Rants from the Alright Guys

Woooshhh

2010-03-16T21:59:00.001-04:00

So I was driving home the other day talking with Snocone on the phone when the topic of talking on the phone while taking a dump came up. I'm a big fan of this. I do it to people all the time and always love hearing the disgust in their voice right after I flush. I don't typically spend alot of time on the toilet so its pretty easy for me to have an entire conversation that lasts longer then the time it takes me to drop the kiddies off at the pool. Occassionally, I'll sit and relax for a bit. Like if I have a good book to read or if I brought my laptop in. Then, I'll do my business and just sit and waif in the smell of my muchness while I chat with people on Facebook or type up a rant (like I am doing at this exact moment.) Anyways, our conversation led to how comfortable a toilet seat can be and just turned dark from there.
I think the reason the seats are so comfortable is the hole in the center. My junk can just hang free like the little baby Jesus intended. And my tailbone doesn't get pushed up against anything. If you ever notice those pads they have for office chairs, they always come in a doughnut shape. It's just simple ergonomics. The best toilet seats are the ones with the padding. The little cusion on them that makes a wooooshhh noise when you sit down. They are great. So comfy. Just have to make sure some asshat doesn't pee on them. The wet spots and yellow urine stains will take out every ounce of comfort.
One of the best parts of the woooshhh seats is the just that, the woooshhh. It's purely accidently where the woooshhh comes out at, but it is due to the compression of air escaping thru whatever whole the vendor put in the seat. 9 times out of 10, that hole face towards the back of the toilet or out one of the sides. But every once and awhile you get lucky. When the hole is in the back of the seat facing in towards the middle is when you can possibly experience one of lifes little pleasures. The blowing of air on your scrotum. Everybody loves a nice breeze down below. Its refreshing and helps to counteract all the sweaty buildup and funk smell that gets down there from having your junk all bunched up in a pair of pants. God doesn't want you to crunch your junk. He wants it to hang free. Thats why Adam wore a leaf.
I think I'll invent a seat that purposely blows air on my nuts every time I sit down. That would be awesome. You could even scent it. Make the funk a little fresher. Maybe a lilac or vanilla scent. Or lemon... Everybody loves lemon balls.

2010-02-03T22:03:00.000-05:00

I'm not a smart person. And even though I am ADD and can multitask like a son of a bitch, I'm not good at orgies. The problem with orgies is theres just too many bodies. It confusing. You never know who you're grabbing or sometimes, even what your grabbing. Say you're in a pile, you grab ahold of a nice tight ass. And you move your hand down south to do some "sharkin". You expect to find a nice warm pussy but all you end up with is some dude's junk. Why? becuase he thinks its cool to shave his ass, so that you can't tell the difference between his ass and the hot blond you thought you were palming. I don't want to hold his junk anymore than he wants me to. It's crazy. And then you have penis flopping all over the place. You'll be going down on some nice tasty twat, and all the sudden you get poked in the eye with some mansteak. Now you've got a black eye when you goto work on Monday. How the hell do you explain that one to your co-workers. "Some dude poked me in the eye with his hard-on." That'll go over smooth I'm sure. Sex just isn't meant to be enjoyed like that. It's too much work. It's just not fun. Thats why I do it the way God intended. never with anymore then 4 other people. You know, keep it simple. That way I always know whos balls I'm grabbing.

Rockin to the Oldies

2009-10-18T18:47:00.000-04:00

First off, let me say, I am a try-sexual. In the effect that I will try pretty much anything once and most things more then once. Not so keen on vomiting or deification, but thats mostly because both make me vomit. Could I tweak my head, throw a few switchs and make it so it did turn me on? Probably, but I can't think of a good reason why I would want too. Not so sure about police women though. The idea of getting a baton shoved up my ass is a little intimidating. I don't think my asshole could handle that much. Now I'm drifting. Back on topic.

Anyways. My wife was reading in Cosmo that married men think about poker when they are having sex. And that they only think about sex the first time. I don't think thats true. Conveniently, I'm reading a book by Chuck Palanuik called "Choke" that touches on the same subject. Very good book, and movie. Strongly recommend both. In the book, the main character is a sexaholic. To prevent himself from cumming instantly every time he has sex, he thinks about aborted babies, dead puppies, rat feces or other disgusting things. I don't suffer that problem. My sex life is slightly more normal.

Most of the time, when I'm having sex, I pace myself to finish the same time as my wife. If I'm running behind, I think about another person in bed with us. Sometimes its a guy, maybe doing DP or fingercuffs. Usually its another female doing pretty much anything. Whatever works with whatever position we are currently in. When I'm running ahead I don't think of dead babies, mutilated kittens, rodent diarrhea or retarded gopher masturbation. I think about rocking chairs.

It's always the same rocking chair. Sometimes its black or white or wood grain or blue or whatever, but its always the same chair. The background is always the same too. It's a candlelit background but you can't see the candle. Just the yellowish-reddish hue of light. Sometimes it's rocking. Sometimes not. There's never anyone sitting in it though.

I started thinking about this today. What does the rocking chair symbolize? Apparently, it's the most boring thing I can think of. Which may or may not reflect my views in favor of the euthanization of the elderly. Or maybe I need to go sit in front of the Cracker Barrel and fuck an Amish chick in one of those rockers out front. Either way, if my heart doesn't explode within the next 15 years, I may find myself in a rather self-conflicting position.

Trouble at the Bathhouse

2009-07-01T13:57:00.001-04:00

Been a while since this site has seen activity. I thought I'd spice things up with a tale.

I went camping last summer. It was the typical County Park camping complete with forest, lake, campfires, and fresh air. The four elements of nature were well represented.

During the adventure, my family had an encounter with a woman. She was completely trashed out of her mind and was taking her kid to shit at the bathhouse. The bathhouse was closed for cleaning, usually takes about 15 minutes, and is an absolute nesessity. My mom, aunt, and cousin witnessed the events.

The woman asked if her kid could use the bathhouse since he "had to shit." The park ranger informed her it was closed for cleaning, and that the kid would have to wait. I have to imagine her drunken attitude had something to do with the denial. I would like to think had he been addressed by a young child squirming in discomfort, he would have been acomodating.

But in this case, he denied her. She threatened to have her boyfriend beat him up, with no success. The park ranger left her to finish his job. The women instructed her kid to shit in the flower bed next to the entrance. With couch like speed, he did. Then she began to pace, muttering.. "I should rub that shit in his face.. I should rub that shit in his face.." Several times she headed away, only to return continuing to mutter... "I should rub that shit in his face..."

She finally made her choice and ripped a leaf off one of the larger plants in the flower bed and picked up the shit. Then walked toward the door. When she got there, the quiet voice in her head that was all along trying to save that man's face finally had some effect. She didn't wipe shit in the man's face, instead she smeared it all over the bathhouse's glass door.

My mom gave in to fear at this point, riding away as fast as her bike would travel. My aunt and cousin stayed for the end and then reported back. By the time I got there, they had powerwashed the entire door, surrounding walls, and sidewalk.

Later, we learned that the park management, "didn't have the balls to throw them out." Basically it was a failure of humanity all the way around.

Despite this ordeal, I still had a fun camping trip.

1000XP.

PC Gaming is an Enigma

2009-02-18T13:25:00.003-05:00

Here is an article copied and pasted from Twenty-Sided which I'm a big fan of. Shamus writes about video games and roleplaying games a lot. If I could could make him a board gamer on top of it, it'd probably be my home page. The following is an analogy about how a non-techie feels when trying to buy a graphics card for their PC:

Hey man, I need a new toaster. You know all about kitchen stuff. Have any suggestions?
The KitchenAid4000 series just came out.
Are those good?
I have a KA4510, and it’s really good.
Does it have 4 slots?
Oh you want 4 slots? Well, the KA4510 XN goes up to four slots, but it only toasts one side.
Let’s pretend I want to toast both sides.

Then you probably don’t want a KitchenAid. Their 4000 series 4-slicers aren’t very good. You could get one of the old KA3510 XN or XNS for cheap these days, but they take like, twenty minutes to toast the bread.
Er. What else is there?
The Cuisinart 7000 series is comparable to the KA 4000 series. The 7420, 7520, and the 7420 all do four slices. Just don’t get any of the SIP models because they can’t do bagels.
SIP?
“Slim Insertion Port”. The units are small, but only regular sliced bread will fit. KA has the same thing on many of their units. Actually, if you want to do bagels with a KA you’ll need the ASI units.

Which is?
“Adaptable Slot Interface”. It just means it can handle bread of varying widths.
So I should get a Cuisinart ASI?
No no no. That’s nonsense. In Cuisinart the units all handle wide bread unless they are SIP.
My head hurts. So I want a Cuisinart 7000 series, but not a SIP, right?

Pretty much. Now, the 7000 series is actually two generations. You don’t want anything before the 7400, because the pre-7400 units actually took up two wall plugs. The 7100 and 7200 four-slotters were actually two dual-slot units strapped together, so they had two cords. Plus, they didn’t have a timer so you had to stand over them yourself.
All I want is to toast bread! Four slices! Both sides!
Then the C7520 T series is for you. You can pick one up at Wall-Mart for about $400 these days.
FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS! I could buy an oven for that! I could just go out to eat every morning for that kind of money!
Ah, if you’re worried about price then the KitchenAid 4510 ES is a good pick. It’s only got three slots but it’s retailing for about $90.

I’m looking in the Wal-Mart flyer, but I don’t see that model.
Sure you do. Right here: The “Magitoast 7″. See how underneath it says “KA4510 Ex”? That means it’s the KitchenAid 4510 ES or the KitchenAid 4510 EP, just with a brand name slapped onto it.
…?
KitchenAid and Cuisinart don’t actually sell models directly. They make the insides parts of toasters, then other companies buy them, put the fancy shell on them, and give them a new brand name. But if you want to know what you’re getting, you have to look at which design the unit is based on.

Ah! I get it! Then why don’t I get this “TastyToast 2000″, which is like that 7520 you mentioned earlier. This one is only $50.
Er. That’s not the same thing. That’s a 7520 OS. The OS means “One Slice”. Total bargain unit for suckers. Some goes for the 6000 series and anything with a MRQ after it.
You know what? I’ve decided I don’t want toast anymore. I’m switching to breakfast cereal.

Good article. He writes more after this for those of you who want to go forth and check it out.

Evolution Appears! Command?

2009-01-29T16:29:00.006-05:00

We knew this day would come. One species was destined to rise up and take over, dethroning humans from our place at the top of the food chain. The first step in the process has begun: Immortality. I for one embrace our new underwater overlords.

In other news, I've pinpointed a few specific people who should be killed. Not by me, heavens no! That would be illegal not to mention arguably unethical. Let me show you some pictures:

Chad from the Alltel commercials. Smarmy little prick with froofy hair. This guy is from those commercials where the stupid, ugly, nerdy guys are falling all over each other's cocks trying to compete with suave, trendy Chad and Alltel. STOP IT.

You and your god-awful makeup are quirky, awkward and FUN! We get it. You're weird! Climb back up the ugly tree where you came from. And quit trying to sell me car insurance. I don't identify with you, unless by 'identify with you' I mean want to set you on fire and watch you run around in little circles and fall down into a little smoldering pile. Then yes, I totally identify with you and feel comfortable about purchasing insurance from your company.

Also, fuck Jet's Pizza.

Allow me to shift gears and ask all of my Christian readers to pray for an Arizona Cardinals victory on the upcoming Sabbath day. I will likely be praying to Cthulhu, the Great Old One who lies beneath the sea, waiting until the stars line up just right, releasing him from his slumber to wreak havoc upon this green planet of the clocks once more.

That's right, kids. This blog is your one-stop shop for jellyfish, sports, bitching and Lovecraftian rantings.

What Sucks Ass about D&D 3e Combat

2008-11-27T11:48:00.003-05:00

I absolutely hated this aspect of the 3rd edition combat rules.

Happy Thanksgiving, fuckers.

The Power of Sprit Healing

2008-11-11T08:55:00.000-05:00

The music just plain works.

Nerd Battle Scars

2008-10-25T16:43:00.004-04:00

Gen Con is the Most Funnest Thing Ever

2008-09-27T10:59:00.003-04:00

This is for those of you have never been to Gen Con before, and may not 'get it.' No string of words can sum up the exhilaration of the best four days in gaming the way this single, majestic image can:

I'm going to email Peter Adkinson and see if this can be the cover of the Gen Con '09 Regsitration Book.

Lone Wolf: Let us do Battle!

2008-09-22T12:55:00.005-04:00

We were traveling via carriage to Port Bax with Bob Saget, Steve Martin, that guy who ran the pawn shop in The Crow (Mr Gideon,) Cary Elwes and Scarlett Johansson. And we rolled a 4.

You are travelling along a narrow section of coast road which follows a dizzy course beneath high, overhanging cliffs. A rockfall has blocked the road ahead and you must stop to clear it. You are helping the driver to lever a large rock from the path of the carriage, when you hear the sound of falling rocks. A boulder crashes down from the overhanging cliff, killing the driver before you can make any attempt to save him. He was standing less than six feet away from you at the time of his death.

If you have the Kai Discipline of Sixth Sense, turn to 42.

If not, turn to 168.

You sense that someone is on the cliff above and that you were the intended victim of their attack. Someone is trying to kill you!

Turn to 168.

Slowly, one by one, the other travellers appear and stare in shock at the dead coachman. 'We must bury him,' says the priest.

You silently nod your agreement and prepare a grave in which to lay the corpse. As you all walk back to the coach, you discuss what should be done.

'I know the road to Port Bax. I had better drive the coach,' volunteers Halvorc.

'I do hope we're not blamed for his death,' says the priest nervously.

'It was an act of the gods,' says Dorier.

'I shall testify to that,' says Ganon. 'Lies are never spoken by Knights of the White Mountain.'

It is true that in Durenor, a true knight will speak only the truth whether for his own good or ill. His words seem to reassure the priest and you are all soon once more on the road heading towards the eastern horizon. It is late in the afternoon when you arrive at a coach station in a small coastal village known as Gorn Cove, which is mainly populated by outcasts, thieves and Szalls.

The death of the coachman is met by the villagers, with great suspicion, but Dorier's words convince them that it was accidental.

There is only one inn at the village, a tavern known as the Forlorn Hope. Its state of disrepair is typical of all the other hovels in this poor sea village. A room for the night costs 1 Gold Crown.

If you can pay for the room, turn to 314.

Done!

The innkeeper is a thin old man with only one eye. He hands you a key and points to a balcony opposite. 'Number two, the red door,' he says.

The other travellers each pay their one Crown, collect a key and make their way across the crowded tavern floor towards the stairs.

'We must make plans for tomorrow.' says Dorier. The others all nod in agreement. 'I suggest we meet here in the bar in one hour to decide what to do.'

As you close the red door of your room, for some unknown reason you recall the words of Captain Kelman when you left Holmgard harbour: 'There is evil treachery at work when the enemy already has plans afoot to thwart your quest.'

An hour has nearly passed when your thoughts are disturbed by a knock at the door. It is the innkeeper and he is carrying a tray of hot food.

'With the compliments of one of your friends,' he says, and leaves before you can ask which one. The food smells most appetizing. You have not eaten today and now you must eat a Meal or lose 3 ENDURANCE points.

If you have the Kai Discipline of Hunting, turn to 290.

If you wish to eat the hot food put before you, turn to 36.

If you do not want to eat this food, turn to 178.

One of these people tried to kill us, so no way are we eating that food. We can smoke the laumspur we picked instead.

Although the delicious smell of the food is making your mouth water, you suspect that something is very wrong. You set the tray down by the door. Your hunger has made you tired, and you decide to take a short nap before meeting the others in the bar.

When you awake, you see the bodies of two dead rats lying beside the food tray--they have been poisoned. The shock soon turns to anger when you realize that the poison was in the food intended for you.

You grab your equipment and leave the room, intent on discovering your would-be assassin.

Turn to 200.

By the time you reach the bar, the others are all seated at a large table awaiting your appearance. Drawing closer to the table, you realize you have found your would-be assassin. You will have to attack without giving any warning to your enemy, so study your fellow travellers carefully and then make your decision.

If you wish to attack the Knight of the White Mountain called Dorier, turn to 7.

If you wish to attack the merchant called Halvorc, turn to 60.

If you wish to attack the adventuress called Viveka, turn to 85.

If you with to attack the priest called Parsion, turn to 158.

If you wish to attack the Knight of the White Mountain called Ganon, turn to 270.

Well, here we are. We're going to lop someone's head off. Who's it going to be, people?

We'll See You on the Dark Side of the Moon

2008-09-16T19:52:00.004-04:00

Richard Wright, who played keyboards and was an important creative force for Pink Floyd, died today of cancer at age 65. I'm a huge Pink Floyd fan, and though the band is long since broken up, it's always sad to see a talented artist go. Wright also contributed vocals occasionally (give Wearing the Inside Out a listen.) He had been playing with former Floyd frontman David Gilmour. I highly recommend Gilmour's concert DVD "Remember that Night" to any of you fellow Floyd fans out there.

So long, Richard.

Go on and shine.

Lone Wolf: Extended Edition

2008-09-15T10:39:00.006-04:00

He is a mountain of a man, completely bald and with large gold rings hanging from each ear. He looks at you suspiciously and says, 'Ale is one Gold Crown, a bed for the night is two. Which do you want?'

If you wish to buy some ale, pay the innkeeper 1 Gold Crown and turn to 72.

If you wish to stay here for the night, pay the man 2 Gold Crowns and turn to 56.

If you want neither, but merely wish to ask him a little bit about Ragadorn, turn to 226.

I say we just start with a drink and see what happens...

The innkeeper speaks with the gruff tone of a native Ragadornian. You discover from him that this seaport is ruled by Lachlan, son of Killean the Overlord who died three years ago of the dreadful Red Death plague. The innkeeper does not speak highly of Lachlan, whom he calls the 'Prince of Thieves'.

'He and his mercenaries bleed the people dry with heavy taxes, and if y'complain, you end up in the harbour with a dagger in your back.' The big man shakes his head and pours another round of ale for the drunken sailors.

If you wish to buy a room for the night pay the innkeeper 2 Gold Crowns and turn to 56.

If you wish to try your luck at winning some Gold Crowns at arm-wrestling, turn to 276.

Wait, where's the 'If you'd like to go and murder those fuckers over their buying booze with YOUR money, turn to page blahblahblah' option? Um, I guess we'll go the Over the Top route here.

A grim-looking sailor is challenging all-comers to an arm-wrestling contest. He is so confident of winning that he will pay 5 Gold Crowns to anyone who beats him. As you approach his table, a serving girl whispers in your ear, 'Be careful stranger, he is an evil man. He breaks the arms of those who lose, and murders any who beat him.'

As you face the sailor across the table, bets are made throughout the tavern.

If you have the Kai Discipline of Mindblast, turn to 14.

Now we're talking!

As the contest begins, you use your Kai Discipline to weaken your opponent's concentration. Beads of sweat stand out on his forehead and his eyes gradually close as he withers under your relentless Mindblast. In less than a minute he has collapsed to the floor completely unconscious. His head also explodes.

Turn to 305.

There is a shocked silence as you scoop up the 5 Gold Crowns from the table and turn to leave, but as you reach the tavern door, an ugly thug draws his sword and blocks your exit. Just as you are wondering what to do, there is a loud thud, and the man keels over onto the floor. Behind him, to your surprise stands the serving girl with a large wooden club in her hand. You thank her politely and race out of the door into the darkened street beyond. You also decide to denouce your gayity from the last book and make mad, passionate love to her, making every combat skill check and every endurance check along the way.

After running for ten minutes in the dark, you spot a large stable and coach station through the gloom ahead. With the shouts of angry sailors still ringing in your ears, you quickly enter the building and spend the night safely hidden in the hay-loft.

I'm disappointed that we were denied the chance to retrieve Big Gem that Burned Us back from those asshats, but I guess nailing the barmaid is a good consolation prize.

Turn to 32.

You awake at dawn to the sound of a shrill cockcrow. You can see the crooked streets of Ragadorn through a veil of heavy rain beating down on the cobblestones outside. It has been six days since you left Holmgard and you are still 200 miles from Port Bax.

You are in the loft of a very large coach station. A group of green-clad men have arrived and have started to clean out one of the coaches. You overhear one of them say that the coach leaves for Port Bax at one o'clock this afternoon and that the journey will take seven days.

You are hungry and must eat a Meal here or lose 3 ENDURANCE points.

Again with the meals? We've been through a book and a half, and I don't think we've encountered a single meal. We are indeed a tough Cheeseburger.

After the Meal, if you decide to approach the coachmen and ask to buy a ticket for the journey to Port Bax, turn to 136.

If you would rather descend the ladder to the street outside,turn to 238.

Buy the ticket, take the ride.

'The fare to Port Bax is 20 Gold Crowns,' says the coachman in a gruff Ragadornian accent.

If you have 20 Gold Crowns and wish to purchase a ticket,turn to 10.

If you do not have enough money for the fare, turn to 238.

Pisshole! We're about 12 gold crowns shy.

Opposite the coach station is a narrow street leading to a gaming-house with a sign outside.

No Weapons Allowed Inside

You are excited by the chance of being able to win some gold and you quickly enter. Any Weapons you may have must be left with a guard at the door. You can recover your Weapons when you decide to leave. You are given a silver token worth 1 Gold Crown, that can only be used in this gaming-house

The entrance hall opens out into a huge room where many gambling games are in progress. One that catches your eye is called 'Cartwheel'. At one end of a long table, an attractive young woman spins a black dish divided into ten sections marked 0-9. As the dish spins, she drops a small silver ball into it which eventually comes to rest in one of the numbered sections. Several merchants are seated around the table and they are betting heavily on the fall of the silver ball.

To play 'Cartwheel', you must first decide the number you would like to bet on and just how many Gold Crowns you would like to stake. Make a note of these numbers and then roll that greed d10 on your desk. If you pick exactly the same number, you win 8 Gold Crowns for every 1 Gold Crown that you gamble. If the number you pick is immediately before or after the correct choice, you win 5 Gold Crowns for every 1 Gold Crown that you stake. There is a limit to how much you can win on this table: 40 Gold Crowns.

You may play as many rounds of 'Cartwheel' as you wish until either you lose all your Gold Crowns or you decide to pick up your winnings (maximum of 40 Gold Crowns).

If you have lost all your Gold Crowns, turn to 169.

If you have winnings to collect, or if you wish to withdraw with what money you have left, leave the building and turn to 186.

Let's take our 9 gold crowns and do some gambling. Feel free to picture it in your head.

After a few rolls, we're up to 21 gold. The smart move is to walk away. After all, you can't lose what you don't bet. But you can't win much either.

A few rolls later we're at 35 gold. Time to catch that bus to Port Bax.

You pocket the ticket and the man takes you to a coach that is waiting near the east gate of the seaport. It is empty and you take a seat near one of its circular windows. You are relieved to find that the seat is quite comfortable, for the journey to Port Bax will take seven days.

Stowing your equipment beneath the seat, you settle back in comfort and doze off.

When you awake, there are five other passengers and the journey to Durenor has already begun.

Roll a d10.

If the number you have picked is 0-3, turn to 51.

If the number you have picked is 4-6, turn to 195.

If the number you have picked is 7-9, turn to 339.

I roll a 1.

After nearly an hour, the coach stops at the shrine of Kalanane. It is said that this shrine is built upon the grave of King Alin, the first ruler of Durenor, and all around the shrine grow clumps of Laumspur.

If you wish to pick some of this herb, turn to 103.

If you do not, return to the coach by turning to 249.

Laumspur growing wild.

Laumspur? Gee, maybe it's a healing herb. Or a hallucinogenic. Let's get some!

Laumspur is a delicious herb, much sought after in the Lastlands for its healing properties. You have picked enough for one Meal. Eating this meal will restore 3 ENDURANCE points to your total. You wrap the herb up, and return to the coach with the other passengers.

Turn to 249.

During the course of the afternoon's journey, you chat with your fellow travellers and learn about their backgrounds.

Sitting opposite are two brothers named Ganon and Dorier. They are knights in the Order of the White Mountain, warrior lords of Durenor who have pledged allegiance to protect the country from raids by the bandits of the Wildlands. They own a castle and land near Port Bax. Next to them sits Halvorc the merchant. His nose is swollen and his face is badly bruised thanks to Lachlan, the Overlord of Ragadorn. A little misunderstanding about port taxes lost him his cargo and most of his gold. Seated by the far door is a priest called Parsion. Like you, he is a Sommlending who has journeyed across the Wildlands by coach on his way to Port Bax. Beside you sits a young woman called Viveka. She is a mercenary adventuress who earns her gold by fighting for it, and sells her services to the highest bidder. She is returning to Port Bax having collected payment for a successful adventure in Ragadorn.

Not wishing to reveal your true identity, you have pretended to be a simple peasant. The travellers seem unaware of the war that now rages in Sommerlund.

Turn to 39.

At dusk the coach stops at an inn on the coast road to Port Bax. The cost of a room for the night is 1 Gold Crown for coach passengers and 3 Gold Crowns for anyone else. As you are about to enter, the coach driver demands to see your ticket.

If you have a ticket for the journey to Port Bax,turn to 346.

If you do not have a ticket, turn to 156.

The driver nods and hands back the ticket. The inn is warm but poorly furnished. You must eat a Meal here which will cost you 1 Gold Crown unless you have a Meal in your Backpack.

The Kai Discipline of Hunting cannot be used on your journey through the Wildlands, as it is a barren wasteland inhabited only by creatures called Szalls, a weak and cowardly breed of Giak.

If you can afford the 1 Gold Crown for the room, turn to 280.

If you have no money, turn to 205.

You sleep deeply without being disturbed before rising at dawn, gathering your equipment and joining the others as they board the coach.

For two days and nights, the coach follows the trade route across the flat, treeless Wildlands. It stops only to allow the driver to sleep. But on the morning of the ninth day of your quest, there is an unfortunate accident.

Roll a d10. Preferably a green one.

If the number you have picked is 0-4,turn to 2.

If the number you have picked is 5-9, turn to 108.

It's a 4.

What does that mean? What happens now? Seriously, this is getting to be simply too much information to put into one post. This is one of my favorite sections of the Lone Wolf books, but there aren't a lot of choices to be made at the moment. So feel free to read this, comment as you see fit, and emotionally prepare yourself for the make-believe trials that lie ahead. I'll post the follow up in a couple of days.

Lone Wolf: You Got a Fight Comin'

2008-09-12T22:21:00.004-04:00

Let's go get these guys.

There are many ships of all sizes and nationalities moored on this side of the harbour. The River Dorn, which divides the city of Ragadorn, is always busy.

You are about to give up your search, when you spot the thieves' fishing boat. There is nobody aboard, but a thorough search of the cabin reveals a Mace and 3 Gold Crowns hidden inside a folded hammock. The hammock bears a label that reads:

North Star Tavern--Barnacle Street

You take the Mace and Crowns and return to Stonepost Square.

If you choose to go east along Barnacle Street turn to 215.

Do we really need other choices? No. Fuck other choices. We're heading for Barnacle Street.

Thirty yards along on the left side of the street, you hear the sound of merriment drifting out of a large ramshackle building. There is a creaking sign above the door.

If you want to enter the tavern, turn to 4.

Again, other choices are dumb. Our Cheeseburger is fight!

The tavern is full of brigands and drunks, the good-for-nothing crews of trading ships moored at the jetty, all singing and drinking while some try their strength at arm-wrestling. All are so engrossed that nobody notices you enter. In a far corner, you see the fishermen that robbed you. They are seated at a round table covered with empty ale tankards. You know that if you are to reach Durenor in time, you must retrieve the Seal of Hammerdal, Big Gem that Burned Us, and your gold.

If you wish to confront the fishermen, turn to 104.

If you wish to talk to the innkeeper at the bar, turn to 342.

If you wish to try and win some Gold Crowns at arm-wrestling, turn to 276.

Decisions, decisions. All of these are appealing in different ways. Confronting them is appealing because we could Mindblast them and explode their heads. And presumably get our stuff back. Though talking to the innkeeper first might be wise, if only to tell him to find a bucket and mop. And well, arm-wrestling for cash, stupid as it would be to draw unwanted attention to ourselves, would be pretty awesome.

Please think for me, I can't bear to.

Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

2008-09-04T13:25:00.004-04:00

Today I would like to bid farewell to a football player.

Bye bye to Daunte Culpepper.

You see, several years ago, Daunte was on my fantasy football team. He was among the best in quarterback players back then.

Then, the following year, I drafted him as my #1 draft pick. Then he sank into the depths of hell.

I won't miss you Daunte.

http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/8524404?MSNHPHMA

Lone Wolf: Swimming is Bullshit

2008-09-03T11:08:00.003-04:00

You desperately wave your Kai cloak above your head until you are near to exhaustion.

Roll a d10 and find out if the fucker sees you.

On a 0-6, turn to 41.
On a 7-9, turn to 180.

I roll a 4, and I'll bet that means I'm in luck!

You are in luck, for the boat has seen your distress signal and is heading towards you. It is a small fishing boat from the port of Ragadorn. The fishermen are a rough-looking bunch, but they wrap you in a warm blanket and offer you some food. The captain suggests that you sleep, as it will be two or three hours before they arrive back in Ragadorn.

If you wish to take his advice, restore 1 ENDURANCE point and turn to 194.

If you prefer to stay awake and keep watch for any other survivors of the storm, turn to 251.

Fuck sleep! Ain't no party like a fishermen stranger party 'cause a fishermen stranger party don't stop!

It is nearly dark when the small fishing boat passes through the harbour entrance of Ragadorn. You have still seen no sign of survivors from the storm and you fear the worst.

You notice that three of the fishermen are acting very suspiciously. They whisper to each other and their eyes often glance at your money pouch. As the boat sails into the estuary of the River Dorn, they surround you and demand that you hand over all your gold. You are about to fight them when an unexpected blow from behind knocks you to the deck. You see one of the fishermen raise his foot. As it strikes your head, suddenly everything fades into darkness.

Turn to 194.

When you awake, you are shocked to find yourself lying beneath a wooden jetty, and the shallow water surrounding you fills your nostrils with a foul stench. As you stand, your head throbs violently as if you had been knocked unconscious. This is exactly what has happened to you, and your Gold, your Backpack, your Weapons and all your Special Items (including the Seal of Hammerdal) have been stolen by the fishermen.

Big Gem that Burned Us is gone?!? NO!!!!

With a groan of despair, you climb out of the slimy water and pull yourself onto the jetty. Looking up you see a faded sign.

Welcome to Ragadorn

You fear the rumours about this place are true. It is nearly dark and it has started to rain. You must find the Seal if you are to persuade the Durenese to give you the Sommerswerd. Looking round, you see a large market square with a stone signpost in the centre, indicating the various roads that lead off the square.

If you wish to go east along Barnacle Street, turn to 215.

If you wish to go south along Westbank Wharf, turn to 303.

If you wish to go north along Booty Walk, turn to 129.

If you would rather go west back to the jetty, and search for the fishing boat, turn to 86.

Which way to go, people? Booty Walk? Come on!

Lone Wolf: It Takes a Thief

2008-08-27T16:49:00.004-04:00

Keeping one eye on the door, you quickly search the drawers of an ornate chart table. There does not appear to be anything unusual about the contents. You find mainly charts, island maps and navigational instruments. You are about to abandon this fruitless search when you notice a small lever hidden below the tabletop. You push it and a panel flips open to reveal a small wooden box with a brass lock. If you have the Kai Discipline of Mind Over Matter, turn to 287.

If you wish to prise open the lock, turn to 190.

If you wish to replace the box and join the captain on deck, before he suspects something is wrong, turn to 175.

I'm certain that we have ample time to rifle through his desk, find a lockbox, pick the lock, take the contents and replace it before he realizes we aren't following him up the ladder. Let's do this!

Using the edge of a steel rule to prise open the lock, you suddenly feel a sharp pain in your chest. A cunning trap has been laid, and as you open the box, a small needle shoots out and embeds itself in your flesh. It is tipped with a deadly poison. You die instantly.

Your mission and your life come to a tragic end here.

Score!

I've suddenly decided to Do The Right Thing.

It seems our bird has flown,' says the captain, pointing to a longboat moving swiftly towards another ship on the horizon. 'She flies no flag, and her hull is of a strange shape. I've ne'er before seen the like.'

You watch as the longboat reaches the mysterious ship. As if by magic a sea fog appears from nowhere and engulfs the vessel. Moments later, both the ship and the fog have disappeared.

If the number you have picked is 0-4, turn to 53.

If the number you have picked is 5-9, turn to 209.

The die shows an 8.

The crew start to whisper. You hear the words 'ghost-ship' and 'cursed voyage', but the muttering stops when the captain's voice booms out an order for all hands on deck. Only the creaking of the timbers can be heard as Captain Kelman climbs to the rear deck to address the crew.

'Men, we're three days' sail from Port Bax. The fire has robbed us of our provisions and our freshwater has been fouled. We shall have to steer a new course for Ragadorn, where we shall make good our repairs and replenish our stores. That is all.'

The crew seem pleased by the captain's announcement, and set about their duties with renewed vigour.

Then the captain turns to you. 'We're about eight hours from Ragadorn, my lord. My orders are to see you safely to Port Bax and pass you into the care of the Sommlending consul, Lord-lieutenant Rhygar. But time is not our ally and I fear the repairs may take a week or more to complete. When we drop anchor, you will have to find your own route to Durenor--by sea with us or alone by the coast road.'

As you return to your cabin, the King's words haunt your thoughts: 'Forty days, Cheeseburger. We only have strength to stand against them for forty days.' You do not have long to complete your dangerous mission.

Turn to 197.

As dawn breaks, a fierce storm rises and you are woken by the violent rocking of the ship. The floor of your cabin is awash, and the shouts of the crew can hardly be heard above the howling wind. You quickly dress, gather up your equipment and make your way to the deck.

You are soon joined by the captain, who takes hold of your arm and orders you to return to your cabin. Suddenly, as you start to go down, there is a thunderous crack as, high in the rigging, part of the mast snaps. You look up to see the shattered pole falling towards you.

Roll a d10.

If the number you have picked is 1-4, turn to 78.

If the number you have picked is 5-9, turn to 141.

If the number you have picked is 0, turn to 247.

The green d10 says 3.

You dive backwards, but only just in time to avoid the falling mast as it smashes straight through the deck. You stagger upright and peer into the mass of shattered timbers. Pinned beneath the broken mast is the lifeless body of Captain Kelman.

As you stare in horror, a loud crack fills the air as the storm breaks open the already damaged hull of the Green Sceptre. As the ship breaks up you are hurled over the side and into the raging sea.

Gasping for air, you claw your way up to the surface but strike your head on a hatch cover. Lose 1 ENDURANCE point and pull yourself onto this makeshift raft. If you are wearing a Chainmail Waistcoat, you must discard this now or risk drowning. In the grey light of the storm, you watch as the broken ship sinks beneath the heaving sea. You are feeling dizzy and very sick. Hanging on to the cover with all your strength, you gradually slip into unconsciousness.

When you eventually awake, the storm has passed. The only trace of the Green Sceptre is the hatch cover on which you lie. By the position of the sun you suppose it to be late afternoon. In the distance, you can see a small fishing boat and beyond it, the coastline stretches out along the horizon.

If you wish to use your cloak to try to signal to the fishing boat, turn to 278.

If you want to ignore the boat and paddle towards the shore instead, turn to 337.

Luckily we had the foresight to never get chainmail. So what's it gonna be? Swim for shore or flag down the fishing boat?

Lone Wolf: En Fuego!

2008-08-20T11:07:00.003-04:00

You release the lock and slide back the hatch cover. The sudden draught of air causes flames to billow out of the hold. You stumble backwards, clutching your burnt face. Lose 2 ENDURANCE

points.

'Fire! Fire!' the cry goes up.

In panic the crew fight to put out the flames. It takes over an hour to control the blaze. The damage is considerable--the entire store of food and fresh water was in that hold, and the fire has completely ruined both, as well as weakened the structure of the ship.

As you stand surveying the wreckage, the captain approaches you, his face blackened by the smoke. He is carrying something in a bundle under his arm. 'We must talk in private, my lord,' he says quietly.

Without replying, you turn and follow him below to his cabin.

Turn to 222.

Our Cheeseburger is well done. LOL!!1

After taking care to close his door, the captain opens the mysterious bundle and tips the contents onto his cabin table. A large charred earthenware jug and several blackened rags drop in a heap. They give off a strange oily smell.

Prettiest man I ever saw...

This was no accidental fire,' he says solemnly. 'This was an act of sabotage. The forward hold is a food store yet I find this oil jug and these soaked rags upon the floor. Someone on this ship is prepared to risk his life to stop us reaching Durenor.'

You both stare at the burnt rags as if they hold the answer to your questions. Suddenly a cry from up on deck breaks the silence.

'Ship Ahoy! Ship off the port bow!'

Grabbing his sword and telescope, the captain disappears through the door and up the ladder to the deck above.

If you wish to follow him, turn to 175.

If you would rather make a quick search of his cabin, turn to 315.

Well, well. Would filching from his cabin make us a bad Cheeseburger? Then again, we are out to save the world, which means we have a greater need of anything in here than he does. What to do?

flashback

2008-08-18T20:53:00.001-04:00

on one of the many spiderwebs that circle my mind, this came up today. so.... i figured id force it upon everyone else.

http://grandpooofcastpost.castpost.com/400048.html

Lone Wolf: Seafaring Edition

2008-08-10T20:57:00.003-04:00

We made the decision to be seamen.

As you paddle towards the sleek trade caravel, you notice to your surprise that the boarding ladder is being pulled up. A mean-looking sailor leans over the gunwale and curses at you. He seems to think that you are a refugee trying to stowaway on board. But when you shout that you are Lone Wolf and you were ambushed by an impostor at the tavern, the ladder is soon lowered again. As you climb over the side of the ship, you are met by a tall man in a gold-braided uniform. His face is almost totally covered by a shock of bright red hair and a bright red beard.

'Haul anchor!' he booms. The crew spring into action as if their very lives depended on it.

The captain ushers you below to his cabin where he pours two glasses of wanlo, a strong spirit. His face shows concern as you tell him what has happened.

'There is evil treachery at work and the enemy already has plans afoot to thwart your quest,' he begins when you've told your tale. 'It seems that you have lost the element of surprise--and I have lost a courageous first mate. Let us only hope that the voyage to Durenor be swift and safe.'

You leave him to go up on deck just in time to see the outline of Holmgard on the horizon. With mixed feelings of pride and apprehension, you descend the stairway to your cabin as the last spire of the capital disappears from view.

Roll a d10.

If the number that you have picked is 0-1, turn to 224.
If the number that you have picked is 2-3, turn to 316.
If the number that you have picked is 4-5, turn to 81.
If the number that you have picked is 6-7, turn to 22.
If the number that you have picked is 8-9, turn to 99.

I roll a 7.

In the morning you are awoken by the cry of the deck watchman: 'Wreckage off the starboard bow!'

Quickly dressing, you climb up on deck and join the captain at the rail.

Roll a d10.

If the number you have picked is 0-4, turn to 119.

If the number you have picked is 5-9,turn to 341.

I roll a 4.

Shattered beams, pieces of planking and torn sails litter the white-flecked waves. It is all that remains of a merchant ship. But then suddenly you notice a body clinging to a broken hatch cover. A rope ladder is quickly lowered and the poor man is brought aboard.

'Pirates!' is all he says before collapsing to the deck. The man is wrapped in a large blanket and taken below. He has suffered many wounds and is close to death.

'This crime bears the mark of the Lakuri pirates,' the captain confides in you, 'but it is unusual to run across them in these waters. They must be in search of a rich cargo to sail so far from their tropical islands.'

As the ship resumes its course for Durenor, you cannot help but wonder if that 'rich cargo' is you. Cheeseburgers are, after all, quite rare in this part of the world. Especially recently-turned homosexual ones.

Turn to 240.

After three uneventful days at sea, you find shipboard life rather dreary. If you have the Kai Discipline of Healing, any ENDURANCE points that you may have lost on your adventure so far are restored. This will bring your ENDURANCE points score back to your original one. If you do not possess the skill, restore half of any points you have lost in combat.

On the afternoon of the fourth day, you are talking with an injured sailor up on deck when you smell smoke seeping from the hold.

If you wish to enter the hold, turn to 29.

If you wish to shout 'Fire!' turn to 236.

If you wish to warn the captain, turn to 101.

So are we bold, smart, both or neither?

An Ode to Holy Bolt

2008-08-07T09:32:00.005-04:00

Holy Bolt. These two words invoke fond memories of afternoons spent crawling through the dungeons of Tristram with Jimbob, battling Diablo's hordes of evil minions. It also brings out a small snicker. Jimbob and I are both blasphemous fans of stupid things, so a spell called Holy Bolt in our demonic, dungeon crawling hack and slash game was too good to be true.

Holy Bolt did it all: it did damage to any undead creature struck with it, and it healed your ally if you shot them with it. Actually, I guess it didn't do it all. After all, it's hard to justify sitting back and spending your mana shooting radioactivie crucifixes at the bad guys when just walking up and smacking them is usually quicker. Likewise, if your partner is getting their ass kicked, Holy Bolting them is probably the least efficient, least helpful thing you could do.

I don't mean this to suggest that Holy Bolt is useless, far from it. It makes this big "foom! foom!" sort of sound as well as providing a light source along the path. This is the only skill in the Diablo games that is only good for entertainment value.

Speaking of blasphemy and comedy, look at this.

To be fair, I've never really used Holy Bolt in Diablo 2. So I loaded up the game and logged in with Old_Whitey, my lvl 16 paladin. I went down into the sewers of act II, aimed my lvl 1 holy bolt at a bunch skeletons and was once again underwhelmed. I'm sure if I focused the character on Holy Bolt it would wind up being a kick-ass spell. Against undead. And useless against everything else. Still, a Holy Bolt paladin - a Boltadin, if you will, is intriguing to me. It reminds me, for some reason, of Jimbob's Cold Snap Magic deck.

So hear's to you, Holy Bolt! You're dumb, but you make me laugh.

Fin.

Lone Wolf: Mindblast Edition

2008-08-05T10:50:00.006-04:00

We finally get to use Mindblast, even if it's only as a parlor trick. It's gonna be good.

Looking directly into the sailor's eyes, you concentrate your Mindblast at his open hand. Suddenly the man falls backwards from his chair, clutching his hand as if he had just picked up a red-hot coal. When you explain what has happened to him, he looks at you in amazement.

Turn to 268.

Wait....what? We've been storing up all of our mental energies so we could mindblast this guy's hand? Let me make a few adjustments to the above passage for us....

Looking directly into the sailor's eyes, you concentrate your Mindblast at his brain. Suddenly the man falls backwards from his chair and begins to scream. Staring at you with panicked, terrified eyes he shouts "What's happening to me? Dear god what are you doing to me?" The man clutches his head and continues to howl with pain and fear. The screams are abruptly silenced by a sickening, wet popping sound. The walls, table and your Kai master cloak are now coverted in blood, brain and little bits of skull. You imagine the effect would have been similar had there been a hand grenade inside the man's skull.

Much better.

'You are indeed a Kai Lord,' says the sailor, but the astonishment on his face quickly changes to an unpleasant sneer.

'Or should I say you were!'

Sweet jesus it's alive! It's The Humongous! Look at that codpiece! Let me see if I can find some more appropriate pictures.

Holy genitals! These pirates are mencaing indeed!

It's alive! By the nine hells, run!

As he speaks, a door crashes open behind you and you turn to see three harbour thugs advancing towards you. Each is armed with a scimitar and codpiece. You have no choice but to fight all three as one enemy.

Harbour Thug, David Bowie and Couch's Codpiece: COMBAT SKILL 16 ENDURANCE 25

You may evade after two rounds of combat by running through a side door. Turn to 125.

If you win this combat, turn to 333.

Evade? Fuck that. Between our Mindblast (finally) and our short sword of questionable origin our combat skill is 17, Endurance 29. I believe this is the first time we're on the positive side of the combat skill table, with a cool +1. Our Cheeseburger is fight!

- I start off with a 9. We are unable or unwilling to stop laughing at David Bowie's hair and testicular area. He takes 12 humiliation damage. His cohorts are laughing as well. We take no damage. Harbour Thug, David Bowie and Couch's Codpiece: ENDURANCE 13. Cheeseburger: ENDURANCE 29.

- It's a 7. We stab him in the face with our short sword for 10 damage. He also stabs us in the face, but it turns out his weapon is actually one of those cheap plastic scimitars from the dollar store you had when you dressed up like a pirate for Halloween that one year. We take 1 damage. Harbour Thug, David Bowie and Couch's Codpiece: ENDURANCE 3. Cheeseburger: ENDURANCE 28.

- I roll a 1. David Bowie begins singing that Magic Dance song from Labyrinth, and the area is suddenly overrun by dancing muppets. Everyone in the area takes damage, this is not unlike setting off a bomb in the room. We take 5 damage. Harbour Thug, David Bowie and Couch's Codpiece are defeated. Cheeseburger endurance: 23.

The sailor who claimed to be First Mate Ronan seems to have escaped during the fight. You quickly search the bodies of the harbour thugs, but find nothing of value. However, you do notice that each of them has a tattoo of a serpent on their left wrist. Whoever sent them to kill you must already know of the importance of your quest.

You leave the tavern by the side door and discover the dead body of a sailor lying beneath some stairs. Inside the collar of his bloodstained jacket is a tag bearing the name 'Ronan'. This must be the real Ronan. He has been murdered. You cover the body and turn towards the quay, where the Green Sceptre is anchored about three hundred yards from the harbour wall.

If you wish to use one of the many small boats or coracles that are roped to the quayside, turn to 300.

If you wish to hunt down the impostor who pretended to be Ronan, turn to 67.

Decision making time! Do we get to our boat or chase down the impostor?

Choose Your Own Adventure

2008-08-03T10:02:00.002-04:00

I found a flash-based game called Alter Ego. You can give it a try here. It's sort of like a choose-your-own-adventure about life. You start out as an infant and (if you're lucky) grow to old age. And die. Give it a try!

Lone Wolf: Job Interview

2008-08-02T12:46:00.003-04:00

'Forgive me my lord, I did not mean to startle you.' The man seems nervous, and the open hand that is extended towards you is shaking quite visibly.

With some caution you accept the gesture of friendship, and sit with the man at a tavern table. The place is deserted save for a couple of mice gnawing at a large chunk of cheese.

'Captain Kelman has instructed me to take you to the Green Sceptre, but only if I am sure that you are the Kai Lord they call Cheeseburger. Can you prove your identity?' You decide you must show your mastery of one of your Kai Disciplines.

If you wish to demonstrate your Kai Discipline of Healing, turn to 16.

If you wish to demonstrate your Kai Discipline of Mindblast, turn to 133.

If you wish to demonstrate your Kai Discipline of Weaponskill, turn to 255.

If you wish to demonstrate your Kai Discipline of Animal Kinship, turn to 203.

If you wish to demonstrate your Kai Discipline of Mind over Matter, turn to 48.

If you do not possess any of the above Kai skills, or if you do not wish to demonstrate your skill, turn to 348.

Wow! Well, you know my feelings on the matter I'm sure. What should we do to blow this guy's mind?

Lone Wolf: Fire on the Water

2008-07-29T20:07:00.004-04:00

The Story So Far . . .

In the northern land of Sommerlund, it has been the custom for many centuries to send the children of the Warrior Lords to the monastery of Kai. There they are taught the skills and disciplines of their noble fathers.

In olden times, during the Age of the Black Moon, the Darklords waged war on Sommerlund. The conflict was a long and bitter trial of strength that ended in victory for the Sommlending at the great battle of Maakengorge. King Ulnar and the allies of Durenor broke the Darklord armies at the pass of Moytura and forced them back into the bottomless abyss of Maakengorge. Vashna, mightiest of the Darklords, was slain upon the sword of King Ulnar, called 'Sommerswerd', the sword of the sun. Since that age, the Darklords have vowed vengeance upon Sommerlund and the House of Ulnar.

You are Cheeseburger, a young Kai initiate who was learning the secret skills of the Kai Lords. Two days ago, your peaceful country was plunged into war when a vast Darklord army suddenly invaded Sommerlund and completely destroyed the Kai Monastery. All the Kai Lords were in attendance for the feast of Fehmarn, and all were killed as the monastery was surrounded and destroyed, the walls collapsing in on the assembled company. You, the only Kai Lord to survive the massacre, vowed then to avenge their deaths. You knew your first task had to be to warn the King, for without the Kai Lords to lead her armies, your country, Sommerlund, would be unable to mobilize in time to drive the Darklords back.

Your journey to the capital was perilous indeed. The enemy had overrun much of the country and were marching upon Holmgard, the capital itself. You experienced both love and loss, there is a hole in your heart where Paradise, Back to the Future, and Back to the Future II once lived. But despite the many dangers, you fought your way through to the capital and delivered your warning to the King's court. There you were greatly praised for your skill and bravery but told your mission was not complete: with the Kai Lords dead, there remained only one power in all of Magnamund that could save your people from the Darklords--the Sommerswerd.

After the defeat of Vashna, the Sommerswerd had been bestowed upon the allies of Durenor as a mark of trust and allegiance that exists between the two kingdoms. In return, King Alin of Durenor gave Sommerlund a magnificent golden ring bearing the royal arms of Durenor. This ring is known as the Seal of Hammerdal. At that time, King Alin vowed that if ever the shadow of the west should rise again to threaten Sommerlund, Durenor would come to the aid of her ally.

The King has given you the Seal of Hammerdal. Your quest is to travel to Durenor to fetch the Sommerswerd back. But meanwhile the enemy have broken through the outer defences to the capital and are preparing to besiege the city wall. As Captain D'Val of the King's Guard leads you to the Royal Armoury to equip you for your mission, the King's words keep coming back to you:

'Forty days, Cheeseburger. We have strength to stand against them for only forty days.'

Our skills and equipment carry over from the first book, plus we get a new skill. We kind of agreed that Tracking is pretty good, so we'll get Tracking. We're Trackers now. We Track. Trackers is what we are.

And we're off!

Captain D'Val and his guards escort you to the citadel gate where a small covered wagon awaits you. As soon as you clamber in, the gates are thrown open and you are hurried away through the crowded streets of Holmgard. After a short but uncomfortable journey, the wagon stops and the driver pulls open the canvas flap.

'This is the quay, my lord. There is your ship, the Green Sceptre.' As he speaks the driver points across the quay to a sleek trade caravel anchored near to the harbour wall.

'The first mate's name is Ronan. You will find him waiting for you across the square at the Good Cheer Inn.' Then the driver bids you farewell and quickly disappears into the teeming crowds.

You reach the inn to find the front doors locked and the window shutters barred. You are trying to decide what to do next when a hand grabs your arm and you are pulled into the darkness.

If you wish to draw your weapon and attack your unknown assailant, turn to 273.

If you wish to try and pull free of his grasp, turn to 160.

Action! Let's stab this guy in the face! Or yell "Let go, Fucker!" and pull our collective arm away. Then stab him in the face.