiment needed to go on. Less was still more!

Now let me tell you the story of an airport. An airport that needed to be expanded. The local government decided that the "free market" could get the job done better, faster, and cheaper.

So they gave a company - the major user of the airport in question - a blank check. And they said "expand the airport the way you want - because after all you are the major airline here!"

And they did just that. Only since they were NOT using their own money it was all fucked up. Terminals were built that did not match the master plan. Things were ordered before they were needed.

15 years later, the expansion is not finished yet. The project is WAY over budget. It was over budget 10 years ago really.

The taxpayers are bailing that place out too. The airline gets to keep using the airport, without taking any of the liability of the project.

So much for the theory that somehow the "free market" is this magical fairyland, full of fountains that run with rainbow beams and the streets are all paved with gold!

Actually - I take that back. The free market is just that. And when the golden road has to be repaved - GOVERNMENT!!! WE NEED A BAILOUT!!!!!

So why were there regulations in the first place? Why were banks not allowed to be insurance companies?

Well there was a time when there were no regulations at all. Banks could do what they wanted to. And companies could do what they wanted too.

This period of time is also known as "the gilded age". Sort of. Business actually had to deal with the anti-trust law before this period of time. I think. Business also had to contend with the rise of organized labor - which created the middle class.

But unions suck. I know. Who needs them. We can trust business to treat people like they are not horse shit! Why there is no way they would allow profit to get ahead of employees.

Anyhow that is another historical thing.

Back to "the gilded age" - which unless I am mistaken was the period of time after WWI and before 1930? You know - "the roaring 20s"?

It was a pretty good time. All sorts of new securities were invented. Banks and financial institutions were running totally free and unregulated. Why they did not even have to tell the truth on balance sheets!!!

And then, late in 1929, the party ended. Just like that. The cops showed up and confiscated all the drugs and the beer keg - and made the girls put their tops back on and stop dancing around.

What followed was the Great Depression.

Modern banking regulations were written during the Depression - to prevent it from happening again.

And in the 40s - after WWII - the USA was booming. Same for the 50s. And 60s. Things got a little rough in the 70s, but before that the economy had a pretty good run.

But in the 80s enough people had died / forgotten the reason for regulations in the first place. So the push to dump them began.

Leading to today. And this is even AFTER the collapse of the Savings and Loans! How soon we forget huh?

There is such a thing as over regulation. There is such a thing as rules that are far too restrictive.

But the MYTH that we can just trust the free market should be clear. For now. Until we forget again.

And we will forget again.

Business wants the bailout - but not the regulations.

And we can trust them to not fuck up again! Right?

Tradition

2008-09-23T00:53:00.004-04:00

My first day of fall went OK.

A long time good friend came to visit. And mooch some free internet access. I give my long time good friends the password to my wireless network.

The celebration of spring involved a few shots of Flor De Cana 7 year grand reserve rum. I have grown quite fond of this rum. Nicaragua knows how to make some ass kicking rum!!!

Trust me here. It is good. If you do not believe me, buy a bottle. It is not terribly expensive. I pay around $20 for a 750 ml bottle. For rum aged 7 year in a wooden barrel that is cheap. But the stuff is just so fucking smooth!!!!

I give the Flor De Cana 7 year grand reserve FIVE out if five stars. It is truly excellent.

The 12 year rum is even better. And I have even sampled some Flor De Cana 21 year rum - it is to die for. So smooth, so full of flavor.

If there is one reason to live, it is for Flor De Cana 21 year rum.

By the way, if you are reading this and you are a representative of the great Nation of Nicaragua - I would greatly appreciate a barrel of your Flor De Cana. Really. It would hold a place of great honor in my humble abode. Me and my friends would get drunk many times in honor of your great nation.

But no matter what, Nicaraguan rum will ALWAYS be dear to me. It really is the best. Better than all other rums from all other nations. Better than Appleton from Jamaica. No offense Jamaica, but Flor De Cana is better. I still love your Appleton and your Myers, but given the choice Ill go with Flor De Cana.

Better than Black Seal rum from Bermuda. Better than Bacardi from Puerto Rico. Better than Brugal from the Dominican Republic. Better than Barbancourt from Haiti.

Flor De Cana truly a great product. Trust me here. I have done my research. The competition was tough, but Flor De Cana comes out on top.

So anyway, there was much celebration with the rum.

And I busted out with the last of my Sierra Nevada ESB. ESB is for "early spring beer". I actually bought this before I went to Sanibel Island in the summer. There was the booze store, and my parents (who technically own the time share) wanted to shop at the evil Wal-Mart across the street.

Well I do not support evil. So I went across the street to the booze depot.

In the parking lot of the Wal-Mart I had one ESB, and one Bigfoot Barleywine.

And then another Bigfood barleywine. Why not. In for a penny, in for a pound!!!

And then another ESB. For the road. What the fuck. I was following my dad in his Durango towin the boat anyway. Knowing that dad would not speed while towing the boat why not have a few beers???

There was NO WAY I was going to crash into my beloved boat. I love the boat. It is all I have really. I would gladly crash my vehicle into ANYTHING other than my boat. Tanker of plutonium??? BRING IT ON!!!!! Just not the boat.

So it was safe to drink and drive - but only for that one time.

Anyhow the ESB and Bigfoot are heavy beers with a high alcohol content. No good for the summer really.

I have 4 Bigfoots left. They are 12% beers. VERY HEAVY. They are reserved for the first cold snap.

The ESB's are gone.

I still need to have Lazy Oktoberfest. It is like real Oktoberfect, only you do not need to go to Germany. You just get drunk here in Miami.

It is tradition. And one does not fuck with tradition.

Fall Equinox

2008-09-22T00:26:00.003-04:00

Today is a special day. It is the first day of fall. At 15:44 UTC the sun will be directly over the equator. This exact moment in time marks the fall equinox. Many people think the equinox lasts all day, but scientifically speaking it does not. It is a moment in time. The exact time at which if you were standing on the equator the sun would be exactly 90 degrees over head.

Today, you can expect to have an equal amount of day and night. For the most part. If the sun hovered directly over the equator then days would last 12 hours and nights would last 12 hours. In reality the sun is in constant relative motion in relation to Earth.

So for those of us living north of the equator, the day will be a few seconds longer than the night and for those south of the equator, the night will be a few seconds longer than the day. But it would be a safe bet to call it even. Equal periods of day and night.

From here on out, days will get shorter and shorter if you live north of the equator. South of the equator days will get longer and longer.

So depending on where you are, it is either fall or spring.

Now I like this time of the year. It makes me feel good. For one, it means hurricane season will be over soon. But it also means cooler weather is on the way. It means Ill be able to enjoy some crisp cool air when outdoors. It means the bugs will go away. It means there will be days when I do not have to use the vehicle AC, I can just roll down the windows. Maybe even turn on the heater.

I have found it works very well to keep all the windows down, open the split window in the rear of the truck, and then turn on the heater full blast - directed to the floor. It works well as long as you are moving. At red lights you may have to turn the heat down.

But mostly, it means crisp cool days. It means it is not so blasted hot that you do not want to move around. It means bike riding in the everglades without dying of blood loss / heat stroke.

My time of year. For sure.

So the days will get shorter and shorter. Nights will get longer and longer.

And on December 21, winter solstice, the sun will be directly over the Tropic Of Capricorn. Solstices mark the shortest and longest days of the year (summer solstice is the longest day, winter solstice is the shortest).

I have some special beer in the fridge, waiting for the first good cold front to pass. When I can sit outside and it feels like the whole world is air conditioned, then Ill be able to enjoy this beer. It is a dark and heavy beer, with a high alcohol content. Not at all what you want on a hot summer day. But PERFECT for a crisp cool fall / winter day.

I am really looking forward to this.

AVAST!!!

2008-09-19T02:19:00.002-04:00

Today be the day. And what day might that be? Talk Like A Pirate Day ye scurvy bilge rat!

Don't tell me ye be forgettin! Tis a grave offense don'tcha know?

Arrrr, this whole post be in pirate speak.

But first, before I forget, BOOTY FOR DUSTY! Just some buried treasure I be leavin. Harrr!

Tis easy to talk like a pirate! These salty sea dogs made a lernin video for ye.

The important thing is to be rememberin that in the language of pirate, the noun always be placed before the adjective.

This beer be flat!

This rum be weak!

That thar wench be saucy!

Arrrrr be the most flexible word in the language of pirate. Arrrr can mean "yes I would like a muffin", "I agree", "I do not agree", "buzz off", "ye scurvy dog", or even "this whole financial collapse thing is really getting me down - my 401k lost $25,000 just today!". For example.

PIRATE 1: This bank collapse thing be causin me ship to take on water!!

PIRATE 2: Arrrrrrr!

And so on.

The language of pirate be useful indeed. And today be the day we celebrate it, in all its glory!

ARRRRRRRR! Where be me grog?

International Talk Like A Pirate Day

2008-09-18T02:43:00.007-04:00

September 19th is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. Many people worldwide (it is INTERNATIONAL Talk Like A Pirate Day) are trying to raise awareness of this holiday. You can help out by - and you will never guess this - talking like a pirate. All day.

You see.....

Most days are like all of the others,
Go to work, come back home, watch TV.
But brother, if I had me druthers,
I'd chuck it and head out to sea!

For I dream of the skull and the crossbones.
I dream of the great day to come,
When I dump the mundane for the old Spanish Main
And trade me computer for rum!! ARRRR!

Yes, it is Talk Like A Pirate Day. When laptops are benches God gave us for wenches and sale ain't a low price to pay. Where timbers are shivered and lilies are livered and every last buckle is swashed. Trade in your car for a ship full of ARRRRRRs and then pound the grog till your sloshed.

Really. This is a serious holiday. There is even a THEME SONG for the holiday. So you know it is true. And that is not all! OH NO! Not even close. There is a Wikipedia entry as well.

And of course, an official web site.

So how did this day begin? Good question. The bilge rat known as Capt'n Slappy invented it as the result of a sports injury.

According to Capt'n Slappy, the day is the only holiday to come into being as a result of a sports injury. He has stated that during a racquetball game between Capt'n Slappy and Chumbucket, one of them reacted to the pain with an outburst of "Aaarrr!", and the idea was born. That game took place on June 6, 1995, but out of respect for the observance of D-Day, they chose Capt'n Slappy's ex-wife's birthday, as it would be easy for him to remember.

So remember, September 19th is Talk Like A Pirate Day. Warn your co-workers. Warn your friends and family. Warn everyone you know.

Or don't. I am not going to warn anyone. I am just going to talk like a pirate. Let everyone think I am on drugs. I can pass a piss test. I have been studying for that test for some time now. Ill ace the shit.

Just think of it, you can say things like "avast!" and "arrrrr" and "drop anchor" and "scurvy" and "bilge rat" and even "prepare to be boarded" and "surrender the booty".

So how does this work? Lets say you have to go to the supply closet at your place of employment for more desk supplies. Instead of saying "I need another pack of pens" you can say "ARRRG! Prepare to be boarded!" and then bust into the supply area. Then you say "surrender the booty!" and take what you want. It does not matter if you need it or not, just take it.

Trust me - nobody will bother you. They may look at you in a strange way, but they will not bother you. They will get the hell out of your way and possibly call security.

At which point you pull out your cutlass that you made out of cardboard earlier (when you were supposed to be working on that big project), and make the bilge rats walk the plank. Or at least get out of your cubicle.

Then look for another job. Because chances are you will be the only one taking the holiday seriously.

But just imagine how fun work would be on September 19tyh if this holiday were known by all. Holy shit that would be a fun day. Not much actual work would get done - but the office water cooler would be full of rum. And you would still get paid. You could call all the chicks in the office "wenches" and not have to worry about another sexual harassment seminar. You could get drunk and not get fired.

Seriously, give me ONE Talk Like A Pirate Day and Ill give you TWO "paid legal holidays". Really. Ill call that a bargain. The best I ever had.

Are you getting all my classic rock references? I make a lot of them you know. Just ask Alice, when she's ten feet tall.

But I do not know any good pirate phrases! What should I do?

You have a full day to prepare for this. Be creative. But if you need a starting point, here is Capt'n Slappy himself.

Get in touch with your inner pirate.

Spay and/or neuter your pet.

And finally, if you are going to be drinkin the grog, be sure to sail with a designated helmsman.

Cat Exclusion Zone

2008-09-16T02:12:00.002-04:00

This is Cleo. As you can see, Cleo is a cat. I "found" Cleo when I was looking for Cornelius, who just vanished without a trace. I put up "lost cat" signs with a picture of Cornelius all over the place. So someone calls me one night to say the cat is in their back yard, which was only a few houses over. So I go over there and it was not Cornelius, it was Cleo. Cornelius was described as "neutered male cat, about 1 year old, 10 pounds". The cat they saw was a scrawny little sickly kitten. Not male, not neutered, and nowhere near 10 pounds.

But the scrawny sickly looking little half wild kitten needed a place to hang out. And food. So I brought it in and gave it food and tamed it and took it to the vet and so on. So Cleo is still here.

And on the table. The photo is proof of that. Cleo is not supposed to get on the table. But she does not seem to care about what she is supposed to do. She just gets up there and looks at you. As if to say "yea I am on the table - got a problem with that??". She did not even move as I reached for the camera, which was right next to her.

She just wanted to share some of my food. But when she is eating I am not allowed to share any of her food. Neither are any other cats. I did not give her any of my food. It was my food. And I was hungry.

I have squirt bottles, but they are currently empty. I cleaned them out with a little bleach and forgot to refill them. I use the squirt bottles to establish a cat free zone. It works for as long as there is water in the bottles.

Now I know what you are thinking. You are saying "I would not allow my cat on the table" or "my cat never gets on the table".

Oh really? If you are thinking that, I have news for you. Your cat is smarter than you are. Look at the facts. Who is the one who works? Who is the one who buys the food? Who is the one who puts up with traffic and a boss and coworkers you may not even like? Who is the one on a handful of pills because of hypertension, high blood pressure, and who knows what else?

And who is the one that spends the day lounging around, sleeping most of the time?

Yea - I thought so.

Anyhow I have news for you. If you have a cat, and it goes in the house - it is on the table. You may not ever see the cat on the table, but when you are not looking guess what? Cat is on the table. And do not think a "scarecat" will work. I tried that. The cat quickly figured out the full color life size cardboard cutout of me was fake. It was used as a cat scratching post.

Anyhow I gave up. I lost the "stay off the table" war. The cats had a better war strategy than me. Sure I had technology on my side. I also had a pretty much unlimited war budget. I could have any weapons system I wanted. Squirt bottles hanging from the ceiling (space) if I wanted to. You name it.

But I lost.

The Life Aquatic With Lazy Iguana

2008-09-15T00:37:00.002-04:00

I promise this post will be far more entertaining than that stupid "Life Aquatic" movie. It was SO BAD that I could not even watch it.

And I have watched "Killer Clowns From Outer Space" more than once. So when a movie is so bad I can not handle it you know it is really horrible.

As I alluded to before, I am involved in something of a racket. The way it works is I put my boat in the water. Once in the water I boat around from here to there, doing stuff. What kind of stuff? Who knows. Maybe just looking out for stuff. Maybe more. You just never know.

And in return, the government pays for the gas. Pretty sweet deal if you ask me.

STANDARD WARNING!!!!!! All photos are linked to full size images. These images are fairly large, around 3 megs each. And so forth.

Now when the mission began, I wanted to check this out. I could see it from the shore.

That pole should not be sticking out of the water like that. But it is. And why is this? Well the sailboat that pole is attached to sank. There is an area of the bay where many boats are anchored / moored. Some of these boats are abandoned. Over time the abandoned boats fill up with water and sink. Each rain storm adds a little more water. Every gallon of water in the bilge means the boat is that much less buoyant. Eventually it sinks. This one sank. It actually sank a few weeks ago, I remember seeing it listing to one side.

Here is a closer view. I should have salvaged that white floating thing. It is a fender. That rail sticking up may also have some value. Not much, but someone with a sailboat that floats might have a use for it.

The rest of the boat is history. It was not worth much when it was still floating. But now it is even less than worthless. It will cost someone money if they want this hazard to navigation removed.

The hull is totally covered in marine growth. The sailboat is part of nature now.

This is ICW day mark 31, in Biscayne Bay. Or should I say it was a day mark. Now it is just a very dangerous steel beam sticking out of the water. The beam rusted out over time, and I guess the recent near miss storms provided just enough wind to snap them. Someone, most likely the USCG, put a buoy there. But what is left of the beam remains. The buoy is probably temporary, when they get around to it another marker on another steel beam will be driven into the bay. But for now it remains a potentially dangerous oblect. Should a careless boater pass too close to the buoy it will be a problem.

But I found an unmarked navigaitonal hazard of my own! A big ass log. It was a good 30 feet long. It was longer than my boat. it was spotted floating in Government Cut, around the area the cruise ships use. It was just floating there. I think it was a utility pole or a dock piling that fell off a barge or other ship. It did not seem to be broken off. The Coast Guard did not know it was there, it was first reported to anyone by my boat.

This was a very dangerous object. It was floating, but most of the log was underwater. It was hard to see. And it was getting late in the day. This area of the bay has no speed restrictions. And since it is protected water, when there are no cruise ships there and the cut is open to general traffic people like to go fast.

Anyone who hit thaty log would suffer major engine damage. Lower units would have been ripped off. It may have even caused injuries from a boat stopping really fast. People could have been thrown overboard, and possibly drowned. Boats could have been damaged to the point of sinking.

So I took it under tow. Here you can see the log being towed. You can sort of see it in the photo, but mostly you see the wake it is creating.

Here is the log again, under tow in government cut. I towed it out of the cut, and then to a public ramp owned by the City Of Miami. I left it there, after hauling it up on land. I hauled it out of the water because I did not want it to float away in the tides.

I was planning on using the truck to pull it to an out of the way area, but the log was very heavy. It would have been heavy when dry, but it was water logged. So it was extra super heavy. I tied a rope with a tensile strength of 4,000 pounds to it. The rope snapped. So I had to leave it where the rope snapped.

Anyhow that is how the day went. And this is what I do when I am out on a mission in which the government pays for the gas. I get to go out on the boat, which is fun - but sometimes I have to do something. Like tow a big ass log out of the water.

Boat Stuff

2008-09-13T02:33:00.004-04:00

Well there is not a whole lot going on. So I decided why not put the boat in the water.

It is going to be an official mission. So that means I have to do the "watch out for stuff" thing. And the government pays for the gas. All in all, it usually works out well.

Last official mission the boat was on I got to take a cruise up the Miami River, to maintain a security zone around a freighter that burned up while a commercial diving team performed an underwater hull inspection. That was pretty cool.

Ill have the camera. If I see anything interesting Ill photograph it. I already know of at least one thing. A sunken sailboat. It sank. You can tell it sank because the mast is still visible above the water.

I may also see other things. You never know.

Cult of The Iguana

2008-09-11T01:31:00.003-04:00

I just noticed something. I have followers! Two of them.

So since I have followers, I got a brilliant idea. Become a cult leader! I always wanted to be one of them. I get to say stuff, and even if it is total bullshit others will listen. Hang on every word.

And most importantly, give me money. There is no point in being a cult leader if nobody gives you money.

I hope my followers are all very rich and even more gullible. But something tells me I am shit out of luck on both counts.

I need a follower like Tom Cruise. Rich, and ripe for the cult picking. I just have to pry him away from that other cult he is a part of.

And now - a video of a man with WAY TOO MUCH time on his hands.

A scuba diving cat? I am so sure the cat just loves that shit. If that cat were not so fat it would spin around and bite the living shit out of that guy.

Fred would. Fred will bite you if you do so much as try to pet him on the belly. He hates that. He may resemble the Buddha, but there is no rubbing his fatness for good luck. And he has been on a diet so he does not resemble the Buddha so much anymore.

I can not even imagine what wrath he would unleash upon the fool who carried him into a swimming pool.

I do not need such fools in my cult. They would spend all their money on stupid shit, like scuba equipment for their cats. Leaving less money to give unto me. For the cult leader requires much money so that I can obtain the twin engine boat of prophecy, enabling the golden age of some shit I have yet to make up to be ushered in.

I am a lazy cult leader. There will be many more golden ages of some shit I have not made up yet. Because that is how it is.

Only lots of money will enable all the secrets to be fully revealed. But this is where the twin engine boat of prophecy comes into play.

I can only make shit up while at sea. And the current boat does not have a place for a desk, so it is hard to write stuff. Therefore I need another boat. With a cabin. And a table upon which I may write. And AC so that I may be comfortable while I make crap up. And a fridge so that the beer shall remain cold, without needing coolers full of ice. I shall call beer "prophecy juice" and it shall be revered by all. But mostly me.

Rum shall be known as "super concentrated prophecy juice". The super concentrated prophecy juice needs to be treated carefully. Too little of the stuff and there shall be no good prophecies. Too much and I fall down and sleep for a few hours. So you need to have just the right amount.

But the galley shall also require an ice maker. And there should also be a fresh water tank of a decent size, and a marine water maker. And a water heater.

This cult leader does not believe in cold showers. Unless it is very hot. But with AC it will not be very hot.

And of course, a flushing toilet.

I figure I can get all these things once I am in the 45+ foot range.

So yea....I need a lot more followers. Or one really rich follower.

This And That

2008-09-10T03:41:00.003-04:00

I see nobody read or commented on my fish success post.

Fine. Go on and keep killing fish. Don't do 4 or 5 things to all but guarantee fish success.

But enough about that.

Last week I had a mystery tooth chip event. I was innocently hanging out at home, watching TV. Out of nowhere I noticed a small, rock like substance in my mouth. Not thinking about it too hard I just exhaled hard and sent the object flying.

But then I started to think about it. What the hell was that? Where did it come from?

And then I noticed the pit on one of my front teeth. Not very big, but I could feel it with my tongue. And it had somewhat sharp edges. No pain, but once I knew about it it drove me batty.

I could not leave it alone.

So I contact the dentist office and ask what can be done about it. This resulted in an appointment.

Now really it was not a big deal. Just a small little pit. Hell the sharp edges had even become smooth edges. But still, it was bugging me.

The dentist looked at it, and determined that it was not a big deal. It was not going to be subject to decay (which was what I was concerned about) because the chip was in the "self cleaning area".

Awesome.

Anyhow I made myself at home in the chair, the drill was busted out, there was some minor drilling that did not bother me at all. The drilling took about 30 seconds (if that).

OK so now I am up to about 1 minute in the office.

Next was the applying of the magical tooth putty.

And then there was the special UV light to harden the magical tooth putty.

But apparently this was just the primer coat. For there was some more tooth putty stuff applied. And then it was formed and pressed into place with some sort of blunt metal object.

Then more light treatment to harden the stuff.

Then a little more drilling, to remove the excess.

I was out of the place about 30 minutes after I walked in. So including waiting time and my possible tardiness by a few minutes to the appointment, it was about 15 minutes I was in the back room.

$250.

This is about twice as much as a half hour in the champagne room at a strip club would cost. And I did not even get a dance.

But I do not have this pit on my front tooth that drives me crazy.