Helping kids cope and learn about the effects of bullying isn’t easy. But there are things you can do to make it easier for your child to understand how bullying makes another person feel.

The other day my son came home, laughing because he and a friend purple-nurpled (twisted the boobs) of another boy.  The boy in question got upset, went inside and my kid thought this was a laugh-riot which happened to spiral my anger out of control.

1.) Don’t yell. Yelling will get you nowhere and yelling is a form of bullying only verbal.  If you want your child’s attention then talk to them openly and honestly about their actions.

2.) Try to get your child to put the shoe on the other foot. It’s very easy for kids to over-look their actions because they don’t always know how the other person feels. Trying to get your kids to understand how they would feel if they were bullied will go a long way to stopping them from doing it.

3.) Help your kids find their remorse. Being sorry is the only thing you can feel after you hurt someone. You can’t go back and change your action, but you can be sorry and prevent those actions from repeating themselves.

I explained to my son how I felt about bullying. Coming from an abusive relationship with his father, my son understood as we talked about it. That bullying isn’t just physical. It can be mental and verbal.

My son felt bad for his actions and truly understood that had it been him (shoe on the other foot) he wouldn’t like it. He apologized to his friend for hurting him and they made up.

Bullying can lead to a serious issue. No mom likes to see her child get hurt, but especially no mother wants to see her child being the one doing the hurting.

Talking to your kids about their actions, what they do and think, making them responsible for their own behaviour no matter who is involved, will go a long way to helping them become strong, loving and caring adults.

Note: @shoelessmommy JJ is truly sorry for his behavior. I’m glad the boys worked things out. Just another notch on the parenting belt as we raise our teenage boys.

So it’s been a couple days since we got the diagnosis that our son does not have Asperger’s but early onset bipolar disorder, and things are now settling down.  The crying is done. The grieving for our son not having to go through a life of depression, the sadness and guilt that fled in that it was my fault I gave this to my precious angel.  It’s all over … said with … done!

The door to being upset is officially over – at least for now anyhow.

The past two days has taught me many things, not just about Trace but about myself as well.  And, I came to the realization that my son will have opportunities I never did with this early warning of this disorder in children.

I always knew I was different, right from the time I was a kid. I knew it because of how I felt.  Things were hard for me. I was so moody, always crying and emotional, always upset, thinking nobody loved me, nobody understood me, and so very alone.

It wasn’t my parents fault. They didn’t know. I wasn’t diagnosed with bipolar disorder until I was 22 years old.  That is the advantage Trace has. He’s only six and we know.  We can do things to help him through the ups and downs, the highs and lows.

Today I went in and had a meeting with Trace’s principal to catch her up to speed. She is so wonderful. She said at the start of next year with Trace’s new teacher for grade one, we will all sit down and get everyone on board for what Trace needs. That was such a relief to hear, and how much she understands.

Changes

There are some changes that are going to take place for our family. Nothing major because I want Trace’s life to be kept normal. As he grows and changes, so will the changes.  But in order for me to help my son I have some things to do.

A Mood Chart – One thing, I am going to start tracking Trace’s moods every day. Everything from his irritability, to how he was at school, and his teacher is going to do the same. I already have the print out ready for next year to photocopy and add to her journal. By keeping track I can help see any triggers for Trace that may affect his behaviour, like foods, lack of sleep, playing, interacting with others and so forth.

Here are some ideas we got from mental health for kids

• Learn and use good listening and communication skills.
• Prioritize issues (battles) and let go of less important matters.
• Practice and teach relaxation techniques to your child. Use music, sound, lighting, water, massage to help your child with falling asleep, waking up, and relaxing.
• Help your child anticipate, and avoid or prepare for, stressful situations by developing strategies in advance.
• Learn safe but firm restraint holds to contain rages.
• Advocate at school for stress reduction and other accommodations.
• Engage your child’s creativity through activities that express their gifts and strengths.
• Provide routine structure while allowing freedom within express limits.

With these few simple tasks I know things will get easier. They might not get better, but they will get easier. One day at a time is how we live.

Note:

We appreciate all the love and support we’ve gotten from everyone as we continue to share our journey through parenting, sharing our disabilities and our enjoyments with everyone. We love you!

Today was the day. Today we found out the final results from the Asperger’s Assessment done on Trace over the past four days.  Two years in waiting. Two years in wondering, if everything Child Development and doctors said were true. That indeed our son has Asperger’s Syndrome, a form of autism.

We got in to meet the specialist five minutes late. My heart was pounding. It had been all day, but I was keeping my composure, telling myself that no matter what. This changes nothing.  All it does is give us answers so we can proceed from there.

FD was as cool as a cucumber, as always. He deals with things as they come, a small gift from his brain injury I suppose.  Annoying, too.  I’m the one who worries more, who stresses and frets over things. But it comes with the territory being a person who has bipolar disorder and anxiety disorder.

What a pair we make.

But we weren’t here for us. We were here for Trace.  Trace – my beautiful six old angel, born with mild Cerebral Palsy.  Trace who has been struggling since birth, but achieved so much along the way.  It was now or never.

“Your son does not have Asperger’s Syndrome”

I heard the words come out of the doctors mouth, blinking a few times, my brain not really sure what to do or even say. I had a million questions running through my mind.  This was not an explanation – at least not the one I had hoped to hear.

Not that I wanted Trace to have Asperger’s. I just wanted to know what was wrong with him then, and I held my breath, waiting as the explanations came.

Trace has two brains.  His mind learns very quickly and processes information faster than most of us. His brain gathers the information, tries to understand it, gets frustrated when he can’t and then unleashes that frustration.

Trace has the early onset of bipolar disorder.

I sat in that chair listening, my mind screaming. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. What about his sensory issues? What about him not wanting to hug? What about all the quirky things he does? What about him seeing things as black or white? and all the other symptoms he has produced that led us to a pre-diagnosis of Asperger’s in the first place?

What about that?

Common symptoms of children with early onset of bipolar disorder are as follows:

• Separation anxiety
• Rages & explosive temper tantrums (lasting up to several hours)
• Marked irritability
• Oppositional behaviour
• Frequent mood swings
• Distractibility
• Hyperactivity
• Impulsivity
• Restlessness/ fidgetiness
• Silliness, goofiness, giddiness
• Racing thoughts
• Aggressive behaviour
• Grandiosity
• Carbohydrate cravings
• Risk-taking behaviour’s
• Depressed mood
• Lethargy
• Bed-wetting (especially in boys)
• Night terrors
• Rapid or pressured speech
• Obsessional behaviour
• Excessive daydreaming
• Compulsive behaviour
• Motor & vocal tics
• Learning disabilities
• Poor short-term memory
• Lack of organization
• Fascination with gore or morbid topics
• Hyper sexuality
• Manipulative behaviour
• Bossiness
• Lying
• Suicidal thoughts
• Destruction of property

OH! I see. Well that makes sense now.  It was like looking in a mirror. Everything I thought and felt growing up. The self-hatred, self loathing, compulsive behaviour, and the highs and lows emotionally all rolled into one big nut job that was me.

Great now my kid has a mental illness. That still didn’t explain the other things.

Trace also has Sensory Disorder. Meaning because of how his brain processes images and information so quickly, he is more sensitive to his surroundings. So he might notice a light is brighter than it is, or noise is louder than it really is. Clothes that don’t quite feel right, or food that should be a certain way.

Often I get parents who come to us seeking a diagnosis for Asperger’s showing all the symptoms or even some of the symptoms but it turns out that is the wrong diagnosis. I won’t give that to your son.

The doctor explained that Trace is extremely bright, engaging, he made eye contact, carried on great conversations, had wonderful gestures, was expressive, and even gave him a hug. He showed empathy, even though we don’t always see it, when asked if someone was hurt, Trace could put himself in that person’s shoes. And that is not typical of a child with Asperger’s.

So now what?  I am at my wits end.  How could I not see what was right in front of me.  And I knew it was my fault. I mean it’s genetic for crying out loud!  Why didn’t I see the signs?

Trace’s behaviour has always been an issue.  We’ve been told “He’s all boy. He will grow out of it.” Others suggested “Asperger’s or ADHD put him on medication.”  And even some “Can’t believe he talks the way he does sometimes or acts that way we need to take a firm hand with Trace.”

The doctor said …

80% of children diagnosed with bipolar disorder come from families with a history of mood disorders and/or alcoholism on both sides of the family.

I have bipolar disorder/ BPD / Anxiety Disorder and there is a history of alcoholism in my family. My mother has also suffered with depression.

FD has suffered with depression and has a brain injury. Trace’s brain injury (though mild) due to his CP also plays a part in this diagnosis.

So in other words Trace is a prime candidate for a mood disorder, and will need to be monitored regularly as he grows into a young man.

I have no words…

I can’t right now even begin to share with you what I’m feeling. My son has a mental illness, something I have battled my entire life. My heart is numb.

I will keep you posted and you know I will, most likely I will be having my break-down here on the blog when it actually hits me everything that happened today, what all the doctor said and how I feel about it.

As for Trace. Well his mommy still loves him. That will never change. Never ever ever.  I just don’t know where we go from here. I have lots to learn about and read about. 

Thanks for listening …

If you were ever a child that picked up a book and read at an early age. You know the story “Where the Wild Things Are.” a classic tale about a rebellious little boy and the adventure past his bedroom.

It’s by far one of my most favorite books.  I was thrilled with it! And have shared it with my kids.

For Maurice Sendak(author) his childhood was not something he enjoyed. And in all honesty he didn’t even really enjoy children, but he understood the importance of childhood, and that came across in his writings for children everywhere.

I was sad to find out Maurice Sendak died today at the age of 83 due to complications from a stroke he’d suffered.

Along with “Where the wild things are” Sendak also wrote “In The Night Kitchen” and “Outside Over There.” All part of a trilogy to the children’s classic.

The world will miss him! But his memory will continue to go on through his works and beautifully depicted illustrations. Read more on Maurice here.

Your hand doesn’t fit inside mine anymore.  And, I have to look up to you when I want to talk about something (you are much taller than me) now.  Your feet are huge!  You are now going out with friends, in groups, and after it gets dark, which worries me but I know I have to let you find your way.  You aren’t my little boy anymore.  But a man-child on your way to finding yourself.

So I have to tell you… thank you

• Thank you for being my son!
• Thanks you for saving me from a life of pain and abuse.
• Thank you for always making me smile.
• Thank you for being my tissue when I needed one.
• Thank you for always being honest with me about how you are feeling and what you are thinking.
• Thank you for showing me respect.
• Thank you for working so hard on your grades. We are so proud of you and all you have accomplished.
• Thank you for giving me something to cheer for. Man, I love watching you make a save during a hockey game. You are truly an amazing goalie!
• Thank you for being a good big-brother and great son.

I hope you have a great day with your friends, hanging out and we love you!  Happy Birthday JJ.

You know when I got married, there are just things I never thought I’d ever say to my husband.  And yet, somehow, when I’m not looking.  There they are. Things I find myself saying and thinking…

“God did I just say that?”

I wasn’t feeling good last night at all. Yesterday was Trace’s second Asperger’s assessment.  And, although it went well, it was very long. 2 1/2 hours of asking question after question, in order to get know our family history, Trace and how we feel as parents about our son.  I was completely drained when we got home.

I couldn’t sleep at all, and by the time eleven o’clock rolled around I was hurting and not feeling well. My stomach was upset, I felt sweaty and ill. I knew it was a panic attack. I just didn’t know why.

I tossed and turned until about 2am when I called out to FD to come to me.  I couldn’t stop crying.  He came and sat beside me as I blurted out everything I was feeling.

All my pain for Trace, my guilt for what he’d been through in his life and that I didn’t do more to protect him.

My fears of dying. I’m afraid of having a heart attack like my parents, dying and leaving this earth, leaving my kids and husband.

My fear of having sex with my husband because I’m not in great shape. I’m afraid of dying during intercourse. And I actually blurted out …

“The last thing I want is for the kids to know their mother died with stiffy inside of her!” OMG!

I was a little bit hysterical at this point.

FD listened, allowed me to cry and bawl and whine and shed my fears until my body grew numb.

I know why I have these fears. I know where they come from, how they manifested, and even what they mean. I just don’t know how to cope with them.

I told FD that I wanted to blog about it. I mean writing is like a solace for me, but that I was afraid others would think I just whine too much all the time. Sometimes readers can be mean and I just don’t want to deal with mean.

But in the end I am true to a part of myself that needs to put things down on paper, to get them out, to analyze them and try to figure things out.

And I came to one final conclusion.

I blame myself for my son’s condition.

I know that is selfish, I mean it’s not about me. It’s about him. But I do. I blame myself.

I blame myself for the thoughts I have when days are hard. When I stare at my beautiful six year old boy and think to myself…

“Why the hell can’t you just be normal?”  or “Where did I go so wrong you have to act like this?”  “Why can’t you eat a cookie after it has touched another cookie. It’s not dirty. It’s just a damn cookie!”

I blame myself for thinking I could done something to change things. I could have protected him better. It was my job. He was inside of me and it was my job, to make sure he was alright. He was healthy. He was happy.

Now I have a little boy who struggles to understand things. Who doesn’t feel loved a lot of the time. Who thinks everyone is against him. And I realized something today in that doctors office.

Trace is just like me.

I don’t know what to do with that. I don’t know where I will go from here. I know I have a lot more growing to do as a mom. I have growing to do as a woman and person, despite the fact I’m nearing 40.

One thing I do know is that I love my son. God how I love him and nothing that happens during the reading of the results is going to change things, except one.

I am not going to allow my son to grow up feeling as though he doesn’t matter or that he isn’t understood. Because I understand. More than I ever realized before. And I’m going to make sure that one way or the other.

Trace knows…

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Today was a long day.  We went into Langley to see the PED’s specialist, Dr. Bamber for the first part of Trace’s Asperger’s assessment, which was just tons of fun.

Trace was in rare form, bored out of his tree and making us all aware of it as the doctor asked him what kinds of things he liked doing in school.  He told her video games, the DSi and the iPhone and his Hot Wheels were among his favorite things to play with.  He told her he got bored in school and was bored to be in her office – LOL

He was very honest.

Then she asked me some questions about his birth.  I explained to her how when Trace was born, he sat lodged in my uterus for 20 minutes without oxygen and was born not breathing because the hospital didn’t want to breach protocol, by popping my water without the doctor present.

I told her how Trace had to be intubated, in order to get him breathing.  How he was born Group B Strep positive and not treated, to which she replied (OH we don’t usually treat babies for Strep-B if they are born healthy) and I held my breath, cringing so I wouldn’t become a foul mouthed trucker to her lackadaisical reply to this mishap.

Funny how my oldest was born with Group B Strep but was treated and had no health issues really, but then the child I had not treated (although they knew) and still did nothing, has had nothing but problems.

Early-onset GBS infection

If a baby develops GBS infection less than seven days after birth, it’s known as early-onset GBS infection. Most babies who become infected develop symptoms within 12 hours of birth. Symptoms include:

• being floppy and unresponsive
• not feeding well
• grunting
• high or low temperature
• fast or slow heart rates
• fast or slow breathing rates
• irritability

Trace got the infection which was not treated, which all women know can lead to serious health issues, including Cerebral Palsy which Trace was born with. That’s what led us to move from Kelowna to Abbotsford in the first place, to get him the care he needed at Children’s and find out why he was so unresponsive and small and not thriving.  It took us a long time before discovering that was what was wrong. Child Development always hinted at Asperger’s and on the waiting list we went.  Until now…

Tomorrow Trace goes for his first appointment with the Autism specialist. I am going to try to be calm. I’m very emotional right now. Whether Trace gets a diagnosis or not, it won’t change anything. Not how I feel about him. It will just give me some closure I think, and perhaps aid me in helping my son more.

I am going to try to be positive. I am going to try not to get angry. It’s hard though, having to explain everything all over again, and yes I am bitter, still at our mis-treatment at the hospital my son was born in, and other doctors who just didn’t care enough to do anything to help us. Getting angry solves nothing I know.  And I am my son’s only advocate. So I need to be calm and remind myself. This is for Trace.

I am a bad mother, I know this. Not because I don’t love my kids. God knows I love my children with all my heart, so deeply and truly. But because I am having a hard time understanding my son who has issues and sometimes I think things that no mother should ever think of her child.

Yesterday I cried so damn hard. It was just a bad day, which seems to be the theme for me this month. But I couldn’t help it. I know it’s because next week Trace is going for his assessment for Asperger’s, and it seems his quirks are getting worse with each day that passes. It’s just sometimes I feel so upset by all this, by him.

It’s not that Trace isn’t a good kid. He is so sweet and loving, caring and wonderful. But other times it drives me up the wall how very strange he is, and I just have a hard time relating to him. It causes me so much tension and anxiety.

I can’t eat my noodles because they are solid. Like I’m supposed to know that means they sat too long and needed to be mixed up.

I can’t eat these pancakes because I can’t see the syrup. That’s because syrup soaks into pancakes so in order to see the syrup I need to dump the entire bottle onto your breakfast. Nice!

I can’t wear these pants they are wet. I feel something in them. Trace you wiped your bum 97 times, it’s clean, there is no wetness baby. Okay I’ll get you new pants for the fifth time today.

I am angry and upset that my son is like this. How horrible, right? But I am. I am upset he doesn’t get jokes. I’m angry he thinks everyone is making fun of him. I’m heart-broken he thinks nobody likes him and we don’t love him. I’m mostly angry that the fecking doctors didn’t break protocol and allowed him to sit in my womb for too long, making it so he was born deprived of oxygen to his brain. And I’m angry that I feel like I can’t help him fit in, get along with others, listen better, understand himself more and feel as though it’s okay to be different.

I see my girlfriend Beth, whose grown children both have Asperger’s, both stay in the house, both do nothing but play video games and I want to cry. I want to bawl actually. I think to myself … Is that the future in store for my son?

To make things worse. I just got Trace’s report card and yes he is only in kindergarten but I was deeply upset by the comments left on the report card by Trace’s teacher.

Trace needs to learn more self-control. He needs to stop interrupting the class and put up his hand before talking. He lacks focus to get his work done and often has a hard time finishing off activities and is easily distracted by others around him.

This royally pissed me off because every time I go to pick Trace up I ask his teacher how is he doing? How is he getting along with others? How is he coping? Is he listening? I want to know which areas he needs help in. She always tells me what a pleasure he is to have in the classroom and that nothing is wrong!

Why Can’t Teachers Just Be Honest?

Trace is only six and tells me he doesn’t want to school because he is bored.  Bored!  Ummmm how can you be bored baby? We do the same thing every day he tells me.  This coming from a kid who can spell all our names, and print them on paper. A kid who can count to 100 and can do basic adding. A kid who knows all his shapes and colors, and can remember the words to almost every song he hears. And a kid who knows his own home phone, my cell number and his nana’s phone number.

He’s not functioning in class because he’s not being challenged enough!

My oldest went through this at this damn school for five years, until he hit middle school and then he blossomed, because he had teachers who communicated his needs to me when I couldn’t be there, who challenged him and worked with me so I could back them up to help my son at home. Now JJ is an honour roll student and thriving for second year in a row!

Does Trace have to suffer the same crap for five years like his brother, before his teachers will tell me what areas he needs to improve upon?

I don’t care my son is different. I don’t care he has special needs. I love Trace for everything he is. Just right now I’m struggling with others putting me down as a mother for not punishing a child they think is spoiled and gets away with things. Others who feel I am making excuses for his behaviour when he freaks out because plans were deviated or tells me matter of factly how he feels.  Others who stare at me, waiting for me to take control of my child they feel is bad child.

I want to scream… “Shut up shut up shut up!!!! Don’t you think if I could make it different I would? I want to reach my child but I can’t sometimes! He just doesn’t get it! So back the truck up and step off!”

Trace mommy loves you. I will keep trying to understand you. I will never give up loving you. I will never give up helping you find yourself, even if I don’t know where you are. We will look together, okay baby. And each day is a new day, monkey. You and me. One step at a time. And when I get upset I don’t mean to. But I’m learning just like you, nobody is perfect, and God will lead us where we need to go. We just gotta have faith!

Taking the Good With the Bad

1.) I didn’t get chosen for mamavation – Okay yeah bummed a bit but I’m not focusing on not getting chosen and I’m more focused on what I’ve accomplished and where I’m going.  I have learned a lot from these amazing mamavation ladies (Leah especially).  I feel good about where I am but know I have to focus on keeping myself on track.

2.) I relapsed with soda –Yes you heard correct.  Yesterday and today I had a Slurpee even though I knew it wasn’t good for me. But I’m not going to beat myself up about it. I am just going to keep going. The more times I say no to it, and drink water or other juices or options that are good for me. The better and easier it will get.

3.) Excited to try new products –I’m so super excited to be trying out these new products I am eagerly waiting for.  Like the Klutch box, filled with goodies which is being sent my way.  I used to be scared to try new products, foods and even ideas or workouts, but no longer. Each day is a new day and I’m taking one day at a time. If I don’t like something I’m going to chalk it up to an experience I tried and learned from.

4.) I got a new iPhone.  This one I’m super excited about because there are so many fitness apps I missed from my old phone (which my son) broke.  Well this week I got my iphone back and I am like a kid again. My phone (I know bad) is an extension of myself. I blog with it, take pictures, use it for music when I go walking, count my steps with it, track my calories and food intake.  I’m looking forward to putting all these apps back into my regular routine.

5.) Learned that with every ten steps back, there is always a step ahead to be taken –This past week so many awful things happened, including my dad having a heart attack which really made me take stalk on what is important in my life.  My family and husband, my boys.  My life is important and I just keep telling myself this is my time to get off my ass and do something about it. Not because of how I look but because of how I feel.  And frankly I’m worth it!

Join in on our Mamavation twitter party this Monday to find out who the next Mamavation moms are going to be!  Welcome to Amanda (@theorganictrail). Welcome back Micah(@FBBmomma) and Katrina (@craftsbykatie)

How was your week #mamavation moms, chime in and share below. And thanks for stopping by.